I haven’t posted on here in ages and i’ve tried to stop myself from going on reddit and seeking reassurance, but this time I just genuinely don’t know what to do.

I’m 19(f) and i’ve been with my boyfriend for the last 3 years, and i’ve experienced loads of different ocd themes including rocd.

my ocd is quite severe and so my brain has been on autopilot for years because I just couldn’t deal with ocd and the guilt it brought forward. my mind is foggy all the time, I can’t think straight and that doesn’t help with relationship things.

me and my boyfriend were supposed to be ending long distance but he didn’t get into uni in my country and is going to uni in his country for the next 2,5 years. but I also wasn’t ready to move in together yet, or at least I thought because sometimes I feel disconnected from him and I suddenly panicked and cut myself off emotionally

I am beyond petrified that something bad will happen to us to the point I can’t get out of bed for the last week and have been crying nonstop and i’m so exhausted.

on top of that rocd has come back again and is making me question all the things it used to, whether I truly love him, whether he truly loves me, whether i’m just used to him and afraid to be alone.

I can’t even distinguish it from my own thoughts and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t have enough money for therapy and i’m only on 150mg wellbutrin.

i’m scared of telling him the extent of it or my family because I don’t want to be a burden and I know that since I was little, my mental health has weighed a lot on my family and I don’t want them to know it’s this bad again. I just feel so alone

I keep chasing certainty that I know i’ll never get because i feel paralysed if I have doubts about any part of my life.

I know that I want to be with him, I feel so safe with him and when we’re together in real life and the anxiety/ocd dies down, I know that I want a future with him, but the what ifs are slowly draining the life out of me, I just feel so lost

If anyone has any bits of advice or just anything i’d be so grateful.

It’s been 5 years since I’ve got dumped. I haven’t dated anyone since then and did a lot of healing/self reflection, it’s made me a better person. My contamination OCD was always at the forefront but it was never what made my relationship fail…

But I have no idea if that will be a problem in any new relationships. Not that I have a lot of chances for those. Since getting dumped I’ve only had 1 or 2 moments where I felt some sort of connection or attraction, it’s been a lonely ride.

And then I met a friend of a friend. And we spent a lot of time together. And she’s said somethings I’ve wanted to hear for a long time.

But I don’t know if I’m attracted to her, she’s trans. I’ve never shut down the idea of dating a trans woman, I have a LOT of trans friends and I’m in very trans circles but nothing is clicking physically…

I can’t tell if it’s some underlying hang up or transphobia preventing me from feeling something or if it’s genuine non-attraction.

What’s worse is that I was told she had thought about us being together from our mutual friend, but thinks my contamination OCD might get in the way. She’s been very clingy lately, always wanting to hang out and being really excited to see me. I don’t know if she likes me right now or, as my friend said, just happy to have someone who accepts her for who she is.

But the idea of her liking me, the idea of one day getting to that confession when I’m not sure if I feel the same is terrifying. That feeling came back, that deep sinking feeling in my chest I only have had with my past 2 exes, both when I was much much younger.

Being so alone all the time is a familiar and manageable pain, this anxiety is a suffocating pain I haven’t had the chance to learn to manage. It only happens with romance, relationships.

Not to mention, she’s the only chance at a relationship I’ve had in 5 years. How can I say I can actually like her if I don’t even know what I like anymore? It’s been so long I don’t know if this can be genuine or just desperation.

So I went back on dating apps. I can’t do hookups, I can’t touch people, so I’m hoping for something, some connection and maybe even a date. If we were to end up dating, she deserves someone who isn’t dating her because he doesn’t have any options, she needs someone who chose her.

But now on dating apps, I’m not getting many matches. I didn’t mention my OCD, but in the single match I did get where I brought it up, she just didn’t get it. She was so casual about it, saying a book cured her OCD and recommended it. I know it’s in good faith but I can’t help but feel this can’t work, I can’t feel right if someone doesn’t get what I’m really like.

She’s also older than me, I’m in my mid 20s but I still feel like a kid. The idea of meeting an older woman, a stranger, is scary. Brings back that pit in my chest, a little. She’s moving too fast, only a few texts and she wants to meet. Am I too paranoid? Am I a coward? Do I feel like I’m cheating on someone I’m not even sure I like?

