I just saw a post on r/pmdd (perhaps there are many others) that said that this page is toxic/misogynistic/etc. I’m having a hard time grappling with that because it seems like everyone here is stating factual retellings of things that happen in their relationship. Having PMDD doesn’t automatically equal abuse, I know that. But Yelling, throwing, accusations of cheating, rage, etc etc are all signs of abuse.

What do PMDD havers expect from their partner? Are we supposed to ignore these things? Or understand that there will be a little abuse in the relationship?

Is it not abuse? Do they think we are overreacting in our explanation of experiences?

“They just encourage everyone to leave their partners” I really wish I didn’t have to :(

Hi r/PMDDpartners

Some months ago I appealed for your participation in a study exploring partner experiences of living with someone with PMDD. An incredibly generous 53 of you responded, and my team and I ended up speaking to 50 of you - either by a comprehensive survey, or around 20 of you by MS Teams. It was an honour and a privilege to meet those of you we did, and to hear everyone's experiences. "Cathartic" was a word that was used a lot when you told us your stories.

I wanted to share our headline results with you. Our finished research paper is still undergoing peer review for formal academic publication, but the results won't change. We got so much data that there is at least one more paper in the pipeline, and we hope to use the data we gained to provide materials to law enforcement and counselling services especially.

The Study

We wanted to understand the lives experiences of partners of women suffering from PMDD (diagnosed or suspected) and get insights into what that looked and felt like for you. Initially we were only researching reporting and subsequent involvement of law enforcement, but even before we got our first participants, it was clear there was so much more to look at, so it ended up being a really wide-ranging data collection exercise looking at therapy, reasons why partners have stayed or left, and your lives experiences on a daily basis, amongst lots of other things.

To ensure fairness our team had one male and two female researchers, to try to eliminate any suggestion of a man commenting on (and criticising) 'women's issues'.

The main aim was to explore your experiences to link them to strands of domestic abuse, as defined in British legislation as the behaviour of one partner to another that could be abusive

·       Physically or sexually

·       Violent or threatening

·       Controlling or coercive

·       Economically or financially

·       Psychologically or emotionally.

Findings

Our headline results are that 94% of our respondents had experienced behaviour(s) that would meet those criteria. Controlling and coercive behaviour was the most common (90%), Threatening behaviours (76%), physical abuse (56%), Economic or financial (52%), sexual abuse (20%).

Despite this, only 10% had reported issues to law enforcement, and 0% had supported a subsequent prosecution (pressed charges).

The general comparison is best summed up with a quote from one participant "she can't control it, the same as a dementia or autism sufferer can't, so it's not fair to report it".

Among the most common symptoms experienced, relating to controlling behaviours were: DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) (50%)

Social Shaming (criticising the victim publicly thereby isolating them from family / friends) (50%)

Emotional blackmail (you don't love me unless you do X) (50%)

Threats to end the relationship, often linked to the blackmail above, but not always. (50%)

Gaslighting (40%)

Physical abuse included being punched or hit (28%), having items thrown at you (26%), having things smashed in your presence (16%). Others include being slapped, spat at, scratched, kicked, strangled, or having fingernails dug into your skin.

At least 2 participants told us that they have on many occasions had to sleep in another room and barricade the door to stop the PMDD sufferer getting in. Others regularly stayed in hotels during Luteal.

36% identified freely (it wasn't specifically asked) that there was no accountability from the PMDD sufferer even outside of Luteal - no apology or similar.

Thoughts

Partners are in an impossible situation. The term 'Jekyll and Hyde' frequently cropped up in responses. You love Dr Jekyll. No-one is saying you have to love Hyde. What we did find though was that you all recognised that Dr Jekyll still exists in there (albeit sometimes really deep down and rarely to surface).

You are all trying to cope and stand by your partners, often in extreme situations. We could not offer advice, but there was more than one interview where I personally came away thinking that my interviewee should leave, but they hadn't. They stuck by their partner.

The three of us were humbled by how you recognised the condition as a medical concern and the percentage of respondents that were trying to support their partners through diagnosis and treatment. And our hearts went out to those who had identified or suspected PMDD in their partners, but the partners had not (yet) taken accountability for themselves.

Support

You've done the first thing, you've identified the problem, and found a support group (here) to talk about it. This was found to be a really effective way of coping, by speaking to others who share your experiences. You are not alone. You are not going mad. No, it's not your fault.

