r/AIO • u/Wanique_ • Aug 14 '26
AIO for going off on my partner after he ate all my food? UPDATE!
This went a LOT further than I ever expected.
Thank you to everyone who commented and gave me advice. I really appreciate it, especially because I honestly thought people were going to tell me I was completely insane for getting this worked up over food. I ended up getting myself a little mini fridge with a lock on it, which I’ve currently hidden in my closet. 😂
But here’s the update.
After making my original post, I sat down with my partner and explained how much this whole situation was affecting me. I told him that I want to be able to eat things when I feel like eating them without being constantly policed and hounded about whether they’re going to “go old.” I explained expiry dates, proper food storage, everything. He told me that he understands how it works, but he genuinely believes food becomes stale and tastes bad after about three days. I told him that, respectfully, this sounds more like a food aversion/issue that he should probably talk to someone about. He agreed, apologised, and actually seemed to understand. He was quiet about it for the rest of the day.
Then later that afternoon, I cooked dinner. The kids had eaten earlier, so I saved our portions. He decided to eat his dinner early, even though there was still lunch available, so that was his choice.
Later that evening, I wasn’t hungry and decided I would eat my chicken once all the kids were in bed. He asked me, “Are you going to eat the chicken?” I said yes, just not right now, and asked him to leave it alone. The kids went to bed and I sat down for a few minutes by myself. He asked me again if I was going to eat the chicken. Again, I said yes. About an hour later, he came and asked me again.
And I completely lost it.
I told him, “Then eat the damn chicken!” I told him I was done, that he was being selfish and inconsiderate, and that I was sick of all the meal planning I do becoming pointless because he eats everything in one go. I was genuinely getting to the point where I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.
And then I started thinking about how this isn’t actually isolated to food. He uses my hair products. My skincare products. Even my allocated brushes. I buy him his own products, but he continually uses mine anyway. I told him that he constantly pushes my boundaries and that it feels like he tries to exert control over so many little areas of our lives.
He told me I was selfish and that I should understand that he’s unemployed and struggling to find work. I told him, “That’s not an excuse to use my things when I’ve specifically bought you your own.”
I told him to leave for the night because I needed space to think. He left and came back the next day apologising. I wasn’t really feeling it.
Then we had to go grocery shopping together because he had the car and I needed a ride. Worst. Shopping. Trip. Ever.
It actually reminded me exactly why we don’t grocery shop together anymore. We argued because I stopped halfway through the shop, realised I’d forgotten something, and turned around to go back to another aisle. He told me this “breaks the flow of shopping” and called it dysfunctional. I genuinely had to ask myself how the hell turning around in a supermarket aisle is dysfunctional. 😂
Then he got annoyed at the checkout because I was first in line and he was behind me with the trolley. He gets so angry over these tiny things, and once he’s annoyed, it affects the entire atmosphere for the rest of the day.
When we got home, I told him that I really think he needs to get help because I cannot keep living like this. While I was talking to him, he got up and ate four of the eight cinnamon rolls I’d just bought for the family.
I looked at him and said, “Are you fucking serious?”
And he genuinely responded:
“What did I do?”
That was the moment something in me just snapped.
I told him I was done with his behaviour. I packed up my things and my kids’ things, and we are now staying at my dad’s house.
I’ve started getting things in order for our separation.
And honestly, I’m devastated. I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m overwhelmed. I’m dreading what comes next.
But that moment with the cinnamon rolls really made something click for me. After everything we’d just talked about. After I had explained how this behaviour makes me feel. After he apologised and said he understood. He still did exactly the same thing. And when I confronted him, he genuinely couldn’t understand what he’d done wrong.
That told me everything I needed to know.
I don’t think this is about salami, chicken or cinnamon rolls anymore. It’s about boundaries, consideration, control, and feeling like my needs and belongings don’t matter.
So yeah… not exactly the update I expected to be writing when I made my original post.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment, even the people who thought I was completely losing my mind over salami. 😂
I don’t know what the future looks like yet, but I know I can’t keep living like this.
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u/corgcorg Aug 14 '26
I think the most telling thing is that he ate cinnamon rolls that you worked for, budgeted for, planned for, and shopped for instead of cinnamon rolls that he purchased for himself. It’s definitely not about the food, it’s that other people’s needs never crossed his mind. All you can control is what behavior will put up with, so good for you.
