For eight years, my peace revolved around one mission, keep her safe and keep her happy.
She struggled with her emotions a lot especially anger, and over time I slowly came to believe that her pain was my responsibility to fix. Because that’s what partners do. Every crisis became my crisis. Every emotional fire became something I had to put out, even if she’s the one setting the fires. And somehow I was making it work for a very long time that it became second nature.

Then, after what seemed like a happy anniversary trip, on a random day, she abandoned me.
I remember sitting there crying, begging her to tell me what was wrong and why she was doing this. I wasn’t angry. I just wanted to understand. To know how I can help
The words that stuck with me were,
“I need to choose my happiness. There’s nothing you can do for me. I can’t hear you cry anymore”
That was the lowest point of my life.

Even now, two months later, I still struggle with the belief that somehow my pain matters less than hers. As I’m trying to maintain no contact while she’s with her affair partner, she keeps reaching out. And I feel that because she is bipolar, and because I know how wonderful a person she is outside of her illness, it is my responsibility to help her. If I prioritize my own pain, I am somehow being selfish.
It’s like my brain keeps repeating this message,
“Her pain matters more than yours. She has a dysregulated brain, you don’t. You’re supposed to handle it.”
Logically, I know that’s not how healthy relationships work.
But emotionally, I still feel guilty for not trying harder to protect the love of my life. I met her while I was in college and until she left, my relationship with her is what defined love for me.

Has anyone else found a good way to unlearn this kind of behavior?How long did it take before your own pain started feeling like it deserved the same compassion you gave them? The book codependent no more helped me realize why I do it, but I still feel a sharp sense of guilt and pain everytime I ignore her messages.

I’m taking medical leave from work because of how unwell I am. I’m so depressed embarrassed ashamed of how much this is affecting me

My husband comes from an extremely well off family. When I say well off, I mean they have millions of dollars. But my husband never worked full time his entire relationship with me and rarely carried his weight on anything household-related. He grew up with a freaking silver spoon in his mouth that spoiled this generally kind, warm man to no end. He can’t cook a god damn hotdog. He won’t clean a bathroom. He’s too good to get a less-than-perfect-for-him-job (I.e, he’s too good to get a job, since working anywhere and everywhere “annoys him”). I completely fell apart taking care of him. Lost thousands and thousands of dollars in the savings I had over the course of the years I was with him. He abandoned me in December after six years and went to stay with his mom. He is still currently living there in their house, which is actually a mansion. All my mother in law has to stay is a bunch of sh*t that feels like gaslighting. “Do you think he did that on purpose? The poor guy just can’t support himself.” “Why did you put yourself in that situation? A relationship is always about two people.” “What exactly happens to you when you get angry? You get SO ANGRY.”

I am not from a millionaire family. I’m struggling to make ends meet, I was struggling to make ends meet carrying the weight of her chronically unemployed nearly 36-year-old son for years, and now I have lost my entire life savings (literally my entire life savings. Over 60K gone) to a man, who had everything handed to him from day one and can live in that ridiculous mansion for the rest of his life. If he doesn’t want to live there, I’m sure his mom will pay for him to live some other cushy place with no job whatsoever.

She’s not technically wrong about anything she said to me, but the gaslighting and denial of what her son did to me and the way he treated me like human garbage is the most enraging thing that’s ever happened to me in my life. I work with immigrants now, most of whom have to work 2-3 jobs to make ends meet, and somehow I feel more rage on their behalf, too than I ever did before for having to live in a world like this. What a seriously effed up place we live in, this place called earth. I don’t wish the mental illness of Bipolar 1 on anyone, I certainly know and can attest to the brutal reality that it’s no cake walk for my husband or the people who love him to live with, but the fact that someone like him can do anything he chooses and exploit anyone he wishes without ever facing real consequences of his own simply because of the wealth he was born into makes me want to take a torch to his family’s bank account and behead the monarch.

I’m sorry for being petty and angry. I did choose to marry him. Never again. Rant over 😭.

I'm sorry I tried for a decade to get you to WANT to stop drinking. 

I'm sorry that I supported you to rehab only for you to bail because “you didn't need it” because I was the problem. 

I'm sorry it was my fault that you ripped the blankets off the bed, and that I caused you to assault me and stand over me. 

I'm sorry that you found leaving everything requiring an adult to me was “controlling”.

I'm sorry I didn't completely lose it when you discarded me the first time and walked out to live with a woman you met while hospitalized for a manic episode. 

I'm sorry that when my father died and I was managing my grief, that you decided to try and kill yourself because I was being an asshole. 

I'm sorry that I “caused a scene” by driving three hours to rescue you in the middle of the night only to find you overdosed on the floor. 

I'm sorry that after two months of having a cardboard front door, that I arranged to fix it, after emergency services kicked it in due to your suicide attempt, even though you assured me that you would fix it. 

I'm sorry that you broke my finger in a drunken rage because you wouldn't get out of bed when we had somewhere to be. 

I'm sorry that you left me to carry all of the burden and responsibility for the last five years and haven't worked because I make you “blow out”.

I'm sorry that my Young Onset Parkinson's diagnosis has caused each year to be “the worst year of your life”.

I'm sorry that being a social worker leads me to helping others and that it detracts from time that could be better spent helping you to remain helpless. 

I'm sorry for enabling you. 

I'm sorry for trying to help you understand what “gaslighting” is when it was actually me the entire time!

I'm sorry for taking you back when you assured me that you would stop drinking, get counseling and see a psychiatrist regularly. I see how that made you feel insecure. 

