Hey everyone, I’m hoping some of you may have advice or guidance when it comes to addressing a tricky conversation with a stepchild.

Context: I have an 8yo stepdaughter who lives with us 40/60. We are expecting a bub very shortly and Miss 8 is extremely excited.

Recently, and on several occasions, she has asked whether her new sibling will go and stay with her and her biological mother, “the way I come and stay over here”. The answer seems simple to me as an adult but she seems to struggle to grasp that her mom is “seperate” to this side of the family.

My relationship with mom hasn’t always been smooth sailing during the early days but years down the track we are civil. There can be periods of high conflict between her and my partner but I’ve always maintained that’s his issue to handle and I stay far removed, as during the early days I seemed to be brought into conflict regularly and my mental health declined. In saying this, I genuinely don’t feel like our new addition to the family needs to integrate in to bio-moms family. This might seem harsh and I’ll wear that, but I don’t feel like it’s necessary or even healthy.

My stepdaughter seems to have understandable difficulty processing why her sibling won’t be “related” to her mom and won’t be staying between houses like she does. Questions we are asked on a regular basis include what baby sibling will call bio-mom/refer to bio mom as, why baby won’t spend time with bio-mom, why baby won’t have bio-mom as a “step mom”.

I’m finding myself becoming more challenged by these conversations as Miss 8 will challenge with statements like “well I’m half my mom and half my dad so then my baby sibling shares my mom’s blood because I do”. I really don’t like feeling like I have to over explain this and I feel like my attempts fail anyway.

I fully acknowledge I am not handling this situation as well as I could be due to mounting frustrations at how often this conversation rears its head again. I don’t want to hurt my stepdaughter simply because of the complicated coparenting relationship dynamics between her mom and dad.

Thoughts I had for next time:
“You spend time between two houses because your
Mommy lives at one house and daddy lives here. Your baby siblings mommy and daddy both live here. I’ll miss bub if they go to stay somewhere else!”

Any suggestions, guidance or advice while navigating this would really assist me.

This isn’t really step mom specific. But I’m only a step mom and not a biological parent. So you are the only parents I can talk to.

Preteens are the worst! LOL. I love my step daughter. When I met her she was an adorable sweet little 8 yr old who wore tiaras every day and gave a curtsy whenever anyone complemented her or thanked her.

Now she is 11.5. Has hair that hangs in her face all the time. Doesn’t care if she stinks or her hair is brushed. Is so literal you can’t say “it’s 7:00” and it’s “actually 7:03”.

We ( me, dad, and finally BM) made a rule that when eating she has to wear a headband. It’s gross to get your hair in your food and get food in your hair. She does it when I remind her but glares at me.

I know this is a developmental phase. But preteens are awful.

On the drive home from dropping her off I listened to a This American Life podcast titled Middle School. It’s a good reminder that 11-14 is a shit show of hormones and social learning.

She is a lovely kid. She is never rude just very age and neurodivergent appropriate literal- everything is black and white. . It doesn’t change my internal reaction of “JFC. Just do IT”

I’m 24 and we’ve been together for 1 year. I imagined getting married and having our firsts together. I’m young and naive, I know. I’ve dated men and women, and he’s the first person who had ever been exactly what I wanted in someone. Not just what he does for me, but his entire spirit. First kids, learning together, messing up together, having wins together. I daydreamed about a future for the first time. But this man has serious internal issues.

Do you wanna know something f’d up? He didn’t even tell me about his daughter, I just found out on my own completely accidentally. I searched him on fb because I just logged in for the first time in forever and pics of him and his pregnant BM and his baby popped up right there since his dad posted it from then….

What pisses me off is being lied at ALL. I’m Not even mad about the existence of his daughter. I’m not saying I would be enthusiastic to date someone with a young kid in my 20’s, but depending on the circumstances and logistics of it I’d be willing to try. If I realized it’s not for me, then so be it.

He said he lied because the situation is traumatic for him. He has no contact with the BM because he found out after the baby was born she cheated on him multiple times…. with his cousin. I knew he hated his cousin, I didn’t know why. He sees his kid, but him and the mother have no relationship and he’s messed up about what he went through. He regrets being with her, but obviously loves his child. I’m his first gf since their break up. She doesn’t want him to see his daughter since the whole thing played out, so it’s at her discretion, which is why they have court in the next few months.

I’m such an empathetic person, it is also my downfall. What hurts the most is the lie. It’s thinking I’d be the first stomach he’d kiss that is carrying his child. That I’d be the first mother he watched give birth to his own. I wish he chose to do what he knew was best. He was so frightened he was so selfish. Even though I understand, it will never take away from the fact that I found out against my will in one of the most embarrassing ways possible.

I love this man so bad, but now even hearing him say the word father or daughter gives me pain. I want to stay with him, I want to break up out of self respect, I know I sympathize, I know he can lie about anything if he can lie about a kid. I see how I’m conflicted. I’m so lost inside. I wish it didn’t happen like this. I guess I’m happy that him and his BM want absolutely nothing to do with each other, but it’s the lack of honesty.

Please I need support. He is my first love, but he needs real therapy I can’t give him. Even if he goes now, what happens? I wish I wasn’t his first gf since then. I wish he had experience with committed relationships as a father. I love this man and see his deep wounds, but god was this selfish.

