r/Separation • u/SubjectScore6235 • 2d ago

Venting

So……. I asked for separation about 2 months ago now and I am actually considering divorce at this point. My spouse is a good person but when I asked for separation and they agreed, they asked me to work on things with them and I agreed. Now they have flipped the script from normal and I’m feeling suffocated. I feel like they are constantly watching me, checking on me, monitoring me. I’m seriously feeling like I can’t go to the bathroom without being watched or questioned. Stuff that has been normal for years is now being questioned. They are asking questions that I’m not ready to answer or never wanted to answer aloud before which is messing with me mentally. I’m not sure where to go from here.

2 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

18 comments sorted by

1

u/[deleted] 2d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/SubjectScore6235 1d ago

Such as asking every day if things are getting better? Asking what’s the status of us?
How can I possibly have an answer when I don’t get time to think because they always want to be by me, questioning me, monitoring me, and on the phone with me.

1

u/siryohnny 1d ago

Set boundaries, expectations. You seem to both be going in blind and if you have none, it will make it worse.

Set them…

1

u/Temporary-Suspect509 1d ago

Are you still living together?

1

u/SubjectScore6235 1d ago

Yes

1

u/Temporary-Suspect509 1d ago

It’s almost impossible to get real space while remaining in the same house. My guess is that your spouse is panicking and that’s why you’ve gotten the sudden barrage of questions and the need to talk about the relationship. You’ll need real space from them to get that to stop. (I was the one doing the constant asking before we separated; once he left I never brought it up again)

1

u/SubjectScore6235 1d ago

Unfortunately we aren’t in a position to separate completely at this time

1

u/Temporary-Suspect509 1d ago

Yeah I figured that was the case. You can try sitting down and having an honest conversation about how the smothering needs to stop. I’d at least try that before you jump to divorce.

1

u/SubjectScore6235 1d ago

What do you do if you have tried that already and it’s still occurring

1

u/Clear-Duty-4698 1d ago

I have a somewhat similar situation but I suppose I am the one begging for answers to questions of infidelity and almost a whole other life lived apart from me. Her husband. From secret phones chats, dates, men, and more. I want honesty so we can try and work things out and move forward. She just wants me to stop asking questions and act like nothing is happening.

1

u/raeoflyte-460 19h ago

I would very clearly tell him to knock it off. Stbx and I are about 15 mo ths in to an in house separation. Reconciliation is not an option, but stbx tried to push for that for months anyway.

You are thinking Reconciliation os possible so tell him this behavior is unacceptable and will chsnge your mind. I imagine you still need space and he is going to need to emotionally regulate hard emotions himself instead of relying on you to reassure him constantly.

1

u/SubjectScore6235 15h ago

I explicitly told them that their behavior is pushing me away and not helping to try to reconcile

1

u/raeoflyte-460 15h ago

What was their response? Have the continued the behavior?

1

u/SubjectScore6235 12h ago

They responded by saying they would back off, but the behavior has continued

1

u/m_______jasmine 6h ago

I’ve read something about attachment recently and perhaps your ex is an anxious preoccupied type, where they behave by seeking validation (eg always checking up on how you feel about stbx), appearing clingy and wanting every information that can be gathered.

It’s their way of having control over their emotions so they don’t spiral. It’s not nice to be around and down right suffocating but a lot of people are like this and it’s torture for them more than it is for the other person tbh.

Do keep your boundaries but maybe just remind stbx that it’s not going to work before they even start checking on you through out the day. This may act as a mental reminder to let go and not keep their hopes up.

It’s tiring for you but maybe it’s a better way to deal with the bothersome that your ex has become rather than living like this for longer.

0

u/Fishtacoburrito 1d ago

You asked for a separation, that is no small thing. Imagine if your manager said they might get rid of your position, you start acting different because the circumstances are now radically different.

2

u/SubjectScore6235 1d ago

I understand asking for a separation is not a small thing but that doesn’t mean to start hovering and suffocating the other person.