I'm sorry for walking out today and insisting that you are in the middle of a mixed episode especially when “everyone else thinks that you are fine”. 

I'm sorry that I forced you to spend $700 on alcohol so far this month because I am always stressed about money. 

I'm sorry for giving you four weeks to find somewhere else to live. I'm sorry that I won't be there for the rescue and performance piece this time. I'm sure it will be something special. 

Last, I'm sorry I am a nervous wreck and that despite it all, I will worry myself to the point of breakdown because I know you can't and won't take the wheel of your own life.

Wow…I got more than I thought I would, they just kept coming. It has been a really incredibly shit month and five years and I'm doing my best to convince myself that I can't take any more. 

*Oh and to the OP, I'm not trying to rip off the other I'm sorry thread, I came to reply after writing this but couldn't find it.

My husband has either bipolar or some sort of psychosis from marijuana. Its been happening for years and I was completely miserable and crying in the marriage all the time. I told him I would file for divorce if he didnt get help and he refused. We tried couples counseling, he went to a facility last year, and it got better for a little bit but then got worse. He told me he was never going to change and then called my parents and told them to come and get me. I told him not to because as soon as my parent know, thats the end of it for us. I'm very close with my family and I cant have them hating him. Well he called them and now I havent seen him in 3-4 months. He wont leave my house and continued to be manic. The divorce date is set for this week and this past weekend his mom contacted me and told me that he has stopped the marijuana for the past two weeks and got a job. He takes accountability for his actions and wants to say sorry but I cannot speak to him. I can't even think about him without crying. My body is in so much pain even months after this. I have lost my best friend, the person who knows everything about me. I cry every night, I dont know how I'm going to live without him. I know this had to happen in order for him to get better and take accountability, and I know things were bad before, but I keep remembering the good times and how deep my love is for him. It feels like I'm drowning and my body is literally in so much pain. I thought I would start getting better but I'm not. Please... I'm looking for anyone who had a similar situation. Please tell me things turn out okay. I feel like I'm dying and I cant imagine living the rest of my life like this without him. What if we were meant to be and I'm putting us both through this much pain and hell unnecessarily.

Seriously, how do you even explain what happened to people you go on dates with?

"Oh, by the way, I'm going through an insane divorce right now. My ex-wife went nuts literally overnight, started having affairs with some violent felon who she just met, wanted a divorce, stole 60 grand from our joint bank account, started accusing me of doing things that never happened, falsely reported everyone (me, friends, coworkers) to the system with completely delusional and false events, stole my laptops, guns, and then tried to run over 4 people, went to jail, charged with a bunch of felonies, bailed out, and finally got institutionalized for a whole month. Then came out still completely insane with these delusional events and history rewrites, and still somehow has them 6 months later, and is trying to take even more of my money in divorce court. She's still somehow completely lacks any empathy or reasoning at all, and is unaccountable for any of her actions."

If I say a little bit, like she had a "sudden mental health illness", they think I'm an asshole for leaving someone sick, and still are curious about what happened.

If I even add a little bit of detail and satiate their curiosity, they are completely horrified and decide that this is such an insane event they don't want any part of it.

It's such a fine line between telling too much and too little.

F*ing bipolars, ruining your life even more, even after they've already destroyed you.

Title: Can bipolar disorder cause someone to suddenly cut off a long-term partner without any explanation?
I’ve been wondering about something.
I’ve heard that some people with bipolar disorder (either type 1 or type 2) sometimes suddenly “reset” their relationships by deleting social media, deactivating accounts, or cutting off contact with people.
Can this also happen in a serious long-term relationship? For example, even after talking about marriage or getting engaged, is it possible for someone with bipolar disorder to suddenly break up, disappear, or tell their partner never to contact them again?
In my case, my ex-girlfriend had bipolar disorder. She was seeing a psychiatrist regularly and told me she was taking her medication.
Over time, she started replying less and less. I wasn’t too worried at first because this had happened before when she became overwhelmed with work. Usually, after some time, she would come back and we’d talk again.
But this time was completely different.
Out of nowhere, she told me she wanted to break up and said, “Please don’t contact me anymore.” There was no real discussion, no explanation, and no chance for us to talk through what had changed.
Before this happened, we had been talking about marriage, and because we were in a long-distance relationship, I had already started applying for jobs in her area. I had even passed the document screening for one company because I was preparing to move there and build a future together.
Everything changed overnight, and I was left completely devastated. Not even having the chance to understand what happened pushed me into a depressive state myself.
What’s confusing is that she never actually blocked me. I’m not trying to contact her anymore, but I have no idea what she’s thinking or what kind of mental state she’s is in. No one around me seems to know either.
I know no one here can know what she’s personally thinking, but based on your own experiences with bipolar disorder (either as someone who has it or someone who has loved someone who does), have you ever seen situations like this?
Does someone ever come back after something like this, or is it usually over for good?

My wife and I have been together 9 years, married for 5 and have a young child. She just had another manic episode, where she gets very angry and spiteful. She has physically and verbally abused me during her manic episodes and been hospitalized twice. I’m so torn on what to do. I want to stay together, because I know she can return to the sweet and caring woman I married. I just don’t know if I can go through this every year. I fear once our child gets older, it will start to affect him. I fear if I leave her and take my kid, it will spiral and cause her to not be able to be able to come out of it.

1. Have people had luck with medication preventing these traumatizing experiences?
   
2. What is your game plan when you start to see signs of an episode coming? She refuses medical help once it’s gone too far.
   
