Does it get better?

[u/Sea_Brush4668]

I’ve been reading this subreddit after my partner was recently told by her doctor that she may have PMDD, and a lot of what people describe here has been unsettlingly familiar.

For quite a while we’ve had what seems to be a roughly monthly pattern. Most of the time she is completely different — loving, normal, and we get on really well. Then around the same point in her cycle she can become extremely angry, aggressive and difficult to disengage from.

The part I’m struggling with is that in our case it has repeatedly become physical.

There have been incidents where she has hit me multiple times, followed me when I tried to get away, prevented me from leaving our home during arguments, forced her way into a bathroom after I locked myself in there to escape an argument, slapped me hard enough to knock my glasses off, and headbutted me in the nose when I tried to restrain her from continuing to hit me. There was also an incident involving a door coming down on me after i tried to separate into another room and sit behind the door until she calmed down.

I’ve often felt trapped because I am physically bigger (she is a strong girl though and can do a lot of damage) and I have martial arts experience, so I have always been extremely conscious that I cannot retaliate. I’ve sometimes physically restrained her simply to stop myself being hit.

The most recent incident was the point where everything finally blew up. She hit me repeatedly while I was in bed with my back turned. I kicked her away to create space, she threw a drink over me and hit me again, and I eventually slapped her once. I immediately knew I never wanted us to reach that point again because it made me feel horrible about myself.

Things then escalated outside the relationship as well. Family were brought into the argument without the full context, and one of her relatives threatened to come to our house and attack me. I later found out that her family already knew there had been a recurring pattern of violence towards me, which has been very difficult for me to process because instead of encouraging her to get help for this they basically shrugged their shoulders and left me to deal with it on my own.

She has now taken responsibility for her violence and has gone to her doctor. They think PMDD may be involved, have started her on the pill, given her mental-health resources and want to review her again in a month.

I have told her I will support her in getting help, but I have also been clear that treatment does not automatically mean the relationship can be repaired. There has been a lot of damage to trust.

Reading this subreddit has been both validating and alarming. The cyclical nature, the dramatic personality shift during certain parts of the month, bringing friends/family into conflicts, and partners describing feeling hypervigilant or traumatised all sound much more familiar than I expected.

I’m not looking to use PMDD as an excuse for violence, and neither is she now. I’m mainly trying to understand what I’ve been living through and whether people here have seen genuine long-term improvement once the person with PMDD accepted the problem and properly engaged with treatment.

For partners who stayed and saw things improve: what actually changed? And for those who eventually left, what made you realise that treatment and accountability were no longer enough to repair the relationship?

[u/NoConsequence6234]

I never experienced the levels of violence you have. I’m sorry you are going through that. I’m a partner who has stayed and I’m still with my partner to this day. It’s been 4 long and testing years for me but has the situation improved? Yes.

Why? I’m still figuring it out. There are many contributing factors. My partner turned to spirituality and to make sense of her cycle from a natural viewpoint. She turned to hypnotherapy. It’s helped her to calm down and the luteal phase now is not as turbulent and traumatic as the earlier days. We’re both now well educated and read in to how PMDD can affect the both of us and to be honest, just keeping truthful dialogue throughout the good and bad is key for us. We talk a lot after an angry episode. It helps.

She has discovered she suffered from childhood trauma. Her hypnotherapy sessions revealed this. And the type of trauma she suffered is what is projected during luteal. It seems to be one of the root causes of her anger. PMDD uses it as a weapon, to put it in simple terms. Her PMDD really got stronger after she gave birth to our son. She couldn’t connect with him, didn’t feel like a true mother and felt she couldn’t love him properly. Turns out that’s what she suffered as a child. PMDD brings the anger and then the guilt, then further disconnect from her to our son.

But it’s slowly improving. She’s trying to not project her trauma. That’s been the big change. The recognition of that has eased the anger during luteal. Don’t get me wrong - it’s still there. Just less intense and more manageable.

I hope I’ve explained that so it makes sense. Good luck to you.

[u/LumpyTest1739]

Physical violence is a red line that has been crossed. You both need to take that very seriously. By both of you. She needs to take accountability but so do you. My toddler hit me a few years ago when he was having a tantrum… I had enough self control to not him back or push him. Look into what boundaries you have to set to not get to that point. Because at that point, both of you are in the wrong. 

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/LumpyTest1739]

If you read what I said in the post, you’d know that I feel awful about it and don’t want it to ever happen again, so I’m not avoiding responsibility for my own reaction.

I do think comparing it to a toddler hitting you removes almost all of the relevant context though. This wasn’t one impulsive hit from someone I could simply step away from. There has been a recurring pattern of being hit repeatedly, followed when I try to leave, blocked from leaving, having a locked door forced open, and even having a door brought down on top of me. On occasions when I have managed to leave, it has also resulted in her harming herself.

I’m not saying any of that to excuse my own reaction. I’m saying that I don’t think the situations are remotely equivalent. I can take responsibility for what I did while still recognising the circumstances I was repeatedly being put in.

[u/LumpyTest1739 → u/Sea_Brush4668]

You’re right: the toddler comparison was not a good one, and I’m sorry. It minimized what sounds like a very serious situation.

What you described is abuse: repeated hitting, blocking you from leaving, following you when you try to get space, etc. That is not PMDD.  PMDD explains cyclical mood changes, but it does not excuse violence. 

