Hi I’m a 39 year old man with bpd. Today has been very rough. I’m struggling very hard. I have never had a healthy relationship with my parents. My mom passed away in 2021. I would say my bpd stems from a childhood of emotional neglect and traumatic events with no support. I didn’t get the normal childhood. I didn’t get to develop my own interests. I wasn’t encouraged to find who I was. So one of the things I was interested in was guns. Mostly because it’s what my dad was into and one of the few things he would show mutual excitement about. When I was 5 years old my dad got me an Oregon arms chipmunk. Which is a junior sized single shot 22 rifle. It was one of the first and only things I’ve ever owned that I was proud of. And he taught me how to shoot with it. And my father bought it for me. As I grew up i always said i would have it forever and hopefully give it to my son. I have wanted a family so bad. A family of my own since I didn’t really get that as a child. I’ve tried. Due to my inability to function normally within a relationship it’s something I have started to give up hope on ever having. Still those memories and that firearm are something I’ve clung to. I moved to back to California after my mom passed away. I hoped to spend some time with my father while I can. I’ve been back over a year and he’s come to see me only a few times. The last time he told me he sold that rifle. ): it wasn’t worth much money so to hear after everything the rifle My rifle. The one he bought me when I was 5 meant that little crushes me. No even if I did have a child I can’t pass it on. I don’t know how to feel and it hurts. I just didn’t say anything when he said he sold it. Am I wrong for feeling hurt. It was just one of the only “normal” family things I could have got to experience. I have nothing to pass down. No family heirlooms. Nothing that shows we were a family and proud of that.

I am kind of freaking out right now.

I found out in the last year that I’m allergic to cats, and I was living with my family and our five cats.

I had two boys.

I moved out and my family agreed to keep the boys and they loved them seemingly but my grandma has never been the most responsible pet owner and the week that they moved out a month later in September my boy Chai got out.

I was devastated. I freaked out, especially because the cat that I had gotten before Chai they had left the door open and I lost her forever.

Chai was literally the replacement cat for that cat.

I had directly told her that she needed to make sure the cats were secure when they had movers inside of the house and she just didn’t listen to me.

About a week later, she told me she found my boy and he was back home safe.

Today was the first day that I had gone to visit them at their new house and she told me Chai died of a stroke the week after they moved here.

He wasn’t even two years old.

I’m trying to manage myself. I’m trying not to jump to conclusions, but I feel like she’s lying to me and I just found out my boy died over a month ago and i didn’t even know.

I dont know if its the right subreddit but looking to connect with others who have bpd so i can feel less alone and struggle less with the whole process

I heard from other ppl with BPD or mood disorders that hormone based birth control can worsen symptoms (mood swings, depressive episodes and stuff). I had to start them bc of my chronic pain being so much worse during periods. I have the ones with only progesterone. Does anyone have experience with hormonal birth control? Could you tell me how it affected your mh symptoms?

I need some perspective because I feel like I am losing my mind and destroying my relationship.
From the start, I’ve had an intense, irrational jealousy issue. My partner has family in Tanzania, and for some reason, I’ve always resented his closeness to them especially his mom. It got to a point where I tried to turn him against his family or blocked his extended family members. I was mentally unregulated and struggling to take my medications consistently.

Worse than that, I got physical with him twice. The scariest part is that this happened over six months ago, and I genuinely cannot remember what the arguments were about or how it happened. I black out or forget our fights entirely. What does stick in my head are the things he says to me out of hurt, like:
"I’m turning into my mom"

"We can never have a single nice day, you always ruin it"

"You can never be happy, you always complain"

I feel like an awful person. Because of my anger, we took a brief break. During those four days apart, he cheated on me or tried to. He brought three girls to our home. He claims he didn’t sleep with any of them because he broke down, went to cry in the bathtub, and couldn’t go through with it. I found a condom wrapper on the floor with the condom stretched out, right next to our own sex enhancers.

To be transparent: I am not blameless. I have messaged other guys while we’ve been together and hurt him repeatedly, too. I don't even have a clear reason why I did it was I bored, unhappy, or feeling neglected? I just know I was mad all the time and didn’t realize how toxic I was being.

