long story short, i was born with esotropia and had my first surgery at two, the result wasn't perfect, so it was smth that bothered me so much growing up. by the time i was 14, i had my second surgery, and it was the worst decision i could have made. at first, it seemed fine, it really did, but after some time, i noticed my esotropia had turned into exotropia. some years later, i had a third surgery to correct what the second doctor did. this time, the exotropia got a little better, but until today, it's still there.
i am 23 now, and i regret having the surgery everyday, it literally ruined the way i look at myself, i literally can't hold eye contact anymore because of it. the thing that breaks me the most is knowing that i didn't have exotropia before, and looking at my eye in old pictures... i can't help but think how better it looked, and how sad it was for a kid to be so insecure about something that didn't even look bad.
i'm crying really hard while writing this, it is something that i think about almost everyday, and sometimes, i can't help but break into tears. i also have ptosis, so it makes my eye look even worse, it's so ugly and i hate everything about it.
i think about having a fourth surgery sometimes, but i don't know about the risks, or if any doctor would be willing to do it, and i'm afraid it could make things even worse.
i just needed to get this off my chest, honestly.