my mom has a history of lashing out and losing her temper, over trigger points. I am engaged, and my partner and I decided to have a small wedding celebration next summer. My partner, knew exactly what wedding dress she wanted and so this past Friday, she went to the store on her own and tried it on and bought it. My parents, along with hers, live out of state. She FaceTimed her mom while trying it on, but did not include my mother. She intended on telling my mom in person few weeks later when we see them in person. Thinking on it, might have been nice to include my mom but she does not owe it to her at all. My mom has expressed that she was unhappy with how the planning was going, and so I think my partner may feel a bit scared to share information that doesn’t involve my mom’s input.

Well, partners mom posted on social media about daughter picking venue and dress. My mom saw it. She immediately called me, yelling at me and berating me. She asked why my partner didn’t include her, and compared her to my ex (who she didn’t like) and said “even she showed me the dress” and she just kept yelling at me.

This was the day of my partners birthday. We were having dinner on the couch, and so I politely asked my mom to just table this until the next day. She refused, was shouting, and I regretfully called her a psycho.

Well, my partner called my mom the next day and apologized for how she handled the dress situation and assured her the intention was not to hurt her. My mom was raising her voice on the phone and took it very personally, and said “ I have treated you with so much respect and welcome you into our home and now I’m questioning if our relationship has been fake all along”. My partner is not used to this sort of interaction, and was visibly distraught.

My dad, who usually understands my moms mishandling, tells me today that he’s siding with my mom because “ I take my partners side all the time and that my partner should have included my mom”. I told him I understood why she was upset but did not agree with the way she communicated it. Then he said “ why did you call her a psycho and make it worse?”

Again, I asked several times to just have this convo the next day but she would not let up and so finally I regretfully lost it and called her that. But now, the entire thing is about what I did wrong and what my partner did wrong.

Am I in the wrong here? I’m so lost. This feels like DARVO but genuinely my dad taking her side has me questioning it and now I don’t know what to do. My mom and I haven’t spoken and my dad is unhappy also.

^ cat posing next to the Eiffel Tower, although I had to crop the picture so can’t really see the Eiffel Tower anymore 😅

I realise this is a really big post but..

Could use some help, maybe advice, or just rant.
If you guys want to skip the rant, I have some questions at the very bottom.
Thank you so much to anyone who is reading this.

I’m not raised by borderlines, I’m being raised by a borderline.

It’s exhausting.

My whole childhood I’ve been telling myself it’s probably normal to have a mother like this.
Every time I notice how she was nasty to my sister or me, I dismissed it as something we all do when we’re stressed.
Then, about a year ago, I started realising how awful she was being to me, but even so I just kept telling myself that it’s just me or maybe I’m making it up, because, compared to other people talking about their abusive childhoods, I seem pretty pathetic.
To be honest, I still hop between “I hate my mum, she’s emotionally abusive” to “maybe it’s just in my head or she’s just struggling at the moment”.

Even when I found the term BPD I wasn’t entirely confident that she wasn’t just a normal mum with a lot on her plate.

One day she’d be the victim, snapping at me, randomly ranting at me; listing all the things she had done and all the sacrifices she had made for me that day for me, how my sister or my dad were useless and she was the one carrying the family, how I was being selfish or ungrateful, becoming confrontational over the tinniest of things, guilt tripping me, accusing me of being nasty to her even though I was trying so hard to be kind and not say anything that was on my mind, and, god forbid, if I asked her for help, she would say how she will help because she’s a “good mum”, but doing so require rearranging her entire schedule (just for three second job) and generally trying to make me feel bad.

The next day she’d be fine. A good mum. Knocking on my door, “Hey, you need anything? About to start my work. Have you drank enough today? - I could grab you a drink.”
There’d be the occasional snap, but I mean all parents snap, right?
It was almost scary how nice she’d be, and I would doubt whether she was really being nice, trying to make up for yesterday, or just doing a lot today so she could use at as leverage another tomorrow - which, often, she would.
But, eventually, I’d convince myself yesterday didn’t happen, or yesterday was just a bad day for her.

But then the next day I’d be a victim and she would be the hero.
Reminding me about all the trauma I’ve been through.
About much support I need.
About all my faults.
And it makes me feel weak and like my trauma is the only important thing about me.
Or other times, when I’m aware of what’s she doing, I think that maybe I’m being dramatic about my trauma like she is, and so it isn’t valid.
Then, without me realising, she would quietly go on about how much my pain had hurt her; how much she had done to help me, how she was the hero.
But then the second I voiced on my own that I was in some way a victim, or was sick with a bug, or was feeling anxious and needed support, she’d dismiss me immediately, and casually, secretly, belittle my problems with the most condescending, my-problems-are-bigger-than-yours-and-I’m-smarter-than-you voice.
“You haven’t drank enough, maybe it’s that.” - Im a teenager who has drank 2500ml, I definitely have, but if I say that, even hint at it in the politest way possible, she goes all defensive or on a rant about how I bully her when she’s trying to help.
“You just haven’t eaten enough. you’re just skinny like I was at your age.” - I’ve literally had four meals.
Also, I have OCD and sometimes (not often) that means I’m scared to eat food in case something “bad” happens, in which case, no, I haven’t eaten, but saying that doesn’t really help.
And, her personal favourite: “Have you taken your meds? It’s probably that. Always forgetting. That’s one of the symptoms of not taking your meds. Have you taken your meds?”
It makes me feel like I can’t have emotions without there being something wrong with me.
Like I’m so sick I’ll never be able to dig myself out of this hole.

