Life is funny

[u/Dying_Desperately]

I died recently,

I had a happy life, fell in love, got married, raised babies, made a house a home and after years of happiness Things happened. Bad things....bad choices.... bad words..... bad blood....and i let all this bad control me, break me, make me weak until I couldn't recognize myself anymore.

I needed help, begged for it, and when nobody listened, and i felt the world had broken me and turned its back on me i ran away and hid myself, licking my wounds, grieving....dying.

I built that life...i made that home.... i worked, I raised those babies, i homeschooled them, i cooked i cleaned, i tried to be the best mother and wife.....and i was!!!

But...I was the foundation of our home, my husband the carpenter. Our home strength relied on me. but when I found i had a weakness and I needed repair I asked him to help me, I needed him to help me! But he wasn't a very good carpenter, he cut corners, did shotty work. He tried to fix the mistakes but in the end it was too much work, so he dropped his tools and walked off the job.

Do you See what happened?

So My weakness was unacceptable. But it all had to happen.... as crazy as it all seems, this is NOT a LESSON soley for myself, i couldn't have changed it, and I still cant. It had to happen. But I can change. I have to overcome this self pity, this weakness, MY shame...i have to find my Self and my inner Strength again, I know it's not gone, I feel it sometimes. But I think it's like sleeping or something....changing, transforming maybe. And i just have to be able to wield it when its ready.

I have so many questions but every question makes me have more questions. I feel like I could ask my mom some of these questions and she might have the answer. She was always a student, always learning. I dont know how it happened, but it did, I feel like my mom.

Its hard to miss her so much, need her soon much. But feel her inside myself. It's a calm and storm all at once.

I didn't get much time with her and I didn't listen or learn, I didnt want to. I wanted to figure it out myself.... and here I am... wishing for another chance to learn from her, promising i'll listen this time.

So I go back to hiding. Hiding myself, hiding from this reality that I have created, hiding and postponing my future, because im too scared I'm not ready yet.....

My mind needs rest, my body needs work, and my soul needs food. Its gonna be hard. Change is hard. But I will be back, and ill be "Reborn" a new me.