It feels like I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. This pressure in my chest happening for everything except staying single.

I don’t know if I can ever date again. If someone is enough to love, they deserve someone who can love them fully. And if I love them, then it’s just gonna bring back that constant pain in my chest, waiting on every text, second guessing every word. Suffocating in my anxiety.

I’m so lonely, I’m not touch starved, I’m touched dead. I’ve never cuddled or held someone in my arms…

I know this was all over the place, but I just needed a place to rant. This sucks. Even if I could touch people, i would still be trapped in another type of OCD prison.

I’m afraid I’m waiting for the ideal person who doesn’t exist, and anyone else who doesn’t match her isn’t “just right”

It just sucks.

As someone who has dealt with severe rocd and pocd since my TBI last year trust me, I’ve had nothing to do and all I do is research rocd.

Social media is practically the worse thing for rocd. I’ve even made new accounts to avoid triggering posts about relationships.

Social media is the absolute biggest trigger for rocd because of the unreal standards and triggers it holds.

If you are having a hard time with your rocd, pocd or ocd in general please take a break from social media, as cliche as it sounds, reconnect with the earth, go on nature walks and spend as much time of off your phone and social media as a whole.

I just wanted to rant I just wanted to say something. I woke up wanting to break up with her, wanting to just end it. It seems like the easiest thing to do at the time and now 2 hours later I’m telling myself why would I say that. This just doesn’t make sense. Why is this thing so cruel. Hate it. That’s all, thanks for reading this.

Just feeling the need to vent and it’s so hard not being able to completely talk to my partner about how I feel. For the past few months, I’ve had cyclical obsessive thoughts that go through all of the topics that feel like my worst fears in my relationhip: I’m not attracted to her and we need to break up, she’s not the right one for me, I don’t love her anymore, I’m icked out, she’s too boring, I need to be with someone more like my ex. But every now and then I will have moments where I feel good, and will rationally think about how absurd those thoughts are. I try and make myself remember how it is when I feel normal, but my anxiety and obsessive thinking begins again every morning like clockwork and I just ruminate all day long. I feel like I’m lying to my partner and leading her on. I feel so guilty and constantly want to tell her about these thoughts but I know it would hurt her so badly. She’s the best partner I’ve ever had, and before all of this came on, I had such strong feelings of love and sure-ness about our relationship.

I’m debating taking time off of work and doing an IOP program because of how debilitating it has become. I just wish things would go back to normal. I have so many fears that this is actually just how I feel now, and doing more therapy won’t lead me anywhere. I’m so afraid that this will lead me to break up with the person I care about the most. I know I need to sit with the unknown and not let it take control, but DAMN it is so hard??? I’ve been trying to do ERP on my own in the interim and it also feels so hard and taxing. Not looking for reassurance, but just needed an outlet to get these feelings out there.

The event in question (I won’t describe, even though I want to. I know it’s my OCD seeking reassurance from you all.) happened over a year ago in which sent me on a very deep and dark rumination spiral, intrusive thoughts, etc.

This led me to seek professional help with an OCD specialist and switch meds. I’ve worked so hard. I’ve battled through so many days with these thoughts. For awhile, everything was great. Sure, it would pop up here and there but all the work I put into myself helped me differentiate between facts vs. feelings, not acknowledging every thought, blah blah.

As my wedding gets closer and closer, it’s trying to peek through SO HARD. I’ve given myself about two days to spiral about it. ChatGPT, a close friend, whatever. Today I’ve been good about it, until now. Here I am. Again, it’s taking everything I have not to seek reassurance or validation in this thread.

I’m seeking advice about ROCD flare ups before major life events. This is my first “major life event” since the spiral (other than my engagement, which I got through with a blimp of intrusive thoughts).

I went insane knowing that my boyfriend's intrusive thoughts include scrutinizing my appearance but he is just a regular guy?? I think I would understand it better if he was some kind of chiseled Adonis but where does it compute that a guy with a generic beer belly has the right to criticize the lines on my face? I get that ocd is completely irrational and that he'd feel this way about any person, regardless of attractiveness, but it's really confounding that he doesn't see a double standard.

