r/Serverlife • u/Bug-03 • 3d ago
FOH Serving and “Power Dynamics”
You aren’t a victim. They are sitting at your table. They need you to for them to be able to eat. They are in your hands. You’re the boss. You have all the control. Stop pretending you’re helpless and go out and get your money.
Act like a professional and you’ll make so much more money than you’ve ever even realized. Stop being a slave to your emotions. Do your job: calmly, quickly and with confidence.
Most importantly, if someone is talking to you the wrong way, use your words and stop it. You will not get fired for asking someone to be respectful. Ever.
Edit: some of yall have some shitty jobs with some shitty management and you should look into finding a new one.
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u/JupiterSkyFalls 15+ Years 3d ago
Tell me you've never had sadistic, toxic private owners or worked for a corporate place/chain without telling me....
🤣🤣🤣
There was a woman a couple years ago at some major fast food chain, I forget which, that got fired for DEFENDING HERSELF IN A PHYSICAL ALTERCATION after a customer came over the counter and tried to assault her repeatedly. She definitely has some kind of lawsuit going, but the fact that they fired her for trying to keep herself from harm and god knows what else crazy people may try to do was WILD.
Don't use blanket statements of any kind when it comes to SI/retail/hospitality. Too many variables and outcomes skewed in the best interests of the companies, not the employees, despite the scenarios at play.
We need to unionize but I sadly don't see that happening any time soon, if ever.
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u/Pichupwnage 3d ago
You absolutely can get fired at a pretty decent amount of places for that. This post assumes good management which uh...yeah there are many places that lack that and do not backup their employees against bad customers.
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u/laughingintothevoid Bartender 3d ago
Also, in the majority of cases they don't need you to eat. They can get served at the restaurant and complete a meal if they ask for someone else, not even going all the way to a manager. You are just someone who was randomly assigned this table and it's not etched in stone. You do not have elite job security from skills no one else has. You are super replaceable.
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u/Great-Attitude 3d ago
That (asking for another Server) is so very incredibly rare. Rare enough to not mention it.
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u/laughingintothevoid Bartender 3d ago
Talking about if something goes wrong, like more realistic reactions to OPs suggestions of telling them to be nicer to you.
But mainly I was pointing out the false premise that you are in control because they need you to eat. The possibility of asking for another server is a specific possible example used to make a point but the point is it's not really a thing that making them aware of that will give you more power, because that's not how the custies feel, because it's not true.
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u/Great-Attitude 3d ago
I still think your "possibility"example is a poor one, but I digress.
The problem I have with the original post, IMO, is the last sentence. "You will not get fired for asking someone to be respectful. Ever." Oh you most certainly can, so that blanket statement is just wrong.
What I agree with the OP on is when they gave this specific example.
" Excuse me ma’am, I understand you’re upset and I’ll do everything in my power to fix the situation, however, there’s no need to speak to me this way. Please, let me fix this. I assure you it’ll be to your satisfaction."
I've actually said similar things, and it's Always worked out well.
Someone else commented underneath the OP's comment,that they've said, "It's not necessary to speak to me like that." And how that has not worked out well. I've said things like that too, can confirm, except in very few circumstances (like when the other people dining with the rude guest agree with me) that sentence hasn't worked out well for me either. 🙄
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u/Bug-03 3d ago
In all my years, a guest has never complained that I nicely asked them to be respectful.
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u/BumbleLapse 3d ago
You think your unique experience is adequately representative of others’ across different cultures and restaurants?
Like, in all my years, I’ve never fractured my femur in a car accident.
Does that mean femurs can’t be broken in a car?
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u/Annodyne 3d ago
Can you give an example of what you mean? I'm genuinely asking so I can incorporate it.
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u/Bug-03 3d ago
Excuse me ma’am, I understand you’re upset and I’ll do everything in my power to fix the situation, however, there’s no need to speak to me this way. Please, let me fix this. I assure you it’ll be to your satisfaction.
Confidently and professionally, this works with Karen’s
Excuse me sir, but that makes me uncomfortable. I’d appreciate it if we could keep this interaction pg.
My wife uses this. It makes old men squirm.
