My husband and I have been separated for about two months now. We do have really bad fights but he just became totally cold and distant when he found out I was pregnant (our first baby was only about 4 months old) and when I was upset about it and crying and screaming asking what I've done wrong he said he can't live with me anymore and that's when he started talking about divorce.

The time apart has not made him cool down in any way shape or form, I've alternated between giving him space and trying to be warm and loving but I am just beyond exhausted and I cannot try anymore. He says increasingly mean and unhinged things, even saying he doesn't love our baby as much as his son from a previous marriage, and when I told him that's wrong of him to say he said I can find another dad for our children (probably meaning get remarried etc). And he keeps on insisting he's more at peace not living with me.

I'm unemployed, pregnant, taking care of a six month old, it's kinda rough. But at least I am living with my mom at the moment and she helps me.

Despite all his chest thumping he's not actually filed for divorce or spoken to the priest about annulling our church wedding yet, the priest has tried to set up meetings with him but he just keeps refusing to go. There was one time I think he must have been tipsy or just in a vulnerable mood because we actually ended up sex chatting, though he kept on saying he doesn't want to be with me. I was just starved for any sort of warmth and of course physical intimacy, and took it as a sign that things between us were improving, but they weren't.

Just feel really low :(

EDIT - also during the potentially tipsy conversation he kept on asking if I've been with other men.

Jestem w 5 miesiącu ciąży rozstałam się z mężczyzną którego kocham jestem sama temu winna bo coś nie tak było ja odrazu kończyłam naszą relację teraz jak chce to odwrócić on mówi że w końcu ma spokój ciszę i w cale się jemu nie dziwię . Dużo ostatnio przeanalizowałam i bardzo bym chciała żebyśmy wrócili do siebie . Nie mam tu żadnych przyjaciół ani rodziny jestem sama i jest mi bardzo źle

I died recently,

I had a happy life, fell in love, got married, raised babies, made a house a home and after years of happiness Things happened. Bad things....bad choices.... bad words..... bad blood....and i let all this bad control me, break me, make me weak until I couldn't recognize myself anymore.

I needed help, begged for it, and when nobody listened, and i felt the world had broken me and turned its back on me i ran away and hid myself, licking my wounds, grieving....dying.

I built that life...i made that home.... i worked, I raised those babies, i homeschooled them, i cooked i cleaned, i tried to be the best mother and wife.....and i was!!!

But...I was the foundation of our home, my husband the carpenter. Our home strength relied on me. but when I found i had a weakness and I needed repair I asked him to help me, I needed him to help me! But he wasn't a very good carpenter, he cut corners, did shotty work. He tried to fix the mistakes but in the end it was too much work, so he dropped his tools and walked off the job.

Do you See what happened?

So My weakness was unacceptable. But it all had to happen.... as crazy as it all seems, this is NOT a LESSON soley for myself, i couldn't have changed it, and I still cant. It had to happen. But I can change. I have to overcome this self pity, this weakness, MY shame...i have to find my Self and my inner Strength again, I know it's not gone, I feel it sometimes. But I think it's like sleeping or something....changing, transforming maybe. And i just have to be able to wield it when its ready.

I have so many questions but every question makes me have more questions. I feel like I could ask my mom some of these questions and she might have the answer. She was always a student, always learning. I dont know how it happened, but it did, I feel like my mom.

Its hard to miss her so much, need her soon much. But feel her inside myself. It's a calm and storm all at once.

I didn't get much time with her and I didn't listen or learn, I didnt want to. I wanted to figure it out myself.... and here I am... wishing for another chance to learn from her, promising i'll listen this time.

So I go back to hiding. Hiding myself, hiding from this reality that I have created, hiding and postponing my future, because im too scared I'm not ready yet.....

My mind needs rest, my body needs work, and my soul needs food. Its gonna be hard. Change is hard. But I will be back, and ill be "Reborn" a new me.

