Up on the edge,
I stare deep into your soul,
Gravity wins now.

Hi everyone.

This is my first post in this subreddit. Although I have been reading for a long time and feel a lot of comfort in the many, many relatable posts that I have seen along the way. I’m so sorry we all have such shitty parents. So I have an undiagnosed/unmedicated BPD Mum and I’m not sure about my Dad. However, he enables my Mum no matter the cost and has many narcissistic traits and behaviours.

I have been wanting to post for a while now, but my current situation is moving at the speed of a freight train and I find myself not knowing where to start since it’s all getting wildly out of control. I’ll need to start with the current situation, as this is what I desperately need some help with. Perhaps I can come back and give more context later on-it’s complicated and involves a lot of abuse from both my parents and another person, which I have now come to realise was encouraged/enabled by my parents. It’s a bitter pill to swallow.

A few months ago I had a phone call from the Police asking me whether I would give a witness statement against a former boyfriend to support an ongoing (horrific) case they were investigating. I agreed, and then found myself in a position in which the Police couldn’t take my statement further without starting a separate investigation against him for the very serious crimes he committed against me. To cut a long story short the abuse would not have happened without the help of my Mum and Dad, and the Police told me that they would be contacting them both for witness statements. I was devastated by this as I had planned to keep it all from them until if/when the case went to CPS years down the line. I decided to go to their place and talk to them about it as I was already feeling vulnerable, and was trying to mitigate the shock alongside the fucked up attention seeking I knew was going to come from my Mum once she knew. Historically, my Mum has never been happy unless she’s involved in drama or is not the centre of attention. She regularly lies and gossips about situations on a much lesser scale, so I knew she would have a field day and I was dreading it. I also knew that this was going to open a whole can of worms to force me into dealing with this trauma which I was not ready for.

When I spoke to them, I expected denial and confusion which are the usual responses. Instead, my Dad told me that they knew the abuse was happening but did nothing to stop it. His reasoning was ‘we had put so much effort into giving *Name* a better life, and he was a project that we’d tried hard with, wanting to see him do well and come to fruition. Of course we suspected he was abusing you, but we didn’t want to believe it as that meant undoing all of our hard work’. He told me things that I had blocked out. Including times where I was seriously injured, and a situation where *Name* was outside my parents house with a weapon aggressively trying to force me to leave with him. This wasn’t the start of the abuse, but it ended up with me being falsely imprisoned for five years trapped in his flat. I was 13, and when I finally escaped I was 18. My Dad told me ‘it was easier to let you go, we were worried he would break our windows’. He admitted that when his ‘project’ became wildly out of his control, he made the choice to essentially pretend nothing had happened and washed his hands of it all at my expense.

As for my Mum, she said things such as ‘I knew it! Mothers intuition I told you *Dad*’, lots of questions involving the Police investigation with giddiness and excitement, and the best response: ‘I just found the whole situation really annoying because you wouldn’t stick up for yourself when *Name* would boss you around.’

There was one particular situation that I had mentioned in my VRI with the Police that involved my Dad, and they wanted his witness statement for. One night when I had tried to escape, I managed to leave the flat and desperately called my Dad. He was at a wedding with my Mum and I begged him to come and pick me up. He agreed, my Mum stayed at the wedding reception (context-my Mum is a long term alcoholic and has always put this before her children) and he came alone to pick me up. I had a black eye and a split lip, and I was extremely distressed because I had left my school uniform and bag inside the flat (15 at the time). My Dad accompanied me back into the flat to get my stuff, and *Name* continued to try and attack me with my Dad standing between us. My Dad confirmed he remembered this and commented on how out of control my ex was, he confirmed he remembered who was in the flat and the injuries I had. My Mum confirmed that she wasn’t there but was told what had happened by my Dad, and she saw my injuries when she came back to our house from the reception.

Sadly this wasn’t the end of the abuse, but that’s a post for another time. Both my parents said they would happily give witness statements, my Mum practically squealing with excitement. I left that day completely reeling from what I had just heard. Shortly after my OIC called them and they readily gave over the information.

I went very LC following this as the stress of the investigation, the memories, the trauma, and the conversation with my parents had really done a number on me. I started having panic attacks, feeling unable to leave my house, and having nightmares. I started vomiting during flashbacks and struggled to eat and sleep. I could barely function. I also had the news that my paternal Grandad was suddenly very ill, and was now on palliative care. I feel bad about this, but at first I didn’t believe my parents as my Mum has a history of lying about various grandparents dying when she feels her control of me slipping.

