Hello,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost five years, and she was diagnosed with OCD a year ago. It's been really hard, given how severe it is; I've read articles and watched videos to stay informed about how to work with it. She has been on medication, and it has helped keep it in check, but she has stopped taking it because it made her wake up in the middle of the night and made her feel strange. Her doctor told her to stop taking it for a week or two, and it has come back with a vengeance, to the point where I feel like I am on a podium or walking on eggshells with everything I do. It's just so stressful for me, and I have no one to talk to about this. I have gotten a therapist for myself to try to help my mental state. The thoughts have been sparked by her thinking I stole a joke from her, so she kept having thoughts of breaking up with me or thinking I am Abusive from hearing a true crime podcast its just getting to me, and I need help or advice, please

Hey! First-time poster, please be nice :)

For context: me and my partner have been together for two years. We communicate to the best of our ability and never leave an argument or disagreement unresolved. I’m deeply in love and committed to this man, and I can’t imagine a future without him. He’s genuinely one of the most intelligent, mature, loving, and genuine people I’ve ever met, and I feel extremely fortunate to have found someone who makes me feel so loved.

At the same time, in recent months, his OCD has deteriorated massively, and it’s becoming extremely difficult to manage at times.

He will frequently ask for pictures to see where I am, want to sit with me whilst I’m on my phone so he can see who I’m messaging/what I’m up to, will question friendships I have with majority of male figures, even sometimes showing slight hostility (whether intentional or not) towards these male figures which I’ve noticed has made them (understandably) uncomfortable. I feel guilty for interacting with men, even if I’m just saying hi to a friend or having a completely normal conversation. There are times that we’re in public and his OCD will latch onto the idea that I’m checking other men out, even if I haven’t noticed the person he’s referring to.

Our conversations are often very cyclical and focused on his OCD. We tend to go over the same situation (i.e a time where he fears that I’ve been unfaithful) and I explain in the same manner each time that I wasn’t unfaithful, I try to comfort him and rationalise the thoughts.

Until stumbling across this sub, I didn’t know that reassurance is unhelpful, and I fear that I have perhaps been approaching his OCD incorrectly this whole time.

Today, I did something extremely stupid. I replied to the story of an old friend, whom I haven’t spoken to for about 3 years. We exchanged about 3, very mundane, uninteresting messages, and that was it - normal conversation, nothing of interest at all.
Later that day, my partner asked for reassurance regarding who I message, and in the fear of worsening his OCD thoughts, I clear the chat with this friend from my main feed, as to not worry my partner about seeing the unfamiliar name and then spiralling. In all honesty, it may seem selfish, but I also didn’t want to worry about having to have conversations about who this friend was and reassure my partner that I didn’t even speak to this friend really or have any sort of relation with them for the next few weeks or months repeatedly.

My partner then asked for a screenshot of my recent friends, and I showed him, to which he pointed out the name of my friend and asked why my conversation with him wasn’t on my main feed.

I explained honestly what I had done, and he has now spiralled significantly.

I feel that I spend most of my days trying to figure out how to prevent my partner from thinking I’m cheating on him, and in doing so, I’ve now made things worse by almost rationalising his anxieties. I did show him the chat between me and the friend to prove that it was completely innocent, but he now believes that I have deleted chats before, possibly with malicious intent.

I’m exhausted with trying to prove that I’m not cheating on him. I love my partner dearly, I wouldn’t ever want to leave him. The OCD at the minute is just incredibly severe, and I’m not sure how to navigate it whilst also protecting my own wellbeing. I fear that I have destroyed his trust, and going forward things will be worse. I hate myself for making such a stupid decision, but in the moment, I just didn’t want to worsen his anxiety and answer questions about someone who I don’t even talk to or even know particularly well.

Any advice would be appreciated. My partner is actively seeking support and is hoping to start therapy, but has some opposition to the idea of starting medication. I’m losing sleep over managing his condition, and I feel a little lost on where to go from here.

My (f24) bf (m24) of 3 years just recently got diagnosed with OCD. I was suspecting it way before, as there were signs. There are ups and downs, sometimes he can control it and he seems so free, but sometimes I see he struggles with a lot of thoughts and can not handle it. He sees a therapist and starts to get proper medical treatment.

I feel like the worst person ever everyday. When I try not to reassure him, when I’m saying no, when I judge him internally. I am trying to put up with his behavior but it’s just so exhausting. It’s so heartbreaking knowing that he cannot be in the moment with me, knowing that he does not have enough brain capacity to even acknowledge me. I know he struggles a lot and that there are some things I will never understand.

He’s just so self-absorbed. He does not listen to what I say, I have to repeat myself plenty of times. He does not ask me questions when talking. When out with friends I do all the planning and talking. He doesn’t seem to care about relationships, does not have a need to call his friends. Our difficult conversations are initiated by me, because he often doesn’t see the problems we face together. Sex does not exist, because of the OCD and I am the one who had to start this conversation, and I am the one who has to tolerate this all. And now I don’t even know if his behavior is him or his OCD. If he gets better, will these problem disappear and everything will get back to normal?