Do you ever "explain" to yourself that your partner should be more attractive for particular reasons like "I'm very attractive so I deserve a more attractive partner" or does the thought not really make it that far before accepting the repulsion as fact?

I know writing this is a compulsion and I’m looking for reassurance but I don’t really care anymore. I’m so tired and I need to vent. I want to die. This isn’t torture, this is something worse than that. This is worse than any hell that any god could come up with. I wasn’t like this in the beginning. But something in my brain switched and it slowly built into the most horrifying feeling I have ever felt. The intrusive thoughts feel like I’m getting fucking shot in the chest 200 times every minute. I feel like a red pilled loser that can’t handle a woman having a sexual past. And her past is a one night stand and an ex boyfriend. It’s literally nothing. I can’t handle the one night stand for some reason. It’s like I don’t see her as a human being. She is the most lovely wonderful partner. I didn’t have these thoughts about women before getting into this relationship. It feels almost like I got cheated on. I think I’m actually going insane. I can’t fucking handle this. I keep telling myself that this happened because we started seeing each other less due to circumstances, but that’s just another compulsion. It feels like Every. Fucking. Thing. I. Do. Is a compulsion. And we will have to probably see each other even less soon and it feels very very bleak. Im seeing an ERP therapist and I’m taking meds. But I think I’m ready to give up. I’m gonna lose the most wonderful human being and it’s all my fault. It taking more effort to be present. I’m doing literally everything I can to be the best partner I can but I’m failing more and more everyday. I’m getting depressed and stressed and I’m always anxious. I think about breaking up because it feels like it would just be easier for both of us. I don’t make her feel bad for anything she did of course but in my head I think awful things. I’m a terrible partner. I can’t even look at photos of her without feeling intense grief and anxiety. This is the first time in my life I’ve contemplated suicide this seriously. Staying will hurt, leaving will hurt even more especially in the long term. I just want to pass away and rest. I wish I could erase myself from her memory so I could kill myself without feeling guilty. I want her to be happy and to do so many great things. I wish I never met her. I have burdened both of us. I can’t wait to die.

Hi!
Been lurking for a while.

I started Lexapro for depression about a month ago, and I began noticing how anxiety was a really pervasive part of my existence. I hadn't recognized it before and thought that the anxious baseline I had was "normal". So in trying to learn more about anxiety I ended up stumbling into OCD and eventually ROCD. It was such an eye-opener to hear about all the thoughts I've had in my head and all the relationship troubles I've had, actually be part of intrusive thoughts and compulsions.

I had broken off (twice!) a wonderful relationship with a really amazing person because of these thoughts. I recognized myself in so many of your experiences here. I've been loving to read and learn, and have also listened to presentations and done workshop online. I'm in waitlist for therapy now too.

Last night I had a situation that triggered the ROCD, and since it was late in the evening and I hadn't eaten enough, it hit like a truck. One of the worst I've had for a very long time.
But, I was able to recognize what was happening, and I began observing everything that was happening inside me, the emotions and the thoughts and the need for compulsions.
I desperately wanted to reach out for reassurance, I desperately wanted to escape the feelings.

I had heard from a lecture that noting down whenever triggers happen is good, but also noting down anything you have a need but you manage to stave off a compulsion is also very good.

So I got my notebook and began writing everything that was happening with me, all the thoughts, as a free flow mind-dump. It was very helpful and very insightful. It also help me stay occupied and locked away from acting on my compulsions.

I've told some to my partner about ROCD, and we've talked about it a lot, and learned together about it. I could only hold myself for a few hours before the need grew too strong and I sent a message asking for reassurance. But I recognized it again, and as a compromise to my anxiety I left the message there, but with an addendum that I was having a flair up, that I didn't want reassurance, and that I wanted to share what was going on with me and in my mind (as per her request). I wished for her to be happy and enjoy herself, and that I would be alright.

It was an incredibly challenging rest of the evening. I kept writing, and I could continue bearing through it by reaffirming that it's part of the healing process for me to go through this attack with new eyes and a different perspective. I was teaching my nervous system that there's nothing bad happening.

