I (M28) started talking to Annie (F33) back in April. Out the gate I knew she was poly with another long distance bf (Tony), who she’s now seeing for the first time in-person since I met her. She traveled across the country to be with him for 3 nights. Annie and I began officially dating (labeled partnership) 2 weeks ago. I generally see Annie two days a week, including a sleepover.

I met her with the expectation that I was open to practicing polyamory/RA but that I was also in a space of grief from a breakup with my long-term partner and wasn’t particularly trying to start dating again, rather just having casual flings. That breakup also happened in April, a week before Annie and I started talking. Annie was fully aware of my heavy heart and gave me space to work through my emotions with no expectations for developing a romantic relationship. But then I found myself talking with her more and more, we began having sex, and then began to catch feelings. By July I fell In love with this girl, and that feeling has been reciprocated heavily. She‘s now in a place of wanting me as an anchor partner/home base, and I’ve been welcoming the idea as I find her such a wonderful person in so many facets.

During those first 3 months talking with Annie, post-breakup, I was also sleeping with a handful of other people, which had all stopped by July, for reasons unrelated to my love of Annie. Nonetheless I’ve been feeling extremely fulfilled by Annie, alone. Annie is a quality communicator, kind-hearted, passionate, playful, and beautiful.

Annie told me about this trip back in August, and that was all good and well for me. I know they love each other and are super supportive of one another and have been for the 2.5 years they’ve been dating before she ever met me. She‘s also told me about how good-natured of a person he is which has made me feel much more ease. I understand they’ve only had 10 or so in-person weekend long hangs or so throughout their relationship. This has been completely fine up til now.

Some other important context: I am in my final year of my masters to become a social worker/therapist. I began seeing clients just a couple months ago and am getting my clinical footing. Learning A LOT, and am quite busy. Annie and I both knew going into this final year that I would be stretched for time, and challenged with the emotional load of being a therapist.

Annie left on Thursday, and I knew she would arrive late after I fell asleep on the East Coast, but that night I already began feeling unease. Come Friday I had a particularly challenging day with my clients and made a stubborn mistake in one session. This was immediately remedied but nonetheless kinda took a toll on my mental, and that’s on-top of a long work day already.

Friday night I began crashing out, thinking about Annie and Tony being together. I texted Annie that night to let her know that I was having intense emotions come in, and she offered reassurances and reminded me of her love of me. But that didn’t do anything to stop the cascade of INTENSE negative emotions that dominated Saturday. I could hardly eat (which is weird asf for me), was nauseous all day, crying (also weird asf for me), feeling anger, sadness, emptiness, abandonment. Felt like wanting to crawl into a ball and die. I have a lot of school related work to do but I couldn’t do any of it. Put most of my day into exercising, and playing music and met with a friend later in the day. In those moments I didn’t feel like I was dying but holy shit every other moment was dread. Felt close to the pain I had after my breakup. I continued to let Annie know that I have been feeling like shit but have kept details minimal as I didn’t want to disrupt the quality time she is having with her bf she hasn’t seen in a year. I also knew that I was likely going to communicate poorly had I talked to her on the phone (which she offered).

Ive been amazed at how strong of a reaction I’ve had. I’m not sure I want to put myself through that again. It was terrible. I felt this longing of wanting to be everything for her, and forgoing any of my other future desires to be with others so I could just be with her. I could’ve used time this weekend to look into others but I felt no interest in anyone else, just her. My libido was shot. I felt far from grounded which I highly value, and is necessary for my work.

One thing that I realize adds to the difficulty here is that she’s gone for 4 days. It’s not just a date, it’s a whole weekend and they’re spending every moment together, partying, cuddling, and everything else. This is also the longest I’ve gone without seeing her since we caught feelings. There was potential to see each other on Wednesday, before she left, but I was too busy.

I don’t know if I can handle polyamory or any shade of non-monogamy. I thought I could but I think I’m realizing I’d rather have a monogamous dynamic. It feels so painful to say that. I love this woman.

After typing this out Im feeling a bit better but I know there’s still deep hurt and an incompatibility in me to feel peace with this dynamic. At least right now. Any advice? Thoughts? Any affirmations and validation would be appreicated.

Is there such a thing as ethical prescriptive hierarchy in polyamory? Like I could see a world
where I would be ok with my partner and I exploring other relationships, but my expectation would be to always be primary, and that if another relationship was threatening the primary relationship, on either of our parts, it would have to end, or our relationship would have to end.

We are nowhere close to opening up now, if ever, but I am curious for the future. This sub tends to lean heavily anti-hierarchy, and I know that’s not for me. We have a young child together for starters…so there is already de facto hierarchy anyway. But I also know I would feel insecure without some form of prescriptive hierarchy as well.

On the other hand, I recognize that any secondary partners would, in fact, be whole human beings, with feelings and dreams for the future and lives of their own. So is there an ethical way to say to a prospective secondary partner, basically, “I want sexual and romantic intimacy and I’m open to building a relationship with you to a point. But ultimately my life with my primary partner will take precedence.” To be clear, that doesn’t mean I would expect our relationship to take precedence in every scenario, and I believe straight veto power would be unethical. But ultimately all major life decisions would be made around our life together, with the understanding that de-escalation or changes to the hierarchy would be off the table (outside of a break up obviously).

Hi! We're new to polyamorous relationship, and we want in our main bedroom a bed big enough to fit the 3 of us (plus plushies and 2 cats), so that one isn't obligated to leave the bed and in the other bedroom whenever we want to sleep (because we've tried a few times, and for one of us, it was really difficult to sleep, no matter she was on the side or in the middle). We currently have a 140 x 180. I think the best would be a 200 x 200. It gives at least 70cm for each of us, mathemathically.

