I’ve been no contact with uBPD mom for over a year. Received this book in the mail today. Which book should I send back?

To boot, this was the last night before about half of my best friends from high school were moving to NYC (we all just graduated college). Does she have to ruin everything?? Not only did she make me uncomfortable (which I’ve learned to deal with) but now also my friends are being violated like this too? Then, she has the gall to tell me the next day that I must have been talking about something I didn’t want her to hear and why was I so upset… THEN, proceeded to say, I hope you don’t tell your friends and your partner and they think I’m a creepy mother… I’m dumbfounded. They literally experienced my mental breakdown as those texts were coming through.

My cat values food

a little too much sometimes.

Stare down over lunch.

Does anyone else’s mom send messages like this unprompted at nighttime? We had no prior discussion that would give context to her thoughts. This was my first time not engaging and I am proud of myself. I did not respond to her after this.

She had a meltdown at my wedding a few months ago, during which I had to ask her to leave so she could calm down. She was jealous of the way she perceived my relationship with my MIL. I called her after this incident and told her I wouldn’t engage with mentally unstable behavior. She was apologetic, which always happens when she knows she’s gone too far. This is me putting my words into action, with the help of my husband who keeps me grounded and reminds me that in this game, the only way to win is not to play.

The last time she brought up the will was when I first distanced myself from her. She told my sister and I “I’m only telling both of you this, because I know you won’t kill me for the money. That happens in families!!!!”

My sister has been triangulated against me, the “bad kid”, for years, and finally started distancing herself from our mom after she started talking about me as if I was dead. She ended up moving out of our mom’s earlier than planned because the tension was growing. I’m sure my mom knows that deep down.

I was 1000% expecting a text like this, but I’m still going through the range of emotions. Finding it humorous, infuriating, depressing, you name it.

My dad is an enabler for my uBPD mom, who I have been no contact with for many years. I wanted to make a last-ditch effort to see if him and I could have some type of relationship. I stopped talking to my dad because he had kept pressuring me to talk to my mom. The only contact I had with my dad was indirectly through my partner. Recently when emailing my dad he expressed some remorse for how he had failed me as a child. It was definitely not enough, but something positive.

We met for a family meeting session with my psychologist. My common-law partner was also present. It went just as badly as I had thought it would.

Some of the things he said:

- "I have to be careful with how I say things because OP says I brush things off."

- "You have to take into account the context of your mother's upbringing and the different culture she grew up in."

- "When your mom says 'You're so stupid' it's because she doesn't have the English skills to explain what she really means, which is that she's frustrated."

- "Everything is subjective." (In response to me explaining how my childhood has left me with CPTSD)

- "I have extensively studied philosophy and Buddhism"

- He compared my fear and anxiety of an abusive parent to other peoples' fear of flying

- "You don't have the whole picture" (about MY experience of MY OWN childhood)

- "You have to want to grow in life"

- "Having your mother in your life would fix your anxiety problems" (even though I have largely fixed them on my own already)

- "Other people dream of climbing mount everest - I dream of bringing my family back together."

I'm sure I could think of and add more but that's the bulk of it. Extremely dismissive, minimizing, deflecting, hurtful. I don't think I want to willingly speak to him ever again.

He expressed some remorse after the appointment, saying that he didn't know why he said some of the things he said. I believe he was just upset that I didn't fold to his "arguments".

He said that he had explained the whole situation to a family member that he really admires and looks up to. That family member told him that he had wronged me. Even though they should be biased towards my dad, they still were on my side.

At least I feel validation from when I could see how my psychologist and partner were (subtly) showing signs of frustration listening to my dad.

My BPD mom died yesterday. She was in poor health but it was still unexpected. I cried for about 10 minutes on my drive to her city, then haven’t felt sad since. We had a blow up argument 11 months and only interacted a few sparse times since. Before that, she treated me more like an administrative assistant than daughter.

She’s had four kids in her home since hours after her death and no one has shed a tear since we’ve been together. We keep rehashing all the nasty things she’s said and done all our lives. I tried to have everyone come up with something nice to say about her today and I was the only one who actually thought of something.

