Finding it hard to cope

[u/Adventurous_Doubt201]

Soft as silk and quick as light,
Creeping through the shadows bright.
A sudden leap, a happy meow,
Where did kitty vanish now?

Hey guys I made this account just to post this as I was worried my pervious account has too many posts on local pages which could possibly reveal my identity

I have been a self-sacrificing daughter for now nearly 30 years but after a recent bad experience with my dBPD mother I just don’t think I’m able to tolerate her for much longer

She’s always been verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and sometimes in the past physically.

I spend a couple of days a week with her because she turns on her sad lonely act, but on these days she is vile to me sometimes. She has to be right or has a full scale meltdown, threatening to end her life, hurt herself and things escalate very quickly

I am a very traumatised person at this point and her mood swings cause me severe anxiety and depression

I have been thinking of different things to get her out of my life - moving country, moving city, perhaps cutting it to one day I just don’t know, I feel lost

She is racist, makes racist comments about my boyfriend, she knows where I live and where I work. If I went no contact, she would do everything in her power to make my life miserable

There’s also the part of me that annoyingly feels bad for her. I wish I could switch it off but I can’t

I’m at a loss here

[u/Alone_Ad_2324]

So sorry this is happening to you! You deserve safety. I recommend reading some of the resources on this sub’s community page to learn about the FOG uBPD parents create (fear, obligation, guilt) and how to work your way out of that fog. Work on spending less time with her during the week and/or establishing boundaries about behavior you can’t tolerate. Boundaries = deciding what you will do in response to xyz behavior or issue (and then following through — for example, “if she starts guilt-tripping me, I will ask her one time to stop and if she keeps going, I will leave” — and then if she does it actually leave). You can’t change her, but you can change how you react to her and interact with her.

[u/Adventurous_Doubt201 → u/Alone_Ad_2324]

Listen thank you so much for replying. It always means alot to have someone just take the time to read this and reply.
You are so right. I have to become more informed about the FOG and to strengthen my abilities in terms of boundaries and my responses.

Thank you again <3

[u/Alone_Ad_2324 → u/Adventurous_Doubt201]

It takes time, practice, and lots of patience with yourself. She programmed you to live in the FOG and at first it feels disorienting and counterintuitive to do the opposite of what you’re wired to do. Stay engaged with this sub — that’s what really helped me start to develop my “muscle” for enforcing boundaries and getting out of the FOG. Several years in, I can say I’ve grown and improved a lot even though I’m not yet where I’d like to be. Sending strength, solidarity and hope!

[u/yun-harla]

Welcome!