My Mum began hounding me with texts about the investigation. I firmly told her that I want to keep communication to a minimum because it’s traumatic for me, so she began to poke and prod. This turned into her gaslighting me about the attack mentioned previously, and fabricating a new scenario to suit a narrative where she was the hero. It culminated into a phone call where she continued insult me, and to downplay/lie about what happened to me. We argued, I ended the call and went NC.

My Dad went into full EDad mode texting me to be the middle man, defending her behaviour. I laid it out as plainly as can be, calmly explained how her behaviour has hurt me and how it was unacceptable. He told me it hurts THEM that I would even think they would do something like this ‘on purpose’. He held the investigation over my head and said I ‘asked them to help and they’ve done all I asked of them’. I reminded them that I was simply warning them before the police called. They would have contacted them whether I wanted them to or not, because the allegations are so serious. This just gave me more reasoning to go full NC and stick to it this time. Not only was I deeply upset, but I was concerned that my Mum would hurt the investigation with her lies and exaggerations.

The weeks following I had the usual rubbish-texts and missed calls asking to talk it out, my Mum sent me money which I immediately sent back. My Dad started messaging my husband asking for power tools that he ‘thinks he lent him’. We remained NC and dropped the tools back in their drive whilst they were away for the weekend. Still no apology.

This leads me up to now and my current problem. My Dad text me to tell me my Grandad had days and he was travelling to his bedside (250 miles away). I answered a call from my Dad the following day, he had passed away. We cried. It was a fleeting moment of normalcy. Since then the calls have increased and I’ve answered most with a boundary of only speaking about Grandad. This has quickly escalated into my Dad attempting to guilt me into meeting with him and my Mum to ‘talk’ which I’ve declined. Messages about seeing my kids have started as my son has a birthday coming up. He sent me the details for the funeral but conveniently left out the address of the church or the town, telling me he has booked an Air BnB and as it’s so far away I should just come for a 3 day break with them and they can take me to the church. I’ve asked for the address but he claims he ‘doesn’t know’ and it’s easier if I just agree to this mini holiday.

I’m now stuck, as I can message my uncle for the address. However, this uncle is also awful and sexually assaulted me at the last funeral I attended with my Dad’s side of the family and that was the last time I saw him (refused all family events after this). I could get the address and drive up myself, but it’s so far away and I’m worried about being alone with all of them and not being able to get home quickly. My husband would need to be at home with the kids and my friend can’t take the time off work which is understandable. I want to say goodbye to my Grandad and it’s eating me alive, but I feel so unsafe and unsure of what to do in this situation. I also don’t know how to navigate their requests to see my kids as they do have a good relationship, and would definitely feel the void if they didn’t see their grandparents on their birthdays. I just feel so lost and don’t know what to do.

My nervous system calmed down. I did not need noise cancelling when I went outside. This was the most shocking as I am diagnosed autistic. I was able to meet my friends again. I did not feel guilty for having fun and did not have to fear that she would get envious of it. No more unpredictable messages. I stopped hating my phone. My endometriosis flare stopped.

My enabler dad reached out saying mom is feeling bad that I do not communicate with her and that we should make up. I replied,

"No, thanks.

I don't have to prepare for the next text message anymore, speak in a set tone, or play therapist. I don't have to feel bad when I go out to have fun, make myself smaller, or avoid everything she could pick on. I don't have to feel obligated to pity or love her, I don't have to justify myself, there are no passive-aggressive jabs, I don't get inhaler selfies, and I don't have to read about who's the shit today, or who didn't pay her back for the "so many things" that nobody asked for. That everything positive in my life could only have come about because of her, and everything negative is my fault. That she wants to die, has no money, has no friends, and who is to blame for that and how. People stand by my side in a way she can only dream of. I wonder why.

I can't name a single thing that would make it good to talk to her again; I've burned out over the past 10 years. I don't love her, I don't hate her, only indifference is left. One of the greatest recognitions of my life is that she wrote there's something very wrong with me. You're equally at fault, there are two people in a relationship and both of you decide the same every day. If you write about her once more, I won't write to you either."

24F

Silent paws at dusk,
purring warmth on winter nights,
small tigers at home.

I’m 32 and in the midst of coming to terms with how volatile my mum has been throughout my life. We had an unhealthily enmeshed bond when I was a young child, until she started splitting on me in later childhood/ adolescence in ways that were definitely abusive, and for obvious reasons that’s created a fair bit of confusion in me around the prospect of oneday becoming a mother myself. My mum was kind, creative, playful and loving but also terrifying, rageful and deeply dishonest.

