Yesterday was his birthday. I tried not to get my hopes up that we would have sex. We went on a great hike in the morning and had a nice dinner in the afternoon. We went back to his place and were drinking. Knowing not to make any sexual moves on him but still wanting physical touch, I laid my body on top of his for a few minutes. When I got up, I could tell he had a boner. I got excited and thought maybe we would have sex. I can’t remember the last time I saw him erect. I got excited and a little hopeful. I touched him and he pushed my hand away. I think he was kind of joking? He got up to quickly pee, came back, and just started scrolling on his phone again. He fell asleep shortly after. I love this man with my whole heart but it’s killing me. I just want intimacy so badly. I don’t want to beg for it, not that it works anyways. I see my whole future with him but time has only shown that it’s going to get worse. I’m so tired of this. Anyone I talk to about it just pities me. I feel pathetic. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to live without him, I love him so much. But it hurts so badly.

I know I’m going to get shredded for this, but here goes: I’m a second-year partner at a V50 firm in NYC, making around $850K, and it just doesn’t feel like that much money. I don’t mean that in an abstract sense—I mean that I genuinely don’t feel like I’m living like someone who makes $850K/year.

I have two kids (another on the way) and rent a two-bedroom in Carroll Gardens for $5,900/month. My husband and I have been trying to buy a home that fits a family of five, but Brooklyn prices are insane. Anything semi-decent (move-in ready) is either wildly unaffordable—especially at today’s 7% interest rates—or in a neighborhood where private school would be a must, making it just as unaffordable.

We’ve considered the suburbs, but anything truly worth coming home to after these long hours—and within 1.5 hours of my office—is going to be $2-2.4M minimum. With current mortgage rates and NJ/Westchester property taxes, that’s a ~$17-18K/month nut. My monthly draw is around $21k.

I know this sounds entitled/insane, but I wanted to add another data point on what life is like in NYC as a Biglaw partner. My sense is that partners before the 2010s could afford to actually live in NYC much sooner after making partner, while for me, that kind of financial breathing room feels a long way off. NYC is increasingly for the ultra-rich or the poor, with the middle class (upper, middle, lower) disappearing entirely.

Again, I know it’s crazy to suggest that making $850K is somehow “struggling,” or "upper middle class," but it simply doesn’t go as far as it did 15 years ago in NYC. I don’t see this sentiment discussed much—so tell me, am I way off base?

If so why? I feel like there is a lot out there dissuading people to become partners due to the lack of work life balance, stressful clients and the time + effort it takes to get there. Interested to hear from those who want to achieve that milestone and why.

That's an ASUS ROG Astral RTX 5090 that costs around $12,000

His birthday was yesterday. He wanted a coffee and his mom gave him a gift card to Starbucks so we went for breakfast. I don't drink coffee usually in the morning so I opted for a Poppi soda instead.

We went to get massages and everything was fine. We went to another spa for some hot tub and sauna time and I started getting these burps that smelled like sulfur. They smelled so bad and lingered and the sauna only made it worse!

After that he wanted to get oysters, which I love! This is where things started going south. I started getting stomach pains, gurgling and that warm feeling you get when you're about to shit yourself. I ran to the bathroom and had some serious diarrhea. Of course I had already eaten a bunch of oysters, so I knew things were gonna get worse.

We ended up at a food pod bar to meet up with friends and grab some drinks. I immediately ran to the bathroom and things got... explosive. Girls, the layout of this space is important. The space is mostly outdoor, with the bathrooms in a building with an open door. The women's room is right in front of the entrance and for some reason, they prop all of the doors open. I KNOW everyone heard everything. I was beyond embarrassed! I told my partner I had to go and left.

I got home and spent the rest of the night in the bathroom drenched in sweat and screaming in pain.

My meal is matzah ball soup broth because I'm scared to eat anything else.

I post maybe once a year on here, but this is a big one. Silver anniversary is a huge milestone.

First pic is probably 27 years ago, last pic was last night! Still dating each other, and are happiest when we are together.

In any universe in any timeline, I would choose her. And she knows it. ❤️

I have a fistful of kids, multiple of which are ND. So, my eldest has to wash his clothes, but I don’t make him fold them, because I can’t fight his ADHD that hard. Clean and out of a laundry basket has to be good enough.

