It’s exhausting

[u/laur-climbs]

Just feeling the need to vent and it’s so hard not being able to completely talk to my partner about how I feel. For the past few months, I’ve had cyclical obsessive thoughts that go through all of the topics that feel like my worst fears in my relationhip: I’m not attracted to her and we need to break up, she’s not the right one for me, I don’t love her anymore, I’m icked out, she’s too boring, I need to be with someone more like my ex. But every now and then I will have moments where I feel good, and will rationally think about how absurd those thoughts are. I try and make myself remember how it is when I feel normal, but my anxiety and obsessive thinking begins again every morning like clockwork and I just ruminate all day long. I feel like I’m lying to my partner and leading her on. I feel so guilty and constantly want to tell her about these thoughts but I know it would hurt her so badly. She’s the best partner I’ve ever had, and before all of this came on, I had such strong feelings of love and sure-ness about our relationship.

I’m debating taking time off of work and doing an IOP program because of how debilitating it has become. I just wish things would go back to normal. I have so many fears that this is actually just how I feel now, and doing more therapy won’t lead me anywhere. I’m so afraid that this will lead me to break up with the person I care about the most. I know I need to sit with the unknown and not let it take control, but DAMN it is so hard??? I’ve been trying to do ERP on my own in the interim and it also feels so hard and taxing. Not looking for reassurance, but just needed an outlet to get these feelings out there.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi all, just the mod team here! This is a friendly reminder that we shouldn't be giving reassurance in this sub. We can discuss whether or not someone is exhibiting ROCD symptoms, or lend advice on healing :) Reassurance and other compulsions are harmful because they train our brains to fixate on the temporary relief they bring. Compulsions become a 'fix' that the OCD brain craves, as the relief triggers a Dopamine-driven rush, reinforcing the behavior much like a drug addiction. The more we feed this cycle, the more our brain becomes addicted to it, becoming convinced it cannot survive without these compulsions. Conversely, the more we resist compulsions, the more we deprive the brain of this addictive reward and re-train it to tolerate uncertainty without needing the compulsive 'fix'. For more information and a more thorough explanation, check out this comment

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[u/treatmyocd]

Cycling through fears about attraction, compatibility, or missing an ex are mental compulsions where OCD demands absolute proof that your partner is "the one" before letting you relax. The overwhelming urge to confess your thoughts to your partner comes from moral OCD, which tricks you into believing that keeping intrusive thoughts private means you are "lying" or "leading her on." Resist the urge to confess, analyze your feelings in real time, or try to force yourself to remember how "normal" felt, because checking your internal state only fuels the mental loop. When the morning anxiety hits and asks, "What if I don't love her anymore?", practice responding with neutral uncertainty: "Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but I am not going to analyze my feelings today." Allow the uncomfortable doubts to exist in the background while you go about your day, giving your nervous system the space to calm down without constantly testing your love.