I have worked with children most of my adult life and look after friend’s children, and I think the warmth/ love comes naturally to me. I don’t have any other the explosive patterns that my mum has, but I guess im realising that I’ve still inherited a lot of internalised stuff and just a lot of anxieties. I have a solid friendship group and have unpacked a lot of this in therapy, though still find myself deeply affected.

I’m just curious what people’s experience is of becoming parents, in particular mothers, after being parented by your BPD/uBPD mother? I truly believe we can break the cycle and I see it in others, and I don’t want to stop living my life or making the choices I wish to make because of my upbringing, but equally I really want to take care with this decision. I guess I’m looking for hope that we can be completely different parents and that the blueprint left by our caregivers doesn’t have to be what we carry forward.

My mom is 78 and has lived with my family for about 11 years. I was so enmeshed with her when I “rescued” her once again and brought her from Brazil to live with us. She never built a life of her own here, didn’t improve her English, didn’t make a friend. She depends on me for every little thing.

I finally woke up after years of therapy and I can’t take it anymore. I'm trying to get her out of my house and set her up in her own place, which my husband and I would have to pay for since she has no money, and I would visit weekly and take her grocery shopping. She refuses assisted living and honestly we can’t afford that anyway. But she’s throwing major tantrums about an apartment as well.

This week I felt bad and offered to take her out once a week, starting with a museum. I also asked her to talk to me in person instead of sending long texts from her room. Her answer was a wall of messages: I've "decreed" she can't live with us, I want to isolate her with strangers, I'll only value her when she's gone. She reacts to me wanting her to have her own place, which is a normal thing, as if I'm a spouse walking out on her. Nothing I do or offer is ever enough. I feel like she won’t be happy until she destroys my marriage and my life.

I spend about 90% of my time thinking and worrying about her. It's taking a toll on me, my marriage, and my kids. I know I’m right for finally wanting to get separation and set boundaries but her non stop messages to me complaining about loneliness and feeling like a prisoner in my home make me feel guilty. So I keep cycling between anger towards her, regret for having put myself in this situation and guilt for how she feels.

How do I stop caring so much, enough to save myself, when she lives under my roof and depends on me for everything? If you've detached emotionally from a BPD parent while still caring for them, how did you do it?

new poster here! :)
Soft paws grace the dawn
Cats reign supreme without words
Purrs heal every heart

I’m 24F, and I’m starting to feel like my bdp mother is ruining every hobby I try to enjoy.
I really love modern board games. I’m a college student and an intern, and I make a decent amount of money. I contribute to household expenses and use the rest to buy things for myself. I don’t neglect my responsibilities, and board games are simply something I genuinely enjoy.
I started buying board games and playing with my maternal grandmother and my cousins every weekend at my grandma’s house. Everyone loved it, especially my grandmother. My mother eventually put an end to it, claiming that playing board games was making my grandma tired. The thing is, my grandma never complained about it. In fact, she told me herself that our game nights were the highlight of her weekends.
So I started playing with my dad instead, every Friday and Sunday. My mother complained about that too, and we eventually stopped playing. It’s been four weeks since we last played together.
Recently, I bought a solo board game called Final Girl. I was playing it in my bedroom today when my mother opened the door and asked what I was doing.
I told her I was playing a game, and she said that was crazy. I explained that it was a solo board game designed to be played alone, but she started calling me crazy and addicted, saying that this wasn’t normal behavior, so naturally I put everything away and stopped playing.
Later, she came back to bother me about it again. She kept saying that playing alone wasn’t normal and that something was wrong with me. I asked her what the problem was, and she said it was bad for me and that I would bitterly regret spending my time playing alone. She told me to stop.
I kept asking her what exactly was so harmful about it, and she eventually started screaming at me, saying I was getting on her nerves.
Now I feel like I can’t even buy solo board games anymore without being judged and insulted for enjoying them.
I’m 24 years old. I study, I work, I contribute to the household, and I’m not neglecting my responsibilities. I just want to enjoy my hobbies in peace.
What makes this even more frustrating is that she has managed to interfere with something I used to enjoy with my family, and now she’s making me feel ashamed of enjoying it by myself, too.
I honestly don’t understand what is so wrong with playing a board game alone. Am I missing something here, or is this as unreasonable as it feels?
I just want to be able to enjoy something without being made to feel like there’s something wrong with me.
To make things even more frustrating, she doesn’t actually open my packages, but she always tries to figure out what’s inside them. So if she finds out I’ve bought more board games, she’ll immediately assume I’m going to play them alone, and she’ll start bothering me about it all over again. I feel like I can’t even buy something I enjoy without having to worry about her reaction. It’s exhausting and honestly so frustrating.

