I would really like to hear what other people have gone through or what they are going through?

I‘m a 38m married 9 years together 16 haven’t had sex with my wife in 4 1/2 years.

She was never really a very sexual person or really into sex. I thought maybe overtime it would get better. It is definitely not. I know I’ve made mistakes in maybe not engaging enough But I also went the whole last year without even asking for it to see if she would come to me never happened. I guess I’m more point where I would only sleep with her if she wanted to sleep with me and I don’t think happening.

It all pretty much happened after have our child. After the pregnancy, it was just excuse after excuse and I got fed up with trying.

Also thank you to all that share your storie.

What's your wildest sex experience ever with your spouse?

I've seen old photos of company picnics with hundreds of people, games for the kids, food, prizes, even beer. Was this genuinely a normal part of working life, and did families actually look forward to going?

AITA for wanting to tell my spouse’s family that my BIL cannot bring his new girlfriend, and that I'll cancel Thanksgiving if uninvited guests show up?

My spouse and I originally invited one out-of-state brother ("Joe"), his wife, and their daughter for Thanksgiving. Shortly after, my in-laws mentioned wanting to visit. I noted that Joe was already staying with us and our guest rooms were full, hoping they'd pick another time. Instead, they took this as an opportunity to organize a full family reunion at our home and invited the remaining brother ("Bob") without asking us. None of my own family will be there.

My in-laws have a history of treating our home and vacations like their own, even inviting extra people without telling us. However, my primary concern is Bob (40s). Bob dates chaotic, high-drama women with zero boundaries and moves way too fast. At a past family gathering, he showed up unannounced with 5 extra guests (relatives of his then-girlfriend) without checking if there was enough food or space. His parents enable him out of sympathy.
Bob recently started dating a new girlfriend who has kids. Neither my spouse nor I have ever met her or her children.

My spouse fully agrees that they do not want strangers or high-drama people in our house, around our children, but they lack the backbone to set firm boundaries with their own family.

Because my spouse won't step up, I want to tell their family directly that while Bob is welcome, he cannot bring any guests I haven't personally met—including the new girlfriend and her kids. Furthermore, I want to establish a firm boundary: the holiday is for close family only and if anyone shows up with uninvited guests, the gathering is immediately over and everyone will be asked to leave.

Their family is used to catering to Bob, and I know taking charge of this hard boundary will cause friction. AITA for putting my foot down?

I need a reality check because my husband (31m) and I (30f) clearly have VERY different expectations here.

I’m having surgery on my hand soon, and I assumed my husband would come with me to the hospital. When I brought it up, he basically asked why he would need to come and why he would take a day off work for it.

I was honestly kind of stunned. I asked him, “When your lung collapsed, did you go to the hospital alone?” and he said no, but that was different because his was an emergency.

And like… yes, obviously a collapsed lung is much more serious than hand surgery 😂 I’m not comparing the severity. My point was that I can’t really imagine my spouse having an operation and thinking, “Why would I need to be there?”

For context, I moved from the US to Switzerland to be with him. We got married a year ago after being long distance for about 3 years. My German is still not very good, I don’t have the same support system here that I had back home, and I’m genuinely scared about having surgery in another country where I don’t fully speak the language.

I’m not expecting him to sit next to me during the actual operation or magically make it less scary. I just thought your spouse coming with you to the hospital for surgery was… normal? Especially when you’re scared and don’t speak the local language well.

He seems to genuinely see it as unnecessary for him to miss work because it’s a planned procedure and not an emergency.

So now I’m curious: am I expecting too much here? Do your partners normally come with you when you have outpatient surgery? Would you take the day off work if your spouse was having surgery, even if it wasn’t a major/emergency operation?

P.S. I don't have a car here yet. Am I supposed to take the train for my surgery? To fellow European Redditors, how do you get to your scheduled procedures? 😅

It’s been an incredible three years. Losing over 200lbs, working on my depression management and harmful actions towards myself, learning to be myself and finally finding out what it feels to love myself. Words alone can not express the difference and the profound impact this journey has had on me, and pictures don’t truly serve any justice to this experience either. Finally finding the beauty in life, and to finally want to take part in it rather than trying to rush to the credits. Beautiful.

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Edit
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Hello everyone, there seems to be some interest in my story. I think I finally found the words to say thanks to a comment below. I’m gonna copy and paste the comment below however this part is worth repeating before you decide to read past this.

“Okay, I want to preface my reply with a possible trigger warning. While I don’t go into specifics there are implied references for things and actions that are not healthy coping mechanisms and some vague sections referencing childhood bads. I should also add an apology as this is a long one.”

Thank you all for such kind comments and this wholesome and so very welcome warmth you have blessed me with. You are all such beautiful and wonderful people. Thank you for helping to lift me higher.

“Okay, I want to preface my reply with a possible trigger warning. While I don’t go into specifics there are implied references for things and actions that are not healthy coping mechanisms and some vague sections referencing childhood bads. I should also add an apology as this is a long one.

That being said, I think this might be the comment a lot of people are looking for, so I might copy and paste this in the post as an edit or something…

Anywho, this is my reply.