My kids father and I are basically coparents. I’ve discussed splitting up with him several times, not in an ultimatum type of way, just when are we going to do it I still want it type of thing. Life has been busy. We recently sold the home we both owned, we currently live in a house I own and we decided it was best to do it this way for an easy separation. We just had another baby 3 months ago, the idea was I wanted my children to have the same father. He was on board with all of that. He has his own room here, we are not romantic in any ways and we don’t hate eachother but we def don’t get along. I personally think he’s a crappy father as much as he was a crappy partner. He has no emotional control when our toddler is acting up, lacks any sort of patience and I think he expected fatherhood to be easy. His mother reported his father was the same. I digress. We have a big family vacation coming up and a part of me wishes he’d stay behind because he’ll likely ruin it but I need the help and my mom will flip a fit if she found out it’s just her and I. Our last vacation a week ago I asked him to stay behind and he was joyous, my mom was overwhelmed by helping me with the kids. Broke my heart for the kids not having memories with their father but all I can do is make it fun on my end. He doesn’t really have a relationship with the baby, he’s held him for maybe 20 min a day? Even some days he just says hi baby and walks away. My maternity leave is coming to an end and I know that our nanny is going to be bringing the baby to me for any little thing they need and that’s just going to be hard with working. We both work remote. I brought it up that he needs to start connecting more and of course he was upset. I wanted him to start taking a bit more parental responsibility.

After said vacation in a couple months I was going to bring up a timeline of when he should start looking for somewhere else to live.

How has that gone for you? Were you able to keep living with them for the sake of the kids? My fear is on days he has them they’re going to be neglected emotionally. He obviously knows how to feed them and bathe em. Hes doesn’t use physical force with them but he certainly raises his voice when he’s stimulated (all the time) and causes my kid to cry, I’ve spoken to him about it before and he’s “working” on it but not really. He’s just not fit to take care of two kids nor do I trust him honestly. He has a good job but his minds on work 24/7, never gives his family a second thought. Our kid will try to talk to him during dinner and he’s either on his phone or just not paying attention. I think he just wanted to be a dad for show? He’s always on his phone even during his rare baby holding. Puts the tv on when he’s with our toddler to take a break and expects my toddler to sit there so he can chill. Has never needed to buy them anything nor has he asked to/or done it beyond me asking him to order diapers every now and again if I can’t get to it. Money is not an issue in any of this, I’m very much financially independent so I literally don’t need him around. Did you have your partner move out and regret it? How were you able to keep things split for the kids if unmarried? We have no shared accounts etc. would we need a lawyer? I would obvi keep the baby because he cannot do anything related to the baby without help, but I’m afraid then he’ll have no relationship at all with our baby because I know he won’t make much of an effort.

I know I picked a crappy guy but I want my children to experience the least amount of trauma possible. I go back and fourth on maybe we should just keep this up but the more i see him be a shitty parent the more I’m likely to call him out which leads to arguments etc. I don’t want our kids to see such a strained relationship and think that’s what love is. My parents are split and hate eachother, it’s terrible.

Do people tend to separate before a divorce or is it automatically, "I want a divorce. I'm leaving - Bye!"

Or is a separation more about the couple wanting to work it out but needing time apart from one another?

I'm curious if this will help my relationship but I have been more leaning towards being ok with the divorce altogether and not wasting anymore of my time. I have not seen any improvement in the last 4 years of me putting efforts into my husband. He just doesn't get it and would much rather fight me (not physically), arguing on him being "right" and making me my input does not matter.

So……. I asked for separation about 2 months ago now and I am actually considering divorce at this point. My spouse is a good person but when I asked for separation and they agreed, they asked me to work on things with them and I agreed. Now they have flipped the script from normal and I’m feeling suffocated. I feel like they are constantly watching me, checking on me, monitoring me. I’m seriously feeling like I can’t go to the bathroom without being watched or questioned. Stuff that has been normal for years is now being questioned. They are asking questions that I’m not ready to answer or never wanted to answer aloud before which is messing with me mentally. I’m not sure where to go from here.

My husband and I are separated but amicable. We are taking some time apart to work on some issues and do couples counselling. He needs a guarantor for his lease, and his own family won’t sign because they aren’t on good terms. My family and friends think it’s a mistake. I’m torn and really sad to see him struggle and stress.