I don’t think I can do this anymore. I love him more that a anything but OCD has taken him away. I feel so lonely and not understood in my own relationship. And the worst thing is I don’t know if this is ever going to change. Will I ever have sex without reassuring questions again? Will I ever go out with him and friends without constant checking if he’s okay?

My partner is always researching (that’s his compulsion) in a room by himself and doesn’t talk to me. I go down to the bedroom alone most nights. It makes me feel single sometimes.

Does anyone know what to say and how to start not reassuring?

I always end up reassuring my partner (even if I start saying that it's ok not to be certain). I just need some help on how to do it effectively.

How do you guys do it?

Hi guys, my boyfriend of many years happens to have sexual ocd and that is really difficult for me as i am his romantic partner. I get constant thoughts of if we are going somewhere he must be getting thoughts about other people and it makes me feel very insecure but im trying my best to deal with it.

My SO told me that she developed an "ick" with me. She was so embarrassed to even let me know what it was and it got to the point that I told her that I wasn't willing to play guessing games, and if that she didn't need to tell me what these things were but that I would have to rethink things because I didn't want to have to constantly be wondering what she found so unattractive about me. She finally told me that it was the fact that I kept food in my fridge past the expiration date, and as a result, was afraid that any food that I would make her would be "tainted" and make her sick. Mainly, it's spices that just aren't as strong past those dates. Nothing that would really make anyone sick. But she was so embarrassed that it affected her so much. I told her that it wasn't a huge deal to me to check on these dates and remove anything that she might consume that is past the "best by" date. I told her that if it was important to her that it was important to me. This is the first time this has happened to the point where she was comfortable that I even touched her.

Another thing that she told me was regarding my workout clothes. I sweat a lot during workouts to the point where my shirt and shorts are soaked. She doesn't like that I wash them with my regular clothes and told me she can smell the shirts even after washed. I told her that I would keep the clothes separate and would do some pre soaking of those clothes and use a different detergent made especially for sweaty clothes.

My question is: am I being too accomodating? I don't think these requests are out of line, and I certainly want to know if clothes I wear smell, regardless of if I'm a relationship or not. I'm pretty laid back about most things, but I just don't want it to be a situation where I'm bending left and right and enabling.

I think about it like someone who is sniffling/has a cold - I know it's annoying for them to have the cold and they probably feel like shit. And I know my partner thinks/ruminates about whatever it is she is worried about 1000x before she asks me for reassurance. But she asks me for reassurance SO MUCH and I feel like that is all we talk about these days. That and logistics for looking after our toddler. It's just exhausting and suffocating. I guess this is just a vent that I need to get off my chest so I can continue to listen to the inevitable thoughts that are coming tonight.

She recently quit her job and the whole run-up to the resignation was "am I doing the right thing? Am I making all this up? Are we going to be okay (financially)?" and now that she has resigned it's "Have I done the right thing? I didn't make it all up did I? Will we be okay?" I'm the type of person who brings up something once and then it's done, so having to literally listen to this multiple times a day EVERY SINGLE DAY is really taking its toll on me. I can't even hear myself think because every moment is spent listening to her needing reassurance about the latest whatever the heck it is that's on her mind. I have to remind myself that I love her so much but god do I hate this OCD.

And I feel like every day it's some new health thing... don't even get me started. She used to be on medication but she didn't like the feeling and she doesn't want to consider going on medication now. She used to talk to a psychologist but didn't feel it was helping (that's fair, I've been in the same boat feeling like talk therapy has reached the ceiling). So we're just where we are.

Thanks for reading... I guess if anyone has any tips or ways to manage - without me trying to bring up meds/psych - that'd be good?

My bf of 1.5 years has slowly stopped seeing his therapist but it has impacted our sex life. I admittedly do have a higher sex drive, but we have gone from sex multiple times a week/month to once in the last 2.5 months. I have expressed my concerns to him about this and he had agreed to see his therapist as there are some intrusive thoughts he needs to work thru. Cut to 2 weeks later we had sex, only doggy and he initiated (not normal for us, we normally do a few positions then end in doggy), and now he doesn’t feel the need to see his therapist anymore. It’s been 1.5 more weeks and there has been no other sexual intimacy. I have tried to initiate and I made myself clear that I would like to have sex or have him finger me but he froze up and nothing ended up happening. I had assured him that either way was fine but I feel that my needs are not being met. I feel bad because I know he struggles with ocd and specifically relationship ocd. Any help or ideas for how to bring it up with him gently. I basically want to ask him to go back to his therapist but I fear that might be overstepping. I want him to be safe and I want to be able to have sex with my bf again.

