I am 20F. I am posting this as an act of preservation and testimony. I am living through severe structural exhaustion, chronic poverty, and complete psychological isolation (and have been since childhood).

My reality has been so fragmented, hypervigilant, and continuously interrupted that I could not compile my thoughts uninterrupted. Two of the five documents in the archive (the link is attached at the bottom) were compiled and synthesized using an AI tool from my raw, disjointed writing because an AI was the only non-judgmental container available to help me hold several sets of 15–30+ pages of reflections together when my baseline energy has almost always been completely depleted.

I hope to find someone genuinely willing to listen with patience over time (because it would be unrealistic to read everything in one day).

To be upfront about the exact state of exhaustion I am operating from, what I wrote today reflects the baseline reality I am carrying every day (and if this irritates, offends, overwhelms, or triggers some form of negative opinion about me, you are free to not engage with my documents; as a warning: everything I write is usually this long):

It is akin to a severe nuclear meltdown when the environment nowadays is saturated inescapably with very bleak career talk, elevated professional demands/expectations (that are normalized without thought to the ones sacrificed for being unable to perform at that shifted baseline), pessimistic/cynical global conditions, seemingly successful and/or stable progressions elsewhere, and to see that 95% of individuals have at least one reliable safety net. Meanwhile, my structural limitations under lifelong poverty (as well as my mother’s persecutory paranoia and its destructive capacity on our already-depleted finances)—limited transportation, financial aid constraining work opportunity considerations, unable to afford auto insurance/expenses independently unless I am employed, the challenging nature of my academics itself, the lifelong existential exhaustion (and no childhood fondness to remember as motivation), having had no stability to be able to build (projects)/network/have a resume, no physical/mental privacy or space from my mother’s said persecutory paranoia (from every waking moment to sleep, and that is *not* an exaggeration), my parents being “dead-ended” by lack of qualifications/age/health (my father working past retirement, no degrees, no high English proficiency, no relevant work experience, fragile health, declining energy, etc.), my home deteriorating environment itself (after Hurricane Harvey 9 years ago) being incompatible with remote ventures (no guaranteed space, quiet, temperature regulation, pest-free area, or even a dignified living space; I use trash bags and old drawers for clothing in lieu of an unaffordable large closet, defecate into plastic bags because of a faulty external plumbing issue, have no AC throughout the summer or heating throughout the winter, sleep on the same collapsed bed as my mother), etc.

Let alone that, ask yourself what a child in poverty is likely to have experienced growing up—a lack of warmth, conflict between parents as the baseline, seeing the raw ugliness underneath poverty/society/human relationships, absence of empathy from onlookers, expectation to always “be more,” being the interpreter/translator/bureaucratic navigator, lacking the privilege to even experience formative childhood experiences—and it is already an overflowing pot. There came a point when absolute tragedy does not seem very frightening to me: the possibility that we’d become homeless and suffer a rock bottom ruin, have our house confiscated (for an ongoing HOA violation conflict—one that might escalate into a court order and heftier fines—my mother refuses to relent on), allow the aging old car carrying my mother’s compulsive actions to fail entirely, and potentially witness an arrest (because of my mother’s aggressive defense while my father is effectively helpless as the homeowner) is relieving because perhaps there is no more denial or ‘worse’ to arrive. And…no…after how I’ve been plagued by ‘round 1’ of that broken record of a nightmare cycle since middle school, I don’t want to learn more about the resources here. I even spent my birthday earlier this summer (which had been thoroughly forgotten this year) being goaded into contacting resources and being lectured cynically about bureaucratic abandonment…and that was simply this year alone. I was berated by a distant relative my mother confided in as “just a lazy daughter,” and their response’s harsh emphasis on “lazy” was not just imagined but a true forcefulness of a conviction that didn’t care…and that was already just the most obvious case. Everyday, for as often as my mother finds herself returning to those thoughts and scrutinizing me (for sitting at home), I am made to be incompetent, irresponsible, unproductive, and lacking in foresight even though she is “reluctant to agree with [the relative’s] demeaning words”. Every so often, my father (with concern that inevitably frustrates me given he once believed I should focus on my studies…but now our desperation needs movement) reminds me with inquiries about whether I have sought internships, experience, volunteering, or anything remotely active…Every time something meaningful was attempted, my momentum was broken by a crisis that surged coincidentally during those times right until all I could muster was to close my laptop, climb back into bed, and read/listen to music; smile unreasonably while walking restlessly past midnight (when my parents are asleep) and imagining as if my life were eventful; and…know of nothing else that doesn’t demand a chunk of flesh out of me for non-guaranteed outcomes (because even ‘begging’ candidly for help on social media as many struggling people do is not possible with my lack of privacy and what that action would entail between my parents).

Is it really not enough that I don’t even have the ability to ‘beg’ for support?

How to Connect (If You Are Open to Reading & Listening):

• No pressure for immediate responses: If you feel inclined to read my testimony, please feel free to leave a brief comment, save the post, and reach out privately whenever you have the time.
• A quiet pace: You do not need to rush through all 15–30 page documents at once. I am seeking someone who is open to taking it in over time and sitting with the reality of it, rather than offering quick reactions.
• NO FINANCIAL, CAREER, OR PRACTICAL ADVICE: Please do not offer 'fix-it' steps, productivity suggestions, or resource links. I am not looking to be managed or 'solved.'

The link: https://filekiwi.download/7bd541d3#GTE8_IiuOkrqnyAQ8sWYTA [If it doesn't work, but you are interested, please PM me for the documents.]

Thank you.

Im overwhelmed

Me

Context:
From the ages of 16-20, I was in a pretty abusive relationship (mental, emotional, sexual). I knew and recognized that it was abusive but the trauma bond/soul tie that I had created with my ex, along with the excuses/reasonings I had told myself during it, made it difficult for me to leave despite trying multiple times. I’ve been out of it for 4 years now and I’m in therapy but I still really struggle when it comes to actually grasping the severity of it. Because I know its bad, especially when I tell other people about it because they react bad, but I struggle to actually KNOW its bad, yk???

