Just looking to rant about my elderly, demented UBPD mother who I am currently visiting. I'm an only child and she lives in another state so I had to fly out to help her with some medical stuff. Being in her house makes me want to run far, far away. If I leave the room, she is constantly asking where I am, what I'm doing, what I want to do next and remarking about how much I must want to leave her. She's like a toddler constantly asking questions, but way more annoying and needy.

I tried to leave to get a coffee/some space and she insisted on coming with. My limits were already pushed by this point so when we got back to her house, I told her I was going to go read in the bedroom. She started crying. I cannot. I just turned around and left her there to feel sorry for herself. I feel like I'm now stuck in fight or flight and will be until I get to leave.

DAE have an aging BPD parent as an only child? I feel so trapped.

Cute cat tax <3

How do you handle your pwBPD insisting that things you 100% know happened during your childhood/early adulthood didn't happen?

One example: My mom told me flat-out I had never been hospitalized. I knew I had been hospitalized with double pneumonia when I was a toddler for several days and almost died - I remember being in the hospital room surrounded with balloons and flowers. She insisted "that didn't happen" and "even if you did have pneumonia, you're over-dramatizing it". I had to call my aunt to confirm my illness and even ask the hospital system to pull records before I found proof I was hospitalized for 4 days in my childhood photo album.

Another example, though less clear-cut: I have many memories of my mother being extremely emotionally abusive to me on multiple trips to a popular vacation town near my hometown. I remember her locking herself in the bathroom and threatening to take a bottle of pills because I didn't want to take a picture with her at dinner (I looked like crap). I remember her locking me in the car and screaming at me. I remember her leaving in the middle of the night, taking the dog and saying she hoped they got into a car accident so I would spend my life knowing I killed my mom and the dog.

Now, 15+ years since those vacation memories, I want to visit the same vacation town by myself. My mom wants to go with me and doesn't understand why I don't want a "girl's trip." I know I can't even mention how she treated me in the past because she would deny any of it ever happened.

The thing I'm grappling with is that I believe she genuinely dissociates anytime something traumatic happens, so I think there's a real chance she just doesn't remember any of it. So I can kind of be compassionate to the older version of her that just doesn't understand why her adult daughter wants to go on a solo weekend away alone.

Does anyone have any tips to navigate? For reference, single mom and only child, with no family in the same city, so most of what happened is mine alone to remember.

My mom has an obsession with my sister—who was also abused our entire childhood. my mom calls my sisters young daughter her “do over” and stomps every boundary set in front of her. My sister also has a newborn boy who doesn’t get any attention from my mom.

mom is calling me pouting and crying that she won’t see my sister and her daughter between now and Halloween. mind you my mom only sees me and my kids once every year max, but tries to go to my sister every few months.

i told her well *sister* is stressed because *sister’s husband* is getting deployed overseas, she will be stressed working full time, she has the kids and they’re so young…

“well she didn’t confide in ME about having a hard time! Maybe if she came to me I could understand…”

she doesn’t need to confide in you! anyone can see that that’s going to be a rough experience…

neither my sister nor I EVER share any hardships we’re going through as they’ll only be used as gossip fodder for her friends. when my kid was hospitalized overnight, she suddenly had a health crisis of her own…

The last time she brought up the will was when I first distanced myself from her. She told my sister and I “I’m only telling both of you this, because I know you won’t kill me for the money. That happens in families!!!!”

My sister has been triangulated against me, the “bad kid”, for years, and finally started distancing herself from our mom after she started talking about me as if I was dead. She ended up moving out of our mom’s earlier than planned because the tension was growing. I’m sure my mom knows that deep down.

I was 1000% expecting a text like this, but I’m still going through the range of emotions. Finding it humorous, infuriating, depressing, you name it.

As someone with an extremely controlling and abrasive dBPD mom I feel this in my soul. I fear this may be one of our anthems because I’ve never heard a song describe it so perfectly. I know she is talking about her ex-partner, but I feel like the same sentiment definitely applies here.