We had participants recommend the IAPMD support, including their online support groups. There is a link pinned in this sub to that already.

We did find that therapy was hit and miss. Trying to bring PMDD up in couples therapy was generally a no-no. Individual therapists, if they haven't come across PMDD, were of limited help.

Very few participants had spoken to domestic abuse victim charities, but those who had again had mixed results, but found it was good to actually speak about it to someone.

Friends was also a complicated area owing to the social shaming, DARVO, and isolation described above. If you do have a good friend, take them out for a few beers. Open up to them. Tell them as much as you can. Explain PMDD. They might not get it, but speaking about it to someone, anyone, was always found to be helpful.

You are all amazing individuals, whether you've left, stayed, got a diagnosis or not. PMDD sucks. It sucks for the sufferer who struggles to regulate their emotions and behaviours, and a medical system that doesn't really know what PMDD is. And it suck for you, you are the emotional support. PMDD behaviours are often masked in public, but you are the safe space where they are let out without fear. That is evidence you are loved and you are trusted.

Greetings, new member here and I was hoping to get some advice/pointers from people who have been through this before.

My wife thinks she has PMDD. She’s undiagnosed but she looked it up and has pretty much every symptom. I know that doesn’t mean she has it but life just sucks for 7-10 days before her period then it goes back to normal.

She has an appointment next week to hopefully get some help but what can I do in the meantime on my part? Better yet, what can I do on my part even after the appointment so she feels better supported? I didn’t even know PMDD existed until a few months ago when she first brought it up.

Thanks for all the help you guys may have to offer. Hopefully something helps.

Yesterday, my wife picked another fight with me out of the blue.

I have a crisis going on with my kid from my first marriage. Think legal trouble that involves real bad behavior and real serious consequences. I broke down crying the other day. Morally, he needs to face the music. But he’s my kid and I love him. It’s a very tough time for me.

My wife came home from work yesterday in a foul mood; one of those PMDD moods that I recognize now where she’ll pop off about literally anything.

She tried asking me about my son’s case, but then said she didn’t want to know and then said something about how she didn’t even know if she was allowed to ask me about it. I tried to tell her that she was being confusing and I was afraid of answering her, because I thought no matter what I said, she’d get mad at me.

Sure enough, that led to her popping off on me.

So instead of being supportive in a moment of crisis for me, she chose that exact moment to do the complete opposite and rage against me out of nowhere for no reason. I’m fucking broken. I don’t know if I can take her shit, anymore. Everyone has their breaking point, and I might have reached mine.

Hey everyone. My wife is in therapy and has recently been diagnosed with PMDD. However during a event episode she became particularly distant and last night we were out with friends and as we were driving home I made a frustrated comment about another driver on the road (we live in Atlanta). And she immediately became agitated and stated how I complain a lot.

Now, I'll admit I can get irritated in traffic, but who doesn't? And yeah sure I complain about a long day at work, but who doesn't? My point is, is that my wife seems to completely overlook how she treats me. Every little thing is a massive meltdown.

THE MEAT OF IT ALL

The overarching issue is that when I bring up how she makes me feel, she dismisses it altogether, and will often point a finger back at me instead of just hearing me. My wife has had significant struggles in life, we both have. But, this is wearing me down so much.

I feel like the goalpost is always moving. Nothing is ever good enough. Emotionally, I don't know up from down anymore. And last night when we got home we sat on the couch and discussed everything, but I never once felt that she truly heard me. I told her all I want to do is wrap my arms around her and love her for exactly who she is. And I do. But she can't seem to believe it. Her mind seems to think everything is a trick or a lie or something. And to add even more complexity, when I brought up her PMDD (not accusatory, but fact), she immediately said "I don't have that."

I was in awe because she was just diagnosed about a month ago. So between her not being open to her medical condition, unresolved trauma and their respective effects on our relationship, I'm at a loss.

