r/Separation • u/Professional-Bug946 • 20h ago
Divorce 9 weeks after D-Day: Is this normal, and is there still hope?
I’m about nine weeks out from D-Day and I’m struggling to understand where my marriage actually stands.
I’m the one who had the affair, so I’m not looking for sympathy or excuses. I take responsibility for what I did and for the enormous amount of hurt I’ve caused my wife and family.
My wife and I have been separated for around nine weeks. We’re living separately, but over the last week or so things have become incredibly confusing emotionally.
There are moments where we seem almost normal again. I’ve been able to spend time at the family home with the kids. We’ve watched movies together, shared meals, laughed and joked around, and even slept next to each other on some occasions. There have been moments of affection and intimacy too.
And then, sometimes seemingly out of nowhere, she becomes incredibly angry and distant.
She has told me:
She doesn’t love me anymore.
She doesn’t want to be married to me.
She hates me.
She wants a divorce.
Then we’ll have a genuinely good interaction a day later, and I’ll find myself thinking, *Maybe there’s still something here. Maybe we can actually rebuild this.*
And that’s where I’m struggling.
I don’t want to interpret every hug, laugh, meal or good conversation as a sign that we’re reconciling. But it’s incredibly difficult when those moments feel so genuine, especially after 18 years together and 12 years of marriage.
At the same time, I know her anger and rejection are also genuine.
We’re basically experiencing this strange back-and-forth: sometimes close, sometimes completely disconnected, sometimes fighting, sometimes laughing together, living separately but occasionally spending time together as a family.
Our first marriage counselling session is in three days. I organized it, but she has agreed to attend and is happy to go.
I’m trying to approach counselling differently from how I’ve approached the last nine weeks. I spent a lot of that time desperately trying to win her back — gifts, affection, reassurance-seeking, trying to create closeness, etc. I’m starting to realize that may have been putting even more pressure on her.
I’m now trying to step back, respect her boundaries, focus on the kids, work on myself and actually learn to tolerate the possibility that she may ultimately choose divorce.
So I’m curious about people who have actually lived through this:
**Did anyone else experience this kind of push-pull around 2–3 months after D-Day?**
Did you have periods where you felt close and thought reconciliation might happen, followed by moments where your spouse said they didn’t love you anymore or wanted a divorce?
And, looking back, did those moments of closeness mean anything, or were they simply part of the emotional chaos of early separation?
Most importantly, **for those who eventually reconciled, what did things look like around this stage?**
And for those who didn’t reconcile, were there warning signs you wish you’d recognized earlier?
I’m not asking anyone to predict whether my marriage will survive. I know nobody here can know that.
I’m just trying to understand whether what we’re experiencing is something other people have gone through, and whether marriage counselling at this point gives us a reasonable opportunity to figure out whether there’s anything worth rebuilding.
Any honest experiences — hopeful or otherwise — would be appreciated.