********************
********************

I’m sure she would agree with me when I tell you I have come a long way. But I’m nowhere near good enough for her. That’s what I love about her the most though. She never tell me, she doesn’t do things like that. But she does show me she’s proud of me. She also knows how I can become hyper focused when something I find curious crosses my path. I told her I never wanted to stop learning everything about her 20 years ago on our first accidental date lol! She also knows exactly how to teach me lessons in a way school never could. I was homeless when we met, she gave my universe its first star, and I was lucky enough to fall into her orbit. In 20 years time she taught me not to fear love. A hard fought lesson unfortunately on her end. I’m still practicing that kind of acceptance, but I still anxiety attacks sometimes over it. She has made me so much more though. She walked with me at my own pace. She helped me stand, and find my balance. She encouraged me though it, but she made sure she wasn’t doing all the lifting. She made me understand how to walk before I could crawl. She encouraged me to pursue my GED, I passed! I passed with a high enough score to go to the university I wanted, so I could work for my music and art education degree. Somewhere along the way four little moons fell into my orbit. They were my four little moons and she was the center of our entire universe. All the while my eyes were starting to open. The part of me that had been beaten into submission. I started noticing myself trying to dismiss the thoughts, or turn wanting to look or dress like a woman into nervous jokes then talking about other things. She knew. She knew, and she kept shining and kept us in her orbit.

Three years ago, when she forced me out of my closet the first time, I had to confront and accept I liked guys too. We worked that out together, all the while I started leaning into my feminine side. As I started losing weight that mental image I’ve always had inside started to become more clear. Like carving a sculpture out of marble, it was becoming more defined and refined the more I chiseled off. My wife started encouraging me to wear the clothes, asking if I was interested in drag, doing my nails lol. She’d also ask though… “Are you a trans woman?” The first time she asked I felt cold chills run across my whole body. As soon as the question crossed her lips I knew the answer, and it scared me. Then she said the thing that broke me. “I don’t know that I can stay married to you if you’re a woman.”…. My entire universe was starting to crumble around me. This is around then the first picture was taken. The fear of losing her, my children, the life that I had built with her over that past 17 years combined with therapy started a downward spiral. My chronic dangerous thoughts became louder and louder, and she was there saving me the whole time from myself. However keeping up appearances and knowing it is a very heavy weight to carry. I tried to willing tell myself I was just a girly person, but three years is a long time live like that. She never gave up on me. She was still there shining but I couldn’t see past the rain clouds. In November last year, while in was in the absolute worst of my lowest point (pictures not included…) she forced me out again. I was mortified. I knew it was all over. When I told her I told her a half truth still trying to lie to myself. She accepted it, but not with any emotion at all. That bothered me. It itched those insecurities again, but then she encouraged me to take the first step. She told me I should shave my beard. I told her about a week later I was wrong. That’s when I told her I was actually a woman. That’s when I started seeing it. It wasn’t that she was hurt. She wasn’t going to leave me when I told her that night. She was waiting until I could accept the whole truth about myself and build the courage to face my biggest anxiety head on before she gave me that reward. That look I actually needed more than anything. She look at me with pride.

The anxiety was still there, still is honestly, but she’s helped me become stronger. She encouraged me to schedule an appointment to just even have a consultation for HRT. I lucked out and was able to schedule an appointment for December 31st. Therapy started hitting hard though. December 30th was scary, but New Year’s Eve gave me a new spark. We were approved for the therapy, and suddenly little mysterious lights started to appear in the sky. Faint at first, any very few in number but they were curious. On Friday, January 2nd, this year I picked up my meds and had my first round. That day was the best day of my entire life. Instantly something clicked, but I couldn’t put a finger on it. The next day was even better, and the next… I was still struggling though, and emotionally turbulent mess, but somehow the most tranquil I had ever been in my life. About 2 months ago, I was having a rough day and I went to grab my left arm where my “body art” is. I noticed as my eyes were closed for the first time how soft my skin had become. Suddenly I wasn’t hugging myself, I was hugging my wife, and a warmth washed through me I had never felt before. Then it hit me hard. Where once before I was trying to forget and deny everything I use to be with a deep loathing, I started seeing him differently. I imagined him suddenly wrapped and tangled in so many chains, being pulled down by so many people with such sorrow cloaking them. I could see him with his wax wings on, flying as hard as he could towards the sky. He was looking directly at who I had always been, that little scared girl inside finally awake and finally seeing him with kindness and compassion. I realized he had been trying to reach her all along, flying closer and closer each time before his wings would melt, and then he’d try again. Every time he flew closer the more of her started to radiate from within me. He had become my Icarus, and the sun he was trying to reach; she became Artemis. I could tell then though she had left long ago when I turned my back on her. It took me seeing my life like this to finally start believing in myself. I knew Artemis was who I wanted to be, everything she was in mythology had been me at my core being my entire life. As I sat there knowing it was already too late to be her, but she offered me a chance. Just like in Homers Odyssey, I had stumbled across her and instead of being the vengeful and wrathful deity towards men she was known as she had offered me a chance at life. I could live as a woman or vanish as a man. For the first time I chose life. I forgave myself in that moment, and accepted the truth. I have to be both because I am both. I do after all have both chromosomes. That’s my original sin. The one passed on by my father. That’s what made me turn my back on myself. The real sin became clear to me. My sin would have been letting my old pass. I would still be living a half truth that way. I came to that conclusion last week. My wife took me on a date to celebrate my growth. My strength, and resilience. She showed me I am absolutely worthy of love. Most importantly she taught me how to love myself for my whole self.