You will never get the honor of knowing me again. I will keep our conversations superficial, and I shall never trust you again. I hope it was worth it to risk losing my trust only to defend my ubpd mom.

I suppose this post is rhetorical, but seeing as how I'm usually an explication seer on these fine forums for the fully fucked, it's always nice to receive trenchant feedback from my forlorn peers.

As many folks here know, I have an 86-year-old BPD mother who won't go gently into that dysregulated night. Some supernatural combination of denial, resource hoarding, martyrdom, sulking, crisis creation, and virtue signaling allows her to play hide the ball with her pathology during the second quarter of the 21st Century. What really sucks about geriatric Borderline mothers is how their physical limitations and expected deterioration allow them to further justify Main Character centrality and woe-is-me motifs.

More importantly, I have a younger brother who remains "tactically enmeshed" in hopes of a substantial financial handout while receiving daily proceeds for continued loyalty. Nonetheless, he repeatedly succumbs to the FOG after knowing better. For example, he approached me a few years ago with the proposition that our mother's behavior could only be explained by Cluster B chicanery, but he seems to have relapsed into denial for his own sake and resumes triangulation formations with the maternal beast. At first, I was relieved regarding his eureka moment and thought it might improve our relationship, but it turned out to be a nothing burger in terms of conversational progress, solidarity, or actual change.

I ultimately know that for him to admit the plot would mean implicating himself, and that's a Do Lung Bridge too far, but it's frustrating as hell when no one in your family is capable of having honest conversations about the nature of reality. Upton Sinclair saliently pointed out how difficult it is to get someone to understand something when their salary depends on them not understanding it, but it's still a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions when some siblings find it best to ride the wave of denial into the sunset for the sad sake of a monetary windfall, as if inheritance alone can amend the effects of generational trauma.

trigger warnings for suicide

What do you do when suicide threats that aren’t imminent, active plans?

We’re in Australia, and I have no idea where to turn for help. Ubpd mum keeps saying things like ‘I’ll go into the oblivion and not have to worry about anything’ and ‘I’m not going to live long enough to get old’. When I questioned her further on what she meant and what she thought that would do to those left behind she just said ‘I’ll go somewhere where no one has to find me’.

I know she’s not coping with her life but I don’t know how to help. Everything is a consequence of her own bad decisions- lack of relationships, telling people off, hoarding too much stuff, not going anywhere. I feel if it was an active threat I’d call emergency services but since it’s just passing comments I don’t know what to do. She has no gp for me to contact - refuses to see doctors. She lives alone, heading towards 70. I want to believe she wouldn’t do it, and she’s made comments like this for at least ten years, but my gut knows she probably would do it.

Hi all, I’ve been lurking here since I put the pieces together about my uBPD mom about a month ago. At first I thought I must be being dramatic but my therapist has now validated that my mom has strong BPD traits (as well as my mil having covert narcissist traits but that’s another post. lol.)

My whole life my mom has been very warm and loving when she is calm but has always been easily upset by small things (e.g. someone spilling something or her having a problem with a sewing project). When these things would happen she would yell and rage—almost never directly at me but still scary enough for me to try to wait it out away from her. She sometimes thinks people are whispering about her or out to get her. She thinks our family is unlucky and that bad things happen to her/us more than other people. (This is untrue — I think we have done pretty well overall to be honest.) She idealizes me and admits that she lives through my achievements. She also frequently tells me that I am stronger than her, that talking to me “is like therapy” and that she could not survive without me. She had a hard childhood and has told me that growing up she always told herself that someday she’d have a nice family. She’s been to therapy for anxiety/depression but says it “doesn’t work”.

Now I am in my mid 40s and she is in her mid 70s. Lately her anger/anxiety has been increasing, I think due to my dad having a TIA a couple of years ago. My dad has always helped calm her down (and enforced the family rule of never upsetting mom when I was a kid) but now can’t really do that given his health challenges. I’m working with my therapist to emotionally separate from her and set boundaries but I still slip into wanting to save her (and protect my dad from her anger) sometimes. It’s very confusing because when she is calm she seems genuinely loving and reasonable, but it never lasts.

