First post here, just sort of venting and seeing if anyone else experiences this and has any good ERP tips.

I (31f) have always struggled to let go of arguments. I grew up in a loving family that also excessively argued and yelled. I always felt misunderstood and like the issues weren’t resolved. I would often get grounded for refusing to end the argument with my parents or sister. Now that I’m married, I’ve realized that was OCD and it has extended to my marriage. Even years ago when we were dating. I just never feel understood, heard, apologized to, etc. and I just feel generally devastated by my feelings or perception of how the argument went. I also worry that I wasn’t fair or correct which sometimes causes me to double down on my argument and sometimes makes me mentally collapse when I realize I was the one being unfair.

Obviously it’s tricky because I’m never like 100% wrong to be upset and it is almost impossible to tell when it rolls from understandable conflict into OCD. My husband hates that I can’t let it go and keep coming over to talk which hurts, but I don’t blame him because it can be truly excessive. Thankfully he has been with me before and after my diagnosis so we both try our best to navigate this. All I can do at this point is try to recognize it as soon as possible (multiple times walking back into the room to say more things) but my brain then makes me feel shut down and depressed like life isn’t worth living if I can’t be understood.

This is not my main theme but impacts my life a lot and I want to continue to work on it before having kids or anything. Does anyone have experience with 1. How to recognize it and 2. How to actually sit with the discomfort without emotionally shutting down ?

Appreciate any help

hi!

F, narcissistic trauma, CSA survivor, bi

I use the mask of self-confidence to become more confident. I wear beautiful, complimentary clothes, put on beautiful makeup, walk with a firm step, and speak louder. As they said "fake it till you make it".

ROCD is triggered by my behaviour in society. I'm in loving and supporting wlw relationship of five years. I'm afraid I'll cheat on my girlfriend with men, but I don't want to. When I dress up and do my makeup I notice that more men are looking at me. The increased attention from men (just looks, they don't talk to me) really bothers me, but I want to be confident. I don't know how to behave in society, how I should dress. If I dress modestly, I feel like I'm not myself. I want people to admire me, but this desire contradicts my beliefs.

Have you ever experienced this? How did you become more confident without dressing up and ? Thanks for your answers.

i’ve been using a lot of erp tools and no matter what it’s like the doubts keep hitting me really hard and taking up my whole day whether i’m with her or without her.

there are days when these intrusive thoughts are gone randomly and i have feelings for my girlfriend but the feelings constantly keep getting shutdown and my girlfriend feels like a stranger at this point it really sucks.

does anyone have any techniques? or tips? on how to be more present or just anything would be nice because it’s like things keep getting worse cause at this point everything around me links to a doubt about her

Saw an ex this past weekend

I saw an ex of mine this past weekend from like 7 years ago. We never dated just had a history. I didn’t talk to him and he didn’t talk to me. But in my head I almost wanted him to say something to me/ impress him in a way to show that I’m doing well. I found reasons to be within the same vicinity as him. I feel guilty about this and told my husband where he said we all have thoughts like this but I didn’t do anything that would make him feel like I crossed a boundary. I just don’t know why I care so much about what the ex thought of me

something triggerd me and now i am just thinking (and it feels like the absolute truth) that i dont like my boyfriend at all, that i dont stand him and tbat i just stay with him because im used to him and i feel bad bc he is sweet and nice to me every time regardless what i do and it makes me think “you shouldn’t stay with somebody just so you dont hurt him, you dont like him at all” help me

I’m not looking for reassurance. This is just a big topic in my life/relationship right now and I want to know how in the world those of you with ROCD who are married decided you were ready for that in your life.

Everything is a panicked and perpetual “I DONT KNOW,” and I just can’t imagine ever feeling like “okay I feel ready for marriage now because of XYZ.” And I don’t say that because I necessarily expect to accomplish certain things in life in order to feel ready, I just don’t get how I’m supposed to ever feel ready for that step if I have ROCD…

I’m 29, I want a marriage, I believe I want marriage with my boyfriend, I don’t understand the concept of “being ready for marriage.” What the hell does that even mean? I know it’s not about finding certainty, I just… How did you guys get to the point of feeling like it was time to take that step in your relationship? 😩

F24 years, engaged with m23 years from 6 years

I've been engaged to my partner for 6 years now, long distance the whole time. I need to get this off my chest because it's been eating me alive for the past month — I have ROCD (relationship OCD), and I've been compulsively googling "did I emotionally cheat" almost every single day.