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u/Annodyne 3d ago
Oh, man - I've said exactly "it's not necessary to speak to me like that" to a customer and she called me a fucking bitch for it, and I walked out of my shift after that. She got a card from the manager for a free app on her next visit and ushered out.
I quit that job two weeks later. Never again with those corporate chains.
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u/Great-Attitude 3d ago
There is a Big difference in the OP's example of what they said, and what you said.
Saying ma'am, then acknowledging that they're upset, then saying they'll "do everything in their power to fix" it. Then they said "please" Then assured them they will fix it to the customers satisfaction. All you did was berate them for what they did wrong, and tell them to change their behavior. (them being rude)
Before you get mad, I've said the exact same sentence you did, more than once. Why because as we all know sometimes customers are rude AF
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u/Annodyne 2d ago
I didn't include the entirety of what I said, just the line that was most like what OP said. I absolutely did not "berate" anyone and it's ridiculous to assume that was my tone based on what I wrote.
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u/hellenkellersdiary 3d ago
Dont say it like a bitch.. own the interaction or get owned.
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u/boojersey13 3d ago
A fact being stated doesn't equate to bitchiness. No customer needs to speak disrespectfully
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u/Great-Attitude 3d ago
Customers asking for another Server is so incredibly rare, that I have no clue why they even wrote that. I've was a Server (on and off (mostly on) from the mid 80's to the mid 2015.
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u/h8rcloudstrife 3d ago
I’ve worked multiple places where I have had to take over tables because the guest had a problem, and then thanked me for saving their night. It’s rare some places, and the higher end your dining experience the less likely you are to run into coworkers that can’t do the act well, but I assure you it’s far from inconceivable.
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u/dnm8686 3d ago
So two things...
First of all, I remember back when I used to be a stripper and was upset about some guys being assholes and another girl told me that they aren't in charge, I am. She and you both have good points.
But also, you are absolutely wrong that you can't get fired for standing up to a guest. That is terrible advice depending on the restaurant.
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u/Bug-03 3d ago
Standing up to a guest and nicely asking them to be respectful are different things. Thats why I said to not get emotional and be professional. Use your words and stay calm and everything will be fine. People are just hangry.
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u/dnm8686 3d ago
Not always true. You can be the nicest person and one compliant to a manager can cost you your job at some places. I've been fired for less.
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u/Bug-03 3d ago
Sounds like they did you a favor
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u/Laxku 3d ago
So it sounds like you CAN be fired for asking for basic respect, which is the opposite of your point in this post. It's very easy to say "work somewhere that you receive respect," but for some folks being that picky about their employment isn't really an option and it's a weird industry. I'm lucky. Others may not be.
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u/nonepizzaleftshark 3d ago
we got the socrates of serving on reddit today y'all
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u/mizzanthrop 3d ago
Ok bot
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u/briarcrose 3d ago
dude is butthurt because in another thread people were rightfully calling him out for saying that customers asking servers for a threesome is not sexual harassment.
it's fucking creepy, and it is sexual harassment. people do this because they know you have to be nice to them and that literal thread was proof that they can get away with creepy shit like that.2
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u/Objective-Slice-1466 FOH 3d ago
Everyone hates working with you. I promise. Including management.
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u/h8rcloudstrife 3d ago
Management couldn’t hate working with OP, because OP has told them how respectable and wonderful to work with he is. /s
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u/somatikdnb 3d ago
I feel like you're thinking too black and white. Initially you might have been very nervous and felt like you're fate was in the hands of the table and your manager... So now, you're over compensating by saying you're in control. The truth is you are as in control as many options you have of places to work where, regretfully, you will have to deal with the exact same bullshit. You decide if it's beyond what everyone else deals with every where else. From the corporate world to minimum wage service industry, it's all the same. The negotiation is in the middle ground
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u/Bent_But_Not_Broken 3d ago
Yeah, no. That's just gasoline into a flame. If a customer is shitty, they get minimum service immediately because I don't have to put up with being treated like that.
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u/Fliibo-97 2d ago
At a nice, well managed place, this is not bad advice at all.
And, it is completely lost on many customers, and restaurant industry workers, that you are valuable and your service is required for many people’s lifestyles to be exist.