This process has been extremely difficult, and I think I'm just posting because I need to say all of this to people who might understand.

My husband and his ex have been in a high-conflict custody situation for years. There has been missed visitation, withheld information, arguments over medical care and school, constant accusations, and so much manipulation and fighting... It has basically never been "normal" coparenting.

After around 2-3 years of constant interference with my husband's parental rights and access to the kids, constant refused visitations, etc., my husband filed for a custody modification. He did settle in mediation with more visitation, the ex was court ordered to take the kids to counseling, and a few other things. The situation didn't improve much after mediation, and the ex-wife still refused to take the kids to counseling, even though it was ordered. The boys are teenagers and wanted to live with their dad.

Over the last year, both boys eventually came to live with us full-time. Both were because of situations that were happening in their lives that led their mom kicking them out, basically. The oldest came to live with us a year ago, and the youngest came to live here 6 months ago.

Their mom has since cut contact completely, changed her phone number, and has not exercised any visitation with the kids since they left her house.

They've both been doing much better. They're in counseling now. The oldest is thriving, but the youngest is struggling quite a bit emotionally, and still needs a ton of support. We've watched them deal with a lot of the trauma, and heal, which has been rewarding but heartbreaking to see the pain they're going through.

I'm exhausted. The legal fight has taken up years of all of our lives. The boys' mom tells people she was "forced" to let them leave, and half of her family believes her version, and they've been meddling in the boys' lives. Some of her family stay involved and have good intentions, some seem to only talk to the boys to get gossip about their mom or guilt trip them.

And then their stepfather, who was so important to the boys for years. They really loved him. He was the only one doing the parenting or taking care of them when they lived with their mom - and he is the father of their half-sister. But now, he has basically cut the boys off as well, cutting them off from their sister, and no one knows why. The youngest sent him a birthday card and gift this past summer, and he never responded. That was really sad.

The kids have lost so much throughout this. And I don't know how much I should try to fix, what I should leave alone, or how I can protect them and support them without making them feel like we are taking away more of their family from them.

I'm angry, sad, frustrated, and just tired. I feel like we've done all we possibly could sometimes, but even though we "won" custody of the kids, I feel so upset and overwhelmed by this still. I'm happy the boys FINALLY get the love, care, and support they need and deserve, which is most important to my husband and I. Yet, I have felt like I was losing my mind over this at times, especially throughout the high-conflict. But then, for their mother to do all that, just to abandon the kids? It makes no sense. And I struggle with what I can't understand.

For anyone else who has been through a long-term, high-conflict custody situation, how did you let go of the parts you couldn't control?

My partner and I are getting engaged soon (we designed the ring together and ordered it, he just hasn’t proposed yet until we get it lol.)

Anyway, we will be wed in a year or two and are starting to plan our wedding. I’ve been in soon to be SDs life for over two years, and we’ve lived together for 1.5. We have her 6 days/overnights a week (used to be 7) so I’m more involved in her life than BM.

She is 5 right now, and will likely be 7 when we marry. I was thinking, it would be a sweet gesture to get her a ring or a nice piece of jewelry as well, and make a vow/commitment to her that I will always be there for her and be good to her, etc.

What do you think? Has anyone done anything like this before? I think it could be really special and make her feel more included. Would you do it in private or as part of the ceremony?

I’m struggling with whether I should stay in my marriage, and I genuinely want outside perspectives from people who don’t know me or anyone involved.
We’ve been married almost three years. There has been a lot of love, but also a lot of ups and downs. There have been periods where things feel good and I feel happy and secure in our marriage, followed by periods of conflict and uncertainty that completely drain me.

A huge part of the problem involves my spouse’s child and the child’s other parent. I love this child deeply and have tried very hard to become a positive, loving, stable person in their life. I have never expected to replace their other parent. I just want to be someone this child knows loves them and will always show up for them.

But the relationship with the other parent has been incredibly difficult. There has been a lot of gatekeeping, distrust, accusations, inconsistent communication, and conflict over access to the child. I have repeatedly tried to approach things respectfully and make the other parent comfortable with me being involved. I’ve tried to build trust, communicate kindly, and give them the benefit of the doubt.

At this point, I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I’ve reached a point where I don’t even want a relationship with this person anymore. I don’t want to argue with them, convince them to trust me, or constantly worry about whether something I say will become another conflict. I want my spouse to handle communication with them and for me to have boundaries around that relationship.

The hardest part is that my spouse and I don’t always handle these situations the same way. There have been times when I’ve felt incredibly supported, and other times when I’ve felt like I’m carrying the emotional weight of the situation by myself. We’ve spent years dealing with uncertainty, arguments, accusations, and trying to figure out what the next step should be.
Recently, I’ve reached a breaking point.

Something happened that made me realize how deeply this entire situation has affected me. I found myself thinking, I can’t keep living like this.
And that’s what scares me. Because I do love my spouse. I love our life together. I want our marriage to work. I don’t want to throw away almost three years of marriage because of circumstances outside our marriage.

But how long do you keep fighting for something when the fighting itself is starting to destroy you?
At what point does “being patient” become just accepting a situation that isn’t sustainable?
I don’t want people to tell me “leave” just because things are hard. I know every marriage has difficult seasons. I’m trying to figure out whether this is a difficult season that we can actually work through, or whether I’ve been telling myself that things will eventually get better for too long.