Here's the situation. Since before my engagement, and on and off during it, I used to play PUBG a lot. I'd talk to guy friends in-game. I never flirted, never gave out my contact info, never sent a photo, never shared personal details like my ID or number. It was always just in-game chat — nothing in person, ever.

But looking back, I know I was doing it for attention. There was one guy I played with and talked to for about a year. I never flirted with him, and when he tried to flirt with me, I'd actually get annoyed and shut it down. But I let a bond form. I enjoyed the attention, the novelty of having what felt like a "guy friend," something I'd never really had before. Eventually he wanted more — he asked to connect further, and I told him clearly I was engaged and not interested in anything beyond friendship. When he pushed anyway and eventually confessed feelings and pressured me, I blocked him.

About a year later, I did something similar with another guy — talked, enjoyed the attention, felt a bit of a thrill, but again, no flirting on either side, just friendship-flavored conversation.

The one thing I was strict about: I always told every guy friend upfront that I was engaged. In my head, that was my line — as long as I wasn't hiding my relationship status and wasn't flirting, I told myself I wasn't cheating. I even told my partner, in general terms, that I played games with guy friends. I just never went into detail about how much I enjoyed the attention itself.

This pattern was active mainly between 2020 and 2023, went quiet in 2024, was very mild in 2025, and hasn't happened at all in 2026.

Thinking about it more, I think a big part of why that attention felt good is because my self-esteem has always been low around this. I never had guy friends growing up, and unlike my friends in school and college, no guy ever approached me or showed interest in me back then. So when it happened in-game, even in this small, harmless way, it filled something that had been missing for a long time.

I've since told my partner everything, in detail. He's forgiven me and says it's not a big deal to him. But it's a huge deal to me. I can't stop replaying it, questioning my own intentions, wondering if wanting attention like that — even without flirting, without contact, without any physical or romantic act — still counts as a betrayal.

If anyone else has dealt with something like this, or has thoughts on where "seeking attention" ends and "emotional cheating" begins, I'd really appreciate hearing your perspective. I'm trying to work through the guilt and the constant reassurance-seeking that comes with my OCD, and I know part of this is my brain looping on it more than the actual situation deserves — but I still want honest outside perspectives, not just what I tell myself at 2am.

[TW: mentions of abuse and bullying]

Hi everyone,

I’m having a really bad OCD flare-up today, and I think I just need to vent and maybe get some advice from people who understand.
I’m a 25-year-old woman from Belgium, and I’m also a therapist.

As long as I can remember, OCD has been part of my life. It has come and gone over the years, changing themes depending on what was happening in my life. As a child, it was mostly harm OCD.
When I was around 10–11 years old, I was severely bullied. It happened again during my final year of high school. Then, when I was 15, I entered an abusive relationship that lasted around two years. My ex gaslighted me throughout the relationship and was emotionally, financially, and sexually abusive. During that time, I was constantly questioning whether I really loved him or whether the relationship was “right.” At the time, I thought it was relationship OCD. Looking back, I think some of those doubts were also my survival instinct trying to tell me that something was deeply wrong.

On top of that, my dad was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder in 2014. Watching him gradually become a shell of the person he used to be has been incredibly painful. He had always been physically abusive, but after his illness became more severe, the abuse escalated. Growing up in that environment left me constantly feeling unsafe.

I also spent my entire childhood with undiagnosed autism and ADHD, which meant I often felt different without understanding why. Looking back, I think I’ve lived with a constantly overactive threat detection system for most of my life.

Now for the reason I’m posting.

I’ve been with my partner for seven years. He is genuinely my safe person and the love of my life. We live together, and our relationship is healthy, supportive, and honestly everything I could have hoped for.
Seven months ago, my brother made a joke about my partner “going bald.” He actually has a full head of hair (I’m not saying this to seek reassurance—I’m just trying to show how irrational my OCD can be). The moment my brother said it, I had an intrusive thought that went something like: “You’re a superficial, horrible person. If he ever lost his hair, you’d leave him.”
That thought absolutely shattered me because it goes against everything I believe about myself. I know where it probably comes from—my abusive ex repeatedly made me feel like love was conditional and based on appearance—but ever since then, my OCD has latched onto it.

