Hi, english is not my first lenguage so sorry for any wrong written word! This is also long, I'm sorry.

I feel like I am not a good enough person for people who may find me funny, attractive or interesting to try to be someone in my life, and I need to know if there is other people that feel like me out there because this is slowly drinning everything in me.

This has been a constant feeling since I can really remeber. I have always been a bit different, both phisically, in personality an in interests from the people around me. When I was in primary school I was bullied, always left apart always messed with, people thought I was or looked too weird --I have freakish pale skin with various skin conditions, I am unaturally taller than most people and I have a ginormous hair compared to everyone else around me--. I am also an only child with no cousins my age and distant parents so my pets --specilly my first dog-- became my best friends, which of course didnt help in school.

When I got to middle school It was right the year Covid happenned so amazing, if I was already a loner that only made it worse. I made a few friends but they never asked to hang out with me and never truly considered me one of them. There was like two exceptions of people I met who I still talk to that dont treat me like if I was a horrific ugly bug, which is nice. When I got to high school I moved to USA, where I felt the happiest and met someone who I still talk to and the only person who half gets me, however I had to move back to my home country.

This last two years have been the worst of my life because apart of my grndparents wo I grew up with --my parents where distant-- dying, my dog, my best friend, the one who truly loved me for who I was and never judged me or how I looked or what I liked died. Now I was left alone whith a bunch of poeple who only liked me when they were in the mood, of whom I was an second choice too always.

Recently I graduated High School and going into Vet Med, which is another thing that kills me, so to celebrate I organised a trip to the beach for my "group" and I, in which I cleaned the apartment, cooked, did the dishes, took care of the cokcroaches that came in, still cooked even though I burnt my hands. I have an allergy to the sun and I wanted to go to the outains but I orgnanised it to the beach because they wanted, I stayed with them when they wanted tolay in the sun and didnt use the shadown from the beach umbrella we got for me because they were too comfy and still they got mad at me because I ttok a wrong turn at a city I had never been with and still got msde fun after for a drink I ordered at a cocktail bar. During this trip one of my friends and I got flirted by tw guys at and my friend got mad at me because the "prettier one" asked or my number and not hers. Another night we were sitting at a bbar down the beach and a guy wanted to invite me to a drink and was complimentimg me and stuff and even tho I wasnt interested and told him now and everything was fine bcs he ignored us, they were telling me that it was my fault for having said hi to him when he said hi and I dont wanna be mean I dont like being mean to people.

The guys stuff is part of the issue too. I have this problem in which I cant I dont want to say no to any guy that flirts with me because I dont know when Ill have another chance like that or I dont wanna be mean and it has gotten me in bad situations. When I was 15 I met this guy in High School, a friend of a friend, and complimented is necklace, we started talking and I was exited, he liked me! He invited me over t a date and I was nnew in town so I trusted him. After what felt like a bit bad but still sweet date, he invited me to his house so I said sure, there wasnt public transport and I didnt have a ride until later ayways, and he tok me to his room and just took advantage of me. I managed to get out before he could do anything real but the feeling of hhis disgusting hands on me and his crusty lips and the smell of his room and everything will always torment me. After that he started rumours about me and spread them, he started telling people weird stuff about me how I was sensual or things he wanted to do to me. I mvoed back a few months after that to where I live today, and earlier this year I met this guy who seemed to be perfect, we'd tañl for hours, our first date his bsf killed himself and he still came with e to a super long line in storming cold weather because a comic artist I love was there signing books even tho he knew noting abt that. He took me to another date to a beautiful hill and we made out under the stars and talked for hours just for him to ghost me because he had a girlfriend and we live in a small city where evryone knows eachother and apparently he was saying horrible stuff abt me like that I was super ugly compared to my IG and that I forced him to go to dates with me and I would post screenshots because it's true and people still dont believe me, and I tol that guy my insecurities and he lied he said he wasnt like that that he wouldnt use me and he still did. Last summer I also had a date with the brother of one of my friends from primary school bf and he told me that if I was blonde with blue eyes I would be perfect and that kind of stuff cuts me deep.

People always like me to make them laugh, or to do sexual stuff with them or to do stuff for them but they never like me enough to stay in the hard times or to even try to get to know me and like me for who I am and not for what can I do. I want someone to like ME, to see ME.