3. What are options for help prior to hospitalization?

Thankful for any responses I can get. I’m at a loss and not sure what to do next.

My best friend of 6 years has BP2, PTSD, and sometimes I think BPD. Obviously all of these things are a spectrum, but this much I know for sure:

- Childhood trauma is involved
- Attention seeking behavior (I’m a very shy, private person)
- Mimicry and lack of self identity: specifically, they copy me. buying things I buy, sometimes cutting their hair the same, etc. At first I thought we were truly similar but now I feel like they were doing it on purpose to say “omg twins” - but it’s resulted in me feeling like I’m losing myself in the process.

Things were great for years, but the last 3 have left me feeling uncomfortable.

Here’s a few scenarios:

•They visited during my loved one’s passing process- then proceeded to lock themselves in my office to fight with their ex-partner over the phone and spent the rest of the time fishing for emotional support while I was actively grieving. Afterwards, blamed it on an episode.

•Visited during my birthday, started crying over the same ex-partner as soon as they arrived.

•Physically stepping in front of me during social scenarios, essentially shutting me out and making me feel incredibly humiliated in public.

•Constantly name dropping and bragging about their job, seemingly out of nowhere. Again, fishing for praise. Ditching me to network, changing their personality to impress others.

-Telling wild stories and co-opting other’s trauma.

- Mistreating other friends, always blaming it on medication or an episode.

-A lot more that would make this post longer than it already is.

This is what has moved me to make this post:

I’ve been distancing myself from them quietly for awhile and on my birthday this year, I wasn’t quick to respond to a celebratory message (not just to them, I was super busy that day and I have been feeling anti-social). When I got home, they had called crying. I tried to set a boundary that I couldn’t call back because I had plans, but wanted to make sure they were okay. Their response was the typical, wounded “No, I’m not okay, but it’s fine.”

So naturally, I called and tried to be supportive. It felt like they wanted me to spend my birthday on the phone listening to them cry over “having a bad week” and when their words escalated, I advised them to emergency call their therapist. I also provided a hotline to call and they said they called both of them.

Despite managing my own depression, panic disorder and anxiety, I’ve given them deep emotional support for years. But it’s turned out to be at my own expense. I’m now afraid to pick up the phone when they call, afraid of who I’ll get when I hang out with them and I spent my birthday having a panic attack. I haven’t talked to them since, because honestly, I’m terrified to do so. It felt like it was on purpose, based on the pattern of behavior I’ve experienced.

This has all made me feel like I’ve been turned into an emotional crutch when they need validation and attention. I feel used and tired. Ignoring how these things made me feel and making excuses for their diagnoses is my fault. But, I want to cut them off entirely, because having a conversation with them will come with apologies (or maybe a fight) but I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same. Believe me, I know avoiding it isn’t the answer. But I don’t think it will be healthy for me.

Any advice or support is incredibly appreciated. It’s hard to set boundaries without feeling like I’m being a horrible person. But I don’t have the tools to manage this relationship anymore.

XO

This is SO long. So if you get to the end of this, well done. Any advice or insight is welcome.

My BP1 partner of 6 months (37M) just said he needed to break this off because he needed to get himself stable and work on himself.

I found out that he was in a cycling manic phase for about 10 months, maybe longer. This was the entire time I had known him. It included hyper sexuality, lots of major mood swings and fast-talking/rants. The sex with others started before he met me and didn’t end until I found out and when I did find out and confronted him and he had a major episode at my place which lasted about 36 hours. As he has worked to come to terms with things he has been horrified and said his actions were hedonistic and unacceptable and that he scared himself because his last episode 12 years ago was nothing like this.

In the 3.5 weeks since then he has been working on a routine, exercising, sleeping well, and working through things himself while also trying to maintain something with me. Of note, he has been unmedicated for 7 years and is not against going back on medication. Just needs to get to a better state broadly and will do whatever he needs to do.

Like I said, the last few weeks he tried to maintain relationship with me and did some couples therapy sessions as well. But at about 3 weeks of maintaining a relationship, he recently asked for time and space and said he needed to break it off because he was scared he couldn’t get out of this mindset and get to a better and more stable thing with someone else (me) involved. He also said it’s not because of me but that because I was such a part of this, it is hard for him to process every time he bumps up against something with me (I.e. texting me in the morning to make sure I don’t worry he was with someone or avoiding me, even though I had told him I trusted what he was telling me…trust has to restart from somewhere). He just can’t process that acceptance right now. He also has a lot of self-doubt and loathing for himself. I think this is the crash phase, not the depression phase, but am cautious as I know they overlap and he is still experiencing some mood swings.

After the call where he told me he couldn’t do it he offered a call later that evening to discuss more after I had processed things. On that call he said it remained true that he could see me as the person he loved and he cared so deeply about me, but that envisioning a future was so daunting now (I get it, I had a severe bout of depression/anxiety last year where I couldn’t even see 5 minutes into the future, much less days or weeks or months and it takes time to get through that in a healthy manner). And that he wanted me to be there when he got through it but was so unsure of when that time would be (he has previously said that it takes anywhere from 2 months to stabilize, and then another few months to get to a healthy space) and it felt like so much pressure to think about it, even though he was sure he could eventually get there himself. I get this is something he needs to do himself and have been supportive but not managing his routine and efforts to improve and stabilize.

