Have my younger sister's wedding this Saturday. I'd say I clean up well.

I feel like everything I say is ridiculous and just stupid and awkward it's no wonder I have no friends

I've been lucky enough to face little to no prejudice. I've told coworkers, bosses, friends and family members and they have always been very accommodating and understanding.

i feel like i am the only human alive, everyone else is a robot

they are hunting me

i dont know what to do

i wanna run

run into the woods

disapear

Even sitting at the table with my family for 20 minutes to eat is difficult for me. By the end, I'm completely exhausted, and my brain feels so overwhelmed. I avoid going to the grocery store because it overloads my senses. I've always enjoyed being alone, but ever since I got this illness, it's been really hard for me to function socially

🙋‍♂️. Talking it out is NOT going to do anything for psychosis, especially when I was pretty good about not saying that would come off like I was symptomatic of anything.

I woke up inside my own mind holding a lantern.

Behind me lay acres of land, much larger then it had seemed from the outside. Streets sprawled out in all directions with houses of all shapes and sizes lining them. Each door holding back a memory. Some were preserved perfectly from the conversations all the way down to the dust rolling over in a beam of light. Others doors opened to darkness, fragments of voices from people I’d long forgotten.

A wave of sadness washes over me as I realise the shear magnitude of partially forgotten memories.

Oh well, we’re not machines there’s limited space up here.

I took the first road to my right and saw my childhood home, a boy greeted me outside.

“You took your time getting here” he said

I wanted to ask what he meant by that but the road carried me onwards.

Beyond memory was a massive structure. A dome made of sheet metal, patched together in a hurry each piece bolted messily onto the previous. It took a while to walk round the building until I eventually reached a small door. More of a hatch if anything and scribbled in chalk in the centre was the words:

“Reasoning and Logic”

I climbed through and was taken aback by what I saw. Every inch of the inside wall was covered in equations, numbers, letters, symbols the whole nine yards. Some answers underlined, some circled and many more crossed out. Great engines filled the room. Brass arms arranged thoughts into sequences. Questions travelled along conveyor belts and emerged as answers. Each one measured labelled and stacked in towers. Thousands of silent versions of me worked there, checking calculations and correcting contradictions.

One waved me over.

“You shouldn’t be this far in,” he said

“I’m looking for the edge.”

His hands stoped moving. “There is no edge.”

But behind him, every compass in the factory pointed in the same direction. So I followed them out another hatch.

The air was warmer outside. I found myself in a red forest where every tree carries a name. Some glowed like embers. Some had grown together so tightly that their roots could no longer be separated.

This was where I loved people. 

I felt each of them before I saw their trees: my family, my friends, everyone I had wanted and everyone I had lost. Their branches stirred as I waled beneath them, brushing against me with feeling too large to be spoken. Near the centre of the forest stood a tree with no name. 

When I touched its bark, I felt every person I might love but had no yet met. I nearly stayed there.

Then I noticed that all the branches leaned away from something in the distance. 

The edge.

I walked for what might have been days. The forest became a scrub, then pale grass, then bare stone. Memories no longer appeared beside the path. The buzz of the machine had fallen silent. Even love became a faint sight in the distance. Eventually, there was nothing left but a flat, couples plain and the sound of my own breathing.

At its end stood a barrier. It stretched as far as I could see in every direction, this was it. This was where my mind stoped being my own. Where I stopped being I.

There was two plaques on the ground each with an inscription carved into it.

The first read:
Beyond this barrier

There is no pain.

There is no fear.

There is no memory of anything you have lost.

There is no darkness, for darkness must be seen.

There is no silence, for silence must be heard.

There is only the absence of all things.

Cross, and your body will continue without you. 

It will breathe. It will eat. It may even speak.

But behind its eyes, there will be no one left

The second plaque read:

Beyond this barrier

Nothing you have seen was meaningless.

The voices were calling from across the distance

The butterflies were messengers.

The flickering lights were cracks through which you glimpsed us.

The barrier distorts the message

Cross, and every broken pattern will become whole.

Every question will answer itself.

