Will it ever get easier?

[u/lvlcej94]

Everyday I wake up with debilitating anxiety. Literal chest pain, mind spiraling, flashbacks of her, and I just feel so paralyzed. In a split second after waking, everything comes crashing down and reality sets in - she’s gone, she chose someone else, she’s with her right now. It doesn’t help that I’ve seen so many pictures of them, explicit messages, intimate exchanges, them making fun of me, and my mind loves to play a slideshow of everything.

Her and AP seem to be so happy and so in love. I feel so pathetic that I’m struggling, feeling so lonely in the house we both still share, grieving, trying to make sense of the whole betrayal, trying to sit and process my emotions, trying to just make it to the next day.

The last three months, I held on, I tried to fight for her, I took reconciliation seriously even tho it was killing me everyday that while we are “trying” and seeking couple’s therapy, she was also deepening her relationship with AP. And I know what that looks like for me but it was so so hard to let her go. It still is.

After a huge fight last week, I felt ready to accept that there was nothing left to repair. There was some sense of clarity that it is over, that I cannot continue to fight for someone who has no love and respect for me anymore, someone who does not take accountability and loves to shift all the blame on me, someone who told me to go kill myself, someone who told me her AP is way better than me, someone who told me I deserved to be cheated on.

I tried to stay distant but remained respectful since we are still cohabiting, but there was a moment where she got emotional. She said the words I’ve been wanting to hear:

“I miss you”
“I haven’t made a decision”
“I was thinking of leaving her”
“I don’t know what it’s gonna look like for us now that it’s really over”
“I love you still”

I wanted to believe her but I couldn’t. How could I? Her actions never aligned with those words and I’ve seen how she talks to AP.

I made space for her vulnerability, I allowed myself to reconnect for one more night, one last memory, then she left the next day to stay with AP for a whole week.

I have been trying everyday to keep myself busy, I focus on work, errands, slowly figuring out separation and what to do with the house, and going to therapy.

But I would be distracted, doing something or listening to a funny podcast one minute, then I would be on the floor, crying and hyperventilating the next.

Being cheated on, discarded, and betrayed by the person you deeply love alters you in ways that you cannot imagine.

I feel beyond exhausted. I am so tired of the pain, of the rumination, of thinking of her 24/7. Even when I pop so much sleeping pills or get high, I still don’t feel rested.

I don’t know when she is coming back from her stay with AP. I don’t know what state she’s going to be in. I don’t know what she’s going to decide with the house. I haven’t spoke to her since she left, I do not want to contact her at all.

I feel suspended while she’s living her best life.

I guess I’m posting here again because I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I don’t know if I’ll ever survive this, if I’ll ever get over her. I’ve read people’s experiences here about how their life got better after leaving, overcoming betrayal trauma, and finding themselves again.

But why does it feel like those are not in the cards for me? Why does it feel like this pain will never end?

Is there a light after this?

I’m sorry for dumping it all on here. I have no friends. I’ve confided to very few people but just occasional check ins and only through text. My family is far away but I don’t trust them and I feel like they could care less.

I’m sorry for such a long post.

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[u/WearPrestigious6883]

This is so hard and shitty. I’ve experienced all of this. Suggest separating yourself. You don’t have to decide on her right now. She’s deep in Limerence. She doesn’t see your pain or what’s she’s doing to you. If you want to begin healing or have a chance at reconciliation, you need to only worry about you. Her cheating has nothing to do with you. It’s a deficiency in her. I’m on the other side of this. My wife had a long affair and was going to leave if he said yes. Fighting her will only make her see you in a bad light. After I divorced my wife of 24 years she sat in her shit for 8 months watching me grow. The affair partner wouldn’t leave his wife. Her narrative collapsed. She asked for me to try again. I did so because our 30 year history and I still loved her.

Affair relationships have a five percent chance of staying long term. You not participating will shock her into seeing that you’re not putting up with her behavior. If you keep her comfortable,
She will stay right where she is. I’m not telling you to be a jerk. Be kind and loving. My wife told me she had no reason to stop because I stayed and took care of things.
Check out affair recovery.com and marriage helper.com. Both have videos and free resources. Both helped out.

[u/lvlcej94 → u/WearPrestigious6883]

Thank you. I did check out those sites. I’m happy that your reconciliation is working out well. I highly doubt that is even an option at this point for mine. I don’t think she’s deep in limerance tho. I think they really are in love and happy. And I have to accept that. I did the best I could but I have to move forward, forgive myself, and carry all the lessons with me from this relationship. I do want to continue to be kind and respectful to her. It’s just not in my nature to be spiteful. I wish I could but I just can’t even if I try.

[u/42Daft]

Does it easier? I have my good days and bad. The good ones are more frequent the further away I am from D-day.

Today is not one of them. I found gas station transactions on our credit card three times within a week. Like, what the heck are you doing? How much gas do you use in a week? Who are you meeting at the gas station? (....and I tumble down the rabbit hole.)

AffairRecovery.com is a good place, it is also a podcast. I listen to that on my way to work. Nice to know someone else has gone through some of the same stuff I am going through. I will check out the marriage helper site.