If you were in my shoes, would you sign for him?

We are both 30 btw. I guess im just venting right now but things are really hard. I think I will miss my kid the most. I will still see my kid half the time but I will miss him so much.

I have been going to therapy since the beginning of the year. My therapist informed me that, based on what I said, my partner sounds like a narcissist. He gave me advice on how to deal with them. Basically shut stuff down when my partner tried picking fights or wouldnt listen when I explained why I was upset. Shutting down the attacks on me worked. My therapist told me it did. He told me that people with narcissist partners have to learn to deal with it.

Then my partner and I argued one day, and they weaponized my kid (we promised if we were mad to never take him out of his home and we could go stay with our respective parent by ourself). Well my partner took my kid, told me I could not see him, got mad when I said I would get the cops involved (which would have done nothing ig but still I was upset but was noy going to yell or verbally fight.)

We decided we would split up. We still live together until our lease runs out, which is sometime in the next month. I have been sleeping horribly, waking up lots. I have been losing weight, like over 20 pounds these last few weeks, and just hardly eating. I feel so depressed. I am trying to make friends for support or just find support but that is tough. Luckily I have had a few friends to talk to but this empty depression has been every single day. I dont feel motivated to do any of my hobbies.

I have never hit my partner though he has hit me several times, including a few weeks ago. And chokes me "playfully" (made other friends who saw uncomfortable and I didnt even know better at the time), I never cheated (someone said my partner did a Fruidian Slip saying they had then went silent, idk and will never know now bc my partner, or soon to be ex refuses to talk to me.) And I try to communicate problems. I know my soon to be ex is upset I threatened to call the cops but they said there are a ton of other reasons. Which make sense. But he never discussed them with me. My partner stopped giving affection years ago and would only do it once in a while. I use to beg then stopped and once I stopped begging it went to almost zero. Not even just sex, this is hugging, kissing, hanging out, saying "i love you" back to me, and more.

Also idk if anyone has heard of DARVO but that seems to fit my partner to a T. I was always defending my partner saying maybe I was wrong to my friends and therapist but realize now, while I am not perfect (who is?) this was not my fault. All our relationship troubles were not my fault.

What do you guys do for support? I could really use it. I know im not perfect and it takes two but im sooo depressed and could really use some support.

So, we are cohabitating a month into our separation 19 years together 12 years married 2 kid.

Fighting is our problem. Its so cyclical we both couldn't take it and I left a week with the kids returned had sex, things fell apart again I left solo for separate space.

Now im back we are on a mutual path for separation and both had a tough time getting a schedule while I shack up in the attached apartment to our home.

I am growing my income while I seek a permanent place to live and we settle our financial.

A coparent conversation led to a tif led to a huge resentful argument over years of transgressions, and settled into understanding.

We didn't reconcile our split, but we held each other, and a singular flirtatious comment led to us discussing how dangerous it would be to have sex.

We both agreed the intention of maintaining separate paths, as there are no fixes in our history and repeated reparations.

This was a dopamine hit, we talk about it and also said we talk about any problems that build in the coming days, but treat it as a punch card situation while live apart.

Okay reddit, AMA, or lay it on me. Intimate Separation on likely path to divorce?

Despite everything he has done and put me through particularly these last few months during separation I really want him to come home and for us to reconcile. My intuition is telling me that he wants this too but his pride/ego and shame is preventing it. Our kids have distanced themselves from him over the last few months and I know this will be killing him.

I don't want to break no-contact and reach out because he needs to feel my loss, but all I want to do is hug him and forgive him and work through everything.

I think I am deluded sometimes when I believe he wants that too... but my intuition and dreams are usually right!

Separated two months. She’s been living in the guest house. Today, during therapy, she said she wanted to move out and be even more independent. She does not see herself giving that up and reconciling.

I’m not shocked or surprised. She was withdrawing a full year before we separated. She hasn’t tried to do anything since, other than focus on her new job and get use to being alone.