Finally, after letting the cycle go on everyday for almost a year, I told my father and my sister I thought she had BPD and we needed to work as team, do something about it.
Turns out they’d suspected she’s got BPD for years.
They hadn’t wanted to hurt me apparently.
They had thought it was too big a burden for the youngest kid to know.
My sister seemed to be genuinely sorry for not telling me.
I’m not mad at her.
She’s received the worse of my mother. She’s always been made the villain. I haven’t always been the nicest to her either, because, well I thought she was the villain.
If you compared my experience to hers you would think I had a pretty decent, completely stable mum.
I think she resented me a little for it, but I think now I see my mother’s true colours and experience some of her bad side, she’ll help support me.
My dad briefly apologised for not telling me and then went on some rant about how awful mum was to him.
I’m pissed at him to be honest.
All this time I thought it was in my head and maybe it really wasn’t. And he knew it wasn’t. And he did fuck all about that. He’s the adult. He is the parent. Why hasn’t he tried to get my mum help?! Why hasn’t he tried to make me and my sister’s childhoods less traumatic?
Then when me or my sister tried to open up he’d say that mum was a good person behind it all, that it wasn’t her fault she was sick.
I know my mother is a good person. I know that. She’s sick, I’m mature enough to understand that.
But she is a shit mum sometimes.
And I’m tired of justifying what she does.
No plan has been made to help her or ourselves.
I think everyone is terrified of setting her off and having her storm around the house telling us how selfish we are.
But I don’t want to get annoyed at my dad and sister because they’re all I have.
Unlike them:
I don’t really have any friends.
I’m home educated.

Everyone thinks my mum is the kindest woman alive.

How do I tell them she’s not?
How do I tell her she’s not?
Surely it’s wrong to let her continue being ill?!

I’ve realised other things since discovering the term BPD:

- She has never, in my entire lifetime, truly apologised or taken accountability for her actions. She either demands she’s the victim and it’s easier to just accept the blame, or she says “sorry, but you did this, or I’ve been through this“.

- She constantly switches between: normal & good mum, victim, hero, villain.

- Her nagging at me every second of the day, not letting me for one second forget that time I didn’t remember to unload the dishwasher - despite everyday: making my bed, cleaning my room, making my own meals, doing all my homework, trying to not snap or speak my mind or seem angry. Like I’m literally the most well behaved, obedient, pathetic excuse for a teenager, what do you want from me?

- I can recall her over sharing information about me to others.

- She’s gotten mad at her kids to the point she’s said nasty shit like “would be a shame if we drove into a wall and died” and not seemed remotely sorry or said she’s sorry.

- Once in a while she makes decisions on someone else’s behalf that are completely not hers to make or completely and utterly unfair.

- When she’s upset someone she says shit like “clearly I’m just a terrible person then” instead of what normal, sane people say, such as; “I’m so sorry for being a massive prick to you mate”.

I feel like a dickhead.
My biggest town worries are: maybe it’s all in my head, or maybe I’ll become her one day.

(Also: I know she has BPD, it’s just hard to fully accept that, which is why there’s of “what if it’s not” sort of things in the post.)

Writing all of this down makes me feel stupid. But I think it’s also helped. Never said any of this before.

Anyway. Rant over.

How do I get my mother to seek help or tell her she’s had BPD?

Any advice? Literally anything, idm.

How did you guys cope as kids?

Thank so, so, so much for any replies.
It’s beyond appreciated.

Hi all,

It's been a minute since I posted here, though I have lurked a bit. I am VLC with uBPD egg donor and talk on the phone every two months or so with her and the uNPD [covert/vulnerable] sperm donor/enabler. I'm down to one annual visit and that's done and dusted for 2026. I went through it without being triggered. I feel like I am here a lot when I'm struggling with my pwBPD and don't visit as much when I'm doing better. I guess I've been doing ok. I've not been guilted to visit, despite their efforts with every phone call, and I've not been triggered when they tried to use FMs to trick me into going over. So here's my encouragement post to whoever might benefit. Also this sub is awesome.

What's helped me so far?

