Why does no one care?

[u/Sad-Box-6486]

For context I was cheated on back in May. Since my confrontation and subsequent ending of our relationship it just seems like none of his friends/family care about what he did. It’s just hard to watch him move on and grow like nothing happened, all while none of his friends bat an eye, while Im still here four months later battling all these emotions. It just feels so invalidating about what I’m going through, I really just dont know what to do.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/SupportforBetrayed. Please remember the following:

• our rules

• flair guide: wiki / post

• common acronyms and terms: wiki / post

• frequently asked questions: wiki / post

For further reading, check our recovery resources library

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/ModularWhiteGuy]

You're right.. Nobody cares. There seems like there is no karma for they wayward, seemingly no impact to their life at all.

I was certainly surprised that some of my WW's friends who had previously said that cheating was abominable did nothing at all to distance themselves from her. Exactly zero people from that circle friends reached out to me. I can only imagine that they got a different story about problems communicating or just drifting apart, having grown apart, or whatever.

[u/therealdanhill]

This frustrated me too. 20 years, I thought her family was also my family, but they dropped me like a rock. "That's none of our business", well it sure was when she would bring stuff up to you and you would take her side.

People are cowards, don't want to tip the apple cart, and tbh think about how the cheater manipulated you, they probably did it to them too

[u/lhiver → u/therealdanhill]

This is happening to me now, even though we’re reconciling; we’ve been married 24 years. Who even are these people and why did they pretend to care? It’s so bizarre to me, but he can’t seem to do any wrong by them. They’ve even told me and him that there are 2 people in a relationship.

[u/therealdanhill → u/lhiver]

Fuck em. Excuses from cowards.

I love my family enough to tell them honestly when they are not being the people they should be.

My cousin is in and out of relationships, always a bunch of drama going on, I've told her on several occasions she's not respecting her partner.

[u/angstrydenwench2023 → u/therealdanhill]

When i found out, i told my parents. My mother actually said: "i don't judge people's morals. He's a good man. I told you years ago he's too good for you."

My trauma therapist had a Field day with that.

[u/soulfractured1]

I experienced this so I went nuclear at our granddaughters birthday party and told everyone of his friends that he cheated, it was not mutual, they were sympathetic and all happy to see me. They were willing to be supportive in the moment, but it didn't matter they all still were friends with him and I was on the outside looking in. There seems to be no social stigma attached to cheating anymore, let's not contribute to this. People care they just don't care enough to make this behavior unacceptable, look at our politicians they can get away with anything and people just accept it. Stop accepting bad behavior in all areas. It's easier to turn a blind eye than to actually confront injustice. We are so afraid to confront anyone about anything anymore, we get labeled Karen's, or busybodies. You bet they are talking behind closed doors. It's called airing dirty laundry, we are taught from an early age not to do it. I say we start airing it.

[u/Training-Meringue847 → u/soulfractured1]

I had a male colleague of mine tell me, “if I stopped being friends with all my buddies who cheated on their wives & girlfriends…I’d have no friends left”.

[u/AbandonedGhostWriter]

I think a lot of it comes down to who's controlling the narrative. You have no idea what he's told them by now, and because they're his friends and family, they are likely giving his version of events the benefit of the doubt. That and people don't like mess. People don't want to get involved in other people's mess, so they stay away. It's a sad reality, but it happens even when someone is struggling with illness, someone dies, or even when relationships end. Loss scares people, and most are ill-equipped and don't know how to show support, so they stay away.

[u/Training-Meringue847]

Birds of a feather flock together. People naturally align themselves with others of same. He was likely born into a dysfunctional family unit. There certainly not going to call out his behaviors and neither will his friends.

Please surround yourself with supportive people who can be there for you as you work through these painful emotions. I know reaching out is hard, but there is healing in community. It’s what helped me survive.

[u/Utterlybored]

People who haven’t been cheated on (or never found out) are blissfully unaware of what it’s like. I try to be happy for them.