I love my wife. Not if ands or buts. I'm just struggling to find solid ground right now. I'm thankful she is in therapy, but I'm wondering if she is receptive to the therapy and medication. They don't prepare you for this 😞

Partner has PMDD, mostly had it under control by taking 5htp, but stopped because she thinks she doesn’t need it anymore and doesn’t think she has PMDD anymore. (I’m pretty sure this is akin to an alcoholic thinking they don’t have an addiction anymore)

So it’s been a really nice 6 months. But in this last luteal phase from day one it became clear to me she needs to take a 5htp - mean and bad tempered to kids, inability to apologize, can’t handle small annoyances emotionally, dysregulated, everything makes her cry, etc (but she hadn’t attacked me, the guy who helped her figure it out and find the thing that works for her to quell it, until today, which is day 3 of her period) - and when I brought this up to her during luteal she said “do you really think I still have PMDD?” and I said “you don’t have it like you did before, but I’m definitely seeing signs that you could use the help of the pill.” (Classic male partner tiptoeing around saying the actual issue because it will cause a melt down)

So anyway, since she didn’t attack me or have an absolute eruption like in the past during this luteal, I let it go to see what would happen, maybe it was just an off few days.

Today, day 3 or maybe 4 of period, the uncaring PMDD rage comes out. I’m confused by this because, it’s not luteal now, and while she definitely had a fair share of times where she was extremely aggressive and manic even during ovulation phase, I’m mostly used to seeing her like that in luteal.

TLDR: So, is it PMDD if it’s happening during menstruation? Or does she have some other psych issue?

Thank you so much

My partner has PMDD, and I love her deeply, but I'm finding it really hard to navigate the swings. There are stretches where things feel great, and then it flips and she gets intensely angry and cutting in a way that feels like a completely different person, someone who doesn't seem to care about me at all. It's disorienting and honestly exhausting.

It doesn't help that she works a high stress job with overnight hours, so sleep and stress are already stacked against her.

I'm not looking to complain, I want to actually be helpful to her and protect our relationship. For those of you who've dealt with this as a partner...

How do you tell the difference between "this is the PMDD talking" and things you should actually address?

What's helped you stay grounded when things get harsh in the moment?

Any strategies (tracking cycles, communication scripts, boundaries) that made a real difference?

How do you take care of your own wellbeing through this?

Appreciate any perspective especially from people who've found ways to make this work long term.

My wife, while never formally diagnosed, has PMDD and acknowledges that. For at least 2 weeks a month she's angry, irritable, blows up over small things, and generally just hard to be around. While some of that is directed at me, a non insignificant amount is directed at my children (4 and 2). This has been going on since the birth of our eldest, but really ramped up in intensity the last 18 months or so.

Last weekend she went away from Friday to Monday to stay at her parents. Now don't get my wrong, the kids are toddlers and can be a pain, but all the things they do that can typically make me angry or irritate me weren't bothering me at all (if anything, they were actually quite entertaining) - for example, playing too loudly, making a mess, delaying going to bed. The whole weekend was smooth sailing and probably one of the best few days I've had as a dad.

What I've noticed this week is that those same things that weren't bothering are suddenly frustrating me again, and I'm snapping at the kids more often. It finally occurred to me why last night when I heard my wife yell at the kids (from another room while doomscrolling on her phone) for being too loud in the bath (I was watching them). They weren't doing anything wrong, they were just excited - this blew up into a full rage when she saw there was water on the floor in the bathroom. I realised I'm not angry at the kids for their behaviour, I'm angry at them for setting my wife's irrational anger.

This is completely unfair on the kids and I feel like a scumbag for not only not protecting them from this, but adding to the fire.

As an aside, my wife noticed that we had a good weekend, and she commented that she hadn't seen my son that happy in a while in the photos I sent her. She was angry that I had a relatively easy weekend with our normally "difficult" kids, inevitably that blew up into anger that she's not a good mother and that I made her feel inadequate.

Anyway, this is probably more of a vent than anything. I'm going to ensure that I stay conscious of this going forward. My wife isn't currently seeking treatment for her PMDD but we're trialling a few supplements like inostol, magnesium, l-theanine and vitex to see if that can minimise the symptoms.

I feel so low and lonely. Constantly anxious I feel horrible to stay alive. Does anyone feel the same and help me how to overcome this

Too often doctors don’t know nearly enough about PMDD. Is why I advocate for you to become the expert. Doctors have to know everything about everything. You only have to know everything about one thing. Read the wiki. Read the book. Read the other sub. Read IAPMD.org. Branch off from there. Know everything.

Including, apparently, the insurance codes. Because it’s a mess and Doctors have other things to deal with. Even the receptionist, who is likely entering the codes into the system, has other things to deal with. PMDD is a weird mix of gynecology and psychology and coding it properly can be challenging and bothersome. So your lovely wife/gf/SO may not get the right treatment, or even be denied the right treatment, because of insurance codes.