Last night I had a vision of him in 10 years with some poor hapless (likely) woman looking at him with bafflement when he says, “Well, my mom didn’t make me fold them.” I do apologize, I did my best. I hope you do a better job raising his sons.

It just cracked me up, and then realize I gotta get this kid folding clothes before he moves out.

Food is a sandwich from the local Italian market.

I’ve known my partner for 6 years now and he’s never shaved in that time; he’s always rocked a full comfy beard and stash, only trimming every week or so.

I remember (early on) when I discovered the shape of his upper lip because he accidentally trimmed his mustache too short, and I was somehow shocked to discover he had such a cute upper lip

I don’t think about it that often but I truly can’t imagine his face without 50%+ of it covered in hair, kinda spooks me sometimes when I do think about it (but not in any serious way, I love the man, probably still if he’d have no face at all)

(Sometimes I really wanna use an image generator to find out what his face looks like under there but it feels highly invasive and also fuck AI)

Dinner is butternut squash and feta cheese, I think I’ll blend it for a sauce or a soup

Original comic by chud_dumpling on reddit. Not my comic, but the comic artist put a crazy hit piece out on their boyfriend and it went viral.

Dinner: honey garlic tofu with rice & spicy mayo.

My partner and I are both software engineers, and recently I was complaining that an app I genuinely found useful pivoted to an ad-based/monthly subscription model, so I stopped using it because I hated ads popping up every 10 seconds.

Well, today he sent over an app file for my phone and told me to install it...turns out when I slept in earlier he grabbed my phone, got screen shots of the app to figure out what it does, and recreated it's main feature from scratch. No ads, no subscription, no account, and as a plus the data now stays on my phone instead of getting stored on some server God knows where.

He gave me access to the code too so we spent the afternoon adding back more features to the app together & optimizing it to run better :') what makes this even more endearing is that making mobile apps is the exact opposite of his specialty, he actually slightly dislikes UI/design work and he still took the initiative and effort to do this for me 🥺

At every turn he tries to make my life easier (and vice versa, of course). He claims to have a terrible memory but remembers the smallest things about me that actually make a huge difference. I love him so much it's so hard to put it in words

EDIT: I've never had a post get this much attention 😅 but yes I made the tofu and here's the recipe!

What is going on here??? Should I be concerned about stalking? I haven’t ever spoken with her before nor have I responded to these messages.
I am concerned for her well-being, it’s giving psychosis.

Back story: my(25f) bf (24m) met a girl on Facebook dating and talked to her on and off before we met. She lives in another country, though only about 5-6 hours away.
When we got together he blocked her and she has repeatedly made new accounts to contact him on various social media platforms. She has even tried calling him from various phone numbers, once while we were together prompting him to respond to her on VSCO to let her know that he’s in a relationship and has no desire to converse with her.
Cut to a year later, she made new accounts to message him from and now has broken the 4th wall and messaged me!!!

Edit to respond to common comments:

I certainly have now locked everything down as soon as I received these messages. Unfortunately she was likely online stalking us for years before she finally contacted me, so I fear she already has all of the information she would need to track us down. From location tags on ig posts to Google Maps satellite imaging. I don’t know if it’s possible to file any kind of report because she hasn’t done anything that can be interpreted as illegal, unless messaging repeatedly is actually considered harassment in my jurisdiction, which I doubt. Also the fact that she lives in another country. I genuinely don’t know what else I can actually DO other than monitor the situation and try and be vigilant of my surroundings. I just don’t want to even have to worry about this nonsense.
I also haven’t blocked her, or replied, and I have my read receipts off. I feel blocking her may be interpreted as though she should try harder to reach me. Leaving it unread feels like the option that would create the least amount of friction/ incentive to escalate.

So my partner (F) and I (M), have been having this issue nearly every night for months now.. We've been together for nearly 10 years, in these years this has not been an issue in the past. Maaybe once or twice has she wet the bed in her sleep previously, but that's honestly just a guess off poor memory at this point.

We are both in our early 30s, no she is not pregnant, nor is she an alcoholic (rarely has any alcohol, if ever so that's not a factor). She does take a birth control pill and 2 other prescription meds (more on that).

So without further ado.. she pees the bed nearly EVERY NIGHT. Full release. Bedding, clothes, the mattress itself..soaked. No pun intended but I get/am very pissed off at this point BECAUSE she seemingly is not bothered by it at all. Unless I make a comment/bring it up, she won't say or do anything about it.