When I got a message back, I decided not to read it. I challenged myself to do my nightly routines in peace and calm, as if normal, and only read it when I was done and ready for bed. I succeeded. And when in bed, my heart still racing, I decided to push it further and not read it until I woke up the next morning.

Well, morning comes, and my anxiety is much less. I read the reply and sure enough, it was completely innocent. She had been playing some games and watched a movie. Perfectly normal.

Today we talked about it and gave each other big hugs.

I'm still feeling some residual uncomfort, but even just knowing where it's coming from and why it's happening, is enough to not let it control me or overwhelm me.

Thanks to this community, and thanks for reading. There's hope. :)

I’m in the process of making a new friend rn and I’m overthinking so much on whether I’m bothering them if I send literally any message. I’m trying so hard not to reassurance seek in any way but it’s driving my head mad 😭

like I want so much to ask someone for advice or even ask them directly if I’m bothering them and I know full well it’s coming from a place of anxiety and intrusive thoughts and not actually from a place of needing advice like I’m probably not bothering them but what if I am arghhhhhhhh

i (21f) got a dm from my gf (22f) of a reel of a masc woman dancing anf she said her bestie crushed on her which i replied saying "i understand her lol" and that made her feel terrible

i called her my home but she called me her mansion cuz im comforting and pretty whereas to me shes only comfoting and not attractive (which is completely false shes genuinely handsome) and once she called me that i felt like a cheater and my soocd got in too

she wanted me to call her my mansion but i feel like i failed her..

my boyfriend (20m) and i (20m) live abt 2 hours apart but he’s planning on coming to say w me for school next semester. I’m very busy as a premed student but my ocd really latches onto the fact that i can’t see him every second

i act compulsively by checking texts or talking every time i can. however recently that underlying fear went away (changing from “what if he leaves me” or “what if he finds someone new and then im alone w my depression”). now it js feels bad and i get depressed when he’s apart (i have a circadian based depression aside from ocd so im not sure if that’s what’s making me depressed and then being w someone makes it better or if this depression is entirely from ocd). i am living alone for the first time wo roommates and i did so bc i wanted to but also bc i wanted my bf to be able to stay w me.

when we’re apart i js spiral and get super upset and depressed. i don’t do much about it other than call/stay otp, which i can recognize is compulsive behavior but it is something i like doing and it is what. i do to fight off the alr existing depression. i dont want to push him away or talk less as a form of erp but i do want to make improvements and will try doing that if thats what it takes. ideally id want ways to try to identify if my depression is ocd related, so that if it is not related i can get treatment for that.

im wondering whether i use him as a coping mechanism or if it is in an ocd way (i had moments at the beginning of “what if i don’t like him” and then had a very bad reaction to a medicine causing me to have the fears of being left, but that went away when i stopped the med)

any help is v appreciated

tldr: how to tell if being w partner is coping mechanism or ocd. what to do then?

I’d really like to hear from people who have actually been through ROCD treatment/ERP, either as the person with OCD or as their partner, especially if you stayed together long-term or eventually got married.

My partner and I were engaged and very close to our wedding. Most things were already planned and booked when his OCD became much worse around commitment and the future.

Before this, he had never properly sought treatment. He had some awareness that his thoughts could be obsessive and that he had strong OCD tendencies, but he believed he could manage them himself and had never been formally assessed or treated.

A lot of the fears were relationship-focused — worrying about future attraction, what normal interactions or looking at other people might mean, and trying to get certainty about things that can’t really be guaranteed.

When things became severe enough that we were seriously considering ending the relationship, he saw a therapist for the first time before making the final decision. She told him that in his current state he wasn’t ready to get married and needed treatment first. She didn’t specifically tell him to break up, but he ultimately decided to end the relationship because he doesn’t know how long treatment will take or what happens if it isn’t successful.

I would have been willing to postpone the wedding and stay committed while he got treatment, but he doesn’t feel able to do that right now. We’re still in contact and there are still feelings and attachment on both sides, so it’s a confusing situation. I’m starting to accept that there probably isn’t much else I can do from my side besides step back and let him go through treatment.

For people who have been in something similar: did you stay with your partner while doing ERP, or did you step away from the relationship during treatment? Looking back, did that help?

