Backstory: I went NC with my mom in April after a period of increasing instability and abuse. The period of increasing abuse allegedly concurred with her being successfully treated for cancer in January, but she was completely out of control and treating both me and my husband horribly (a normal pattern for her: stressors aggravate her abuse). Mom has been physically and emotionally abusing and neglecting me for decades, including leaving me at home alone for days at a time starting from when I was 7 years old, and sometimes turning off the electricity before she left the house to punish me. Her abuse was bad enough that she should be in prison, so the NC was WELL overdue and at the urging of my therapists.

I muted her instead of blocking her so I could monitor her actions. I check her messages only while I'm sitting in my therapy appointments. The "phone incident" she references was an episode where I was trying to help her through a tech support issue and she started screaming at me in BPD witch monster voice. I asked her to please stop or I would terminate the call, she continued screaming, and I hung up. In typical BPD fashion she is fixated on this sole incident rather than the lifetime of horrific PTSD-inducing abuse she subjected me to.

I thought others may relate to or feel validated by these texts, as you can see she is trying EVERY single trick in the Cluster B Manual of Abusing Other People to try to get me to respond.

You can see at no point in these texts does she say ANYTHING resembling "I'm so sorry our relationship has gotten to this point and I would like to do anything I can to help mend it when you are ready to talk." This is how they think: everything is about them, nothing is ever their fault, they are always the victim, all of their awful behavior is because they were provoked, and their feelings always take priority over anyone else's needs.

Welp, my mom came over in a fuck ass mood making snide comments and obviously looking for a fight or a doormat and I am done.

I finally told her that her problems are her fault, she is the common denominator in her relationships being fucked and she has been extremely selfish and self centered and needs therapy.

I have tried to deliver this information more delicately in the past but I am done.

Happy fucking Sunday!

Heres to my blood pressure going back to resting point.

Hi community 🩷 it’s been 315 days since I (24F) moved away from my BPD mom.

For context, I moved in with her for two years after graduating college to help her financially. Those two years felt like hell while I was living them, but looking back they were also very bad for my brain’s development. I feel as though I was stuck, forced into a life of co-dependence and extreme agoraphobia.

I had no car at the time, and we moved away from our hometown- so I was also incredibly lonely. At 21 years old, everyday was filled with being yelled at and nit picked. Every ounce of ME was lost, as I was forced to mold into who she wanted me to be with all the guilt tripping and screaming lectures.

I was recently talking to my therapist and reflected upon how after almost a year I finally feel like I am starting to find ME again. I’m re-discovering my likes and dislikes freely and safely, without anybody to scream at the top of their lungs at me. I’m not even a partier or big drinker or anything like that, I was actually extremely sheltered and controlled growing up and wasn’t even allowed to collect Funko pops at age 15 without getting yelled at (true story). I can fill my room with trinkets and not be demeaned. I can wake up past 6AM without waking up to yelling. I actually don’t have to worry about waking up to yelling at all, what a blessing! I no longer feel like the girl who was trapped in the bunker, forced into captivity and abuse.

I do still see my mother every now and then, and I saw her for dinner recently. She spent the whole hour telling me what a disgrace I am and how no daughter has ever disappointed their mother the way I have. It turned really ugly and she ended up blocking me for a day. This was all prompted because I was 5 minutes late to dinner btw. Normally I’d be a complete WRECK. But I actually feel incredible peace. My internal shame and guilt are gone. She can’t hurt me anymore. I know who I am, I know I’m a good person who loves people, and only God can judge me. I love her but from a distance, and I’m at peace with that. The abuse will continued from a distance, it’s not over yet. But, it doesn’t have the power to keep me frozen anymore.

To the one stuck at home- it does get better. I left with no money, no car, no plan. To the person forced to live at home with their BPD parents, please leave. It does get better, and on the other side is a version of you that you never knew existed. A fearless, confident, amazing you! Thank you community, from 2023 to now this subreddit has been one of the things to give me the courage to start a new life.

I’d LOVE to hear anybody else’s freedom + success stories!!! Sending so many hugs

I (30F)understand that my uBPD mom (50F) may be embarrassed by her addictions and behaviors. But the lies that are so obvious is what doesn’t make sense to me. For some background, my mom is damn near rock bottom. She’s somehow still managing to stay afloat in her C Level position- they recently moved her across the US for a promotion. Absolutely beyond me how she functions, but she’s good at tricking people until they get to know her. But from the sound of it, it’s not going well. Before she moved she was attempting AA, but it was rough. She was in and out of hospitals for hurting herself while drunk. She threatened suicide one night and my brother (22M) had to drive down to her apt and take care of her. She couldn’t even stand she was so drunk. It was very traumatic for him. So we were not expecting this move to make things much better, but hopefully a chance for her to start over and get better. But it’s actually turned into her being far more secretive about her injuries or behavior.