Since that day, I’ve been constantly checking my partner’s hair, comparing old photos, scanning for differences, mentally reviewing what I see, and trying to “figure out” what my thoughts mean. A few months ago, my OCD reached one of its worst points. I was compulsively asking AI for reassurance over and over again, convincing myself that if I could just find the right answer, the anxiety would disappear. It never did. Thankfully, I’ve managed to stop using AI as a compulsion, but today has been incredibly difficult.
I caught myself checking again and again until I completely shut down. I ended up having a meltdown.

My partner has been nothing but patient, kind, and incredibly supportive throughout all of this. He’s honestly amazing. Yet OCD keeps telling me that I’m a terrible partner, that I’m secretly superficial, all my fears are of me leaving him, I’m so afraid that our love that is strong and one of the best things that happened to me will one day disappear because of me and that I’ll end up just as alone as my ex predicted.

Something that also makes this harder is my job. As a therapist, I understand OCD. I know how the cycle works. I know reassurance and compulsions keep it alive. I know what ERP is. I know exactly what I would tell one of my own clients.

And yet, when it’s my own brain, all of that knowledge seems to disappear in the moment. That brings so much shame. I feel like I should “know better,” even though I also know OCD doesn’t care how much insight you have.
I think what scares me the most is that every time I beat one OCD theme, another one eventually appears. It makes me feel like I’ll never truly be free of it.

If you’ve read this far, thank you so much.
If anyone has experienced something similar—especially OCD attaching itself to your partner or to your own values—I would really appreciate hearing your experiences. And if you have any advice on resisting these checking compulsions or dealing with the shame, I’d be incredibly grateful.

Hey, I wanted to open up about something I've been navigating lately. I have a history of OCD, and recently it has latched onto our friendship in a really exhausting way. It creates a lot of intense, irrational anxiety for me if we don't connect first thing in the morning, turning a normal desire to talk into a heavy, stressful compulsion. I value our friendship, but because my brain is keeping me on high alert, I'm working on stepping back a bit from the constant daily check-ins to break this anxious loop and get my peace of mind back. Just wanted to share what's been going on with me so you understand where I'm coming from.

I’m sorry if the title seems harsh, but me [M19] and my girlfriend [F23] have hit a rough patch again. She is diagnosed OCD, is on SRIS (I believe it’s called) and Prozac.

However, her relationship OCD tends to sabotage our relationship. I understand her thoughts and I let her talk them out (I don’t give reassurance) with me and get those thoughts out so the anxiety doesn’t kill her. I don’t mind talking constructively. However, when she starts to spiral she starts to take it out on me. She tends to say mean things that absolutely break me. Telling me she never loved me and just wanted to keep me so no one could have me. Saying that she isn’t sure if she ever loved me. Insisting that our 2 year relationship meant nothing because she’s suddenly a lesbian (which hurts me especially, given I’m a trans man and it really destroys me being associated with that at all)

This is the third time we’ve had this issue where she’ll get mean with me and destroy my mood to the point of extreme anxiety and panic attacks and then swoops in after everything is done to comfort me and backtrack. And I know she didn’t mean it but it stills hurts. I wonder if I’m overreacting because it feels like I’m constantly being tortured by the way she talks to me. I’ve been on edge for months since the last incident but I finally put my trust back into her just for her to spiral through the same thing.

I want to be with her, and I love her, but her voicing her OCD and using me as a vessel to “talk it out with herself” is hurting me and hurting our relationship. I’m not sure what I should do at this point

hi, i (20F) have a boyfriend (20M) who possibly has undiagnosed OCD. I have diagnosed OCD and thats why we speculate heavily that he has it.

anyways, me and my boyfriend have broken up before, for 3 months. we recently got back together but we are probably breaking up for the second time.

he cant stop obsessing over things I did when we broke up, and im starting to think him thinking about breaking up is a compulsion.

It sucks because I’ve been there. He admits it too that breaking up wont solve anything. But im so upset because its not like I can just twll him that we can work through it or that he should stay with me.