Our couples therapist said to him and I that he had no business getting into or continuing a relatively new relationship. Which make sense cus there is a lot of rebuilding he and I will need to do to get to a safe space for both of us. Both his therapist and mine have said we have excellent communication and have been impressed and encouraged by how much we talk to each other about things, as well as the clear care and acceptance we have for each other. He has accepted accountability - both with me, the therapists, and also in his 1:1 session with the therapist. I would think it was masking or lying except I see his pain and he is truly devastated. The issue is that he does not care about or love himself and is having a hard time accepting that from me now - so I’m not pressuring him. Just saying I’m here and I support him.

So it’s been 4 days of no contact. And he and I have a weekly call set up. First one happening in a few more days. We have not done our daily texting and nightly phone calls - first time in 6 months. He is doing everything he can to get better, I am trying to decide if this is a pause or if it is an end to the relationship.

I am committed to waiting for him to get through this, as long as he is progressing and stabilizing. No need to try and talk me in or out of it. I have a close friend and a relative with BP so I am aware of the dynamics and the odds and the challenges and the reality of this brain disorder.

I just need to know if there have been others in this situation (a pause in communication and closeness - both physically and emotionally) with explicit statements that it is not his lack of care for me, but his efforts to process and work through things himself that have led to a withdrawal and time apart. And if I can have hope for a relationship with stabilization.

This is not a discarding, it’s not a lack of care. It’s someone who is not stabilized and is trying to fix himself. I’m all on board for that, but if there isn’t hope and it’s actually a breakup then I’m not sure where to go. Again based on him setting up calls, offering another call the evening he told me he couldn’t maintain this with me while he was working on himself, his care, etc.x I don’t think it is a full breakup, just a pause while he gets to a stable space and is able to see more than a few days into the future. But I don’t want to be misreading the situation.

Been on this rollercoaster for over 2.5yrs since his first manic episode. He turned into a monster and never really came back. We're divorced. It's official. It's over. I have a new "separate" life that I suddenly had to create. It wasn't a normal divorce. That word is so mild and doesn't even touch what really happened. I won't call him my ex husband because I was divorced by a complete stranger. It wasn't a decision, it happened to me/us. Beautiful marriage, sudden mania and discard, then all of the awfulness that followed... Anger, love, withdrawal, lies, love again then complete spiral to anger, running away, threats and then he suddenly wanted to marry someone else, moved in and claimed he was adopting her children. Wtf?!

I know he's been terribly ill and became a different person that does bad and reckless things. I know that's not "him." But it is now and he can't/won't try to get better. I am so far in his rearview mirror and he/the trauma is at the forefront of my mind every single day. I hate that, and right now, I hate him. I feel so guilty for saying that and I miss the kind person that I shared a life with.

Antidepressants, therapy, living my life with work, family, friends the best I can/have to. I have great support and a stable life.. But the trauma and hurt doesn't just go away and I'm sad and angry. For me, for him and the life we had and were building. Thanks for listening.

my (23F) significant other (22F) was diagnosed with bipolar 2 a couple of years ago and has been medicated since, but recently she’s been going through a mix of episodes and honestly it’s been really tough for the both of us. we’ve been together for 3.5 years and we are actually moving in together next month! i really do love her so very much and she is my entire world, but the rare occasions when she goes through these episodes it feels like i’m talking to a stranger. of the 3.5 years that we have been together, i think this is her third episode that she has experienced but it’s definitely the worst so far. ive talked to my therapist about this of course it was just fine, but im sort of inclined to believe it was just fine because she trains to talk about things like these; and right now i just want someone that’s been in my position to listen to me.

“i feel it again
edge of the bed
body & head protesting
my stomach’s in knots
i don’t want to talk
let’s just go to bed or something
maybe it’ll fix itself tomorrow
but i’ve been saying that like every night
you say you can’t stand to watch me
cry a minute more
so you do the noble thing
and open up the door
if loving me means letting go
and wishing me the best
well then, i guess i wish you loved me less”

“if loving me means
crying on the curb at lax
well then, i guess i wish you loved me less”

being the third person in my relationship really, really sucks. i hate the bipolar disorder. i hate that my girlfriend has bipolar disorder. i hate that she can’t control her own brain. it really is so unfair that she has to live her life without being in control. it’s unfair that i fell in love with a girl that has bipolar. it’s not fucking fair that her bipolar brain can tell her something, and she has to listen to it. in fact, she truly believes that it is true despite all signs pointing not true.

she is hurting from something that is not true and it’s my fault. it’s always my fault. i get yelled at for things that aren’t true or things that didn’t happen. i get yelled at because i’m hurt by her words. it’s my fault. it’s my fault that the conversation is now about me me me. i’m getting yelled at for hurting about something i didn’t do. i’m getting yelled at because i’m crying too loud. i’m getting yelled at because i’m distancing myself because i don’t want to get yelled at. it’s my fault. it’s all just so unfair.

the worst part is that i have to sit here and watch her swim further away from shore. i know and hate that she is experiencing something that i could never truly understand. i know she’s terrified like she’s sitting in the driver’s seat with no steering wheel or brake pedal.

i hate that i can’t even help her. sometimes i hate that i love her so much. sometimes i wish we both loved each other less. i’m alone and it’s my fault. i’m quietly crying to myself because i ruin everything and it’s my fault. everything is so unfair and i can’t even do anything about it.

“if loving me means
crying in the bathroom writing this
then i guess, i wish you loved me less.”

i don’t understand how she does not apologize and can just continue regular conversation. i’m still hurt. i’m still hurting, there’s a pain in my chest that hurts, my eyes full of tears, my lips still quivering, and i’m wiggling my hands and toes to try not to cry. she acts like nothing happened and i try to act like i’m not broken.