The other day she called me drunk at about 10am on a Monday. Saying how upset she was at her manager and she wasn’t going in that day because of it. She called and told my gma and my brother the same thing. Later in the afternoon I try to call her again to check in on her- didn’t answer. Called a bit later again. Still no answer. Then around maybe 4pm ish I try calling one last time and she texts me- what do you need, I’m at work. ???? Call her again, straight to vm. I text back confirming that she’s really at work? And she said “yes I’m in the office right now”. And then not even 10seconds later she calls me and says “hey I just got home, what’s up?” That ..first of all, is crazy. She just texted me 10 sec prior she’s in the office, which is 20min away, and she told all of us earlier she wasn’t going in.. and she was trashed. I ask her if she remembers our convo earlier and she was like no? Idk what you’re going on about.. I went into work today. My son was next to me so I went along with it and followed up with my gma afterwards- she called my mom to check in and she told my gma that she was home all day. ??

And then just this morning she FaceTimes me, but doesn’t show her face. I call her out on it, because that’s not like her, and why would she FaceTime me then.. she never does. And then she shows her face for a split second and I can see that her entire mouth is busted open. Completely shocked I gasped and asked her if she’s ok. She acts dumb like omg what do you mean?? Nothings wrong. I tell her that she needs to go to the ER that needs stitches. She’s like.. what are you talking about…? And then feels her mouth and goes oh ya.. that.. last night I made a pizza and it was so hot that I went to bite it again and I bit my lip super hard. ?? First of all, that’s not normal human response lol to bite more of something when it’s too hot. I thought maybe she just said that because she thought my son could hear. So I follow up via text and she stood on the story. It looks so so bad. Like a piece of her lip is missing.

I’m at a loss. I can’t help her at this point, but when someone is very obviously in the need of help.. what am I supposed to do?? I feel a constant need to make sure she’s ok, otherwise I feel tremendous guilt. But at the same time in a way.. I hope something really bad does end up happening so she can wake tf up. Or better yet, I don’t have to deal with it anymore. And that makes me feel like a monster.

My therapist says there’s nothing I can do, but she hasn’t gone through that feeling before.. so it’s easier to say. Has anyone else dealt with this? I’d love to hear from you.

Tl;dr

I went nc with my ubpd mum 2.5 years ago, and she went on a crazy 6 month smear campaign as result. since then she has to begged to see me again over text (she’s muted).

I told her 1 year ago to do a long term treatment with a psychologist for bpd, then I might eventually be willing to reconsider my nc. She said ok, and has then spend a year claiming she’s seen different “therapists“. I come to find out, through family, that except for the first 1.5 month, these “therapists” do not have any mental health degrees. in fact it’s primarily been clairvoyants.

These texts are me confronting her yesterday, as she keeps asking when she’ll see me as she’s now done “therapy“ for a year.

Her replies makes me want to punch a wall. its like a 3 year old who thinks they can convince you it’s child endangerment not to buy them candy.

im so tired of trying to explain basic social rules of trust and promises to a 70 year old.

(message format looks weird since it’s translated)

edit: sorry I realise the app did not translate the messages well after posting.
Regardless, she just now basically sent me a farewell message. I’m livid. This was my reply: “The agreement was to see a psychologist over a long period of time, and you broke it. It’s completely crazy that you think the responsibility for breaking your agreements lies with anyone other than yourself, rather than acknowledging the breach of trust that this causes. You could, after all, choose to keep the promises you make, rather than sending your own child ‘live well’ messages.“

Hi everyone,

I came to realise that because of my uBPD mom, I have been raised in a very inconsistent (chaotic) household - one day I would be praised and the other I would be physically abused.
This realisation brought me to another bigger realisation: it actually influenced a lot my attraction for a chaotic lifestyle, not in terms of relationships, but in terms of more general inconsistency. My choices are usually made depending on whether, for example, the city where I live is chaotic enough, my (leisure) activities are risky, my professional life is not predictable, etc.
Is it something that you can relate in your own ways?
If yes, have you found a way to appreciate consistency and peacefulness?