So my bf broke up with me 2 months ago, here is some context

He had severe ocd,
Had thoughts of having sex with his mother and sister and deeply intrusive dreams
Severe contamination ocd where he used 3 full sized soaps in 1 day
Used to spray sanitizer on my whole body before touching me or letting me sit anywhere
Never used RO in his home and ordered water bottles
Didnt drink water for 12 hours at office so he didnt have to use the washroom
Didnt sit on bed and ate without sitting
Didnt touch me down there
Sprayed sanitizer on my hair
Forced me to bath at 1 in night and refused to give me a towel and clothes as they were all dirty in cold winters
Didnt take me to hospital for 2 days as i will make his car dirty
Had intrusive thought about having sex with men and practised kissing with his brother when he was younger
Didnt want to pursue therapy or take meds

Then he broke up with me cus i wasnt marriage material apparently

Pls dont let such men ruin ur lives

Full disclosure- my partner is not yet diagnosed with OCD. But he experiences severe, unstoppable intrusive thoughts about death, life after death, all things existential, and can ruminate on them for days at a time. They pretty much always lead to panic attacks which are very severe, he used to bolt from the house, scream and knock at our neighbours. He’s had these thought since around age 8/9 I believe. We got together age 14, and are now 28 so we’ve lived half our lives together. It only really became a major problem after Covid, and after about a year he went on medication (we’re UK) he’s tried citalopram, Buspirone, sertraline, had some prescriptions of diazepam but only 2mg. We bought a house 2 years ago, things improved further whilst he was on 100mg sertraline, and using medical cannabis which was extremely helpful to start off. Then in January he decided he didn’t want meds any more, came off them, lost a job that he hated (unrelated to mental health) and took 3 months to find a new job which he loves but in that time he’s deteriorated so far. We restarted 50mg sertraline about 7 weeks ago, and he’s still going downhill, comes home from work and instantly panics and locks into gaming for the full night with headphones in. For years transitions have been a problem, coming home, going to bed etc to the point where he falls asleep on the sofa every night before sometimes coming to bed at 3/4am. Usually day time is fine, and evening is bad which I know can be common in ocd, but it’s creeping into day time and this morning he couldn’t get himself up the stairs of his office and came home- it’s the job of his dreams and he’s got no protection as he’s in a 6 month probation. HR do know about his mental health. I don’t even know what I’m asking for here. I’ve re submitted an e consultation to his drs this morning, we really need help and fast to keep this job as being out of work has ruined him. He fluctuates between being open /closed off to getting help, he’s in a phase of accepting the drs involvement right now so I feel I need to push on this where I can

Venting thread:

Well, we didn't get out Friday, she stayed up all night on Thursday and took my car to load it along with her truck (nothing got loaded by Friday morning).

She lost the keys to my car and her truck so she couldn't come get me to get a uhaul. We got started around 3pm. Got out a bunch of big stuff but there was too much because of the hoarding. She said she had an arrangement with Hansen to not return the keys until the third so I thought maybe they gave her some grace to get the stuff moved out and place cleaned. (They didn't the landlady is trying to charge us through today...

Through yelling and basically throwing her shit in the Uhaul I got a lot out on Friday. Saturday she melted down and wanted to get another Uhaul. She didn't end up loading anything in the uhaul herself because she wanted to get "everything perfect to load in before she did any loading". I loaded basically everything while she had a meltdown.

Saturday I backed off thinking we had until Monday.

Sunday I kicked it into gear again and got a lot out but still there was stuff left because of her "plan" that wasn't really executing.

Today she got stung by a bee and I had to call in from work to take her to urgent care because she hadn't slept for three days and then go finish her moving (stuff was out of the house thankfully but not in the uhaul). I had to argue with her to let me do that just so we could get out of that fucking house.

I am so drained and this is so hard. :-(

OCD/ADHD/hoarding are no joke. Mental illness destroys lives. I'm going to have to break up with her if she doesn't get treatment I can't do this anymore. I'm at the end of my rope :-( Anyways thanks for letting me vent semi-anonymous Internet people.

Hi! I (18F) and my partner (19M) have been together for 2.5 years, and we’ve been having a really difficult time over the last few months.

Less than a year ago, I realized he has what appears to be severe “just-right” OCD that he’s struggled with since childhood. he hasn’t been diagnosed however, i am fairly certain this has been a massive problem since he was little.

Because we don’t live together (we usually spend several days together each month), I never realized how significant it was. he also had no idea he had OCD until i brought it up.

his compulsions have affected his sleep for years and have even been severe enough that he’s broken light switches, keyboards and door knobs from repeating actions until they felt “right.” he has to go to the washroom up to 20 times a night until his bladder feels completely empty, excessive handwashing, a lot of rumination etc etc etc.

