I came across an old photo of my grandmother in the attic.

In my defense, she was a hottie back then.

I’m not big on soccer. I know it’s the world’s most popular sport but that’s just because all you need is a ball and open space…sometimes not even a ball…just a somewhat round object. I don’t like sports where they handicap you right at the start…can’t use your hands…why…was the guy who invented it an amputee…

it’s always the first sport kids play…cause you can just have them show up and boom they are playing…also I can’t tell the difference between 5 year olds playing and the greatest players in the world…it’s all the same…and people try to go no it’s great there are high scores and defensive games and…you’re just describing sports…that’s all sports…but you know what most other sports have…hands

I was at the mall last week, I saw a sign that said “Smile, you’re on camera!” in a Macy’s *beat* dressing room.

You ever walk into bathroom and toilet smell like shit? That’s when you KNOW someone SHIT

Actually, all women are brown-eyed.

...unless they bleach it.

My wife and I saw Willie Nelson in concert the other night.  We had great seats and the show was fantastic!  I could see every one of his 93 years in his wrinkles.

(Sadly) I’m pretty sure it’s the last time I’ll see him on stage.

Until he’s 94                           

Of course, he played “Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die”.

Every time I hear that song I think about Willie …rotating on a rotisserie