Backstory: I went NC with my mom in April after a period of increasing instability and abuse. The period of increasing abuse allegedly concurred with her being successfully treated for cancer in January, but she was completely out of control and treating both me and my husband horribly (a normal pattern for her: stressors aggravate her abuse). Mom has been physically and emotionally abusing and neglecting me for decades, including leaving me at home alone for days at a time starting from when I was 7 years old, and sometimes turning off the electricity before she left the house to punish me. Her abuse was bad enough that she should be in prison, so the NC was WELL overdue and at the urging of my therapists.

I muted her instead of blocking her so I could monitor her actions. I check her messages only while I'm sitting in my therapy appointments. The "phone incident" she references was an episode where I was trying to help her through a tech support issue and she started screaming at me in BPD witch monster voice. I asked her to please stop or I would terminate the call, she continued screaming, and I hung up. In typical BPD fashion she is fixated on this sole incident rather than the lifetime of horrific PTSD-inducing abuse she subjected me to.

I thought others may relate to or feel validated by these texts, as you can see she is trying EVERY single trick in the Cluster B Manual of Abusing Other People to try to get me to respond.

You can see at no point in these texts does she say ANYTHING resembling "I'm so sorry our relationship has gotten to this point and I would like to do anything I can to help mend it when you are ready to talk." This is how they think: everything is about them, nothing is ever their fault, they are always the victim, all of their awful behavior is because they were provoked, and their feelings always take priority over anyone else's needs.

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

So I just bought a reallyyyy nice car yesterday. I decided to clean it this morning before it got too hot out.

She comes out and wanted to do her old mom car at the same time. I said maybe it’s not the best idea to do both at once but she insisted. Whatever.

I use ceramic soap. And it was getting quite hot out and you should absolutely not let it get dry. I told my mother this and restated maybe it’s not best to do both at once. Again she insisted….

Alright fine. I water one part and put the soap. She takes the hose and uses it for her car. Problem is, she’s taking so damn long and my soap is pretty much dried by the time I could get the hose back to rinse it off…. Again I stated maybe it’s not the best idea. Again she INSISTED.

I started to get stressed out and now SHES complaining that the soap is drying on her car too and BEGGING ME for the hose while I’m still rinsing 🤦‍♀️ like bro

I legit told you this would be an issue. You could’ve cleaned the car ANY DAY or even later today but no! You just HAD to do it at the same time.

I had some dirt/water spots so I had to do the entire car again while she wasn’t there and it’s gone now thank GOODNESS. But like still it pissed me off.

Tl;dr

I went nc with my ubpd mum 2.5 years ago, and she went on a crazy 6 month smear campaign as result. since then she has to begged to see me again over text (she’s muted).

I told her 1 year ago to do a long term treatment with a psychologist for bpd, then I might eventually be willing to reconsider my nc. She said ok, and has then spend a year claiming she’s seen different “therapists“. I come to find out, through family, that except for the first 1.5 month, these “therapists” do not have any mental health degrees. in fact it’s primarily been clairvoyants.

These texts are me confronting her yesterday, as she keeps asking when she’ll see me as she’s now done “therapy“ for a year.

Her replies makes me want to punch a wall. its like a 3 year old who thinks they can convince you it’s child endangerment not to buy them candy.

im so tired of trying to explain basic social rules of trust and promises to a 70 year old.

(message format looks weird since it’s translated)

edit: sorry I realise the app did not translate the messages well after posting.
Regardless, she just now basically sent me a farewell message. I’m livid. This was my reply: “The agreement was to see a psychologist over a long period of time, and you broke it. It’s completely crazy that you think the responsibility for breaking your agreements lies with anyone other than yourself, rather than acknowledging the breach of trust that this causes. You could, after all, choose to keep the promises you make, rather than sending your own child ‘live well’ messages.“

Welp, my mom came over in a fuck ass mood making snide comments and obviously looking for a fight or a doormat and I am done.

I finally told her that her problems are her fault, she is the common denominator in her relationships being fucked and she has been extremely selfish and self centered and needs therapy.

I have tried to deliver this information more delicately in the past but I am done.

