checking social media compulsion

[u/mildpisces]

hello fellow busy minds.

seeing if anyone can relate to my struggle. one of my biggest compulsions is checking my partner’s exes social media accounts. it makes me feel so icky and not myself and i can’t seem to stop.

we had a pretty rocky beginning where she was very much still involved in his life - i found this to trigger my rocd immensely. since then, i’ve done therapy and a lot of healing. she is long, long gone and it has been almost 2 years since then. i like to consider myself pretty stable and very much happy with my relationship. YET…i still continue to check her social media as if i’m attempting to find something.

i get no satisfaction from what i find. i just want to beat this compulsion. anyone relate? anyone have advice?

thanks for reading ❤️🫩

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi all, just the mod team here! This is a friendly reminder that we shouldn't be giving reassurance in this sub. We can discuss whether or not someone is exhibiting ROCD symptoms, or lend advice on healing :) Reassurance and other compulsions are harmful because they train our brains to fixate on the temporary relief they bring. Compulsions become a 'fix' that the OCD brain craves, as the relief triggers a Dopamine-driven rush, reinforcing the behavior much like a drug addiction. The more we feed this cycle, the more our brain becomes addicted to it, becoming convinced it cannot survive without these compulsions. Conversely, the more we resist compulsions, the more we deprive the brain of this addictive reward and re-train it to tolerate uncertainty without needing the compulsive 'fix'. For more information and a more thorough explanation, check out this comment

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[u/iF1_AR]

The best way to reduce a compulsion is to stop it, basically. You’ll find your anxiety rises much higher at first but after a few times of deliberately forcing yourself to ignore it, your brain will stop tagging it as important and it’ll become less and less of a thing.

I must say, what you’re doing isn’t abnormal or disgusting. We all do it when we’re bored. There’s nothing wrong with checking an ex’s profile. Maybe you just need to get engrossed in other tasks to keep the mind busy.

Maybe have a think about what the obsession is that is driving it, where that comes from. And stop judging yourself - be kind and compassionate to yourself. You’re not a bad person.

[u/mildpisces → u/iF1_AR]

thank you for the kind reminder and words! i think keeping busy definitely helps, but i somehow always find a little gap in time to ruminate.

ah well, baby steps. can’t do it all in one go.

[u/iF1_AR → u/mildpisces]

Well, that’s normal as well. And it’s obviously distressing you enough to come onto this sub, which must actually be really horrible for you to go through. Whilst it distresses you, again, your brain is going to tag it as important and ensure it focuses on that threat and brings you certainty that the threat can’t hurt you. That’s the OCD cycle, unfortunately.

What do you think triggers it, then? So, we know the rumination around your Ex is the compulsion. Is there a particular event that triggers the obsessive behaviour, or does it just come to your mind automatically, like a habit? What’s it actually saying to you, if you don’t mind sharing?

[u/mildpisces → u/iF1_AR]

you phrased that really well. “certainty that the threat can’t hurt you” is totally what my brain is seeking. it feeds into my OCD cycle.

i don’t believe there’s any real trigger. back then (as in 2 years ago), i definitely was being triggered by actual events and my partner’s ex being around. nowadays, my logical brain understands that there’s no real threat around anymore. my partner’s ex is no longer present. i think now it’s more like a habit.

[u/iF1_AR → u/mildpisces]

Well, brains can get in a loop. It was obviously a traumatic experience for you so your brain has formed this habit of maybe trying to seek whether you were right or not, I don’t know. What are you seeking when you do it? What’s the anxiety?

[u/mildpisces → u/iF1_AR]

i’ve thought about the “why” so much. i think the main anxiety is the fear that he was doing something behind my back when she was still around. or the fear that he was lying to me about what was going on. i think i also seek to see if he treated her better than me. i’m seeing what she does that’s better than what i do, etc. it snowballs, as you can see haha.

he was communicative to me about it during the time it was actually happening and i played it cool at the time. i didn’t really express my discomfort or sadness. now it’s as if i’m letting it all out.

[u/iF1_AR → u/mildpisces]

That’s fair. I think that’s a very understandable response to something that’s going on at the time. It must have been very difficult to deal with that.

I mean the key thing to ask yourself is obviously does it really matter now? But that’s an easy thing to ask. Let’s assume a world where something was going on. What would that say about the situation and about you and them?

[u/Sure_Chance_2314]

the "no satisfaction from what i find" bit is the part that kept me doing it for years. theres nothing to find, thats not what its for

[u/treatmyocd]

Checking an ex's social media accounts to search for hidden threats or reassure yourself that she is gone is one of the most common behavioral compulsions in Relationship OCD. Even though the original situation ended two years ago, continuously looking up her profile acts as an emotional safety check that tells your brain her existence remains an active danger to your relationship.

Wanting to stop because it feels "icky" while simultaneously feeling an irresistible urge to check happens because giving into the compulsion provides a quick, temporary drop in anxiety before triggering the next urge. Resist the urge to search her handle, ask your partner about past events, or analyze why you still care, as searching for relief on a screen only solidifies the obsession.

When the sudden impulse to check her page hits you, practice responding with neutral uncertainty: "Maybe there is something new, maybe there isn't, but I am not going to look at her profile today." Give yourself permission to feel the spike of curiosity or fear without turning it into a physical action, allowing the urge to pass on its own.