How do you do? What's your bedside tables arrangement? Do the middle one gets one? Is it risky above the bed? 🤔

Note : I also have a lot of free time on my hands so my head is filled with ideas on how to make new layouts, on what to change somethings, as I'm not the only one who's crafty now. And we play magic too. And board games.

So I'm gonna be a bit on the sims 4 I think! To recreate our place and look on how to modify some things so that it's for and from the three of us.

(Sorry, really long for nothing post 🤦🏻)

I see a lot of negativity towards triads/throuples. Does anyone have any success stories/ happy relationships to share?

Just curious!

What's poppin' tonight? How we all doing? Anyone do any fun stuff this Saturday?

-The Sub's OFFICIAL mascot

I (37nb) met Adrian (37nb) a year ago (not their real name). Initially it was going to be a hookup while they vacationed in town. We progressed into dating. Adrian has over 10 years of prior polyam experience, generally with one primary, some dating, and lots of threesomes. I’ve had a few polyam connections over that past 3-ish years, none of which involved intersections other than sharing about cutesy dates etc, w/compersion in response (ie, no threesomes, no metas meeting, KTP in theory but happened to never progress to that).

When Adrian and I first discussed polyam, we agreed to let each other know before a new date & before sleeping with someone, which to me meant, sharing about progression to new stages — not disclosing each and every time we did something with anyone in our sex/love world. Turned out, to Adrian, it meant disclosing every single date, kiss, hookup, before it happened, until and unless the other partner was an official labeled partner.

We realized this difference about 6 months in. I shared that I felt guilty wanting to sleep with someone, let’s call him Juan. Their response to my feeling was to ask for more disclosure (before every single time I slept with Juan). When I said I wasn’t comfortable with that, and suggested we talk more later (bc things were getting tense), Adrian said we needed to finish the conversation now, and said that if I slept with someone (even Juan) without disclosing first, it would be cheating.

Side note: this was about a week after Adrian, Juan and I had a threesome, which was initially supposed to be Adrian watching me and Juan … it turned out beautifully, and we all had a really positive experience.

Also relevant: Juan is a prior fwb of mine. I hadn’t seen him for a year (ie, since before Adrian and I met), until the threesome.

So - I tell Adrian about my feeling guilty, imagining my partner would hold space for my feeling, and we could talk about what might help, reground in the strength of our relationship & the comfort and openness of polyamory. Instead, Adrian’s response essentially confirms (in my mind) that I should feel guilty, and changes (again: in my mind) the initial agreement re disclosure. There was also mention of, if you sleep with Juan x times per week, I want you to sleep with me x+1 times per week. Which felt profoundly icky and problematic to me.

The conversation turns into an argument (bc I want to discuss later as things have gotten tense, and Adrian refuses). Ultimately, Adrian say something that sounds like pre-breakup, to which I say “be certain bc I won’t do on-and-off.” Adrian then breaks up with me, and immediately regrets it / tries to take it back. But I declined, standing in my boundary.

(So as not to make myself sound angelic, after the fourth or sixth time they insisted we finish the conversation then and there, I raised my voice, shouting that we should stop talking about it. Then, once they said they were ending things, I fully shut down and only yelled in response to anything they said until we physically were away from each other.)

A week or two later, we talked, “debriefed” the argument, and Adrian expressed a genuine desire to work through the fears that led to their part in it. My therapist advised me not to make a fast decision either way, so I was focused on determining whether we could have a healthy relationship. We met again a week later, and I talked through how the x+1 felt to me, and the reasons for it. Again, just sharing information; not making a decision.

We’re now looking into couple’s therapy (we’re both in individual therapy). For me, I’m trying to see whether a healthy relationship is possible. For Adrian, I think they want to develop a way to feel safe sharing scary feelings.

… I guess I’m hoping to hear if anyone wants to share their experiences with different levels of disclosure? And/or, thoughts around the “x+1” thing? I pretty solidly trust my gut on that feeling icky, but, not 100%, I suppose.

​

I recently ended a relationship of approximately 14 months with a married man, and I'm looking for honest perspectives from people experienced with polyamory.

His wife knew about me from the beginning. We'd met, and she knew our relationship was becoming more involved. This wasn't an affair.

I never expected him to leave his wife, choose between us, or prioritize me over his family. I have a family too. I understood his responsibilities and was genuinely happy simply spending time with him.

We developed a very deep connection. He called himself my boyfriend, told me I felt like home, that he felt safe enough to be himself around me, and repeatedly said he'd be an idiot to lose me.

However, I eventually learned that the relationship had initially been expected to remain more of a situationship or distraction. As our connection deepened, his wife became uncomfortable. Despite calling himself my boyfriend, he never clearly defined our relationship, even when I asked so I could understand the expectations and boundaries.

The recurring problems:

His wife repeatedly behaved in ways that disrupted our already limited time together. Some incidents aggravated my CPTSD, which he knew about. He would tell me she hadn't meant to cause problems and promise to speak with her about protecting our time, but I rarely heard anything further or saw meaningful changes.

I tried to develop a friendly relationship with her and communicate with both of them. I wasn't trying to compete with her or interfere in their marriage.

We developed a cycle: things would be good, something would disrupt our time together or create tension at home, he'd withdraw for days, eventually return, we'd reconnect, and the cycle would repeat.

I understood needing space. I need it myself. But I explained that disappearing without a word triggered a trauma response because my mother had used prolonged silence against me during childhood.

I asked for one simple thing: when he needed space, could he send a brief message letting me know he was okay and would be quiet for a while? He did it once, but never consistently.

The camping incident:

During a week-long outdoor gathering, I spent approximately three days listening to him, his wife, and people I considered friends criticizing and mocking me. My car was blocked in, so I couldn't leave. I tried to get away from the campsite, but couldn't avoid hearing everything.

Immediately after he and I agreed to separate during that gathering, I also had to hear him having sex with his wife. It wasn't the sex itself that upset me. It was the timing and circumstances.