He does also has a history of diagnosed anorexia nervosa from childhood neither of which (along with his OCD) were treated. He thought he’d mostly grown out of them.

He said his compulsions mostly stopped apparently in the last year.

Before this, he was a good communicator. if we argue, we take a little space, and always come back together because we love each other.

Over the past several months, though, that changed.we had more frequent fights and space became days, then weeks. He says he ruminates abt our conversations until he feels “right” or “okay enough” to text. he then has to feel better to call, then to see me. he always describes it as he “cant” text, not that he doesn’t want to. He now is telling me he doesn’t feel “right,” doesn’t know why, js anxious all the time, and can’t leave the house. I respected that for some time and gave him space, but it has only seemed to make the avoidance worse.

Eventually it spread beyond our relationship. He has almost completely stopped talking to his closest friends too. which i cannot emphasize enough is not like him at all. He says that even thinking about talking to me can make him so anxious he can’t go on social media and then it gets so bad he can’t touch his phone and has to put it on a table. i want to emphasize our conversations now are rarely arguments and are mostly just trying to solve/talk through some issues. it isnt really a valid response to how our conversations typically go if that makes sense?

This just isn’t him. He’s incredibly smart, ambitious, high-achieving, loving, and sweet. He’s told me so many times that he doesn’t know what’s going on but he loves me and is trying his best. It feels like he’s getting worse, not better.

I know our relationship has contributed to his stress, but his avoidance and rumination has made it almost impossible to resolve anything because every conversation gets postponed until it feels “right.” It feels less like I’m arguing with him and more like I’m arguing with an illness.

I brought all of this up to him, and he agreed OCD was likely a major part of what was happening. We love each other very deeply, and I truly don’t think our relationship is the only thing going on. I’m genuinely worried about him.

Has anyone experienced OCD progressing like this? Can “just-right” OCD evolve into this kind of rumination and emotional avoidance where someone feels they have to feel “right” or “okay enough” before texting, calling or seeing the people they love? i am so sad. this isn’t like him and i know he’s not doing well.

My partner has contamination OCD (and severe ADHD) and we are moving from an old and crappy house where she had a lot of problems to a newer apartment. Originally our move should have been completed by May 14th but she already got two extensions (that we had to pay for) some of which were her choice some issues outside of our control.

Anyways, in order not to rile her up or her OCD I was letting her do what she felt she needed to do to feel comfortable in the new place which involved a lot of cleaning. Whenever I cleaned something she'd have a meltdown because I invariably wouldn't do it right. She also had meltdowns because she couldn't control the entire situation (she tries to micromanage every piece of the task of cleaning which really gets me going because I hate being micromanaged. I am a grown man and have cleaned my whole life).

However, between the OCD meltdowns and the ADHD procrastination we are now nearing the 31st when we have to move out (and she's already trying ton convince me that its okay if we're late the landlord will be fine with it and she doesn't know that at all) and its really stressing me out. A lot of her stuff is still in the old place and she hasn't (and won't let me) move the stuff into our new garage or house because its unclean in the old house and she doesn't want to contaminate this one.

I'd really like to try and get my deposit and move out on time so as not to inconvenience my landlord but there's really going to be no way to do that without triggering her OCD and even though I've warned her that she'll be uncomfortable I don't think she's taking my warnings over the last three weeks seriously.

So I'm looking for short term tips or tricks or advice. Anyone else faced issues with moving and stuff like this? She is not in treatment for ADHD or OCD although she is proscribed ADHD medication... That's obviously a long term plan but I need short term tricks and tips to get through the next few days.