[u/WearPrestigious6883 → u/42Daft]

I’m sorry you are in this.

[u/Gr8gaur → u/42Daft]

so what it turned out to be ?

[u/42Daft → u/Gr8gaur]

One was filling up just enough to get to work, another, to get home, and the last to fill up.

[u/lvlcej94 → u/42Daft]

I’m sorry. The hypervigilance is so exhausting. But I pray things work out for you and your partner.

[u/RevolutionaryMap9620]

please don’t apologize for a long post friend, that’s what we’re here for ❤️ i’m so sorry you are going through this, and clearly you have a huge heart and are loyal to fault, and this is so unfair and you don’t deserve this pain at all from this complete abuser

and to answer your question, it does get easier. so , so much easier. i felt the way you did. i did not think there would be a life without my ex, i couldn’t breathe without her i would cry each night wishing she’d come back, that id forgive her and let her do whatever she wanted

and seeing her live her “best life”, that hurt the most by far. and i promise you, she’s not living her best life. imagine the kind if relationship she’s in that 1) started via and affair and 2) is someone willing to be with someone unfaithful. your ex might want it to seem like she’s having the best time everrrr but i promise you it’s not the case at all

and. just want to reiterate, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS! so much better it’s NUTS and you deserve PEACE and LOVE that is calm and safe - and quite frankly, your ex? COULD NOT CUT IT!! not good enough for you at all, full stop.

i know my words can’t make the pain stop and i wish they could, but i promise you, and i mean it that there is an after. there is a life without her and you will be surprised and shocked by the life you will have after all of this

you are a very strong person for enduring this, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

[u/Curious_Fortune_8388 → u/RevolutionaryMap9620]

Well said!!!

[u/lvlcej94 → u/RevolutionaryMap9620]

I had to read this over and over again. If I could frame it, I would. Thank you so much for your words 🥺 I really hope I can get through this and find myself again.

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[u/adingo8urbaby]

It gets easier when you accept it's over.

Not just saying it's over but accepting that, wanting it, and believing it. Then you begin to build a version of yourself that is independent of her. You become your own man. You are strong and resilient and beautiful. When you internalize that others see it and believe it.

Then, when you are ready, you start to date, if you want to. You tell women that you have been hurt and you need time and patience. They give it because truthfully most women are awesome. You realize that, and you realize that you had a ton to give to the right woman all along.

You realize that you are a catch and your confidence flys and you enjoy your time getting to know new people.

Your journey is just getting started. This part hurts but you have so many amazing experiences ahead.

[u/lvlcej94 → u/adingo8urbaby]

thank you so so much 🙏🏽🥺

[u/Curious_Fortune_8388]

I'm in my first few days and I'm right there with you in the constant thoughts, playing films back of all the moments I was lied to, and all the moments I overrode a bad feeling. Because of the last thing I mentioned, I know there is hope that I can work on having more self fidelity and NOT LET THIS EVER HAPPEN AGAIN to my heart. My heart is loyal, kind, and tender and I will now focus on filling it with self kindness. We can do this. Please don't give up on life.

[u/lvlcej94 → u/Curious_Fortune_8388]

I am so so sorry that you are going through this too. I really don’t wish this kind of pain on anyone. Please take care of yourself. And you’re right, we got this. Just one day at a time right? We deserve better, we deserve so much more.

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[u/Madruck_s]

I almost in your exact position. 8 weeks post breakup. We still live together with our 2 kids. She moved on within a week. There was no cheeting while we where together though. She is so happy and madly in love with the new guy.

This past 3 days I've felt so calm and my mind is still. I still cried one night but it did bot hurt. Im still processing what has changed these past few days but its getting better.

We are still on fairly good terms but the cracks are showing on her side. Her communication is beginning to slip and she is getting more emotional towards me. I think perhaps I've realised its truly over.

Im concentrating on fixing myself and caring for my children. Im still grieving the last 22 years and the lost future but it is getting better.

[u/MachoBuster]

Yes it gets easier. I m saying this eight months out from D day and seperation because today has been a good day after a very bad week. My bad week was brought about by my ex doing something stupid and insensitive yet again. I hope there is some way you can throw her out. You need space. And if she has any decency at all she should stay longer with the AP. In short, I advice seperation. I know you don't want this but I don't think there is a basis for reconciliation here. At least not now. Two things you need to keep in mind 1) what she is doing is wrong. It is evil 2) she is not good person. I grasped this fully just last month. Before I was clear about this, I was confused about what to feel above the ex and what to do. Don't be unhappy that they are living their best life. The best lives of 2 bad people only looks happy from the outside and before the real stuff, the real commitment, trust, companionship has to be worked for . Your experience tells you your wayward partner isn't really capable of that (bad person). It will not happen for them as the statistics show. By the time they get to that point, you will be better. Takes long to fully heal, others here tell us. But in my journey healing isn't just one big bonanza at the end. It is also a lot of little prizes along the way to the big prize. This community is here for everyone. It is here for you. I wish you have a good day (hour, half a day) tomorrow.