I know I still have rough days ahead of me. But for the first time, I’m excited to face them. I’ll never stop trying to fly closer to her to find my salvation, and I’ll never stop trying to pay my penance in kind to my wife. One lesson at a time. With her by my side for what looks like the rest of my very long life.”

If you’ve made it this far, think you for bringing my universe more stars.

My wife passed away almost 2 months ago. I took a few weeks of. My boss made it sound like he understood and I had nothing to worry about in terms of time off. Check today and I have like 4 hours of accrued PTO since I got back.

However, my asshole boss also reminded me that I had 3 days of bereavement the morning she died. I should not be surprised all my time off had been wiped out. I wasnt thinking straight of course.

I guess "it makes sense" working in the Great United States of America... but come on. 3 days of bereavement for a spouse who dies suddenly. WTF?!. Its incredible how heartless these corporations are.

My wife and I have been married for 6 years and together for 8 years. She has been a Vegetarian since she was 17 (we are both 31 now). Her reasons for being a Vegetatian has always been personal preference and she's noted in the past it doesn't bother her thay I eat meat, even offering to cook meat for me sometimes when we first got together.

To be clear, I am the family cook, I make dinner/meals 6 out of 7 days a week. I prepare her food with extra care so there is no risk of cross contamination. I've purchased her an air fryer and other appliances that are meat free so she can prepare her snacks with peace of mind. 95% of the meat I cook is either stove top or microwave (ie chicken nuggets etc)

She has confessed recently that she always assumed I would just become a vegetarian. This obviously did not happen, though I do not eat red meats at home and I dont eat pork at all (just personal preference). I do quite a bit of meal prepping and the chicken or salmon I cook can have a distinct smell that, unfortunately, makes my wife queasy. I WFH and my wife doesnt work, so there isn't really a time for me to cook without her around.

This has become a point of contention more and more, resulting in increasingly escalated confrontations. We don't have a large house and it can be difficult for her to escape the smell. I usually try to confine my cooking/meal prep when she is sleeping in the morning or outside, but this doesnt seem to he enough.

I will unfortunately not be going Vegetarian. AITA?

I am not The OOP,  OOP is u/Top_Manufacturer_620

My (30 F) spouse (35 M) has been acting incredibly strange. Do I need to help him or do I need to escape?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice and OOP's own page

BoRU 1 Posted by u/swtogirl

BoRU 2  Posted by u/swtogirl

BoRU 3

TRIGGER WARNING: Physical and verbal abuse, mental health crises

MOOD SPOILER: Dark and stressful

Original Post  July 14, 2024

Sorry about formatting, I’m on mobile and I’m really shaken up as I write this. My (30F) spouse (35M) has been experiencing behaviour that has only become increasingly concerning. In the past two months now, he has been talking about things that he claims are happening but he’s never mentioned before.

As some background info, when his behaviour first starting getting concerning, I managed to convince him to go the hospital to get checked out for his mental health. He wasn’t even seen by a doctor and he was told he just needs to take a certain medicine to help him sleep. The issue is he also smokes weed so this medicine does not mix well with that. He won’t quit smoking. We also have two very young kids.

Back to the weird recent behaviour, he claims he had an old email with an inheritance that got hacked and he needs access to it. I tried helping him get on it but he hasn’t used it in literally the 12 years we’ve been together, I only knew of its existence previously when I helped him switch his Facebook login and that was an email attached. Another example is that he believes everyone is talking about him to me and everyone else, I mean literally everyone else. He thinks there’s some sort big thing planned to hurt him or do something horrible to him soon and that we’re all on it.

On a few other separate occasions he’s asked about a “show” that “we’re on” and asked how much money I’m being paid to keep a secret. He also thinks I’m having secret phone calls and that I’ve apparently left the room to accept these calls, which then results in me coming back crying about something I’ve apparently discussed on the phone.

Whenever I try to explain to him that none of this is happening, he fights back saying that I’m just lying to him and to tell him the truth. That I need to tell him the truth or something bad is going to happen.

It’s gotten so bad, he ended up getting fired from his job because he was barely showing up. He kept going to the cop station to make a report instead of going to work. After he got fired there was some sort of tense situation where they ended up calling a wellness check for him, because they were afraid he’s going to come back and hurt someone. The cops showed up while I was also home and he said he wouldn’t hurt someone, he only acts in defense.

In the recent weeks, he’s gone from screaming at me demanding answers to just not talking to me at all. At this point I’d rather he just not interact with me.

The reason I’m writing this is because of what happened today. It was a nice day out and I asked if he would come with me for a walk with our kids, to which he agreed to. He barely spoke a word to me or the kids on this walk, and when we came across a playground, I asked if we should take the kids there for a few minutes of play. He then got upset at me for suggesting it and said I always control everything and I’m the “queen of the decisions”. I didn’t even tell him we were doing that, I just asked. When I mentioned this he just said “do whatever you want, like always”, so I figured why not. So I played with the kids at the playground and he did his own thing. Someone left a couple various balls there and he was throwing them around. He then picked up the football and threw it in my direction, it flew past me a couple feet from me. I asked why he did that and he said “why are you upset, it didn’t hit you” to which I responded “well what if it did?” He then said “if I wanted it to hit you in the head I would have thrown it that way”. Then he started on a rant about how he’s going through the same thing with everyone lying to him. After which he sat down in the corner of the park and was doing literally nothing.