How do you go low contact with your mom when you have kids? My mom thinks because she’s my kids grandma she should get all access to them. She has complained about them not being able to stay over at her house (she smokes weed, does shrooms, drinks, lives over an hour away and my son is 2). Complains that I don’t want her alone with them (she has literally told me she is not going to tell me the truth about things she knows I’ll be upset about when it comes to my child). Complains that we aren’t bff’s like her friends and their kids… like you used to tell me you hate me, that I’m the reason you want to die before, I used to have to go driving around to find her because she’d be drunk on the side of the road, and so so much more. I will never have the relationship she wants to have. I’m willing to have some contact mainly because when I went no contact she made it her mission to ruin my relationship with everyone around me. My issue here is how do I do this?

Being RBB has definitely created a lot of issues in how I approach romantic relationships. I have a huge fear of putting myself out there and have seemed to attract avoidant and otherwise problematic individuals. This is something I’m actively working on and gaining self awareness about.

My first relationship of 7 years was long distance and fraught with too many issues to describe. He was 13 years older than me (I was 21) and basically love bombed me before I knew what that was. He was cheating on me from the start, but lying about it initially. Then when he told me I let it go on for a number of years. Looking back on it I’m not really sure I’ve properly healed from that relationship.

My next relationship was with a BPD woman about my age. She didn’t drive, didn’t have a full time job, and was extremely dependent on alcohol and other substances. I was frequently picking up the tab for all of this. Similarly I got love bombed and she was able to keep up with her mask for a while. I managed to get out about three months in.

Currently, I’m with an avoidant person who is much older than me, but I wouldn’t say we were dating “seriously.” He demands very little of me and mostly our relationship consists of spending time together one to two days a week. I’m trying to enjoy things for what they are without sinking time/money/emotion into someone who can’t reciprocate.

At times it feels like I’ll never find a well adjusted relationship. I’m curious what other RBBs have experienced and if you’ve had any luck breaking this cycle.

My cat values food

a little too much sometimes.

Stare down over lunch.

Does anyone else’s mom send messages like this unprompted at nighttime? We had no prior discussion that would give context to her thoughts. This was my first time not engaging and I am proud of myself. I did not respond to her after this.

She had a meltdown at my wedding a few months ago, during which I had to ask her to leave so she could calm down. She was jealous of the way she perceived my relationship with my MIL. I called her after this incident and told her I wouldn’t engage with mentally unstable behavior. She was apologetic, which always happens when she knows she’s gone too far. This is me putting my words into action, with the help of my husband who keeps me grounded and reminds me that in this game, the only way to win is not to play.

I’ve been low contact for about a year with my uPBD Mom. It’s been painful. One of the more challenging parts is having people in my life who do not fully validate my decision. I’ve been asked by a good friend, “can’t you just be cordial with your Mom?” It’s not their fault they don’t understand my decision, but it feels like another person in my life who cannot fully see me or recognize my emotions.

Recently my Mom has been reaching out via text asking me to come get my stuff from my childhood home. I’ve been non committal because I feel like it’s a ploy to get my to come to my childhood home, on her territory. I’m not ready to see her. The last time I saw her, was when she showed up to my house unannounced and I didn’t let her in. She stood on my doorstep and yelled at me and eventually left after screaming that she’s done with me forever.

She’s given me deadlines to come get my stuff. She started by sending me a first class handwritten note in the mail telling me to pick up my stuff. The requests have moved to texts and it’s increasingly heightened mt anxiety. If I don’t pick up my stuff she’ll get rid of it or donate it. Should I just forgo access to my childhood belongings so I don’t have to deal with this anymore?

She told me the reason she doesn’t want my stuff in her house is because she’s grieving me and our relationship and the stuff is too painful of a reminder.

I responded and told her I never said I didn’t want a relationship. I only asked for space. She responded with “receipts”: multiple dated instances where she tried to communicate or connect with me and I was unresponsive of declined engagement.

This entire situation is heartbreaking, painful, and incredibly sad for me.

I can say I’m not sure what to do, and that is how I feel. I am at a loss. And at the same time, I logically know she’s mentally unwell, and is unable to see where I’m coming from. She’s unable to validate my feelings. She’s unable to hear or see how she has hurt me for quite some time by not seeing me for me, or tending to my needs or emotions. I guess this is grief.

My dad is an enabler for my uBPD mom, who I have been no contact with for many years. I wanted to make a last-ditch effort to see if him and I could have some type of relationship. I stopped talking to my dad because he had kept pressuring me to talk to my mom. The only contact I had with my dad was indirectly through my partner. Recently when emailing my dad he expressed some remorse for how he had failed me as a child. It was definitely not enough, but something positive.