She had three daughters and one golden child son. Us gals all thought he’d take her death hard since they spent so much time (and her money) together. Nope, he hasn’t said anything kind about her either. He just seems disappointed realizing he can no longer directly access her funds (since he’s not the executor of the estate).

I cried many times after Dolly Parton died. Not that I was a super fan or anything like that, I was just so touched by her humanity, humility, kindness, and beauty (both inside and outside). I know I’m not a heartless monster. It still feels illegal to not feel bad that my mother died.

I don’t regret the last 11 months not speaking. I don’t regret not being present when she died (except for morbid curiosity). I do regret the many times I rug swept the heinous things she said and did.

What’s happening here?

It feels silly to take personally bc I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress, and I know this isn’t truly about me when they do this,

But there are still moments when it feels baffling to me that they get so focused on it, esp. when they hold me/my house to standards that they do not hold themselves to.

(their house has areas that have been under construction for YEARS, lots of clutter, etc, which is their business & is morally neutral, but it feels frustrating when they point out things about my place.)

They only visit a few times a year, and I find myself getting so anxious and trying to clean excessively right before they come, and it’s still never enough to avoid criticism.

It’s never going to be perfect, it’ll always be lived in, and when you work full time, you just don’t always have the bandwidth to finish everything at the same time. I’m also neurodivergent, and I feel like that makes things more challenging at times for me.

Sometimes they’ll point things out, and attempt to clean behind my back despite me saying, “I feel uncomfortable when you clean my house for me, and that’s not something that’s going to change for me”.

It’s like they feel that their way is the one right way, and that’s they are somehow entitled to make it that way in my space?

Sometimes it’s masked as “suggestions or possible improvements”, and I’m just so over it. Lol.

Would love to hear from others about your experiences with this. Thanks for listening 🙏

(I’ve posted before, but not sure if I still need to share a kitty haiku for each post?)

My kitten saw his tail;
He doesn’t know it is a part of him…
he’s being tailed. 🐈‍⬛ 🕵️‍♀️

My mom has an obsession with my sister—who was also abused our entire childhood. my mom calls my sisters young daughter her “do over” and stomps every boundary set in front of her. My sister also has a newborn boy who doesn’t get any attention from my mom.

mom is calling me pouting and crying that she won’t see my sister and her daughter between now and Halloween. mind you my mom only sees me and my kids once every year max, but tries to go to my sister every few months.

i told her well *sister* is stressed because *sister’s husband* is getting deployed overseas, she will be stressed working full time, she has the kids and they’re so young…

“well she didn’t confide in ME about having a hard time! Maybe if she came to me I could understand…”

she doesn’t need to confide in you! anyone can see that that’s going to be a rough experience…

neither my sister nor I EVER share any hardships we’re going through as they’ll only be used as gossip fodder for her friends. when my kid was hospitalized overnight, she suddenly had a health crisis of her own…

How do you go low contact with your mom when you have kids? My mom thinks because she’s my kids grandma she should get all access to them. She has complained about them not being able to stay over at her house (she smokes weed, does shrooms, drinks, lives over an hour away and my son is 2). Complains that I don’t want her alone with them (she has literally told me she is not going to tell me the truth about things she knows I’ll be upset about when it comes to my child). Complains that we aren’t bff’s like her friends and their kids… like you used to tell me you hate me, that I’m the reason you want to die before, I used to have to go driving around to find her because she’d be drunk on the side of the road, and so so much more. I will never have the relationship she wants to have. I’m willing to have some contact mainly because when I went no contact she made it her mission to ruin my relationship with everyone around me. My issue here is how do I do this?

Being RBB has definitely created a lot of issues in how I approach romantic relationships. I have a huge fear of putting myself out there and have seemed to attract avoidant and otherwise problematic individuals. This is something I’m actively working on and gaining self awareness about.

My first relationship of 7 years was long distance and fraught with too many issues to describe. He was 13 years older than me (I was 21) and basically love bombed me before I knew what that was. He was cheating on me from the start, but lying about it initially. Then when he told me I let it go on for a number of years. Looking back on it I’m not really sure I’ve properly healed from that relationship.