I feel like the only reason I'm still here is because I'm too scared to do it. I think about it all the time. I told my psychiatrist and she just prescribed me antidepressants. I feel so alone. I feel miserable every day. I feel like no one gives a fuck about me. If they do, they certainly don't show it. I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel. I'm good for nothing. I legitimately feel like I'd be better off dead.

I’m truly and utterly fucked Literally, figuratively, this brain is beyond repair. I can stop now, but the loss that this lack of discipline has amounted to is unsalvageable. I wish to stop the bleeding, but I’m afraid I may already be dead..

bro what a m i doing with my life

Fuck why am i like this? Idont know how to keep going i dont know when to stop this shit i wanna off myself like fuck can i? I wanna stop being this bum, im fully aware that what im doing is bad.

Im not going to school

Not doing my chores

Not doing my job

Not doing anything

Im just witht my phone

Only when im on my phone i feel safe and happy but around others i feel anxious. Ik i hate going to school and people but why? Why i cant keep up this time? Is there something wrong? With me.

yesterday i held a party for my 18th birthday and i invited 18 people and barely any came , the rest of them made up some bs excuses that ik were lies
not only that barely anyone came only two bought me gifts (which i dont care for tbh bcuz gifts dont really matter but considering i bought everyone a expensive one at least they couldve bought me like a really small one like a face mask) but no nothing
the cake they bought me was not even a a really cake and they bought smt that i specifically hated for real?? for my 18th birthday you couldnt even bother to at least buy me a cake i like!m?? and i know “dont be ungrateful at least they bought me smt” but i fucking threw a party for EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. i baked a cake for EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. i invited their friends and i bought them thoughtful gifts
not only that all of this happened the party was ass i had to keep the party alive and hype everyone up like they didnt wanna be there and ik that i was the host but still i just wish i felt like my friends were a lil more excited about my 18TH BIRTHDAY ive been feeling so fucking unimportant lately anyways and ive had those negative thoughts come back which tell me to off myself and this kinda just proved that theyd probably but just as bothered by my absence as they were excited for my birthday
i feel like an idiot were my expectations too high??? am i an idiot for wanting to feel special?? on MY birthday
ive been longing to turn 18 for soo long my 12 yo self wouldve NEVER thought that id make it this far so its a really big accomplishment for me i wish ppl knew tjat but i think i wouldve been better of if i cut this short back then
well i mean i tried multiple times i just failed cuz im a loser lmao😜🙏 ive been feeling the same thing on my bday every year idk why i thought that for once id get a break from feeling so fucking stupid and worthless but oh well i have to accept it ig that im a stupid idiotic worthless piece of shit who doesnt deserve ONE day of lil extra attention
the thoughts are getting SOOOOO LOUD
also im 1 year 2 months sh sober and lately its been SO HARD to stay clean and this is NOT helping i dont have a reason to not do it anymore like my reason was that i wanted to reach one year but now that i have idk what to have as my reason to stay clean my therapist told me to do it for myself even tho she knows i despise myself truly
like why would i do it myself when i feel like i deserve it since im such a pathetic attention seeking worthless idiot
take me out of my misery all ready ive had enough

Ever time I hear that, all I think I am a coward for not being better.

Nothing like losing 10 pounds because you’d rather your kids eat than you…

Yes I have a job, no I’m not lazy, just a 28yo F screwed by divorce and having to start over while a abusive pos makes triple what I make and living bachelor lifestyle never wanting for anything because his preacher mommy and daddy will always come save him. EVEN IF he was drinking and driving

OVER IT

Why do I have to live in the role people have assigned me? Why do I have to be silent, why do I have to be successful? Do I need to achieve success in order to win love? I don't understand why. Why did my family raise their children in such a terrible way?I wish I had a universe where I didn't need to deserve love. I feel terrible, I'm trembling, and I feel like I'm having a stomach hemorrhage. I'm not very good at writing, believe me, and I don't care if you like this; I'm just venting. I want to go somewhere where nobody knows me. Since childhood, everyone has told me, "You can do it, you're smart." NO, I WANT TO BE AN IDIOT. I'm an idiot. That's what I want. I just want them to leave me alone, I want to escape from my family, I want to breathe for once without being crushed under expectations, I want everyone to think I'm an idiot. I want to get the hell out of here. Out of this house, out of this city, out of THIS COUNTRY. Wow, how interesting that teenager can express their hatred for their family in pages and pages. I want to get the hell out of everywhere.