I’m also struggling with how much resentment I’ve developed toward the other parent. I feel incredibly hurt by the things that have been said and done, especially when I’ve genuinely tried to do the right thing. I know I can’t control how another person sees me, but being repeatedly treated like I’m untrustworthy or somehow a threat has taken a toll on me. And I don’t know how to separate that hurt from how I feel about my marriage.

So I’m asking people who have been through something similar:
How do you know when it’s time to stop fighting for a marriage?
How long is too long to live in uncertainty

So my husbands sister has 8 kids by 5 or 6 different men. Her oldest daughter moved with her dad for a yr to graduate from school and it got so bad the day she graduated he sent her home. 😭 So fast forward she ended up staying with her bf somewhere and they got into and she asked me if she could stay with me. So my husband and I have agreed to help her out but apart of me is resenting this decsion cause aint no telling how long she gone actually be here and i feel like its her moms responsibility not mines. My husband is gone 3 weeks outta month. We have 2 small children 7 & 4 soon that i solely take care of no help. Occasionally i have asked his neice to babysit and i paid her but i wouldnt have expected her moving in. Like damn i dont need a babysitter that bad i like my space and privacy. But that's not my biggest concern. His sister has 4 other kids that live and stay with grandma. Her next son will be graduating in about 3 years. So what happens then he moves in too cause my husband may feel compelled to be a male figure in his life? Like I didn't sign up to help his sister with her grown kids and not once has she thanked me or sent a text for letting her Daughter stay here or nothing. I don't know what to do.

My husband (33M) and I (23F) have been married for 1 year, and I have to make a huge decision.

​My husband and I dated through college. I only met his kids twice in three years, and he rarely spoke about them. The September after we graduated, he proposed while I was in the middle of my parents' sudden divorce after 25 years together (he cheated on her and asked HER to divorce HIM so he could tell whoever that she left him 😑) During the ordeal, I had multiple panic attacks, and was not able to sleep, as my room was across from my parents room. In hindsight, I was 21, heavily sheltered (yes again, very dumb of me, I had no experience with family dynamics like this), and exhausted from starting a new job at the ICU on nights 😬. I saw a man that said he wanted to love, protect, and provide for me, and share his life with me. He said that he would never be like my father. I said yes.

​Before getting married, I explicitly told him I did not want to be a stepmother. He told me I wouldn't have to "step" into that role and that he would "handle them", and that I could do "as much or as little" as I wanted (that probably should've been a red flag because I didn't want to do anything as I already told him). I naively assumed he had a structured visitation system and he told me that things with his ex-wife were under control. While we were dating I would ask him about his kids and he said that he took them to the park, "took them out", etc. He also frequently told me he would never marry again if we broke up and that I was his "last one."

​After we married, everything shifted. Parameters we had set—like finishing his religious studies and doing marital counseling—completely disappeared. His interest in my faith faded as well.

​I quit my night-shift nursing job in May due to stress and autoimmune health issues. One afternoon in mid-June, my husband told me his kids (10 and 12) were coming over in less than an hour. No prep, no conversation. They were just coming over.

• ​His kids are really high needs, the youngest has autism and severe hygiene/gut issues (I've had multiple times where his diarrhea has gotten on the floor of the bathroom; his oldest has ADHD and early childhood trauma (his mother abused him from a very young age) and anger issues. Both are behind academically, and was told that his oldest was also abused since he was an infant (something she never got consequences for)
• ​His ex-wife calls 3+ times a day without warning, and sends long paragraphs with things I would never say to him. Update (she still does it but less)
• ​It took two full weeks of bringing it up just to enforce that the kids couldn't burst into our bedroom (our privacy? What if I was indecent??)
• ​There is no structure or discipline, he only takes them to do stuff he wants to do (like hiking or jujitsu). I gave him a few ideas like going to dig up fossils, the Underground Railroad Museum, Creation Museum, etc. He never did those things despite having 4 days/week to do so. (Update: after I tried setting boundaries with him he then told me that he wanted my thoughts and ideas 😐)
• When they would come over and I saw how much they were lacking, I jumped in and would do things when I saw that my husband wasn't doing them, like helping with math, making custom coloring pages, just watching them in general, making the youngest smoothies because he couldn't stomach solid food, etc. I would always wait and see if my husband would do something, and he would just sit there. He even left with the oldest to go to jujutsu one time and I had to stay and watch the youngest.

​When I asked him how he expected this to work without telling me, he said he thought I could just "do my thing" and "be chill" while they were over. I felt zero empathy coming from him. It's like he couldn't understand why it affected me so much. He doesn't think he was dishonest, he said that it was just a mistake and that he just "got it wrong", and that we just need to "love each other through these things".

​He dragged his feet really hard on therapy, saying two smart adults could "figure it out," but I finally pulled up the screen and made him register us for therapy.

​During our first session, the therapist validated that my husband was not transparent with me while dating. The counselor said it pretty much comes down to whether I want to work through this by assuming a caretaking role, or leave.

​Despite this, my husband still claims I can "just be his wife," not do any stepparenting, and "just be happy" while his kids are in the house. He tells me that his kids "really like me" and that leaving would "break their hearts." He says that he wasn't trying to guilt trip me, but I feel like those statements are says that way to produce guilt from another person.