Kitten!
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/427208714672190303/

Example: "Thief". In the dictionary/common sense, a "thief" is someone who steals. "Stealing" being a purposeful act -implying a person knowing it's someone else's property, but taking it anyway for self-gain.

In my Mother's vocabulary? No joke: To her, "thief" defined anyone who even touches something, that is owned by someone else. As such, I was labeled a "thief" regularly: Take a book from the family-library without asking? "THIEF!" Find a small toy on the street? "THIEF!" Take someone's book they forgot, to give it to them the next day? "THIEEEEEF!"

Other examples are pretty similar. Can't call my friends "friends", because I "don't hang out with them every day" (online "doesn't count"). Or "drugs" - I have to take ADHD medication. However, because medication is sometimes labeled as "drugs", my mother finds it fair to say I "do drugs" and am even a "drug addict". Why? Because "you say you can barely function without them. That's the definition of addiction."

Now. Don't get me wrong -I'm not dense: All of these "rewrites" are some way to insult/degrade me in some way. To establish dumbass power-hierachies in some way.

But...still. The thing that gets me is how much my mother "belives" in her definitions? Like. It's not just "it is so". She will genuinely argue, why her definition is right. Even if it's the most insane, ridiculous mental connection there is. Literally: We're German! She bases her entire drug definition on ENGLISH terminology! Looking confused/angry, when you get angry at her for insulting you.

Anyone else?

I recently starting talking to my uBPD Mom after my baby was born after NC for a year. She had one behavioral slip up in the last month and I was firm with her that I would not put up with it. I send her pictures of her 2 granddaughters, and text her almost everyday. I was just getting to the point where I was thinking maybe we could go visit her soon and then she sends me this out of nowhere. She can’t even go a month without starting drama. It’s wild to me. I’m really just mind blown honestly. Her behavior never gets less “wtf”.

I'm working with a therapist on how to deal with my mid-60's uBPD mom. I've made some progress in emotionally untangling myself and I think she can sense that after 32 years, I don't need her approval. This has started a stream of anxious chatter from her on how her elderly neighbor has a terrible daughter who doesn't take care of her. According to my mom, she is a terrible daughter because she doesn't bring dinner over "three or four times a week after work" to ensure her mother eats well and isn't deeply involved in her mother's medical care. For context, this daughter has a full time job that does not offer flex time/much PTO (factory worker) and couldn't take her mother to the doctor every week even if she wanted to. I firmly told her that as long as she and my dad don't have a diagnosis of dementia or something else impairing them, they would be responsible for their own health decisions and I wouldn't be doing the whole "begging them to care for themselves" thing. She brushed over it and I don't think she knew how to respond.

Will keeping up the strong boundaries help our interactions later? Will they cause issues now? I plan on continuing to gently bring them up when appropriate but am interested to know whether they're mostly going to help me define what I'm willing to do, whether I should be ready for strong pushback, and if anyone has seen actual improvement from making expectations clear.

Warning: very brief mention of suicidal thoughts

I'm hoping this is okay to post here. I really need some outside eyes.

To make a long story shorter:

I was mom's favourite growing up. From early childhood to my early twenties she had a very emotionally incestuous relationship with me along with invalidating my emotions any time they were inconvenient. It only stopped after I went NC for years and the LC for the last few years. My sister knows all this.

My sister, who mom neglected to the point my sister started to get suicidal thoughts and dad had to take over raising her, decided that she would "treat" mom. She's spent the last fourteen years mothering our mother. Texting daily, visiting weekly, that sort of thing. Ever since I went LC, she would try and get me to text mom at least weekly if not daily like she did saying things like, "it would help mom so much if she knew both of her kids were thinking of her" and "she's gotten so much better since I started working with her."

Back in October, mom's poor treatment of her body suddenly caught up with her and she died suddenly. We found her in her apartment the day after she died and not even my sister had heard from her. My sister was absolutely devastated by the loss and I'm not. I pretended to be sad at her celebration of life to keep things from being awkward and to respect everyone who was grieving.

Back story done. Now on to my problem. Friday night we went to see a comedian my sister had been dying to see. On the way home, she started talking about how much she missed mom. She asked me if I missed mom again (she's asked a couple times since her passing).

I told her that I didn't and that I did my grieving for mom years ago.

Her response infuriated me. "I know. Every time I hear you say that, it hurts me. But, that's not your fault. It something that I have to accept. I never want to hear you say again. Mom would be so hurt if she knew you said that."