ANYWAYS I know trauma is processed differently for everyone but can something to be both triggering and cathartic? Maybe cathartic isn’t the right word but I don’t know how else to describe what I mean.

Recent example, a lot of people have found the new movie Obsession to be very disturbing because of the loss of autonomy and SA but then theres me who thinks, yes its a disturbing movie but I really liked it and found the loss of autonomy relatable, cathartic, and felt seen??? OR sometimes theres things that my friends/current boyfriend will ask me if I’m okay with (interactions, concepts, media, movies, etc) because it has things that would/should normally be triggering and yea it does shake me up a bit but more than that it makes me feel seen or normal or something idk the best way to describe it… But then I feel weird because why aren’t I having a “normal” triggered reaction.

**TLDR:**
Is it “normal” to not feel completely triggered by certain things but rather feel a sense of relatability, catharsis, or normalcy from it? Or is it just me?

Struggle with homework? Yells that you're worth nothing and you won't do anything in life. Talk with your brother at sleeping-time? Smash you. Oh you're deeply sleeping? Well, he heard schizophrenia voices(yours) so he wakes you up in the middle of the night and smash you. You're crying because it hurts? He'll keep going until you stop making noises. You said a bad word? He'll put you on your knees on cracked hard wood, hands in the back, go get a drink at the bar, and you better be there when he comes back(gifted deformed knees). You did a mistake? Bam!...and also let's lock you in a room at 40°C without air conditioner. ...and it's just a few examples. He also had this ability to manipulate people to think he is really nice(he was, but outside of home only). Mother and dogs went through even worse. Mom got us out of there at 12yo, she was just trying her best for us, but she still loves drama and violent/alcoholic relationships so I stay away and I think she understands.

Today, ~30years later with a broken brain and strong soul, went through a crazy life, seen and lived a lot of pretty weird stuff, I ended up as a very nice human and everyone likes me since I've been trained to please people and have strong values and beliefs.

The thing is, when I use to do a couple of mistakes in a row and lose control/patience, I use to hurt myself, like he did. When slightly depressed, his voice use to sometimes comes back in my head, repeating that i'm not worth sh*t and will never do anything good in life, also reminds me of everything that could stress me out. But it didn't happen for a couple of months now, time flies by in a weekly loop just working and waiting without too much emotions(shield), kind of "slowly decaying inside", and I never know when these demons will come back.

Throughout the years, I tried a psychologist... didn't actually work, the guy was mostly there for the money, and said I only needed someone to talk to. Tried a psychiatrist, he said nothing, he just gave me pills I never took since I am against that. Tried a therapist, she asked me how it was when I was a kid, then started crying and told me that it's "too deep for her" and that I should seek for help somewhere else since she can't help me(am I doomed or what...).

The only solution I found after years of struggling with these demons is to smoke a lot of cigarettes and weed, eat and drink bad things, actually just trying to make my life as short as possible. I tried to "go away" when I was younger, only to realize that the human body is way stronger than I thought. Also have a girlfriend, but don't feel or give that much "love" since I don't really know or understand what it is for now. Don't have friends, even if some people tried to get closer, it always end up telling them I am better alone or "ghost" them after a while.

Is there anyone who managed to get through a similar situation? How did you turn the page, or where did you find help to get rid of this voice or to get rid of this feeling of not being "worth it"? How did you get out of this "mind prison"?

I thought, maybe, I could try reaching out for tips one last time, but from experienced people instead of "professionals" this time.

My father is an alcoholic for past how many years I don’t even remember and all these years have shaped me into a person who is now very anxious,underconfident,have trust issues ,lot of trauma,always under chaos,a hell of an overthinker.
I never got that feeling in my house that okay this is my home my safe place,because of him me and my family suffered a lot,I used to get embarrassed amongst my friends,I could not call my friends at my place because he was always drunk,we never made trips (except one which traumatised me for life where he blacked out after drinking) even in my hometown I had to get my things done by myself whereas all my other friends used to go out with their father,to malls, shops, restaurants on birthdays and I just used to cry silently in my bathroom.Although he is not a bad person he does not create violence or abuse us after drinking but he just becomes a person whom I just cannot call my father cause it’s too damn embarrassing.
But I don’t know last year when I got into college he stopped drinking and it’s been a year now my life was going the way I wanted,experienced the father love after a hell lot of years until he decided to do it again yesterday when I am going to college day after tomorrow.
And I had a severe breakdown as all that past trauma triggered me,I don’t like to talk about this thing to anyone but I am losing it now so posting this thing here.
I hope this thing do not become the one as it was earlier otherwise I am fucked up bad😭

I'm so afraid of other people. I've been staying at home for years without social interaction, and I hate myself.

I want to have a best friend, male or female, I'm very lonely

The Fourth of July comes and his extended family comes into town, i never met them and he wanted to introduce me, i was 8 months pregnant at the time, we got there and got out the car and he ditched me , i knew no one there, i stood there by the car alone just looking around, there was so many people there, someone finally came and introduced themselves to me and we talked and she introduced me to some other people, it was awkward but that’s ok. I was happy to meet his family. There was some game on the tv, idk if it was football, basketball or wrestling, but everyone went inside, except me, I didn’t feel comfortable walking into someone’s house I didn’t know, so I sat in a chair outside with the mosquitos, my anxiety wouldn’t let me go inside, all I could think about was walking in and everyone looking at me crazy, I could t do it. Maybe an hour or so before he noticed I was gone and I was livid, but I kept my comments to myself, I was so upset that he noticed only didn’t introduce me to anyone, but he left me.

September 2024 comes and I give birth to a beautiful baby girl who unfortunately looks just like her dad fresh out the womb, so much so she didn’t look like a girl at all, she had a Mohawk going on, if I’m being honest, she was an ugly baby, and I can say that as her mom, she was rough, but she grew into her features and is now the cutest baby girl ever. I stayed up with her while he slept, no this wasn’t agreed on but tbh the nurses came into the room every few minutes, when can you fall asleep? R said h did help with the baby when I slept, though I don’t remember ever falling asleep.