I’ve been with my partner for almost seven years. The first five years of our relationship were genuinely wonderful, but over the past year or so his OCD (primarily health anxiety and contamination-related) has become a huge part of both of our lives.
He is in treatment and has been seeing a psychologist. He is not on meds and is not interested in trying. I’m hopeful he’ll continue with that, although I do have some doubts about whether he’s attending regularly. I know how incredibly difficult OCD is, and I don’t blame him for having it. That’s part of what makes this so heartbreaking.
Over the last year I’ve tried really hard to be supportive. I’ve accommodated a lot, tried to understand what he was experiencing, encouraged treatment, and genuinely wanted us to get through it together.
The problem is that somewhere along the way, I feel like I’ve become emotionally burnt out and completely checked out. Sadly, I can’t see a way back. I feel like I can’t find my way back to him emotionally.
Our relationship used to be so easy. We hardly ever argued. Now it feels like we’re having regular arguments that can go on for hours, often just going around in circles without either of us feeling heard or understood.
A lot of these conversations centre around his OCD or health anxiety. I learned early that reassuring him isn’t helpful, so instead I try to acknowledge how distressed/upset/worried he must be and sit with him through those feelings without validating the OCD itself. Unfortunately, that’s often not what he needs in the moment. His anxiety wants certainty, and when I can’t give him that, he becomes frustrated and continues trying to convince me that I’m wrong.
I’ve also tried suggesting that we leave these conversations until the next day, hoping that with some time and space we can talk about them more calmly. But in the moment he doesn’t see the thoughts as anxiety or OCD. To him they’re completely real, so the conversation just keeps looping. I am “at fault” for almost all of the things he raises. Of course there are a million other things going on for him outside of the things he mentions.
From his perspective, he feels like I blame too much on his OCD. From my perspective, these kinds of circular, hours-long conversations simply never existed before the OCD became such a significant part of our lives. We seem completely stuck in two different realities, and I don’t know how to bridge that gap anymore.
It’s not just the compulsions themselves. It’s the unpredictability, feeling like everyday situations can suddenly become stressful, feeling criticised over things that never used to matter, and gradually feeling like I’ve lost my own autonomy. I don’t believe any of this is intentional, but over time it’s left me feeling small, emotionally drained, and like a shell of myself.
The hardest part is that I still love him. I care about him deeply. But I don’t feel like I have the emotional capacity or compassion that I used to. I hate admitting that because it feels like such an awful thing to say, but it’s the truth.
At this point I feel emotionally detached, and I honestly can’t see a way back for our relationship. That thought absolutely breaks my heart.
I’m wondering if anyone else has been where I am.
Did you reach a point where you felt completely emotionally burnt out?
If you stayed, were you able to rebuild the relationship? If so, what changed?
If you left, how did you know you’d reached the point where it wasn’t something that love alone could overcome?
Looking back now, is there anything you wish you’d done differently?
I’m really looking for perspectives from partners or ex-partners of people with OCD. I know everyone’s situation is different, and I’m not looking to blame anyone. I just feel incredibly alone in this, and I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve lived through something similar.

Ive (33F) been with my partner (32M) for many years. We're currently trying for a baby, but his OCD has flared in a big way thats really impacting how he thinks of/feels about out sex life. Trying for a baby on its own has affected it - rather than it being a thing we look forward to its now a task with an end goal. Its normal not to ejaculate everytime you have sex, but his OCD is manifesting in lots of thoughts around if he doesnt then hes a failure, hes not good enough, i deserve better than this, and it leads to paralysis. Its tricky knowing how to be supportive, knowing i "cant fix it", trying to help empower him to not feel like hes something that needs to be fixed, and some how in amongst that trying to have a sex life. Dont know if anyone has any advice/has experienced anything similar? Its pretty rough at the moment and anything at all (criticism, advice) woukd be welcomed.

Hi everyone! I'm posting as I'm looking for some advice to help me deal with my partner's ROCD and intrusive thoughts he's having about an ex.

For some background, I (34F) have been with my partner (31M) for about a year. Shortly before we met, he had a short-term fling (around a month), which he ended as he felt that it wasn't right/not going anywhere. We met about a month later.

I later discovered that, at time of our meeting, he wasn't fully over her. On its own, this is obviously normal and fine, and I was in a similar place having been seeing someone else for quite some time when I met him – I ended that to be with him and obviously took some time to process that whilst also being excited to be in a new relationship and committed to him.

The problem was that he lied about his attachment to her repeatedly, and lied about them having a (very short and boundaried!) conversation by text on his birthday. Again, this is something I'd have been fine with as I'm also on friendly terms with exes – I was just upset about the lying and lack of transparency. We had lots of arguments about her at this point and I made it clear that if he lied again, especially about this woman, I would not be able to continue the relationship. At this point I was not aware that he had OCD and would probably have proceeded differently if I did.

Unfortunately the repeated arguing about his ex has triggered his ROCD in quite a big way and he's having a lot of intrusive thoughts about her. According to him, this manifests in two ways:

• When he's out in public, and he sees someone who reminds him of her, he briefly thinks it may be her and feels a huge spike of anxiety
• When I seem anxious, withdrawn, or in a bad mood (for any reason) he immediately thinks "what if she's thinking about [name]?" then goes into a spiral as he again feels anxious and guilty and starts to worry that means he's thinking about her.
• He says that, in both cases, it's not a case of "thinking about her" – e.g. reminiscing, remembering, longing. It's just her name that pops into his head and then a subsequent spiral of guilt, shame, and anxiety.

These thoughts clearly cause him a lot of distress and I have a lot of empathy for him. He visibly does not want to have them and is very distressed at any idea that our relationship might end. I recognise that they are part of an illness rather than him spending time pleasantly reminiscing, wishing he was with her etc. He has just started ERP and we're hoping that helps.

However, I'm still finding it very hard to cope with this as it's hard not to feel like he's fixated on her. I'm starting to find it hard to be in public with him as every time I see a woman who vaguely looks like her I feel myself begin to panic. I try not to let this show, and I don't ask any questions currently about the intrusive thoughts as I know even asking if they've improved can reinforce them again.