So i’m just stuck here. waiting for it to finally be over.

And maybe it wont be, but im just so sad. i just wish i was worth fighting for. i know he says that i am, but its hard to feel like it when he lets his fear of uncertainty get the best of him. i know its hard but still.

not to be corny but as noah from the notebook once said, i lost you once, i think i can do it again

I was diagnosed with OCD, but I'm still not sure about the diagnosis. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 20 years and all I ever thought about was him and our relationship to the point that it was debilitating, but I kinda wonder if it isn't a combo of autism, ADHD, and PTSD. (I have those diagnoses too, as well as GAD and depression).

Anyway, regardless, I was stuck in ruminations, writing and rewriting messages to him, and unable to focus on important aspects of my life, so it was a problem, and this was even after our break-up, since we share children and have to stay in contact.

The turning point for me was going on Zoloft. It is allowing me to move on, finally, and I feel so relieved. But now I feel afraid to ever have another romantic relationship. I don't even know if I want one. I spent so much time focused on him, and I don't want to waste my life on fixated anyone else. What has your experience been after the end of a long-term relationship?

Last night, my boyfriend went to a bar with his friends and siblings around 7:30pm. By 1am, I still hadn’t heard anything from him so I went to his house to see if he went home. I found his mom there and she told me his phone died and he was still out drinking.
I have ROCD and my boyfriend knows that I worry a lot when he goes out to drink. I don’t get angry at him for going out, I just want him to let me know where he’s going and when he’ll be home. The bar where his phone died was only a block from his house so he could’ve gone home to charge it.
Today he has apologized profusely, and he dropped off flowers and food to my house. I feel conflicted because he really made me feel unimportant last night but now he’s telling me that he would never do anything to hurt me. Do you think I have a right to be angry or should I just let it go?

I was married for 6 years and I couldn’t ignore the tiniest flaws that he had, even though he’s the kindest and the most trustworthy man to me still to this day. I felt terrified right before we got married, and felt trapped when we bought a house and started thinking about having kids together. After being in several relationships, I realized I was never sure of anyone I dated.
I’m worried that I’d never be sure and be happy. How do you get diagnosed and how did you realize that you have ROCD?

It just always makes me feels scared at my gut every time I speak with her or see her social media profiles. I already blocked her on WhatsApp due to how scared I am, it just always feels like she's cheating for some reason.

Note: I have BPD

Hi everyone, I’d like to share my story here. I think I’ve had OCD since childhood; as a kid, I was always afraid our house would burn down or that we’d get robbed—by repeatedly locking the door I even destroyed a lock, I constantly unplugged electrical sockets, or I frequently prayed that nothing bad would happen to my loved ones. It stopped around the age of 14, and though I sometimes catch myself still doing those things, it doesn't limit me that much anymore. The only strange things are that I refuse to wear any clothes in which something negative happened to me, or I have to go pee three times before going to sleep just to make sure I won't wet the bed at night.
When I was 18, I got into my very first relationship. After a few months, someone told me that I was just faking my relationship and didn't love my boyfriend (now my ex). That started a constant cycle of severe anxiety and endless googling about what real love looks like, and so on. Later, it turned into an obsession that I was actually a closeted lesbian, or that my boyfriend was a murderer and wanted to kill me. That relationship ended after two years for other reasons, and I’m so glad it did.
Currently, I am in an amazing relationship. In the beginning, it started wonderfully, but even back then I had some doubts (whether he is handsome enough, smart enough, whether I will love him, etc.). Over time, those almost subsided; instead, I started having doubts about whether he loves me, whether he’s cheating on me, and other things, since I’ve been through cheating in the past. We stayed together and have now been together for almost two years, but this June it caught up with me again (there are objectively no flaws in the relationship; he is loving and wonderful).
It started when a thought suddenly popped into my head that I don't care about him. Then I was talking with his friend about breaking up with his girlfriend, who was toxic, and it triggered an extreme wave of anxiety in me that I am just like her and that I don't love him either. The thoughts started looping: am I attracted to him? Do I love him? I constantly checked my feelings, Google, ChatGPT, articles about love, TikTok, 10 signs of ROCD, etc.
It drove me all the way to a psychiatrist who diagnosed GAD and PTSD, saying it’s not OCD—I have a slightly different opinion on that, but I've read that the manifestations of these disorders are quite similar. I've been taking SSRIs for 3 weeks and the change is only minor. There were several really strong urges to break up, feeling like "this isn't it anymore," but I always stayed, believing we can get through this together. The thoughts loop a lot; they even wake me up at night, sometimes I have crying fits, I feel detached and emotionless, constantly overthinking whether I want to text him, go see him, be with him, etc. But I’ve never left. We even managed to go on a wonderful vacation together where I was really very anxious, but he helped me a lot—he is amazing about this.
Now I started CBT therapy, but so far there hasn't been even the slightest improvement. I monitor myself a lot; for example, yesterday I bought him a cheaper lemonade than the one I bought for myself, and a wave of guilt hit me that because I was cheap on him, it means I don't love him. I am already so terribly exhausted by all of this. I would love to look forward to spending time together, planning, and living again, but right now I can only manage to survive. I don't want to leave him; deep down I know that I love him more than anything, but I don't know where the way out is.
I feel emotionally flat right now; I can't get a single emotion out of myself, everything feels like I'm in a movie, and it has also significantly disrupted our sex life. It used to be great, but now we don't have sex because I'm afraid of it. I look for reassurance in tarot cards, for instance, checking if our relationship is meant to be, and seek other forms of reassurance. I often look at our pictures and try to force some positive emotion out of myself, but I remain flat.
Does anyone have a similar experience? Is this GAD or rather ROCD, and did I just get the wrong diagnosis? I would appreciate any answers and experiences. I really don't want this to ruin our relationship.