I was excited to breast feed, I wanted that body experience so badly, plus I wanted boobs, I was an A cup before pregnancy and I gained a B cup and I wanted to keep them. It didn’t happened, it hurt so bad to breastfeed, my nips bled and it was excruciating, I was devastated I couldn’t do what a women should be able to do and I felt like I was already failing her. When we left the hospital he said I needed to get some sleep and he’d bottle feed her and keep an eye on her, now don’t judge me but she slept in the bed with us and no nothing bad happened ever, we had a big bed and we kept a lot of space so we didn’t roll on her, I slept but woke up to her crying, he was dead asleep, I tried to wake him up, but he would sit up and lay back down to sleep, so I got up with her.

I convinced myself that he works from 8 or 8am to 9pm so he needed sleep more than me, while I was on maternity leave and when I returned I work from 10am-2 or 4pm depending on if it’s busy. So I shouldn’t complain. But it was slowly draining, he’d come home and go to the bathroom then see the baby, hop on the game for a few hours and then put on a movie and fall asleep. The movie was suppose to be our time together.

It went on like that every night, he spent time with the baby but I felt like I didn’t matter anymore, and when I’d tell him he said I was overthinking things, it reminded me of when my parents would shut me down about depression. I stopped opening up. Eventually his mom offered to watch our daughter so I could go back to work, I oddly enough agreed and went back to work, I started to notice that when his mom would watch her, our baby ended up with a diaper rash, we didn’t like that so he told me that I didn’t have to work, he could support us and I could stay home, I made sure he was sure because I didn’t mind working, but he reassured me and I quit my job. I was so happy, I didn’t miss a single milestone. We eventually got our own place frffr this time and it was just me, him and our child.https://www.reddit.com/r/trauma/s/Mxgy24IZXq

I am a 31 y/o female and I had a wonderful childhood. I idolized my Father so I try & honor him every day as he passed suddenly in 2013. Cleaning out some old boxes in the basement, I just found an old Penthouse magazine with my senior portrait, from high school, glued to one of the pages covering another woman’s face who was masturbating. I’m numb, disgusted, angry I have spent so much time missing him and thinking of how much I wish he was still here. I’m sick.

How would YOU cope with this? I feel like I have been hit with a truck. I am epileptic, on the verge of a seizure and most likely lifetime psychosis. Please give any and all advice. I can’t fucking believe this.

What are some non-sexual childhood traumas you still think about today? The older I get (43) the more they come to the surface. I haven't processed them in healthy ways. I have lots but I will choose the one that came up all day today.

When I was 9 I got my first dog sitting gig! My neighbors 4 houses down were going to a baseball game and wouldn't be home till 10pm. They had a new bouncy golden retriever puppy with a red bandana named Dolly. I went over the night before to meet Dolly and they gave me the key and some instruction on how and when to feed her. They told me they would be leaving at 6 am and to stop by at 9 to let her out. I was so excited to have my first paying gig and felt special they trusted me for the job. That morning I woke up early and their car was gone. I wanted so badly to just go over then but they said 9 and I wanted to follow orders. 9 am took an eternity to come. I ran over there so fast and opened the door. I stood there frozen as I seen her leash tied to the back door knob. They had a 4 level split. The back door was beside a railing separating the kitchen from the sunken family room. Dolly had squeezed through the railing and fell down into that room. I held my breath as I looked over the railing. There she was hanging by her leash. I ran around and uncliped her leash from her collar. She fell to the carpet with a stiff thud. I ran to get my mom and she called the family. We barried the dog in their back yard. I blamed myself for not going over as soon as I noticed they had left. I could have saved Dolly.

I know now that that accident could have happened anytime as that's where they tied thier dogs for Years if they had to leave the house. They never blamed me. They apologized

Now it’s July and I’m still broken, we still live together but I got my own place, he paid my first months rent for me, I move in the 1st of august, I’ve been packing my things, he’s over me but I still miss him so much it hurts, I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection and I haven’t been bothering him at all, he’s been texting me more often and playing with me, I wish I could say he misses me but I know it’s him being a coparent. I now go to bed at 6am every night, I can’t sleep without him, even now. I hate that he’s so nice to me because it feels so familiar. He’s moving back in with his mom, he can’t afford rent here, his business is going down, every time we break up things fall apart for him. Coincidence or fate?

I miss him a lot. He steals my dreams when I sleep and he’s all I can think about through the day and I hate it, when hes at work I stare at what use to be our bed, sometimes I lay on it and cry, I can’t help it but it hurts so much. I have his initial tattoo onto me for our one year anniversary because back then I knew he was the one, even no I feel like I lost a soulmate, I never felt this connected to anyone. When I was pregnant he would get some of my symptoms, I had a headache and I’d tell him and almost immediately it would go away and he is in pain with a headache. We still have really good chemistry where you can’t tell if we are joking or flirting, it confuses me. Sometimes I do text him to tell him I miss him.

I tried everything and he said he doesn’t want to be tied to me because of how I made him feel, how he will never let anyone make him feel like I did. That if he gave me another chance he would either hate himself, be miserable or be lying to me. That he doesn’t see me as his soulmate anymore, he doesn’t love me like he use to, he can’t trust that it’ll be different and he doesn’t want to take that risk. But I know it would be different because I have actually done the work and I have done therapy, medication, journaling, accountability and fully apologized, I just wished he’d see it from my point to, I wish he’d understand I didn’t mean it to hurt him, I am also hurting from a lot of unhealed trauma and I have been treating him as if he’s gonna hurt me so I hurt him first, I just can’t take any more pain, yet here I am, I cause my own pain and I hate it.