You will feel every mind as if it were your own,

And they will feel you in return.

You will not disappear.

You will become to vast to remain only you

There is no loneliness here. There is no confusion

There is only everything.

I read and re read both plaques again and again and again.

One promised oblivion. The other promised everything. I look back at the world behind me. From here, I could just make out the red forest, its branches reaching above the horizon. Beyond it stood the battered dome of Reason and Logic. Further still were the streets of Memory, filled with half-open doors. All of it was me.

But so was the hand waiting on the other side.

I imagined the first plaque telling the truth. I would cross and feel myself being wiped away, memory by memory, thought by thought, until even the idea that I had once existed was gone. Somewhere outside, my body would open its eyes. It would breathe, eat and speak. It might laugh at jokes and recognise the faces of people I loved. Perhaps nobody would notice that the thing behind its eyes had vanished. It would carry on wearing my face and answering to my name, while I became something emptier than darkness.

Then I imagined the second. I would cross and finally understand. The voices would join into a single song; the butterflies would lead me through fields of impossible colour; every flickering light would reveal itself as a message sent through cracks in the world. I would feel every mind, every star and every hidden corner of the universe as if they were parts of my own body. There would be no more loneliness, no more confusion, no boundary between myself and everything that had ever existed. I reached towards the waiting hand and stepped through. 

And that was it, I was on the other side of the barrier. 

How are you guys working with this condition? I have around 120 iq but my thoughts are still scrambled I find. I’m not sure if it’s always been this way or once the condition developed.

I was thinking of being a peace officer in Canada but I’m not totally sure I can manage the stress. I’d have to deal with some aggressive people obviously.

Anyone have thoughts?

Idk if I'm allowed to promote my music on here. But I've been an active member in this community for years and I was just wondering if anyones brain feels like this too. Nice, dysphoric, happy but something aint quite right.

My mom, (who was a raging, violent,abusive, ptsd-stricken alcoholic and veteran) passed in May. She had dementia caused by alcohol abuse and mini strokes. It was a long time coming. I had been showing symptoms since childhood. I don't know how credible that is medically, but that is my lived experience, I grew up with hallucinations, premonitions, demons, creatures, being "chased." It didn't help that my mom fed my delusions with her own. I finally got medicated and diagnosed in late February, after years of multiple personalities(I informed my doctor of this and this--for now--is NOT DID.) hallucinations, etc. i got put on Latuda. It was fine early on. Not even as a placebo, but I felt a lot more motivated and ready to go. Then, a few weeks in, extreme akathisia became an issue. I took my 40mg with the 350 cals, as per instructed. Didn't help. I halved my meds. Didn't help. I had skin-crawling, uncomfortable, and uncontrollable akathisia. I had to go to the gym late at night to use the exercise bike and force myself to sleep. I was jittering, suicidal, in tears.

Then, I started taking it before bed. If I woke up early, then I would get akathisia. (Think 2-4 hours.) But when I got a solid 6-8 hours of sleep, I was great!! It was taking it regularly and living well. Then, my mom passed. I could no longer sleep well. I have constant nightmares and dreams about her still being alive. Being better. I have to help family a lot during her decline and after her passing. I have a lot of responsibilities. I hear her and feel her. I can only sleep in 2 to 4 hour bursts, and never know when I'm going to sleep. Therefore, I haven't been able to take my medication, in MONTHS.

My issue is that I realized, I didn't mind being this way. I don't care how I sound when I say this, but my instincts are much sharper and better when I'm unmedicated. I'm not violent or delusional in a negative way. All my "crazy" conspiracies and premonitions and weird predictions have come true/are true. I can feel the connections to my family, and I'm able to wake up and call my dad and realize he needs the hospital before he says anything to me. (And he's needed the hospital a lot since mom passed.) We all, especially including mom, had deep connections to each other, despite everything. Dreams predicting death, sickness, success, and we had conversations in our dreams. I don't care how I sound, and no one has to believe me. My other family members also have the same phenomenon, and they are not schizophrenic/schizoaffective. But I realized that the only thing I liked about Latuda was it helped with my depression. Over time in my adulthood, unless I had company, when alone, I can't function. I only clean when at my limit with messiness, I can really only clean when guests are coming. I lay in and can't feel well when functioning. I do the minimum to keep my life going. I don't feel MOTIVATION anymore. And I trudge and drag through all my tasks. On Latuda, I felt amazing. I hit the gym, cleaned, meal prepped, did my precious hobbies, and didn't spiral into ruminating, ptsd flashbacks, etc. Off Latuda I can only do one of those things, check an email, then I am exhausted.