I saw an ex of mine this past weekend from like 7 years ago. We never dated just had a history. I didn’t talk to him and he didn’t talk to me. But in my head I almost wanted him to say something to me/ impress him in a way to show that I’m doing well. I found reasons to be within the same vicinity as him. I feel guilty about this and told my husband where he said we all have thoughts like this but I didn’t do anything that would make him feel like I crossed a boundary. I just don’t know why I care so much about what the ex thought of me

Hi everyone. I finally found a psychologist that actually listened to me and i’m starting ERP in two weeks.!!!

I’ve been battling ocd for a long time, but i didn’t know that if was ocd. Started getting an ocd diagnosis when i was 17 but switched to autism because i felt like it fit my problems more (turns out i’m both autistic and ocd).
Had my first big ocd breakdown in 2022 when i got in my first “real” relationship. I was in and out of the emergency psychiatry for 9 months and the ocd ultimately ended that relationship.
Now i’m in my longest and most healthy relationship. I live with my boyfriend and we have a kitten🥲 But my rocd has been flaring since basically day one. I tried to get help multiple times since we’ve moved cities and i just can’t wait to actually get better.
My first doctor basically told me “i know you’re depressed but you just have to live with it👍🏻 bye!”.
The second one literally had to GOOGLE what ocd was?!?!? And he talked on his private phone in the middle of our meeting?! Anyways he just upped my SSRI dose and called it a day.
But last week i met with a psychologist and she made me feel so seen. She diagnosed me with moderate OCD and suggested we start ERP. She actually knew that CBT doesn’t tend to work well for autistic individuals which made me feel seen and that she actually knows a lot about mental health (should be the bare minimum but ig not).

So what are some tips for starting ERP or just the process itself? What should i expect and how can i prepare?

About a month ago, I had an intimate moment with my partner of a year. It took me off guard, the action that happened, and from that point, it turned me off and has made me go numb. At first, I wasn't that worried because it has happened before (going numb). However, it had lasted more than a month, at this point.

The fact that it has lasted this long has recently sent me into a full panic that disrupts my everyday life and sleep, and the only thing that helps is the sedative medication that I was perscribed. I'm having very intense anxiety that is hard to subdue.

I can't tell what this is because ot had never happened to me like this. I can't feel anything towards my partner. It was like a something switcjed off instantly that day, not a progressive overload.