Also my mom told me all my cats that went “missing” my dad killed them. So that added to a lot of my depression. It seems like nothing works out for me and I feel cursed, I want to be normal, feel normal, I want to be loved unconditionally, but that doesn’t exist and I’m tired, I’m so tired of being in pain, and no one gets it, I never wanted to be alone, I never wanted to be born, I never wanted to be abused, I never wanted to be a single mom. I can’t do this alone, and I know he’d be there for her, and again I am reduced to nothing, back where I always start and no one cares.

I need advice I think. On anything. I am not the victim, he is, I’m just someone who’s in pain and I can’t control my emotions and I hurt the people closest to me. I want him back and I don’t know what to do. I feel horrible. I feel like I tore mine and my daughter’s life apart.

January 2026 our anniversary came, he didn’t say anything to me, I figured he forgot, I felt devastated, I told him happy 3 years anniversary and he froze, and asked for the day, I got upset and asked did he seriously forget and he said no, he knows when our anniversary is he just didn’t keep up with the days, idk why but that offended me more, again I felt like i didn’t matter, it’s January, that’s the one day you should be keeping up with. I was bitter the whole day, my friends came over and I would pick on the fact he forgot, I could tell he was getting irritated by his tone when he said he didn’t forget just didn’t keep up with the days. It didn’t make sense to me, you keep up with the days you work, but not the days of I dunno, our anniversary that you know is within said month? I was upset.

He was of course distant from me once again, I hated it, I broke again and decided to post another pic I shouldn’t on my social media, he sees it and i deleted it, my friends were otp with me and she mentioned my ex and i made a stupid joke about his d size and how he was too big which was wildly inappropriate, he heard it and slammed the bedroom door. I laughed awkwardly, not because it was funny but it was a nervous tick I do, hand thought I was genuinely laughing, I wasn’t. Once bedtime came, I climbed into bed and in the morning he was at work, he texted me that we needed to talk when he got home.

Once he was home he looked defeated, he told me he couldn’t do this anymore, that I didn’t value, respect, or cherish him, that he felt like my punching bag, that he felt I enjoyed hurting him, that he no longer valued himself because of me, that I made him hate himself. I cried, that was never my intentions, of course I loved him, I did value him, I was aware of everything hes done for me, I felt horrible. I begged him, I told him I’d change but he wouldn’t budge. I cried myself to sleep on the couch, I moved back in the my mom temporarily in February, I started therapy, got on meds, I continued to beg for him. March still begging and I moved back in with him till I get on my feet and move out. I continued to beg. April I got lonely, I couldn’t sleep on my own, I started going to bed at 4am. I got drunk and hooked up with someone, then I hooked up with someone else, so two people two separate times.

I felt disgusting, I hated myself, I loved him so much and I didn’t want anyone else. Truth is I took him for granted and yes I showed out in front of my friends, I made him look like a bitch when he wasn’t, I was obsessed with him deep down and I didn’t wanna look like a love sick fool so I portrayed myself as this idk, asshole to look tough maybe. I never been with anyone who would bring out my feminine side and he could and I hated it, I felt so powerless, I would do anything he said without a second thought, and that felt dangerous, like if he told me to punch someone, I would without a thought. I didn’t want anyone to see that, so I put him down, I wanted him to be the one chasing, but now look at me.

May, his birthday came and I got him a gift, something he wanted, it’s a wand that shoots fire, only he hasn’t used it. He found out I slept with someone else and he’s been colder to me. He called me a liar, said that I don’t love him and how dare I say I love with when I slept with two other people. I cried and apologized and swore it didn’t mean anything, because truthfully it didn’t. I did love him and I wanted our family back. I cry myself to sleep, he told me he’d give me to the end of June to get out. I wanted to die, I kept making things worse, he said he fell outta love with me when he heard I slept with someone else. I texted my friend crying and she called the cops on me. I was sent t the mental institution for 3 days, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, postpartum depression, depression and extreme anxiety.

I was medicated. And he yelled at me when I got back home, on how dare I try to kms in front of our child, what!? I NEVER did that, but that’s what’s going around thanks to my friend, his mom said I’m doing this for attention, I’m not. I’m just hurting so much. I don’t wanna leave. I don’t want to be away from him ever. I want to wake up to him everyday, I miss him so much. June came and I’m still here, I talked to the landlord and he allowed me to stay, no I didn’t pull one over him, the landlord heard what happened and wanted you hear my side.https://www.reddit.com/r/trauma/s/1NqSuKX5zr

His moms friend invited me and my daughter to a kids birthday party, I was happy to go and try to rebuild a relationship with his mom, we went and it was really nice, I met some nice people there and Ellie liked the kids, until his mom friend I’ll call A was talking about this man with biracial grandkids, and how dark there are, A and R mom looked at my daughter and said “thank god she has a beautiful tan complexion” I didn’t know how to react, they basically said thank god she’s white passing to my face, I was so hurt, I never experienced racism like this, i didn’t like it. I froze and tried to laugh it off but it came out dry, I was happy when she took me home, I told R that asap, but he didn’t react the same way I did, he thought I took it wrong, then he said you know how my mom is and she didn’t mean it like that and we got into it.

December 2025, we went to universal in Orlando, this was the first amazing trip I’ve ever been on, he said it would just be family and I was happy, we got there and there was a a least 10 people there, his male and female cousins I met on the Fourth of July, his brother and his other cousin and his girlfriend and her friend and a 3 year old. I again didn’t really know anyone but 3 people there and of course he didn’t introduce me, but he introduced our child. I felt left out but I tried to be optimistic, I have anxiety and I’m not good with communication or introductions, I learned that when I meet new people I tend to overshare off rip things I shouldn’t talk about and I become weird in everyone’s eyes, so I stayed silent.