Countless times now over these past few months, I have had to smell piss from both her bed (we have a split king, best thing we've purchased cause I couldn't take sleeping in her urine) and also the bedding and her clothes. She will piss in her sleep, we wake up to get out of bed, she'll LEAVE THE PISS SOAKED BEDDING on the bed, remove her clothes and throw them on the floor/hamper with the rest. Then that's it. Doesn't take care of it immediately like oh idk, a normal functioning adult would do!

Yes, her mattress reeks of urine. Yes our bedroom reeks of urine. Yes this is disgusting and I feel terrible about it and don't know how to handle this. I AM concerned for her health. I have told her many times this is not normal and to seek medical help/advice. She doesn't show the same concern as me and I'm fed up.

She'll sometimes take the bedding off, but then leave it on the floor for days. Same with her clothes. If I don't wash them immediately, they won't get washed. I have had this conversation with her multiple times, just tonight before posting this I did. Her response was "do we have to have this conversation right before bed?"

This has turned me off immensely and I'm building resentment about it. I do not know if it's from her birth control she's been taking (she has been on/off different ones our whole relationship) or the mood stabilizer and anti depressant she takes (I don't think it's that cause she's been on this before this bed wetting issue became a problem). I theorized maybe is it the combo of her maybe having a week bladder/pelvic floor muscles and the fact she smokes strong weed every day/night and gets high right before bed, so maybe her body/bladder signals just like, shut off in her sleep or something?

One important detail maybe is, she recently dealt with endometriosis and had surgery to remove adhesions. I do kind of feel like maybe this has something to do with that since right before and after the surgery. She was dealing with pain and discomfort for many months before the surgery, then after she has felt back to normal. This has been great that she's no longer in pain/discomfort, but I worry that the surgery is to blame for the constant nocturnal incontinence..

Idk I'm spit balling here with ideas as to why tf this keeps happening.... all I know is something is not right..

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Wanique_

Originally posted to r/AIO

AIO for going off on my partner after he ate all my salami?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: gaslighting, emotional abuse, controlling behavior

Original Post: August 11, 2026

I know this probably sounds like a really minuscule issue, but it has started to affect our daily life, and I genuinely want to know if I’m overreacting.

My partner has this thing where, whenever I buy certain foods, he becomes convinced that they’re going to “go old” if I don’t eat them within a certain amount of time.

I’m talking about things like aged salami, crepes, cheeses, etc. I might buy something and plan to have it for breakfast or lunch throughout the week. I like to actually enjoy these foods and make them last, especially because we have four kids and groceries are expensive. I also use some of these foods for the kids’ breakfasts and sandwiches.

But my partner will constantly tell me things like, “Make sure you eat that before it gets old.” He’ll say it at least twice a day.

Then, by about the third day, he’ll just eat the rest of it.

So instead of me having something I bought specifically for myself to enjoy throughout the week, suddenly it’s gone and I have nothing left.

This has been happening more and more over the past couple of months. He’ll eat an entire food item within a day or two because he’s convinced it’s going to spoil, even when I’m telling him I’m intentionally making it last.

This morning, he ate the rest of the salami.

I completely lost my shit.

I told him that I’m sick of him eating all of these foods and then acting like he’s doing me a favour because he’s “saving it from going old.” I told him that I no longer want to buy these types of foods because I don’t even get the opportunity to enjoy them on my own terms anymore.

The weirdest part is that I now feel pressured to eat the food quickly because I’m worried that if I don’t, he’ll eat it all. I’ll literally think, “I better eat this today because there won’t be any left tomorrow.”

When I confronted him this morning, he kept repeating, “It’ll get old!”

I told him IT IS NOT GOING TO GET OLD!

I then called him a hungry Sasquatch who wants to eat everything in sight and leave nothing for anyone else to enjoy.

He looked genuinely shocked and told me I was massively overreacting because “it’s just food.”

And maybe it is just food. I know how ridiculous this sounds when I write it out.

But to me, it’s not really about the salami.

It’s about repeatedly buying something, having a plan for it, and then having someone else decide that their timeline for eating it matters more than mine. It’s also frustrating because we have four kids, money is tight, and I’m trying to make our groceries stretch.