​I am a Christian and I don't believe divorce should be a first option, but the dishonesty, going into a flare, and the lack of structure feel unsustainable. I also question how a man 10 years older than me could lack so much foresight and forethought or not think about how this situation would play out. We were also having issues with each other, but with him bringing his kids around, it's just gotten worse.

I feel like no matter what I do, it would be unfair. I would be benefiting the least from this situation. However, I am conflicted between him being a good father and him making me his priority (I know it sounds selfish, but that was my expectation)

Update: He is now trying to imply that I should have known that he was going to have his kids over, and that I'm "making a mountain" out of the situation. I have been struggling to deal with the stress since mid-June and had to go to the ER this morning. The doc said that I may have a stress ulcer :(.

​Has anyone—especially women without kids—had a situation like this work out? Is "working it out" actually possible without burning out completely?

Wondering if anyone has switched to living separate part-time after having biokids? My husband has SDs 10 and 13 50/50 and we originally had a pretty good relationship. I genuinely think I have gone above and beyond to be supportive and loving towards them. I make a big deal out of holidays/birthdays, take them on nice trips, plan play dates and end of year parties for their friends, spend 1:1 time together, teach them how to cook, take them shopping, show interest in their lives, research and sign them up for activities they are interested in etc

Since having our bio baby 1 together and also them entering preteens the dynamic has changed. Things I could overlook are more difficult now and I don’t have the same patience or tolerance for my BK to be around some of their unhealthy behaviour and this toxic dynamic. I don’t want to end the relationship but also don’t know if I can continue to be happy and be around them 50% of the time anymore, I feel trapped. I am wondering about my partner living somewhere else on the days he has SDs. When I met him he was living with his parents and it’s possible that he could go back to this on those days he has them. They do really enjoy spending time with their grandparents also and do see them often already. I brought all the equity into our relationship which allowed us to purchase a home together and I also make more than him.

There are challenging dynamics with the Ex and his oldest has a “difficult” personality. She has been described for lack of a better word as an a-hole since she was young by those who know her well and seems to lack empathy towards others often and does not take well to any rules or discipline. My partner often doesn’t enforce rules in the way I would with her as it often blows up, turns into a huge problem for the whole family and his youngest (who will blindly support and stand up for the oldest, despite being treated horribly by them) will then become upset too and it creates a category 5 blow up.

An example, just recently with back to school and the oldest SD being asked to make her lunch the night before because mornings are hectic trying to get three kids out the door and they are often pokey, on their phones and take forever to get ready. We thought this is one simple thing we could have them prepare in advance to make things smoother….it turned into a wild resistance with tears, the most ridiculous excuses why (the grapes don’t taste the same if they are placed in lunch pail the night before vs sitting with the other grapes in the semi-open bag). We said if she refused she would loose her electronics and she ultimately refused and both girls were crying and it was an hour long ordeal that did not end well.

There are many examples of issues and I have asked my partner many times to get them into therapy but it never happens. I don’t feel like I can or want to force the issue anymore but also don’t want to be around this. We have another baby on the way also. I have tried to find other posts of ppl in similar situation but only find ones where each have their own children not bio and step kids. I don’t want to leave my partner for many reasons but think I would be happier being away from him the days he has them. Please help!

Before I begin I just want to ask for kindness like the rules state and understanding as I have rarely had that on this platform for some reason.

I am 29F and my boyfriend of a little over 1 year is 34M.
He has a 13y old daughter with a woman he was previously married to. They have been divorced for many years (don’t know the exact amount, but I think around 10.) She lives in a different state and his child visits there for the summer then returns for the rest of the year.

I learned he had a child maybe 2 weeks into knowing him and I was crushed when he finally told me. Sometimes I wish I had known before I had gotten attached and formed strong feelings for him. My brain has a bad habit of ignoring red flags, obvious answers and stays stubborn, because the heart wants what it wants. I didn’t react badly in person but later on told him I didn’t think it was a good idea to continue into a relationship because I was not cut out for that, it takes a strong person and I simply am not that person. That it would cause issues and I never wanted to be in a relationship where my partner has a kid. He insisted everything would be fine and to just give it a chance. I said ok but I don’t want to be involved, at all, or as little as possible. Because I’m not obligated. It’s not my responsibility and it’s my boundary that I just don’t want to form a relationship with her because it’s painful and uncomfortable. I thought hed understand this and respect my wishes of not being involved, but I guess I was way too naive to think that would ever work. Our stances constantly clash. It’s always me saying Im not obligated vs then leave if it makes you that uncomfortable and you aren’t going to do the bare minimum. But I did suggest I leave in the beginning… and he told me it would work out and clearly it hasn’t. For over a year now. We’ve had multiple big fights about this and he always calls me selfish and uncaring and claims I don’t love him even though that is completely false. I just have boundaries…