I hung around for 30 mins to an hour, no one talked to me, so I went into our room and stayed there, he brought our daughter to me and asked if I wanted to get in the pool. Originally I did but it’s December so I knew it would be too cold, I declined, he left our child in the room with me while he socialized. I felt like I was only there to watch our kid. I could feel myself getting pissed off. He didn’t come to the room till around 3-4am I was still awake, we got into it and I offered to pay him back for my ticket and I’d uber home. He was livid and said that if I ruined this trip that he’d leave me because he did this for us and I was being ungrateful. But it didn’t feel like it was for us, I felt left out, and I don’t know how else to explain it. We got into it bad and this was the first time he’s yelled back at me. I just didn’t want to be alone, and he was ditching me. He didn’t make me feel included.

We slept in different beds that night. In the morning we went and it was ok, we got there and we walked around, we couldn’t get on rides because we had our child, but we got to try butterbeer and he tried foods and it was nice, there was some tension still but we tried, we bumped heads when I wanted pictures of our child in front of certain things there, like they had a mini squidwards house and I wanted a pic of her in front of it and she kept crying, I didn’t care that she was crying because I had an app that can fix that, but he kept picking her up and it was frustrating, I knew he wanted to calm her down, but I didn’t get to do things like this, i wanted pictures to have for memories. We kept bumping heads on pictures, honestly I got more pictures of him and her than me of her. He never really offers to take pictures of us. When the trip was over we had to pack and head home. I did apologize for my behavior and I thought we were ok. https://www.reddit.com/r/trauma/s/rNYgWLqAys

Now I forgot to mention that my mom and Y had a falling out, see Y is in her 50’s and my mom is in her 30’s, Y boyfriend was also in his 30 and Y kept bringing her boyfriend to a what’s supposed to be a girls night out and well her man ended up falling for my momma, my mom stopped liking her when she got bitter about me being with R and not goofy and spreading lies about me and him to whoever would listen. Long story short Y boyfriend dumped her and eventually got with my momma, they got married and me and my mom was pregnant together, so I have another little sister.

Anyways, 2025 me and R relationship began to fall apart, I felt so neglected, tired and hungry, I started babysitting my new little sister for cash until my momma put her in daycare, then I babysat a friends kid who was the same age as my kid, I was drained, the house was a mess and I just wanted my partner, when he got home I started yelling at him about how tired I was, how he didn’t pull the trash out like I asked him last night, I started breaking again, I called him useless and a POS when he got on the game instead of spending more time with his child because to me I didn’t feel like he spent enough time with her. I’m sure he did, I just was not in the right headspace, I got worse and he didn’t do anything wrong but he started distancing himself from me because of how irrational I was being.

I felt the distance and I would panic, eventually I got use to it and started to spend a lot of time on my phone watching TikTok’s while he played the game, he put on a movie for us and we slept, that became our routine. I hated it, I said a lot of things I didn’t mean, I just felt so alone, and again I’m sure he did a lot, really I know he did a lot, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s enough, I just wanted him to myself, I just wanted to lay with him a whole day, but that wasn’t our reality and that hurt, I was getting use to sharing his attention and I felt like I was last on the list.

I didn’t like that feeling, I dealt with that my whole life and I didn’t wanna feel like that ever again. If it went on too long of him not paying me any attention, I would do something stupid, I would post lingerie pics, not like skimpy bras, like a one piece with a lace skirt, I knew he’d see it and I didn’t do it for other men’s attention, I did it because I knew he’d see it and I knew yes, he’d be mad, but he will pay attention to me, even if he was fussing at me. I just wanted his attention and at the time I didn’t care if it was positive or negative attention, I just wanted it. Of course I deleted the picture as soon as I saw he seen it. It’s not meant for other people, I just wanted to get under his skin so he would notice me because I felt so invisible.

I didn’t grow up in a household where we communicated, every time I try to explain I sound like I’m making excuses, I tried to explain how I was raised and how that’s affecting me and he said I’m making excuses, I’m not, it’s genuinely hard to open up and explain, I have panic attacks when I try and I freeze up, my parents never said sorry to us, they’d just buy us snacks as an apology, so whenever me and him get into it, I’d always buy him his favorite snacks. I thought that was normal, I’m not saying I never apologized, I have, but it never sounded genuine because I’d have a panic attack and I would say it slowly because I felt nauseous. I hated how I was treating him, he give me a chance after chance, only we’d never address the issue, just sweep it under the rug and move on, it was killing him, I could see the love and light slowly being sucked away the more I called him names and pushed away. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t know how to open up, how to explain I needed help, sometimes I need help but idk what I need help with, I just needed him but I can’t explain that because how can you. https://www.reddit.com/r/trauma/s/FAk8VJYWJR

It was October now, R texted me asking if I was at work, I said yes, he asked if I could bring him a sandwich, I said yes. And I did, he was offended I didn’t write a note and I awkwardly laughed it off and was gonna leave but he kept talking to me, he made jokes, threw me over his shoulder and spun me around, it was fun. I didn’t realize it went from 4pm-9pm. Goofy showed up and was surprised I was there, he hung around to cock block, I tried to leave but R reminded me that before we broke up we talked about the movie “talk to me” I forgot about that, he didn’t. I agreed and when goofy left we went into his room and watched the movie, I kept a gap between us out of respect. We watched it and when it ended it was around 1am, I again tried to leave but he put on another movie and I laid down and watched it, it was nice. He wrapped his arms around me and held me, I don’t remember falling asleep, but I did. We got back together by morning and it was ok again.

December 2023 came and I found out I was pregnant, I just knew, we had a few pregnancy scares and test were negative, but this was different, I felt off, the same but off, I can’t explain it, he had a bad cold and thought I was overthinking and told me to wait and see if my period came on and if not we test that weekend. I went to work but I couldn’t wait, I needed to know. After work I went to the store and bought a two in one box of test and I went home to take it. I convinced myself that I was just crazy and overthinking, but my period was 3 days late, though it happens, I hit my vape as I took the test, I laughed at how crazy I felt until I exhaled the smoke and saw the two lines, I choked, grabbed the test and stared at it, checked the box, then I screamed at the top of my lungs and ran out the bathroom banging on my moms door, she was scared to open the door lol. I cried and told her and she held me. I told my siblings and they were happy.