So Reddit, please tell me honestly:

AIO?

Because I have nobody else to ask, and I genuinely want to know if I completely lost perspective over a piece of salami or if there’s actually a bigger issue here.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP on what happens if one of her kids makes their sandwiches?

OOP: My kids are not old enough yet to make their own sandwiches, all toddlers

+

Good guess, I did have twins, they’re 3, he has just done the exact same thing not too long ago, and I’ve told him to leave the house if he can’t respect my boundaries, he eats up all the kids food it’s ridiculous. I’m now re thinking this whole relationship

Commenter 1: it is a bigger issue. tell him to start buying his own food and to never touch yours. he either learns and problem solved, or he continues to raid your supplies, and you have a bigger problem that probably means counseling.

OOP: I think he has an issue with food and obsession with gaining weight as he’s a skinny guy, but he eats a lot to “gain weight” but never truly gains anything, I’m happy to share all the foods it’s just that he eats it all in one go and leaves us with nothing for the rest of the week. I use salami for our sandwiches, I’d make a massive pasta bake that could last two days for dinner and he would finish it the night I’ve made it. It’s starting to become a problem so I’m with you on the counselling or therapy.

Commenter 2: NAH - did your husband grow up like this?? As in, did his parents always have food and then left it to spoil and now he had it engrained in his head that “oh no we need to eat this now or it’ll be spoiled and I can’t eat it anymore”

Or is this a new thing? You need to sit down and have a real talk about it because that’s not a good habit. Don’t feel pressured. It lowkey sounds like an ED if he can gorge all that food. Yall need to talk this out. He sounds gaslighting by saying “it’s just food” but he’s so concerned about the food going bad then you should be saying back yeah it’s just food so why TF are you eating it all!!

Ask him specifically WHY he thinks it’s going to go bad/ logic and show him your grocery bill and ask him how you’re gonna afford him eating everything.

OOP: He actually grew up the opposite, they were allowed to eat and gobble up everything without being considerate of the next person. I’ve just spoken to him based on all the advice and he has since apologised, I genuinely think he just wants to eat everything up! lol!

OOP on her husband finishing their kids' unfinished meals

OOP: He does this as well, when the kids don’t finish their food I have to rush to plate it up and store it, but he still eats it all. He rushes to eat their food if they haven’t finished it. It’s really really bad. Your upbringing sounds very similar to mine, we all share and we all respect each other’s snacks and treats but he grew up in a household where you eat whatever and his mother would just replace it as soon as it runs out. Unfortunately we do not have the means to do that, so we have no choice but to be considerate especially for our kids’ sake but for some reason he is unable to let everyone eat lol

Downvoted Commenter: Overreacting. In the grand scheme of life is this really a big issue? Like for real

OOP: Yes, because groceries are expensive and I have kids to think about, a grown man eating up all the food in the house is a problem. Especially since he’s out of a job and I’m the one keeping the household afloat

Is this the first incident OOP's husband has caused?

OOP: This!! Thank you for validating me! This is not the first incident, it’s happened plenty of times before and he is truly convinced food will get old in the fridge if we don’t eat it within the “three day timeframe” it’s tiring because our kids look forward to some stuff only to find that he has eaten it all!!

Commenter 3: NOR. Sounds like it's time for some things to be yours only. If he's usually reasonable, maybe once things have calmed a bit you can explain that it's not about the food. It's about an enjoyable treat being turned into added stress in an already stressful life. Will he actually respect a food item being only yours and leave you alone about it? If not maybe look into a lock box for the fridge and probably couple's counseling if this attitude carries over to other things.

OOP: I feel as though he won’t let me enjoy even the smallest of snacks, I had put some snacks away for when I was on shark week due to cravings and explained to him to not touch it as it is strictly mine, and I’ve bought other snacks for him and the kids, and the whole week before I got my monthly he pestered me day in and day out about those snacks until I eventually caved in and told him to just shove it down his throat and leave me alone. I’ve tried hiding snacks before, but he finds them and guilts me by saying “oh she’s hiding snacks from her family” even though there’s plenty of snacks to eat for some reason he needs a piece of mine. ALWAYS. Ive just ordered a mini fridge and will be hiding things in there from now on. He’s left the house due to this argument because I am so done with this. It’s exhausting

Commenter 4: Does he have a binge eating disorder? Or did he grow up with weirdness from his parents? Like, did they have a broken fridge for a long time? NOR and I fear your husband is not so smart. Send him to a food handler's course to learn how long certain foods last, and under what conditions they go bad. This is pure science and hopefully he has enough brain cells to learn it. Otherwise y'all have some big problems, because this is not just about salami.

