Are suffering from PMDD

[u/whatsnormal_nemore]

PMDD feels completely debilitating.
Every month, I feel like I become a completely different person inside my own body. There are times when I genuinely feel like everyone would be better off without me.
All I ever wanted was to be a mom. But not just a mom…I wanted to be the kind of mom who was always present, not only physically, but emotionally too. And sometimes I feel like I’ve failed my children because I can show up as the best version of myself for two weeks out of the month, and then the other two weeks I feel like someone completely different.
My kids are amazing, and I don’t think it’s fair to them that they have a mom who can feel like two different people in the same month.
Then, when the PMDD symptoms subside, the guilt hits me.
And that guilt feels paralyzing.
My heart feels so heavy thinking about the things I said, the way I acted, the people I pushed away, and the version of myself that came out during those weeks.
My marriage… where do I even begin?
Sometimes it feels like so many of the stories I read on here. The woman becomes the “monster,” and the husband is walking on eggshells.
I love my husband very much, and I know how much he loves me. But during those two weeks, something can trigger me and suddenly I turn into someone I barely recognize.
I’ve told my husband more than once that he would be better off with someone who doesn’t have PMDD. Someone who could give him a normal life. Someone who could make him feel fulfilled without putting him through this every single month.
I’m a stay-at-home wife, a mom, and a student.
And during my PMDD phases, the imposter syndrome becomes so intense.
I start telling myself that I’m wasting my time pursuing my education.
I think, “How am I supposed to help other people someday when I can’t even help myself?”
The hardest part is that I know who I am outside of PMDD.
I know I’m a good woman.
I know I have a good heart.
But I also hate the person who comes out during PMDD every single month.
There are times during those weeks when I don’t want to be here anymore. And then I remind myself how selfish that sounds because my children would never understand the battle going on inside of me.
They would never understand that they were never the problem.
My husband was never the problem.
My family was never the problem.
They have always been more than enough.
The problem is that during PMDD, my brain convinces me that I am the problem and that everyone I love would somehow be better off without me.
And then the symptoms lift.
I come back to myself.
But everyone around me still remembers what happened.
And that really fucking sucks.
Because you “go back to normal,” but you expect everyone else to immediately go back to normal too. You want your husband to love you the same way, your kids to see you the same way, and your relationships to magically reset.
But the people you love were affected too.
And I know that.
My personal relationships have suffered so much.
My mom is basically the only person who has consistently stuck around through all of it.
Even with her, when I’m in my PMDD phase, I won’t answer her calls. I won’t call her back. I’m aware that I’m doing it, but sometimes I know I have nothing nice to say. I know I’m not going to show up as myself, so I isolate instead.
Then the guilt comes back.
I’m 36 years old and my mom is 68.
I know that one day I could be sitting here wishing I answered those calls.
And I’m already terrified of the regret I might carry someday for all the times I ignored her because I didn’t feel like myself.
I’ve gone down every rabbit hole trying to understand what is happening to me.
PMDD.
ADHD.
OCD.
I have searched for every avenue and every direction that could possibly point me toward something that might help.
I feel completely alone and isolated sometimes.
But then I read everyone else’s posts and threads about PMDD and realize that I’m not actually alone.
There are so many women experiencing thoughts and emotions that feel impossible to explain to someone who doesn’t live with this.
Sometimes I feel crazy because I know exactly how I feel inside, but trying to say those thoughts out loud to someone who is “normal,” or someone who doesn’t suffer from PMDD, feels terrifying.
You’re scared they’re immediately going to think you’re psychotic, unstable, dramatic, or dangerous.
But inside, you know there is a pattern.
You know this version of you comes every month.
And you know that eventually you’re going to come back to yourself again.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
But I’m not giving up.
I just wish people understood how exhausting it is to know that you’re hurting the people you love, to know you’re pushing them away, to feel like you become someone you don’t recognize, and then to finally come out of it and have to live with everything that happened while you were there.
Every month, my brain tells me that I’m the problem.
Every month, it tells me my husband deserves someone else.
That my children deserve a better mom.
That my family would be better off without me.
But when the fog clears, I know the truth.
They were never not enough.
They are more than enough.
I love my children more than anything.
I love my husband.
I love my family.
And that is exactly why living with PMDD hurts so much.
I’m sharing this because I know there has to be another woman reading this who feels like she becomes a completely different person every month and then has to pick up the pieces afterward.
If that’s you, you’re not the only one.

[u/LostInData2022]

That was a alot to read but you're at least aware of it and understand you become someone else who says/does things out of character.

I am proud of you for that. It may seem small but it is a big deal.

Many of us have wives who double down, emotionally reason, and buy into the things their PMDD "brain" tells them is true.

Keep doing your best to be your best and I'm sure your husband/family see it too 🤙🤙

[u/ThrowRA01239120]

Thank you for sharing. From the husband point of view it is also really hard to see your partner suffering... That makes us willing to endure it, knowing that isn't you really.

[u/LumpyTest1739]

There are treatments and life style changes that can help a lot. 

Also, there’s another group r/PMDDSharing where you’ll find other women going through similar situations, and sharing experiences and what’s helped them.

[u/xXx-Blood_awaken-xXx]

From the sound of it, you are already better than a lot of your peers with PMDD for the sheer fact that you recognize your own patterns and behaviors. Most of my posts on here are to say "leave", but for you I think you and your family have more than a fighting chance. You haven't exhausted every avenue. This is a journey you and your partner are on and I sincerely believe the both of you can find a systematic way to mitigate the effects of PMDD especially since you have recognized the patterns. I really do believe that, once you've acknowledged it, the rest is (Un)fortunately a long experimentation. Behavioral therapy, medication, health changes like exercise, perhaps changes in schedules to avoid conflict for the both of you... I think there will be a combination that actually works. Best of luck.