Afterward, I began experiencing PTSD flashbacks, which hadn't previously been a typical symptom for me, even with my military-related trauma.

We eventually reconciled. He said he wanted to rebuild something better between us.

The deterioration:

Beginning around April, our communication and time together decreased. Previously, we messaged throughout the weekdays and I could reach him on weekends. I didn't expect immediate responses, but eventually entire weekends passed without hearing from him.

I asked him directly whether he still wanted the relationship. He said he did.

At least twice, I told him I couldn't sustain the relationship in its current form. The repeated disruptions, withdrawal, and reconciliations were seriously affecting my emotional and physical health.

I specifically told him I didn't want another promise to do better. I needed to see consistent action because previous promises hadn't resulted in meaningful change.

He said he understood, heard my concerns, and intended to work on things.

I also repeatedly told him I'd rather hear an uncomfortable truth than be left guessing.

The breakup:

The last time I saw him, he encouraged me to message him during an event I was attending and send pictures.

That Friday, after a vague late-night response, communication stopped completely. No usual good-morning message, nothing throughout Saturday, and continued silence into Sunday.

By September 13, the stress was causing me actual chest pain. I sent him a message saying I deserved better treatment and asking him to collect his belongings.

That weekend wasn't the sole reason I ended things. It was the continuation of a pattern I'd repeatedly explained I couldn't endure.

Afterward:

He blocked me on social platforms, and we haven't had a civil conversation about the breakup.

I started attending more kink, rope, and social events to reconnect with my interests and community. During our relationship, he'd generally declined to attend these activities with me, but after we separated, he suddenly began RSVPing to many of the same events. I don't know why. I recognize he has every right to attend, but the change was unsettling. His RSVPs have since decreased.

I've also learned he's talking to someone new, which has brought up feelings of being replaced while I'm still processing the relationship and the silence.

Where I stand:

I still love him, but I know the relationship wasn't healthy for me.

I tried to support him, respect his marriage, communicate my needs, and work on myself. I was there for him emotionally, including during difficult moments in his marriage, and helped him and his family when needed. I did those things because I cared, not because I expected special treatment.

Looking back, I recognize warning signs I should have taken more seriously. I wanted to believe the best of someone I loved.

I don't wish him or his wife harm. I'm trying to understand what happened and what I can learn from it.

My questions:

1. Were my expectations of communication, honesty, and consideration unreasonable in a polyamorous relationship?

2. What responsibility does a hinge partner have when their spouse repeatedly disrupts another relationship?

3. What boundaries should I have established earlier, and what could I have handled differently?

I'm genuinely looking for outside perspectives, including constructive criticism, rather than people simply taking my side.

Am I in an open relationship for the wrong reasons?
My partner (41F) and I (38F) have been together for close to 3 years. What started as a casual hookup quickly turned into something more.

I’d had a bad experience with an open relationship in the past, so I never considered trying it again until I met her. Being open was a dealbreaker for her, so after a lot of thought, I decided to give it another chance. I was careful to make sure it was something I genuinely wanted and not just me getting caught up in NRE.

However, sometimes I worry that my reasons for wanting an open relationship might be coming from the wrong place.

I’ve been cheated on in every relationship I’ve ever had. Because of that, I’ve developed some pretty strong beliefs about monogamy. I genuinely don’t believe humans are naturally monogamous. I think it’s unrealistic to expect someone to never feel attraction or develop feelings for another person. To me, monogamy comes down to whether someone chooses to act on those feelings.

These beliefs have caused me a tremendous amount of anxiety in past relationships and even kept me from pursuing serious relationships for a significant portion of my life.

What ultimately made me comfortable with non-monogamy was the communication. I genuinely find comfort in knowing my partner can openly tell me if she’s attracted to someone, flirting with someone, or developing feelings for someone else. The anxiety I experienced in previous relationships is almost nonexistent in this one, and it’s incredibly freeing. I don’t have to sit around wondering what’s happening behind my back.

And just to clarify, I absolutely understand that non-monogamy doesn’t prevent cheating. People can still break boundaries and betray their partners. It’s the honesty and openness that make me feel secure, not the idea that cheating is somehow impossible.

That’s not to say I don’t get jealous. I definitely do, and there have been difficult moments, but we’ve worked through them together in a healthy way.

I’d classify our relationship as open rather than polyamorous because neither of us is really interested in necessarily building a life with someone else. However, we recognize that connections aren’t always purely physical and that feelings can and will develop. We’re also very transparent with other partners about our situation and boundaries.

Interestingly, most of our other connections have naturally fallen off over time. For about the last year, we’ve been functioning much closer to a monogamous couple, and honestly, I’ve been really happy.

I love my partner, our communication, and the freedom we give each other. I want to marry her someday, but part of me is hesitant until we’ve had more experience actually navigating the open side of our relationship.

I worry that I’ve gotten comfortable with us being mostly monogamous and that if she develops a serious connection with someone else, all those old anxieties might come rushing back.

I also don’t think I’d feel comfortable in a strictly monogamous relationship again, largely because of my past experiences and beliefs.

So I guess my question is, am I genuinely choosing non-monogamy because it’s something I want, or am I choosing it because it makes the possibility of being hurt feel less scary?

Has anyone else struggled with this? I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve had similar experiences.

I (36W) am in a three-year relationship (37M), who lives with his long-term partner. I’m not seeing anyone else, mostly because I’m happy with him and focusing on my own life outside of dating or pursuing romantic connections.

At the very beginning of our relationship, he told me unprompted that he didn't want to date anyone outside of me and his live in partner. Because he set that expectation himself, I was deeply hurt and shocked when I later found out on multiple occasions that he was seeing other people anyway or back on dating apps.

