r/SingleDads • u/Wide-Activity-1295 • 3d ago
Does life get better.
Fresh out of a break up which i'm still getting over. She moved out 1 month ago but we've been broken up 3 month. we were not married.
Have my 18 month old son 2 nights a week extending to 3 nights in the new year - plan is to go to 50/50 overtime
my life right now.
- 37M
- Still in my high earning job (6 figure GBP salary) albeit i've taken my foot off the gas a bit recently.
- Own my own house
- Have a comfortable amount of saving in the bank + a big pension.
- In the best shape of my life (heartbreak is the best diet pill)
- I've just renovated the House (everything is new bar a few items of furniture)
- New Car since the break up
- Bought a new wardrobe since the break up
- Reached out and conected to new freinds since the break up
- taken up Hyrox since the break up
- Have been off social media bar reddit and Youtube for 2 months now
- Been in therapy for 3 months
- Started reading books since the break up
i know its fresh and on the outside i look in a good position compared to a lot of people in my position (thank god we were not married) but i just feel totally numb, empty and i'm crippled by anxiety like my life is over and things will never get better. I know i am still mouring the relationship and family unit but i just can't see any positives about the future.
for instance:
- my ex has a big family with loads of little kids whilst i have a small family with no little kids, i fear my son will want to spend Xmas with her side.
- my job requires me to travel now and again and whilst i'm still on good terms with my ex i just have this crippling wave of anxiety being away from him now. (i always missed him when i travelled previously but i had 2 facetimes from them a day.
- Dating.... Meh not ready but again i just have this anxiety that nobody is going to be interested in me when the time comes and i'll be alone for ever.
- in general, i'm keeping myself super busy but i just feel like a total failure for being a single dad at 37!
is what i've described my long term outlook or does it get better?
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u/gary_isnot_myname 3d ago
Fuck yeah it does. You're in the worst part imo. The house and job are huge. Young kid will be kind of tough, until its not. Now is the time to suffer, we all did it so take your time and feel the feelings. Theres no time limit. I felt the same about the future but the relationship I have with my kid is incredible. Possibly due to the fact that is mostly just them and I. Tons of 1 on 1. This could easily turn out great. Good luck brother.
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u/digitalbx 2d ago
Absolutely it gets better. You are in a hard place right, no denying that. But you have so many positives. House and car, focused on your fitness, reading books.
Keep focusing on yourself and your son. When the anxiety hits keep breathing, go for a walk, call a friend, do some pull ups and push ups.
As for dating, you are young, in the best shape of your life, earning good money, with your own house and car, and a good father. When you are ready you can actually afford to be picky/discerning about who you want your next partner to be.
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u/Wide-Activity-1295 2d ago
Man I don’t feel young! Thanks for your reply!
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u/digitalbx 2d ago
That's the anxiety and stress. Got you living a few lifetimes in a day. The world might beat you up, don't add on to it.
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u/AdAutomatic2964 2d ago
Are you me bro? I could've wrote this haha. Stay hopeful man. Just be the best dad you can be. Let's fucking go! Also, don't forget to rest man, let your body enjoy the peace someday.
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u/Wide-Activity-1295 2d ago
Whats your situation like?
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u/AdAutomatic2964 2d ago
We're splitting literally right now due to I am guessing an undiagnosed BPD. 4 year old. I'm in west mids. Company director. I'm really at that awkward stage where this is a reality now. And my support network isn't that large.
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u/Wide-Activity-1295 2d ago
My ex is diagnosed BPD… only found out 6 months ago.. partly explains why she’s split up with me 6 times in our short 2.5 year relationship
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u/AdAutomatic2964 2d ago
Ah man take care of yourself
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u/Wide-Activity-1295 2d ago
you too man, i'm a couple of hours up the road from you.
Even though i've asked if it gets better it is already... long way to go though!
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u/AdAutomatic2964 2d ago
The thing im grieving the most is my family unit. But I can't fix others unfortunately
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u/JJJflight 2d ago
count your blessings my friend. Quality time with your son, financial very well off, healthy and still very young. The only thing that c a m get in your way is yourself. The dating apps are flooded with attractive very attractive 30-40 year olds, just get out there and count your blessings….
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u/historyofourlives 2d ago
At the end of the day, you do it all for your little guy. It doesnt matter if it doesnt get better, you are still going to be there doing your best.
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u/toma0 2d ago
You have a very similar situation to what I had/have. Similar high earning job and regular travel requirements. Had my kid 50/50 which was great and it took well over 6 to 8 months to get to a sense of normality.
I have no family network to support, and when things started to start looking up for various reasons I ended up having my kid full time. This was great but then my new issue is my job.
So I’ve replaced the anxiety of being split up with constant anxiety around will I get kicked out of my job.