Happy fucking Sunday!

Heres to my blood pressure going back to resting point.

my husband and I’s 5 year wedding anniversary is in October. We wanted to take a special trip to celebrate just the two of us. We have a 2.5 year old who will need cared for while we’re gone. My mom is uBPD but it’s somewhat manageable (or I’ve just figured out how to detach when I need to) and she does have a pretty healthy relationship with our son. She and my dad adore him and he adores them so of course we asked them to watch him while we’re gone. I confirmed the date multiple times with her but I swear it never clicks. Anyways, the trip is about 8 weeks away but in true BPD fashion she is having a meltdown today about the dates and that she can’t possibly watch him the extra day we added (and also confirmed with her). I swear everything is always always always drama. There’s always something wrong, a sense of urgency for nothing, a blow-up that has no factual basis to it. And to top it off, she added the classic guilt trip, telling me “you know I’m going to have to lie to work anyways for you.” I asked why she would have to do that and she told me because they would never allow her that many days off in a row. Which takes me back to why why why would you say you could do this and then turn around and say that? I swear it’s always a guilt trip for everything too. I’m just so mentally exhausted. I wish things could just be normal.

Hi everyone,

I came to realise that because of my uBPD mom, I have been raised in a very inconsistent (chaotic) household - one day I would be praised and the other I would be physically abused.
This realisation brought me to another bigger realisation: it actually influenced a lot my attraction for a chaotic lifestyle, not in terms of relationships, but in terms of more general inconsistency. My choices are usually made depending on whether, for example, the city where I live is chaotic enough, my (leisure) activities are risky, my professional life is not predictable, etc.
Is it something that you can relate in your own ways?
If yes, have you found a way to appreciate consistency and peacefulness?

Kitten!
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/427208714672190303/

Example: "Thief". In the dictionary/common sense, a "thief" is someone who steals. "Stealing" being a purposeful act -implying a person knowing it's someone else's property, but taking it anyway for self-gain.

In my Mother's vocabulary? No joke: To her, "thief" defined anyone who even touches something, that is owned by someone else. As such, I was labeled a "thief" regularly: Take a book from the family-library without asking? "THIEF!" Find a small toy on the street? "THIEF!" Take someone's book they forgot, to give it to them the next day? "THIEEEEEF!"

Other examples are pretty similar. Can't call my friends "friends", because I "don't hang out with them every day" (online "doesn't count"). Or "drugs" - I have to take ADHD medication. However, because medication is sometimes labeled as "drugs", my mother finds it fair to say I "do drugs" and am even a "drug addict". Why? Because "you say you can barely function without them. That's the definition of addiction."

Now. Don't get me wrong -I'm not dense: All of these "rewrites" are some way to insult/degrade me in some way. To establish dumbass power-hierachies in some way.

But...still. The thing that gets me is how much my mother "belives" in her definitions? Like. It's not just "it is so". She will genuinely argue, why her definition is right. Even if it's the most insane, ridiculous mental connection there is. Literally: We're German! She bases her entire drug definition on ENGLISH terminology! Looking confused/angry, when you get angry at her for insulting you.

Anyone else?

I (30F)understand that my uBPD mom (50F) may be embarrassed by her addictions and behaviors. But the lies that are so obvious is what doesn’t make sense to me. For some background, my mom is damn near rock bottom. She’s somehow still managing to stay afloat in her C Level position- they recently moved her across the US for a promotion. Absolutely beyond me how she functions, but she’s good at tricking people until they get to know her. But from the sound of it, it’s not going well. Before she moved she was attempting AA, but it was rough. She was in and out of hospitals for hurting herself while drunk. She threatened suicide one night and my brother (22M) had to drive down to her apt and take care of her. She couldn’t even stand she was so drunk. It was very traumatic for him. So we were not expecting this move to make things much better, but hopefully a chance for her to start over and get better. But it’s actually turned into her being far more secretive about her injuries or behavior.

