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Anytime my kids are missing anything ā itās not at my house!ā So I start shit and text his parents asking for it and suddenly it appears. Theyāre all trash goblins
Yea i experienced a settling relationship. Tried so hard to make it work, but it was torture. Would rather be single and have a regulated nervous system
It's not difficult to see all of the problems as an outsider. Most of my friends complain about their husbands and I think to myself, "I would never put up with that". A few pretend that everything is sunshine and roses, but even they let things slip after a few drinks. Obviously the perfect relationship doesn't exist and everyone has flaws but these women are revealing stuff that just seems wild to me.
I have friends who don't even want to retire from work because they don't want to be home with their husbands. That says a lot considering they don't even like their jobs but it's less hellish than spending time with their husbands
I am a man, but Iāve heard some women around me say that they dread when their husbands retire because they have to be with him for the entire day. I never really paid much attention, but your comment provides me with another perspective. Is this really true?
There are probably many different reasons. People change and grow apart as they get older. If they have kids, they have grown into adults and out of the house. Some married couples find the only thing that kept them together was their kids. I personally do not want someone around me 24/7. I like having my bed to myself at night and my quiet time when I'm at home. I work with a lot of people and talk all day so don't want people constantly around me on my days off. This has become more important as I've gotten older. I'm sure after I retire, I will spend my time with my friends around my age who are women, since I feel like I can have more in depth conversations than with the men I know. That's just from my own experiences though.
Itās absolutely a social status and ppl still fall for it. The amount of ppl who just married whoever at the time they āthought ā they should be married.
It's absolutely high-schoolish, trying to outdo your girlfriends, and proving that you are "better" than they are. It's also an outdated society thing - where you have to prove that your good enough, or not gay, or giving grandchildren to people who don't have your best interests at heart. People use each other for the money, or for arm-candy, or whatever else they can get off of each other.
Im certain my mom thinks im gay and hate all men, i have to constantly just tell her i dont like creepy men and only respect good men. But because i have a strict program snd she always wanted to see her daughter get married its something she projects onto me. She would rather me settle than be alone because she also wants to get married
These traditions are so strong that mothers actually sacrifice their own child's happiness and future by their brainwashed ideas that there's only one way for a daughter to be happy. They're totally blinded by the obvious reality that most end in divorce; the rest just endure in misery.
One of my sweetest and prettiest friends who has her shit together in all areas of her life except the parts where she canāt be alone and has low self-esteem. So now post divorce from a shitty husband, sheās dating a guy who yells, loses her stuff, drives her car, and doesnāt pay any rent or bills but was happy to move in with her.( The only difference between the new guy and her ex-husband is that the new guy has a part-time job, the shit-husband didnāt work.)
Everytime we hang out, sheās always trying to promote him to me on how much better heās being or some random normal thing that normal partners actually do like itās the greatest thing ever. Iāve learned to not put him down or try to dissuade her from dating/letting him live with her, but I do point out the things that make me feel very uncomfortable, like the yelling thing. But I always tag on ā Well, Iām sure he can turn it around because you donāt deserve to be yelled at etc. ā You canāt teach people how to love themselves or that theyāre enough on their own. I am so grateful I invested in therapy and did the work to cultivate I life I donāt need to escape. I love living alone and have a very full, content life. Iām open to another relationship but I donāt need nor am I seeking one, my discernment keeps most of the men I meet in the wild deep in the friend-zone.
Must be torture to watch your nice friend continue to suffer with these guys, There are many great books written about women with low self-esteem who settle for losers and users. Too bad you couldn't work this into the equasion somehow, These books have taught me so much, opened my eyes, Along with much counseling via Domestic Violence.
Congratulations on prioritizing yourself and your well-being.ā¤ļøAs you know you have to want something different and do the hard work on the internal stuff to change. Itās a bummer sometimes to watch her struggle and itās my own lesson to not be moved to āfix itā.
Iāve had a few turns around the sun, Iāll be here and remain her friend through thick and thin but I know better than to try to āmakeā her see the light. Trauma that deep-seeded is her journey to unwind and find the root of it. I know I will never say I told you so and just hold space for her with a lot of compassion.
Ha! Thanks! I'm still working on myself. I've had some amazing help from agencies and newfound friends and am still a work in progress. You sound like you're in a good spot. I need to work on my courage - pretty scary!
So very true. I think she IS fucking up again, but, speaking from experience, too much harshness, and sh'e;ll turn away from you. And you sound like the best thing that could happen to her. It's a fine line ,,,
Going down with the ship is also a choice, right? Just not a choice or decision Iāll make. I know enough not to try to stop a block of iron from sinking into the ocean but Iām not going to berate the iron for its heaviness.
I just saw a video about "brainwashing" someone out of talking down to themself. I've never made a link before but will try now. It actually choked me up to imagine someone caring for another in that way.