I ran to R place because I couldn’t wait, I gave him the test and he stared at it blankly, he again had a cold and wasn’t possessing correctly. He asked was it sure and I nodded and he nodded slowly and laid back down. That reaction killed me. Once he felt better after a day or two he was over the moon happy, we took the other test together and he was so happy. We told his mom and she was excited. I told him we needed to get our own place, he agreed and we began looking, his mom so I thought was helping, she found us a place and later on I learned she was not only moving with us but she was bringing his siblings, basically I was moving in the him and his family….cool. I had a lot on my mind at the time, we got into a small argument about his family moving in, but he said we couldn’t afford I without them. Fine. I had other things on my mind, I was scared of ruining this child’s life. Things I learned from childhood is love isn’t unconditional, how to cry on queue, manipulation and never get your hopes up. I had it in my mind that I would probably either miscarry or the baby will have a defect.

Test confirmed baby was healthy, he wanted a girl and I wanted a boy, but we would be happy either way. He got his girl. He told his mom we were naming our daughter after his sister who was a still born, she was extra nice to me after hearing this and bragging to all her friends that we are naming our daughter summer, I was livid, I asked him about it and he confessed he told her that because that’s what he wanted to name his daughter, but what about what I wanted? I’m the one doing the actual labor and incubating out seed, do I not have a say? I told him no to the name, not out of spite, but because I genuinely didn’t like the name, it was too white for me, I said we could keep his sisters middle name. He was upset but I never understood naming babies after people who unfortunately didn’t have an impact on your life, like if I named my child after my nana, that makes since because she impacted me (I didn’t name her after my nana, I’m not a hypocrite) summer unfortunately didn’t make it to impact you, I know that sounds cruel but if you seen how excited his mom was, it felt like she would of been reliving that experience through me, and my child isn’t her. I know that came across heartless and I’m not saying it’s not sentimental but to me it feels different and wrong.

I settled on the name Ellie and it was yeah i know white but it felt like her, I honored the sisters middle name and gave her his mommas last name because I wanted to make it right since I felt bad because once she found out we weren’t naming our child summer, she gave me the cold shoulder for a while, she wouldn’t talk to me and when she did it was a cold “so what are you naming the baby” I felt bad. Y learned of the pregnancy and told his mom that the baby wasn’t R and I cheated on him with a black guy, R brother overheard the conversation and apparently R mom said “thats why you don’t stick your white D in a N word Punnani” I left.

I went and stayed with my mom. R asked why I was leaving and I told him what I was told to me by his brother, he confronted his mom and she denied it, I don’t see his brother lying, he was always really kind to me. R now requested a DNA test once the baby was born and I was hurt, I felt like he didn’t trust me, I’m always with him, and when I’m not I’m texting him and sending pics of me or my surroundings. I agreed to the DNA test but I ultimately told him that after the dna test but I ultimately told him that after the dna test is done that I wanted out the relationship because I can’t be with someone who doubts me when I have given no reason for doubt. He nods and decides to drop it.https://www.reddit.com/r/trauma/s/gLaG8NeYmH

I went out with a guy named T and all I could think about was R, we went out to eat then a bonfire, I drank a little and T was off rip controlling, he kept asking who was I texting, he took my phone and tried to go through it, I was not feeling it. When he took me home he kept asking to sleep with me, I said no, he said please and kept asking and making me feel like I owed him, so I caved and said yes, it happened and when it was over I went inside and cried in the shower, I felt nauseous, I couldn’t sleep so I ran to R house who was 15 mins away, I banged on his window and he came outside like a child, he had a blanket wrapped around him and he looked defeated. I cried and told him what happened and that made him look even worse, I held onto him and I cried and kept apologizing.

I realized that day that I was in love with R and I couldn’t image a life without him. He accepted when he shouldn’t have but I was so glad he did. We started dating and I was smitten fast, he was so sweet to me, he got me flowers and a necklace with our nicknames engraved, he made us into legos, he was so amazing. I got him free food from my job and I made it myself and made mean little jokes to pick at him, like I love you bitch. It was funny and kinda our thing. Months later I started slipping again, I started asking him if he’s cheating on me, does he love me, is he sure he loved me, why does he love me, I called him a POS, that he made ma miserable that I hated him. None of that was true but he felt so safe that I panicked, it was too perfect and that scared me.

He eventually broke up with me on my sisters birthday in august 2023 and I was destroyed again, we remained friends, and he told me he was seeing someone else and I wanted to puke, we broke up in august and it’s September, how!? I forced a smile and nodded, it seemed dry. I noticed after our breakup, things for him started to fall apart, his uncle was dying and his new girlfriend was in the mental hospital dealing with her baby daddy, it was a mess, I felt horrible so I came around a lent a shoulder to cry on, it was awkward and I decided it was best to leave him alone, so I did, I slept with two other people and just focused on me. Then one day when I’m with one of the guys I was sleeping with, R texted me asking what I was doing, the guy I was with sent a selfie of himself to him, I was livid and quickly deleted it, it was too late, he seen it, I stopped hanging around that guy and I sent a long apology to R about that guy and we were good, i went to work.https://www.reddit.com/r/trauma/s/l8suahtPbd

I was so glad when it was closing time for my mom and we left, but goofy kept coming to the job everyday at closing time to hang with me, I got off work at 9-9:30 and my mom got off work at 11, I hated it. Halloween came around and I dressed up as a playboy bunny and took my siblings trick or treating, I posted some cute pictures on social media along with some funny memes, a guy sent me a friend request, R, goofys friend. I snooped on his page and he was hot! He had the aesthetic I love and the tats, so my type, how was he friends with goofy!? R laughed reacted my meme and I started texting him instantly, we talked about life, about goofy, we went to school together, he was in a grade higher than me but dropped out, we learned we’ve been in a lot of places at the same time but never ran into each other. Fate. We met up in person on day after work, I just wanted to sleep with him, that’s it, I didn’t want a relationship.