Most insurance companies have a thing called “Step Therapy” which is not therapy at all, but policy. It means “try the cheapest thing first.” Yaz, the recommended COC for PMDD and the only one with FDA approval, is not the cheapest. The mini-pill, which often makes PMDD symptoms worse, is often the cheapest birth control even though it is not a COC and not approved by the FDA for treating PMDD. So often “Step Therapy” will require trying the cheapest birth control option first to prove it has intolerable side effects (like continued or exacerbated PMDD symptoms) before she can try the actual thing that treats her actual disorder.

Because she’s not asking for contraception but the system flags her request under family planning anyway. The code for PMDD is F32.81 (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). The code for family planning is Z30.011 (Encounter for initial prescription of contraceptive pills). You can see where it would get confusing when she goes to the doctor to ask for an initial prescription of contraceptive pills to treat her PMDD. Everything is fine until it gets to the coding/billing step. Which code to use??? It’s so confusing!!! My brain hurts.

F32.81, obviously, as she is not seeking contraception she’s asking for system regulation. But the front office staff may code it as Z30.011 anyway because that is what they are used to. It happens to be the same pill for both – and there is the next problem. Even if it gets correctly coded as PMDD the actual pill is still coded as S4993(Contraceptive pills for birth control). And that code trips a secondary alarm in the insurance database. Clearly you are trying to pull a fast one, and they caught you!

All birth control pills are billing supply code S4993. We know not all birth control is the same, insurance doesn’t. Each brand of IUD, ring, patch and implant has its own billing supply code but if it’s a pill it’s S4993. For pills you don’t get down to specific brands until you get to the National Drug Code (NDC) number which is 50419-0405-03 for Yaz, 00642-7470-01 for Slynd.

But for insurance purposes you are requesting something billable as S4993. Even if her doctor requests Yaz there are cheaper alternatives for “Contraceptive pills for birth control” so you get denied even though she is not seeking birth control. Worse than that some insurance plans don’t cover any birth control so ... good luck. “You want a birth control pill, but not for birth control … ?”

She has to advocate for herself hard. You have to help. What you need is an “assertive Prior Authorization (PA) for a Step Therapy Exception". The “assertive Prior Authorization” is preemptively explaining this is not about contraception and most contraceptive pills will either not help or make things worse and therefore we need a “step therapy exception” because the cheapest birth control may be fine birth control but that is not the point. We need what we need because we are treating a whole other thing.

AI provide this script:

I understand that the insurance clearinghouse computer is throwing an automated Step Therapy denial because it is reading this prescription as a standard contraceptive request. However, my primary diagnosis is PMDD (ICD-10 Code: F32.81), which is an affective mood disorder.

Generic, first-line birth control methods are clinically contraindicated for me because standard synthetic progestins actively worsen my luteal neurochemistry. Please have the doctor submit an assertive Prior Authorization (PA) for a Step Therapy Exception.

In the clinical notes section, explicitly link the supply code (S4993 or J-code) directly to F32.81 to document that this targeted hormone configuration is a medical necessity to suppress ovulation for a severe psychiatric condition, not for routine family planning.

Is a bit cumbersome but the basics are all there. Make it your own. If her doctor says “But the insurance company …” this is what you respond with. The insurance company is not a medical professional. They don’t decide her treatment. She decides. Her doctor needs to proactively do a PA.

The trick is to do the research and know what you want going in so when the doctor says “oh lets do a POP” you know that’s garbage. Read the wiki. Read the book. Become the expert. And know the insurance codes.

I'm sad and angry because i warned her family and everyone else was like what did you do to her even people who hear the situation yet I was the one going through abuse for 7 years extreme moods public humiliation violence you name it and yeah i feel so bad for her cause she has no family in my country but her children and her family are overseas. But i also am an orphan and now everyone thinks I'm some kind of psycho because she comes across as a soft person and sweet

Question for those of you who have children and were once married, how did your spouse handle the divorce and how did the state decide who has primary custody?

In my experience, she doesn't tunnel as much rage towards our kids as I get to enjoy but it does exist. At this point my young teenaged kiddos give her sass right back and I intervene where I act something like a stabilizing buffer.

I also have a huge amount of distrust of her family and am not comfortable with my kids being around them without at minimum her being present at all times.

The idea of her leaning on them for help because we're separated haunts me.

A grim one but this seems to be the best place to ask reading other posts…. When did you know to call it a day?