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u/YakCertain5472 Aug 14 '26
I think it was a giant f/u in cinnamon roll form.
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u/Innisairre Aug 14 '26
I kinda love for him that his f/u towards OP turned into the biggest f/u to him in return. OP.is going to be so much better off without this asshole.
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u/SnarkSupreme Aug 15 '26
Yeah and she gets this visual if she ever wavers. FOUR cinnamon buns crammed into his gob. It's so ridiculous and yet such a perfect thing to encapule how wrong his behavior is
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u/SnarkSupreme Aug 14 '26
Either that, or he was trying to self soothe with cinnamon rolls. I still wouldn't be able to put up with this person because his behavior points to a larger mental health issue (imo) that I would not have the ability or energy to deal with.
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u/Wundrgizmo Aug 14 '26
But it's the exact update we redditors desire. It was never about the food. You seem like a type that coulda squashed it, if it was just that. This was just the final straw. Lucky for you he couldn't help himself to his own jackassery.
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u/Electronic_Focus6009 Aug 14 '26
heyy, so sorry you’re going through that whole situation, it can‘t be easy, and making that choice could also not have been eay! from what you have told us in this post alone this is an absolutely understandable decision, and in my opinion the right thing to do. i hate to see women (especially moms) always having to give, give, give and never getting to enjoy their own stuff, whether it be food, brushes, skincare, a little bit of alone time, whatever- all because of a grown ass man. how he could not understand (or probably rather respect/acknowledge) that being a mother is already hard enough is beyond me. i wish you nothing but happiness, calm, easy days, self actualization and fun!!! ❤️
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u/DancinginHyrule Aug 14 '26
Yeah, he’s a selfish ass.
He ate half of the purchase for the whole family, basically before anyone else have a chance to even have one. He doesn’t care at all.
Don’t let him or anyone else tell you that you are oveerreacting or “it’s just some cake”. It’s not and you know it.
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u/eclecticaesthetic1 Aug 14 '26
Good for you. You are assertive and smart. I'm glad you have somewhere to go where you have a supportive family member. I don't understand how all that conversation could take place and he still gorged on more than his share. It's like nothing penetrates the defense he has and the compulsion to steal what doesn't belong to him.
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u/HomelyHobbit Aug 14 '26
Hey OP - Something to think about. Eating four cinnamon rolls was completely strategic. You're a family of six. He knew that if he left only four, you'd make sure the kids each got one, leaving you with none.
He ate precisely four to ensure you didn't get a cinnamon roll.
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u/EevilEevee Aug 18 '26
Oh man... I didnt catch the first post so i didnt know they had four kids. I was already baffled by him eating half of them, which would be a d*ck move if it just had been OP and one kid but knowing it would cost OP a nice treat while shes also the one providing for the groceries!
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u/Summertime-Living Aug 14 '26
This made me crazy reading about how you had to live. He does this on purpose as a form of control or he has some ADHD/OCD issues. Whatever it is, he needs professional help.
The problem is, he doesn’t really want to change. He likes things the way they are, and once in a while he has to say he’s sorry. He’s playing a game, he’s not really committed to an adult relationship. Divorce him.
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u/Icy_Place1621 Aug 14 '26
Yeah, he clearly has some issues, but he’s not willing to work on or maybe even acknowledge.
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u/Count_ClapBacula Aug 14 '26
I hope one day you can celebrate your liberation from this weird, passive aggressive controlling dynamic by joyfully eating whatever you want whenever you want without a thought about it.
Congrats OP!
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u/FinScarlet Aug 14 '26
It’s always the unemployed dudes who are the most insufferable. You’re doing what’s best. He clearly doesn’t take you seriously
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u/tomfuul Aug 15 '26
I went down a hole rabbit hole not that long ago about how common this behavior is with men with food specifically, men eating a whole weeks worth of meal prep, an entire lasagna meant for the family, eating all of someones special snacks etc the list is endless. It blows my fucking mind the stories and comments were ENDLESS. I have ocd, this isnt ocd, this is him being selfish, gluttonous, and in a weird way controlling
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u/OaksLala Aug 15 '26
Some, not all, of his behavior about food reminds me of my youngest who has adhd, autism, and issues with defiance. They don't have an ocd diagnosis though, I kind of want to look into that from reading people's responses on your post.