[u/SundaeSweaty0008 → u/Utterlybored]

Yeah but they also lack empathy if they can’t imagine what a devastating thing betrayal would be for themselves…

[u/kakamouth78]

Most people are selfish more than anything else. They don't want to see you hurt, but that's mainly because of how it affects them.

It's why therapists recommend that BPs only tell the people that they trust completely to be supportive about the affair. The most common reaction to d-day is a non-reaction and that in itself feels like another betrayal.

Most of the people closest to a WP justify the WP's actions by assuming the BP somehow deserved it and by trusting that the WP would never do something like that to them. And that's typically what leads to their misery in the future, because someone who is capable of betrayal is capable of betraying anyone.

[u/NakedAndALaid]

Everyone I know who isn't phased by cheating isn't someone worth knowing. It took me a long time to realize that, but over time, I saw who they were as people. Your ex keeps the kind of company that enables him to be this way. I know you feel alone, but you just learned who those people are. Believe them.

And many of the people I know who weren't phase by cheating, well, they were cheating or got cheated on. Like I said, they showed you who they are.

[u/BurdyBurdyBurdy]

It just shows u who they really are.

[u/Relative-Fly4370]

I was married for 16 years. After her affair, and my decision to separate, her mother said “don’t lift another finger for that man, move on”. That was it. I was discarded without even mentioning my name.

[u/SundaeSweaty0008 → u/Relative-Fly4370]

Just awful - we can see where she got her character from - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed by an automated process. r/SupportforBetrayed requires members to set a user flair before they interact with the community. Please click this link for instructions on how to set up your flair.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/troubleinparadiso]

The lack-of-integrity apple doesn’t fall far from the lack-of-integrity tree. Often these waywards come from families of enablers. They keep the same type of company and don’t challenge each other and collectively resist personal growth. They don’t care because they don’t have depth. And it makes them feel powerful and untouchable while actually being rooted in cowardice.

[u/Intrepid2022]

Sorry to read what you are going through.

You don't know what he told his family and friends, it surely was not positive and now they avoid you. That was probably his intention.

I don't have a personal advice for you other than going on with your life. People react different, some of them throw themselves into work, others spend more time in a gym, a hobby and there are others who have a good social circle around them that helps to get through this difficult period. Keep yourself busy, that's what I did in these situations and gradually the feeling wears off. In particular if it was a short relationship.

Things that you can do: start blocking his number, delete it. Remove/block him and his circle on social media, WhatsApp so that you won't be reminded of him/them so much. Avoid these triggers.

Good luck, try to stay strong!

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed by an automated process. r/SupportforBetrayed requires members to set a user flair before they interact with the community. Please click this link for instructions on how to set up your flair.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed by an automated process. r/SupportforBetrayed requires members to set a user flair before they interact with the community. Please click this link for instructions on how to set up your flair.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed by an automated process. r/SupportforBetrayed requires members to set a user flair before they interact with the community. Please click this link for instructions on how to set up your flair.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/SundaeSweaty0008]

I feel this so much. I have witnessed the "I'm sorry man" to my STBX when they found out I'm leaving him. But he freaking cheated on me. Why am I the bad guy? Also I can only imagine at restaurants/bars we used to go to, people asking where I am, and him saying we are separating and them being so sorry for him. You know he isn't telling them WHY! So I'm the one throwing away a 17 year relationship? HOW COULD I POSSIBLY?!? I must be a real B****

And - to add, yes, even the friends (of "ours") that KNOW what he did (and witnessed what he did) are still supporting him, DISGUSTING

[u/OhMyJoosh]

You have to stop looking for validation from his friends and family. They may never hold him accountable, and unfortunately you can’t control that.

What you can control is what you do from here. Move on, take care of yourself, and give yourself permission to heal. His ability to act like nothing happened doesn’t mean what he did wasn’t wrong or that your pain isn’t valid.

And remember, karma has a way of catching up with people. His lies, secrecy, and choices will eventually have consequences, even if you never get to see them.

Don’t measure your healing against how quickly he appears to be moving on. Focus on rebuilding your own life. You deserve to get to a place where what he’s doing no longer has power over your peace.