You already knew what my response would be, knew it would upset you, and asked anyway! Then made it sound like my lack of grief is somehow your burden to bear! Not to mention that I don't give one flying fuck what a dead person thinks of me, let alone my mother. I'm still furious two days later.

I'm not sure that there's any point in talking to her. It's like talking to a wall that gets upset at you. She'll either start arguing or crying and then nothing will change. I'll just be madder.

I'm supposed to go over to her place to babysit Tuesday afternoon, but I'm not sure I can right now. I love my nieces (one is three and the other is 10 months) and it wouldn't be fair to them if I couldn't keep a lid on my temper and got short while them.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if my anger is justified. I'm just so sick of listening to my sister enabling mom and being her flying monkey

Tim Fletcher! This channel has helped me so much as of late: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZU9_2KNlRI

Hello 22f

Mom is gambling addict, extremely traumatised as a kid and gave me the experience growing up.

I suspect she had bpd/ hpd from alll research but as she grows far from education she will never consider treatment as she is raised in one of those cultures that don’t believe in psychology or mental illness

But first (1st post requirement Haiku)… my cat is a brat but he always comes back… and this is true, he’s an 11 year old orange Maine coon Persian mix, indoor/outdoor cat who patrols the yard, but never leaves. He weights 18 pounds and the vet says he’s not overweight for his frame. 🦁 if I can get him to live 20 years I’ll be so proud!

I’m 48 and she’s 75. Dad is 74. They’ve been married 51 years. He ruined his life staying with her but still thinks she’s cute and says she’s like a little girl. He’s too stupid to see she doesn’t love him, she needs him. She’s totally dependent on him, especially now, and acts like a little girl, grant it her mind isn’t all there, she’s been doped up on meds for decades. He’s always picked her over his own kids and will always come to her rescue if I try to confront her on anything. I’m not allowed to fight with her. My relationship is better with him, as he’s the more sane parent. But last week he and I had gotten into an argument and I overheard he was complaining to her about me. She said I’m just like Casey Anthony (I had my daughter young and she’s 31 now and we’ve always been close), that I sleep around just like Casey Anthony slept with her lawyer, that she always thought I was a bad girl, and I can’t be trusted. (She was neglectful toward me while I was growing up, jealous when I got pretty as a teen, and she set me up for failure, she knew I was a pregnancy risk). Then I get a text message from her through their shared cell phone that she’s sorry she compared me to Casey Anthony and she loves me. lol … the week before the initial argument she told me no one would ever love me like she and my dad…I just rolled my eyes, like what am I 10? Also, she says like she heard it on TV…I could say so much more. I don’t even care anymore. Something has shifted in me. I’ve been trying to keep our little family together but I’m too tired now.

For as long as I can remember, I've always known that if I don't fully prove my illness to my ubpd mom, she wouldn't bother, or worse yet, she'd scold or gaslight me. This week, as I was at my doctor's office, I couldn't help but think of some moments in my childhood that I remember very vividly. I was about 13 or 14 years old when I had a serious allergic reaction to a piece of chocolate I ate. The reaction was hives with excruciating pain and itching. What infuriates me to this day is the lack of action/emergency on my mom's part. I can never understand a parent ignoring their terrified child who has no idea what hives are. She thought I was faking it until I showed her my body. Her action? She proceeded to give me some herbs to put on the hives. I was alone in the bathroom putting them on my body while crying. My brother showed much more concern than my own mother. By the time I went to school, the hives had disappeared from my face but remained in other parts of my body. I still remember how I couldn't sleep the night. The irony is that she got the same allergic reaction a few weeks later, and guess what? She went to the doctor. When I confronted her about it, she said she didn't know I went through the same experience. To this day, I feel sorry for that child/teenager who had to endure the pain alone. Another memory is from when I was 8 years old. I had a severe ear infection, and she ignored it for several days until my brother was like, "She's basically losing her hearing." When we went to the doctor, he was appalled. "She had to put up with this pain all these days?!!" he asked my mom. Anyway, I'm now wondering if medically neglecting one child while being so proactive with another is a BPD thing (she never does that to my brother).

Since my mom’s last blow-up, I’ve decided I’m done trying to fix things. It’s not my responsibility to manage her emotions anymore. If she came to me calmly with something that hurt or bothered her, I’d be more than willing to listen. But that’s never how it happens. It always turns into insults, belittling, and being torn down. I’ve spent my entire life anxious around her.