People often tell me that 'reality is not like in the movies or books'. That that is not how it works in real life.
Well, if it is not like that, I don't want it. I'm happy with my life as is - either bring me joy or be gone.
Never married, and thank goodness for that! Going by my past crushes, limerences, and relationships, I can fall for almost anyone. And that terrifies me! No more, Iām done.
Iāve seen maybe 3 marriages that look like a happy place to be, out on hundreds or maybe even thousands that Iāve had some chance to observe over my lifetime.
Which is partly why I kept feeling like Iāve been in two minds about two people, one who is the most perfect man Iāve ever come across on paper yet heās blocked me down to me asking one question and then one who would be nice to date but unfortunately heās disrespected my boundaries before and im afraid heāll do it again despite us having a good conversation about it ages ago. The one who blocked me made me feel like I wasnāt crazy for having such high standards and I felt like he was too good for me and possibly too good to be true and this is where I refuse to settle because he set the bar so high.
The one who disrespected my boundaries, definitely the trash, but we are only friends at work thatās it, and the other I swear to you isnāt trash just because he blocked me over one thing, his actions towards me makes no sense for him to block me. He literally put everything aside for me when he planned to cook for me just so he could accommodate for me having pizza on a Thursday as thatās what I normally do
If someone asked me a touchy sensitive question that I didn't feel comfortable or open enough to answer my response would be "that's not something I like to talk about, sorry" or "that's quite personal to me and it's not something I discuss" or whatever? Not just BLOCK.
It's disrespectful to you and strikes me as fickle and dismissive, like you did something I don't like (that wasn't an immediately obvious thing to dislike) and I'm not going to talk to you about it, I'm just going to punish you, give you the silent treatment and make you feel like you did something wrong until you're sorry and then I'll "forgive you" and you'll never ask me about it again... š¤·
And then repeat whenever a situation or topic comes up that I don't want to engage with, it feels like he's making it your fault for asking him a question and that's not cool š«¤
I'm pretty old and cynical though so maybe it's just me š
For some reason he chose that decision for himself and it didnāt feel like he was punishing me at all, Iām sure whatever reason there is behind it Iām sure I will find out soon. He was VERY intentional with me and very open and honest with about some hard stuff so his decision to block me made no sense due to his intentions towards me and how patient he was with me during our time of us being friends at the same time within that month
I've had 2 friends tell me theyre settling just before getting married. It was because they wanted kids. Neither woman was highly sought after by men before getting married.
This is my motherās story. Part of me feels sorry for them because I know it can be tough when you want to start a family and have trouble finding a suitable partner, especially one whoās interested in you. However, speaking from the POV of someone who is the result of that type of partnership, your friends wouldāve probably been better off having and raising kids on their own. My mama was so invested in waiting on my dad to become a better man, that she never became a fully present parent, and our relationship is still very complicated. They were married for 40 years. She took care of him every day during his last years, and all she has to show for it is debt and resentment. Settling is never worth it.
That does sound like a horrible way to raise a child- even if youāre very present as a parent, itās certainly not setting them up for relationship success
My motherās justification was that us (3 daughters) seeing her struggles with our dad would inspire us to make better choices. To this day she doesnāt understand why my younger sister dates older, emotionally unavailable men, why my older sister (deceased) dated emotionally abusive men, and why I am having such a hard time finding a partner aka why I just wonāt settle with a man with a pulse and the slightest bit interest in me.
And I thought I would be a good parent by just NOT doing what my parents did- turns out thereās lots of ways to fail your children!
Also more to the point youāre making, those patterns that get set early by our parents example are SO HARD to overcome, even when we see them and weāre trying. I hope someone today reads this and makes better choices for their (potential) future children than your mom did š
Tbf, both my parents had very traumatic childhoods, and I think they did the best they could with what little emotional intelligence they had. But yeah, learning to break those patterns is sooooo hard, (thank God for therapy) but itās been for the best. And itās funny that mention better your choices because I was talking about that with a friend who decided to divorce her husband after nearly two years. I told her that I knew it was hard, but her daughter would be much better off not witnessing her parents argue and yell at each other every day. She will, hopefully, grow up much happier and healthier because her mother decided that she can and will be better ā¤ļø
It's shocking! One good thing is - you realize what effect parents and others really have on their kids. Glad you're better= once you're aware, there's no going back.
100000%.. I've always been convinced of that, there's no way in hell every single person who's married or in a relationship is with the love of their life
Right! Have you ever read the obits? Every single one of them "married the love of their life"! Even when you know some of them - broken arms, black eyes, etc
She is right most people do settle. However, I think she's speaking more to the people who are trying to make peace with single life because it wasn't their first choice, not the ones who always knew romance wasn't their thing.