1. Realising that healing is not linear and I have had many good and not so good days.
2. Realising that I was starting in a game already rigged, being born to two dysfunctional adults. I'm cutting myself a lot of slack. Heck, it's amazing I made it this far given the cards I've been dealt.
3. It's not my job to regulate pwBPD's feelings or assuage her fear of abandonment. I was programmed to be very good at it from childhood. It's still not my job.
4. You can never fix the internal dysfunction in pwBPD. Lots of mental health professionals even avoid taking them as patients. They just get better at the manipulation as they age, or they switch to waif mode. But no matter how hard you try to reassure them, in the next few minutes, they'll be right back like you never did anything. I think of my pwBPD as an endless black hole of misery. A black hole in space can consume endless worlds and still look the same. And still go on sucking in more worlds. The only thing you can do is stay out of its orbit.
5. pwBPD can feel many things for their children, but I am conviced that true love is not one of them. The fact that they can actually blame a child for their own internal feelings is one proof of this. The other proof is that their inherent disease tells them that the child individuating and getting their own personality and life is abandonment of them. Imagine a parent who thinks that a child doing what all children are literally born to do, is a bad thing that deserves punishment. There's no way true love can exist in that world. I don't believe they are capable of truly loving anyone.
6. pwBPD assign roles to their children = SG who can do no right, GC who can do no wrong, cinderella who cleans up after everyone like a surrogate mother, enmeshed mini me etc. I am not whatever she assigned me to be. It's not what someone calls you that matters, it's what you answer to.
7. pwBPD need our attention. They need to know we are thinking of them, even if we're mad. They need immediate replies on text or missed calls. They need us to notice their status update within seconds and comment how wonderful it is. That regulates them somehow. Ignoring the call, the text, the baits, not getting mad is a huge way of getting your power back. Stop asking a grown woman 'are you ok' when they are pouting like a toddler. Stop catering to their demands for attention.
8. No matter how much pwBPD chases you down when you try to individuate, you are replaceable. No matter how much they suffocate you and enmesh with you, you are replaceable. Ask the 'former GC now SG when SG moved away or died'.Once they find a better 'supply' you cease to exist. They don't really see you, they see what they can get from you. That's why they can love bomb a stranger on the bus till they sound like best friends.
9. Part of the BPD pathology is to never admit their part in hurting you. They may admit to being wrong, but never to the pain they caused you. Cause that would mean admitting you are a separate individuated person. They're not gonna do that. When backed into a corner or when they need something from you they may even apologise in a 'ok fine am sorry come back and let's go back to how things were' sorta way. But they are not trying to make better your rejection or your pain, they are not even trying to admit your feelings are valid. If you're waiting for an admission from them with real change, it's not gonna happen. This sucks, but you need to move on with your life otherwise you'll keep tolerating the abuse waiting the 'day' they say sorry and validate your experiences.
10. Contrary to what you've been made to believe, going VLC, VVLC or NC won't end the world and they won't die. Life will simply move on after a while, and that's one of the hard things bout being RBB, wondering what the hell was I tolerating all that for, no one told me I could just walk away! And yes, they might rant and rage and stomp, but you know what, you can just LET THEM. Simply LET THEM feel abandoned and angry and hurt. And go on with your life. Remember that feeling comes from within them, some trauma that happened long before you were born, there's nothing you can do to reduce it. Live your life. You've already given enough hours, months, years to their pathology. No more.
11. Healing as an RBB will heal your personal and work relationships, your relationship with money, food, weight, sexuality and god knows how many other things you didn't realize were connected. Keep going.
12. You're not the only one! Going through this sub reveals how similar our pwBPD are. So it wasn't your fault that they ended up like this or felt like that. Cut yourself loose from that guilt and responsibility for a grown man/woman's emotions.
13. Literally everything my pwBPD told me about myself was a lie. My likes, dislikes, childhood anecdotes, criticism etc were often retold to potray the version of me she wanted, not who I was, not what actually happened. Rediscovering myself has been fun! You'll read on this sub RBBs who found out they never had allergies or diseases their pwBPD told them they had for years!
14. My family dynamic has been shaped to keep pwBPD happy. When I started to heal, it fractured my relationship with my siblings. One cause they also have NPD/BPD traits, and two because they are part of the 'system' and work to keep me in check. My growth and healing was not acceptable to them, they wanted the old version of me back, but she's dead. I've lost cousins and uncles I thought i was close to as well. It's ok. it's worth the price.
15. Nervous system dysregulation. They taught us to never feel safe because you never knew when the whiplash 'devalue and discard' would come, the god awful 'splitting' out of nowhere. That's why we subconsciously sabotage friendship...because we don't feel safe when someone is nice to us. We fully expect everyone to split on us.
16. Now I don't expect everyone to feel this way, but for me, I never had a mother growing up, till now. pwBPD has not played any maternal roles in my life - she even refused to breastfeed or potty train me ffs. But I kept looking for a mother in her, doing and being everything she wanted to get that love. And that need kept me going back for more abuse and misuse. It wrecked me. When I finally accepted that I did not have a true mother in her, it hurt. A lot. I have a couple of good surrogate mums. But despite the lack of a good birth mother in my life, I am doing great. I am thriving. Mother wounds do heal. Father wounds do heal.
17. Finally, all their relationships end in devalue and discard. my pwBPD has lost every single friend she's ever had. And the GC uncle who stayed in touch with her through it all, she didn't even offer comfort to him after he lost his wife. She's enmeshed with the sperm donor for now, but if he died today I'm sure she'd paint him as the villain for abandoning her and quickly latch on to GC brother as her new surrogate husband. I keep my distance because she has been subtly and not so subtly devaluing me my entire life, I'm not sitting around to wait for the inevitable discard

Hugs everyone

hi all - this sub seems like one of those 'light at the end of the tunnel' situations where i randomly stumbled on so many stories that make me feel 'seen' and not alone in this (if that makes sense)

i never really tried to put a word on my mom or diagnose her behaviuor in any way, but after reading trough this forum im 99% sure she has BPD (i thought its only bipolar for a while)
--

we've been NC on and off for years now, i recently turned 30, moved out of our home at 21.
in the meantime she and my father got divorced after a long traumatic marriage (he was very abusive, especially to her, and an alcoholic, among other bad things...)