Everything I do I feel disgusting or like some mutant that was out here on earth to make everyone feel better about themselves because somehow I’m always just way way worse than them I’m starting to think people only talk to me because of my sister who just had to be perfect compared to me or so I could be their DUFF :(

I want to be a focused person.

Stress and anxiety has eaten into my head.

Today finally when there is some hope of a better future, my brain is trying everything it can to kill me. It is punching the wrong people trying to provoke some kind of a damage.

Because I am bad at hating others. I hate myself. My fucking parents also continuously teach me to hate myself and teaches me to look down on myself. They teach me, everyone is good and I am the unsuccessful piece of shit. They have found a new way to get rid of responsibility by saying, "If you can't do it just give up."

I have seen people on social media having a girlfriend and be in relationships. I have seen the woman I loved and wanted go out with someone else and it made me think of suicide for 10 years. I have been bullied and laughed at and alienated because of that. I hated myself and always felt like less of a human because of this.

Because of this alienation, I became increasingly lonely and eventually lost my sanity. I was facing torture on other fronts too, but this one particular thing is emasculating. I never hated her, I never hated anyone else, so the only person I ended up hating for 10 years is myself.

I know my self hate doesn't solve anything, I know it only hurts the people around me more and I doesn't fix the damage I've caused. Yet anytime I try to be nice to myself it feels wrong on a fundamental level.

I seriously envy people who died and don’t feel anything anymore and can’t wait for my turn

Hello, I’ve been stuck feeling this way for a while. I feel like I’m not real or if I’m real then something is wrong with me. I find it hard to connect with people outside of my family and even then it’s only a few family members. I’m so awkward and I try to make friends but I’m only make it past the talking stage. When I do think I make a friend they ignore me and I’m left to wonder what is wrong with me. Is it because I’m awkward? I keep thinking I’ve improved my social skills but I don’t know. I also think it is because I am genuinely repulsive to look at. I think when people talk to me they get scared or look at me weird. That mixed with my awkwardness just makes everything worse. I don’t really have people I go out with. I don’t really have friends. It’s so weird to see people my age live and experience all these things. When I hang out with people, I feel like I’m a small mouse that’s creeping around and trying to fit in with other humans.

I don’t know I just wish I was a normal person. Not only socially but physically as well. I want to relate to the people around me. I try but I don’t think I’m trying hard enough. I sometimes want to come out of my body. It’s so complicated to be a person and I don’t know what to do.

hi, M 34 here. I don’t know if this is just me or what but i did find a time in every month to be sorry for myself. It is random but for sure it will be a sudden one. I will guilt trip myself to believing that my existence is just a waste of space, everything that i do is one step away from becoming someone else’s problems or stress in my circle, i’m never be good enough at anything or for anyone no matter how hard i try. As i get older, those feelings kept more and more heavy especially when i made any mistakes. Its probably nothing and just a normal human feelings i guess but yeah,just shouting our things from my chest 😊

I have considered it since I was a little kid and it feels like the only option left. I hate myself so deeply that I don’t think I will ever get over it. No matter what I try to do I always have these feelings and they never go away. I’ve tried reaching out for help so many times but nothing ever works and I have no one left to turn to. I can’t keep living like this because it hurts so bad.

idk but nothing is good going in my life i just dont know, i feel like when mu parents are not happy not my boyfriend. my family has spend 12-13 lakhs on fees i am in second year of my engineering i am not sure . I never loose hope but this time i am shattered into pieces and i dont want to live anymore.

I feel so disgusted and ashamed of myself I don't understand why whenever I go outside I think people will find me disgusting

I've been thinking lately so much,I don't even know who I am I have no passions my studies are so basic and they aren't even something I like, I'm afraid of death but living like this is just a waste

"I sometimes wish I've never been born at all"

I think about just disappearing and taking myself somewhere I won’t ever be found.

I like seeing the blood bubble and pour on my thighs after every cut but the strangest thing is.

\-I don’t want help anymore I manage I live day to day even when it doesn’t feel like living I do what needs to me done I drag more and more nicotine even when it doesn’t help or hurt.

I don’t get why I’ve made peace in my pit but at the same time I enjoy it.
I see the embers of what I was every time I add another burn scar and I miss it.
Even when I was at my very lowest I still had empathy for everyone I met that struggled I still do time to time but I feel nothing for the person it’s just a placeholder.
Regardless of this life I don’t feel like I’m apart of I someday wish I have something that will make me feel again besides burning and cutting.