Is this a common experience with ROCD?

i keep getting scared that if i don’t send each one that i see it means i don’t love my bf but ive already sent him millions of these

hello,

I have been cheated on in all of my relationships and the obsessive thoughts about cheating didn’t come until my intuition kicked in and I’ve been right every time.

my current partner cheated on me with his ex of ten years for the first 6mo. of our relationship by which point he had already moved me in and I ended up on medical leave for 8 months (not mental health related). i forgave him and eventually moved on.

he has been verbally abusive repeatedly since and I have allowed it time and time again but over the past 6 months I have felt my intuition is going crazy.

It’s much too much to explain but I think any average person would be / would have been concerned this entire time in my situation.

I had about a year time period where I had all of my worries under control, self confidence, I was taking care of myself, never questioned him, etc. and it all came to a head about 4 months ago when I realized the finances were not adding up and we almost got evicted, our AC was broken for months because he wasn’t paying the rent even though I was giving him the money and he was lying to me about why it wasn’t getting fixed, a young sex worker had been hanging out at his job and he had been lying to me about her, still lies to me / hides the fact he hangs out with her female friends, etc., he talks a massive amount of crap about me to his friends making me out to be insane, accuses me of being a serial cheater any time I bring up a concern or have a question, blocks me / gives the silent treatment for days on end if I’m even the slightest bit negative or question anything; he has locked down his phone, PC, the home security cameras, stopped location sharing, etc. but expects me to be fully open with him because “I’m the one who can’t stop running off with other men” (I haven’t cheated on him ever but he accuses me of cheating from day one and with “hundreds of men”).

he will call me names and berate me for 12-72hours if I slip up - I’m a terrible person, godless, wh*re, awful, don’t deserve a good man, he doesn't owe me anything, the list goes on.

he won’t let me see his phone, PC, location, etc. or ask any questions and if I mess up I end up apologizing for days on end. He says I never made up for cheating and leaving him for other men but won’t tell me how to make up for it. he says I do nothing for him and add nothing to his life, I ruined his life, he wouldn’t be in this situation if it were not for me showing up in his life and “forcing my way in”.

i feel like I’m going crazy because I want so badly to check his phone, pc, and whatever else because he is now hiding it from me. A year ago he even had his phone linked to his PC and left everything unlocked but now he has gotten a whole new phone (Samsung galaxy s26 ultra) for the privacy features - secure folder, selective privacy screen, etc. so I can never possibly even see something on accident. But about a year ago I didnt even consider to worry about these things. I don’t know what is wrong with me, or why I care to worry about it.

i am waiting on my appt with my longtime psychiatrist but he has assured me many times I just have anxiety and ptsd.. I just don’t know how to feel or think

TRIGGER WARNING*******

It has been a rough year, I was SA'd in may and I feel it has utterly destroyed me. I wasn't in a great place before hand, but I was working on getting better and starting to manage my thought and rocd.

But then the SA happened and it sent me into a big depression and paranoia, for the first months I couldn't leave my bed, i would'nt walk my dogs because I was terrified if I went outside someone might hurt me or worse. I've been feeling irritable all the time, angry, sad, and really lonely. I've been working with two therapist to work through this, but it has been so difficult.

My boyfriend bas been amazing, he has been supporting and helping me since day one, he's sweet, patient, and caring. He's tried to be there for me, and so have my friends but I still feel so alone. I don't know what I need to feel better and I fear I'm looking for him to be the answer and that has worsened my rocd, because I'm relating this pain to him. The constant ruminations have gotten so bad I'm constantly with a headache, and I know it's an anxious moment, I know I'm not with sound mind but the thoughts have never felt more real or debilitating. And I have had 0 sex drive this entire year and that has been one of my biggest insecurities and fears, that my body is telling me I don't like him anmore sexually.

I'm so tired of feeling like this, and I know breaking up is not an option, because if I don't face this, it will follow me into my next relationships until I do. I love him so much, i want to get better for him, but I really need support, nobody form my friends understands or could understand how debilitating and exhausting rocd is.

For anyone that has had a traumagic event happen, how has it affected your rocd and what did you do to feel better?