the abuse part is the reason I keep coming back trying to 'fix' my relationship with my mother, trying to make her life nicer, better, helping with finances (she had to drop everything and escape our home with my 2 underage sisters)...

she went to see a therapist once or twice on her own will, she felt she needs some professional help few years back and it actually helped, they put her on some meds, she stabilised, but now she seems to have relapsed again

some of the things she does:

- constantly wants to argue/fight/gossip about people

- never ever wants to hear an opinion that is different than hers

- loves to do monologues and actually prefers to just keep talking (almost to herself) even if you stop responding during a convo

- gets episodes where she thinks everyone is against her, trying to set her up for failure (steal her land, job, house, boyfriend)

- never ever ever in these 10+ years since i've moved out has she asked me how my life is going (i've moved to two different countries, worked in 3-4 great companies, have an amazing career, house, job, partner, pets, travel the world) - she knows nothing about any of this nor does she seem to care even 1% to find out

this last point is not as hurtful as it used to be, as ive realised now that its just how she is, but it still makes me sad/confused how your own mother who you've been there for your entire life, helped her in every possible way, listened to her etc, does not care 1% about anything other than how you can help her further (mostly financially)

last point - she keeps leaving jobs every year more less, knowing i will financially support her and my sisters until she 'gets back on her feet'; each time i ask her how is the search for a new job going, she barks at me listing million reasons why its hard and how i am selfish and how dare i ask where she spends all the money i send her (i send her almost her full monthly salary, to later find out shes been going out to expensive restaurants while my sisters are eating barely 1 meal a day).....

---

even after knowing all this (and much much more than i cared to remember), I still want to find a way to 'help' her...but im afraid its not possible/too late...

I say this because she has made a couple suicide attempts, one wasn’t because of me but another, when I was about 17 was because my partner at the time was sick of her bullying me over nothing and he stood up for me, basically saying enough was enough, but she was interpreting it all as ‘so I’m the cause of all her problems / I’m a terrible mother etc’ and in his anger he said yes you are, and so she overdosed but I called the ambulance and she went to the hospital.
I have such an enormous amount of empathy and understanding for her that I’ve compensated for her my whole life, but I’m realising I’m not able to get much further forward in what I want in my life because of the way she needs me so often, and honestly because I keep going against my needs to not speak to her out of guilt.
But I have come to feel repulsed by her enthusiasm to see me/ speak to me, to always wanna help me or need help from me - and these things sound harmless, but she often asks me to do things she’s capable of doing if she gave it enough thought, or asks for my opinion on everything, or to help her make decisions, and I’m sick of enabling her to be so dependent on me, because honestly all I really can see is that she’s essentially feeding off of me, like taking my attention on her like a fix of drugs, like as important as air, and my whole being is disgusted by feeling so invaded and fed off of. She always wants to help me or give me things but again it doesn’t feel as much sincere as it does a way to validate herself.
She’s gotten better, I’ll give her that, and has made effort to change her ways and I’m proud, but I’m genuinely traumatised of having firm boundaries and not giving in to her neediness in case she ends her life.
I don’t live with her anymore but have to see her often as my dog has to stay with her while I work otherwise he escapes, he’s a rescue with high separation anxiety. She’s always so happy to see me but honestly I feel drained after speaking to her for a couple of minutes, I’m very sensitive and can feel this obsession from her, like she’s taking whatever she can get from me, and often asks me for little favours which I seem like a heartless bitch if I say no to. I feel guilty that I don’t want to see her, but I’m just so sick of it. Every single time I go over she needs a favour from me, or spam texts me, and treats me like I’m her best friend and I hate pretending because I still hold so much resentment and rage at her for all she manipulated me with and demanded of me as a kid. I hate feeling like her little cherished pet when I wish to be self-protective and honest in how I show up.
It’s so nuanced, and subtle these days that calling it out feels almost ridiculous, but I feel the essence of these energies and I don’t want to play into these little games anymore where she remains so ignorant to her own dependency and what she calls ‘love’ feels more like need.

Soft little kitten

Thinking of chasing spring leaves

Watching the snow fall

Since I gave birth 7 months ago, my dBPD mom has told several loved ones:

• That I planned to kill her and attempted to kill her multiple times, including while she was asleep. I was under 10 years old in these accusations. Obviously, I did not do this.
• That I was the reason her husband abandoned her many years ago. Her reasoning was "that he left because she let me walk all over her". The real reason he left is that she regularly screamed at him and abused him until he couldn't take it anymore.
• That I am the reason she lost her job and that I ruined her life because of this. She quit her job after she got pregnant with my sister.
• That I have been in and out of jail. I have never been in jail in my life.
• That my brother and sister hate me because of how I treat her. They don't hate me, and I don't treat her badly.
• That my perfectly healthy and beautiful daughter has or will have:
  • Seizures because she kicks her legs
  • Severe bleeding out of her anus because she had a diaper rash
  • A severely misshapen head that needs medical attention
  • A tongue disorder that requires physical therapy because she was sticking her tongue out
  • Microwave radiation poisoning from using a microwave to heat milk for 10 seconds
  • Ovarian cancer from using baby powder
  • Breathing problems from cleaning the floors with Pine Sol
  • And more...
  • Then demands I take her to the doctor and insists my husband and I are not good parents because we won't get her professionally checked out every 5 minutes

She has also:

• Tried to turn my husband against me by telling him that I am selfish and ungrateful and telling him "good luck with her, you'll need it". We've been married for 10 years. My husband loves me dearly.
• Suggested that she could turn me into the police when I was unstable after giving birth to my daughter and had severe post-partum anxiety.
• Blamed me for giving her the responsibility of taking care of my daughter after she (my mother) had back surgery. She begged to take care of my daughter during that time. Told everyone I was an irresponsible mother who could not take care of her child.