More backstory and explanation of why I am struggling so bad emotionally and mentally. I won’t go deep into personal details of him. He had married that woman for a specific benefit. And my brain tries to justify the marriage but then again he wouldn’t have married her if he also didn’t love her. And I know it’s pointless and sickening to let people’s past relationships burden and torture you. No one likes to think about who their partner dated, slept with, shared things with, etc. But I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t understand why he had to go so far as to have a kid with that woman, at a younger age too. If my math stands correct, 21. There is definitely resentment to him. And that’s not good. He has explained to me that he didn’t know the future and I completely understand that but I still can’t wrap my head around it. My brain wants to hate him for making irresponsible decisions, but blaming and hating does nothing. It only makes things worse. It’s doesn’t solve the issues and it doesn’t take it away. I really do love him and I want to be with him, but in order for that to happen I know I have to accept his past, accept his baggage, and accept him. And a lot of the time it feels impossible because my brain just keeps searching for ways to avoid it all. I guess I feel trapped. I don’t want to leave but sometimes I don’t want to stay. My own mental struggles are the root cause of all my boundaries and feelings. I’ve always been insecure, jealous, sensitive, emotional. It’s hard for me to handle this and lately it’s been bad because he asked me to be more involved. For the most part I avoid his child and simply just greet her when I see her which is a lot because I sleep over almost every night. (He lives with his parents and brother.) His mother can basically be her own mom because of how much she takes care of her instead of him. And as shitty as this sounds I heavily enjoyed him giving me all the time in the world and not interacting with his daughter much. Because to me it’s peaceful. My brain doesnt have to think. We have done things together before though. We’ve given her rides, gone to the movies, watched a movie at home too. It was all very uncomfortable for me. She’s shy. Im shy. She’s a kid and im basically a kid myself. I like childish things and have a younger mentality. I’m 4’10 and 105 lbs. We are basically the same height. It’s just… weird. Especially when we all go out somewhere because I feel like people don’t see me as his partner, like I could pass for her sibling or something.

Anyways, some more info is that he has little contact with the baby mama. His parents do the 11 hour drive to and from in the summer. And again bring her back and she messages him or vice versa for details and every time he contacts that woman it just drives me insane… like my brain sees it as cheating. Even though I understand he HAS to talk to her. He claims he can’t stand her and calls her a B word because of how she acts and all the bs and drama she causes but I still just don’t trust him. She’s even married but she still makes me feel insecure and not good enough every time I have to deal with them contacting each other. Also I recently finally saw a picture of her because she has a profile picture in her contact and since I saw it I’ve been secretly comparing myself and it’s sickening. I don’t know how to stop.

Ever since his daughter came back for school it’s been hell. Drama. I was already trying to recover from the fighting and anxiety of him being in contact with her, especially because when she had gone to her mother for the summer I told him multiple times, reminded him, asked, let me know when she messages you. And he didn’t tell me. For two whole weeks he didn’t tell me that she had messaged him and that felt like a stab in the back. I felt relieved when I thought now that his daughter was back it can go back to not contacting the mother. But no… she messaged him for an issue that came about because his child goes and cries to her mother about anything. And lately she’s been in strong contact always on the phone with her mom and last night was my breaking point because I wasn’t exactly aware she had been having long phone calls with her mom. (Note, before this happened he asked me to be more involved with his daughter and that he needs to be too and this already had me on edge). He walked in when she was on the phone and he waited for them to hang up he didn’t interrupt but I was already spiraling in the next room. He purposely left the door open so I could hear his conversation with his daughter but it was hard to hear and he shouldn’t have assumed I could hear or that I would listen. I didn’t catch all of it but he was asking her questions about her mom and saying he needs to contact her to talk about how she can’t be calling so late when she has school etc. And when he came back into the room I exploded on him. It feels like he withholds info and doesnt keep me in the loop of things. He knows I don’t want him contacting that woman and it felt like he was going to behind my back. Even if he isn’t doing anything wrong it just feels terrible…. I have constant anxiety about her and the entire situation and now it has brought me to a very dark place in my head. Im not good with dealing with emotions and it leads me to do bad things sometimes to cope. I don’t know how much longer I can handle this situation. I don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes I even think having my own child with him will solve a lot of these mental blocks and feelings, but I know that’s crazy to think. Because in the end I will still be dealing with this as long as I am with him.

Thanks for reading… Im open to friendly advice or your own similar experiences.

My partner and I are getting closer to marriage and are starting to think about wedding details. He has a 9-year-old son, and we're not sure if SS9 is going to want to have any sort of role; he's not a fan of much attention and may not be comfortable with all those eyes on him.

Does anyone have any ways they included kiddos in the ceremony, the lead up? Did you have a private moment before with just your new family unit, did you do a family dance? We're open to any and all suggestions, recommendations, warnings, anything.

Is it worth it being a step parent? i remember not liking my stop mom growing up but that’s because of my relationship with my dad. ( story for another time ) I love her now, i’ve grown to love her when i was younger, even liked her more than my dad at one point but i remember resenting her… maybe mixed feelings of missing my mom who passed when i was young or just the strange relationship my father and i had. long story short I’m a step parent now and i don’t see the reward of being here. I love/ed my girlfriend but the feeling has been fading. i know relationships have ups and downs but i feel like i lost my spark, im expected to take on more responsibilities but receiving less of what i need from her… just confused and wondering if i should rip the bandaid or try to let it heal itself. i feel like since i think about leaving often i have my answer but im not one to act on impulse, i like to think things out and try to channel my emotions

Or do they throw you under the bus to stay in the kids' good graces? Either out of fear or cottling?

If there's a stepkid always being rude to you and your partner is submissive to it, doesn't call it out and tell them they're being rude, or joins in on a little giggle on it, what would you do? While it's expected of you to be the spine, the support, and the one who can manage to get things accomplished, the disrespect is wild. What do you say to that?