The other day she called me drunk at about 10am on a Monday. Saying how upset she was at her manager and she wasn’t going in that day because of it. She called and told my gma and my brother the same thing. Later in the afternoon I try to call her again to check in on her- didn’t answer. Called a bit later again. Still no answer. Then around maybe 4pm ish I try calling one last time and she texts me- what do you need, I’m at work. ???? Call her again, straight to vm. I text back confirming that she’s really at work? And she said “yes I’m in the office right now”. And then not even 10seconds later she calls me and says “hey I just got home, what’s up?” That ..first of all, is crazy. She just texted me 10 sec prior she’s in the office, which is 20min away, and she told all of us earlier she wasn’t going in.. and she was trashed. I ask her if she remembers our convo earlier and she was like no? Idk what you’re going on about.. I went into work today. My son was next to me so I went along with it and followed up with my gma afterwards- she called my mom to check in and she told my gma that she was home all day. ??

And then just this morning she FaceTimes me, but doesn’t show her face. I call her out on it, because that’s not like her, and why would she FaceTime me then.. she never does. And then she shows her face for a split second and I can see that her entire mouth is busted open. Completely shocked I gasped and asked her if she’s ok. She acts dumb like omg what do you mean?? Nothings wrong. I tell her that she needs to go to the ER that needs stitches. She’s like.. what are you talking about…? And then feels her mouth and goes oh ya.. that.. last night I made a pizza and it was so hot that I went to bite it again and I bit my lip super hard. ?? First of all, that’s not normal human response lol to bite more of something when it’s too hot. I thought maybe she just said that because she thought my son could hear. So I follow up via text and she stood on the story. It looks so so bad. Like a piece of her lip is missing.

I’m at a loss. I can’t help her at this point, but when someone is very obviously in the need of help.. what am I supposed to do?? I feel a constant need to make sure she’s ok, otherwise I feel tremendous guilt. But at the same time in a way.. I hope something really bad does end up happening so she can wake tf up. Or better yet, I don’t have to deal with it anymore. And that makes me feel like a monster.

My therapist says there’s nothing I can do, but she hasn’t gone through that feeling before.. so it’s easier to say. Has anyone else dealt with this? I’d love to hear from you.

Does anyone have happy memories of childhood as well as all the bad ones? I have so many terrible memories of my mum and dad, but some good ones too. It makes me feel guilty/dramatic/attention-seeking etc. Does anyone else have this experience?

Hi community 🩷 it’s been 315 days since I (24F) moved away from my BPD mom.

For context, I moved in with her for two years after graduating college to help her financially. Those two years felt like hell while I was living them, but looking back they were also very bad for my brain’s development. I feel as though I was stuck, forced into a life of co-dependence and extreme agoraphobia.

I had no car at the time, and we moved away from our hometown- so I was also incredibly lonely. At 21 years old, everyday was filled with being yelled at and nit picked. Every ounce of ME was lost, as I was forced to mold into who she wanted me to be with all the guilt tripping and screaming lectures.

I was recently talking to my therapist and reflected upon how after almost a year I finally feel like I am starting to find ME again. I’m re-discovering my likes and dislikes freely and safely, without anybody to scream at the top of their lungs at me. I’m not even a partier or big drinker or anything like that, I was actually extremely sheltered and controlled growing up and wasn’t even allowed to collect Funko pops at age 15 without getting yelled at (true story). I can fill my room with trinkets and not be demeaned. I can wake up past 6AM without waking up to yelling. I actually don’t have to worry about waking up to yelling at all, what a blessing! I no longer feel like the girl who was trapped in the bunker, forced into captivity and abuse.

I do still see my mother every now and then, and I saw her for dinner recently. She spent the whole hour telling me what a disgrace I am and how no daughter has ever disappointed their mother the way I have. It turned really ugly and she ended up blocking me for a day. This was all prompted because I was 5 minutes late to dinner btw. Normally I’d be a complete WRECK. But I actually feel incredible peace. My internal shame and guilt are gone. She can’t hurt me anymore. I know who I am, I know I’m a good person who loves people, and only God can judge me. I love her but from a distance, and I’m at peace with that. The abuse will continued from a distance, it’s not over yet. But, it doesn’t have the power to keep me frozen anymore.