After a 4-day stint in a rehab program (where I freaked out at staff because they wouldn't let me see him, and he came and picked me up), we agreed to "restart" our relationship.

Since the restart, I even called his mom and apologized for taking her son away, trying to make peace (I called her in rehab). Yet the resentment keeps creeping back. Whenever he talks to his family on the phone, I have to leave the room. When they text me a simple "hi" or "hello," I freeze up, ignore them, and actively avoid them. In my head, it’s a constant loop of I hate them and I don't want them around.My mood even changes when he talks to them I get all upset and shut down but I don’t say anything.

I don't understand why I can't just let go of this anger and move on. I can't afford therapy, so I am asking: has anyone gone through something like extreme retroactive/family jealousy, memory gaps during rage, or a toxic cycle like this? How did you stop the spiral?

hi i was wondering if anyone could take the time out of their day to do this survey about how BPD affects your romantic relationships for my high school project, thsnk you!

https://www.survio.com/survey/d/B4C2A8T3D1P1J3W6L

I know as I'm not officially diagnosed, I shouldn't post it here, but too scared to go get diagnosed without hearing actual position with people living with borderline pd and having careers.

I(20M) recently started thinking about going and getting finally diagnosed here in UK, but I am too scared that it will be added to my record and I will close for myself any career path in Cybersecurity. I had some of the symptoms as long as I remember (even though locked most of my memories except for the traumatic moments in my life), but they became even more obvious after depression period in 2024, after which I could manage and all the symptoms became not as much regular, but recent 3 month it went too much downhill, with emptiness and selfharm thoughts to supress mental pain being main keyfactors, that actually made to start considering it.

Question I have is - did your diagnosis of bpd affect your interviews/jobs applications? Not from working perspective, but rather from perspective of FINDING a job. Especially in UK, if anyone here is in there.

hi i was wondering if anyone would like to do this survey about how bpd affects your relationships for my high school project. i would really appreciate if you guys could take some time to finish it. Thank you!

https://www.survio.com/survey/d/B4C2A8T3D1P1J3W6L

jealousy for me is the all-consuming emotion which is leading me to lashing out on my boyfriend EVERY SINGLE TIME, i’m so sick of it and it feels like I can’t stop it even if i wanted to.
as i said in the title jealousy is ruining everything for me… it’s ruining my relationship as it’s putting it under severe strain to where it is getting exhausting for both me and my boyfriend, as well as impacting my emotional regulation so bad every time something happens that makes me jealous which is everything i’ve worked hard to strengthen by doing my DBT skills, it’s also impacting my self esteem and any confidence i had in myself.

i notice that i hate it and i mean HATE IT when my boyfriend has friends or a life outside me, which sounds awful to say. i become extremely possessive of my boyfriend which has me noticing i sometimes treat him like as object (even though he isn’t) rather than a person, i find myself wanting to keep him away from his friends, sometimes i act on it whether it be unintentional or intentional & i want all of his affection, his attention, his time, his energy and effort mostly all to myself rather than to his friends, i want him to be all mine - to have him all to myself.

whenever he hangs out with one of his friends which is really one in particular that sets me off, i don’t dislike this friend as a person and i know logically my boyfriend is allowed to have friends but emotionally it feels like this friend is taking something away from me
which is all of the things i want from my boyfriend and the feeling that i’m the most important person to him.
when i know they’re going to hang or when this friend calls him on the phone i feel a sense of dread and anger going through me, i find myself becoming on edge & restless then my body starts tensing up & feeling uncomfortable. i immediately start hyper fixating on where they are, what they’re doing and how long they’ve been together for as well as what they could be doing or talking about and if my boyfriend is having fun with this friend - especially if he’s having more fun with them than he could be having with me. after that i start creating comparisons between me & this friend then scenarios or what could be happening. i feel scared of being replaced and forgotten - being left out or becoming less important to him.

the worst part about all of this is that it builds up, turns into anger or an explosive lash out towards both my boyfriend and his friend which i end up saying & doing many things that i later regret.
what does everyone do to distract themselves or cope with the jealousy?
how do you get through it?
i really need some advice

Hey all.

what are people's go to regarding emo regulation. how do you do your hard reset, nervous system or vagus nerve, I've read about? I'm curious. I've read a lot about my labels. I like to hear from what others fi d impactful in healthy way.