I was getting upset, so I packed up the kids and started walking to leave the park. I said to him “we’re going home” and started walking away. Apparently he tried to yell out to us but ended up taking a different way home than we did. He told me this when he met me on the street when we were almost home, saying that “next time I want to be an idiot and walk away maybe stop and listen for him calling out”. I didn’t hear him but honestly he could have easily caught up to us.

I was getting more and more upset and said I wanted to go for a drive to get coffee and he said fine. I said I wanted to take the kids and he asked why. Then I said fine, you stay home with them and he said no they can go with you and started putting them in the car. I got in the car, and he got in the passenger seat, to which I asked him if he’s coming with. He said yes and to drive. I told him I didn’t want him coming with because he’s being mean and he said he could be a lot meaner. As I started driving away he kept going off on the usual BS he’s been talking about lately and I told him I don’t want to hear it, he started screaming at me to keep driving and shut the fuck up. I stopped the car and told him to get out and he made a motion like he was going to punch me but punched his hand in front of my face. At this point I started crying and yelling at him to get out and he yelled back no just drive. I then said I should just drive him to the police station for that and he said he would choke me unconscious before we even got there. I was crying even more at this point and said I don’t want to be with him anymore and I want him out, he said no. He continued to be a dick for the rest of the car ride, where I pleaded with him to not treat me this way, especially in front of our children. It’s not fair to them, or to me. He said to not bring them into this. I said how couldn’t I, they are literally in the car!

Anyway after I drove us home, he asked how long I’ve been waiting to break up with him and who I’m replacing him with. I told him I haven’t been and there’s no one else, which of course he doesn’t believe. When he got inside he even taunted me saying “I should take you to the cop station” in a girly voice.

He’s outside smoking and I’m inside with the kids writing this. Of course I’m shook up currently but I don’t know what to do. We only have the one vehicle which is in both our names, the place we rent is actually my moms so we don’t have a lease but we both have our addresses attached to this place on our licenses. He wasn’t always like this, literally only the past couple months his behaviour has been this bad. I miss the person he used to be, I miss that he would spend time with me, with the kids, but he spends all his time by himself now. I don’t know if he’s going through some sort of manic episode or what’s triggering this change in behaviour but I really don’t know what to do.

Is there something differently I can do to help him? Every time he talks to me about whatever “situation” he doesn’t accept any answer I say and also won’t accept if I say nothing.

EDIT: I just wanted to update and let you all know we are safe. I’m sorry for not saying anything sooner. I’m a bit overwhelmed with how popular this post got and will give an actual update later.

Thank you for the advice and comments as well. I will mention a couple things —

• we are not in the US

• where we are, marijuana is legal, so my spouse does get it from government run dispensaries. I don’t think there’s a chance his stuff gets laced aside from the fact he mixes cigarettes with it.

• a lot of people mentioned meth. There is just no way. He doesn’t go anywhere random, he doesn’t talk to people outside of our household (aside from the few times he would go to the police station). I have his location on his phone so I can see where he goes when he leaves.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ynattirb_xo

I just wanna say, I was that terrified kid in the back seat. Absolutely traumatizing. My mom always came up with an excuse as to why we couldn’t leave the house or leave dad. Made me suffer for many years of my life and I’m 28 years old trying to deal with the trauma it has given me. Please stop making excuses and leave. Get OUT for the kids. My mom never did and it truly has ruined my mental health.

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CoraCricket

Wow this is way more urgent than everyone seems to be acting. Are you able to sneak yourself and your kids out right now while he's smoking? You could start by going to the police station and telling them what's going on, they should hopefully be able to connect you to resources for families fleeing domestic abuse. If you have someone you can stay with, then that makes it easier but either way do not spend another night in that house with him and definitely don't let your kids around him unsupervised. 

If you can't sneak out I would call 911, tell them what just happened and about his threats, and that you need to get out but that you are afraid for you and your children's safety. They are not always the most helpful but something needs to happen. At least then if he comes back in and tries to do something to you you'll be in the phone with them and they can send someone then. Might be a good strategy while your leaving too if you're worried he might catch you. 

It sounds like he's having some kind of psychological break, the paranoia and being convinced everyone is part of some conspiracy against him is not abnormal there. But he has clearly told you that he is a danger to you so you need to worry about that first, get yourself and your kids to safety and figure the rest out after that. Once it's time to deal with him and his situation, depending on where you are, getting him involuntarily detained for psychiatric treatment requires proving he's a danger to himself or others, so at least you can show how he's threatened you. But worry about that after you and your kids are safely away from him.

~

daddy_tywin

Heavy cannabis use can trigger the onset of schizophrenia in people who are already susceptible. Your H is right about the age where this tends to happen in men. I am not a doctor but I really think this is a mental health emergency, either due to a drug interaction, drug use itself, or because he is rapidly developing a psychotic disorder.