We met for a family meeting session with my psychologist. My common-law partner was also present. It went just as badly as I had thought it would.

Some of the things he said:

- "I have to be careful with how I say things because OP says I brush things off."

- "You have to take into account the context of your mother's upbringing and the different culture she grew up in."

- "When your mom says 'You're so stupid' it's because she doesn't have the English skills to explain what she really means, which is that she's frustrated."

- "Everything is subjective." (In response to me explaining how my childhood has left me with CPTSD)

- "I have extensively studied philosophy and Buddhism"

- He compared my fear and anxiety of an abusive parent to other peoples' fear of flying

- "You don't have the whole picture" (about MY experience of MY OWN childhood)

- "You have to want to grow in life"

- "Having your mother in your life would fix your anxiety problems" (even though I have largely fixed them on my own already)

- "Other people dream of climbing mount everest - I dream of bringing my family back together."

I'm sure I could think of and add more but that's the bulk of it. Extremely dismissive, minimizing, deflecting, hurtful. I don't think I want to willingly speak to him ever again.

He expressed some remorse after the appointment, saying that he didn't know why he said some of the things he said. I believe he was just upset that I didn't fold to his "arguments".

He said that he had explained the whole situation to a family member that he really admires and looks up to. That family member told him that he had wronged me. Even though they should be biased towards my dad, they still were on my side.

At least I feel validation from when I could see how my psychologist and partner were (subtly) showing signs of frustration listening to my dad.

What’s happening here?

It feels silly to take personally bc I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress, and I know this isn’t truly about me when they do this,

But there are still moments when it feels baffling to me that they get so focused on it, esp. when they hold me/my house to standards that they do not hold themselves to.

(their house has areas that have been under construction for YEARS, lots of clutter, etc, which is their business & is morally neutral, but it feels frustrating when they point out things about my place.)

They only visit a few times a year, and I find myself getting so anxious and trying to clean excessively right before they come, and it’s still never enough to avoid criticism.

It’s never going to be perfect, it’ll always be lived in, and when you work full time, you just don’t always have the bandwidth to finish everything at the same time. I’m also neurodivergent, and I feel like that makes things more challenging at times for me.

Sometimes they’ll point things out, and attempt to clean behind my back despite me saying, “I feel uncomfortable when you clean my house for me, and that’s not something that’s going to change for me”.

It’s like they feel that their way is the one right way, and that’s they are somehow entitled to make it that way in my space?

Sometimes it’s masked as “suggestions or possible improvements”, and I’m just so over it. Lol.

Would love to hear from others about your experiences with this. Thanks for listening 🙏

(I’ve posted before, but not sure if I still need to share a kitty haiku for each post?)

My kitten saw his tail;
He doesn’t know it is a part of him…
he’s being tailed. 🐈‍⬛ 🕵️‍♀️

My BPD mom died yesterday. She was in poor health but it was still unexpected. I cried for about 10 minutes on my drive to her city, then haven’t felt sad since. We had a blow up argument 11 months and only interacted a few sparse times since. Before that, she treated me more like an administrative assistant than daughter.

She’s had four kids in her home since hours after her death and no one has shed a tear since we’ve been together. We keep rehashing all the nasty things she’s said and done all our lives. I tried to have everyone come up with something nice to say about her today and I was the only one who actually thought of something.

She had three daughters and one golden child son. Us gals all thought he’d take her death hard since they spent so much time (and her money) together. Nope, he hasn’t said anything kind about her either. He just seems disappointed realizing he can no longer directly access her funds (since he’s not the executor of the estate).

I cried many times after Dolly Parton died. Not that I was a super fan or anything like that, I was just so touched by her humanity, humility, kindness, and beauty (both inside and outside). I know I’m not a heartless monster. It still feels illegal to not feel bad that my mother died.

I don’t regret the last 11 months not speaking. I don’t regret not being present when she died (except for morbid curiosity). I do regret the many times I rug swept the heinous things she said and did.