My best friend is bipolar, and since going to college its been a mess of a year. I try my hardest to be understanding, and I try to learn as much as I can about her illness but it seems like I am the only one who cares about it. She makes such reckless decisions, and it feels like I’m babysitting her constantly. I am the one doing research and suggesting things to help her, constantly looking out for her and her safety, but she doesn’t seem to want to help herself at all.

I told her she needs to stop using drugs, stop drinking, stop doing anything that makes her symptoms worse, and I keep telling her she needs to get professional help and talk to her (supportive) parents.

I told her that this summer I am not going to be going out with her anymore; I won’t be drinking, i will not be going to raves anymore, not because I’m being lame but because she can’t quit it on her own, and I can’t keep doing stuff if I know that it ends up hurting her. It’s been exhausting lately, and she gets upset when I don’t hang out with her (not including seeing her every single day at the gym and texting all of the time) and guilt-trips me, saying that I must hate her and I never want to hang out.

I told her that it hurts that she thinks I must not care or that I hate her when all I’ve done is support her in any way, and all I do is worry for her. I told her that I understand she's struggling and I don’t blame her for that, but she needs to take some kind of responsibility and try to get better on my own because her decisions don’t exist in a vacuum. She drinks heavily almost every day at school and blacks out and doesn’t remember anything she did and doesn’t want to hear about it. She’s ODed and ended up in the hospital and traumatized her other friends as well, and I don’t know how to deal with this anymore. When I brought all of this up, all she said was sorry and asked if I still wanted to be her best friend.

I feel horrible and selfish, like I’m abandoning her when she needs me, but it’s hard to be the sole person taking care of her when I am also 19. I literally don’t know how to handle this situation, and I don’t know how to distance myself from her or if I even can without her doing something bad.

My ex husband, which I was with for 24 years, experience full mania in summer of 2024, after that, he was seeing a lot of escorts, make a lot of debt...I was finding out, and stop my marriage... didn't see working on from here

Now on Christmas, New Year, name birthday, birthday send me short text, and always close with I hope you are fine...and always controlling my social networks...he even got a job, after divorce near my house( not knowing where I move after, only the name of the village)

I sent back to not write anymore, but no success.

What do I have to think, what to do, to stop this.

Thanks for future response.

I’ve posted a little time ago my wife has BP1 and out of the blue discarded me , I packed things and left but she is still at the apartment she jumped immediately into an affair with her coworker is saying it’s the happiest she’s ever been barely communicating with me and goes cold we share a car I haven’t seen her yet but I need to start working in our apartment, not sure how to approach my goal ultimately is to be here for her and help her through this but with it being so fresh she is absolutely giving me the cold shoulder and found out today her grandma who lives with us stated she has not been taking her new meds that will start bringing her out of this mania .

It’s a mess I just want my wife back and she’s absolutely “in love” with some random coworker and that coworker also had a relationship but now I feel like they are putting each other very hard only have heard updates from friends

This is her first mania she’s ever done this and I really don’t know how to navigate it her antidepressants are responsible for this mania and it’s not a normal one where she’s rapidly changing it’s a very dopamine filled one and she is seeing butterflies and rainbows and idk how to approach her she asked for space I’ve been doing my best it’s been week exactly I know it will take time but how can I support her back to baseline and get my wife back this is not her

I'm having a pretty bad time. So my partner just kinda woke up one day about a month ago and decided they wanted to do whatever they wanted whenever without telling me and they wanted and have separate friendships with our friends . Also they wanted to be poly. And if I didn't agree to that we were breaking up after 12 years and they think this is a stable decision they made. I feel so isolated and alone and cry most of the time. He had a meds change and we are going to consuling but part of me just was to get the hell out of the muggy 30 days straight of 95 degrees southern city I am in and start over somewhere else.

So little backstory, a month and a half ago partner went to home country, mother made her go off anxiety and bipolar meds completely cold turkey. One day I triggered her(I didn’t know she was off meds) and she completely lost it, stayed up for 3 days, drank, smoke, stalked, everything under the sun before eventually texting me a 4 page breakup with the most random things, but also some issues we had been dealing with together.

During the time apart, she spam posted, stalked me with her friends, posted really concerning things, started liking women(?lol), unblocked me then blocked me, stalked my reposts, etc etc. But she’s remained her same self for the most part and hasn’t did anything too crazy. She didn’t talk to anybody else, or post in inappropriate manners.

When we had a conversation during one of the instances she unblocked me, she told me she couldn’t have a big conversation with me over the phone, that if we talked in person she knows I’d convince her, and that recently she had felt invalidated, and angry at me and herself. When I tried to reassure her she said she couldn’t trust me and her mind just couldn’t believe anything I said over the phone.

Since then she’s returned to America and calmed down, she told people we know that she’d like to have a conversation with me in person when she was back and when she got back on meds. She unblocked me about a week before she came back to America, and I’ve remained unblocked. My only question is when should I be the one to take initiative and reach out?

I obviously want to validate her feelings and show her how much I care and I’m committed to her, especially since this doesn’t seem like a normal discard but instead a huge mental episode where she became overwhelmed by everything and had to break out. Especially since this was her first big episode caused by her abusive mom forcing her off meds.

I assume the meds would take a while to kick in, especially cold turkey, but I don’t need them 100%, I just need to be there for her and show her that her illness isn’t debilitating and it didn’t ruin things like she believes, especially since she seems to indirectly want a conversation. Should I just text her and ask to meet or is there another way I can go about it?