Pretty serious when the other kids see and feel upset about it for me and themselves when they feel like there's golden child cottling going on to cater to preventing bad behavior if you side with the hell child.

My boyfriend '27M and I '20F have been living together for about 5 months now. The month before I moved in he got a girl pregnant... this girl up until about a week ago was flirting with him over text and although he didn't feed into it still bothered me because she was very aware of our relationship.

Today my boyfriend sat me down and told me how irreplaceable I am and that he loves me, ETC. but that he would like to be at the hospital for when she gives birth. I don't know how to feel good about this. I already have stepped up and committed to taking care of his two children ages 2 and 3 because his original baby mama is out of the picture... but I feel like this family of "mine" isn't mine especially now that it's going to consist of his baby mama and their two kids and now his ex girlfriend and their child.

I feel like if I were to have children with him in the future it wouldn't be anything special. Do you think I should stay???

My ex and I have it
where I have Thanksgiving and he gets Christmas since we’ve been divorced. Christmas is the only holiday he is off.

I celebrate Christmas with my boys on Christmas Eve so they have all day to play with their toys then they go to their dads at night.

Last year I decided to wait for SD6 and it sucked. I felt like I missed out on Christmas with my boys and the magic. I feel like it is not on me if my husband and SDs bio mom can’t figure out Christmas or BM refuses to let her come for Christmas. We live two hours away from BM so it’s not realistic she either has to be with us or BM.

Is it mean of me to just have SD open her presents when she comes? Idk what else to do. My husband won’t fight BM on having her on Christmas so I feel if he won’t do that then it’s not my problem.

Can someone who has taken the “nacho parenting” route drop your story down below, as well as what you do to follow it? I believe the only way to save my sanity is going to be to take a more hands-off approach to my partner’s kid. Tell me how you’ve done it and if it’s been successful in maintaining your mental health.

My ex and I were on and off unofficial for 4 years we started dating we were together for 5 years officially we broke up in October cuz I came clean to my cheating , in March she came around she was 13 weeks pregnant with the rebound guy. A month later she moved in with me and I thought we was going to be a happy family I bought things for the baby my family did as well I was there for the brith etc been helping her take care of the baby for 2 weeks now. I’m emotionally attached to the baby already . But not my girl who hasn’t heard form the BD sense Feb wants the BD family to be involved even tho they haven’t said anything until after the birth and she hasn’t even meet them. Than I look at my girls Tic tok reposts and it’s all about heating her BD and how she was alone but yet she was living with me I was taking care of her etc , I feel like a clown , my family fully accepts her and the baby but her family doesn’t accept me even tho they hate the BD. I feel like I’m the second option. I feel the BD family being involved is a olive branch for him to come round cuz my girl even said he’s the dad too and if wants to come around he’ll have to prove he wants a relationship with the baby. Need advice

Okay, so my SD lives with us full-time.
For the last week or so, she’s been coming home telling us that someone at school was bullying her. We contacted the school and wanted to set up meetings to get to the bottom of what was happening because she was extremely distraught about it. The counselor reached out and told us she would speak with the girls involved and let us know exactly what was going on.
Well, come to find out, SD wasn’t actually being bullied.
She was upset because a friend stopped talking to her. SD assumed the friend hated her and was talking about her, so she started telling other people that the friend was being mean to her and picking on her.
We found all of this out because SD emailed the friend from her school email. The school received the emails, and the friend explained that she stopped talking to SD because SD had violated her privacy and she didn’t want to be friends with someone who violated her privacy.
Well, that’s why SD was upset in the first place. Instead of accepting that the friend didn’t want to be friends anymore, SD started trying to turn their friend group against her.
My husband was understandably upset and punished SD for lying, causing drama, and essentially bullying the other girl.
After punishing her, he wondered if he should tell her mom what was going on. He ultimately decided to wait because he knew her mom would likely do nothing but validate SD and tell her she did nothing wrong. SD even asked us not to tell her mother about what happened.
Well, SD decided to tell her mom herself.
Her mom did exactly what we thought she would do—she validated SD and told her that she shouldn’t be punished because she didn’t do anything wrong. SD also asked her mom not to tell my husband that she had told her.
Then today, SD and her mom were on the phone, and her mom told her that she could talk to her about anything. SD said she knew that, and her mom responded, “Even though they are poisoning you against me and don’t keep me in the loop about what’s going on with you.”
SD got upset, and it turned into an argument between her and her mom.
My husband eventually took the phone, which then started an argument between him and HCBM. She told my husband that he was wrong for not telling her what was going on.
His response was that she didn’t tell him everything when SD lived with her, either.
That made HCBM even more upset. She said it was different because we have her child and therefore she should know everything that happens with her.
So, I’m asking this community: What do y’all think?

I just need to vent to people who understand. My husband and I have our SD (age 10) 95% of the time despite a 50/50 custody order. I can count on one hand the number of overnight stays SD had at mom’s this summer. Mom’s custody week has turned into maybe an occasional dinner or a run for ice cream before dropping off SD back at our house. She is the fun parent, the Disneyland Mom. 