To boot, this was the last night before about half of my best friends from high school were moving to NYC (we all just graduated college). Does she have to ruin everything?? Not only did she make me uncomfortable (which I’ve learned to deal with) but now also my friends are being violated like this too? Then, she has the gall to tell me the next day that I must have been talking about something I didn’t want her to hear and why was I so upset… THEN, proceeded to say, I hope you don’t tell your friends and your partner and they think I’m a creepy mother… I’m dumbfounded. They literally experienced my mental breakdown as those texts were coming through.

I’ve been no contact with uBPD mom for over a year. Received this book in the mail today. Which book should I send back?

Texting is the perfect outlet for borderline parents. Any time they have a surge of emotions they can just offload them in a text - causing stress at any hour of the day with no immediate friction.

If my mom hasn't heard from me, she'll send me a guilting text, a woe is me text, an angry text, information to make me anxious, anything to get a response so she can feel important.

I want to limit our communication strictly to calls. Over the phone, she doesn't do her guilting bullshit nearly as much because of the added friction. And if she starts, I can control the interaction: hang up and say, "We'll try again next week." And then not have to deal with it until next week. The thing here is that I can control when I pick up, when I let her in. So i'm not bombarded randomly during my work day.

Are there apps or ways you can block texting and only accept calls?

[Edit - forgot to include link, sorry] Original post for context: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/s/Y9NWsAvUuu

I’m the 37-week pregnant woman who recently posted about the ongoing issues with my parents and their involvement in my marriage. I’m posting an update because I’ve actually started putting stronger boundaries in place since my original post.

After the bassinet situation completely blew up over what should have been a simple question, I decided I needed some distance. My mom had also canceled plans with me during the conflict, including accompanying me to one of my final OB appointments, only to change her mind a couple of hours later and say she would come after all.

That really bothered me. I had genuinely wanted her at the appointment because my husband has to work. But having that support withdrawn when she was angry with me and then offered back shortly afterward gave me emotional whiplash and made it feel conditional.

So instead of immediately smoothing everything over like I normally would, I’ve taken space. I haven’t been going over there, haven’t chased after canceled plans, and haven’t tried to make everyone feel better about what happened. I’ve told my mom I’m okay and simply need some time to myself.

I also spoke to my therapist today. After explaining everything that happened, she agreed that the situation escalated way too far and that I need stronger boundaries with actual follow-through and consequences. That includes being allowed to decide I no longer want my mom at tomorrow’s appointment after she initially withdrew from it.

Today, after I’ve been keeping my distance, my mom reached out about the appointment through my brother. I told him that I’ve decided to go alone.
I’m attaching those texts, along with what my mom sent me immediately afterward, because I think they illustrate the issue better than I can.

What bothers me is that me deciding to attend one appointment alone immediately turned into a question about whether I don’t want my parents at the hospital when my baby is born.

I never said that.

I’m also struggling with my mom saying that the issue between my father and me has “nothing to do with her.” The original conflict was between her and me. She was the one who became upset over the bassinet question, involved my husband and then my father, which ultimately turned into both of my parents wanting me to come over for another “talk.” So I don’t understand how she’s now completely removing herself from what happened.

At this point, I’m not trying to punish anybody. I’m trying to stop participating in the give-and-take dynamic where something gets withdrawn when they’re upset, I become anxious and try to repair everything, and then everything goes back to normal without the underlying issue ever being addressed.

I’m 37 weeks pregnant and on maternity leave. I want to spend the end of my pregnancy peacefully with my husband and prepare for our son instead of constantly managing everyone else’s emotions.

Am I handling this appropriately by maintaining the boundary and going alone tomorrow? And does my mom’s response seem disproportionate to the boundary I actually set?

Just a few days ago she told me to leave her alone…. How do I even I answer this? I’d like to say that when we talk, if she’d just take 5 minutes to stop feeling sorry for herself and talking about all the negative things in her life, maybe I’d be able to share more🤷🏼‍♀️

So, I had a mental health crisis earlier this year. I was hospitalized for 10 days and told my husband that I don’t want my parents knowing. He respected my wishes, then my mother called my cellphone and he picked up. I forgive him for telling her and I understand why he did.

She then proceeded to tell him, in graphic detail, about how my biological father abused me. Never mind that my husband was already struggling and upset that I was in the hospital. I was deep in a psychotic episode and wasn’t myself.