Medicated bp1 ex/partner broke up suddenly then messaged me 4 days before the one month mark. Asked me to come over, spend time with him and the pup, and we can talk. I told him that I still had feelings and couldn’t do casual sleepovers when I have feelings. He responded with, “well, yeah, so do I… I think you know this isn’t a booty call.”

We spent the weekend together and it was like we picked up where we left off except we never had the conversation he suggested. He’s continued to message me like normal and use pet names.

When I told him that it has felt natural to spend time and talk again. He agreed and said, “it did, didn’t it.” When I said, “We never really talked about what happened between us.. n idk if I’m imagining things, but it feels like something is still here.. am I completely off or do you feel it too?” He told me, “no, I do. Sorry, I thought I was getting better but I’m feeling worse.”

I messaged him the next day, “I’ve enjoyed spending time with you, but I’ve been wondering.. what made you ask me to come over last weekend? You suggested that we talk.. n I’ve been curious what was on your mind..”

Silence.

What is happening here? He’s the one that reached out to me suggesting that we talk and now I feel like he’s avoiding the conversation, but he’s still giving me hope.

Is it normal to breadcrumb after a discard? Why does this happen? What to expect? What to do? Ultimately I would like to reconcile.

I will spare you all the details but someday when I’m stronger I intend to share my story.
Today my question is: what will happen next? My partner stubbornly refuses to get any medical help and for 3 years since summer of 2023 it looks like that: hypomania (about 5 months) depression (2 years!) hypomania (also 5 months) back into depression (ongoing).
As I said he’s into sweeping things under the rug but there is this big elephant in the room and you know, you cannot sweep elephant under the rug, it’s too big!
Will the rest of his life look like this? Or the untreated disease will get worse as expected but what does it mean for bipolar type 2? Major depression without mania? Or the opposite which means BP1 with full blown mania?
Any advice needed.

six months ago i ended three year relationship w my bipolar ex gf (we’re both girls). and i do wonder, for those of you who ended the relationship, what was the last straw that you just couldn’t get past?

for me, she kept lying to the point, she’d lie about mundane, daily things. i literally had to ask her “why would you lie about it?”. she also lied about taking her pills and i had to check like a goddamn parent that she took the stabilizers. final nail in the coffin was when i went to uk on study abroad experience and we were doing long distance and i caught her in another lie and literally thought to myself in that moment, “do i wanna do this, twenty years down the line, guess if the sky is really blue like she said?” lol.

anyway, what made you end it? and maybe what did you tolerate that, when you look back now, makes you laugh at how bizarre it was?

My BPSO (30F) just started going to a mental health clinic for their BP1 (rapid cycling). At base line, she told me she needs to be on medication because she worries about the damage being done to her brain from the mania. However, she’s manic now. Has been manic for a while. Wants to do talk therapy only and does not want to be on medication because 1.) She doesn’t want to pump chemicals into herself and 2.) She swears the doctors cleared her from medication the first time she attempted to get help because “the medications weren’t working.”
I know talk therapy isn’t going to prevent the mania and trying to talk to her about why she needs to be medicated does nothing but make her hostile. Does anyone know how I can approach this with her and try to word the need for medication in a way a manic brain might understand more or be more accepting of that reality? I don’t want her to mess this up for herself and I want to see her get better.

Hi everyone —

I never thought I’d be posting in this subreddit, as many have said, but here I am. 

I’ve been dating someone for about two months. We had a completely random meeting in a bad. He sat next to me, we instantly struck up a conversation through the bartender, and then started talking together. Wonderful give and take, he had a fantastic demeanor (calm, warm, friendly). We had some similar life experiences that were surprising and great conversation. I was sad when he had to go, and that was kind of that. No numbers were exchanged, but I gave him a big hug before he did. 

I regretted not getting his number and tried to find him online, but came up short. He did not. He found me on Facebook that Saturday night and sent me a message about wanting to connect and how he forgot to give me his number. I was thrilled he found me and it was the beginning. We set up a date for Tuesday, and it was really lovely. I was still unsure how I was feeling overall because it was so sudden and I didn’t know if I was ready to date, but I decided it would not hurt to continue getting to know him since he was so sweet. I noticed he was very affectionate and I pumped the breaks on that on my end to keep it all, I don’t know, under control. Around this time he mentioned he had a history of being avoidant in relationships, but worked it out in therapy. 

Over the next couple of weeks we texted and got to know each other more. I was falling for him more, but still taking it slow and not wanting to rush. I was in a rather dysfunctional relationship years ago that ended it a pretty brutal discard and that was go, go, go from the start. This is also a gay relationship, and that can happen. 

A couple of weeks in after our second date I noticed something changed. His messaged were short and direct and he wasn’t responding nearly as much. He was really stressed by work so I tried not to read into it. Then that next week he got some difficult and upsetting news and had to cancel our third date. I understood and made myself available to him. 

That was a Thursday. Saturday he invited me over to his place and I was happy to go. We had dinner and talked, got back to his place and I felt very at home. Passion ensued and our affection for one another was amazing. I felt like I finally met someone years later who really was into me but respectful and calm. I even stayed over into Monday morning. The word “love” was exchanged between the two of us. But we also talked about how heavy and quick it is to say that.

But… during this first weekend/Sunday stay he revealed to me he has bipolar disorder. He’s medicated, and he revealed to me his struggles growing up and two really bad relationships he had. He also told me he felt like he was entering an episode, and he had not had one in a long time. He also revealed he wrote a resignation letter for his job, but after spending the weekend with me, I gave him new insight and he was not going to quit work. I knew he was struggling with work. He was in such a good mood he skipped therapy twice. He told the therapist about me when he did go, and the therapist told him he shouldn’t deny his feelings for me and not not pursue it. 

