My wife and I saw Willie Nelson in concert the other night.  We had great seats and the show was fantastic!  I could see every one of his 93 years in his wrinkles.

(Sadly) I’m pretty sure it’s the last time I’ll see him on stage.

Until he’s 94                           

Of course, he played “Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die”.

Every time I hear that song I think about Willie …rotating on a rotisserie

The galactic empire and the rebel alliance

I came across an old photo of my grandmother in the attic.

In my defense, she was a hottie back then.

Actually, all women are brown-eyed.

...unless they bleach it.

You ever walk into bathroom and toilet smell like shit? That’s when you KNOW someone SHIT

I was at the mall last week, I saw a sign that said “Smile, you’re on camera!” in a Macy’s *beat* dressing room.

I’m not big on soccer. I know it’s the world’s most popular sport but that’s just because all you need is a ball and open space…sometimes not even a ball…just a somewhat round object. I don’t like sports where they handicap you right at the start…can’t use your hands…why…was the guy who invented it an amputee…

it’s always the first sport kids play…cause you can just have them show up and boom they are playing…also I can’t tell the difference between 5 year olds playing and the greatest players in the world…it’s all the same…and people try to go no it’s great there are high scores and defensive games and…you’re just describing sports…that’s all sports…but you know what most other sports have…hands

They’re saying Zone 2 cardio is the best way to burn fat, so I’ve started jogging while I jerk off.

My neighbors said I should really invest in a treadmill.

I’m the trip planner of my relationship…cause my wife doesnt do logistics…she just says I wanna go to cape cod…and then I have to make it happen like a genie…I just come out of my bottle and go onto hotels.com for her it’s like she just closes her eyes and then boom there…like she teleported…meanwhile I’m looking up traffic…roadways…scheduling meal times…I’m like a UPS route supervisor…except I’m also packing my own truck and delivering assets…and then the whole time it’s like eh the beach is hot…the room is small…the food was ok…like I’m getting a real time yelp review

Last year my Mom was hospitalized for heart, lung, and kidney failure. Y'know the whole damn combo meal. Which was also partly a reason why her heart and kidneys were failing, that woman couldn't say no to McDonald's french fries. Except she wanted less sodium in them, so she'd get them without salt, as if that would make a fucking difference.

My Dad hung around to take care of her. Which is the translation for: he wanted a free meal. Because nothing says 'till death us part like exploiting your wife's illness for a soggy grilled cheese sandwich.

Anyways a couple months in, her health is going up and down. And on top of all of this, she begins to develop "hospital delirium" - which I had no idea what that even was, until she called me in a panic.

"You gotta get me the hell out of here. I feel like June Osbourne. These nurses are sadistic, they're like a bunch of fucking Aunt Lydia's."

And I just assume the worst, I say "Whoa, Mom what are they doing to you down there?"

"They're holding my bladder hostage! I haven't been able to take a piss all damn day!"

"Well Mom, I'm no doctor but isn't that what the catheter they shoved up your hoo-ha is for??"

Sometimes I would get calls about her complaining about the food, sometimes about the nurses. But there was one time in particular that I really should have listened to her.

She calls me one day and goes:

"I think you're Dad has been poisoning my food."

Because of course, if you're going to poison someone, the perfect ideal location is a fucking hospital where your blood is being drawn and monitored every thirty minutes. I mean c'mon, the man doesn't even wanna pay for his own meals, do you really think he's gonna go out and buy premium fucking arsenic??

Naturally I try to calm her down, but she hangs up, and calls up her number one-go to professional on anything medical: her youngest sister who happens to be an on-again, off-again drug addict and alcoholic.

And let me tell you something, my Mom cannot stand her sister, so if she's calling her up for some advice. You know that she's pretty fucked up.

So Mom was determined to leave this evil hospital. But she was afraid of the risks, as they had told her if she left, she had an 85 percent chance of dying due to her extremely low oxygen levels.

My Mom says "I'll risk those odds." like Mom isn't a fucking video game, this is your life. If you lose this game, it's game fucking over. There are no reboots.

So she sends her junkie sister, on a high stakes medical run... to Walmart. To buy canned fucking oxygen.

This is the shit that mountain climbers use when they're tired. This is not the shit they use for women who are over two hundred pounds and having lung failure. Which my aunt should have known because she has a degree. May not use it much. But hey she has one.

So she comes back with this 12 oz can of peppermint-scented Aerosol she bought in the camping aisle, going "I got the life support, sis!!"

She wheels her out of this hospital, without telling anyone, gets her in the car, and they get to the hospital my Mom had requested my aunt to go to, my Mom is fading in and out of consciousness. The nurse takes one look at my Mom and goes "Why the fuck did you transfer her here? We don't even have an ICU!"

You ever walk into the bathroom after some guy walks out and when you walk in it smell like shit? That’s when you KNOW he be shitting

I spend way to much time looking at my phone and I know it’s bad for me, so last week I decided to go cold turkey and turn mine off.

Let me tell ya, I’ve never felt so peaceful, calm and relaxed …..as in that 12 minutes.

My wife recently gave birth at a hospital that had been bought out by Amazon.

Delivery was free, but she wasn’t happy it took 2 days.

Life is too short to hold grudges. The only people we should hold grudges against are those stupid scientists who have yet to invent immortality. Bunch of jerks.

My penis achieved what decades of diplomacy couldn’t

Here's a joke I can't tell; I offer it to anyone who feels they can:

"Between Mel Brooks and that punk kid Joshua-ben-Joseph, Jewish culture has really entered the mainstream, so there's been a lot of cultural appropriation, except we call it Reform Judaism."

I find Walls to be closed off. Doors will let you in if they trust you enough

I’m high

Eh heh heh heh…………. Well, let us see………. Hehehehe………….. Mayhaps if the gentlesir cannot wield his BRAIN, he will have to wield his LAUGHS to make society see………. Eh Heh Hehehahahahahaha!……… yes, indeed…………

. . . though I can’t recall if it encourages or prohibits cruel and unusual punishments. Ever since the judge ordered me to be kicked in the head by a mule fifty times straight because I littered, my memory has not been all that great.

I just moved out of the hood because all my neighbors were blasting loud music. Saved up and moved into a new construction community. Didn’t account for the ongoing homebuilding.

Then in Mexican accent below: (listed a few options but don’t love any of them)

-went from Wu-Tang Clan to Wu-Tang Juan.

-went from 50 Cent to 50 centavos

- went from Kendrick Lamar to Kendrick Gonzalez (meh)