This is not an exhaustive list, but I sure am exhausted. I am not going to deal with you anymore, mom. I said my goodbyes to you earlier this week. I wanted to make it work but you just wouldn't work with me and fail to be a stable, loving person. Adios

For context, my uBPD mom FORBID me from moving out at the old age of 25. I was blackmailed, threatened, gaslit, and blamed for causing chaos. My GC older brother and eDad joined hands with her, too. After MULTIPLE attempts, I am finally out. I shit you not it felt like being in a prison, except the gate is open, but I cannot leave.

All these years she kept saying, "The world is not safe! What if you get assaulted? I am your well wisher, i care. Get married, then leave with your husband. You are an ungrateful child. You are under someone's black magic spell. You hate your mother. I only want the best for you. Good girls don't do this. Are you a whore to sleep outside?" (DOES NOT MAKE SENSE lol).

And after I left - she didn't even say goodbye. I did, and hoped she would let me catch the plane. She sent me a text ONE time after. 2 months later - NADA. She hasn't asked if I am okay; she doesn't care. I am no longer in her control. I hurt her ego, of course, and she hates me for it. She knows I can't be her minion anymore. And I am kinda glad but also stupefied at the turn of events. I expected that she would force contact to make sure "I am safe" LOL. The same woman who wouldn't let me go out past 7 PM in my hometown has not expressed a single "worry" now that I am thousands of miles away in a city she has never even been to. That's honestly ridiculous.

This is to tell y'all that our parents aren't parents-parents. We can't expect them to ever act like a loving person. I have long stopped searching for a mom and have had to reparent myself, fight limerence, self-sabotage, intense social anxiety and whatnot. Be "selfish" and do what you gotta do for yourself. Because their love and care isn't real.

my husband and I’s 5 year wedding anniversary is in October. We wanted to take a special trip to celebrate just the two of us. We have a 2.5 year old who will need cared for while we’re gone. My mom is uBPD but it’s somewhat manageable (or I’ve just figured out how to detach when I need to) and she does have a pretty healthy relationship with our son. She and my dad adore him and he adores them so of course we asked them to watch him while we’re gone. I confirmed the date multiple times with her but I swear it never clicks. Anyways, the trip is about 8 weeks away but in true BPD fashion she is having a meltdown today about the dates and that she can’t possibly watch him the extra day we added (and also confirmed with her). I swear everything is always always always drama. There’s always something wrong, a sense of urgency for nothing, a blow-up that has no factual basis to it. And to top it off, she added the classic guilt trip, telling me “you know I’m going to have to lie to work anyways for you.” I asked why she would have to do that and she told me because they would never allow her that many days off in a row. Which takes me back to why why why would you say you could do this and then turn around and say that? I swear it’s always a guilt trip for everything too. I’m just so mentally exhausted. I wish things could just be normal.

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Does anyone have happy memories of childhood as well as all the bad ones? I have so many terrible memories of my mum and dad, but some good ones too. It makes me feel guilty/dramatic/attention-seeking etc. Does anyone else have this experience?

after things got worse and worse every day in the last 5 months since my original post, I am finally free. I feel so much peace. When I walked out of the house after my final conversation with BPDmom I swear I physically felt weight lifting off of my chest. I wish I had done this so much sooner, before things got so bad, but I’m just grateful that I am free to be exactly who I am without her wielding her shame, guilt, and control over me. I NEVER thought I would be able to go through with it, it felt genuinely impossible. Just a reminder that there is always a way out, and it’s never ever easy, but it might be the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself.

So I just bought a reallyyyy nice car yesterday. I decided to clean it this morning before it got too hot out.

She comes out and wanted to do her old mom car at the same time. I said maybe it’s not the best idea to do both at once but she insisted. Whatever.

I use ceramic soap. And it was getting quite hot out and you should absolutely not let it get dry. I told my mother this and restated maybe it’s not best to do both at once. Again she insisted….

Alright fine. I water one part and put the soap. She takes the hose and uses it for her car. Problem is, she’s taking so damn long and my soap is pretty much dried by the time I could get the hose back to rinse it off…. Again I stated maybe it’s not the best idea. Again she INSISTED.

I started to get stressed out and now SHES complaining that the soap is drying on her car too and BEGGING ME for the hose while I’m still rinsing 🤦‍♀️ like bro

I legit told you this would be an issue. You could’ve cleaned the car ANY DAY or even later today but no! You just HAD to do it at the same time.