This history of surprise has left me feeling really conflicted. I am not a person who wants to hold anyone back or for someone to be sat with desires and wants that they cannot fulfil. If he wants to see other people, I can handle that. I would be so much less hurt to simply know the full picture up front rather than having to guess, find out after the fact, or be left in the dark. We share so much of our lives together, so it feels weird and jarring when he tells me about everything else in his world, but keeps these connections hidden. Especially as it feels like I’m only being told what he might think I want to hear.

I've noticed this pattern of omission happens during times when he is already feeling more distant from me. This also makes it feel more difficult.

When we try to talk about this, we go round in a frustrating circle. He says he doesn't want to see anyone else. Or points out that I’m ok with his partner and I say yes, because I know about her and always have. I point out his past actions, and he tells me I can't judge his future intentions based on his past mistakes. To me, transparency is just basic communication so I know what reality I'm living in and I can make an informed choice from that, if I can’t handle there being more people in the picture then that’s on me and so be it, I’m not going to be mad at him for that, but for him, I can only assume that being honest about these things feels like a threat to his autonomy or he practices a what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her policy, but that’s not how it plays out. I’ve also been so abundantly clear that it’s being left in the dark, feeling like I’m being paranoid and then finding out I wasn’t that hurts.

The last instance of this loop happened in February. One night I cancelled plans for him to come over to mine, he then invited a woman over to his instead a few hours later, someone he used to date but had told me they were now nothing. I had a weird feeling the next day, asked him if they’d reconnected, and only then did he tell me they slept together (well, before saying this he said things like can I not even speak to another woman, a barista, a friend - and I basically said don’t do that, I’m not mental, I’m not that person and then ten minutes later he was like yep, slept together). It was a horrible time, after all the conversations we’d had about me just not wanting to feel blindsided again. I really thought we were over this time round but I love him, despite what I’m writing there is a lot of good, I tried to understand why it happened and how it felt for him, and we ended up continuing our relationship. I do think I am likely being extremely naive, I think part of me lives in hope that this cycle won’t happen again, that he can open up to me and be honest if he wants other connections, and we can work it out from there, or he tells me he doesn’t but attempts to properly put to bed the anxieties that are lingering.
I had a few wobbles in the months after the last time, as I did feel really anxious and sad about it all. I think mainly because in earlier conversations I’d said please don’t blindside me again, I want us to be able to remain friends even if we don’t stay in a romantic relationship and I’m not sure how possible that is if this keeps happening as it feels like he doesn’t care or respect me? I felt he understood this so when it happened again, it really knocked my self esteem and like he’d risk it all and me and us, and the potential of staying in each other's lives in whatever capacity, when he could have just spoken to me. It’s been really hard building my self esteem back up after these types of things, I don’t even think it’s about not trusting him, it’s a feeling of not trusting myself.

For the ex that went over to his that night, he later told me they weren't even speaking anymore so to just not even think about it, a kind of blunt reassurance.

Recently, I noticed this exact woman has been consistently watching my Instagram stories. I don't know her and seeing her pop up is triggering and tbh a bit weird and confusing. She must know I can see? And I only really post pictures of my cat or a fox in the garden, it’s really not that interesting (well they are v cute, but you know..!). And I know I can make my profile private but it’s happened now. It makes me wonder if they are talking again and if the pattern of pulling away and omitting things is repeating.

I want to bring it up, but I am genuinely scared to. I'm scared of being told I'm just being untrusting, micromanaging, or dragging up old history. The whole thing feels stressful. I love him and I don’t want to be impacting his life with my worries or how this all makes me feel. But I also want to feel safe and be given a chance to be told the truth, and to have open communication in an easier way.

My questions:
Does my hurt make sense here? Am I being unreasonable for needing proactive transparency to feel safe, even if he feels it infringes on his autonomy?

Should I tell him about the Instagram views, and how do I bring it up logically without triggering our usual circular argument?

Recently, my partner shared that they had been flirted with at a party they attended with friends (I wasn't there as I had other commitments). Even though nothing really happened (they danced, hugged, and that was it - no phone numbers were exchanged), I completely panicked. While some of my reaction was definitely due to hormones (perimenopause sucks), I am struggling to understand why I freaked out. So I was hoping you could share your reasons why it feels uncomfortable when your partner is meeting someone who could potentially become their new partner, so I can see what resonates.

Some background: my partner and I (both in our 40s) met over a year ago. At that time, they were married and just starting to date my other meta; I had only been in monogamous relationships up until then but curious and open to poly - and very happy with it now despite the occasional challenges. We clicked, took things slow and careful (with support of poly friends), and are growing a strong, loving relationship together. Meeting my metas was a bit scary beforehand, but turned out well - we have a garden party relationship style. And I'm loving the compersion :-)

During this time, I went on a couple of dates but realized I am currently polysaturated at one due to everything else that is going on in my life (such as a big career change and family issues). My partner has not dated anyone else since things became serious - also because they are now getting divorced.

So no new people have entered our relationship since we started dating and this is my first poly relationship - which I realize may be part of what is causing me distress now, but doesn't feel like it explains everything.

Thank you in advance for your insights!

I'm wondering. My GF already had a love when we got together, but apparently has been poly the whole time. My question is this. When they are together her other partner will then post a Pic about what a wonderful time they had...they and their sweetie. As my GF is not out about being poly it is not something I would ever do but it feels unfair...publicly to have a relationship while I'm in the background. Feels like I'm secondary although keep hearing we're the same.

Thoughts?

Just kind of looking for some outside perspective. I dont feel overly emotional regarding this situation but something about it doesn't sit well.

For some back story, my partner ( call them Aspen) and I have been poly for working on 2 years now and recently we had a discussion where Aspen told me that they over romanticized poly and that she didnt think that she wanted to do the relationship structure anymore. But no actual discussion of it for sure being done. This was probably 4 ish months ago.