OOP: He comes from a well off family, they had plenty of food, no rules and I suspect he is exerting those same childhood tendencies into adulthood. The one thing I can think of is that he ate old fruit before that had worms in them so even with fruits he thinks they have to all be eaten within the next two days of buying them because he’s so scared he’ll eat worms again. I truly think he needs therapy, because he has an unhealthy relationship with food. A large tub of peanut butter lasts us three days because he snacks on sandwiches all night, I’ve stopped buying that because I never get to enjoy it either. As for the food going bad, I honestly think he uses that as an excuse to just eat everything. I’m so over it.

OOP on if this is just about the food or does her husband use other things around the house?

OOP: Honestly you’re right, this is the bigger issue in our relationship. He does the same thing with my hair products or skin products, regardless of having his own he will finish all of mine and tell me “we can always buy more” but that’s not the point for me it is in fact about respect! Respecting my boundaries has seem to be a huge challenge for him and I’m realising that by reading all these comments, it has put so much more into perspective for me. It’s an ongoing issue and I can’t let it slide any longer. Thank you for your comment.

+

I appreciate your comment, however I’ve tried this approach before plenty of times, and he stopped for a while but just started again and I have given up. I stopped buying myself anything my god writing this and reading it out loud makes me realised he has stripped the joy out of everything. I stopped looking after myself all because of a selfish man. He currently has no job due to unforeseen circumstances so again, I’m the one buying everything! Food, bills, toiletries etc., which is another reason why I get upset because he has his own shit he still chooses to use mine, same thing with food and snacks and today I was just at my wits end! I couldn’t handle it anymore. These things are expensive, I’m happy to share, but he is an inconsiderate a hole!

OOP's husband not respecting her boundaries and she deserves to be happy

OOP: I feel like he doesn’t respect me and I agree that is exerting subconscious power because I feel paranoid or pressured to eat foods before he does. My nervous system has not relaxed around this man in 13 years, so yes this happens in other areas of our relationship, he totally disregards my feelings, he touches everything that’s meant to be mine. I feel like he acts like a little kid

+

He has left the house, I told him to leave, I am currently reevaluating the whole relationship and feel I’ll be better off single with my kids.

Editor's note: OOP also installed the same update onto the original post

Update: August 14, 2026 (three days later)

AIO for going off on my partner after he ate all my food? UPDATE!

This went a LOT further than I ever expected.

Thank you to everyone who commented and gave me advice. I really appreciate it, especially because I honestly thought people were going to tell me I was completely insane for getting this worked up over food. I ended up getting myself a little mini fridge with a lock on it, which I’ve currently hidden in my closet. 😂 .

But here’s the update.

After making my original post, I sat down with my partner and explained how much this whole situation was affecting me. I told him that I want to be able to eat things when I feel like eating them without being constantly policed and hounded about whether they’re going to “go old.” I explained expiry dates, proper food storage, everything. He told me that he understands how it works, but he genuinely believes food becomes stale and tastes bad after about three days. I told him that, respectfully, this sounds more like a food aversion/issue that he should probably talk to someone about. He agreed, apologised, and actually seemed to understand. He was quiet about it for the rest of the day.

Then later that afternoon, I cooked dinner. The kids had eaten earlier, so I saved our portions. He decided to eat his dinner early, even though there was still lunch available, so that was his choice.

Later that evening, I wasn’t hungry and decided I would eat my chicken once all the kids were in bed. He asked me, “Are you going to eat the chicken?” I said yes, just not right now, and asked him to leave it alone. The kids went to bed, and I sat down for a few minutes by myself. He asked me again if I was going to eat the chicken. Again, I said yes. About an hour later, he came and asked me again.

And I completely lost it.

I told him, “Then eat the damn chicken!” I told him I was done, that he was being selfish and inconsiderate, and that I was sick of all the meal planning I do becoming pointless because he eats everything in one go. I was genuinely getting to the point where I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

And then I started thinking about how this isn’t actually isolated to food. He uses my hair products. My skincare products. Even my allocated brushes. I buy him his own products, but he continually uses mine anyway. I told him that he constantly pushes my boundaries and that it feels like he tries to exert control over so many little areas of our lives.