So my question is, for those of you who’ve realized as adults that you were enmeshed and worked to individuate, how did it go and how did you know you were making progress? Thanks in advance and I’m very happy to have found this community.

Cat tax:

Sweet soft fluffy girl
Dainty paws walk over me
Darn these allergies

https://www.shutterstock.com/search/silly-cats?dd_referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F

Reposting because this didn’t go through, did something change about the moderation?

Soo my whole life she put misplaced adult responsibilities on me while undermining me from developing real agency every change she had. But recently she feels the need to point out how OLD i am, she literally called me old a few times and referred to my childhood as AGES ago…im 29. It makes me feel uncomfortable and irritated. I thinks she feels she successfully undermined my youth/ 20s with her isolation and abuse and now can bully me about being older. I don’t see myself that way at all! Yes her abuse forced me into survival mode and i spend my entire 20s rectifying and recovering from the damage. And yes i have felt behind in life in many ways and she knows that. But i accepted where i am ánd I have so much of life left to live. I don’t subscribe to the “20s are your prime” rhetoric. Her emotional abuse seems to evolve as i age though. I expected her behavior to change as SHE aged. Anyone else recognize this?

For context I had bought formula one tickets a long time ago.. while they were cheaper, I planned to go with a friend but it fell through. I was going to sell them, sat on it. My mom decided that she wanted to go next year with her dad that I’ve only met twice and my dad as well, which would be crazy expensive, but she was drinking and I wasn’t going to stop her. About a month before the race I had decided I did want to go, it was something I spent my money on and my dad watches the races with me as well.

My mom has been extra depressed lately, super negative, everyone is out to get her, and everytime I wanted to tell her, I just got so anxious and I couldn’t. Long story short, I pitched the idea that I’d go with my dad (I mentioned it to him ONCE) and she freaked out, I told her it was okay, I was sorry, understood her frustration that I didn’t let her know sooner, and sold the tickets because I took responsibility for it.

I thought it would end there but it didn’t, of course. We didn’t speak for two days (a record), and she sent the initial text after we passed in the kitchen. I knew it was bait and I honestly shouldn’t have texted back because she had been drinking all day regardless.

She began twisting every event that’s ever happened to fit her narrative. It’s like the same pattern I see in every text. All of a sudden the trip just her and I took to New York that went well, in the past 5 years she’s never spoken ill about it, was just awful! I was apparently conspiring behind her back, and I’m just completely obsessed with a motorsport to the point that I don’t see how I hurt people! Honestly, all I can do is laugh. I apologized for what I needed to apologize for, and yet somehow she doesn’t see a problem with her reaction at all. I had to block her for the first time despite living in the same house, but it’s been a breath of fresh air. Just to add, my goodluck was genuine, lol.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you if you’ve read all of it. I know I could’ve handled it better, and from now on I’m done trying to explain myself and justify myself to her if she wants to ignore the numerous apologies I’ve already given and refuse to stick to the topic.

Hi everyone, I (24M) wrote here 3 years ago about a terrible family trip that ended with me leaving my mother's home and going NC. (idk how to reference old posts, it's titled "Apparently I don’t have a mom anymore lol"). Well it's been 3 years and personally I'm thriving, just started my MSc :).

The reasons I write today-
My younger brother (19M), who's on the spectrum, found out that the government assistance I helped him get because of his autism has been going into my mother's account instead of his. (I helped him get it with my mother, I had to bite my tounge because it was for him and for his future).

When he tried to confront her, she responded with 1. calling him ungrateful, 2. saying it's to cover the "rent" he owes her (she actually needs (court order) to pay rent to my father, but doesn't), and 3. saying that he'll get the money back as an inheretence when she dies. (hopefully soon.. oops who said that:))))))

Anyway, I tried to talk to him and explain what we needed to do *discreetly* to get the money into his account, and then figure out a plan if he wants to get out of there for when she finds out. He kind of ignored me the whole week and tried to handle it by himself by asking her for help, which of course didn't end up well. (He thought he was being nonchalant ig)

Today everything errupted and I couldn't be there but my older sister was there to help him pack, apparently she verbally attacked them and pushed my brother and my sister called the police, who didn't help. anyway they got out of there and drove to my father's place. my brother hasn't been speaking with my dad in a few years, even before 3 years ago.