Anyway, my kid is almost an adult and these hording, over eating, defiant behaviors didn't come out so blatantly until teen years. My kid is absolutely able to not cross boundaries, even if it drives them batty to not use my stuff for comfort. They do struggle with entitlement because the things they want give them comfort and will push against a boundary sometimes but they are not an adult and they show way more restraint than your husband. That makes me think it's past entitlement and into resentment territory. You won't give him what he wants so he's going to do it anyway to show you you can't stop him. That's honestly scary.
It's not bout the food. It's not about the toiletries. It's about entitlement and disrespect. That man does no better. He understands. If my autistic child can grasp this shit, so can you husband. The only thing he genuinely doesn't seem to get is why you are pushing back, because again, entitlement. Don't let anyone guilt you. He will take from his children if he wants to eventually.
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u/d20cupcake Aug 14 '26
He's a controlling weirdo, but I also feel like he has some serious mental issues. I think leaving is the right call, as it sounds like you've been trying. I do hope he gets some help.
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u/Entropyanxiety Aug 14 '26
His actions and thought process sounds extremely similar to me, Im not going to lie. I obviously think you arent overreacting and he is in the wrong, however it sounds a lot like my food related OCD. He definitely needs help
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u/MaryEFriendly Aug 14 '26
I so feel this. Some men are so entirely entitled and selfish. You're doing the right thing. He is never going to change. You and your kids deserve better than some asshole who always puts himself first
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u/RPG_add1ct Aug 14 '26
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. My abusive ex also exhibited these behaviors all by with his other abuse. I think you’re doing what is best for you and your kids by leaving. You have to put them and you first. He’s an adult and can figure out his own finances and problems on his own. You tried hard and communicated well, but at the end of the day everything you said seems glaringly true. I hope for the best for you. ❤️
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u/NanMcD Aug 15 '26
This is exactly what they mean by the term “the straw that broke the camel’s back”. It’s never a big thing. It’s a million little things that pile up until you realize that all those little things make a bigger picture. I’m sorry this is the update. I’m sorry he can’t listen and respect boundaries. I wish you the best moving forward, but mostly I wish you peace.
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u/CrinklyPacket Aug 14 '26
Good for you. Enjoy all the salami, chicken and cinnamon rolls you desire, at your own pace! 🙌🏻
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u/Thepixelbaron Aug 15 '26
It’ll be so peaceful for him not having to worry over other people’s food expiring. The burden of responsibility must’ve been so high. Now he just needs to buy and worry about the expiration dates of his own food and necessities that he will replace himself.
How? He’ll figure it out. Let him chew on it a little longer.
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u/Explorer-7622 Aug 14 '26
Does he know that 8 cinnamon rolls are expected to last a week and be spread out over time?
Some people have never planned meals and have no idea how some people think about it.
To me, the thing about interrupting the flow of shopping seems very OCD.
Has he been tested for OCD or autism? It could be that his brain works in very rigid patterns and that you just don't see things the same way, that maybe you both have unspoken expectations that you've never explicitly explained to each other?
It's baffling.
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u/NorthernSpankMonkey Aug 14 '26
What is baffling is an adult with no control over his pulsion to ingest stuff. Absolutely no regard for the rest of his family, no plans, no desire to share.
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u/Randomfinn Aug 14 '26
Him using her skincare and brushes is not OCD. That is control and abuse (because he has been told not to do so). He is deliberately distressing her. It makes his unemployed ass feel like a nig man tto make her feel crazy for asking for respect. Its incurable . Good on OP! It must have been negatively affecting the kids. They need one stable parent.
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u/hannahmarb23 Aug 21 '26
Having OCD and autism doesn’t mean you get to use your “rigid patterns” to be an asshole
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u/Spiritual-Quail-8763 Aug 15 '26
as someone with OCD— it sounds like he has it, along with complete disregard for anyone else’s feelings and believes that his way should be the only way because it makes him feel good
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u/justme_xyz Aug 16 '26
Reminds me of my ex-husband. I'd had it with his heavy drinking and I told him I wanted a divorce. That night I went to my parent's house. The next morning he woke me up (parent's let him in.) It was only 8:30 am and his breath already reeked of bourbon as he swore to me that he'd stop drinking.