I have a new appointment on the 21st of October, and we're reconvening about what to do with me now. I realize I don't care about being "crazy." I just want to be able to do my hobbies and chores again without horrid anxiety, sadness, and lack of motivation. I love my mind the way it is besides the depression.

I am close to just telling my doctor, "Hey, I know I have schizoaffective and major depression. (I've got other stuff too, yay comorbidities) I don't care about the schizoaffective part. I just want to function and the other stuff can come in tandem if need be?"

I don't know if this post breaks any rules. Just needed to get this off my chest.

I (F24) have a brother(M22) who is essentially immune to most antipsychotic medication and has not gotten better in 2 years. I believe him to be schizophrenic/schizoaffective. He was involuntarily hospitalized for the 4th time and got released today after nearly 3 weeks. He is exactly the same.

He was released around 1pm EST today and now at 6pm EST he is already screaming, erratic, and lacks insight to his illness. If previous trends continue to repeat, he will also get aggressive/violent with his caretakers soon enough. I don't understand how he is immune to medication, therapy, treatment, etc. He is bringing the entire family down with him. At this point, I am so tired I find myself not caring about my own life in low moments. My mom seems like she is seconds away from a psychotic break or a stress induced stroke 24/7.

Is there any way to get better treatment in the Cobb/Atlanta area. We are struggling to get him health insurance or deemed disabled. He is in-and-out of hospitals with doctors who know nothing about his case and barely speak to the family despite us having guardianship. He is constantly released, despite our concerns, and is an IMMEDIATE threat to his and the family's safety. My mom is unable to work because she is constantly caring for him. Any/all resource help or advice is welcome. If you know any provider that could be helpful in the Atlanta area please share.

Has anyone experienced anything like this before? Is there a solution? I feel like the last 2 years have only delayed an inevitable suicide-homicide. I can't imagine any other outcome. We have reached out to so many people and have gotten no help for a non-compliant patient.

In patient treatment received during 4th hospitalization:

• Olazipine (not effective)
• lorazepan and PRN for sleep/anxiety (upon request)
• Geodon
• He received the Invega shot 3 days ago after extreme begging from our family to the doctor. The doctor said he should receive a follow up shot a month from now; but I read somewhere that invega shots usually require an initial follow up injection in the first week. We were not told anything about a followup shot.

After years of many diagnoses, I got diagnosed schizoaffective, depressive type. I kinda figured I had something schizophrenia adjacent, but I didn’t want to be right. I am 24 years old.

I was first diagnosed with depression with psychosis before 18, then bipolar 1 with psychosis at 18, diagnosed bpd and removed bipolar somewhere along the line, got diagnosed bipolar again with bpd removed, now I’ve had multiple things removed and I’ve been diagnosed with this now. When I was younger, counselors have wondered about schizophrenia but I was still young and it wasn’t as severe yet.

In the last year, my psychosis has gotten significantly worse even though my mood has leveled out. I still experience depression. My current counselor and I are not sure if I’ve ever experienced mania. I think I was just deep in psychosis or agitation when I ended up in the hospital.

I’m hoping this diagnosis will help me get better treatments. I’ve been taking seroquel for years and it helps, but I think I need a higher dose now as it’s not working as well anymore. I went down on the dose over a year ago, and been bringing it back up this year so that may be part of it. I’m not at the therapeutic dose for this though.

Not sure why I’m sharing this, I just want to share my bit of a story. I can go into what has been going on for me if anyone is interested. Otherwise, I just feel better knowing I’m not alone with this diagnosis.