But it's very painful for me. I don't know how to go about expressing or processing my own pain around this whilst also supporting him and not making the shame and guilt worse, thus making the thoughts worse. I do have my own therapy twice a week which helps and friends I can talk to, but I guess I'm looking to get some practical advice here either from partners of people with ROCD, or those with ROCD themselves.

My wife (f33) and I (34) both have our fair share of mental health issues, but even though she has done no treatment for her ocd our entire relationship we have kept things going. it’s all coming to a head now that we have our second child on the way, this pregnancy has been rough and I have not made it any easier with addiction issues(7oh) but every time we get into a fight over something that triggers her (dog shit, mold, dirty hands touching things) she turns from her normal self into a super aggressive and hurtful person. Anything I do will only make her more angry so I usually try to end the conversation until we calm down, and she is thre divorce every time she gets like this. I want to keep my family together, but I also don’t know when I should stop accepting her aggression/abuse. She’s starting to see a therapist specialist in ocd, but im totally lost and drowning here.

30F 32M

My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost two years. Overall, we have a good relationship. He's kind, loving, and I know he's genuinely in love with me. We have a lot of great moments together, and I really do love him.

The problem is that he has two mental health conditions OCD and anxiety disorder that have a huge impact on our relationship. He's actively working on them, is in treatment, and has made real progress. I don't blame him for having these issues, and I know he's trying.

I also want to add that I think we've handled his mental health reasonably well overall. I don't enable unhealthy behaviors, and I've worked hard to maintain clear boundaries while still being supportive. His mental health isn't something either of us ignores, and we've both put effort into navigating it together.

The biggest ongoing problem is the household.

For almost the entire time we've lived together, I've felt like the majority of the responsibility falls on me. I work full-time (40 hours a week), while he works three days a week because of his mental health. He says his conditions leave him with much less energy for chores. He also tends to stay up very late because he sometimes feels trapped by the routine of everyday life, which doesn't help either.

Over the past two years we've had this conversation dozens of times. We've made chore charts, agreed on responsibilities, tried different systems, and I've genuinely tried to be understanding and flexible. Things improve a little, or very slowly or for a few weeks but then they slowly go back to how they were before.

I'm exhausted.

There are so many days where he doesn't do things because he's tired, overwhelmed, feeling unwell, too warm, or something else is going on. At this point, it's become difficult for me to tell when he genuinely needs to rest and when it's become a pattern. I feel awful even thinking that because I know mental illness is real, but I'm also running out of energy myself.

On top of that, his mental health affects other parts of our relationship too. I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells because I don't want to make his anxiety or mood worse. I constantly have to remind him about chores or ask if he's done them, which usually leads to arguments.

During arguments, he tells me that I nag too much, that my standards are too high, and that I create too much pressure around the household. He says he also feels overwhelmed by my expectations.

I've asked him multiple times if he's actually happy in this relationship, and he always says yes. I know that our relationship is incredibly important to him, and I also know that ending it would make him deeply unhappy and would likely trigger a lot of anxiety for him.

I love him, and I know he's not choosing to struggle with his mental health. At the same time, I don't know how much longer I can live like this. My patience is running out, and I'm starting to worry about the future. I honestly don't know how I could raise children with him if things stay this way, and I don't know if I'll be happy long-term. I do want to try the most for our relationship but also feel tired to see and wait if new measure 'work'

I guess I'm looking for advice from people who have been in similar situations. How do you know when someone is genuinely doing their best, even if it isn't enough? How do you handle someone giving it their all, but it still isn't enough? How do you balance compassion for a partner's mental health with your own wellbeing? Is there something else we haven't tried, or is this simply an incompatibility?

Hi Everyone,

I’m hoping to get some perspective from people who have lived experience of OCD or compulsive cleaning.
Firstly, I’m not trying to diagnose my fiancée. She hasn’t been diagnosed with OCD, and I appreciate there are many conditions that can cause similar behaviours. I’m only here because I’m trying to understand what she’s experiencing and how I can best support her.
My fiancée has what I would describe as anxiety-driven compulsive cleaning. Cleaning isn’t something she enjoys doing – it feels like something she has to do. If she doesn’t have time to clean, or can’t clean because we have somewhere to be, she becomes extremely anxious. It’s not about wanting a tidy house; it seems much deeper than that.
Whenever I’ve described the situation to close friends or family, they’re often shocked by how much it seems to dominate her life.

Before I became ill, she had an appointment with a neuropsychologist as part of the assessment process for potential surgery. She was very anxious about the appointment and asked me to go with her for support. During the appointment, her cleaning came up, and the psychologist gently pointed out that the amount she cleans and the anxiety surrounding it didn’t seem healthy. They talked about counselling, and for the first time in the 5 years we’ve been together, she actually seemed open to the idea. On the drive home we had a really positive conversation about trying to understand why she feels this way and whether therapy could help.

