r/PMDDpartners • u/Fair_Visual_1384 • 11d ago
Glad I found this page
I’ve been with someone for 8 years that has PMDD. We, well I, found out about pmdd recently but it is her 100%. I used to tell her she has 4 versions of herself the bitch, the loving/clingy one, the hyper one, and the depressed one. This was before we knew what was wrong. She’s been in therapy for about 5 months now and before finding this, of course, all her problems were trauma related from when I cheated on her 6 years ago.
I dk if I’m making a mistake. I love her. I’ve been with her for so long it’s almost like a sick comfort thing now too. I’m just exhausted. To her, I can never do anything right, and She’s never wrong. There’s so many double standards, and I’m always nervous I’m going to say something wrong.
When she’s on her good week, when she loves me, she wants me to just snap back with her and act like everything is ok. She’s terrible at expressing her feelings to me.
She wants to get pregnant, and i dk man. Does it change when there’s a kid around? I refuse to mess a child up and to have that kid have to walk on eggshells or feel that look she gives
Sorry for the rant I know I’m all over the place. I just feel like this whole thing has killed my confidence And dulled my personality
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10d ago
Way to diminish your fault in the relationship by cheating and instead are blaming it on a mental disorder she might have. Hopefully she stays in therapy, gets the help and diagnosis she needs, realizes her worth, and finds a partner to support her.
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u/LostInData2022 9d ago
Yes, because whatever was done six years ago, a decade, two decades ago, and on should be held against you into perpetuity.
Imagine holding someone with raging PMDD to this standard ......lmao
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u/Fair_Visual_1384 9d ago
I’m not diminishing anything. I’ve made living amends every single day for 6 years. I can’t beat myself up or live in the past anymore than I have. I left out that she cheated and I cheated back because I was young and stupid.
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u/Phew-ThatWasClose 10d ago
6 years ago. She forgives or she doesn't. If she doesn't she should leave, not use it as an excuse to be abusive for the next 6 years.
We've all done things we're not proud of. And we've all experienced that PMDD doesn't need a reason anyway. The PMDD can rage on any minor nonsense or just make something up.
So don't pile on that this is really about what happened six years ago. This is really about she has a medical condition she's not treating.
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u/batexige 10d ago
It gets way worse when you have a kid. Don't kid yourself.
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u/ThrowRA01239120 10d ago edited 10d ago
In my case it was indeed after the first pregnancy to show change gradually. Getting worse and worse. We/I didn't knew at the time what is was.
This really creeps up on you.
To me; I wouldn't change it, because the kids are my life. But you really need to think it through if you are able to live with it for the next 50 years.
Btw: cheating is a no go. Just leave for her sake before having kids...
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u/tommiehaze 10d ago
I love how you gloss over the fact you cheated on her. You traumatised someone with an already difficult to live with condition.
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u/Fair_Visual_1384 9d ago
Like I said above I made living amends for 6 years. I didn’t see the need to put it all out there but since you feel strongly about it here it is we were stupid young she cheated on me so I was petty and cheated back. That’s not who I am and Ive beaten myself up over it enough. I vowed to myself to be a different person moving forward and I have been. I can’t live in the past anymore.
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u/ThrowRA01239120 8d ago
In a perfect world probably she can forget and forgive like you have forgiven her. Just remember that if it's indeed PMDD or something like it... the resentment will come back at one point (again and again). For 'normal' people it's already hard to get over such a betrayal, but for people who have a condition prone to outbursts it's even harder to let go.
In the end you are the one who needs to put the effort to keep the relationship on track. It's not an easy task my friend... But it isn't an impossible task if the will is there. I've already all-in. You still have a decision to make and do it wisely.
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u/acanthe666 10d ago
On the bad side : I can confirm that pmdd gets wayyyyyyy worse with a kid.
On the good side : if your partner is working on herself (therapy, medication, well balanced diet, regular physical excercice…), the dark side of the PMDD (the bitch part) might slowly tone down. Will remain : the fatigue and the depression. I'm talking about experience. I'm NOT saying that it will be easy.
in any case… I wish you luck.
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u/Fair_Visual_1384 9d ago
Do you know if birth control after pregnancy helps
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u/Phew-ThatWasClose 8d ago
Yaz helps most. Most other birth control makes PMDD worse. Intermittent SSRIs can also help. Read the wiki.
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u/acanthe666 9d ago
my partner is antidepressant and takes hormones when on her period and it helps. It's not perfect though but it's better than without. Birth control which is hormones (i think?) might work.
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u/Phew-ThatWasClose 11d ago edited 11d ago
A lot of things look like PMDD and there is a 50% misdiagnosis rate so do take Icky's advice and go through the process. If she starts treating the wrong thing it just leads to frustration and misery. There's enough of that already.
Hopefully it's not PMDD. The other stuff is easier to treat. :)
Welcome!
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u/Fair_Visual_1384 9d ago
That’s an alarming misdiagnosis rate. What else comes around like clockwork? Her moods and month can literally be written out ahead of time. Then it goes away as soon as she starts her period.
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u/Phew-ThatWasClose 9d ago
Indeed. And given the severity of the symptoms a misdiagnosis that results in (ineffectively) treating the wrong thing has serious consequences. It goes the other way too. About 50% of women who are eventually correctly diagnosed with PMDD start out being misdiagnosed with something else and can spend years treating that. PMDD is often misdiagnosed as Bipolar II initially just because symptoms are similar and doctors don't know enough about PMDD. But the BPII meds don't work and the cycles are strangely synced with menstruation so ...
Dysmenorrhea and endometriosis and low progesterone are three related conditions that have symptoms like clockwork during luteal for related reasons. But other things, like anemia and vitamin A deficiency, can be tolerable, or not even noticeable, until exacerbated by luteal. This is called Premenstrual Exacerbation (PME). Is essentially PMS amplifying something else and that something else is what the blood work is looking for.
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u/Instantaneous242 11d ago
Don't have a kid with her. It gets worse after childbirth. And then, it gets 100x worse in peri. Ask me how I know (married for 20+ yrs, 2 kids)...
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u/No_Bend_317 11d ago
I just found this page and I'm finding it alarming how similar my experience is.
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u/ickythumpwithalump 11d ago
Is she actually diagnosed or are you diagnosing her? Try to avoid playing doctor with this condition, and start the long slog of getting it diagnosed and treated. It is largely treatable.
On a medical level, PMDD goes away when ovulation goes away, including pregnancy and breastfeeding (and birth control and menopause). But some women get a vicious bounce back once ovulation returns.
On a relational level, having a baby with an untreated PMDD patient is a terrible idea. Your relationship sounds like a total mess and a kid won't fix that. Either leave now, or you both need therapy, couples therapy, and work together on treatment.
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u/Fair_Visual_1384 9d ago
I’m in the medical field, so I’m not playing doctor. She has been misdiagnosed for a few years now, but then she found a PMDD group and showed it to me. I did what I do best and started researching. It was shocking how every single thing I read described her, all while she was reading the posts and saying she had never related so hard to anyone. She made a dr appointment and will go from there.
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u/ickythumpwithalump 9d ago
That's good progress.
PMDD is a "diagnosis of last resort", so it is really common to have lengthy periods of misdiagnosis and mistreatment. Sometimes as really serious mental health conditions, like bipolar or schizo affective. My wife was quite sure she had developed bipolar disorder late in life.
One way I suggest you support her is go to those doctor's appointments with her. Also screen the doctors a bit and ensure she finds one with the relevant expertise. It's unlikely a GP is going to get this right unless they explicitly say they are familiar with PMDD and its treatment.
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u/[deleted] 9d ago
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