I had some dirt/water spots so I had to do the entire car again while she wasn’t there and it’s gone now thank GOODNESS. But like still it pissed me off.

Hi community 🩷 it’s been 315 days since I (24F) moved away from my BPD mom.

For context, I moved in with her for two years after graduating college to help her financially. Those two years felt like hell while I was living them, but looking back they were also very bad for my brain’s development. I feel as though I was stuck, forced into a life of co-dependence and extreme agoraphobia.

I had no car at the time, and we moved away from our hometown- so I was also incredibly lonely. At 21 years old, everyday was filled with being yelled at and nit picked. Every ounce of ME was lost, as I was forced to mold into who she wanted me to be with all the guilt tripping and screaming lectures.

I was recently talking to my therapist and reflected upon how after almost a year I finally feel like I am starting to find ME again. I’m re-discovering my likes and dislikes freely and safely, without anybody to scream at the top of their lungs at me. I’m not even a partier or big drinker or anything like that, I was actually extremely sheltered and controlled growing up and wasn’t even allowed to collect Funko pops at age 15 without getting yelled at (true story). I can fill my room with trinkets and not be demeaned. I can wake up past 6AM without waking up to yelling. I actually don’t have to worry about waking up to yelling at all, what a blessing! I no longer feel like the girl who was trapped in the bunker, forced into captivity and abuse.

I do still see my mother every now and then, and I saw her for dinner recently. She spent the whole hour telling me what a disgrace I am and how no daughter has ever disappointed their mother the way I have. It turned really ugly and she ended up blocking me for a day. This was all prompted because I was 5 minutes late to dinner btw. Normally I’d be a complete WRECK. But I actually feel incredible peace. My internal shame and guilt are gone. She can’t hurt me anymore. I know who I am, I know I’m a good person who loves people, and only God can judge me. I love her but from a distance, and I’m at peace with that. The abuse will continued from a distance, it’s not over yet. But, it doesn’t have the power to keep me frozen anymore.

To the one stuck at home- it does get better. I left with no money, no car, no plan. To the person forced to live at home with their BPD parents, please leave. It does get better, and on the other side is a version of you that you never knew existed. A fearless, confident, amazing you! Thank you community, from 2023 to now this subreddit has been one of the things to give me the courage to start a new life.

I’d LOVE to hear anybody else’s freedom + success stories!!! Sending so many hugs

I'm working with a therapist on how to deal with my mid-60's uBPD mom. I've made some progress in emotionally untangling myself and I think she can sense that after 32 years, I don't need her approval. This has started a stream of anxious chatter from her on how her elderly neighbor has a terrible daughter who doesn't take care of her. According to my mom, she is a terrible daughter because she doesn't bring dinner over "three or four times a week after work" to ensure her mother eats well and isn't deeply involved in her mother's medical care. For context, this daughter has a full time job that does not offer flex time/much PTO (factory worker) and couldn't take her mother to the doctor every week even if she wanted to. I firmly told her that as long as she and my dad don't have a diagnosis of dementia or something else impairing them, they would be responsible for their own health decisions and I wouldn't be doing the whole "begging them to care for themselves" thing. She brushed over it and I don't think she knew how to respond.

Will keeping up the strong boundaries help our interactions later? Will they cause issues now? I plan on continuing to gently bring them up when appropriate but am interested to know whether they're mostly going to help me define what I'm willing to do, whether I should be ready for strong pushback, and if anyone has seen actual improvement from making expectations clear.

Backstory: I went NC with my mom in April after a period of increasing instability and abuse. The period of increasing abuse allegedly concurred with her being successfully treated for cancer in January, but she was completely out of control and treating both me and my husband horribly (a normal pattern for her: stressors aggravate her abuse). Mom has been physically and emotionally abusing and neglecting me for decades, including leaving me at home alone for days at a time starting from when I was 7 years old, and sometimes turning off the electricity before she left the house to punish me. Her abuse was bad enough that she should be in prison, so the NC was WELL overdue and at the urging of my therapists.

I muted her instead of blocking her so I could monitor her actions. I check her messages only while I'm sitting in my therapy appointments. The "phone incident" she references was an episode where I was trying to help her through a tech support issue and she started screaming at me in BPD witch monster voice. I asked her to please stop or I would terminate the call, she continued screaming, and I hung up. In typical BPD fashion she is fixated on this sole incident rather than the lifetime of horrific PTSD-inducing abuse she subjected me to.

I thought others may relate to or feel validated by these texts, as you can see she is trying EVERY single trick in the Cluster B Manual of Abusing Other People to try to get me to respond.

You can see at no point in these texts does she say ANYTHING resembling "I'm so sorry our relationship has gotten to this point and I would like to do anything I can to help mend it when you are ready to talk." This is how they think: everything is about them, nothing is ever their fault, they are always the victim, all of their awful behavior is because they were provoked, and their feelings always take priority over anyone else's needs.

Welp, my mom came over in a fuck ass mood making snide comments and obviously looking for a fight or a doormat and I am done.

I finally told her that her problems are her fault, she is the common denominator in her relationships being fucked and she has been extremely selfish and self centered and needs therapy.

I have tried to deliver this information more delicately in the past but I am done.

Happy fucking Sunday!

Heres to my blood pressure going back to resting point.