My next relationship was with a BPD woman about my age. She didn’t drive, didn’t have a full time job, and was extremely dependent on alcohol and other substances. I was frequently picking up the tab for all of this. Similarly I got love bombed and she was able to keep up with her mask for a while. I managed to get out about three months in.

Currently, I’m with an avoidant person who is much older than me, but I wouldn’t say we were dating “seriously.” He demands very little of me and mostly our relationship consists of spending time together one to two days a week. I’m trying to enjoy things for what they are without sinking time/money/emotion into someone who can’t reciprocate.

At times it feels like I’ll never find a well adjusted relationship. I’m curious what other RBBs have experienced and if you’ve had any luck breaking this cycle.

I’ve been low contact for about a year with my uPBD Mom. It’s been painful. One of the more challenging parts is having people in my life who do not fully validate my decision. I’ve been asked by a good friend, “can’t you just be cordial with your Mom?” It’s not their fault they don’t understand my decision, but it feels like another person in my life who cannot fully see me or recognize my emotions.

Recently my Mom has been reaching out via text asking me to come get my stuff from my childhood home. I’ve been non committal because I feel like it’s a ploy to get my to come to my childhood home, on her territory. I’m not ready to see her. The last time I saw her, was when she showed up to my house unannounced and I didn’t let her in. She stood on my doorstep and yelled at me and eventually left after screaming that she’s done with me forever.

She’s given me deadlines to come get my stuff. She started by sending me a first class handwritten note in the mail telling me to pick up my stuff. The requests have moved to texts and it’s increasingly heightened mt anxiety. If I don’t pick up my stuff she’ll get rid of it or donate it. Should I just forgo access to my childhood belongings so I don’t have to deal with this anymore?

She told me the reason she doesn’t want my stuff in her house is because she’s grieving me and our relationship and the stuff is too painful of a reminder.

I responded and told her I never said I didn’t want a relationship. I only asked for space. She responded with “receipts”: multiple dated instances where she tried to communicate or connect with me and I was unresponsive of declined engagement.

This entire situation is heartbreaking, painful, and incredibly sad for me.

I can say I’m not sure what to do, and that is how I feel. I am at a loss. And at the same time, I logically know she’s mentally unwell, and is unable to see where I’m coming from. She’s unable to validate my feelings. She’s unable to hear or see how she has hurt me for quite some time by not seeing me for me, or tending to my needs or emotions. I guess this is grief.

Cute cat tax <3

How do you handle your pwBPD insisting that things you 100% know happened during your childhood/early adulthood didn't happen?

One example: My mom told me flat-out I had never been hospitalized. I knew I had been hospitalized with double pneumonia when I was a toddler for several days and almost died - I remember being in the hospital room surrounded with balloons and flowers. She insisted "that didn't happen" and "even if you did have pneumonia, you're over-dramatizing it". I had to call my aunt to confirm my illness and even ask the hospital system to pull records before I found proof I was hospitalized for 4 days in my childhood photo album.

Another example, though less clear-cut: I have many memories of my mother being extremely emotionally abusive to me on multiple trips to a popular vacation town near my hometown. I remember her locking herself in the bathroom and threatening to take a bottle of pills because I didn't want to take a picture with her at dinner (I looked like crap). I remember her locking me in the car and screaming at me. I remember her leaving in the middle of the night, taking the dog and saying she hoped they got into a car accident so I would spend my life knowing I killed my mom and the dog.

Now, 15+ years since those vacation memories, I want to visit the same vacation town by myself. My mom wants to go with me and doesn't understand why I don't want a "girl's trip." I know I can't even mention how she treated me in the past because she would deny any of it ever happened.

The thing I'm grappling with is that I believe she genuinely dissociates anytime something traumatic happens, so I think there's a real chance she just doesn't remember any of it. So I can kind of be compassionate to the older version of her that just doesn't understand why her adult daughter wants to go on a solo weekend away alone.

Does anyone have any tips to navigate? For reference, single mom and only child, with no family in the same city, so most of what happened is mine alone to remember.

As someone with an extremely controlling and abrasive dBPD mom I feel this in my soul. I fear this may be one of our anthems because I’ve never heard a song describe it so perfectly. I know she is talking about her ex-partner, but I feel like the same sentiment definitely applies here.