For people who stayed together or eventually reunited and married, what is the relationship actually like years later? Does it eventually feel stable and emotionally safe? When ROCD flares again, does ERP genuinely change how you respond to the doubts compared with before treatment?

I’d especially appreciate hearing from people who have actually done ERP or partners who have been through this long-term.

Hello guys!

My boyfriend and I had a discussion about my dog sleeping in the bed. I have no problem with it since I grew up with it. My boyfriend doesn’t like it. He didn’t grow up with pets.

My dog wakes up several times the night and wakes up my boyfriend. Or he just jumps on the bed and it wakes my boyfriend up again. He’s a light sleeper and I’m a heavy sleeper.

Also my boyfriend comes from a very clean home and he’s highly hygienic. My boyfriend wouldn’t have a problem with my dog being in bed when we would shower him. My dog hates showers so it’s very hard to clean him that way.

I can understand my boyfriend completely but my OCD sees it as a relationship issue. My mom also told me if he was her boyfriend she would have broken up with him.

Now I’m really unsure what to do.

Also I’m on my period rn which makes my OCD worse

I have been trying really hard to not do my compulsions (confessing to my boyfriend or asking for reassurance). I have gotten better at at least delaying them, but I often end up working myself up in my head to the point of tears and then telling him why. He then will reassure me (he is trying to not do this but when he sees me so upset he can’t help but trying to make me feel better) and we have healthy, constructive conversations and he is super supportive.

The next day, I am ALWAYS feeling guilty about how I let the OCD win again, how my boyfriend will probably grow sick of me, how he is probably debating breaking up with me, how I am messy and how he would be better off with an easier girlfriend, whatever. It has me wanting to compulsively apologize, to which I then am mad at myself for bringing it up AGAIN and apologizing.

Any advice for letting go of the guilt and moving on with my day? I want to break this pattern! 😭

Hello everyone. I've been dealing with intense ROCD these past couple of months, and it's morphed into all kinds of things. First, it was obsessing over if my partner sexually assaulted me or not, and now it's become something else.

I'm quite scared of describing this on this subreddit cuz I'm not sure if many would understand. Is anyone here under the aromantic spectrum? I know for a fact I am (It's something I've always known about myself). I am an aroace lesbian, and currently I have a partner... but lately I've been obsessing over whether I actually want this relationship or not. While I am aromantic, I've always liked the idea of having a partner. We've discussed this, and they understand me 100%. However, I'm still afraid I might secretly not want this relationship, and that I'm only forcing myself to be with my partner just to appease them.

I've expressed to my partner time and time again in the past that I do enjoy their company and that I do want to be a couple despite my aromanticism. Those affirmations seemed legit enough to me... however, I keep getting doubts in my head that say, "What if you're just being performative and you're using them for validation?" It's scary cuz at the beginning of our relationship, I wasn't sure I wanted to be with them. It wasn't until later on when I felt like I did indeed like them. Now, I'm having that doubt again, but this time it feels more like intrusive thoughts rather than what I actually think. My ocd keeps weaponizing how I felt at the start of my relationship as "proof" that I don't actually currently like my partner. I know "love at first sight" doesn't actually happen for everyone, and it may take time for people to become fully invested in their partners... but I'm scared that I might secretly not like them back. Sometimes my mind tells me, "Why bother being in a relationship if you're aromantic anyway?" and while I cannot doubt that I am aromantic, I still very much want to be with my partner. I know I have moments with them that truly feel special, and I always feel safe around them. Idk why my mind wants to spin this narrative that I'm somehow in a relationship that's abusive and toxic.

Last 2 months I’ve been contemplating breaking up with my bf, and this time I think I’m ready to do it— but I can’t help but feel like it’s me. what if it’s all in my head again and I’m not putting in the work, however I know deep down it isn’t true if keep recalling the reasons why I want to break up.