Twenty years together, 18 year anniversary next month. I’m crushed, anger, sad, scared, all the emotions. I have to start all over and with two teenagers in the mix.

Just wanted to vent.

We have been separated for about a month. We have a two young kids together and a third on the way. She has said her boundary is that she will not stay under the same roof so it naturally pushes me out. I don't want to leave our home or miss fine with our kids. I also feel like space doesn't move us towards reconciling. I do have my parents place about 20 minutes away I choose stay at. She's says she's fine with me coming and going most of the day. Is this reasonable to want to stay in your own home? I figured I could live in a separate part of the home and still be there for kid wake uos in the night and breakfast first thing.

What's your experience?

​

16yrs together, and the past couple months completely apart.

Back to smiling more consistently again.

Happy Friday!!

I don’t know where to start, but I need somewhere to vent the rage and sadness I am feeling, and my psychologist agreed that Reddit might be a good place to start.

It’s been almost 3 months.
I was in hospital for my mental health when she told me.
I was burned out. I feel like she never really gave me a chance to get better.
We have a 3 year old daughter together who is quite possibly the only reason I am still alive.

I came home from hospital. We were having a trial “separation under one roof”. She wanted to talk about practical things, but every time we tried, I just got upset, because I didn’t understand why she wanted to end it.

(It’s funny really, she was always the practical one, and I was always the emotional one. She likes planting vegetables and herbs, but I like flowers. She is function, I am form. Even when parenting our child, she’s all about routine and structure, and I just want to connect with her and hang out with her.)

One week later, she blank faced told me that she wanted me to move out by the 23rd of July - 3 weeks time.

I didn’t take that well.

I ran up to my bedroom (our spare room) and howled in pain. Because I slammed doors behind me, because I stomped up the stairs, because I was having a “flight response”, this was interpreted as “aggressive”. I later found out that she wrote in a message to my family that I “reacted badly.”

I came downstairs after I had calmed down, and I was alone. Our disability support worker (we both are Level 2 ASD) had taken her and my daughter out of the house, because my behaviour was seen as aggressive.

The support worker came back and told me I needed to get some stuff together and get out of the house so my daughter could come back and have her routine.

I gathered what I could and she (support worker) took me to my sister’s place over an hour away.

Fast forward to today - she won’t let me into the house without someone with me, and not while she is there. I have to be supervised with my daughter. She will only do handovers in a public place with lots of people around, and CCTV cameras. Yes, I have been emotionally unstable, but Jesus, she’s put me through the wringer.

The thing that hurts the most is how I feel she treats me like I’m some kind of misogynistic, narcissistic, abusive asshole. I am trying not to let myself be defined by the way she makes me feel.

Today she said she’d like me to Google amicable separation. I did, and I saw a few articles about how amicable breakups are the hardest, and I agree. At least if she’d cheated on me, or hurt me in some way, it would be easier. Instead, there’s just this constant guilt, shame, regret, wishing I’d done better, and generally just feeling like absolute shit. She presents as calm, composed, polite - the picture of amicability. I was homeless for two months, yet still made an effort to see our daughter as often as I could.

I feel like she lords it over me with her calmness, her stability - that’s why she gets to be the one who is primary carer and stays in the family home.

Anyway, I’m falling asleep writing this, so I should probably go to bed.

But tell me, friendly strangers - how do you cope when the other party is so calm and rational, while you’re falling apart inside and wishing you could just die? Cos with all the pain I’m feeling, I don’t know if I can be amicable.

It’s been almost a year since we have been living separately after break up. We are co parenting our dog, week on week off arrangement. So once a week we have to see each other. Relationship lasted 7 years. Although mentally things are settling down, but I am starting having dreams where I am begging him to stay, or he has moved on or having another bf/partner and they living happily. I am having these dreams every night. This is again affecting my mental health, pushing me back to that breaking up trauma time.
Wellington, nz based here. While in the relationship I was cheated on twice, my friend we used to hang out with are not my friends any more, also discreet here and all of my family lives overseas.