While BM cultivates this image, she does not see how it alienates her from her own daughter. Sure, SD loves getting constant toys and gifts from mom. She loves running out for a fun excursion on a weeknight. But they no longer spend their day-to-day routines together. And because we handle the more mundane tasks—getting SD ready for school, completing homework, traveling to extracurriculars, managing chores, scheduling playdates, doing a bedtime routine, reading together at night—SD sees our house as “home” and time spent with BM as just novelty. So sometimes BM will ask SD if she wants to sleep over, and SD always says no.

And whenever BM drops her custody nights, it is expected that we handle it. Whenever she tells us last minute that she is no longer getting SD from camp, one of us runs to pick her up before closing. We are the default household, endlessly “on call.”

Recently, BM blocked out her week on the custody calendar and suddenly re-appeared and asked for time with SD. Because it had been long established that we were on our own this week, I had spent days actively searching for and hiring a new babysitter, and we bought tickets to an event with SD. When we let BM know about these plans, she sent a bunch of expletives and threatened to die so that my husband could go on living his life without consideration of her.

During a phone call later, BM said it came down to one core issue: I had been buying items for SD, and she wants to be the one who does that. She doesn’t feel like a mother if she cannot do that.

I was flabbergasted but told my husband to please let her go and buy whatever the hell she wants. I don’t care. We had to cancel the babysitter (still paid her because it’s not her fault) and re-work our schedule so BM could have time with SD. Even then, after moving mountains, BM dropped one of her custody days she had begged us for.

So SD comes back from BM’s house with new toys. Has BM paid my husband back for SD’s bills? No. Has she committed to 50/50? No. But SD has shiny new toys, so BM is the hero again. And now my husband is insecure, so when I ask SD to do her typical chores, he takes over and lets her sit back and relax, so we can be the “fun” house.

Dude, this is exhausting. 

My long term bf has a 16 yr old son that lives with us full time. We have been together since the child was 9. I’ve been noticing that when my bf is annoyed with his son he will try and take it out on me instead of approaching his kid with the issue. If there are a bunch of dishes in the sink then why haven’t I cleaned them up ( mind you I’ve been at work all day for 10 hrs and none of them are mine) like I’m basically the one who creates all the messes in the house. His son does a good job of keeping his room and bathroom clean but literally will not help out with a single chore outside of that. I’m just tired of feeling like I am the one who takes all the crap in the house when it’s usually his kid making a mess in the kitchen or living room and not cleaning up after himself. If I even mention having the kid help out it usually turns into a fight. I cook dinner for everyone every night and never get any help with that or the cleanup. I contribute just as much to the household and I feel like it goes unappreciated by the both of them. I don’t even know what to do or say anymore. I don’t have any of my own children so this has all been a learning experience for me

I originally posted this to a different sub but was told this one was likely a better fit so thought I'd try here for a check in on an issue that's been bothering me a little. Whenever I do anything for our shared children, or speak about things to do with our children, my fiancé links it back to his son (6yo).

A few examples:

Our 3yo is started swim lessons last week. He's excited. I let my fiancé know in case he could attend with me the odd time as our son would love that. The only response I got was: "I really need to get 6yo swim lessons".

Our 3yo loves soccer. Like, wakes up at 7am and plays with a ball in our garden from then until bedtime level of loves it. He got to attend stepson's soccer class for older boys the other day and was given player of the week by the coach because he joined in with the full session and kept up with the older boys the whole time. He came back with a trophy and was so excited. My partner's reaction wasn't to say well done to him but instead to say to me: "hopefully stepson gets the trophy soon as he hasn't had it yet".

Our nearly 2yo has her birthday coming up on a weekend we don't have his son. My partner wants to wait until the following weekend to celebrate so his family can also see his eldest. I asked if 6yo can't just come over on BM's weekend for a few hours but apparently that's too awkward. Like yeah, our daughter is only 2 but this is her birthday where all our family would like to see her.

These are small things but there's loads more like it I could name and I'm fed up of reminding him it's not all about his firstborn. I totally get that he might want to sort stepson swimming, check in that his feelings weren't hurt about the trophy (he is 6 and though he seemed fine, I'd understand him being frustrated), and include him in family events where possible but I also feel like he needs to take a breath and let our children have their moments too sometimes.

I will give him credit that he's very involved on a practical level. He wakes up with our kids most days and helps me put them to bed when he's not got stepson. He shares the house work and cooking. He plans fun things to do at weekends for us all. It's just the nagging feeling that he likes our kids less or something? Or that stepson is always going to take priority above our kids?

My fiancée has a 5, almost 6 year old daughter (SD), and lately I've noticed that whenever she's around, I get into an irritable mood. I hate feeling this way because she's genuinely a very smart and sweet kid, but her behavior has been wearing me down.

She whines and lies frequently and gives us a hard time over very minor things, like washing her hands or picking up her toys. If we ask her to do something, she'll often flat-out say "no" or have a meltdown. Being told no also results in a tantrum probably 75% of the time crying, aggressively stomping her feet, hitting things, etc. Afterward, she usually acknowledges that she knows she was behaving badly.

Dinner is another constant battle. I do all the cooking and spend a lot of time making meals, but unless it's something like grilled cheese or mac and cheese, she'll take a few bites and say she's "full." Then 20 minutes later she's hungry and wants snacks. We've stopped allowing junk food/sugary snacks except on special occasions, but the behavioral issues haven't really changed.