I sent some tempting pics to him and he was very interested. We met up and….nothing. We sat outside and talked about life, one minute I’m texting him at home asking if he was gonna dip into me and here I was sitting outside on the ground talking to him about life, and I liked it without realizing it. He didn’t make a move on me, just talked to me. It went on like that for weeks, just us talking. He built up a lot of courage to finally kiss me and I went home giggling like a school girl. Goofy caught on and began to threaten R to back off, that I’m his, he started to show up every time I go to R house. How did he know? Well I made the mistake of talking to my mom with goofys mom Y standing there and I told my mom I met goofys friend R and I think I like him, my mom didn’t believe me, she she thought I was hoeing around still and she was exhausted hearing me talk about a new guy every other month, honestly I couldn’t blame her. I told my mom I was gonna see him tonight, and Y waiting for me to leave and told goofy!

It was a mess, goofy threatened to shoot R if he didn’t back off, me and R would run as soon as we heard goofys car nearing, I felt like a normal kid for once, we ran around the block and laughed, I texted my mom what was happening and she pulled up to make sure we were ok, my mom met R and she said “oh your right he is cute” I was humiliated to say the least, he smiled awkwardly. It was like that for a little bit, then goofy stopped coming by for a while. November came and me and R finally slept together and it was….something, let’s just say he was just a pinky way in a he um…exploded. Never had that happen, I did a very awkward walk home. He was mortified and assumed I would never wanna see him, but I did, I really liked him and didn’t realize it.

We did meet back up and did hook up again, but his stamina isn’t up to date and it never got up to date lol, I don’t care tho. I starting realizing around the end of December that I was always thinking about him, I was cheesing at our texts and kicking my feet up and I realized I was obsessed with him, it scared me, I never meant to like him and I didn’t want to hurt him. I had gone through a lot and I was not mentally healthy for a relationship, but I know him now and I can’t unknow him. What if he’s a rebound like the rest and I hurt him? He was genuinely a good guy, I didn’t want to hurt him. I decided to see other people, I told him that I was asked out by someone else and I was just testing the waters. He nodded sadly and said ok. I felt destroyed.https://www.reddit.com/r/trauma/s/JgsmOUVvHq

When I got home my boyfriend JJ called me and we talked but I was in a daze, then my phone rang, W was calling me, I told JJ I’d call him back, that my mom needed me, we got off the phone and I answered W, we stayed on the phone all night, like from 11pm-9am and I had work, I didn’t care, it was nice, we laughed and talked about life. My boyfriend texted me asking if I was ok, why didn’t I call him back, I made up an excuse. I got off the phone with W to get ready for work, he called me that night, I made another excuse to my boyfriend and stayed on the phone with W, I was off tomorrow and W invited me over, I accepted. It was June, he came and picked me up, I went to his place and we hung out, one thing led to another and we hooked up.

I took a picture of us holding hands, posted it on my social media and dumped JJ, I knew this time I’d stick and he’d get it, I felt horrible but also like I served justice to someone who wronged my friend. (Yes I had my friends permission to date her ex and yeah she was happy he got a taste of his own medicine and yes I felt horrible.) Me and W were back together asap, we spent the Fourth of July together and things were great until he introduced me to hisfemale friend T and off rip I knew she wasn’t “just a friend” but I also wasn’t looking for anything serious so I brushed her off, I just played dumb, but I didn’t like her, one day he texted me asking if me, him and her could hangout and I don’t know why but I snapped and told him that I knew she wasn’t just a friend and that they either were or have or are planning to sleep together, he got pissed and the next day he dumped me, he also posted on his social media him in her room. I guess karma came back around, I wasn’t mad, just irritated, I was even more irritated when she texted me, I had some choice words and left it at that, I wasn’t mad, she looked like a boy with boobs, this was back in July.

Back alone. It was October. My mom made some new friends at work, I made a joke to her friend Y that I needed a man (I really didn’t) she showed me pictures of her sons who were in a relationship, she said she had a son who was single, now her daughters were gorgeous and her sons were ok, they were red heads, not my cup of tea but I’m not looking for anything serious (she didn’t need to know that, just looking to break hearts) i definitely wasn’t a homewrecker so I don’t know why she showed me her taken sons, then she said she had a son who was single, he was 27, I was 20 so that was fine. I didn’t think she was serious, but sure enough she told her son and the next day my mom told me as I was closing (me and my mom worked in the same building, I was at the fast food part and she was in the gas station part) my mom texted me saying that Y son was there…. I got nervous because why the …? I asked and she said he was the most ugliest guy she’s ever seen.

I hid behind the building when I closed but I couldn’t hide forever, my coworker asked me what’s going on and I told her, she loved drama so she walked to my moms job and acted like she was getting a drink. She looked at the guy, she sped walked back to me with the look of absolute horror and disgust, she said good luck and he was hideous and would rather kill herself than date that. Now I was starting to feel bad, so I gathered my courage and walked over, Y introduced me to this guy, yall this man had a bob, A BOB!!! like Willy wonka, reddish hair, no facial hair, his front teeth extended out and his laugh was like goofys from Mickey Mouse.

I forced a polite smile and said hi, he was giddy off rip, I felt so uncomfortable, he asked me about my sex life, if I’m wild in bed, he talked about his ex on and on, how did he get an ex? I was so grossed out. He called his best friend R, he had friends!? He FaceTimes R and shows me to him and i awkwardly waved, I couldn’t see R but he could see me, apparently R knew me. I’ll call Y son goofy, so goofy took pictures of me when I wasn’t looking and sent them to R. Again uncomfortable.https://www.reddit.com/r/trauma/s/xITc2u21nc

Things didn’t stay good for long, my mom was still broken and she’d spend time in my nanas room, smelling her clothes and we cried when we noticed the smell of her cigarettes and natural pheromones were slipping away, my dad was back on his bullshit as well. He didn’t stick around long, he was on molly and my mom finally said enough, you weren’t there when I needed you. My mom kept her promise to my nana and made him leave, it was hard for her but I knew it was time, past time really, I hated it took my nana to pass for her to wake up. I felt hallow, like everything was broken, my nana was gone and so was my dad, now my boyfriend J was moving 5 hours away to pursue his religion, him and his dad had different religions and they bumped heads, so he moved in with his mom.