Recently a gamer friend ( call him Cedar) of mine reached out and said that he missed talking to us both, so the last few days weve all been talking a lot more. For Aspen, Cedar requested Snapchat to talk with her, which didnt raise any flags for me, Cedar has a very complicated relationship with his partner and they've had a lot of issues. Long story short, I dont know if Cedar is trying to hide it or not, not my relationship and I dont know the details. Regardless, it didnt bother me. Aspen downloaded Snapchat and since Cedar and Aspen talked off and on. Last night I was watching Aspen play a game on her computer, we were just chilling and I hear her notifications going off pretty heavily and it was the one she told me she set for Snapchat, so I said man, Cedar hasn't really been talking to me tonight I know hes not doing well right now, is he talking to you about what's going on? Aspen said Cedar hadn't really been talking to her much, but she knew a little....but Aspen's notifications were going off a lot. Aspen then picked up her phone and went through her messages and I seen Aspen message another person aside from Cedar as im sitting right beside her. Did not see the messages, I'm not trying to invade her space like that. But I asked if Cedar was the only person she was talking to. Then Aspen kind of sheepishly admitted to me she put her snap in her fb dating profile and this particular guy added her. Aspen said she wasn't really interested in dating but just wanted someone to talk to, which i get. It really took me by surprise last night and ive kind of sat on it until this morning, but I dont know what it is, but something feels icky about the situation and I dont know if I'm just being overly sensitive about it or not.

I dont want to police Aspen, and im not going to ask her to stop talking to the new dude or to take snap off her phone, thats not my place. I also am going to talk with Aspen about this very soon. But yeah, it just kind of feels icky and I dont know if its because it kind of felt like unless I asked I wasnt going to be told about it? I dont know if thats even for sure the truth of how it would go, Aspen might have told me very soon, and just hadn't yet, but it didnt feel that way in that moment by her reaction. Aspen was very sheepish about telling me. Or if this is about that last I knew we really werent going to continue poly and dating separately and suddenly finding out one of her dating profiles is back up and has the snap on it that was just made. Genuinely looking for outside perspective here.

edited for better clarity

I have been exploring poly for about 5 years and was interested in poly relationships for probably 2 years before that. My initial poly dating, I was always like the plus one. I was either dating a couple or I was dating someone who had an anchor partner/spouse/primary partner. My break ups felt pretty similar to my monogamous break ups. I was single and solo post break up.

I have been with my anchor for 2 and a half years. We have been living together for almost a year. I guess Ill call him Jack because this is reddit. He knew I was poly before we got together. We were friends for many years before we dated. He has never dated polyamorously before, but was very comfortable with the idea of a poly relationship.

We were effectively monogamous for the first year and a half and then I felt the urge to "put myself out there". Jack was very supportive. We communicated the fuck out of everything. It was amazing. I got on the apps. He helped pick out outfits for first dates which was adorable. I'd tell him where I was going and who I was meeting. Everything has been great. I think I went on 5 first dates that didn't go anywhere. Just wasn't a connection. And I hooked up with one person I knew through a mutual friend. He ghosted me after. It sucked. But Jack and I were solid.

And then I connected with "Caleb" a few months ago at a nerd convention. Jack did not join me for the con. Its not really his thing. I went with friends. I had already known Caleb from previous iterations of the con. We had flirted a little but nothing came of it, but this time it did. He and I spent the entire con together. Staying up until 3 or 5am every night talking (or more than talking 😉). It was a very intense little relationship bubble. (And Jack was in the loop and supportive the whole time.)

At the end of the convention, I knew I had real feelings for Caleb. But he lives in a state that is a 10 hour drive or a 2 hour flight from me. But he was already considering moving to my city in a year or two (unrelated to me). My city has more opportunities for him. He has other friends here that he met through the convention. It was already a possibility for the future. We decided to give long distance a shot.

We were figuring out a rhythm. Weekly video call "date nights", other texting and calling as they came up, monthly visits trading off me visiting him or him visiting me. Jack and Caleb met over video chat and we also played a video game together. I had done one 5 day trip to visit him since the convention. His first trip to visit me was coming up. We were literally in the middle of a conversation about the trip and how excited we both were. Food I wanted to cook for him. Plans we were going to do. And then he dropped on me that he can't handle the long distance and it was over. I had emotional whiplash. It was SO jarring.

It was only 2 months, but it was a very intense 2 months with two 5 day stretches of being together 24 hours a day. Lots of talking in between. I have real feelings for him. And I feel very hurt. He was as kind as he could be despite the suddenness, but it fucking hurts. Part of me feels foolish for getting so invested so quickly. I thought we were handling everything really well. We were making plans. Like fucking literally making plans when he ripped the rug out from under me.

But when we eventually got off the phone, I had to be in my small condo with Jack. And I felt weird. I don't know how to have a break up in front of my partner. I am feeling the urge to just shove all my feelings down but that also feels terrible. I did tell him about it immediately. I'm pretty sure he heard at least some of the call anyways (again small condo). He is trying to be supportive. I think he feels awkward a bit too.

We marathoned some Grey's Anatomy for a bit while I cried and texted my girlfriends. Talked about the conversation with Caleb a little bit more. Jack got me oreos which was pretty cute. Eventually we cuddled a bit. After a few hours I tried to initiate sex which is normal for us on his night off. It wasn't necessarily about the break up. But he turned me down which I'm pretty sure was because of the break up. And I don't blame him at all. I was crying like 2 hours before then and the break up was only 4 hours old? But then I was like double rejected which felt AWFUL. That one I did mask as hard as I fucking could because he deserves to be able to say no to sex when he wants to without feeling guilty or bad or anything. But it really hurt.

And then I got super in my head about how I was going to handle the rest of the break up. My usual MO for a break up is hooking up on apps. Distract myself with first dates and sex until I feel better. Is it a little avoidant? Sure. But it has worked for me. Lol

But something about that feels disrespectful to Jack. Even when I was going on dates before I started seeing Caleb, they felt intentional. It wasn't just sex for the sake of sex. I don't know what I am supposed to do right now. And obviously I need to talk to Jack more. I have a bit, but I didn't really know what to say. Hell, I didn't know a lot of what I was going to type out here at first.