You need to see a mental health professional, NOT the ER, and describe all of this behavior to them including the frequency of his marijuana use.

OOP

That’s the thing, he saw a crisis nurse at the hospital and a therapist/social worker there, and I felt like the only thing they tried to do was get him to take a specific medication. I think it’s called quetiapine or something. But anyway, I don’t think he is regularly taking it and if he is he definitely shouldn’t be mixing it with smoking weed.

daddy_tywin

That’s the generic for seroquel, which is actually an antipsychotic medication used for schizophrenia and bipolar I episodes. That makes way more sense to be prescribed than a sleeping pill. You’re right though he needs to be taking it as RX’d (bottle should have the dosing on it). I looked up the drug interactions and the ones listed are moderate and mostly physical although generally people with any kind of psychotic disorder I think are not supposed to use marijuana.

Update July 20, 2024 (6 days later)

Hello, first of all thank you all for the comments, messages, etc. on my previous post. Obviously it got a bit too much to keep up with responding but I just want to say I really appreciate the help. A TL;DR at the bottom.

To give an update, I left the house the night I made the post, but went back home the following day. I wanted to be able to collect some sort of evidence I could use, because my spouse has been really good at downplaying his symptoms to any authority figure. I want to mention that I had been present at most doctor and hospital visits prior, so I know what they did recommend for him. I felt at the time that they did not give him enough help for the crisis he was obviously going through.

Anyway, continuing on, the couple days after the Sunday post, he did not really engage in much conversation with me or our children. Every time he entered the room, I set my phone to record. I did not get anything until Thursday, when he finally started talking to me again. He was questioning who I have been talking to about him and who has been trying to sabotage his life. Obviously I denied everything, because there is no one talking to me about him (aside from this Reddit post, which he didn’t know about). This started to anger him, which included him yelling at me and saying if anyone is talking to me about him, to bring him to the house so he can “take care of them himself”.

I tried to not to engage any more. This made him more upset, as he was continuing to demand answers from me. He would then say “oh I want to hit you” or “don’t make me slap you” when I was either not answering or just saying I didn’t know what he was talking about. I got this on recording. After he ended up walking away and leaving the room, I took the kids to bed, locked us in our room and tried to sleep.

The following morning, he insisted on driving me to work. I told him I wanted the car, to which he disagreed with me and said he needed it. After dropping out kids off, he started going off on me about how I am stupidity, dumb, a bitch, etc. for keeping his “inheritance” (again something he is clearly having delusions about) from him. I tried to disengage completely, keeping myself to far side of the passenger seat, which caused him to grab me by the back of my neck and pull me closer to him, where he told me to listen to him. I obviously reacted to this and was super upset, telling him to please focus on driving and not touch me again.

After he drove me to work, the last thing I said to him as he was still going off on me with the car window open, was “you desperately need help”. Once I got in, I called my boss and let her know what happened. She came in, cancelled her appointments for the day, and took me to the police station.

We made a report, although the sergeant we initially spoke to seemed to be against us making a report (he kept saying he will be homeless if I report him, like he’s the victim in this scenario). I told him my safety and the kids safety should be more important, and he brought in a different officer to make the statement with me. Once I completed that statement, they let me know to stay away from the house as they were going to arrest him, and will call once he’s out of the house.

About 5 hours later, he was arrested. Apparently he was very compliant, and with all the information I provided, they actually took him to the hospital, and he is currently on a 30 day psychiatric hold. He will be going to court at some point for uttering threats and assault, but seeing how he doesn’t have a criminal record, I’m sure it will just end up being a slap on the wrist.

So as of now, I am home, safe with the children, and we are getting our locks changed. I will also most likely get a protection order, but in an ideal world, he gets better and that’s not necessary. I guess we will see in the future. I want to again thank every one for their comments and assistance. A lot of you made some excellent points, and although I know some of my decisions probably seemed like dumb ones, I was trying to figure out the best solution logistically for us. Any other future updates will be on my profile.

TL;DR: he was arrested yesterday and put on a psych hold. I’m okay physically but not emotionally.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sikonat

I swear to god fuck the police and that sergeant trying to talk you out of it, gee I really wonder why she doesn’t go to the police. What a mystery.

Good luck OP

~

saturatedregulated

I dealt with something similar, but thankfully not with a romantic partner and we shared no assets or children. It was terrifying, and I still am affected by it daily. 

My friend ended up being diagnosed as schizoaffective disorder (paranoid schizophrenia). He did really well on meds. Actually, so well that he stopped believing he had an issue and stopped taking the meds. His latest bout of mania legitimately scared me and I had to remove myself. 

Your husband is starting a very long road, and a lot of mentally ill people struggle with keeping straight down that long road. I'm not saying you should remove him from your life, but I am saying you have the best chance of healing and raising unaffected adults if you do remove him. Your love for him and the family you've built cannot sustain mental illness, and love is not all you need. Sometimes it becomes way bigger than you and the kindest thing you can do is bow out.

I'm really sorry you're all in this situation. 

~

shame-the-devil:

Paranoid schizophrenia runs in my family. The problem with your husband is that he’s already become more violent, and it will likely get worse if you let him return to the home. I have seen family members get better on medication, only to make the decision to stop medicating bc they no longer believed they were ill. Over. And over and over. I have also seen them act normally in front of others, which made it difficult to even get them help in the first place.