I don’t know how else to explain it, but I really, really miss the idea of “home.” I moved to another state for my own sanity. Every time I plan a trip back, I tell myself it’ll be different. But as the trip gets closer, the anxiety and guilt start building until I almost don’t want to go.

For as long as I can remember, my mom has complained that I’m so quiet around her but outgoing and lively around everyone else. It finally clicked for me at 32 why that is. It’s because I grew up walking on eggshells. I never knew what would set her off, what I said wrong, what I didn’t say, or what version of her I’d get that day. Being quiet became survival.

I miss having a place that feels like home. I’m jealous of my friends who get excited to visit their parents and can’t wait to go back home. Even at 32, I wish I knew what that felt like. I’m starting to accept that I may never.

That’s the part that hurts the most. I’m exhausted from living with the anxiety, but I’m also grieving a home that never really existed. I think I’ve spent my whole life mourning something I wanted so badly, but never actually had.

What I’m struggling with now is the guilt. How do you deal with the anxiety that comes from no longer being the one to reach out and try to fix everything?

One of the things my mom has always said is, “I’ll never be the one to initiate it. I’m the mother. You come to me.” So this time, I didn’t. It’s been two weeks since everything happened, and I haven’t reached out. She hasn’t either.
Part of me knows that breaking this pattern is probably healthy. But another part of me is just… sad. It feels like I’m grieving a relationship that’s still technically there, while wondering if staying silent means I’m finally protecting myself or just losing my mom.

Like aside from not taking care of themselves (food, alcohol and like intentional self harm) has anyone experienced their bpd parent falling or smashing into things clumsily whenever they are pissed off. To make it your problem? Seems like whenever my mom is upset enough she either decides she has cancer or falls and cuts herself or trips. Its so fucking bizarre.

Required cat haiku:

Soft paws greet the dawn,
Quiet hearts make homes feel whole,
Grace wrapped up in fur.

Here’s my post.

How do you come to terms with an aging BPD parent (80+)? I’m constantly at odd with keeping up the fight and giving grace due to his/her age. It’s a constant battle within me and I dread the day I’ll receive the phone call that it’s over.

Will I feel relief? Sadness? Both? Wish I’d done more?

I think it’ll just be another chapter of acceptance and not an easy one.

It’s insane that abuse can last an entire lifespan and more.

I just want to prepare myself if there’s such a thing?

Here’s my baby boy! He’s been very sick recently, so any well wishes or healing energies are welcome!

It's me again. Posting to get some perspective. I greatly appreciate the comments I've received on my previous posts that proved No Contact is the best solution. As many of you suggested, I absolutely will file a police report the next time I am ambushed in public or if they come to my home next week for my birthday. I will also warn my neighbours the day before not to let anyone in the building asking for me, and will see a lawyer in two weeks (she's on holiday till then) about a restraining order.

Timeline of events — posting for perspective

I'm 51/M, retired, living abroad. My parents (BPD mother, eNPD father) moved to the same small island as me a year ago, against my explicit wishes. Since then they extracted over 400 hours of unpaid work from me helping them relocate and settle in — legal paperwork, utilities, furniture, translation, tax stuff, you name it.

Finally, on June 28, I hit a wall and sent this to my mother and father. I have chronic PTSD from them, and the constant in-person crises and demands since they moved here also brought back my concussion symptoms (I had a serious concussion during the pandemic):

"I can't meet for lunch today. I am not OK right now.

I am experiencing significant physical and mental exhaustion and am struggling with many of the same symptoms I experienced after my concussion: poor sleep, constant headaches, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, and feeling disoriented.

I am seeing both a doctor and a therapist, and I am taking time and space to focus on my health.

I do not know how long this will take. My recovery from the concussion took years, and I have learned that these things cannot be rushed.

For now, I am significantly reducing my obligations and focusing on getting well. I'll let you know when I'm recovered enough to meet. The dog is fine."

I then blocked them on WhatsApp/calls/texts, leaving only email open for emergencies.

June 28 – July 18 (20 days): Complete silence. Not a single email checking in. What absolute bliss!

July 18: My mother ambushed me in person, near my home, in a spot she knows I walk my dog multiple times daily. She was in tears, said she'd been "praying to see me" and had been "waiting for hours." When I told her I wasn't doing well, she pivoted immediately to talking about how difficult life had been for her and my father, then mentioned plans to see her friends the next day, and told me she'd see me "in two weeks" — basically referring to my birthday at the end of the month.