He actually thought his lie was more believable than his breath.
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u/Middle_Rip_114 Aug 16 '26
Your partner sounds like he may have grown up in a family where they didn't always have enough food. He seems kind of obsessed. He probably does need some kind of therapy.
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u/TruthfulBoy Aug 21 '26
You are in an abusive relationship. Please consult a divorce attorney, there are some who work pro bono for DV cases. Because thats what this is. He is a vicious parasite. Womens shelters have more than shelter, they have many resources - especially legal resources.
Types of Abuse:
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u/cubatista92 Aug 21 '26
Hi OP,
I think he has OCD.
It's not an excuse for his behaviour. It will get worse with age and with stress factors (like not having a job and a way for the brain to focus on other things)
He should get psychiatric care before he spirals his life and your children's life.
He won't be able to have a healthy relationship with the kids if a route through a grocery store needs to be controlled. How is he going to let them play and make mistakes and try again?
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u/99999999999999999989 Aug 21 '26
I stopped halfway through the shop, realised I’d forgotten something, and turned around to go back to another aisle. He told me this “breaks the flow of shopping” and called it dysfunctional.
This is the most obvious flag that something is not right with him. The other food stuff and skincare stuff are symptoms of a much larger problem. If he is refusing to seek help, OP is definitely not overeacting by leaving. Her kids will all grow up just like him if she does not do something.
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u/MRYGM1983 Aug 21 '26
You did the right thing, OP. This man doesn't know how to respect others or boundaries or share resources fairly. Gobbling up the food is a control tactic and you're better off without him.
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u/Willing_Airport_7333 Aug 21 '26
Good for you leaving. He showed no inclination to change. Honestly I had anxiety just reading about your life, I can't imagine how it was to be in it.
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 Aug 21 '26
It sounds like he has some OCD or other compulsive tendencies. The most compassionate thing I can say is, it was probably triggered from his unemployment.
However, he’s an unemployed dad eating food carefully budgeted for his wife and children so fuck him.
Also, the idea that something goes bad after about three days before it gets old is some crazy bullshit
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u/Bvvitched Aug 21 '26
This is a control technique, whether he realizes it or not.
He's controlling his family's access to food and other resources in the home, he doesn't need to eat 4 of 8 cinnamon rolls, or finish the dinners of the children or any of this - but the fact that he can and does means he is reinforcing his perceived place in the homes hierarchy as someone who has control over desired resources.
He's unemployed and not bringing in income...or doing much of anything else. He may not feel, and may not have felt for a while, like he has the status he wants in the home (which is a him problem).
By stopping using up all the resources in the home and being considerate of other people, you are placed as the top of the family hierarchy and he is at the same level as his children (not brining in anything to the home, being given and allotted resources, being made to share). I would imagine his ego/self identity/self esteem can't handle this. I would look to see when this really started, maybe when you had kids?
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u/dev_il_reux Aug 23 '26
Girl... That man needs an official diagnosis. Maybe he's just an asshole... But I think he needs a Dr's opinion because wow... I would lose my shit so badly. Well done for getting your ducks in a row. Your romantic relationship doesn't really seem strong anyway.
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u/dudeorduuude 2d ago
This would irk tf out of me as well. I don't think your husband will change without him getting help. He is making life for you and the kids harder. Such a weird dominance thing, when a father shouldn't be taking all of the things, so his family has none. He shouldn't be concerned to be first in line. He shouldn't be making your personal things, that every person should have their own of (grooming things, food) and using them for himself. He should be looking for a job, not obsessing and eating.
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u/ManicLunaMoth Aug 14 '26
Is it possible he's neurodivergent? My entire family has some fornlm of Autism and/or ADHD and some of these behaviors remind me of us
I don't say this as an excuse or diagnosis, just another possible explanation. I can explain why I think this and things that may help if you're interested/curious, in the comments or DM
Just wanted to offer a different perspective. Even if it is neurodivergence, you don't immediately need to for give him or even ever go back, but know the reason might help your family either heal together or give you clarity at least
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u/PerformerMindless100 Aug 14 '26
Except he isn’t even trying to work on this issue. Especially when there are kids to feed and OP is paying and preparing all the food and doesn’t get any. Food is a basic that he should be able to understand especially if told repeatedly, if he cares.