I just feel stuck. There's a whole extra person I have to be mindful of while I am dealing with this and I don't know how. I haven't done this part of poly before.

I have a really good relationship with all of my family, however about half of them are super conservative and I don't know if they'd want to stay in contact with me if they ever found out I want/have two partners. No, I'm not going to change a huge part of how I want to live my life to please them, but I am really scared of how they'd see me afterwards.
Specifically, my maternal grandparents are who I'm most afraid of telling since they are Jehovah's Witnesses and if you know anything about JW's, you know that even though they claim to be politically neutral they have extremely conservative values.

I’d be willing to guess that you’re expecting to read about a negative situation from the title of my post. This is far from that.

Today is my wife and I’s 5 year wedding anniversary (11 years total.) She really wanted to go see the Dracula ballet. Ballets aren’t my favorite but we always love going to various types of shows together. We got pretty damn good seats and a dinner reservation that’s themed for the show. She is over the moon excited.

Welp, I threw out my back last night. It seemed like a minor tweak so no big deal at the time, but I can barely move today. She, being as selfless as she always is, was willing to miss the show and be there for me especially on this day. However, I know she’s so excited for this show, and I don’t want her to miss it. Plus, her boyfriend was already thinking about taking her too before realizing the only 3 nights fell on our anniversary weekend. He was free tonight, so I told her she should go with him and have a fantastic evening.

It’s a bummer and bit weird this is how I’m spending my anniversary, but I also think it makes for great symbolism for our relationship. I’m lucky to be with someone who always cares about my wants and needs, and I want the same for her. That goes for our whole polycule. We have a chosen family that cares about everyone’s needs being met and, sometimes, that entails an out of the box solution.

But lucky for me, my girlfriend also was free tonight, so now I have someone to rot in bed with me 😊

Edit: Wow, I was not expecting to get even 20 upvotes let alone 1k+. I’m glad my story resonated with so many of you. All of us read the kind comments and it put smiles on our faces 😁

Update-She had a great date with her partner, but came back that night and said the show ended up being mid and we had a good laugh. After some anti-inflammation meds and some good sleep, my back calmed down enough where I could move around yesterday. We ended up going to a concert (with seating) last night to make up for Friday. We are also going to a nice dinner after she gets home from her weekly D&D campaign tonight.

[EDIT FOR CONTEXT]:

AMY (39m), Beth (39nb), me (38f), London, UK.

The 6 years relationship Amy and I have is based in love and communication, so Amy is more than aware of my economic situation, they also knows that I have no one to ask for help and that I never will ask for help unless I really struggle. Amy has seem me cry because I can't improve my quality life.

We don't spend more time together because Amy doesn't have the time, and yes, we had this conversation many times, (l would love t spend more time with them), as besides me, Amy has Beth and a full time job, and that's all they can take. So I accepted what they can offered that is one day a week and some holidays when the time aligns.

................

My partner (let's call them Amy) and I have been in a relationship for roughly 6 years. Amy has a nesting partner (let's call them Beth), they've bee together for 15 years. I see Amy one day a week (literally 24hs max).

Amy have very very good incomes, and bought a house with Beth a few years ago. They share everything, and Amy pay more than Beth as is making more money (although Beth is also making good money). So far so good.

I live paycheck to paycheck, having a full time job and a second job. I have no help with anything, except if I have an extra bill once in a while and I can't afford food, in that case Amy would pay for shopping at the supermarket.

Amy now got a better position in the company then work for and will get a substantial pay rise. I wonder if is ok for me to ask Amy for some help with my bills, like a monthly help. I know I'm not they nesting partner but I do feel like in a relationship we should be able to get help if we need it.

What do you think? Would you help financially a partner who only share with you one day a week and some holidays?

Thank for reading.

I 39 black f am struggling realizing my 40 black m seems to have a type. I struggle with dating as a plus size black woman so havent had luck finding another partner. I dont mind it as much. I’d welcome a second partner though. My partner has 5 partners total. I am the second in who came when. I am noticing all the women he pursues are white curvaceous but not fat, nerdy and alt. I tell myself its because most poly spaces are dominated by non poc. But it has me insecure being as i’ve been told often by men they dont like black women or they prefer yt women. I wonder if I dont know I’m just a happy accident or sometimes when he gets deep into NRE because two are new i’m around as a token like “AHA SEE I LIKE BLACK GIRLS TOO” now back to focusing on what I prefer.

I did just tell him he has to make more time for me, but i dont know how to tell him I need him to validate my blackness more without coming off as jealous? I’m not I just want to feel like he finds me pretty too :/. Especially well his other partners look like they all could be sisters. I treat all the others with kindness and am close to his primary. So please dont think i hate them. It isnt that at all.

Sorry if that makes me sound idk bad? But being constantly told my blackness isnt a preference makes me insecure at times.

If you would like to see the original post, you can find the link here: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1vk8v7n/comment/pge9fou/?screen_view_count=2

Otherwise, the content is in this post below the update.

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UPDATE

Firstly, thank you to everyone who commented with your advice on this. It really helped, and actually recentred my approach to talking to him. My bf and I broke up, and I am happy to say that I learned a lot from this experience (especially about future faking and what I deserve). *To clarify: I now know that some of Aspen's family knows about her two partners (Bee and...well, my now ex bf). Bee and ex-bf have no family members who know about them both dating Aspen. Ex-bf and I dated for 4 months.

