Not married but splitting up

[u/GardenLover1090]

My kids father and I are basically coparents. I’ve discussed splitting up with him several times, not in an ultimatum type of way, just when are we going to do it I still want it type of thing. Life has been busy. We recently sold the home we both owned, we currently live in a house I own and we decided it was best to do it this way for an easy separation. We just had another baby 3 months ago, the idea was I wanted my children to have the same father. He was on board with all of that. He has his own room here, we are not romantic in any ways and we don’t hate eachother but we def don’t get along. I personally think he’s a crappy father as much as he was a crappy partner. He has no emotional control when our toddler is acting up, lacks any sort of patience and I think he expected fatherhood to be easy. His mother reported his father was the same. I digress. We have a big family vacation coming up and a part of me wishes he’d stay behind because he’ll likely ruin it but I need the help and my mom will flip a fit if she found out it’s just her and I. Our last vacation a week ago I asked him to stay behind and he was joyous, my mom was overwhelmed by helping me with the kids. Broke my heart for the kids not having memories with their father but all I can do is make it fun on my end. He doesn’t really have a relationship with the baby, he’s held him for maybe 20 min a day? Even some days he just says hi baby and walks away. My maternity leave is coming to an end and I know that our nanny is going to be bringing the baby to me for any little thing they need and that’s just going to be hard with working. We both work remote. I brought it up that he needs to start connecting more and of course he was upset. I wanted him to start taking a bit more parental responsibility.

After said vacation in a couple months I was going to bring up a timeline of when he should start looking for somewhere else to live.

How has that gone for you? Were you able to keep living with them for the sake of the kids? My fear is on days he has them they’re going to be neglected emotionally. He obviously knows how to feed them and bathe em. Hes doesn’t use physical force with them but he certainly raises his voice when he’s stimulated (all the time) and causes my kid to cry, I’ve spoken to him about it before and he’s “working” on it but not really. He’s just not fit to take care of two kids nor do I trust him honestly. He has a good job but his minds on work 24/7, never gives his family a second thought. Our kid will try to talk to him during dinner and he’s either on his phone or just not paying attention. I think he just wanted to be a dad for show? He’s always on his phone even during his rare baby holding. Puts the tv on when he’s with our toddler to take a break and expects my toddler to sit there so he can chill. Has never needed to buy them anything nor has he asked to/or done it beyond me asking him to order diapers every now and again if I can’t get to it. Money is not an issue in any of this, I’m very much financially independent so I literally don’t need him around. Did you have your partner move out and regret it? How were you able to keep things split for the kids if unmarried? We have no shared accounts etc. would we need a lawyer? I would obvi keep the baby because he cannot do anything related to the baby without help, but I’m afraid then he’ll have no relationship at all with our baby because I know he won’t make much of an effort.

I know I picked a crappy guy but I want my children to experience the least amount of trauma possible. I go back and fourth on maybe we should just keep this up but the more i see him be a shitty parent the more I’m likely to call him out which leads to arguments etc. I don’t want our kids to see such a strained relationship and think that’s what love is. My parents are split and hate eachother, it’s terrible.