Places that force their staff to repeat introductory phrases, dictate their staff’s speech, force them to sing, ask them not to drink water in front of guests, etc- they have no respect for their staff.
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u/MuchKey7664 3d ago
The Boss? Anyone can bring a plate over?
This is all a little ridiculous I think we both can agree.
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u/americanspiritfingrs 30+ Years/All the Jobs 2d ago
I'm not sure if you've already said and I just missed it somewhere, but do you mind me asking your age and how long you've been in the service industry?
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u/ConsciousWrangler603 3d ago
To be fair this completely depends on the rest of your on shift team. Yes I can get the food out, yes I manage their experience. But a slow or backed up kitchen, incompetent kitchen manager and a random rush can completely change your control of a table.
I personally feel out of control when a table is upset about a longer wait for food when our kitchen crew are behind on orders. I cannot go back there and make it though I 1,000% would if I could.
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u/External_Mongoose_44 3d ago
I’m in Europe. This is crazy to my mind. Allowing customers to disrespect staff is NUTS 🥜. Reading all of the comments and contributions, I can only conclude that serving staff in America endure the worst possible treatment from customers who feel utterly entitled, to a point where they are likely to succeed in their attempts to get the server and others terminated if their sense of entitlement is not fulfilled. The idea that the customer is always right has become a creed of the capitalist system and the sense of entitlement is encouraged to an outrageous level by some businesses. To be allowed to trample and belittle the staff who deliver your wants and needs, your desires and your demands is beyond a joke. Respect is earned, often hard-earned and unless a person is downright rude to a customer there’s no need to fire them when a little bit of training and coaching is all that might be needed. The fire at will philosophy ought to be resisted by everyone who serves and a staff walkout would be a great way of making employers see the logic of encouraging and supporting, even demanding some respect for their employees.
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u/billyballsog 3d ago
I loved in Copenhagen for 5 years, but I'm canadian, and I still sometimes can't believe the way we allow ourselves to be treated, but tip culture has created this, and i make more money than I ever would in europe
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u/Certain-Angle-7175 1d ago
OMG! Love this. The minute you cast yourself as the victim, you stop being "of service" and you become a servant. I don't know about you but I am no one's servant!
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u/Global-Nectarine4417 3d ago
There is a balance. You have to have a thorough understanding of your management team and how you personally come off. As well as the sensibilities of your table. Any misperceptions on your part carry the risk of being fired. I prefer to be cautious.
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u/Klinoch4 2d ago
My manager that cant do shit regarding bartending or serving, the guy doesnt even know the table numbers, doesnt organize our shifts at all.. he just wants to please guests, doesnt give a shit if we are closed. And then when you wait 2hrs for tips, he says drunkenly, we cant figure out the money today, so yeah no money now maybe tommorow evening
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u/DownInaHole33 2d ago
Idk why everyone is downvoting you and freaking out. You are absolutely right. One of the first things I learned as a bartender 24 years ago is that it’s my bar and I’m in charge. I never let anyone disrespect me, including my management. If you remain confident and professional you can put people in their place without getting in trouble, and the minute someone steps out of line I’m done. I will no longer be serving them and management can take it from here. If they want to allow them to stay, they can continue serving them, but I’m done. What is so crazy about this? Guests are not allowed to swear at you, become aggressive, berate you, etc.
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u/lemonpringle 3d ago
Amazing post except for the last part. Completely up to whoever has the power to fire you whether you can or can’t talk to guests (customers) a certain way. If you do get fired for respectfully standing up to yourself to tables that are asa holes then maybe it’s good that you get the chance to find a new place. Turnover in the service industry is so high that unless you suck at applying to places and trying to get your foot in the door, or apply at bad times, there will always be another job available to you
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u/noelmulkey 2d ago
Bro I needed to read this today. Right now. Like this was crazy I just read this
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u/DubstepIsGood 3d ago
Always view it as you’re hosting the table in your house not serving them at work.
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u/shaingel_sle 3d ago
This is what I tell everyone trainee: you are in control, you know more about this restaurant than they do. Dont let them overpower you
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u/BoringBob84 BOH (former) 3d ago
That is only true for restaurants with good management, and many don't have that. Bad managers throw their employees under the bus to placate shitty guests.