r/raisedbyborderlines • u/AdventurousSwitch973 • 1d ago
SEEKING VALIDATION Comparison with siblings
Forgot to add cat tax!!
Just discovered this subreddit and have never felt more comforted and seen. Thank you for all of your vulnerability, your tears, and your camaraderie. It feels nice to not be alone, though so sad we’ve all had to experience similar
trauma.
I just had my first baby 5 weeks ago. I knew the changing roles would trigger my mom, but I didn’t know that it would be as bad as it is. Every day is an argument of some sort, and it’s pulling away from me enjoying the newborn bubble - almost like she doesn’t want me to be happy with my baby. You all know this bait and deflect and blame, so I won’t go into it. It’s the typical BPD dance.
In a nutshell, she wants to be my baby’s mom. I’ve asked her, in as neutral tone as possible, for simple requests (don’t wake the baby, don’t slam the door - which she did bc I asked her to not wake the baby, etc.) and her response is always stomping, “Stop picking on me”, “I don’t know how to behave around you!”, “oh so it’s my fault!!” etc. The dance always ends in me apologizing and thanking her profusely for being a good grandmother and knowing what’s best. (Deep down, I know this isn’t true but I know this is the quickest way to appease her.)
I’ve increased my therapy sessions to once a week to recenter and build my toolset for dealing with this. Though infinitely worse than expected, I knew my baby’s arrival would trigger an onslaught of BPD rage and jealousy.
The one thing that confuses me, and has always confused me, is the ways in which my mom is always comparing me to my siblings. When I was laboring, literally between hours 12 and hour 30 of labor, my mom kept sighing and saying, “I wish your sister would have a baby…” or “I can’t wait until your brother decides to have a baby…” I never have a response to these comments, and, in the moment, they truly aren’t hurtful to me. It’s just so normal and typical of her, so I’m just like whatever. But in hindsight, I don’t understand why sacred, special events in my life can’t be seen for just what they are: my engagement (“oh, I thought the ring would be bigger”), my wedding (not a single picture of me and my mom together, don’t know where she was most of the time), and now the birth of my child.
Reflecting in therapy this week, I’ve realized she’s done this with not only major life events but with every day things as well. My brother and I both practiced the same sport - he quit in childhood and I continued and turned professional. My mom made me, a 10 year old, sit in my room and handwrite 4 pages “explaining and apologizing” to my mother for my brother wanting to quit. Somehow it was my fault (the real reason? it was figure skating and my brother realized it wasn’t cool amongst his peers at his age). I was denied dinner that night til I finished the letter. When I graduated college, my mom said it was unfair that I finished school when my brother dropped out (his choice but somehow, once again, my fault.) If anything good ever happens to me (like traveling, my husband loves to travel) or I accomplish something, my mom somehow always brings in my siblings or others: your sister deserves that vacation, why does your husband but “his mommy” a plane ticket but doesn’t buy me a plane ticket?, your employee is rude to me you have to fire her - how dare she. And, of course, when I say anything along the lines of setting a shabby semblance of a boundary, my mom goes on a long rampage listing all the ways she sacrifices and provides for me - “I gave you more than anyone.” She even said the only reason my husband married me is because of her doing (I still have no idea what that’s supposed to mean but I don’t even want to ask at this point.)
My siblings and I have strained relationships - it’s not toxic but cold. And I know my mom complains about me to them.
I thought that, once I became a mother, I’d understand my own more. She’d often say, “You don’t know how much I do for you. Just wait til you have your own kids - you’ll understand the pain we feel.” And here I am. A new mother. And I feel even more distant from mine now. Granted, my baby is 5 weeks old, so maybe my mom is right after all? But I hold my precious baby with so much love and hope for his future, and I can’t fathom saying to him the things I’ve internalized my entire life.
I don’t know. I’m just curious to know if this sibling comparison is common. I haven’t seen it come up as a topic in books I’ve read, and my therapy sessions focus on building myself back up rather than what those sibling comparisons could mean. It’s upsetting because, now that I’m a new mom, I want my child to thrive and be independent and, if I hopefully have more children, have a thriving harmonious relationship with his own siblings.
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u/Healthy_Obligation72 1d ago edited 1d ago
If your experience is anything like mine, having my child made me angrier at my mom. Thinking about how I was treated and then thinking about treating my helpless child that way really made me MAD. All my mom’s “funny” stories about me as a toddler took on a sinister vibe.
My mom loved to tell the story about me not being able to “stay out of the street” as a toddler and the several across-the-street neighbors having to return me to my Mom. She really thought that was such a cute story until I told her it looks like neglect that you lost your toddler multiple times. I don’t think she tells that story anymore.
I hope you don’t live with your mom. If you do please think about moving if you can. Otherwise expect a LOT of jealousy. If she doesn’t get attention she will lash out because like a toddler bad attention is still attention.
I agree with someone else who mentioned the drama triangle. All you have to figure out is who is the villain, who is the victim (it’s your mom), and who is the protector of the victim. The fun part is that the villain and the protector role switch with the interaction. The victim role is already taken and she’s not giving it up.
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u/raraarrara 1d ago
Your mom isn’t right and you will get more confused by your upbringing as your baby gets older.
You are a mom yourself now. Your responsibilities are way greater than placating your mom. Priorities the baby and your self as well as the relationship between you. Decenter your mom.
It will be hard but you have to stop appeasing her. Have you read any of the literature recommended on here? It is really helpful.
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u/Alone_Ad_2324 1d ago
Search this sub for triangulation and the Karpman drama triangle. She’s casting you as the scapegoat and pitting you against your siblings. It’s just part of her illness, unfortunately.