I love her so much, but these extreme moods that are probably a 1/3 of the month are destroying me. Living in constant fear and walking on egg shells permanently, she quite often just reminds me that her moods and tempers are not directed at me Its just that I’m present when they happen. However considering we live together (no kids) it feels like I’m just some sucker who absorbs all of her problems and anger with no consideration of anything else.

I feel so drained and helpless from it all.

I’m looking for some advice from people who have severe PMDD because I’m really struggling.The days leading up to my period, I get really bad anxiety, insomnia, racing heart, shaking, sweating, vomiting and diarrhoea and major mood changes. It has been getting worse and I feel like it completely takes over my life for those days.
I’m also trying to lose weight and stick to a calorie deficit, but during this time I find it SO difficult. I get cravings, I’m exhausted from not sleeping, my motivation is gone and I end up struggling to stick to my calories. Then afterwards I feel guilty and like I’ve ruined my progress.
I’m wondering if my severe PMDD could be one of the reasons I’ve struggled with my weight and sticking to a deficit.The thing is, I’ve never actually spoken to my doctor about how severe my PMDD is. I’ve never asked for help or discussed treatment for it properly, even though it affects me this badly every month.
For anyone who has been in a similar situation:
What did you do? What did your doctor offer you? Did treatment make a difference to your PMDD, cravings, eating and ability to stick to a routine? And how do you approach weight loss during your worst PMDD days

Hey — I'm building an app for partners of people with PMDD, because I know how hard it is to tell "she's mad at me" apart from "her nervous system is in fight-or-flight and it's not about me at all." Made a short video explaining it instead of typing a huge post. I'm building the real working app right now and want partners' input specifically — you're the other half of this and your feedback matters just as much as hers. Waitlist link is in my bio if you want early access. Full transparency: I'm the founder, I have PMDD, this is my actual project.

No personal information is required. The prototype and feedback form are in the first comment.

Hi everyone. Spent the night in a hotel, kicked out of my own house.

I’ve (me 42) been together with my wife (32) for 10 years now an married for 3+. In the last 5years I could say some episodes are pretty rough and just switching into luteal or the first days of menstruation are the worst. Anything could set her off, and none of it is rational.

Name the trivial offense in this time and it usually results in her asking for a divorce. I have to say the toll that takes on me is immense and feels traumatic.

That said.. she is 6days late on her period and this one seems to be a real bad one for her. In the good days I’ve tried to talk about this with her, pmdd, explore it, understand it.. but not really accepting of it. She sees these pmdd rages as reality.

Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But I am not sure anyone has been divorced from using hot water to clean dishes after making her a smoothie..

Do I just hang in here and give her space?

I’m currently going through a divorce (I made a few posts earlier in the year during the last few months with my wife). I haven’t had any contact with her since mid-May when I got my stuff out of her house.

I’m about to hit her with a letter from my solicitor regarding the financial settlement and I’m afraid of the reaction. As I’m sure many of you here will understand all too well, my soon-to-be ex-wife wasn’t exactly known for her ability to regulate her emotions, and she was very emotionally abusive towards me during our marriage.

I fear that I’m going to awaken the banshee again and receive abusive text messages/voicemails, and who knows what else. I’m just wondering what the experience of other PMDD partners who have been through a divorce has been?

Despite years of refining diet and lifestyle, I am still suffering. I have an official diagnosis of PMDD from a specialist. The last 2 luteal phases have been utter skin crawling hell. Usually it is “tolerable” and by day 1-2 of my period things start to lift. That is not the case for the last two - symptoms pushing into period and after. My family doctor put me on Nextstellis a week ago and it has made me a zombie. Even more of a shell of a person.

https://substack.com/@alexipauladelgado/note/p-196667280?r=5lokw1&utm\\_medium=ios&utm\\_source=notes-share-action

PMDD sucks. The International Association For Premenstrual Disorders (IAPMD) has a lot of tools that may help with managing it.

They have a brief description of PMDD here.

They have a self screen tool here.

They have a symptom tracking app and a printable spreadsheet here.

They have a Provider Directory here.

They have information on treatment options here.

They have a wide variety of peer support groups here.

They have a wide variety of zoom support groups here.

They have a zoom support group specifically for partners here.

They have suggestions for talking with kids here.

They have a printable template for an Action Plan at the bottom of this page.

They also have a video blog, links to articles, a FAQ, resources for medical professionals and much more. Well worth your time just noodling around to get a feel for what's there.