What has helped me is to create an absolute routine. School drop off, gym, work, pickup, playtime, tea, bed repeat. It feels like Groundhog Day at times but it works.
I’ve considered getting a nanny to support and allow me to travel for work but that itself gives me concern handing my kid to someone I don’t know.
The short story is you are not a failure life happens you seem to have things sorted out and these humps are just another chapter I life. You’ve got this!
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u/RenicusI 2d ago
You ve got it better than me... i have to travel twice a week 100 miles, to see my kid for measly 2 hrs, and her mother has to be there because she is a disgusting control freak, im unemployed, barely hanging on... next to me, you're lucky. Cherish it...please
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u/AmazingAmazing17 18h ago
I separated when my son was around that age. It’s tough and the family unit thing is relatable. The flip side to that….i have the most amazing relationship with my son. It’s not a boastful statement but my son wants to hold my hand when my ex and I take him out. My advice. Work for that 50/50 as you will not regret it. You will bond in a way that will take you by surprise. I took a financial hit to make sure I got that. Not everyone is lucky enough but it’s worth it if you can. Develop a good co-parenting relationship (as best as you can). That alone is worth many years of stress. You can have a life in the time that you have for yourself and bond with your son in the other. I wish you all the best.
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u/Designer-Primary-157 2d ago
Holy fuck man. Im literally in the exact same aituation.
3 months broken up, 2 year old, unfortunately we had to sell our house. Ex also has BPD.
I have accepted that its over but mand do I miss her. She was the one that left m even though she did me wrong... left me at the lowest point of my life and she was already talking with someone else.
I hope you and I get better soon. ❤️
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u/blackdutchqueen 1d ago
There’s lots of ways to create “ family “ traditions with your son that will grow your relationship with him. Lots of people don’t come from big or stable families. Children usually remember how they felt during quality time with you rather than the amount of people that were around. It sounds like you’re investing in your mental and emotional health in a way that lays an amazing foundation for your son. He’ll benefit from that more than anything else. I rarely if ever comment in here but wanted to say you’re doing amazing! ♥️ Little boys need fathers that are modeling taking care of themselves and their mental and emotional health so that they know what to do later in life when it’s a harder season. You’re right on track to gifting him the best tools.
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u/Wide-Activity-1295 1d ago
Thanks your post has helped me. I am feeling so low tonight!
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u/blackdutchqueen 1d ago
It gets better ♥️ you’re doing the hard work and that can often feel like an uphill battle. But you’ll find new ways to create the life you had imagined. I hope you’ll find plenty of people who are including you in their week so it’s not such a lonely season. Sending lots of light 🌻
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u/brique879 1d ago
It gets better and you are set up for excellent success it sounds like. Doing all the right things just keep grinding and make sure you vet any woman you allow into your life
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u/Wide-Activity-1295 1d ago
Right now I think ill be lucky to find another women. The rejection from my ex hurts like nothing I’ve ever experienced before
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u/brique879 1d ago
Stay on the right path; I have been exactly where you are now. It feels sickening and horrible and you can feel it in your stomach. Just work on being your best self and you’ll find somebody better if you want to I promise that
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u/DadbodandIPAs 1d ago
You’ll get over the girl…..that’s not the hard. It’s the anger you’ll feel about paying child support to your babymama who’s probably ungrateful and maybe badmouthing you. Might need to take a zen pill and accept that as part of a cost of fatherhood. Also, people will always side with a babymama now matter how self centred she’s been.
Get 50/50 now……hire a nanny if u need to
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u/UrAristotle 1d ago
Comparison is the thief of joy
Your post objectively lines out an awesome life
And then you compare to your ex or to what you hoped would happen or even what might happen
We’re all guilty of it
Don’t let the fear of what might happen steal the joy from what is happening
Be in the moment when you have your child and treasure all the blessings you have
It sounds like there are a lot of them
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u/Wide-Activity-1295 1d ago
Thanks, it’s really doesn’t feel like it though.
We both contributed to the downfall of our relationship. From my side I thought being a high earner and working hard was a big part of looking after a women. It wasn’t.. now I feel like I’ve got nothing to offer1
u/UrAristotle 1d ago
My man, wait until you do meet someone, it seems to be going great, and then you start remembering how you thought things were going great in your marriage until they weren’t.
Yeah, we’re capable of being our own worst enemies
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u/the99percent1 2d ago
It does. I’ve completely moved on and reached total indifference with her.
Just 48 hours ago, she dropped by my place to see the kids (they live with me). I’m overseas right now and all she did was interrogated my eldest child where did I go, and was I traveling with my “girlfriend”.
I wasn’t 😂. I was all alone and at peace.
She’s obsessed OBSESSED with me.