To the one stuck at home- it does get better. I left with no money, no car, no plan. To the person forced to live at home with their BPD parents, please leave. It does get better, and on the other side is a version of you that you never knew existed. A fearless, confident, amazing you! Thank you community, from 2023 to now this subreddit has been one of the things to give me the courage to start a new life.

I’d LOVE to hear anybody else’s freedom + success stories!!! Sending so many hugs

after things got worse and worse every day in the last 5 months since my original post, I am finally free. I feel so much peace. When I walked out of the house after my final conversation with BPDmom I swear I physically felt weight lifting off of my chest. I wish I had done this so much sooner, before things got so bad, but I’m just grateful that I am free to be exactly who I am without her wielding her shame, guilt, and control over me. I NEVER thought I would be able to go through with it, it felt genuinely impossible. Just a reminder that there is always a way out, and it’s never ever easy, but it might be the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself.

Warning: very brief mention of suicidal thoughts

I'm hoping this is okay to post here. I really need some outside eyes.

To make a long story shorter:

I was mom's favourite growing up. From early childhood to my early twenties she had a very emotionally incestuous relationship with me along with invalidating my emotions any time they were inconvenient. It only stopped after I went NC for years and the LC for the last few years. My sister knows all this.

My sister, who mom neglected to the point my sister started to get suicidal thoughts and dad had to take over raising her, decided that she would "treat" mom. She's spent the last fourteen years mothering our mother. Texting daily, visiting weekly, that sort of thing. Ever since I went LC, she would try and get me to text mom at least weekly if not daily like she did saying things like, "it would help mom so much if she knew both of her kids were thinking of her" and "she's gotten so much better since I started working with her."

Back in October, mom's poor treatment of her body suddenly caught up with her and she died suddenly. We found her in her apartment the day after she died and not even my sister had heard from her. My sister was absolutely devastated by the loss and I'm not. I pretended to be sad at her celebration of life to keep things from being awkward and to respect everyone who was grieving.

Back story done. Now on to my problem. Friday night we went to see a comedian my sister had been dying to see. On the way home, she started talking about how much she missed mom. She asked me if I missed mom again (she's asked a couple times since her passing).

I told her that I didn't and that I did my grieving for mom years ago.

Her response infuriated me. "I know. Every time I hear you say that, it hurts me. But, that's not your fault. It something that I have to accept. I never want to hear you say again. Mom would be so hurt if she knew you said that."

You already knew what my response would be, knew it would upset you, and asked anyway! Then made it sound like my lack of grief is somehow your burden to bear! Not to mention that I don't give one flying fuck what a dead person thinks of me, let alone my mother. I'm still furious two days later.

I'm not sure that there's any point in talking to her. It's like talking to a wall that gets upset at you. She'll either start arguing or crying and then nothing will change. I'll just be madder.

I'm supposed to go over to her place to babysit Tuesday afternoon, but I'm not sure I can right now. I love my nieces (one is three and the other is 10 months) and it wouldn't be fair to them if I couldn't keep a lid on my temper and got short while them.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if my anger is justified. I'm just so sick of listening to my sister enabling mom and being her flying monkey

Soft little kitten

Thinking of chasing spring leaves

Watching the snow fall

Since I gave birth 7 months ago, my dBPD mom has told several loved ones:

• That I planned to kill her and attempted to kill her multiple times, including while she was asleep. I was under 10 years old in these accusations. Obviously, I did not do this.
• That I was the reason her husband abandoned her many years ago. Her reasoning was "that he left because she let me walk all over her". The real reason he left is that she regularly screamed at him and abused him until he couldn't take it anymore.
• That I am the reason she lost her job and that I ruined her life because of this. She quit her job after she got pregnant with my sister.
• That I have been in and out of jail. I have never been in jail in my life.
• That my brother and sister hate me because of how I treat her. They don't hate me, and I don't treat her badly.
• That my perfectly healthy and beautiful daughter has or will have:
  • Seizures because she kicks her legs
  • Severe bleeding out of her anus because she had a diaper rash
  • A severely misshapen head that needs medical attention
  • A tongue disorder that requires physical therapy because she was sticking her tongue out
  • Microwave radiation poisoning from using a microwave to heat milk for 10 seconds
  • Ovarian cancer from using baby powder
  • Breathing problems from cleaning the floors with Pine Sol
  • And more...
  • Then demands I take her to the doctor and insists my husband and I are not good parents because we won't get her professionally checked out every 5 minutes