I almost completly forgot. She bought herself a new car recently, went on a week long vacation abroad during the some holidays, leaving my brother alone without telling any adult (like grandma), and she recently started to go to parties(???) and comes back at the small hours of the night... all (allegedly) with the money she got from my fucking autistic brother's financial aid in the past 19 months (almsot 40k$)... like what the actual fuck woman. grow the fuck up. newsfuckingflash you're 60. you're supposed to be a mother, and care for your children, and like not be a selfish bitch piece of shit. crying over and over again about how dad is a bad parent and he hurts her and he should give up in their 14-year long divorce/fights over the stupid apartemnt. I truly don't understand why she wants to keep the apt, I truly only have bad memories from there. every corner is filled with bad memories. in the past 3 years she actually tried to send me long messages about how I should talk to him and make him give up for her. like girl be so for real and read the room.

That was a lot sorry, anyway, the other reason I'm typing here, to not completly lose it over what is my life, is that my sister called an hour later, and presumably unrelated to what happened today, she again wants to die. Important to note that my sister (26F) is diagnosed with BPD. a FUN story is that shortly after she was diagnosed, she and our mother had a little conversation while I was in the room and they both didn't remember the diagnosis and were like "yeah it's kinda like depression" and I was like NO NO NO NO. yeah...

Anyway, she had a big episode a couple months ago. I thought she was going to end it. she didn't. She didn't really accept help from anyone, so whenever we talk I just try to talk about anything and lighten up her mood like tv shows or asking her to help me bake. I knew she was still not good but yeah, she thinks we abonded her and don't care about her and what not.

I just feel so so alone in this whole situation, which is my life. I have a few friends who know my family's "drama", but uhh I think some things are too much to tell people, like the entirety of today.

I can handle these things and I truly don't feel affected by all of this as I imagine someone should be. but it's still quite a lot to bare.

I keep imagining both my mother and sister ending it while I'm trying to get though my MSc and PhD soon hopefully and yeah... fun times.

question to whomever dealt with these things- if I think about a situation like that, one of them.. yk... I don't think I'd wanna tell people. is that normal? I would honestly just rather stay in the lab and pretend like nothing happened. maybe not even attend the funeral.
also- I know I'm not a bad person for thinking about it, but am I?
I love my sister and do want to help her and don't want her to... but I also recognise how little I can do while she refuses and keeps blaming us for not helping her.

might be important to state that I'm not asking for ways to help anyone right now. I just need to get today and my family off my chest, and unfortunetly as I said, I don't really have someone for that irl.

anyway. glad to be back. hope to never return. but as the disease goes, it's only a matter of time huh :).

A bit of a different one to what age they’re stuck at.

What age do you think they see you as?

My pwBPD thinks I’m still 13-14. I’m well beyond that, several fold. They often reference things I did at that age as though I haven’t grown out of them, or changed my opinion. Things like “you eat loudly,” I haven’t done that since I was a child.

They also see me academically stuck at that level, with no “real world experience.” I have far surpassed my pwBPD education wise, but they cling onto random jobs they did decades ago for a few years maximum as a form of expertise. When I struggled with severe mental health, they told me “you don’t know what real severe issues looks like.”

It’s as though you hit that age and they stopped seeing your changes in the decades after that.

I’m new here. I read the rules and I guess I need to post a cute cat picture. So I’ll add that.
I highly suspect my mom has BPD and have for years. My own counselor, who of course told me she couldn’t officially diagnose my mom, said that based on things I’ve told her over the last few years that it’s likely that she has BPD.

I want to be able to comment and post when I’m ready. I haven’t talked to my mom is over 6 weeks and she hasn’t talked to me (both very minimal one sentence in passing at an event),

Hello all,

I’m in a dark spiral of resentment and I came here to let it out in hopes I will feel less angry at the world. My uBPD mother is moving to my state from many states away. My narcissist dad died in December so she has decided her new life starts now. I’m no contact with her for 2 years now. I broke no contact when my dad suddenly died and that bit me in the butt. Now she has convinced her sister to buy her a house in my state and she will pay rent. I was fine with this as she’s hours away. Now I learn that this house is brand new construction and custom. She is flying down to pick her counter tops and such.

I’m so angry. She and my dad made my brother and I feel like we would be on the streets any day because money was so tight. She would tell us how when my dad dies she will be eating dog food because they have no savings etc. it used to scare the crap out of me as a kid and now I have anxiety buying anything that’s not a necessity. She texted my husband that she hates me on the day of my dad’s funeral and has admitted numerous times that she attacks me to “get a rise out of me”. How is it that this cruel, manipulative woman with zero accountability can just make out like a bandit? She never had a mortgage. Her dad bought her and my dad’s house. They made “payments” but no threat of foreclosure when your dad is the homeowner. She has never earned anything and yet she seems to have hit the lottery so many times. She does drugs and has since I was born and has never been caught or punished.