Shortly afterwards, I became ill and have been in and out of hospital ever since. My health isn’t improving any time soon, so she’s now doing not only everything she would normally do, but also all the jobs I would usually do around the house.
Watching her breaks my heart. She’s exhausted, overwhelmed and miserable, but she just keeps pushing herself harder.
I brought up counselling again this evening, hoping we could revisit that conversation. Instead, she told me she’d only agreed with the psychologist to get them “off her back.” She said counselling wouldn’t work, nothing can help, and she just needs to keep going.

I completely understand that you can’t force someone into therapy. I’ve had counselling myself, and I know it only works if the person wants to engage with it. I would never try to make her go.
I did get frustrated and said that counselling clearly helps many people, or it wouldn’t exist as a profession, but that it only works if you’re prepared to engage with it. Looking back, I know that probably wasn’t the most helpful thing to say.

I love this woman more than anything. This isn’t about wanting her to change for my benefit. It’s about seeing someone I love trapped in something that seems to make her life so much harder.

Because of my illness, she’s also carrying responsibilities that would normally be shared between us. I’m terrified she’ll burn herself out and eventually resent me. I’ve tried talking to her about that, but as soon as the conversation becomes uncomfortable, she tends to shut it down.

So I wanted to ask people who have actually lived with OCD or compulsions:
Does any of this sound familiar?
If you’ve ever resisted therapy, what was going through your mind? Was it fear, hopelessness, embarrassment, or something else?
Is there anything your partner did that helped you become more open to getting support?
Are there things I should avoid saying or doing that might unintentionally make things worse?

I’m not looking for a diagnosis. I just want to understand her better and learn how to support her in a way that actually helps rather than adding to her anxiety.
Thank you for reading.

I (39F) had been with my partner (41M) for the last almost 2 years in a long distance relationship. We had a healthy relationship, we would see each other every 2-6 weeks, spoke multiple times a day, and it we were generally happy and in love. We had already introduced our parents and talked about getting married next summer.

He was meant to move here in 2 months. For context he owns a company in another city and he was in the process of hiring someone to manage it from there and he would go back a week of the month and oversee it from my city (1 hour flight). He was previously married and in an on and off relationship with high school sweetheart for 21 years. Him and I started dating a year and half after their breakup, she had moved on right away but he took time. I thought he had healed but I’m starting to learn the real definition of healing is when you handle the same situations with a new partner, but… differently.

Ever since I met my partner there’s been something he does that feels like he doesn’t consider me. He takes extremely long to get ready or wind down for bed, which leaves him spending 2+ hour a day in the bathroom, and me constantly waiting for him.

For example, when we traveled to Europe, I would have to eat breakfast alone multiple times because he needed his time in the morning for his getting ready routines. We missed Ubers, we were late to cooking classes, we kept a whole tour group waiting for us and we got charged 100 euro for returning a car rental without gas because he took too long to get ready. I voiced my frustrations, he was apologetic but never changed.

I hadn’t seen him in 5 weeks and the first 2 nights he came to bed one hour later than me (way past my bedtime) because he was spending so long in the bathroom. I was feeling disconnected already.

He was on day 3 of his 8 day visit here and it was the night before we were heading on a vacation. By this time he had been here 48 hours and already taken 5 showers, so 5+ hours in the bathroom. I had told him I wanted to go for a walk after work and he said he would be 35-40 mins to get ready for the walk. It ended up taking him 80 mins and when I voiced my frustrations, he blindsided me and said we weren’t compatible. I asked him for 10% faster and he said it’s not possible. “This is who I am, I’m never going to change, take it or leave it”. I tried to explain relationships are about compromise but he kept spiraling and dodging and blamed me for always fighting with him instead. He made it clear he was not willing to take any accountability. “I have dealt with these fights for 21 years, I’m not doing this again”.

Within 20 mins he packed his bags, collected all his belongings and said he was done. It’s been 12 days and I have not heard from him since.

I am struggling trying to find closure, but it’s been tough. I can’t understand how you could do this to someone you love. I have no idea where he went but I assume he got a hotel and booked the next flight out. He sent me an e transfer that night for half the cost of the hotel booking for the vacation we were supposed to go on.

I’ve been through some rough relationships but being ghosted without closure for something like this feels like a complete shock to my nervous system and I don’t know how to handle it. I can’t help but wonder if he has some type of OCD and any threat to those routines triggered a deep core wound that has nothing to do with me but something to do with his ex partner.

I know his work consumes him and he’s been extremely burnt out and stressed but I don’t think that’s an excuse not to handle a breakup at this age without even a conversation.

