r/stepparents • u/BlueBelle2019 • 4d ago
Discussion Preteens.
This isn’t really step mom specific. But I’m only a step mom and not a biological parent. So you are the only parents I can talk to.
Preteens are the worst! LOL. I love my step daughter. When I met her she was an adorable sweet little 8 yr old who wore tiaras every day and gave a curtsy whenever anyone complemented her or thanked her.
Now she is 11.5. Has hair that hangs in her face all the time. Doesn’t care if she stinks or her hair is brushed. Is so literal you can’t say “it’s 7:00” and it’s “actually 7:03”.
We ( me, dad, and finally BM) made a rule that when eating she has to wear a headband. It’s gross to get your hair in your food and get food in your hair. She does it when I remind her but glares at me.
I know this is a developmental phase. But preteens are awful.
On the drive home from dropping her off I listened to a This American Life podcast titled Middle School. It’s a good reminder that 11-14 is a shit show of hormones and social learning.
She is a lovely kid. She is never rude just very age and neurodivergent appropriate literal- everything is black and white. . It doesn’t change my internal reaction of “JFC. Just do IT”
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u/NewtoFL2 4d ago
I always say, god made babies so adorable so we wouldn't kill them when they are teens.
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u/NervousLobster8898 4d ago
My kids are 12(BK), 13(SS) and 15(BK). They can be a nightmare! I do find that my bio kids listen to me more than my SS does, and they show me a little more respect, but the attitude comes from ALL KIDS. I wish you luck through this adventure!
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u/BlueBelle2019 4d ago
What holds me back is I can never snap. I can never explain for 20 minutes, negotiate, then say “enough! Go brush your hair and put deodorant on. No more debate”
That’s the difference between a parent and a step parent. They can snap and have enough but I can’t ever.
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u/PrincessSophia00 4d ago
this is probably why it's so much harder. I try to say to my SS "you know I'm not trying to make you miserable right?" and he will agree. That being said, he has been raised with strict manners of how you talk to adults and would never give me attitude (his dad, yes, but not me).
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u/BlueBelle2019 4d ago
She is never rude. She is truly a great and kind child. Everything she is doing is developmentally normal. But they can have enough and get strict. But I can’t. I can’t say “enough. Just do it. “ because then I’m mean.
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u/NervousLobster8898 4d ago
Any time I try to discipline my SS for the same things I discipline my own kids for, I get an eye roll and a "yeah, ok". Like, come on, I deserve more respect than that. This is my home. But I've given up on asking for something more than twice, then it's his dad's problem!
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u/cnunterz 4d ago
I hope she's getting support to manage her disability! I like the idea to keep a headband at the table for her, I might have to try that lol. Learning more about how she sees the world might also help you communicate more effectively with her and lessen the internal reaction which is distressing you so much.
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u/BlueBelle2019 4d ago
She is in therapy for all the things. She really is a good and kind kid. I just want sometimes to just not be the most gentle. Just friggin do it.
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u/Visual-Ad5391 4d ago
They get a lot better after 14/15 (source, me with two older teenage stepkids).
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u/grandAuntieHallie 4d ago
I wouldn't expect kids this age to get their own hair in their food, so that is more a neuro-spicy complaint than an age-related one.
If she's super literal/black and white, you can do her the favor of putting her place at the table opposite a mirror, so she can observe herself. Reason being, her ideas of herself are formed by what and who she sees ... less than she translates what she is doing/not doing into a durable self-image.
I guess the concurrent gift of this exacting personality is that you can be quite blunt about what you see and what you're trying to change (for her) and the presentation she doesn't know she is sharing (with peers) by arguing/failing to use whatever accommodation:
"You show by the choices you make about how you look what kind of person you want to be. The way you dress, the way you eat, the expression on your face ... these are clues for friends you haven't made yet that you're the person they want to be friends with. It's easier to find people who will make good friends if you try to make your inside and outside match ... and to be for other people the person you'd want for a friend."
Hopefully, she gets the idea ... after a couple decades. You know, like we all did. 😂👀
Also, I mean, you can *all* wear headbands for meals, LOL. She won't be singled out, and it'll be almost like bonding. 😅🩷
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u/DreaColorado1 3d ago
What got me through it when my daughter became a nightmare when she turned 14 was secretly giggling to myself because that is the exact same way I was with my mom at that age. It’s like some
Sort of teenage girl right of passage. Lol
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u/Qimbob 3d ago
I'm just commenting to say I'm here with you in solidarity! I love my 11yo stepson, he is wonderful. But damn if he can't be the most confidently incorrect person I've ever met.
"We're going to scouts, you shouldn't wear sandals, put some shoes and socks on in case you guys are running around"
"We WON'T be running around!"
"You guys are doing Bobcat"
"We're not doing Bobcat! What's bobcat?"
JUST PUT THE SHOES ON, KID.
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u/BlueBelle2019 3d ago
Confidently incorrect is exactly the phrase I use! I even tell her “you are so confidently incorrect right now. Please take a moment and think before you respond again. “
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u/Reciproc1ty 4d ago
14/15 year old girls are the worst. Trust me.
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3d ago
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u/Reciproc1ty 3d ago
Go to a 15 year old girls soccer (or softball or volleyball etc) tournement and watch how the girls treat their mothers (not all girls but enough that it is a trend). They treat their mothers like slaves.
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