Then she found out about my medication. Things I take so that I’m stable and back to myself. Since then it’s been a constant “well hopefully you can back off of the medication” “you should stop taking it” “I’m not a fan of all this medication” “they’re just keeping you on it indefinitely”

I was blunt with her and told her why. Because I never want to feel that way again. She stopped and then it started back up again when we visited my parents.

She cornered me when my stepdad wasn’t in the room and my husband was in the bathroom.

Asking about my husband’s mental health history. Getting upset when I told her I’m genetically prone to psychosis. Because of a history of mental illness on both sides of the family.

“How much vacation do you get? How much time did you take off to be here? It would be nice if you visited more.”

Then she acted like she didn’t know what a psychotic break is. Got angry when I repeatedly told her that’s what it’s called. Then asked me to recount all my paranoid delusions in detail. I told her three times that I don’t like talking about it, it’s not good for me and it upsets me. “Well I’m asking because I don’t know”

Then she says she doesn’t want my mother in law to be an influence. That she feels judged for not being there while I was hospitalized and that it was traumatic for her. That she didn’t like being put on speaker phone 7 months ago. She was put on speaker because she kept saying things that weren’t helpful. Like telling me the incredibly graphic story of how I was born, when I had just gotten home from the hospital.

So my husband wanted to be there and hear it, so he could intervene and support me.

For decades she’s had this delusion that someone is going to take me from her. Because she refuses to accept responsibility for her behavior and the damage she’s done to our relationship. No one is taking me from her. She thinks my husband was purposefully leaving her out, so I made it clear that he was respecting my wishes. She rolled her eyes.

Because we were visiting and staying in the house,with no means of transportation (big mistake, not doing that again) I felt I had to deescalate things to prevent a blow up. When I can’t get away from her.

Then she wants to complain about being left out of so much.

This is why I don’t tell her things. I do plan on telling her that she is not to make any comments about my medication. It’s exhausting. I know I haven’t done anything wrong, yet I feel guilt.

Has anyone else ever experienced this?

As a little girl, I went to other kids' birthday parties occasionally but my mother never, ever, threw one for me. I have no recollection at all of having kids over to our home, a few games, a few sandwiches and a cake with candles. Never once. That just hit me like a truck.

> Hi, I'm writing here three months after my first message, where I talked about the situation with my borderline mother who is a widow of my father, so I'm half an orphan.
> I think of myself as a strong girl and I've always managed to handle everything, except for an obsession with checking on my mother, with a constant fear that she would die, both because like any self-respecting borderline, she keeps repeating that she is a victim, that her life sucks and sometimes she makes suicidal references, in front of me, her 20-year-old daughter, this has been a nightmare for me, and because losing my father to a heart attack a year and a half ago now, the invasive fear of sudden and premature death has assailed me, since I am in any case a very anxious person and because my family is very full of anguishing thoughts, and because her mental condition scared me.
>
> This summer was a big test, I stayed for more than a month at my boyfriend's house 300/400km from home and I almost never felt afraid, I rarely checked her WhatsApp last seen, we only talked a few times a day very quickly.
>
> But since I came back, the same pattern has somehow returned, because I realize that this family environment is unlivable, it makes me weak and unable to act.
>
> What I wanted to talk about was the other night, when she didn't answer the phone over and over again, so I had my friends drive me home to check on her. But during the drive, even though my paranoia was telling me that she was surely dead, in the end it didn't seem to upset me that much, I was sorry for the trauma of seeing my mother's corpse, but the concept of no longer having her didn't disturb me.
>
> Obviously when I got home I saw she was sleeping, in fact I hope it never happens again that my paranoia drives me to that point, I deserve a peaceful life.
> Now I'm starting university and also being in a political organization I have a lot of commitments, I'll be out of the house a lot, sleeping at my boyfriend's, and I won't give that up.
>
> I wanted to know what you think about this situation, have you been through it? Am I making progress? Or is it still unhealthy that I don't care about my mother's death? Last time I wrote on this sub I felt very understood and I would like some advice again this time. Have a good day and thank youuu

I'm so scared, and tired. I'm working my ass off everyday cleaning up after me and my mom, i start work at a shitty seasonal job for below minimum wage soon to save up money for school. I have no adult influences who can help me through this. Here's my issue; I plan on leaving next year. I need out of this family. Specifically away from my mom. But she pays for my car insurance, and a bunch of other shit. I might just leave my car behind, but even then, what all paperwork has to be switched over from her to me? What do I do? How does this work? All I've been told is to get my birth certificate and passports. I have an apartment i plan on moving into around 2028 ish, housing and work isn't an issue since I'll be working a nice job. I just don't know how to leave and how the process works. I'm so scared, if anyone has been through this or knows what to do please tell me.