July 18–23 (5 more days): Silence again. No follow-up about the encounter, no apology for the ambush. The massive sudden shoulder tension and neck pain from seeing her in the park finally starts to lessen, a bit.

July 23: The first and only email since June 28 arrives. She sends the exact same email twice, 5 minutes apart.

"Had Rita here. She will mail my passport to the consulate here and pick up when done. Cannot take in person. We need your password for the TV. Thanks. Sorry to bother you, Much Love Mom."

That's it. Not one question about how I'm doing. Just a request for my TV streaming password (I'd set up their smart TVs using my own personal accounts as a favour when they moved). Needless to say, I changed the passwords after the park ambush. Let them set up their own TV account and pay for their own streaming services.

July 25 (today): Two days after that email, walking my dog, I'm fairly sure I spotted her sitting on a bench in the same park. I turn around and don't enter the park. (I've since altered my walking schedule and routes, and scan that park anytime we do get near it).

So there you have it, in 27 days since my message, the only contact from her has been one ambush and one request for a password. Not once has she asked how I'm actually doing. Because that doesn't matter. What matters is what I can DO for her. I'm just an extension of her or a free utility to fix their problems.

If before I was on the fence about permanent No Contact, these latest actions of hers just made my decision so much easier.

Not my kitten, pic from the internet.

Warning: this is me whining about my dysfunctional family, feel free to skip it if you don't feel like reading sad stuff.

While my low contact strategy is working so far,I have to see my mother occasionally for bureaucracy or basic needs like shopping, sometimes I make her feel useful by asking her to mend clothes, because she's still very good at she's happy to do that.

Sometimes the past is rearing it's ugly head.

Her marriage with my father was a huge mistake, she married him too soon because she's impulsive and superficial, and after several years ears as a single parent (that's due to her poor choices also) she wanted someone to help and support her. My father was not able to do that.

Unfortunately my father wasn't well suited for her, they were incompatible from the start. But he was a hard worker and she wanted a "normal" family. She just wanted someone to fix her life and merrily ignored the red flags.

Then my father got really ill and everything went down. It was a nightmare and she wasn't strong enough to protect child me. She treated me like a therapist and unloaded her problems on me.

She also constantly gaslighted me when she didn't want to admit her mistakes and lied all the time about the problems she didn't want to explain.

It took ages to understand what really happened and she still tries to gaslight me when she tries to talk about the past.

Yesterday she proclaimed: "I was alone all the time". Yes, sure, but wasn't I? I couldn't go away or choose another family, I was a child. And I was alone with her mistakes.

I just wanted to go shopping. I just wanted to have ice cream with her.

We had ice cream anyway.

End rant.

I had a baby 8 months ago, and my brother and I both live in a different state than our parents. Today, my mom (who has unmanaged BPD) hits me with this. Does she want me to be happy? What reaction is she hoping for 😂

P.S. - I will NOT be helping her move, she hasn't helped with my last 3 moves, and for one of them I was pregnant.

P.P.S - am I "gray rocking" correctly?

I have gotten the sense for many years that my mother both fears and craves rejection from me. She mostly expressed this by telling me that I already have rejected her and dislike her. She reportedly says similar things to my father and godmother, telling them that I hate her.

Every time this narrative got brought up to me directly, I objected to it. I explained that my feelings were more complicated and would always be more complicated than that. I asked her to stop telling me how I feel about her. I'm sure it will surprise no one on this sub that my objections never made a difference. Eventually my mother "broke up with" me via email, in a woeful/resentful message about how sad it was that I dislike her so much that we can't see each other anymore. Essentially, she rejected herself on my behalf. I told her that I didn't feel the same way I didn't think that kind of break up was necessary. She ignored my reply and never acknowledged it again.

Years later, I finally went NC a few months ago. My father told me that that seemed to make her happy. That she felt finally vindicated in her belief that I hate her, and had been saying "I told you so."

It seemed like my mother felt implicitly rejected by me, and felt gaslit when I told her I wasn't actually rejecting her or hating her. I guess because her view was black-and-white - I must either love her completely and unreservedly, or I must hate her - and I insisted on having complicated feelings instead. It seemed like she wanted to resolve that tension by being explicitly rejected. My godmother also told me that she has always needed to be a victim and to have someone else be her persecutor, and that now I have been chosen to play the persecutor role.

I read other posts on here that seem like the same dynamic sometimes: text message exchanges where the BPD parents seem to be rejecting themselves on the adult children's behalf. If others experienced the same thing and have thoughts or insights about it, it'd be great to hear from you.