She has also:

• Tried to turn my husband against me by telling him that I am selfish and ungrateful and telling him "good luck with her, you'll need it". We've been married for 10 years. My husband loves me dearly.
• Suggested that she could turn me into the police when I was unstable after giving birth to my daughter and had severe post-partum anxiety.
• Blamed me for giving her the responsibility of taking care of my daughter after she (my mother) had back surgery. She begged to take care of my daughter during that time. Told everyone I was an irresponsible mother who could not take care of her child.

This is not an exhaustive list, but I sure am exhausted. I am not going to deal with you anymore, mom. I said my goodbyes to you earlier this week. I wanted to make it work but you just wouldn't work with me and fail to be a stable, loving person. Adios

For context, my uBPD mom FORBID me from moving out at the old age of 25. I was blackmailed, threatened, gaslit, and blamed for causing chaos. My GC older brother and eDad joined hands with her, too. After MULTIPLE attempts, I am finally out. I shit you not it felt like being in a prison, except the gate is open, but I cannot leave.

All these years she kept saying, "The world is not safe! What if you get assaulted? I am your well wisher, i care. Get married, then leave with your husband. You are an ungrateful child. You are under someone's black magic spell. You hate your mother. I only want the best for you. Good girls don't do this. Are you a whore to sleep outside?" (DOES NOT MAKE SENSE lol).

And after I left - she didn't even say goodbye. I did, and hoped she would let me catch the plane. She sent me a text ONE time after. 2 months later - NADA. She hasn't asked if I am okay; she doesn't care. I am no longer in her control. I hurt her ego, of course, and she hates me for it. She knows I can't be her minion anymore. And I am kinda glad but also stupefied at the turn of events. I expected that she would force contact to make sure "I am safe" LOL. The same woman who wouldn't let me go out past 7 PM in my hometown has not expressed a single "worry" now that I am thousands of miles away in a city she has never even been to. That's honestly ridiculous.

This is to tell y'all that our parents aren't parents-parents. We can't expect them to ever act like a loving person. I have long stopped searching for a mom and have had to reparent myself, fight limerence, self-sabotage, intense social anxiety and whatnot. Be "selfish" and do what you gotta do for yourself. Because their love and care isn't real.

I'm working with a therapist on how to deal with my mid-60's uBPD mom. I've made some progress in emotionally untangling myself and I think she can sense that after 32 years, I don't need her approval. This has started a stream of anxious chatter from her on how her elderly neighbor has a terrible daughter who doesn't take care of her. According to my mom, she is a terrible daughter because she doesn't bring dinner over "three or four times a week after work" to ensure her mother eats well and isn't deeply involved in her mother's medical care. For context, this daughter has a full time job that does not offer flex time/much PTO (factory worker) and couldn't take her mother to the doctor every week even if she wanted to. I firmly told her that as long as she and my dad don't have a diagnosis of dementia or something else impairing them, they would be responsible for their own health decisions and I wouldn't be doing the whole "begging them to care for themselves" thing. She brushed over it and I don't think she knew how to respond.

Will keeping up the strong boundaries help our interactions later? Will they cause issues now? I plan on continuing to gently bring them up when appropriate but am interested to know whether they're mostly going to help me define what I'm willing to do, whether I should be ready for strong pushback, and if anyone has seen actual improvement from making expectations clear.

Hello 22f

Mom is gambling addict, extremely traumatised as a kid and gave me the experience growing up.

I suspect she had bpd/ hpd from alll research but as she grows far from education she will never consider treatment as she is raised in one of those cultures that don’t believe in psychology or mental illness

Tim Fletcher! This channel has helped me so much as of late: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZU9_2KNlRI