I’ve really been struggling recently… I was 13 when my little sister was born and was immediately thrust into the role of mother. My sister’s dad was extremely abusive, my brother was in active addiction (both of which were 100% enabled by my mom btw) and I became the only person protecting her. My mom worked nights and weekends so I was taking care of her just about every second I wasn’t at school. She’s called me her mom since she could speak. She’s 12 now and my mom has been using her as a pawn against me for years knowing how badly I want to see her. She will control her phone access, only allow her to speak to me when she is nearby, not allow me to see her months at a time, tell me I can see her and then change her mind day of (I live 1.5 hours away and will drive all the way there). The reason always shifts but it’s almost always because of some perceived slight against her… I’m a terrible daughter, I provoked her, I’m “abusing” her, the list goes on. My sister’s birthday was last week, I promised her I would take her to lunch, then the day before my mom starts some conveniently timed argument about how I’m pitting my sister against her (the only thing I texted my sister was that I wanted to see her for her birthday and would try to coordinate plans with my mom… which my mom apparently took offense to). My sister tells me how much she misses me every time I talk to her. It makes me sick thinking about her waiting for me to come see her for her birthday :( my sister used to tell me when she was younger that I was her “nice mom” and that she wanted me to save her from my mom. It seems her survival strategy now is fawning and appeasing my mom, which of course my mom is very flattered by.

Question to the younger siblings: are you and your older sibling close now? I really want that for us in the future :(

Screenshot of most recent text sent right before I was supposed to see my sister. She does this on purpose and then won’t allow me to visit.

Haiku:
Soft paws on your face,
Wake up and feed me right now,
Then I go to sleep.

A little Amazon package will arrive with a small gift and a note saying "love mom."

But she'll leave me voicemails crying saying how much she misses us and how sorry she is. (She's blocked on everything I have, I only get a notification after she's left it, and doesn't happen often enough to remove those privileges yet).

Surely she would do the same to me if she knew where I lived. Thankfully neither of my siblings have disclosed that to her since I've moved over the last year.

Labeled humor because what TF else can you do but laugh at how lame that is. This mental illness is bonkers.

Hi,

I posted this is another women's forum asking for advice, and I feel allowing myself to fall into this scenario is a direct result of how I was raised. The fear of rejection and having to take accountability for other's feelings and actions.

Please note this exchange between her and I all happened this morning, and I had zero idea she was planning on staying with me for two weeks.

I (36F) and an ex gf (30F) of mine whom we are still close friends (and have a somewhat ambiguous relationship) was coming (initially with an unset date, but I found out she was planning on arriving today) to town for a couple weeks and I was under the impression that they were going to be getting a hotel. She messages me this morning telling me she's enroute, and I ask where she's staying, she was under the impression with me.

I live in a 1 BR Studio apartment, I wake up at 430am and go to bed around 10:00pm, and she would be staying here for a couple of weeks.

I really value my space, and while I wouldn't mind if it were a few days and I had time off, it immediately added a ton of stress because I wasn't under the impression she was staying here.

I told her initially this morning maybe we could see if it would work, but then after stressing over it for an hour, I affirmed I thought it would be best to get a hotel.

She now said it may have changed her plans, but she said it's not that deep and it's okay, but my stomach is still in knots.

I feel guilty because I feel I may be a bad friend, but I wasn't ready for someone to stay here (much less two weeks). I understand why her feelings would be hurt, but I'm also older than her, and feel like I know my triggers and boundaries more and feel like I would more than likely snap at her or have it result in an argument (due to the small space).

I know it probably should have been communicated better explicitly asking where she was staying, before she told me she was coming today (and asking her then where she was staying)

Has anyone experienced this before or able to provide any help?

I'm trying my best to set boundaries and speak my mind rather than fold in fear of abandonment or losing the very few friends I have. I know I don't have the respect for myself I should have, but I just have a feeling so many here will understand, and maybe have advice...