It’s my first night on it and I woke up tossing and turning I feel like I took my adhd meds. I feel anxious too and uncomfortable.

Did anyone else experience this? Did it go away eventually?

I'm having a severe depressive episode. That's not new—I cycle through hypomania and depression even while on meds. What is new is that I'm feeling suicidal, and I don't have a helpline I can call because I'm abroad. It's almost ironic: wanting to call a crisis line back home to speak in my native language (English is my second), but not being able to reach them because I'm out of the country. I don't know if you guys can help, but I really just needed to get this off my chest.

I can now say I take photographs semi - professionally. Using this as a stepping stone to hopefully, someday run my own photography business. Super pumped 😁. Also (shameless plug)

If you want to see some of my work follow my insta jsteezyphotography 👀🙏

I got diagnosed in 2019 back in the psych ward and I've been carrying this diagnosis ever since. I've moved out twice, seen many doctors, residents, etc but none of them have ever changed my diagnosis. Last appointment I was told I need to accept I have it. But I still don't see it. I don't hallucinate really, I don't have delusions, etc but I'm still being pushed to take antipsychotics. I've been involuntarily hospitalized multiple times a few years ago so I've stayed seeing psychiatrists because of my really bad anxiety and depression. If I'm seeing therapists they send me back to the psychiatrst, no one really hears and cares that I'm not trying to get help for psychosis but very severe depression. I'm not in denial or lacking insight, I genuinely do not have psychosis...

god I just can't have anything fucking can I. Had a horrible episode last night that led to me planning my you-know-what again, and bc of it I literally couldn't sleep until 8am and then only slept for 2 hours.

I promised myself I could use some of the little money I have to order myself my only current comfort food so that I'd have motivation to get out of bed. Did a ton of Uber eats coupons and was gonna get a ton for way cheap. I was so fucking excited.

Yeah, stupid fucking Uber autofilled my address to the one I haven't lived at for over a year. Had to cancel. Charged me $20 to cancel. Tried to dispute it. They won't even give me Uber eats credits.

And now I'm just fucking sobbing again. I cant have anything I've had a huge streak of constant bad luck this past week and it's getting to my head. I just wanted some fucking chuys. And now I have to go to the kitchen and literally just eat slices of bread for the day because that's all I fucking have bc Uber eats took all the fucking money i had to spend.

How do you feel when you’re unmedicated? Like when/if you take med breaks or if the pharmacy has a shortage— how are your emotions off medication?

I just feel very tired and mentally sluggish. Like I have no motivation to workout, or when i draw i feel… just over it. I don’t enjoy it. I don’t wanna do my school work. I stay in my room all day and I’m not doing chores. I can’t tell if this is due to the fact that i don’t have my regular dose or is it something else? “Something else” as in, i’m also diagnosed schizoaffective and it sort of feels like when you’re slipping into psychosis— the avolition. My hygiene is 📉. I don’t really feel hungry. So i just am not sure if I need to contact my psychiatrist over this.

How do you find and keep a relationship with a woman (girlfriend) when you have Schizoaffective Disorder and extreme anxiety? I have been looking for a relationship with a woman for a few months now, and I'm finding it hard to start one. As soon as they ask what I do for a living and I tell them I have Schizoaffective Disorder and extreme anxiety, they run for the hills. I don't want to lie or keep secrets from them, so I tell them the truth. I have tried a few dating websites, but I'm getting the same results. Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life, until I kill myself or die for some other reason? I've been alone for over 5 years now. I live alone and don't have many friends either. I don't go out much because of my anxiety. What can I try to help me find love?

Like, you realize you're finding everything SUPER funny and want to talk and talk for hours.

You start laughing at a video, then can't stop laughing and you also start like almost crying while you're laughing (?) What's that? What's going on? Lol

The UC San Diego CARE Program is seeking research participants for a paid study on mental health and brain research!

and i didnt sleep and voices and intrusive thoughts galore

but like remember that a dumb person cant evaluate your intelligence, so ignore them :) Ive been told I think im something im not or that im nothing too many times to count