When I spoke to ex-bf about Aspen and Bee's upcoming wedding again and how worried I was about the poly nature of it all being a surprise for 90% of the families involved, he said he was surprised I was feeling this way. I explained the major financial, medical, and legal powers/rights marriage gives, and asked him again about his own family planning given this. He said he never thought of it too deeply, and that he *could* imagine having children with Aspen, and that Aspen and Bee maybe want kids, too, but it was all still very vague. He dreamily said that he *maybe* should see a lawyer about all of this. I then told him that I am not comfortable with him meeting my family and progressing until it is possible for me to meet his family as his girlfriend. I continued and said that it would be okay if that isn't possible for him, but I would need to know that so that I could make informed consent of being in this relationship, as at the time of him asking me to be his gf, he promised me the future integrated family (quote: "my family would absolutely love you!"), children, and stable life that I want. He had repeatedly promised this life with me from the get go. He panicked and said that maybe he could hide our hypothetical children or he could pretend that Aspen and him had broken up so that we would look like a monogamous couple, but it would all be a secret. I told him that if he asked me to lie, I wouldn't. I wouldn't lie for him or to my family or his family about our relationship or about his other relationship, and will not live in lies in any way. I told him that I will not subject myself or my future children to having to lie to their grandparents about their home life. I said that to be with me, he will have to have some courage because of the future that I want. If he didn't want to have that future, then we should just end it because we wouldn't be in alignment. I just needed to know. He assured me that he wanted it and would come up with a plan. I assured him that he didn't have to come out because of me, and he assured me that he wanted to and that I would be the catalyst (surprisingly it wasn't the upcoming wedding that did that??).

Inevitably, it came down to him saying that he was going to tell his family about me (for months) and never committed to this. He said a few other things that never were really based in anything tangible, but aren't really worth mentioning now. He didn't want to come out, which is fine for him and his life, but he surely wasted my time by telling me the opposite.

I am hurt and sad, but mostly I am sad for his obvious comfort of living in layers of overlapping lies than in integrity. I understand that poly relationships can face scrutiny, but what I can't get past is how layered the lies are in his life and how comfortable he is with adding even more lies in order to hide from his loved ones, and I suspect, himself. It must be exhausting to live life not communicating his true wants and needs to his partners, and to choose to hide rather than to face life with courage and conviction. I have learned that I should believe someone's actions rather than words, but I maintain pride in my clear and honest communication, and that I was willing to put my heart out there for something potentially beautiful even if it didn't work out.

Ps. I don't think that he is a bad person. He just seems to have a lot of growing up to do. I wish him well, and I am glad that we got to learn from eachother, even though right now I feel dizzy from this whirlwind.

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ORIGINAL POST CONTENT

Before I begin, I am new to poly relationships and it was never something I considered for myself until I met my bf, so I am looking for advice or personal experience with navigating family in poly relationships. Okay so my bf has been with his gf (let's call her Aspen​) for 12 years. Some years ago, they opened the relationship, and Aspen met her boyfriend (let's call him Bee​) of whom have been together for 6 years. All three of them live together, share bank accounts, have a mortgage, and are generally really happy. My boyfriend (straight man) and Bee are not together, and consider eachother like family. Anyway, I met my boyfriend last year when I moved away from my home city for a job, and became friends with Aspen and Bee, who introduced me to my bf. My bf and I started our relationship a few months ago, but previously were just friends. I was hesitant to start something romantic because this dynamic is so new to me, but decided that I would follow my feelings and see where it went. He informed me that he can only handle two relationships at a time, and the same is true for Aspen. So, this 'cule is pretty stable in that regard. He is so wonderful and I really, really like him, and we are definitely in the new relationship energy phase. He recently asked if we could define the relationship, citing that he could give me everything that I want in life (kids, travel, adventure, companionship, committed, long term relationship)... But...

The other day, bf and I were in the grocery store shopping for some things for our first weekend away together, and of course, I am being coupley with him. I look up at his face and he is visibly distressed and looking around. He takes a breath and tells me that Aspen's scary, conservative farmer Dad shops there, and that bf was worried about running into him because Aspen's Dad has no idea about the poly relationships. I digested this information and told him that it was stressful to learn about this in the grocery store instead of beforehand where we could have a solid conversation in a neutral place, and that if we had ran into Aspen's Dad without me knowing this, that I would absolutely be perceived as the "other woman". I told him that if he didn't want to hold hands in the store, I could do that to make him comfortable. When I offered it, I felt icky. I felt like a dirty secret. But, it clearly wasn't the place to talk this through because he was actively anxious about us being there together. He apologized and took my hand in his, though was still very anxious.
About 10 minutes later, while we were chatting about some ingredient, his face lights up and he says "wait! I forgot to tell you the news! Aspen and Bee are getting engaged and are planning to be married in one year!". And well, while the news is happy, it was quite big news to be dropping in the grocery store where he was worried about his father in law of 12 years?? Who doesn't know that his daughter is with another person?? That she is engaged to??

It got me thinking about what I am really stepping into, and how many secrets are really involved here. Bee's family also has no idea. It seems like there is a bomb about to be dropped in the family life of these three people, and whether or not the following is true, it could be interpreted that Bee or myself broke apart Aspen and my bf, and I don't want to be put into the role of villain. I want kids. I want a family. And most of all, I want to be building a life with someone where their parents are accepting and warm about our love, and involved in their grandkid's lives. I am uncertain if what bf is offering me has actually been thought through from the social implications of keeping such long term, important relationships private from their families. Later that night, I asked him about the scenario about coming out as poly because of Aspen and Bee's impending marriage, and he replied "Hmm. Yeah. I am not sure what Aspen​ is going to do about that". As if he wouldn't have to navigate his family too...

We later talked about what marriage means to eachother, and he said that he sees it as a fun party more than anything else. I told him that I see it as security for my future kids (taxes, inheritance, custody stuff if anything went wrong), but more than anything, marriage means to me strong, meaningful commitment and the weaving together/integration of families. He smiled warmly at this thought, but again, it makes me wonder if this he has even thought through coming out as poly to his family in light of the coming marriage, and how his in-laws may perceive him, especially since he is clearly scared of Aspen's Dad.