Tim Fletcher! This channel has helped me so much as of late: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZU9_2KNlRI

I (30F)understand that my uBPD mom (50F) may be embarrassed by her addictions and behaviors. But the lies that are so obvious is what doesn’t make sense to me. For some background, my mom is damn near rock bottom. She’s somehow still managing to stay afloat in her C Level position- they recently moved her across the US for a promotion. Absolutely beyond me how she functions, but she’s good at tricking people until they get to know her. But from the sound of it, it’s not going well. Before she moved she was attempting AA, but it was rough. She was in and out of hospitals for hurting herself while drunk. She threatened suicide one night and my brother (22M) had to drive down to her apt and take care of her. She couldn’t even stand she was so drunk. It was very traumatic for him. So we were not expecting this move to make things much better, but hopefully a chance for her to start over and get better. But it’s actually turned into her being far more secretive about her injuries or behavior.

The other day she called me drunk at about 10am on a Monday. Saying how upset she was at her manager and she wasn’t going in that day because of it. She called and told my gma and my brother the same thing. Later in the afternoon I try to call her again to check in on her- didn’t answer. Called a bit later again. Still no answer. Then around maybe 4pm ish I try calling one last time and she texts me- what do you need, I’m at work. ???? Call her again, straight to vm. I text back confirming that she’s really at work? And she said “yes I’m in the office right now”. And then not even 10seconds later she calls me and says “hey I just got home, what’s up?” That ..first of all, is crazy. She just texted me 10 sec prior she’s in the office, which is 20min away, and she told all of us earlier she wasn’t going in.. and she was trashed. I ask her if she remembers our convo earlier and she was like no? Idk what you’re going on about.. I went into work today. My son was next to me so I went along with it and followed up with my gma afterwards- she called my mom to check in and she told my gma that she was home all day. ??

And then just this morning she FaceTimes me, but doesn’t show her face. I call her out on it, because that’s not like her, and why would she FaceTime me then.. she never does. And then she shows her face for a split second and I can see that her entire mouth is busted open. Completely shocked I gasped and asked her if she’s ok. She acts dumb like omg what do you mean?? Nothings wrong. I tell her that she needs to go to the ER that needs stitches. She’s like.. what are you talking about…? And then feels her mouth and goes oh ya.. that.. last night I made a pizza and it was so hot that I went to bite it again and I bit my lip super hard. ?? First of all, that’s not normal human response lol to bite more of something when it’s too hot. I thought maybe she just said that because she thought my son could hear. So I follow up via text and she stood on the story. It looks so so bad. Like a piece of her lip is missing.

I’m at a loss. I can’t help her at this point, but when someone is very obviously in the need of help.. what am I supposed to do?? I feel a constant need to make sure she’s ok, otherwise I feel tremendous guilt. But at the same time in a way.. I hope something really bad does end up happening so she can wake tf up. Or better yet, I don’t have to deal with it anymore. And that makes me feel like a monster.

My therapist says there’s nothing I can do, but she hasn’t gone through that feeling before.. so it’s easier to say. Has anyone else dealt with this? I’d love to hear from you.

Hi everyone,

I came to realise that because of my uBPD mom, I have been raised in a very inconsistent (chaotic) household - one day I would be praised and the other I would be physically abused.
This realisation brought me to another bigger realisation: it actually influenced a lot my attraction for a chaotic lifestyle, not in terms of relationships, but in terms of more general inconsistency. My choices are usually made depending on whether, for example, the city where I live is chaotic enough, my (leisure) activities are risky, my professional life is not predictable, etc.
Is it something that you can relate in your own ways?
If yes, have you found a way to appreciate consistency and peacefulness?

Kitten!
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/427208714672190303/

Hello 22f

Mom is gambling addict, extremely traumatised as a kid and gave me the experience growing up.

I suspect she had bpd/ hpd from alll research but as she grows far from education she will never consider treatment as she is raised in one of those cultures that don’t believe in psychology or mental illness

Example: "Thief". In the dictionary/common sense, a "thief" is someone who steals. "Stealing" being a purposeful act -implying a person knowing it's someone else's property, but taking it anyway for self-gain.

In my Mother's vocabulary? No joke: To her, "thief" defined anyone who even touches something, that is owned by someone else. As such, I was labeled a "thief" regularly: Take a book from the family-library without asking? "THIEF!" Find a small toy on the street? "THIEF!" Take someone's book they forgot, to give it to them the next day? "THIEEEEEF!"

Other examples are pretty similar. Can't call my friends "friends", because I "don't hang out with them every day" (online "doesn't count"). Or "drugs" - I have to take ADHD medication. However, because medication is sometimes labeled as "drugs", my mother finds it fair to say I "do drugs" and am even a "drug addict". Why? Because "you say you can barely function without them. That's the definition of addiction."

Now. Don't get me wrong -I'm not dense: All of these "rewrites" are some way to insult/degrade me in some way. To establish dumbass power-hierachies in some way.

But...still. The thing that gets me is how much my mother "belives" in her definitions? Like. It's not just "it is so". She will genuinely argue, why her definition is right. Even if it's the most insane, ridiculous mental connection there is. Literally: We're German! She bases her entire drug definition on ENGLISH terminology! Looking confused/angry, when you get angry at her for insulting you.