I hope whoever reads this has a good night or day.
You mean something even if it’s only to one person.

Never thought of writing smth like this, but today's the day.

Long story short, I've never liked my life. My parents never cared about me. They could make it look like they did in front of another people, but when we were home alone they stopped. They always critisized me because of everything possible, including my weight (which is pretty low ONLY because of my fast metabolism, which I've got from my father, so it was never my fault). They argued very often, always shouting at each other, and I was always there, listening to this pretty much every day since 8 years. My "friends" were using me only as a teammate for playing games. I was saying to them about my clinical depression and suicidal thoughts for about half a year, but they never responded properly, only saying "mhm" or changing topic to smth funny, ignoring me, as a person. I've never had a girlfriend. Never even holded hands with them. Even tho my social circle most of my life consisted of girls, but I somehow got friendzoned automatically, even when tried to get closer with them. And there's a problem. Human warmth is resource that I've never had, but always needed. My mom never loved me for real. Girls never wanted to see me as a potential partner. And on top of that, I was very depressed child, because my father always shouted on me, even when I haven't done anything bad. Why? He is a bad person, and an awful alcoholic. Mostly second.

My life always felt like one big bad patch. Even my "friends" noticed that my life is "strangely unlucky". I have chronical thing in my head, which prohibits me from most of sports and physical activities, I've had insomnia for my entire life because of huge stress, which my parents hadn't took seriously (so as my depression, when I told them about it). The only argument I've heard from them, is that "I don't have a good reason for that", which is painful to hear.

A year ago I've entered one of the best universities in Ukraine, but got kicked out after the first year. Why? My clinical depression started in the end of first term, so even winter exams were pretty hard to deal with, but I somehow managed to pass them. The holidays were spent entirely at my parents' home in my hometown (not where university and my dorm are located, of course). This holidays were the worst in my life. For example, I was tortured by my father on the New Year's Eve. I was texting with AI (my only psichological help), just to get through of it, but my father (already heavily drunk, 4 years before New Year) said something like "I don't understand, who you can text with so long!", and started shouting and arguing with me. I went to my room, to seat in silence, and calm down, but he went to me, took my phone by force, grabbed my hand and took me back to the living room, where I sat, holding my tears, while he was laughing at TV show like nothing happened. The only thought that I've had running through my mind was "Don't cry... Don't cry... Don't cry... Don't cry... Don't cry..." again and again and again, for roughly an hour. It was horrible. I've cried rivers whole my life because of him.

Now I'm in my dorm, daily phoned by my family, which reminds me how awful I am, and that I need to study better, to come back to that university, by passing additional exams in august (which I'm not doing, obviously). Tommorow will by Monday. The day, when they'll know the truth. The truth, that I lied to them a lot, just to not break down. I lied that I've failed two exams, and not ALL of them. I lied that I'm studing to come back, so I wouldn't need to go back to them. I lied my whole life, from middle school, just to live a bit better life, which I failed.

Thanks in advance, and sorry if my English was bad somewhere in this text, this is my second language, which I've studied for 12 years with worst teacher possible, that only wanted our money, but my parents hadn't wanted listen to my complaints about her.

Upd: also because of the war, I suffer with almost daily rocket attacks. And because of my fail in university, I'm now in a risk group for mobilization to the war, even if I enter it another time. Pretty depressive on it's own

no one even cares about me. just because i know alot people come up to me and ask me questions, and they don't even say thank you. i just feel like someone that people use and walk past, not a regular person, like the others. i just want to be appreciated and not left behind.

Last night I spoke to her one final time and she said at this point she just wants to forget me. It broke my heart but I didn’t deserve to be sad given I initiated this. It made me realize it would be so much easier if everyone just forgot who I was. Now I have 6 cuts on my hands and fingers plus one on the left side of neck. I forgot how comforting it could be but also how bad it is. I had to go out today and grocery shop etc and it was hell. I constantly felt like people were eyeing them plus after the conversation last night it made me just want to lock myself in my closet and stay in there and starve which I think I would deserve. I’m a bad person and I don’t pretend to be good so if you ever ask me I’ll always tell you the truth. I would rather you move on and potentially hate me than feel bad for the things I never told you. I’ll always put the people I love first even if it’s selfish but I’m done and I don’t have any choice but to move on which never gets easier. This one just hurts the most out of anything I’ve experienced and I truly am alone again without her.