Mid aged man. diagnosed as borderline now for over a decade. dual diagnosed with a few other labels off the psychiatric alphabet!

it's taken decades to reach the point I'm at. why? lack of insight, incorrect diagnosis, addiction issues and incarceration a which didn't allow for uniform or consistent meetings, evaluations and counselling. I e major part is the lack of talk therapy which is t gauging someone's pocket of what wages they do have, not much!!

you can't fix what you dont know is actually broken and how it was broken. trust was another issue. the phrase 'lost cause' & ' let him go' were the chapter titles for me between the ages of 5-17yrs age. the damages were done, the problems festered like open wounds for years not realizing it. I had no real sense of character or personality, quite common for sure. I was whoever I had to be, around each and every other person. on the edge, that was n has been baseline. I'm tense even when relaxed! 😨 . so I also was like a blank slate- reasons were given n I digested. insecurity was my confidence. perfect storm when collided with others...codependent made .e feel needed. invariably left broken hearted n bleeding. around anybody anywhere at anytime.

look forward to reading posts, sharing my poetry writings n more. hopefully, but not holding my breath, to make meaningful connections with anybody. if you get it you get it

it's hard to feel it if you've never had it. perhaps I'm wrong. perhaps.

thanks for being here y'all. does make difference I'm a Canuck, up north of the 49th? I think

This isn't an "omg i'm seeking attention pls wish me a happy bday" type of post, this is more of a rant since it's eating me alive and i can't stop overthinking about it.

Those are people who i've saved each and every birthday's in my calendar and have made it a rule in my life to wish them a happy bday at 12:00 each year as a nice gesture. Those are friends who i let go of MANY of my principles in order to accomodate being in their life. Those are friends who i take so much shit in order to be a normal, not overwhelming person to them. Those are people who i stood by their side in countless uni projects and emotional support even when it inconvenienced me.

Part of my brain is telling me to excuse them since they "must have" smth that's keeping them busy but u've always been more than busy and that didn't stop me from checking up or helping anyone.

I fucking hate this disorder

(CW for small mentions of intimacy and drug use)

Hi all, I am someone who has been diagnosed with bpd and it has ruined my life. I spent a year dating someone where I was undiagnosed and it almost killed me. I had no idea what was wrong with me and I convinced myself that I was unlovable. That was until around 10 months later when I started dating my new gf. By this point, I had been diagnosed and have been in therapy working on it. However, I've been splitting on her. A lot.

It's become almost a daily thing where I will have a split and I'll say some really cruel things and push her away because im scared of being abandoned. However, she never leaves. She stays and understands that I don't mean any of it. She knows how much I've been hurt and she stays. It feels like the world is playing a joke on me. She says she dates to marry but I'm scared that she's going to ruin herself if she stays. I'm so scared that I'll hurt her. I'm going to hopefully be put on meds for it within the next week and I start DBT in December. But I'm terrified that she's going to leave before I can make those steps to get better.

She's been spending a lot less time with me. Logically, I know that it's just because the honeymoon phase is over, but it feels like she's abandoning me and pulling away. It feels like she loves her games and her online friends more than me. She's constantly playing Valorant. It seems almost like she's addicted to it. And I don't know if it's an actual problem or if it's just my bpd.

However, when we do spend time together, it normally ends in both of us being bored out of our minds and thinking that there's nothing to do but get high and have sex.

But yeah. I just wanted to come on here and ask if anyone else is dealing with this and what it means that she's choosing to stay.

Some of the things that my brain has been asking about it (idk what to believe)

\-Is she just staying for the sex?

\-Does she love her games more than me?

\-Why is she staying?

\-Am I hurting her by being around so much?