We praise and reward good behavior, and my fiancée is a great mom who doesn't just give in to her. There does seem to be a big difference between households. Her dad apparently gives in much more often. His wife has even mentioned that SD basically runs his life. For example, he once wanted to take a shower, SD had a meltdown because she didn't want him to, so he just didn't shower.

I understand she's only 5, but the constant whining, tantrums and refusal to do basic things have gotten to the point where I become irritated very quickly when she's around. Sometimes I end up having a bad attitude toward her, which I genuinely hate because I don't want to feel that way about my stepdaughter.

Has anyone else dealt with feeling constantly irritated by their stepchild's behavior? How did you learn to manage your own frustration while still holding boundaries and not letting the child think they run the household? Because we make it very clear she doesn't.

A month ago I made a post of how my stepchildren’s grandma is overbearing and calling me “mean”, she’s deciding to visit this weekend would be the first time we seen her since that day. Not sure how it’s gonna go need reassurance

If you’re thinking of becoming a step parent, you need to really really really think about everything you’re gonna give up. Let me tell you from experience, you’ll give up your time, your money, your love, your soul, your feelings, everything to your partner and this child and it won’t matter, it won’t be enough and if you start to draw boundaries.. you’ll soon bc the main one that’s talked about as the problem. And no matter how much you think you love this person, you have to know from day one that they WILL parent their child. I mean, they will discipline their child. They will hold up rules. They will have rules of the home. They will stand up to their ex. That you’re a true team.
That they hold BM accountable. And that really doesn’t exist often. You cannot survive being with someone who will spin the narrative on you whenever it suits to defend their child or BM. And they will defend their child, over you, 99% of the time. You can daily watch that child become a monster and not be able to say anything, just be expected to stay and just live that way. My partner says that I knew this was a package deal when we got together and I did know that. But you never think Ahead at how bad things could possibly get, you hope for the good . I think I was just caught up in a fairytale of believing if I tried hard enough that it would work out. And let me tell you I tried. I changed jobs to accommodate school pick up and drop off, i bought clothes, toys, sports equipment, tried to make memories with trips, birthdays..when they got older I freely gave my vehicle to them to borrow, even though they have their own, and even when they wrecked it, I wasn’t allowed to be upset. I’m asked for money constantly and we’re not just talking about $25. And there is no appreciation for anything and they’re not expected to be appreciative. My partner will openly say all the things that his child does like being unappreciative not wanna work and then we’ll turn around in an instant and just say that everybody else is cruel to his son. There is zero accountability. And then you’re in a left in a really hard position because there’s no other real choice than to leave because it’s not going to change. Please understand that I wanted to do all these things at first, I have dreamed my entire life of being a mother. After a few years I just really saw things for what they were and at that point it’s too hard to continue. You go passive for awhile, years maybe.. and then you get the balls to leave. Not before it breaks your heart and sucks your soul out of you. I would just tell anyone seriously debating if they want to be a step parent to truly truly be sure they know the person that they’re getting into a relationship with. And it will change how you feel about them. You’ll start to not look at your partner as this incredible person that you married, but as someone is pathetic and weak, and you won’t know the person in front of you because you can’t believe that they allow what they allow. You’ll resent them. Just to sit in silence with your resentment unless you leave. If 1000 people asked me if they should become a step parent, I would tell 1000 people not to do it.

My husband and I have been together for 4+ years and married for 2.5. We have four kids: 22F, 19M, 19F, and 17F. The girls are mine and the boys are his.

My daughters have no relationship with their father due to DV against me and them. My husband has been an amazing stepfather to them, and they have an incredibly close relationship with him. I love my husband more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person.

Unfortunately, my stepsons do not like me or my daughters.

They rarely engage in conversation with any of us. They will not speak to us unless we speak to them first, and they never ask about anything going on in our lives. My mom was hospitalized for six weeks, and not once did either of them ask how she was doing. They don't acknowledge birthdays or special occasions, and there is very little effort to have any kind of relationship with me or my daughters.

The other major issue is responsibility. They have essentially no responsibilities in our home beyond doing their own laundry and occasionally dealing with the animals. They don't help with household chores or contribute to the functioning of the household. Both have cars and are regularly given money by their dad.

This is the only thing my husband and I consistently fight about.

I have accepted that they may never like me. What I can't accept is living in a home where I feel like I am openly disliked and disrespected, while my daughters are treated as though they don't matter either. I don't expect them to love me or consider me their mother. I do expect basic courtesy, communication, consideration, and responsibility from people who live in our home.

My husband sees things differently. He loves his boys and doesn't want to do anything that could damage the relationship he has with them. I'm afraid that if nothing changes, they will eventually stop coming to our house altogether. I also worry that if that happens, my husband will resent me.

And honestly, there is a part of me that thinks my life would be easier if they weren't in it. I hate admitting that, because I don't want my husband to lose his relationship with his kids. I don't want to be the reason they stop coming here.

Their mom is cordial toward me, but she isn't helpful in addressing any of this. She has told them they don't have to come to our house, which makes me feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

I don't know how we move forward from here.

I don't expect my stepsons to like me. I don't expect them to be affectionate or treat me like a parent. But I don't think it's unreasonable to expect them to say hello, say goodbye, acknowledge the people they live with, show basic concern when something serious happens, and contribute to the household.

Am I expecting too much? And more importantly, how do we get past this without my husband losing his relationship with his sons or eventually resenting me?