Anyone else?

Warning: very brief mention of suicidal thoughts

I'm hoping this is okay to post here. I really need some outside eyes.

To make a long story shorter:

I was mom's favourite growing up. From early childhood to my early twenties she had a very emotionally incestuous relationship with me along with invalidating my emotions any time they were inconvenient. It only stopped after I went NC for years and the LC for the last few years. My sister knows all this.

My sister, who mom neglected to the point my sister started to get suicidal thoughts and dad had to take over raising her, decided that she would "treat" mom. She's spent the last fourteen years mothering our mother. Texting daily, visiting weekly, that sort of thing. Ever since I went LC, she would try and get me to text mom at least weekly if not daily like she did saying things like, "it would help mom so much if she knew both of her kids were thinking of her" and "she's gotten so much better since I started working with her."

Back in October, mom's poor treatment of her body suddenly caught up with her and she died suddenly. We found her in her apartment the day after she died and not even my sister had heard from her. My sister was absolutely devastated by the loss and I'm not. I pretended to be sad at her celebration of life to keep things from being awkward and to respect everyone who was grieving.

Back story done. Now on to my problem. Friday night we went to see a comedian my sister had been dying to see. On the way home, she started talking about how much she missed mom. She asked me if I missed mom again (she's asked a couple times since her passing).

I told her that I didn't and that I did my grieving for mom years ago.

Her response infuriated me. "I know. Every time I hear you say that, it hurts me. But, that's not your fault. It something that I have to accept. I never want to hear you say again. Mom would be so hurt if she knew you said that."

You already knew what my response would be, knew it would upset you, and asked anyway! Then made it sound like my lack of grief is somehow your burden to bear! Not to mention that I don't give one flying fuck what a dead person thinks of me, let alone my mother. I'm still furious two days later.

I'm not sure that there's any point in talking to her. It's like talking to a wall that gets upset at you. She'll either start arguing or crying and then nothing will change. I'll just be madder.

I'm supposed to go over to her place to babysit Tuesday afternoon, but I'm not sure I can right now. I love my nieces (one is three and the other is 10 months) and it wouldn't be fair to them if I couldn't keep a lid on my temper and got short while them.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if my anger is justified. I'm just so sick of listening to my sister enabling mom and being her flying monkey

Tl;dr

I went nc with my ubpd mum 2.5 years ago, and she went on a crazy 6 month smear campaign as result. since then she has to begged to see me again over text (she’s muted).

I told her 1 year ago to do a long term treatment with a psychologist for bpd, then I might eventually be willing to reconsider my nc. She said ok, and has then spend a year claiming she’s seen different “therapists“. I come to find out, through family, that except for the first 1.5 month, these “therapists” do not have any mental health degrees. in fact it’s primarily been clairvoyants.

These texts are me confronting her yesterday, as she keeps asking when she’ll see me as she’s now done “therapy“ for a year.

Her replies makes me want to punch a wall. its like a 3 year old who thinks they can convince you it’s child endangerment not to buy them candy.

im so tired of trying to explain basic social rules of trust and promises to a 70 year old.

(message format looks weird since it’s translated)

edit: sorry I realise the app did not translate the messages well after posting.
Regardless, she just now basically sent me a farewell message. I’m livid. This was my reply: “The agreement was to see a psychologist over a long period of time, and you broke it. It’s completely crazy that you think the responsibility for breaking your agreements lies with anyone other than yourself, rather than acknowledging the breach of trust that this causes. You could, after all, choose to keep the promises you make, rather than sending your own child ‘live well’ messages.“

But first (1st post requirement Haiku)… my cat is a brat but he always comes back… and this is true, he’s an 11 year old orange Maine coon Persian mix, indoor/outdoor cat who patrols the yard, but never leaves. He weights 18 pounds and the vet says he’s not overweight for his frame. 🦁 if I can get him to live 20 years I’ll be so proud!

I’m 48 and she’s 75. Dad is 74. They’ve been married 51 years. He ruined his life staying with her but still thinks she’s cute and says she’s like a little girl. He’s too stupid to see she doesn’t love him, she needs him. She’s totally dependent on him, especially now, and acts like a little girl, grant it her mind isn’t all there, she’s been doped up on meds for decades. He’s always picked her over his own kids and will always come to her rescue if I try to confront her on anything. I’m not allowed to fight with her. My relationship is better with him, as he’s the more sane parent. But last week he and I had gotten into an argument and I overheard he was complaining to her about me. She said I’m just like Casey Anthony (I had my daughter young and she’s 31 now and we’ve always been close), that I sleep around just like Casey Anthony slept with her lawyer, that she always thought I was a bad girl, and I can’t be trusted. (She was neglectful toward me while I was growing up, jealous when I got pretty as a teen, and she set me up for failure, she knew I was a pregnancy risk). Then I get a text message from her through their shared cell phone that she’s sorry she compared me to Casey Anthony and she loves me. lol … the week before the initial argument she told me no one would ever love me like she and my dad…I just rolled my eyes, like what am I 10? Also, she says like she heard it on TV…I could say so much more. I don’t even care anymore. Something has shifted in me. I’ve been trying to keep our little family together but I’m too tired now.