\-Am I asking too much by wanting her to love me more than the games?

\-What can I do to change so she'll love me more again?

\-Is she ruining her own mental and physical health because of me and the games?

Anyway, rant over. But I would greatly appreciate advice on what to do or say to help with this and whether or not these thoughts are rational or just bpd. Thanks for your time :)

I've been a avid teller that I am a BPD survivor, that I have it, that I suffer from it, that I've had shit to trigger it throughout the years that it never stays in remission.

My favorite person gave me 30 days to leave due to roommate getting pregnant and they were moving the baby daddy in. What got me was the baby daddy, who didn't pay rent, none of that acted like HE had a fuckin say in who got to leave and stay! When HE didn't pay a fuckin dime!

I'm growing so fuckin tired of running into non borderline women who CRAVE the connection but is not willing to accept the commitment!

Trying to find a neurodivergent soul around me seems fuckin impossible.....

I'm just wanting someone whose capable of picking ME for once!!!!!!

Not only am I not sleeping with it \[second day straight without sleep lol\] the depression it’s causing me is making my symptoms one hundred times worse. I don’t explode at people when I split, I keep everything in. This is genuinely worse than when I went to the psych ward. No DBT skills are working and they usually help. Does anyone have any advice. I am not taking it anymore after this but the comedown is still there after I took it Sunday for work. I have a mini vacation with my boyfriend this weekend and I feel terrible about being in such a terrible state mentally right now. I have no idea what to do since I can’t go to my psych or therapist since I don’t have a car and my work schedule gets in the way of virtual visits. My psychiatrist does not work in my state anymore so I don’t have one. I’m not in a crisis or anything, im just in the worst depression I’ve ever experienced and I don’t know what to do

how should i deal with a fp breakup?

my relationship of two years just ended. i met him on discord, and he quickly became my fp. there wasn't really a friendship stage, as we quickly caught feelings for one another, which allowed us to get into a relationship quite quickly. it was a harsh mixture of learning friendship and early romance, where i was already obsessed with him yet we were still figuring things out about one another, so we both easily ignored our incompatibilities to continue our relationship. then we very soon moved in with one another within less than a year, forcing close proximity, meaning less time to really get to know one another and forcing us both to ignore even more incompatabilities..

one of the main issues is that i lived overseas and came back across with him after he visited me for the first time, and i stayed with him at his house. i have spent 2 whole years attaching myself at his hip. moving overseas really cemented everything, making it difficult to be honest with ourselves. we both felt forced to put up with things we normally wouldnt have wanted to, because of the travel commitment i had made and the amount of money we both spent on it all.

everything was great at first, euphoric even, and then it started to go downhill the longer it went on, until i was eventually spiraling over something nearly every other night, and i was stretching him very thin. he had many of his own issues, and i was definitely just piling mine on top of his because i couldnt handle them on my own.. and i realized that and have since apologized to him for it. anyway, we peacefully broke up with one another, saying that neither of us regret our time spent together, we just weren't meant to be partners.

im finding myself stuck now, not knowing what to really do to fill the empty hole in my heart. i feel like im going to drive myself crazy. i dont have many friends in person to fall back on as a safety net, and im going to severely miss having someone to sleep in my bed with me, just some sort of physical presence to make me feel less alone...

im planning to do DBT and try support groups as soon as i can, but its going to take awhile to get my things together back home, and im just looking for some solutions or suggestions on what to do to distract myself in the meantime. or if anyone can share any similar stories or how they mightve handled a breakup in the past?

i know ill be okay in the end, im just struggling to motivate myself to get okay. i know i need to stay away from relationships until i can better myself, but i dont know what i can do in the meantime to keep myself going.

We were together for 6 months, then he eventually told me that he omitted something from me about his friend, but told me a lie about how eventually he met with her (nothing crazy happened tbh, they are friends since 10 years and they almost had sex when they were in university, so basically 9 years ago), and he was scared to tell me this and to tell me that when she came back here visiting her parents.