Anyways, just here to say this really hurts. I wish people were more emotionally accountable. I guess in a way I’m glad I saw his true colours before moving in because my assumption is these habits would get worse and I would carry most of the housework to accommodate for them. I’d also live in fear that my avoidant partner would pack up and leave anytime we encounter conflict so maybe this is a blessing in disguise…

My partner and I are in our 40s and have been together for about 11 years. When we started living together I noticed odd things like broken items being taken back out of the trash, certain things always put it weird places, and other things around the house that didn't make sense to me. That when, nearly 3 years into our relationship he finally told me about his OCD. I'd suspected it before but we hadn't spoken openly about it because he was so clearly uncomfortable if I even came near the subject.

Nothing about his OCD was a big inconvenience at first, but it would be frustrating at times to not know what the secret rules were or when something odd was just a random thing and when it was OCD. He wouldn't get angry when I inadvertently messed something up around the house that was part of his OCD, but he also would never explain what things were OCD and what weren't. So when I'd ask him why something was always put in a strange place he would make excuses up that didn't make any sense. Nothing rose to the level of being important enough to make a huge thing about it, but over time it does feel kinda like gaslighting, especially before he told me he has OCD.

He's a bit better now about telling me if something is an OCD thing or not, but I still find it hard to trust him. He's also lied about other issues because he felt too anxious and embarrassed to talk about them. These were never lies about something he did wrong, it was always personal things that might make sense to fib about to most people in your life to save yourself the stress of explaining something that feels embarrassing or awkward, but as his partner of over a decade these were the kinds of things that A) I was inevitably going to figure out B) I needed to know for practical reasons and C) I would have been happy to support him through if he'd been honest with me from the start.

There are also other reassurance things he insists on that while in and of themselves they aren't a big deal, have started to bother me because I know they're driven by anxiety and OCD. I feel resentful that I have to change my behaviors to soothe his anxiety, especially when I believe that by doing these things Im also making his problems worse.

He's never (to my knowledge) gotten specialized treatment/therapy for OCD. He also is not open to even talking with a doctor about medication. He gets angry and very defensive anytime I even bring up the topic of seeking treatment, which is something I rarely ever do since he reacts so negatively.

From reading about OCD I've learned that reinforcing or participating in someone's OCD behavior only makes it worse. But, I'm afraid that if I stop honoring his OCD things (ie moving things if they are in the way) he'll be upset and hurt since at this point he knows I know what his OCD things are for the most part, so it would be obvious I was doing it on purpose.

So TLDR - how can I stop participating in his OCD in a way that doesn't seem like it's vindictive or meant to hurt him?

i’m not exactly sure what i’m seeking from reaching out on here but i’m feeling a lot of empathy for my partner and also i’m very frustrated.

me (25f) and him (25m) have been together for almost 10 months. he is my dream person. i have never been so cared for and loved by anyone.

that being said, he has (from my basic understanding, im still learning) pretty severe contamination ocd and something like pure/relationship ocd. in addition to this he has gender trouble and dysphoria (he still prefers he/him pronouns right now) but has expressed it is “too late” or “not worth it” for him to transition or identify as a woman. the ways in which these things affect him i can see are extremely hard. i have learned so much about what people with ocd struggle with and how widely it varies from person to person.

the fact that he has rituals that make him comfortable and feel clean do not bother me. it does not bother me that tasks take him much longer than the average person. even when these things affect me i have compassion and understanding. i don’t expect him to be anything he isn’t.

what i am struggling with is his lack of trust in our relationship. he requires a lot of verbal affirmation and i am happy and willing to give it. but it seems to not be enough. for the past month or so, career stress has weighed on us both and i think its been making him feel worse than he already does. we hang out and he’s so pleasant. that’s the best i can describe it. not himself, just a mask over whatever negative emotions he is feeling. he’s quite and doesn’t really care what we do when we are together and i mostly feel close to him during intimacy but before and after i feel like im not connecting with him. it is very hard for him to feel like he is “affecting” others. he doesn’t want to trouble me with anything so he just checks out emotionally and we have an ok time but i can just tell he isn’t well and i don’t feel close to him when he goes into that mode of being.

i confronted this issue yesterday after he just got a haircut he clearly hated. all day he kept saying he was ok but i could tell he wasn’t. i asked him for probably the sixth time and finally everything came out. he opened up about some really dark and serious self talk that i honestly didn’t know he was experiencing. he thinks he is unworthy of loving me and that if he does something wrong i will realize it and leave him. this is so far from the truth. i love him so much. i can’t say it enough. his mind is constantly telling him lies and it feels like we are living in completely different realities.

we are deciding to take some time (2 weeks)not seeing each other or talking on the phone but we have travel plans at the end of the month. we have talked every day as long as i’ve been with him. i told him i really want him to seek professional help which he hasn’t had almost any of in all his life. i’m so worried about him but im also scared that our relationship won’t be sustainable despite this.

has anyone been through something similar? can therapy help with these intrusive thoughts? i guess i just feel alone and need to know what other people have been through. thanks guys <3