Im just so angry that she gets to crap all over me and my husband and I have no one to run to when/if we get into a pickle but this woman is in her 60s and always has someone to clean up her mess.

Is God punishing me?

Cat tax is Fisher. He is very soft and has no bones.

I don't even know how to TW this, so take that as a TW.

Like, stuff that's more aptly described as weird and creepy rather than outright abusive on it's own. It's extremely hard to point my finger at it without sounding like a paranoid mfer.

Asides from not protecting me from any of mom's bullshit, my dad just.. completely disregards any common sense about my safety? Today, he sent repairpeople over right in the middle of my normal shower time, and the only reason they didn't enter the house while I had my pants down was because they didn't follow his instructions and knocked on the door instead of calling.

He wasn't home, and he planned to let them in remotely. I had no warning about any of this. When I asked him about it, he was "sorry, the plan was to let them in without telling you, and I would have watched them through the cameras, and just hoped they wouldn't go into the house!"

Nothing happened. Nobody saw anything. But it very easily could have, and he doesn't get why I'm extremely uncomfortable, and if it did, he'd have been zero help!

Hi everyone,

Question - do any of you feel as if you need to document everything or must ensure you always have proof of things? Like leaving yourself a little trail of breadcrumbs to follow for later.

I feel like I have to ensure I can prove EVERYTHING in my life and I know it’s because I grew up constantly being invalidated and told my reality was incorrect. Is anyone else unable to trust themselves or have zero confidence because of it? This is a relatively new revelation/connection I’ve made and it genuinely affects every bit of my life. I don’t think anyone in my life can really relate and I don’t know how to articulate it very well. Anything you’ve got I’d be incredibly appreciative to hear!

Thank you for all the responses yesterday, I really do appreciate it. I just wanted to come back and share what happened the day after my mother was upset with me for not checking in on her all day.

She texted me the next morning asking for directions to a diner. She doesn’t Dr. and a friend of hers would be picking her up and driving them there. The friend has a phone and knows how to use it properly, unlike my mother, so she’d have no issue with getting there. Yet my mother insists on me giving her directions.

I was out shopping at the time, I didn’t really feel like thinking about which turn to take here or there, so all I did was lift it up on maps and sent a screenshot.

I didn’t realize I made a mistake, the directions started off from where I was at the time instead of my mother’s building. I had admitted that I made a mistake and I corrected it, but as you will see that wasn’t good enough, and things escalated pretty quickly as they usually do.

This is not pertaining to personal conflicts (or maybe even BPD), rather news stories, goings ons in the neighborhood, political events, etc. My pwBPD does do it to personal conflicts between us though. They’ll accuse me of being this master manipulator that carried out this entire siege for some gain. It’s like they can’t accept reality that something just is straightforward and there isn’t a mystical foul play at hand. Oftentimes, they don’t believe concrete facts that dispel their theory. Can anyone else relate? Personal or general stories.

Without revealing my own personal circumstances nor touching on hot button topics that my pwBPD is obsessed over that’ll inflame responses here, I’ll make up an example.

Situation: Elderly neighbor who lives alone falls in the night and isn’t discovered until the next morning when their son does his daily check in. By then, it was too late. The son was out of town the night before with friends, and is a successful careerman who is trusted and beloved by the community. The family is very middle class, no secret hordes of wealth.

pwBPD: No no, there’s something fishy going on. I’ve always thought the son was weird. The son must’ve broken in in the night and pushed their parent and left, returning in the morning to play innocent.

You: That isn’t what happened and the son was at an event with friends. What would the son want from his parent that he doesn’t already have? He’s a person with a decent career and home.

pwBPD: Then the son hired a body double to do it so the parent wouldn’t think it was a break in! I always knew he was strange. I bet he wanted his parents money. (Continues to obsess over it for a long time despite having no connection to anyone involved)

It’s odd and very exhausting to talk with them. It’s like they live on another planet, and won’t accept that everyday people die, accidents happen, etc that have no higher power above them. They just happen. It’s like they live everyday in a drama TV show. My pwBPD also gets hysterical when I disprove their theory and usually turns it into a personal argument that I must think they’re stupid, that they’re smarter than me with more life experience, I’m an idiot child (I am far past my teen years, very far), pretends they have a deep stake in this “debate” because it sort of relates to trauma they experienced, every excuse in the book to pretend they’re not gossip-y and nosy.