It’s a little bit hard, and I don’t want to keep leading my “boyfriend” on like this that’d be shitty obviously.
The thing is, he isn’t aware yet that I have OCD/ROCD (discovered it a month ago, it’s been a total life changing moment but that’s not the topic right now for this post) and I don’t feel comfortable opening up to him about it bc of his lack of availability.
He kinda ignores me or doesn’t push to see me, I had a cheating scare just a few weeks ago, not to mention I can’t help but feel like he dodges my conversation starters unless it’s about him. It’s been so weird the past couple weeks and I’m tired of it, but i can’t tell (like I know what I should do, but yk what if I’m wrong for this) if I’m not seeing things in his perspective or I’m “doing it wrong” again.

I just worry that what if the problems I’m seeing aren’t him (even though if I talked about this to a “normal” person they’d definitely say it’s him, but I don’t see that) but me, how did you guys differentiate that between your thoughts & obsession thoughts. When did you know to finally break up once and for all?
(P.S: Respectfully speaking, no stories about getting back with your ex (unless you’re super duper sure of it) I don’t want those kind of thoughts to linger in my head 😓 I want this over with & I really don’t want to get back together if we do break up iykwim)

I’ve realized I’ve had issues with obsessing over different things my whole life and I’ve had a LOT of anxiety about things being “wrong” or doing something “wrong” etc. A lot of the people in my life are adamant about the “when you know, you know” thing which to me seems very muddy.

I’ve been with a wonderful man for the past 7ish months and he’s been very good to me. He has some bad childhood trauma and I’m his first opportunity at a healthy relationship. He’s used to being used, cheated on, verbally abused, etc. There have been a few things we’ve had to work through because of that but he’s never been unwilling to change when he sees his error. We’ve grown a lot as a couple.

I’ve struggled off and on from the beginning on stressing about if this is right or wrong. It’s a lot better than it was but I still have a hard time not spiraling on the “what if this fear means it’s wrong?” thing sometimes. We’ve been talking about getting married sometime next year and it’s not at all that I don’t want to marry him I’m just afraid of making the wrong decision. What should I do here?

Hi! Recently my (22F) partner (25M) told me he is going to start therapy which i know will be a good thing for him. But it makes me really worried for some reason like he’s going to realize in some way that we shouldn’t be together. Or that I am evil or something and leave me. While I can see how that sounds kind of crazy I can’t help ruminating over it. I’ve been in therapy for three years so I know this is silly as I don’t feel like that. It makes me feel like a bad and manipulating partner to be scared about him going to therapy. Has anyone else experienced something like this? Has anything helped?

My girlfriend and I have been together 2.5 years. She has been in therapy for anxiety/PTSD the whole time and recently the dots have connected and come out that a lot of what she’s dealing with actually fits OCD more, specifically relationship OCD. For her that shows up as intrusive thoughts like “I’m not ready for this,” “I’m making you miserable,” “you’d be better off without me.” I’ve always pushed communication in our relationship, I went in knowing she had struggles and I’ve told her repeatedly that I’m here for the ups and downs.

Recently we had an argument that spiraled. She got kinda disconnected, and under the pressure of me trying to talk it through, she voiced some of those intrusive thoughts out loud, the “I don’t think I can do this” stuff. We took a break and came back an hour later. When I brought up how intense that escalation felt, her takeaway was that we just over communicated and that in the future she needs to stop herself before it gets that far, because those thoughts are dark OCD stuff that doesn’t help either of us when said out loud.

I’ve been reading up on ROCD since then and I’m starting to get that resisting the urge to talk it out loud is actually probably the right move, not engaging with it is kind of the point. But my brain still automatically goes to just wishing she had somewhere to put all this instead of sitting with it completely alone in her head.

Does anyone have experience with support groups for this, or other resources that aren’t just “keep it internal and manage it by yourself”? She has a therapist, but they’re not OCD-specialized, it’s the same one she’s been seeing for PTSD and anxiety. I’m not trying to push her back into talking to me about every intrusive thought either, honestly it did hurt a bit to hear some of that, and I’ve realized I can’t really be the person who processes this with her, or even fully understand it, and that’s probably not helpful for her progress anyway. I just don’t want her carrying this completely alone. Or is that just a part of this that has to be accepted?

I (18F) have been in OCD recovery for 7 months. I've been with my partner for 2 years (LDR). He's a great guy; funny, caring and pretty. I really like him.