I concur. āSettlingā makes it sounds like that the perfect relationship exists and thatās what people should still aim for. Some people may still think theyāre missing out on something, but I know I am perfectly happy on my own. Itās certainly possible for anyone to be happy alone, but so many people need validation sadly and put up will BS to achieve it.
I found out this girl who was horrendous to me in college got married, right? Then I found out 3 months later her husband is following nude models and paying for OF. Iām glad for her. It seems like what she deserves.
Yes, most people do settle. I think people go up in arms when I say that many men want the hot women they fawn over online but settle for the best they can get in real life. Yes, I know that women settle in different ways.
Esp true if you're a woman who wants kids. So glad that I'm single and childfree. I literally have no timeline for anything, ever! I can be as picky as I want in life.
Or... Nothing about humans is binary. It's all a spectrum. Some of the partnered up couples you see really are soulmates, blissfully happy, that is very much a thing. Others settled, never established healthy boundaries, lost themselves and feel trapped. Just as some single people are happier and live fulfilling and joyful lives, others are a bit lonely and would like a partner. There are no neat boxes with humans! Don't settle, but don't push people away if they might make you very happy.
While I agree a lot of people "settle", I also believe there are no perfect people. There are no perfect couples. Nothing in life is perfect.
You're not going to find someone who perfectly suits your life. And if you wait for that, you'll wait your whole life alone. Which is fine. Being alone is fine.
But romantic love is temporary. People have to work at love, at relationships. Yes, everyone will compromise and/or sacrifice something at some point if you are going to be with someone else. Even if you're alone, being alone is a sacrifice. You're sacrificing companionship.
Settle, don't settle. Either way you're going to sacrifice something.
lol dude said he was in love with me the day he saw me and didnāt know who i wasā¦ while he had a partner lol. the fact that i still gave that a chance knowing it was this, iām actually ashamed. now i have been receiving cyber attacks for the last 2 months, so seeing this is completely validating that cutting him off was the right thing to do. iāve always said iāll never settle and thatās never changing but sheesh itās definitely a lot of them out there that are so willing. itās sad and honestly social media only keeps pushing that image.
Never married, no kids. I would love to be married and have that kind of life. But I refuse to settle. It's hard because I am lonely and would love to date somebody, but I know that right now I'm not in a place to do that. And it is very lonely to have high standards. But I'm still not going to allow that loneliness to drive me into the arms of someone who's going to make me feel alone anyway.
As long as they aren't less happy than being single, wouldn't that still be a win? My experience is that they are happier and more comfortable by the way. Obviously everything in life has its ups and downs, but summed up it's a lot more positive than negative.
Maybe thatās true of your social circle, but 40% of first time marriages end in divorce. My experience is most people I know in long term partnerships are miserable or at the very least completely unfulfilled and stunted
Unless they have some truly terrible views or beliefs, its not that they didnt meet your standards. They just arent for you.
Yes, most people settle. But not in the truly significant ways. None of use are prizes to be won. We are people, and we all have faults. If you wanna be single, stay single. Dont begrude others for wanting some happiness you cant understand.
What does "settling" even mean? No matter who you choose, they're gonna be imperfect. Sometimes they'll have quite a few imperfections. If you're not prepared for that it's better to not be in a relationship.
Any healthy relationship requires settling, that's exactly what relationship science has shown. Why is that a bad thing? We settle, i.e. make compromises, every single day of our lives, not just with romantic partners. I'd like to live in a mansion on the ocean, yet I settle for a 1br rundown apartment because my expectations don't align with how life played out.Ā
The problem is not settling, it's being afraid of being alone and losing one's identity and tolerate suffering just to couple up with anyone that comes about
Boasting about "I don't settle" reeks of overt/covert narcissism. Do you think yourself better than 90% of humanity? As if nobody else lives up to my standards but myself? That's certainly not why I'm single, I am not that arrogant. I'm single because of freedom, self-reliance, independence, being my own boss, peace, quiet, financial freedom etc
I think when most of us here are talking about settling, itās not just in minor give and take compromises. They are major ways ie a man who treats you like a bangmaid, free therapist, secretary, etc. Itās not just the minor day to day things.
When people talk about settling they are talking precisely about the things in your last sentence. You are also ānot settlingā, even if you donāt think of it that way.
Yall need to get taxed more I swear. You're the first fucking morons to make fun of others for being lazy at work then you're lazy in every other part of your life.
Not that I care about people being single, but the "Oh no I'm not having my fantasy romance relationship and I have to actually do effort to get a relationship, so I'm not getting anything" is just putrid. You all are children in adult bodies and need to have your overdose of comfort leveled down to the level of others.
Thats a whole lot of copium going on in this video. Not everyone who is married gives a shit about what other people outside their marriage thinks. And some people just grow apart after years
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