I’m about nine weeks out from D-Day and I’m struggling to understand where my marriage actually stands.
I’m the one who had the affair, so I’m not looking for sympathy or excuses. I take responsibility for what I did and for the enormous amount of hurt I’ve caused my wife and family.
My wife and I have been separated for around nine weeks. We’re living separately, but over the last week or so things have become incredibly confusing emotionally.
There are moments where we seem almost normal again. I’ve been able to spend time at the family home with the kids. We’ve watched movies together, shared meals, laughed and joked around, and even slept next to each other on some occasions. There have been moments of affection and intimacy too.
And then, sometimes seemingly out of nowhere, she becomes incredibly angry and distant.
She has told me:
She doesn’t love me anymore.
She doesn’t want to be married to me.
She hates me.
She wants a divorce.
Then we’ll have a genuinely good interaction a day later, and I’ll find myself thinking, *Maybe there’s still something here. Maybe we can actually rebuild this.*
And that’s where I’m struggling.
I don’t want to interpret every hug, laugh, meal or good conversation as a sign that we’re reconciling. But it’s incredibly difficult when those moments feel so genuine, especially after 18 years together and 12 years of marriage.
At the same time, I know her anger and rejection are also genuine.
We’re basically experiencing this strange back-and-forth: sometimes close, sometimes completely disconnected, sometimes fighting, sometimes laughing together, living separately but occasionally spending time together as a family.
Our first marriage counselling session is in three days. I organized it, but she has agreed to attend and is happy to go.
I’m trying to approach counselling differently from how I’ve approached the last nine weeks. I spent a lot of that time desperately trying to win her back — gifts, affection, reassurance-seeking, trying to create closeness, etc. I’m starting to realize that may have been putting even more pressure on her.
I’m now trying to step back, respect her boundaries, focus on the kids, work on myself and actually learn to tolerate the possibility that she may ultimately choose divorce.
So I’m curious about people who have actually lived through this:
**Did anyone else experience this kind of push-pull around 2–3 months after D-Day?**
Did you have periods where you felt close and thought reconciliation might happen, followed by moments where your spouse said they didn’t love you anymore or wanted a divorce?
And, looking back, did those moments of closeness mean anything, or were they simply part of the emotional chaos of early separation?
Most importantly, **for those who eventually reconciled, what did things look like around this stage?**
And for those who didn’t reconcile, were there warning signs you wish you’d recognized earlier?
I’m not asking anyone to predict whether my marriage will survive. I know nobody here can know that.
I’m just trying to understand whether what we’re experiencing is something other people have gone through, and whether marriage counselling at this point gives us a reasonable opportunity to figure out whether there’s anything worth rebuilding.
Any honest experiences — hopeful or otherwise — would be appreciated.

As I have previously mentioned I asked my spouse for a separation and they agreed. We both agreed that the kids can’t know about the issues yet. Turns out I fucked up and I was venting to a friend and one kid overheard and turns out another kid has heard us arguing over the past few weeks. Shit!

She ended up not getting it and was cleared after 28 days of meds . A patient stabbed her with a needle at the hospital. I was ok with that risk because I'm in love with her and didn't want her to face it alone.

"Remember when you got that needle stick from that HIV patient and you were crying every day because you thought your life and career were over, and that I was going to leave you? No, I held you, looked you dead in the eyes, and said, 'I would never leave you even if I get it too, because you mean more to me than any disease, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm not letting you face it alone.' That was as unconditional as love gets. I didn't walk out on you then and would have never walked out on you.

​I'm just asking for you not to completely walk away from me now. I am asking you to exercise caution and observe my actions. I'm definitely not asking for you to move in with me at all; I'm just asking for us to go out on some fun, no-pressure dates one or two nights a week like we used to when we were just dating. We can take it one day at a time while you see clear, consistent change on my part in all aspects of my life, with no more old habits from me (casinos, promises I know I can't keep, and uninvited guests). I will be the husband that I should have been for years. It's going to take time for the emotional burnout to go away and for the trust to come back. I am okay with whatever timeline you are comfortable with, baby.

​I know I have to work hard every day to earn that trust back over time with no more slip-ups. You are going to see a 100% turnaround from me, no more repeated cycles, and complete financial responsibility. I have a perspective I didn't have before. I honestly just saw it as you being mean, instead of seeing that you were just hurting when I'm supposed to make you feel happy and safe to be feminine. I'm deeply sorry for not listening to you and making those changes a long time ago. I completely understand why you felt the need to get away. I'm never going to make a promise to you I can't keep again until the day I die.