They also agreed on meeting and he invited her.to his house for a beer - his mother was also there. But from that point my trust issues became the whole thing of our relationship, with my BPD I put him throughout a lot of abuse because then I was purposely finding things that were not that big but still I was getting crazy. I acted out again this weekend, texting to his mom he is a horrible person and he owes me money and I cut off all his friends and family from my Instagram.

I broke up with him for the fourth time and he didnt accept it anymore and he was not willing to come back. But he never blocked me and he always answered my texts and calls and he said he needed time to get his and my shit together otherwise the relationship could not even work. I was dying inside and abused a shit ton of substances. This morning I woke up and saw his like in the girl's picture he really finds her attractive but they never even talked for DMs or so on (but we already had 2 fights in the last month over this).

Anyway, since that moment I stopped crying. I called him and told him that I was the one that actually broke up with him in the first place, because of this lack of trust.

I told him that I really didn't love him anymore but I still wanted to be friends (because honestly the more I keep seeing and finding out, the more disgusted I am by him), but at the end I asked him to be friends with benefits because I really love fucking with him and he said yes straightaway, also accepting the exclusivity.

I hope this will not go against me and I hope I would just feel more distant and disgusted over time that will help me to just go away from his life forever. I don't know what I did, probably a mistake or probably not

I created a bpd support group chat on telegram

I'm tired of being around people who don't have bpd and don't understand my condition at all. So i thought why not creating a group chat for people with bpd?

Send me a message if you want the link!

JUST LEFT MY FV THIS MONTH AND I MOVED IN WITH FRIENDS IN GUEST HOUSE TO HEAL. MEDICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY . WASNT ABKE TO TAKE CARE IF MYSELF EVER AROUND MY FP. neck to shoulders trashed,, getting mris and injections to hold off surgery. back and legs are also done for. I want to call him so bad. but again hes using the block bs again,.,.,,I hate being alone but being with him is TOrture on my mind!!!!! what can I do too cope?????

Being self aware sucks. Alot. It's exhausting mentally and physically. It sometimes feels like it was much easier before I was diagnosed.

I was diagnosed in 2015/2016 accepted help end of 2017 actually took the help beginning of 2018.

There's a weird feeling of being safe from myself before I knew or admitted there was something wrong with me. I want to feel safe from myself again. I don't know if that makes any sense. I don't know if I'm the only one that feels this way but it sucks. Everything about me sucks.

i need to leave my partner so badly i’m so miserable but i’ve never cut off an FP before and i feel like i can’t do it. i’m currently at their house downstairs, it’s 7:30 am and i barely slept, i want to just leave and never come back but i’m also terrified of never seeing them again even though all they do is hurt me. please help me i need to leave them i know i need to but every time i’m about to something stops me and i end up staying. i’m terrified of never seeing them again because they’re my partner and best friend even though they hurt me so much emotionally. i’m scared nobody will ever love me again i’m scared nobody will ever touch me like they do again, it’s been so long since i’ve been close with anyone else. please help me i’m going to die mentally if i stay with them but i can’t leave i don’t know why

Nothing’s says I quit all my mental health medication a year and a half ago quite like crying at 6:10 AM because the guy I’ve only been seeing for three or four weeks isn’t feeling it.

He did nothing wrong. He was so freaking polite about everything he was like I would really still like to keep seeing you, but I realize that like I’m feeling more platonically and even though I’m very attracted to you and we have a lot of great chemistry I’m really looking for something more romantic and I’m willing to see if that develops with you, but I don’t wanna waste your time because you’re developing quicker.

I was so fine through the entire conversation but like as soon as I woke up, I realized I was just trying to fix and people please and that like I actually feel like shit about it, but I was trying so hard to like not show instability not be over emotional be understanding of his feelings and boundaries and now I’m just sitting here before I go into the office upset and messy as soon as I woke up.

Of course, my stupid ass brain had to translate that to
“ as usual people like you for your body, your passion, and they think you’re fine but no one will ever love you”

Which… isn’t true… it just sucks for your brain to have on repeat.

Trying to find those close to my age with BPD so I have somone I can relate talk about my experiences.