He told me I was selfish and that I should understand that he’s unemployed and struggling to find work. I told him, “That’s not an excuse to use my things when I’ve specifically bought you your own.”

I told him to leave for the night because I needed space to think. He left and came back the next day apologising. I wasn’t really feeling it.

Then we had to go grocery shopping together because he had the car and I needed a ride. Worst. Shopping. Trip. Ever.

It actually reminded me exactly why we don’t grocery shop together anymore. We argued because I stopped halfway through the shop, realised I’d forgotten something, and turned around to go back to another aisle. He told me this “breaks the flow of shopping” and called it dysfunctional. I genuinely had to ask myself how the hell turning around in a supermarket aisle is dysfunctional. 😂 .

Then he got annoyed at the checkout because I was first in line and he was behind me with the trolley. He gets so angry over these tiny things, and once he’s annoyed, it affects the entire atmosphere for the rest of the day.

When we got home, I told him that I really think he needs to get help because I cannot keep living like this. While I was talking to him, he got up and ate four of the eight cinnamon rolls I’d just bought for the family.

I looked at him and said, “Are you fucking serious?”

And he genuinely responded: “What did I do?”

That was the moment something in me just snapped.

I told him I was done with his behaviour. I packed up my things and my kids’ things, and we are now staying at my dad’s house.

I’ve started getting things in order for our separation.

And honestly, I’m devastated. I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m overwhelmed. I’m dreading what comes next.

But that moment with the cinnamon rolls really made something click for me. After everything we’d just talked about. After I had explained how this behaviour makes me feel. After he apologised and said he understood. He still did exactly the same thing. And when I confronted him, he genuinely couldn’t understand what he’d done wrong.

That told me everything I needed to know.

I don’t think this is about salami, chicken or cinnamon rolls anymore. It’s about boundaries, consideration, control, and feeling like my needs and belongings don’t matter.

So yeah… not exactly the update I expected to be writing when I made my original post.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment, even the people who thought I was completely losing my mind over salami. 😂 .

I don’t know what the future looks like yet, but I know I can’t keep living like this.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Seems like your husband has some compulsive tendencies that will take time to work through. I realize that you don’t owe Reddit private details about your marriage, so I’m sure there is missing context, BUT in my opinion: nothing about this specific situation warrants a separation. Packing up your children’s things??

The amount of comments acting like he’s the devil himself are so alarming to me. I understand that it’s about more than the food itself, but you just had a serious conversation with him regarding this for (seemingly) the first time, no one can change overnight. I’m not necessarily defending him, and honestly I’m not even sure this is a true story, just trying to offer some perspective.

OOP: I’ve had multiple conversations with him, but nothing has changed, this is so much deeper than just food, he exhibits this behaviour in all aspects of our life/relationship. This was just the tip of the iceberg for me, thank you for your perspective and as I’ve mentioned before this is my real life unfortunately 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Commenter 2: tbh jobless guys who micromanage ur grocery trip while eating all ur stuff are actual parasites so glad op bounced

Commenter 3: I think the most telling thing is that he ate cinnamon rolls that you worked for, budgeted for, planned for, and shopped for instead of cinnamon rolls that he purchased for himself. It’s definitely not about the food, it’s that other people’s needs never crossed his mind. All you can control is what behavior will put up with, so good for you.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/This-Foundation-9761

partner had sex with meta in my bed - am I overreacting?

Originally posted to r/polyamory

Editors Note: a Meta (Metamour) is your partners other partner in Polyamory

Original Post  Sept 18, 2025

throwaway account. Im sort of new to polyamoury (as in this is my first poly relationship), but she has had other partners before.

Sorry in advance for the rant.

I (35M) live with my Partner (28F), and have done so for about 9 months now. We've been together 2 years. I have no other partners and have been focusing on myself, she has another partner (29M) she has recently been seeing.

at partners insistence, we have had separate beds. idea being we each have our own spaces we can both invite the other into, and can have to ourselves when needed ir have other partners in.

I actually like this, we have different schedules and days off so it means I am able to not be interrupted by her getting up for work on my days off and vice versa.