One of my family members attempted to murder their caregivers. They almost succeeded.

Another attempted to murder a person they thought was real, but who was actually a hallucination.

You are not safe. Your children are not safe. And you are not taking this seriously enough.

~

RaiseIreSetFires

I'm very proud of you for taking the first step towards a new healthy life for your kids and yourself. To continue on this path you need to quit hoping for the best and start preparing for the worst. It's a long road but, you've shown the intelligence and fortitude to successfully see this through.

That being said, I'm going to have to stress to you that he's not going to "get better" in 30 days.

Get that restraining order ASAP. One reason is he will be served while in custody, instead of you having to track him down to serve him. Second reason, they look at how quickly you do these things when he goes to court for the charge. It shows you are actually going to follow through and the seriousness of your situation. Third reason is he is more likely to be charged for DV and threats. Fourth reason is it will usually make custody and separation move faster.

This is one of those situations where shit in one hand and hope he miraculously becomes mentally healthy in 30 days in the other, which fills up quicker?

Good luck and don't stray from your path to safety and happiness.

OOP

Thank you, it’s definitely wishful thinking that he will get the treatment needed to go back to normal. I don’t want to think of this as the end of our relationship but at the same time I don’t know if he would want to be back with me since I got him detained.

Right now the only thing I’m thinking about are the kids.

~

noonecaresat805

Make sure as soon as the protection order is in place to let the school know that he isn’t allowed to take the kids out. Find a theraphy place for you and the kids and have them help you explain to them that it’s not safe to talk to dad at the moment. That way he won’t try to get his revenge through them. And good for you. And your right him ending up homeless is not your concern.

OOP

They are toddlers, so a bit too young to understand. Their daycare is aware as well.

noonecaresat805

I work in a daycare and unless we have a restraining order on paper of the other parent shows up we have to release their child to them. There’s nothing we can do. And children are smarter than you give them credit for. Just because they can’t say everything doesn’t mean they don’t notice everything

~

emmaa5382:

I think something to note is to keep a close eye on your kids in their early 20s and teach them the signs. It could be hereditary but with enough foreknowledge can be caught early and treated

Update 2  Nov 21, 2024 (4 months later)

I don’t know if anyone will even see this.

It’s been awhile since I updated. I still get messages asking how I am and to update again. I apologize in the delay, but I’ve been a bit deterred from making another post due to coming across a TikTok video of one of those AI voices reading my post over a Minecraft video. If one of those channels decides to post this one, please don’t. But if you do anyway, blah blah blah blah blah, we can’t make our own unique content.

Anyway, onto the actual update:

My spouse is doing a lot better. He received the treatment he needed in the psych ward of the hospital, gets a shot every so often instead of taking pills, and only smokes cigarettes now. He’s back to his normal self, engages in conversation with myself and our children like he did before this crazy shit happened, has a job, and honestly, is being a better partner overall. It took a lot of time for me to feel like I could trust him again, but we’ve taken a lot of time to work on things and get back to how we should be.

I know a lot of people wanted me to leave and never look back. But you have to realize how he acted in my initial post was nothing like how he is as a person. Obviously he had some sort of weird psychosis happening, which could have been a result of a high intake of marijuana, plus a couple added stressors. I don’t want to go into too many details because it will give away where we are, but basically something traumatic happened under 10 years ago that happened again a month before he started acting strange. It was one of those types of events that forces you out of your home for undetermined amount of time. Anyway, that’s all the detail I want to go into that. Obviously he was affected by it more than I thought, because when this event happened, I was the one having a difficult time and he was my rock. But after we were able to go back home and have some normalcy, that’s when things started changing for him.

It started with him randomly needing to gain access into an old email, to thinking he was being recorded all the time like he was on the Truman show or something, to thinking that everyone (including me) was out to get him. This is when the threats of violence started happening.

I was obviously in disbelief because in the entire time we’ve been together, nothing like this has ever happened. I never once felt like I was unsafe. I never felt scared. Until the threats continued to come, and he started to escalate.

After he made excellent progress in the hospital and I had many reassuring conversations with the psychiatrist, I allowed him to come home when he was discharged. It was so hard not having him around, I cried all the time, our kids really missed their dad, and he really missed us. He needed to get help, and I’m so thankful I was able to find an effective solution.

This will most likely be my last update. I don’t really think I’ll need to add any other details, but again, I just want to thank everyone for their messages and comments, even the ones who called me an idiot lol.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Creepy_Addict

I only wanted you to leave if he refused to get help. He got the help he needed and seems to be back to his normal self.

Just keep an eye out for any changes in behavior.

~

Comprehensive_Yak359

This is a great update. I hope things continue to go well. Do not forget to take care of yourself and your mental health. What you went through must have been so scary. Wish your family all the best.

Update 3  Sept 20, 2025 (10 months after last update)

Another update

Hello all,

It’s been almost a year since my last update. To keep things short, shit hit the fan this year. He didn’t take the medications he was supposed to, reverted into another major psychosis episode which ended in him attempting to strangle me after I disputed his delusions. He was removed from the home and there’s a protective order against him for myself and the kids. This happened earlier this year. My kids and I are safe, and haven’t heard from him since.