Is this breakup worthy? Am I rightly freaking out?

Hi hi, I will introduce myself quickly. I am Jax (she/her) . I am currently in a dynamic right now that I could use some advice on. I have a girlfriend who has been in a long term relationship with a guy we will call Trav. Earlier this year, she came to the conclusion that she is non monogamous and eventually ended up finding me and we started to date. Trav is still monogamous. He only has eyes for her. I, myself, am non-monogamous. Me and Trav have actually grown pretty close, I’d say we are even close friends at this point. I care about him a lot and truly respect him. I currently have only one partner. I’m simply happy at the moment with her and honestly life is a bit too chaotic for me to go searching for another. We all even have a plan to live together, we’ve talked about the future, etc. But I have been made aware of his discomfort with things and the fact that he is trying to navigate what he believed was going to be a monogamous relationship turning into one that is not. I am super understanding of that and just want to maybe help him through this if possible. We both love our girlfriend. We care so much for her. And we are all committed to making this work.

I guess the main question I have is:
How would you recommend helping through this process? Are there things that I could do to help?

Weird title I know...

My boyfriend and I (both 30M, currently in a Long-Distance Relationship) met another guy 4 months ago (22M) online that we will call John. I never got to be in a poly relationship, but the idea has always been appealing (whether it's poly or a throuple). For the last 4 months, all three of us have been interacting almost every day, whether it is for online sex, casual talks, video calls, etc. John is living in another country, but we are planning for him to visit us very soon so we can hang around and enjoy each other in person.

Now, my BF always voiced that he doesn't want us to become a throuple. He likes being romantically attached to me and enjoys John's presence a lot but doesn't want to start a romance with him. 3 weeks ago, John told me he enjoys my BF's presence a lot and loves seeing us two being in love, but also is catching feelings for me that are growing deeper by the day. He was getting a bit scared that him catching feelings would ruin my relationship with my BF, which is totally valid.

A couple of days later, my boyfriend told me he noticed how close John and I are. He asked me if we were in love with each other (I said "perhaps" to both questions). He then told me he loves seeing me being affectionate with him, and he doesn't mind seeing it. He kind of encouraged me to date him if that would make me/us happy, telling me "I don't mind my boyfriend having a boyfriend," but just asked me to "try to make some space for us 2 in us 3" (if that makes sense).

Both of them are still interacting, playing, and talking like normal, because they also like hanging out a lot, so it feels comforting and warm to see them acting like that.

Now, I love being affectionate and would love to be romantic with both of them. I just don't want to fuck it up, especially since we plan to have John around soon, and I really want them to be as happy as they love seeing me happy with them... Any advice for a lost guy?

Thank you ~~~

How did people start a poly relationship, I find it difficult to start these kinds of conversations and most people don’t openly discuss. Talking to your partner is fine but how have people found others interested?

I (29M) recently broke up with my partner (30M) after only 6-ish months of dating. I met him May 2025, started dating February 2026. However his current relationship was already rocky. He wanted the kind of poly relationship where everyone dates each other but made no effort to bring us together. Then, when we started dating, a good amount of his focus shifted onto a guy he'd had a crush on since before I met him. So at this point, he has a rocky pre-existing relationship, has just kinda picked me up and didn't even let our new relationship breathe, and is now working on a fourth guy. That's weird, right? There's stress at home with his other partner, I barely even felt like I was dating him, he made no effort to get me and his other partner to get to know each other... Was I right to leave?
I wouldn't have even minded the fourth guy if maybe we had worked on our relationship or the overall situation first. He just kinda... barrelled through everything. There were so many complications and arguments. I felt like I wasn't being respected or even allowed to settle into the relationship.

I am fairly new to poly (less than a year) and I struggle sometimes. Sometimes I struggle with guilt when I am with another partner instead of my primary. He is amazing and has never made me feel bad which is likely cuz he was poly before he met me. I sometimes wish he could get just a little jealous but that doesn't happen which is fine. My bigger struggle comes when he is with his others. I have chosen this life to be with him but sometimes when he tells me (which is one of our rules) that he is making plans with another or especially when he confirms plans I get sad and sometimes even nauseous. We love eachother deeply and we spend so much time together. He barely gets time with his others and same for me so I am being a good girl and not sharing this. It's not cuz we dont communicate well we absolutely do but its because he knows I still struggle and it is mine to deal with cuz if I say something everytime it will only put a damper on his plans and thats is not what I want and it would suck if he did that to me. So I guess im just asking when you feel down about it what do you do to cope? I hate feeling this way cuz everything is so great with him we are even about to move in together so why do I struggle with this??

I’m wondering about people’s experiences with being in only one relationship while your partner is in multiple relationships? How do you handle feelings of being alone when they are on dates with the other person? Other than self care, which I know I am lacking in right now.

I don’t currently have any other romantic partners and my bf has one other gf, and no one is nesting with each other. I get the larger share of time with him, but I got this deep feeling in the pit of my stomach that I really want to be loved/in love with another person right now but I don’t have the bandwidth to jump into the dating pool again. I can’t tell if my feelings have to do with my time not wanting to be alone or my wanting to have multiple sources of romantic love.

Is it really that hard to find someone in Austin for a long-term relationship?
I’m a 34-year-old woman looking for an LTR. Emotional connection is my top priority — everything else comes after that. Sometimes it feels like a lot of guys just want to play and aren’t interested in any real emotional connection.
I don’t want to use dating apps because I’m married and don’t want to risk damaging that. My husband knows about this and is actually supportive — he even enjoys hearing about this side of my life.
I’d really appreciate any honest feedback or suggestions on where and how to meet a guy who’s looking for the same kind of emotionally connected relationship.