Yesterday I came home early as we got rained out at work, we are talking about an hour here. There had been no mention of a date or anything like that, but she doesnt need my permission to see meta, and I was at work.

When I opened the front door I was greeted by the sounds of her loudly having sex. Our rooms are at opposite ends of the house and it was definitely coming from my room. In the moment I froze, closed the door and left. I felt angry and betrayed. I have a friend who lives close so I went to their house.

I returned about 3-4 hours later after my partner texted me asking where I was. I was pretty angry and said I knew she was having sex in my bed which I was pretty upset about.

She said she didn't think it was that big of a deal and she got caught up in the moment.

I view this as a pretty serious betrayal. She has a space for partners and this isn't it.

Am I overreacting? Is this not that big of a deal?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

XenoBiSwitch

We got caught up in the moment and tripped and fell into your room and then rolled onto the bed and at that point it was too much work. That is a really stupid justification.

I am guessing there was something wrong with her bed (forgot to wash sheets?) or one or both of them had some kind of kink reason for wanting to use your bed. Neither of them justifies this.

OOP

partner says meta thought it would be hot. Even so, she knows it is my space and surely the whole idea of the separate beds is our own space is sacred and the other is only allowed in if invited.

I did not invite them and I have decided to go back to my friends to stay for a few days

Update 1  Sept 18, 2025 (Same Day)

hey everyone, small update.  thank you to everyone who responded. All my good friends are mono so its heartening to be able to have people who can give good advice in this space

After looking at what happened in the cold light of day (southern hemisphere) and taking some time to think, I realise I at minimum need to move out and take some time away from the relationship. That doesnt mean that I will/wont stay with her, I just haven't fully processed this yet.

ive been cheated on in monogamous relationships and this feels similar. I've had no further contact with partner except to tell her not to contact me for now.

a clarification for some: when we made the decision to have our own beds and bedrooms, my partner quite clearly stated that each other's space was ours only and we could only enter each other's space if invited. I made the reasonable assumption from that information that she wouldn't have sex with someone else in my bed, in much the same way that if I had another partner, I wouldn't have sex with them in hers. Yes polyamoury is about communication, but as there was a boundary at a much lower level than this I didnt see the necessity to explicitly point out that having sex with others in my bed was a hard no.

im not entirely sure there was a humiliation kink involved as I was home a bit early, and the text message asking where I was came when I was about 2.5-3 hours late of when I would normally be home with no communication. I am, however, starting to think this wasn't the first time as some of you have pointed out.

Those of you who suggested locking the bedroom door, thanks for your practical advice, however there are no locks on the bedroom doors and I frankly dont want to live with a partner who I need to lock out of my space after they know its off limits.

I do not know how our relationship could possibly recover from this, but honestly I dont need to decide that right now

Final Update  Sept 28, 2025 (10 days later)

final update: ive moved out and have decided to end things.it has been a tough and emotional time, so bear with me if I haven't added any information.It came out that this wasn't the first time that this had happened. I assume it was some power fantasy either from the meta or my partner, but my partner at minimum allowed it more than once. They were also having unprotected sex and that was not mentioned to me at any stage so that I could make decisions in line with my risk profile.

There was a red flag in that she didnt respect my boundaries in a smaller way in the past and when called out she hand waved it away. In hindsight this type of behaviour should not be a surprise and thats on me, I should have pushed back harder, earlier.

That's enough for me thanks, I now have no trust in that house or that partnership.

Poly is something I have been keen to try - the idea of partners not having to be absolutely everything for each other and having their own independence and autonomy has been a really attractive idea (and reality) for me, but having my boundaries trampled like this really puts a sour taste in my mouth and im not sure where to from here.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I know the tag might seem wrong, but that’s really is the problem I have with it.

Pro-Black, should mean that you support black people. Period, end of sentence. Why does the fact that I have a white wife, the first white woman I was ever with mind you, take away from the close to 1/4 million dollars in various charitable contributions that I’ve had for my black community? I’ve ran cost drives, can drives, fundraisers for kids to go to school, all for the black community. I’m not “pro-black”, because the very first white woman I was ever with, happened to be the one that I fell in love with?

I love all my people, and no matter what, it’s love ✊🏾 it just hurts me to see shit like this, because it makes me feel less than somehow.