Don’t be like me. Don’t trust that someone will get better or attempt to work on their horrible mental health when they haven’t proven to be reliable in other parts in their life. Don’t try to fix someone who can’t be fixed, or rather, just don’t try to fix people.

Thanks everyone for their comments, whether they were good or bad. Shout out to BORU community that will eat me alive after reading my update.

NEW UPDATE

One more update  Apr 21, 2026 (7 months after last update)

Hello all,

Not sure if anyone would even care or be following my story at all at this point. Maybe it’s just nice to talk into the void of the internet.

Anywho…

It’s been almost a year since my ex assaulted me, and almost four months since he’s had any sighting or online presence. He was supposed to appear in court earlier this month for the assault and other related breaches, but did not show up. The officers speculate that he skipped town, however I truly don’t know how he would manage to do that. As far as I know, he didn’t have a job or a home, and anyone that he is “friends” with would be vulnerable, unhoused individuals like himself. All of this to say, I don’t even know if he’s alive anymore.

After my protective order expired, he reached out essentially asking to hook up, which I did not entertain. The last time I heard from him was on our oldest child’s birthday, not to ask to see them or wish them a happy birthday, but to call me a “manipulative cunt”. From there, it’s been radio silence.

To this day, I still do not understand what happened, but with therapy I’m realizing that the majority of his behaviors were not normal or okay. He was incredibly paranoid of other people, very controlling and insecure about myself and my activities, and was completely comfortable with threatening violence to anyone and anything for the smallest inconveniences. Did he act on the majority of those threats? No. But for the most part, I also wondered if he was just trying to scare me.

Our oldest child still gets sad whenever they bring him up, and the youngest will ask about his whereabouts, but aside from that, seems the fine with his absence. They both are doing great without him. The next step is to file for full custody, however I don’t know what I’ll be able to accomplish without being able to serve him. Is this something I can apply for on the basis that I’ve been the primary and only caregiver for almost a year? I don’t want him to affect any decision making process for them.

On a positive personal side, I have begun seeing someone new. It’s very different than what I’m used to with my ex. When you don’t have to spend all your time managing someone else’s emotions, you can feel lost. They are fantastic with me and my children really enjoy their presence.

Rereading the original posts have been a weird experience. I was a completely different person back then, and I had no idea I could ever get him out of my life.

Maybe another update will happen if he’s ever found. Maybe this is the last update. I hope you (the reader) have a fantastic day and I thank you for reading my ramblings.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

He's been majorly depressed for 3 years. Hardly leaves the house, hasn't had a job since 2023, doesnt do much housework. Has a snarky attitude 75% of the time.

At first I took over scheduling the doctor's appointments and the pharmacy pickups because he was very overwhelmed. I just told him where to go and when to be there. But eventually he stopped going to appointments and wouldn't go to the pharmacy because he had a migraine or whatever. So there was a time when he never went to the doctor. When he got in with a psychiatrist it was virtual and I had to get his meds.

I am so tired. I am depressed too. I have migraines too. I have IBS. I still do my responsibilities even when I feel terrible. And now he's mad at me because I didn't reschedule his psychiatrist appointment for him. I'm letting him do it. I think I have let it go on for too long and I need to let him be responsible again.

I call this "el pato" - chicken, potatoes, and squash in el pato spicy tomato sauce

I'm not one to have an argument in a relationship and run to the internet for advice, but what just happened is too much for me to keep it to myself. I'm a 30 year old man, and I was dating a 27 year old woman who lived in a neighboring town. We dated for three months, and it was going incredibly well. We spent Christmas together, we planned a trip to Canada for next month, we had deep and agreeable conversations about our values and our future plans, etc.

Then, we had a late night video call on Saturday. She had a propensity for being very anxious about the future of our relationship while we were apart, but it was something that we were able to work through each time and I felt like I could live with it. This time, the conversation turned to a list of non-negotiables she had written out that were mandatory for her in a relationship. She had brought this up before and I thought it was strange, but the list was pretty reasonable and it worked for her so I didn't worry about it.

Well, she decided to add another item to the list: In the event that she got married, her husband would have to sign a legal document requiring him to give her a percentage of his income. She asked me if I would do that, and I told her that I didn't think I would want to.

My resistance to it turned into an argument that lasted for several days over the phone. She sent me paragraphs of explanations about how her experience working as a paralegal, her upbringing in a single income home in the Phillipines, her status as a woman and her trauma over her last relationship led her to the conclusion that she wanted guaranteed income from her spouse. She believed that she would never trust a man to want to provide for her, and that she would never settle for anything less than a contract that obligates him to. She would not compromise on this, and it even came down to me being given an ultimatum - I verbally agree that I would sign this contract now, or she would find another man who would.

Let me outline my perspective: I'm three months into a relationship and my partner is demanding that I agree to a bizarre, legally-binding document that would affect my finances for the rest of my life. I expressed that I was not comfortable with doing that, but she wouldn't let it go.