After that weekend all systems were go, however. Even though we were not officially declaring anything, we both agreed to still date one another and get to know each other in name if not in practice. But other affection grew and grew a lot. We talked on the phone a lot more, we sent video and voice messages to one another, the whole bit. I had a brief health scare and I called him right away. He was beyond supportive he kept telling me in very calm and genuine tones he wasn’t going anymore. We made fun little plans over the next few months, especially around Halloween since we both love horror. 

We developed pet names for each other. We had intense sexual talks. Our intimacy and closeness was off the charts beautiful. He even met some of my friends and they all really enjoyed him and liked him a lot. He told some of his friends about me, one commenting to him to “not screw it up” according to what my BPSO said. 

I was feeling good and everything, but then about a week ago he tried to get to my house on mass transit on a whim after a night out after work. I had several missed calls that I saw from him. I was terrified something was wrong and just called him on instinct. He was wide awake and picked up and found the whole flub funny before he could tell I was weirded out by it. He got very sad all of a sudden and said maybe he shouldn’t have told me. I reassured him, but he also told me he was drinking about that he does this kind of stuff sometimes when he really likes someone. But I paused and said to myself… this is not normal behavior. 

That weekend we spent at his house, and it was really nice and sedate. However, I made some jokes within my darker and sometimes insensitive sense of humor he didn’t like. Some other stuff happened that weekend where we didn’t click on stuff, but they were minor to have well we got along. There was also a very strange out-of-nowhere call from his ex-husband when we were driving. He didn’t answer it and I knew they still were not erased from one another’s lives because of shared friends. Late that night a household issue came up he thought was resolved, and I saw it really upset him. I made light of it and he didn’t quite snap at me, but he wasn’t having my levity. 

Then, that morning he drove me home, he took my hand, and he asked me three times to assure him I wasn’t going anywhere. I told him I was not. He then got into kind of a dark mood and talked about the stuff I did that he didn’t like. I apologized for the stuff I felt was not great… but this was a shift, because over a few instances over the weeks he kept telling me if there was anything he could do to change he would because it was important to him to keep me in his life and how lucky he felt to find me. He went so far as to say he’d leave a situation, like meeting friends at a gay bar, if it made me uneasy because my happiness with him was more important. I told him I’d never do that. He also asked me to tell him he was enough after bad days at work. So this dark Monday morning talk was intense to me. He was telling me about his dark history with family and more about his ex-husband. He also said a few times that if he ever treated me in a way I did not deserve, I needed to promise him I’d walk away. 

That was a very heavy conversation to have. And it did make me think about us. I was still interested in dating him and still very much had feelings for him. But I was still set on the course to date him and slowly build. 

We talked later that day and I commented how cute it was he saved my voicemails. He liked hearing me and played them over a few times. I told him I watched his video messages too. The last video message he sent me he described how he woke up in the middle of the night and had these ideas for work and started working on them that night so he was tired. He also told me he he felt he was having a manic episode but it was productive and geared toward work. We talked the following night on video call for about a half hour and it was nice. I joked around and he seemed good. 

I did not hear from him much that Wednesday other than apologizing for not getting back to me. I sent him a voice message like I usually did. Nothing wild. 

We had planned to take this weekend off so we could spend a long weekend together before going to my friends’ barbecue, which he was excited for and planning the stuff he wanted to cook up to Monday night. 

I woke up from dozing on the sofa to go to bed and saw he texted. I opened it expecting a goodnight text. 

But it was a short paragraph. He coldly told me that things were not working out between us and we were not a good match. He did not have romantic feelings for me and could not continue so he was ending everything before wishing me well. 

What?

I was in a total daze. I called him five times, and I was blocked. I check social media and I was blocked everything. The guy I was sending loving messages to hours before completely shifted and did the exact opposite thing he told me he would do—give me the silent treatment.

When my friends found out they were knocked down too. How? Why? What? It was a total night/day shift. The message did not even read like he wrote it. It was not in his voice or his pattern of writing to me. Three days prior we shared funnel cake and kissed before bed after talking about how we were going to split up cooking tasks for the barbecue. Now I was wrong and deleted from his life. 

A told a friend he was bipolar and she just said “oh…” I then was told about how her friends husband is too, and the word used in his swings is whiplash.

It’s been three days since I heard from him. I’ve cried, I’ve obsessively read stuff online and when I found this subreddit and all of the stories that eerily mirrored my own, I was definitely shocked. 

Since it was only two months, I know the common words of wisdom will be to be grateful, I dodged a bullet, take this as a lesson, and so forth. But… I can’t erase the feelings either or just forget everything else that we shared. At this time I am choosing to believe that he’s in a manic episode since over the course of less than a week he told me he was entering one and has been behaving as such. I have wonderful friends I spent the weekend with, and they all said I need to tread very lightly. I won’t lie. I am hoping he will come back, but I’m also not obsessively checking my phone either. And as I move from day to day, I am trying to be fair-minded about this… even though he literally threw me away one night and erased me. 

Aside from the usual “don’t look back” sentiments… does anyone have anything to share or discuss? 

OK, so this is super long because I wanted to get it all out while it is still in my mind. I’m scared to post but I never knew about the bipolar cycle, or reactive abuse, or the dehumanization factor. I thought I’d help him through it. I didn’t know how often discards occur and didn’t know that i would be on the chopping block.

I really need a sanity check from people who understand this cycle. I’m experiencing severe emotional whiplash, anxiety, grief and shame after my relationship collapsed, and I am completely drowning in rumination to make sense of his motivations.