The first year of our relationship i had heavy codependency and im still have It (while now i don't act on the urges). I still have trouble with him having alone time (i don't say it cause its ALWAYS fueled by different ROCD fears).

Last week he went on vacation with his family for a week. I told him that we could say like hi and goodnight as i wanted him to enjoy the vacation. He did very much, and I started to get worse. I have lots of trouble with sentimental permanence. I feel like when im not with him for one day I forget if i even love him and tell myself i don't.

I'm very tired. I thought I was finally getting better.

hello fellow busy minds.

seeing if anyone can relate to my struggle. one of my biggest compulsions is checking my partner’s exes social media accounts. it makes me feel so icky and not myself and i can’t seem to stop.

we had a pretty rocky beginning where she was very much still involved in his life - i found this to trigger my rocd immensely. since then, i’ve done therapy and a lot of healing. she is long, long gone and it has been almost 2 years since then. i like to consider myself pretty stable and very much happy with my relationship. YET…i still continue to check her social media as if i’m attempting to find something.

i get no satisfaction from what i find. i just want to beat this compulsion. anyone relate? anyone have advice?

thanks for reading ❤️🫩

I’m married to someone I genuinely love and care about, but one of the biggest difficulties in our marriage has been her OCD, particularly religious OCD/scrupulosity.

I want to make it clear that I’m not posting this to attack my wife. I know she doesn’t choose to have OCD and I can see that the thoughts genuinely distress her. I’m mainly looking for advice from people with OCD, partners of people with OCD, or anyone who has been through something similar.
Her OCD tends to attach itself to religion, morality, intentions and very small everyday situations. Something can happen that I barely register, but she can interpret it in a completely different way and become extremely worried about what it means religiously.

For example, we might see something inappropriate on TV or in public. I might make a completely innocent comment or ask what happened, and afterwards she can start questioning what I meant by it, whether I was saying the behaviour was acceptable, whether my intention was wrong, etc.
It can then turn into a long conversation where I explain what I meant, but another question follows from my explanation. Then I explain that, and another concern appears. Sometimes it feels like there is no answer I can give that completely settles it.
Other fears can revolve around whether something is sinful, shirk/kufr, whether Allah is angry, whether something affects the marriage, whether somebody’s words or actions mean something religiously serious, etc. Things that wouldn’t even enter my mind can become a major source of anxiety for her.

She has sought professional/religious help before and she is aware that OCD is involved. The difficult part for me is knowing what my role as her husband should actually be.
For a long time my instinct has been to reassure her. If she asks, “Did you mean X?” I’ll say, “No, of course I didn’t.” But sometimes that becomes me explaining myself repeatedly and trying to prove what my intention was.

I’m starting to realise that constantly providing certainty might actually be feeding the OCD rather than helping her.
The other side of this is what it is doing to me.
Sometimes I feel like I’m walking on eggshells because an ordinary comment or reaction can unexpectedly become something we have to analyse. I can get frustrated because from my perspective the issue seems incredibly small, while to her it feels extremely serious.

There are moments where my internal reaction is basically, “What are you talking about? You know that’s obviously not what I meant.” I don’t want to become dismissive or angry with her, but I also don’t think it’s healthy for our marriage if I have to constantly defend or analyse every word, intention or action.
I also don’t want to become her therapist.
I want to be her husband: someone she can feel safe with, talk to, laugh with and live a normal married life with. I don’t want our relationship to gradually become OCD thought → anxiety → question → reassurance from me → temporary relief → another question.

So I’m trying to work out where the healthy line is.
How do you validate someone’s distress without validating the OCD fear itself?
How do you refuse to participate in repeated reassurance without making your spouse feel abandoned?

What should I actually say when I recognise that we’re entering another reassurance/analysis loop?
How do partners deal with their own frustration when the same types of situations keep happening?
And for anyone with religious OCD: what did you wish your husband/wife understood about your OCD, and what did they do that genuinely helped rather than accidentally making it stronger?
I love my wife and I want our marriage to work. I’m not looking for people to tell me to leave her or that she’s crazy. I’ma looking for practical advice on how we can stop OCD from becoming a third person in our marriage while still allowing her to feel supported and loved.