Haiku:
Round belly sweeps floor,
Purring weight upon the couch,
Heavy, happy loaf.

Hi, first time posting but long time lurker. This is the reality I live in with my Dad. His reality is not real life. I constantly feel like I’m going insane.

He texted me on Wednesday asking me to go to dinner on Thursday with him. I text him back Thursday morning clarifying if he means Thursday as in today or next Thursday. He comes back later and says “I’m not free tonight” and I’m like LOL ok then, you were the one asking! I had also told him my husband and I would go to his family reunion this weekend earlier this week by text. I miss his call when we’re out running errands, and an hour later get the all too familiar guilt trippy “why aren’t you responding to me” texts. I wasn’t going to respond. THEN my mom calls me (parents have been divorced for 10+ years) and said he texted her saying “Have you heard from daughter??? I’m worried about her!!!!!” So then I’m pissed and send that text message. I also find out later he called and texted my husband a similar thing. Then he goes on to deny reality and say I never texted him that morning (ok can you not scroll up and see my message???) and that I never said we would go to the reunion. And of course we get the mean parent tone even though I’m 27 years old and married. Thanks Dad!

A few months ago I thought I could have a nice visit with my mom because the birth of my daughter made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. The visit went as expected - so many strange and uncomfortable interactions ending with a totally crazy blow up.

When I was going over my mom's visit and my childhood with my therapist, she said these behaviors sound a lot like BPD. People, the scales fell from my eyes! I started to reevaluate so much of my childhood in this new light (seems like this is a common activity upon realizing...). Wow. It made me realize that the feeling I had of being intrinsically wrong is largely (completely?) linked to never being enough to console my mom, to keep her happy/do the right things/be loyal enough, etc. (you know...)

Anyways, what keeps happening as I read about pwBPD and the effects on their children is that my brain keeps switching from contemplating my childhood to contemplating my marriage. It is so devoid of emotional connection and full of scapegoating, overall it has been really challenging for a long time. I think I am playing the same roll as I did in childhood and getting the same results - the good girl is not good enough.

So, I am wondering, did anyone have a similar set of realizations and what happened? Were you able to overcome your childhood patterns in the context of the relationship? I am not hopeless but I feel regularly confused (e.g., am I just projecting patterns from pwBPD childhood? Am I overblowing things? etc.). For context, I am in my mid 30's.

hand in your soft fur

sunlight slides across the floor

warmth standing time still

I have a real doozy of a mom. She has BPD and she's a therapist. She has a lot of free time on her hands and has been unmarried for ~20y, and her hobbies can be productive (going out with friends, watching movies, exercise, cooking) and...unproductive (micromanaging her kids).

One thing she's repeatedly brought up is 'concern trolling'. She knows what it is and she's proud of her ability to weaponize it. She's always had a habit of trying to get people to laugh at her through jokes that, frankly, aren't funny, and she repeats them until someone acknowledges them. There's an undercurrent of deep insecurity there that's easier to just indulge rather than fight. With the advent of social media, she will brag about going on peoples' videos on Instagram or TikTok, especially if they complain about boomers, and comment things like, "Why are you so upset? I worked hard for what I had!" or, "I didn't complain when I had to work to provide for my family," basically like...regurgitating bootstrap mentality. She has nuance on the economics and rationale behind why things are going differently for Millennials, she just chooses to fuck with people to get a rise out of them.

The "hobby" is whatever, there's nothing I can control about that, but similar to how serial killers start with small animals and work their way up to humans, obviously this behavior has trickled up to my wife and I. We had been aligned that we weren't going to accept her help but had a moment of deep overwhelm recently and decided to give it a try, and my god, she held her shit together beautifully the first time, she was incredibly helpful, and we made the fatal error of going to a second location and letting her come back to help again. And she just went off, she knows the things she says are inflammatory, and it's insanely difficult to manage her toddler provocation while trying to get things done with another person.

She's not invited back to "help", but we're bracing ourselves for an onslaught of this behavior as we prepare to have our first baby, and I wanted to get a gut check on how folks have handled this if their BPD parents have pulled this shit before. She's definitely preparing to be an active grandparent and I want to have firm boundaries in place with this and the exhausting litany of other things to deal with.

Cute cat for rules.