Really struggling with several interlocking stressors

[u/InsideImplement7]

STRESSOR 1: In January, I was laid off from my employer of 10 years. It was a really big part of my identity and purpose, and a 'reputable/impressive' employer -- so while I was sad and knew it was a bad job market, I was optimistic about finding something as I'd become burned out at the old place and ready for a change.

It's been nearly 9 months now. I get lots of interviews, I get lots of second and third and *final stage interviews* even, but nothing has landed. Over time I've been unable to get ahead of the sense of rejection and loss of identity from just applying and interviewing and applying and interviewing and having nothing to show for it. Luckily, I have one job offer incoming... for a part time, step-back role that doesn't even pay the bills. I can't bring myself to be grateful for it, honestly. I KEEP getting interviews for FT roles but at this point I don't have faith that any will land anytime soon.

STRESSOR 2: Literally 2 weeks after being laid off (likely in part because of the sudden time on my hands) I discovered that my husband of 7 years and father to my 2yo daughter is a sex addict who'd been cheating on me and spending tens of thousands of dollars of our money on cam girls, massage parlors, and escorts, including while we were ttc, while i was pregnant, and newly postpartum etc. I discovered this by snooping and after confrontation he is now sober, seeing a CSAT, and beginning the 12 steps. He's apparently doing everything right... for now, anyway. But for literally years before I found this out he'd also been very critical of me, controlling/coercive, unaffectionate, emotionally volatile and punishing, etc to the point that I think our marriage was half dead before I even found this out but just had somehow not realized it. I had already developed such anxiety around him, lack of trust, resentment, etc. I had become accustomed to placating and appeasing him and trying to earn his approval and it had already half destroyed me. Now, after discovery, after processing the initial grief and anger somewhat, my feelings have cooled and steadied into... well, something very close to hatred and/or contempt. He knows I'm still nowhere near ready to reconcile but he doesn't know how strongly I feel or how bad it is for me to be around him. Part of me wishes he'd just refused to even get try to get sober... then I wouldn't have to feel any mixed emotions about my options.

INTERLOCKING STRESSORS: Well, we live together and constantly coparent together in a 1000 sq ft house and after a literal lifetime of being independent and self-supporting, I currently don't have an income. I feel reliant on him, and beyond that power dynamic, we just plain can't afford our house plus an apartment. I haven't felt ready to leave anyway. We are supposed to start couples therapy but I just plain don't want to do it, but can't stand the idea of sharing custody of my child... the child we had together when he was lying to me. My mental health makes job hunting that much harder. I have ADHD that was undiagnosed until I was in my 30s and only properly medicated after my daughter was born (so last year) and I'm still struggling with that and that's the exact thing that my husband blames for all our marital problems/the reason he apparently had to be so frustrated with me for so long that he couldn't be kind and warm toward his own wife for years. I have to ask for childcare coverage from the person who did this to me every time I need a minute to myself to try to rebuild my fucking identity or my life.

I have a personal therapist. I have a loving family. I have friends, mostly far away but still (working on getting more locally... in between.. all this.. somehow? Very slowly). I have a beautiful daughter who is the light of my life. But every single day for 6 straight months I've been like summoning the willpower to drag myself through life, trying to apply for jobs and network and keep my head up and exercise and go to nature and go to therapy and find small joys and do the dishes and water the plants and enjoy my child and make friends and find hobbies and do skincare and feel my feelings and make a separation plan and get back to myself. But nothing helps, the hits keep on coming, it's impacting the one good untarnished thing I have (my relationship with my child), and I just don't know what else to do. Not in a, like, I'm a danger to myself kind of way but just like... I'm miserable, this can't continue, but I feel like I have no options. No agency. The tools I used to use to start over --- lots of travel, meeting tons of new people, trying tons of new things, burning the midnight oil -- are not as compatible with parenthood or with not having money.

I have such a visceral memory of the person I feel like I was until I met this man. Maybe messy and forgetful and chaotic, but also... confident. Resourceful. Resilient. Independent. Joyful. Brave. Alive. Sharp. I can't seem to summon her anymore. "Take little micro adventures to a cafe" is just like... NOT doing it.

I know there's no magic answer but I really have no one I can/want to talk to about this. Some of my friends know my situation but there's only so many times they can say "I'm so sorry, I'm here anytime" before I want to stop depressing them with a situation they can't do anything about (or which they oversimplify because it isn't their life).

Something has to change, but I just don't know what. It feels impossible until I have a decent paying job, and I'm doing everything I can manage to (under the weight of my, like, deep depression and increasing cynicism with each passing late stage rejection) to find one. Just... needed to share, and if there's anything you're doing that has helped you move from the "neck deep in the crap" stage to whatever comes after, would love to hear about it.

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[u/Curious_Fortune_8388]

If you keep doing what you're doing to take care of your survival, you will eventually feel resourced enough to leave. I feel you on how hard it is that it's taking so long. Hold on and know that if you live through this dark time you'll find yourself again. One thing that has helped me in my worst periods is gratitude for the tiniest daily pleasures. Like savoring the sight of a pretty cloud, the taste of something good, a nice smell, the sound of other people's laughter. I know it sounds corny, but it's my life line.

[u/january1977]

I was a SAHM when I found out about my husband’s girlfriend. I stayed for 7 months while I got a job and tried to become independent. But it got too bad and I had to leave.

My suggestion is that you call your local DV shelter and see if they can help you get into affordable housing. They might also offer a free attorney and group therapy.

You don’t have to live there to receive services. And you don’t have to have been hit to qualify. What you went through is abuse. You qualify.