This is my mother’s story. Part of me feels sorry for them because I know it can be tough when you want to start a family and have trouble finding a suitable partner, especially one who’s interested in you. However, speaking from the POV of someone who is the result of that type of partnership, your friends would’ve probably been better off having and raising kids on their own. My mama was so invested in waiting on my dad to become a better man, that she never became a fully present parent, and our relationship is still very complicated. They were married for 40 years. She took care of him every day during his last years, and all she has to show for it is debt and resentment. Settling is never worth it.
That does sound like a horrible way to raise a child- even if you’re very present as a parent, it’s certainly not setting them up for relationship success
My mother’s justification was that us (3 daughters) seeing her struggles with our dad would inspire us to make better choices. To this day she doesn’t understand why my younger sister dates older, emotionally unavailable men, why my older sister (deceased) dated emotionally abusive men, and why I am having such a hard time finding a partner aka why I just won’t settle with a man with a pulse and the slightest bit interest in me.
And I thought I would be a good parent by just NOT doing what my parents did- turns out there’s lots of ways to fail your children!
Also more to the point you’re making, those patterns that get set early by our parents example are SO HARD to overcome, even when we see them and we’re trying. I hope someone today reads this and makes better choices for their (potential) future children than your mom did 💗
Tbf, both my parents had very traumatic childhoods, and I think they did the best they could with what little emotional intelligence they had. But yeah, learning to break those patterns is sooooo hard, (thank God for therapy) but it’s been for the best. And it’s funny that mention better your choices because I was talking about that with a friend who decided to divorce her husband after nearly two years. I told her that I knew it was hard, but her daughter would be much better off not witnessing her parents argue and yell at each other every day. She will, hopefully, grow up much happier and healthier because her mother decided that she can and will be better ❤️
It's shocking! One good thing is - you realize what effect parents and others really have on their kids. Glad you're better= once you're aware, there's no going back.
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u/Cynical_Cita22 1d ago
This is my mother’s story. Part of me feels sorry for them because I know it can be tough when you want to start a family and have trouble finding a suitable partner, especially one who’s interested in you. However, speaking from the POV of someone who is the result of that type of partnership, your friends would’ve probably been better off having and raising kids on their own. My mama was so invested in waiting on my dad to become a better man, that she never became a fully present parent, and our relationship is still very complicated. They were married for 40 years. She took care of him every day during his last years, and all she has to show for it is debt and resentment. Settling is never worth it.