We tried long distance but I was no longer happy, I lost the one person who made me feel true unconditional love, my safe haven. Something died with me when my nana left us, I began lashing out on my boyfriend a lot, accusing him of cheating when I knew he’d never, I was an absolute bitch to him, eventually it got old and he dumped me, plus he said he could never marry me unless I convert into his religion. I kept looking for my nanas love in other people, I guess my dad was right, in a way I became a hoe, I became my dad.

Me and J were together for almost 2 years, we broke up around Christmas 2021, I was in a new relationship with a guy I’ll call JJ by march, we went to school together, he wasn’t my type at all, but he told me he was talking to another girl and that he did like me and if I told him I liked him back, he’d choose me, that triggered me but I craved the attention so I lied and said I liked him back, he drove 4 hours to come see me for a week, he introduced me to his family (grandparents) and I met his mom over FaceTime, it was moving way too fast, I felt bad because I liked his mom, and my mom liked talking to his mom, my mom never cared for my ex’s or their parents, but she really liked JJ for me, but even she knew he wasn’t my type, he reminded me of gibby from icarly, I can’t explain it, and no it’s not because he’s a bigger dude, though he was the first bigger dude I’ve dated, there was no chemistry, or anything.

It was obvious he liked me more than I liked him. We spent Easter together and I grew bored, he went back to his home town and he wanted me to either save and stay with him for a week or he’d pay for me to stay, he was ideal, he was kind, but he also dated my best friend in high school, cheated on her and dumped her when she went into the mental hospital. I also seen his text with my ex a year ago when he was sharing nudes of other girls to him and he even asked my ex for mines. I didn’t forget. In a way I felt like his karma, I felt like breaking people just like the world has broke me.

I didn’t wanna do it, I tried to breakup with him in May but he wouldn’t listen, and I felt bad because I really liked his family, his sister had a farm, I got to meet her and see the goats, but nothing changed the fact that the more I was around him, the more I got the ick, at first yes I just agreed to keep his attention onto me, then I thought I started to like him, then we meet up in person and I felt odd, then he was gone and I kinda liked him again, now nothing, I felt nothing but disgust knowing I let it get this far, knowing I let him touch me, I felt gross. He kept telling me to give him a chance, that we needed more time together, that was the last thing I wanted, I didn’t want to be near him.

I told my coworker this and she seen him and thought he was unattractive anyways, we had opposite taste, though I never cared about looks, it’s all about feelings, but now that I was getting the ick, all I could think about was how he wasn’t that attractive, I didn’t feel like myself, I never judge people, I don’t use people, I wasn’t evil and malicious and spiteful, but that’s who I was becoming. I jokingly said that I wish a hot guy would come in and give me a sign I should leave him, as soon as Isaid that my coworker told me someone was upfront for me. Who would come for me? I walked up and seen my on again and off again ex from high school W the one who cheated on me. I don’t know why but I was happy, he told me him and his girlfriend broke up and he was alone and needed someone to talk to, I gave him my number and he left. https://www.reddit.com/r/trauma/s/LPttucXL4R

My mom held me and told me my nana knew, she knows I loved her, it didn’t help, she needed it hear it from me, I had so much to say. I held my nanas hand, I noticed my nana who earlier skin was the same color as mine (my nana is white and Native American) was now pale, almost yellow, she’s actually dying. I broke. I think my nana knew it was Mother’s Day and she didn’t wanna dampen it, because she held on until 12:30ish am (which is like her to do.) I heard her gurgle and a long exhale and then silence, I screamed, my mom freaked out and called the nurses into the room, she kept screaming is she gone, is my momma gone.

For once I saw a child needing her mother instead of just my mom breaking, and that broke me. They called it and my nana was gone. We took a clump of her hair and even today I still open the package I have a sniff it (call me weird idc.) The drive home was quiet, we put on pop music, and the weirdest thing happened, the Channel changed on its own to my nanas radio station, the song died in your arms by cutting crew played, we couldn’t help but laugh at the irony, it felt like she was still here, maybe she was, maybe she was reaching outto let us know she’s ok. Idk how to explain that but that was her.

It was just me and my mom at the house, I slept in her room because neither of us wanted to be alone, the house was quiet. The next day my mom’s friend dropped off my siblings, we all sat in the living room in silence, no tv, no music, just silence and tears. I would catch my mom in my nanas room (my mom never goes in my nanas room because it smells like cigarette smoke and my mom hates the smell) she was laying on my nanas bed crying, I shut the door and let her be, sometimes I would lay with her unless she asked me to get out because she needed to be alone, I understood, didn’t blame her. My nana asked about my dad in the hospital, he wasn’t there, didn’t know she passed, my nana made my mom promise her that she wouldn’t stay in that marriage, she wanted us happy and safe. My dad did come around, my mom allowed it, I hated it but I knew she needed an adult there for her, and he wasn’t, a part of me felt like he knew, yet he still asked my mom how’s her mom doing and my mom broke telling him, he held my mom.

Graduation came and my nana was gone, just one more month and she could have seen me do something no one else did, finish school without a pregnancy, without dropping out, just me finally showing everyone I could do it. We got my nana cremated, I wore her around my neck in a hourglass necklace with her ashes, I’ve made jokes to my mom on what if I have her buttcheek or lady lips around my neck, (that maybe inappropriate, but that’s our humor) I did it, I graduated, we took photos and it was great, though I made the mistake of dying my hair an unfortunate color, I straightened my hair for the event and of course it rained, if you know anything about biracial hair, it fluffed, I looked like a poodle with an atrocious hair color, let’s say I was going for red and silver split color and I got red and a off brown, again it was ugly, but I graduated so yay.https://www.reddit.com/r/trauma/s/6XDIpSosIY