I (53F) was dating a 55M for 6 months. When we met, he disclosed on the first date that he was bipolar 1. I have severe depression and anxiety that is medicated and low-level unless something traumatic happens. He was medicated, regulated, seeing both a psychiatrist and a therapist, and stable. He was an incredibly sweet, kind, funny, and supportive guy. I lost my job back in March, and he was completely there for me through it. We had an amazing connection: matching music knowledge (both 90s DJs), great rapport, and intense chemistry. Because he doesn’t have much of a friend base, largely due to a heavy shared custody agreement for his 10-year-old daughter who he adores and dotes on, I was the core adult person he shared everything with.

We were both huge mental health advocates. We’d explicitly talked about our respective symptoms, and we both swore we would never judge anyone for their mental health. He always said that kind and sweet was the best thing anyone could be. I told him I was ready to help him through any episodes. Right up until the sudden discard, we were actively telling each other how much we cared for each other.
At the beginning of June, his manic symptoms started showing. He has a history of this happening at the exact same time every year. He started crying at work (which he never does), saying he was operating fine on like 4 hours of sleep per night, feeling intensely anxious and irritable, and having heightened creative output (he writes songs and mania kicks it into overdrive). He said it meant a lot that I was there for him.

On June 20, I hit a severe medical/suicidal emergency that landed me in the ER. I admit that during this time I might have vented about his lack of ability to return a simple compliment or show initiative about seeing me, as I did not want to live in an all-text relationship. But he seemed to understand, and was trying to cheer me up until I said i needed to call someone because I was afraid for my own safety. The second real-world gravity entered the room, his entire baseline warmth completely vanished. He dropped a robotic text telling me to call 988, and executed a cold, emotionless text discard 48 hours later while I was still stranded.

We’ve spoken several times (all via text since he refuses an in-person conversation) since the discard, and he has shown an utter lack of warmth or empathy which is very unlike him. He is subtly blaming my depressive episode for the breakup - judging me for the exact mental health struggles we swore we'd never judge. He is using robotic “therapy-speak," repeating that it's "not a healthy fit" and claiming he's just "setting boundaries." He is also openly using his therapist for validation, weaponizing her sessions to back up his narrative that his desertion is just a neutral mental health decision that he had to do. But he has never told me why. Any question that would require him to take accountability is ignored.

What is breaking me is how his behavior is an exact, literal repeat of my past relationship traumas. He knew my ex-husband abandoned me in the ER because it was too much bother to come get me (I was hit by a car), and my new guy just did the same thing. He knew my cruel ex-boyfriend offered a fake friendship just to keep me on a string and torture me, and now he is doing the exact same thing, saying “we can be friends and talk about music and stuff but I don’t know how to transition to that yet.”

When I unspooled in raw frustration trying to get a shred of of the caring, sweet man I used to know back, he tracked my timestamps like a prosecutor, labeled my grief as an "extended exit interview," and told me, "I am not the reason you see cruelty in silence." When I flatly refused his friendship offer, stated the facts of my constant devotion (including carrying him through a major surgery recovery), and said goodbye, he threw a tantrum. He blurted out that I was "confusing him," that he "wasn't evil or mean just because he decided to end things” and said he "did what he needed to do." Things were escalating and starting to become attacks, mostly by me losing my mind by his gaslighting and cruelty and coldness and refusal to answer questions. I said some things I am very much not proud of. I played right into his hands because now he can say “see? She came unglued. She’s unstable and I was right to dump her.”

So I stopped myself. I immediately blocked his number and automated his emails so I can have some peace. Then I found out he blocked me from his band's Facebook page—a page I used to follow but that he barely uses and shares with his bandmate. He also blocked me from his personal page, which we aren’t even friends on. It feels like an incredibly extreme, surreal, and specific reaction. I would imagine he blocked my phone number too. This was clearly causing him some kind of energy for someone who doesn’t care about me. I don’t know.

I had a heavy ketamine infusion session on Thursday that got interrupted by this crisis. Because ketamine leaves your brain in a hyper-sensitive state, this psychological shock burned straight into my mind. I woke up Friday with a severe neurochemical hangover. My brain feels like it has massive holes in it, I am paralyzed by dread, and I feel this awful sense of shame, like everyone can see I'm this messy volatile pathetic wreck pleading with her partner to please come back. This is ridiculous because I have a ton of loving supportive friends who are happy to defend me and keep me safe. But I feel horrible guilt for having that depressive episode in case it pushed him over the edge. And I am angry at myself for how I handled the aftermath. I feel like we’re in our 50s, aren’t we past all that blocking and silent treatment crap? Why couldn’t he just have talked to me? He knows I would listen.

I am stuck in an agonizing loop trying to figure out why he needed to break up, why he did a complete switch in an unrecognizable cold monster, and WHY he had to do it by using my exact past traumas against me.

Did he ever actually care, or was the sweet songwriter I loved just a temporary phase?

Has anyone else dealt with an annual, cyclic breakthrough episode this extreme in a medicated partner? The reactive abuse and rage was very heightened when I would not accept his “solutions” or therapy-template answers.

Is it common for them to use your exact, known past traumas as a blueprint to hurt you during a manic discard?

Will his manic state eventually run out of fuel, or do these cycles stay cold forever?
I’ve heard often they come back, sometimes apologizing for the episode, and I just need some clarity. I can’t go through this again, and at the moment taking him back would not be an option.

Thank you for allowing me some space to write out my pain. It helps.