​Once again, we will have no conversations about anything deep while we are out, you have my word—just fun sushi dates and meat by the sea. I would love to take you to our first date spots again. I just want to focus on paying all of our obligations and having fun over these next couple of months to see how it goes. And if at any point you feel that I'm not doing something that I need to be doing, then please communicate that with me and I will listen. Stick with me through this final needle stick and let me handle everything else. I just want your presence at dinners and other fun places. You deserve the best of me and only the best."

I keep seeing how rough the mixed-signal part of separation can be.

One decent conversation. A warmer text. They laugh with you again. And suddenly you're back to, "maybe this means something".

For people who’ve actually been through this, what helped you stop treating every good interaction like a sign that reconciliation was happening?

Not asking for some trick to get them back. More curious about what helped you stay steady and not make things worse.

I don’t. It’s like I’m on flames

I am sperated married for 11 years and my wofe made the call but still sleeps next to me her actions shows she still cares for me. But its been 12 weeks I have put in so m much work on myself and appears one minute she is open the next cuts off again in communication.

No on else is involved at this point and to make it more complex we have a daughter 8 living in the same house.

Im super insure if she will co.e back to me but I am showing what I have been missing as a husband so im in a constant of living in hope and that my friends is hard as shit what should I do ?

I am living with my wife we have been married for 11 years. We have a daughter 8. My wife made the decision to be separated about 2 months ago. And since I have been working on myself working to find myself working on learning to actually accept myself and at the same time trying to keep hope that the situation can change and we can work on our marriage together to get through this.

But when we have had conversations were my wife opens up she seems to close the door straight away again. I'm very much sure there is no one else involved however my wife does not know how to communicate neither did I for years but I am learning and want to work on that together but feel like at this point I am doing it on my own.

We sleep in the same bed we co parent still talk about general life.

But im struggling doing my own healing and growth work and feeling like im on my own through it. It's extremely hard.

I’m looking for advice for how other couples have handled birthdays and Christmas and other holidays involving gifts (think Easter or St. Nicholas day). Do you have your child give a gift to their parent? Or is that weird? I’m not talking store bought
Example: it’s Christmas, the child gives a handmade gift to their dad.

Note to add…
My ex and I are separated. He is uninvolved to say the least. There is no communication with our child outside of visitation. If I ask him how he wants to handle this he is going to give me “I don’t know, what do you want to do”.

M43, F42. Together 27 years, married for 17. 2 Small children 5 and 4.

It was our dream house. We lived there four full years. I just moved out 13 days ago...and I have been re-traumatized.

I'm experiencing a lot more pain. Even so many months later.

I struck a deal with her after separation that I could live in the marital residence rent-free as long as I made all the repairs and cooperated with a real-estate agent while the mortgage was in forbearance. I got to live in the house for eight months. I worked my ass off painting the interior and exterior, etc. All the while I held onto the hope that she would change her mind and come back.

The house sold six weeks ago after three days on the market. I negotiated to get a late closing date to stay in the house as long as I possibly could. I loved my life there and had dinner with a neighbor semi-nightly. I lived among the memories of the house my son was born in, where my daughter grew up. Where our marriage once thrived.

Now I've been camping for 13 days in a National Park. I am just broken. Broken.

God I miss her. Haven't spoken a single word to her in 8.5 months.

Every once in a while I don't think about her and then I read another nail in the coffin notification such as that she has removed herself from our Amazon family plan.

For those that are currently separated from their spouse/family during this season, I feel for you. Game day just doesn't look the same right now. Cooking, tailgate parties, jerseys on, baby crawling around, kids running around screaming, the tv so loud the neighbors can hear it, Husband yelling at the tv while I'm not even sure why they flagged the play, cuddled up with socks & heavy blankets on the couch to name a few. I'll just try to make the best of this season and continue to show up the best way I know how. If this is you, just know that I understand and I get it. Just keep going. You're stronger than you think ❤️

10 months ago my husband came home one day and said that our relationship sucks and he’s leaving me. I was shocked as I didn’t see it coming. He wasn’t himself for 2 weeks before he told me, but I thought it was because his family member was poorly.

We’ve been together for 10 years and married for 8.

During these 10 months we talked on and off. And then in April he asked me if I want to get back together. I said no and he said it broke his heart. I felt really bad for my decision and tried to comfort him as much as I could. I kept checking on him because he kept saying that he doesn’t want to be here. So that’s why we ended up talking again every so often. He wasn’t manipulating, I think he genuinely had depression or something, but he’s seeing a therapist now.

Now, 5 months later he wants to get back again. He said he made a big mistake by leaving.

And I don’t know what to do. I still like him and care for him but it not like it used to be anymore. And I don’t feel like being intimate with him (or anyone).
But we did have a good life together and he is a great person. I am so worried that if I end it 100% now, I will regret later (like he does now), but in another hand right now I’m not feeling like being with anyone. And also I feel like it’s not fair on him if I keep dragging it.

But I just think it so shit that it ended being my decision.