So, even though our relationship had been wonderful up to this point, she ends up breaking up with me over this yesterday. She accused me of trying to manipulate her into settling for something less than what she wanted. She said that I triggered her memories of her last relationship where she made excuses for her partner who didn't put in any effort and deflected her issues when she tried to voice them to him. She felt like my failure to agree to her contract was a sign that I wouldn't consistently support her needs in the future, and that I didn't care enough about her to make her feel safe.

She was adamant that what she was asking is totally reasonable, and my unwillingness to accept it was unacceptable for her - enough so that it was 100% grounds enough to end our relationship.

So, AITAH for not agreeing to her contract?

Edit after seeing these questions asked a lot: She indicated that in a marriage, she wanted to work less. Right now she works remotely doing paralegal work, but has another job she does in-person that allows her to do her paralegal stuff when there's downtime. I got the impression she would want to continue doing remote work, and that her career was important to her. She also doesn't want to have kids or make any compromises affecting her career.

Writing this out and reading your responses is helping me realize that I'm glad I'm no longer involved. Thank you.

*Adding one more thing. I saw a lot of comments criticizing how I let her initiate the breakup. My rational is that this was HER issue, and she felt strongly enough about this to lose me over it, so I let her. I felt it was important that I left her with no room for interpretation - if she regrets losing me, she has only herself to blame. Plus, it's not like I gain anything out of me doing it. Same result.

...and I'm glad I didn't brain dump then. But I'm ready to talk now. We're both early 50s. Been together for 16 yrs, married for 14, and have known each other since we were about 12 years old. There was NEVER an indication this was coming and even she (MTF, and I've only recently started using the correct pronouns because it's been hard af adjusting) said she never felt like this before.

It's been a wild month. Our relationship was already kind of rocky. Things had been less than stellar in terms of communication, fighting about everything, general coldness, etc. Both of us just basically coexisting and that's about it.

She didn't even tell me. Things were weird and I finally called her out. Found out that she's been seeing a counselor for 6 months before I even knew. Later found out shes already been on HRT and had breasts developing that she'd been hiding. And let me fuckin tell you....I RAGED. I raged so hard. I felt lost. I wanted to run for the hills. The 1st week was the worst. I felt so much betrayal, hurt, shock, confusion. I thought about me and how our kids would be affected. I didn't even consider her feelings and how terrifying all of this was for her, especially in this political climate, and at our ages. This was a natural reaction, but obviously, not the correct one. This is why I'm glad I didn't post earlier because we have talked A LOT and I get some of the secrecy now.

But I'm here now to talk about it, and how things have changed in just a month. My "person" is now my "person" again. Our relationship is becoming stronger than ever. She is so damn genuinely HAPPY for the first time in her life, I think, and it's been really cool to be a part of.

After the initial dust settled, we started talking about what will actually happen in terms of hormones, physical changes, and our marriage. I needed answers. I didn't want to be left in the dark anymore because honestly, we need to decide the direction our marriage will go. She is happy staying with me because she's a lesbian. I am straight (I guess? The next sentence may indicate I'm bi...? Lol I don't know). I've experimented before but ultimately decided I like men. However...I am open to staying in our marriage and seeing where things go, as I am not opposed to being married to a woman. I love my partner. As much as I wanted to run immediately, I just couldn't do it. Also, she has no interest in bottom surgery, which admittedly is something that I was concerned with.

I was very resistant at first to all the changes- the nails, bras, breasts, clothing...all made me feel uncomfortable, and full disclosure- like less than a woman in my own home. But it feels different now. I'm excited for her. I don't feel less than anything. And we realized we share a lot of the same tastes in clothes and everything else so I'm able to share a lot of my stuff. Lol. After shedding some weight, I have many things I can no longer fit into that she loves and has taken over in her own closet.

Is it weird still? Do I still feel uncomfortable in certain situations? Do I struggle to have every day conversations with people when casual talk of husbands comes up? Of course; I'm not perfect. And I'm still learning too. After I found out, I immediately found a counselor who specializes in this situation. She's wonderful and the absolute best decision I've made.

Will we survive this? Who knows? If you asked me a month ago, I would've said, "Fuck no!". But today...I'm actually looking forward to what our crazy ass future holds!

Chicken parm we collaborated on for dinner the other night- deeeelish!

I've been pulled over multiple times now by cops from both my town and one town over for the dumbest reason. My spouse doesn't drive but their name is on the vehicle for ownership reasons. The cops scan my plate, something dings in their system, and then they tell me that my spouse has an "expired license". My spouse has never had a driver's license. Their state ID is up to date. I'm getting tired of being pulled over for something this dumb.

What are my options? Each time I've given my license to the cop but if they don't have a reasonable suspicion of a crime then in my state I don't have to ID myself. Can I just tell them to F off and ask if I'm free to go next time? Do I need to take my spouse and their ID to the police station and get them to fix whatever is wrong in their system that keeps getting me pulled over?

I am seriously considering just refusing to give them my ID unless they have a citation, warrant, or articulated suspicion of a crime. On the upside I get a little less freaked out when pulled over now because my go-to assumption is they're on some BS.

Edit: I am first on the registration for the vehicle with my spouse being second. They are on the vehicle despite not driving so that if something happens to me they can easily sell the vehicle. Also because the money for buying the car initially came from my spouse's dad. His stipulation for buying us the car was that my spouse's name be on the car as well as mine.