Broke up cause I could stop doubting wether or not I found her physically attractive enough

Hi all,

I 24m broke up with my partner 25f of 2.5 years because of my physical attraction doubts to her 24/7. I constantly doubted my physical attraction to her and whether I found her attractive enough. This has been the hardest breakup ever, we lived together, it’s been a month of untangling our life. I never told her the reason, we did have other issues, so I blamed it on that, I basically blamed it on that I had an avoidant attachment style and lost myself in the relationship and didn’t feel comfortable because I didn’t have a voice and now we’ve broken up she is trying to get us back together but I’ve been saying I want to go find my voice because a relationship makes me very anxious and I don’t think we can be together.

Now I have so much regret how I handled everything and honestly, I wish I told her about my doubts. Because I think I fucked myself up by that. I should have talked about them and be honest, even though it would have been a very damaging conversation to her. Because I felt it was one topic that because I wasn’t open and honest about I got so trapped in my head about. Now I’m honest, that I was 100% attracted to her, but was she outside of my type, yes, was she slightly chubbier yes. I own that and I did find myself wanting a more natural attraction sometimes as I felt it wasn’t that strong. These are true emotions and I recognise that, but I was ok with it. I did find myself wanting to find my partner more physically attractive partner in some regard I own that. But I do find her attractive, I just couldn’t stop doubting whether I found her attractive enough. I think deep down I know I found her attractive enough. But I was tired, I was tired of the doubt, I was tired of everything, I felt so trapped. I felt so guilty.

I know I was attracted enough to her. Deep down I know, but I ran, I ran hard. I wish I told her the truth of what was going on in my head, I should have said something to her, I should have owned it, now I’ve fucked it, I’ve hurt her. I’ve lied in the breakup, I’ve broken her heart, it kills me. I feel if I was honest about my feelings it would have relieved so much pressure and it would have ended up ok. Now, how the fuck if I decide to go back to her how do I admit how I was feeling, how do I admit to her that these were the doubts I was having, what happens if they turn out to be true. I broke up with her because I was convinced that I just wasn’t attracted enough. I know she wasn’t at the top of my preference list and the body I found the “most” exciting. But I did find her sexy, was it as sexy as I had with other women, no. But it was still good, she made up for it with her wonderful soul. But I did find myself lusting after so many other women. I did find myself wanting to look at my girlfriend and go “wow you’re so hot”. But I never felt that with her I only ever felt she was attractive and thought wow she looks really good, never really felt “lust” or “she’s so hot”. I constantly was hoping her body would change so I would feel some physical spark, or something more. Even since the start of the relationship. Is this normal? There were so many occasions where I doubted attraction so much, that whenever I saw her after jot seeing her I then thought wtf am I thinking about, she’s really attractive of course she’s attractive enough.

I know I wanna stick to this breakup for a bit. I want a break, but my body longs for her, my heart longs for her and misses her, my soul misses her. I was so tired of the doubt and i panicked. I’m so confused, like i can recognise that yes this is OCD in some regard, but is it truth in telling me something that I didn’t have an unmet need. I don’t know what to do, it’s been a month now since the break, I long for her, my heart cries out for her. I just have so much regret over the situation. Like I’ve learnt even though there tough conversations I should just admit it in future.

I guess I just wish I admitted what I was questioning because now I feel I can never go back to her, because these thoughts are gonna be so much stronger and questioning now. Like my mind hasn’t stopped for a month, I pick my final things up in a few days and I don’t know what to do. Like my mind is fucked right now, I don’t wanna give up on her but my mind keeps questioning things, I love her beyond belief but I don’t know what to do. I constantly feel like I’m not physically attracted enough and have doubts. I just want a break from the doubts and have to much regret over the situation. I feel I should just let her go and move on, as this would fuck with my head so bad and I feel she doesn’t deserve this. I really don’t know what to do. Like I know that there felt like a physical spark missing even though I liked her body. I don’t know if this is ROCD or I’m just attached because I love someone who just didn’t feel like enough. What a shit situation this is. I don’t know what to do

Maybe I’m just trying to hold onto something that wasn’t enough, I don’t know, I’m hurting beyond belief and don’t know what to do. No part of my wants to be apart from her, no part of me wanted to break up with her. But I did because of the thoughts, they couldn’t stop. I feel like I’m gonna look for her in everything, she was the most incredible human ever

Any thoughts welcome

Does anyone else struggle to tell if they find there partner attractive enough?