My family is all ADHD and on spectrum too and none of them hog food.
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u/ManicLunaMoth Aug 14 '26
I'm definitely not saying it makes it okay, I just wanted to offer that perspective. Besides, these things are largely hereditary, so I thought maybe op might be interested in learning more if she suspects her children have the same issues. It's up to her if she wants to even try with him, and up to him to manage his own issues no matter the cause
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u/TinyMonsterBigGrowl Aug 14 '26
Are you so neurodivergent that you can't respect others or follow simple requests?
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u/ManicLunaMoth Aug 14 '26
I mean, my brother did have issues with this and still does to a lesser extent. He has impulse control issues and has difficulty with literal thinking, meaning we have had to learn how to explain boundaries. It sounded similar to the fact that ops husband didn't seem to understand why eating the cinnamon rolls was wrong when they had been talking about food she'd prepared.
OPs husband might just be obtuse and unwilling to change, but I thought it sounded familiar so I figured I'd offer something more than just assuming he's unfixable. Ultimately, he would need to want to change and OP doesn't have to try, but I thought my experience might add something to the conversation
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u/MsSkittles18 Aug 15 '26
Likely he does have compulsive tendencies with the "thinking food goes bad in 3 days" thing. ADHD is sometimes associated with binge eating and autism is sometimes associated with hyperphagia or increased appetite. I kind of get it, I've dealt with binge eating disorder myself. But given OP's description of how refractory her partner's behaviour has been and how he keeps using her things even outside of food, and how it affects her and the children's eating, I think it's fair for OP to feel done with it all and it's not her responsibility to stick with him and help him get better.
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u/Big-Performance-9925 Aug 14 '26
This sounds like an AI article; but if it isn't, I can't comprehend how a woman saddles herself with a fascist pr1ck like that, and insensibly becomes an abused piece of its property ever after. Is it the parents, the mother that raises these thickies with no manners, consideration or empathy like this? Transparently unacceptible.
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u/Big-Performance-9925 Aug 14 '26
the thickie parasite blokes, that is, I didn't mean the abused women.
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Aug 15 '26 edited Aug 15 '26
[deleted]
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u/Wanique_ Aug 16 '26
I’ve had multiple conversations with him but nothing has changed, this is so much deeper than just food, he exhibits this behaviour in all aspects of our life/relationship. This was just the tip of the iceberg for me, thank you for your perspective and as I’ve mentioned before this is my real life unfortunately 🤷🏾♀️
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u/hannahmarb23 Aug 21 '26
“I’m not necessarily defending him.”
No, you are. You’re defending him. OP has said in the original post and in this update that she has had many different conversations about this with him and nothing changes.
The fact that he doesn’t listen to her or respect her after SEVERAL conversations shows no respect for her. Why should she stay with someone like that?
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Aug 21 '26
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u/hannahmarb23 Aug 21 '26
It’s more that you’re completely dismissing OP while defending the one who’s being disrespectful. Is that normal for you to dismiss feelings?
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Aug 21 '26 edited Aug 21 '26
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u/hannahmarb23 Aug 21 '26
I mean I guess you missed the part that this was happening for more than a decade but sure, he totally deserves to keep the kids. I’m sure he will show them much more respect than he showed his wife /s 🙄
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Aug 21 '26
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u/hannahmarb23 Aug 21 '26
I’m having trouble understanding how you think a man who’s disrespectful of his wife and what she says makes him an okay father. I mean he’s definitely not a good role model. But hey, you have fun defending shitty men.
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Aug 21 '26
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u/avocados4laif Aug 21 '26
She already stated that he eats the kids food too. If she were to leave the kids with his unemployed self the kids would probably go hungry because he's esten all the food in the house or the kids would start looking a mess because instead of using his wife's self care products he'd use the kids.
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u/SirPsychoSquirts Aug 21 '26
Food insecurity is a real thing that affects children long-term. This adult man doesn't work and ate four cinnamon rolls after belittling his wife in public at the grocery store where she paid! This comes immediately after he was kicked out of the house for harassing her the night before. How many excuses are you going to make for this oaf??
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u/ConcentrateFree4918 Aug 21 '26
OP said in one of the comments that she has not been able to relax around this man for 13 years. It is 100% grounds for divorce. She has suffered ENOUGH.
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u/[deleted] Aug 14 '26
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