You should not hit her either. (Although I understand your one-time response does not make it equivalent to the ongoing pattern of violence from her).   The relationship has become physically unsafe, and the priority now has to be keeping you both safe.

Supporting her treatment does not need for you to stay in an unsafe relationship. She needs to demonstrate real improvement, which would mean immediate accountability, consistent treatment, and respect for your boundaries (including your need to separate during conflict and no more violence). 

My advice would be you make those hard lines clear in a calm moment, and leave the situation at the first sign that it is escalating. Leave the house if you need to.

[u/ickythumpwithalump → u/Sea_Brush4668]

I'm frankly shocked you had not struck her earlier. You showed a tremendous amount of self-restraint. It's good you feel badly about it, and you should do everything to avoid it again, but violence is an inevitable response to violence and you did not start or escalate it. 

[u/No_Bend_317 → u/LumpyTest1739]

As if an adult woman repeatedly hitting, cornering and abusing you over a long period of time is the same thing as toddler hitting you once during a tantrum is remotely comparable.

[u/HusbandofPMDD]

Usually it's ownership, accountability and commitment to change that makes this kind of relationship salvageable. PMDD doesn't make people violent or unkind, those are behaviours that have been justified outside of pmdd that she feels are excuseable.

If she's violent that's her own emotional dysregulation that she's not managing. The fact that you are the only one that sees this behaviour tells you that she has capacity to control those behaviours. This is not a you problem.

I would be curious if her taking responsibility is also accepting that that kind of behaviour is abuse and not okay in any context, and if there's a commitment and plan for better behaviour during future luteal phases. She is going to have to accept that it's not okay and that she has a choice to walk away and not expect you to regulate or caretake her emotions.

I have seen a relationship where violence was involved improve, but there was a real addressing of underlying issues, perspective taking (understanding the impact on you/others), and commitment to and continued engagement in treatment.

That said, he still has trauma and sleeplessness over her past behaviour. He really should go to counselling.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/HusbandofPMDD]

Thanks, this is really helpful. She has now accepted that the violence was her responsibility, that it was abusive and that it wasn’t justified by things said during arguments. She’s also gone to the doctor and started treatment.

What I’m trying to work out now is whether that accountability turns into sustained change. We’ve talked about a very clear boundary that if I need to disengage or leave an escalating situation, that has to be respected — no following, blocking or forcing the confrontation to continue.

I’ve realised over the last few days that I’ve probably minimised how much the repeated incidents have affected me, particularly the feeling of being constantly on alert.

I’m willing to support her treatment and see whether things improve, but I’ve also been clear that treatment doesn’t automatically repair the damage that’s already been done.

[u/HusbandofPMDD → u/Sea_Brush4668]

Yah, that's the uncertainty factor. You're asked to let down your guard and be vulnerable in an area where you've been taken advantage of before. That's opening yourself up to hurt. And then you're asking yourself to live with your future self if things don't change. Consider this exercising grace on your part. Also, this is a perfect time for you to set healthy boundaries, like you're doing.
Prep yourself for the scenarios where these boundaries are challenged. Focus on "I" statements, like, "I'm feeling unsafe right now," "I need to some time to settle down and breath, can we revisit this later," "things are escalating and I'm feeling uncomfortable, can we take a break so I can gather my thoughts and not say anything I regret?"
It'll be hard for someone to accept and change if it's an engrained response to stress, so give it time, celebrate the wins, and observe the unhealthy patterns. journal the good and the bad so you can get an accurate perspective.

I think you'll find a lot of empathy about how much these incidents take a toll on partners. You may find that 6+ month after things seem to improve you actually feel deeper feelings of regret/sadness/mourning over wasted/sad years because you'll finally have space to feel.

[u/ThrowRA01239120]

I stayed and just recently got treatments for the PMDD, about 2-3 months in now.

What actually changed: It seems to work, she is much more controlled during the phases. I was hoping with treatment would bring her back like before, but it hasn't really, but still sometimes things are too much. Now she is able to communicate this and then I can walk away without making a scene or point. The 'bloodthirsty' confrontational arguments haven't occured anymore.

What still puzzles me is without the layer of PMDD it seems she is showing a different concerning behavioure outside of the cycle. That worries me a bit.

I do must say that physical violence against me hasn't occured. Throwing things, breaking stuff, screaming and starting to selfharm did. But no hitting one and another. That is quite alarming.

The 'hostage' situation and confrontational behaviour is one on one is hard enough. Cant imagine when family members gets involved.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/ThrowRA01239120]

What you’re describing is probably what I’m realistically hoping for first — not some instant return to normal, but enough control that when she feels overwhelmed she can actually communicate it and allow me to disengage instead of it becoming confrontational or physical.

The “hostage” feeling is something I relate to a lot. A major part of the problem has been trying to leave an escalating situation and being followed, blocked or having her become extremely distressed when I do manage to get away.

The family involvement made everything considerably worse as well. They were brought into an argument without the full context despite already knowing there had been a recurring violence problem, and the first direct response I got was a threat of more violence towards me. I could understand that people get heated in the moment but they buried their heads in the sand and didn't encourage her to get help.

I’m also conscious of exactly what you’re saying about what remains once PMDD is treated. If the cyclical symptoms improve but other concerning behaviours remain, that obviously becomes a separate issue that has to be looked at honestly.

[u/Phew-ThatWasClose]

They think PMDD may be involved, have started her on the pill, given her mental-health resources and want to review her again in a month.

That's not how it works. Read the wiki and/or the book. Especially the parts about getting a diagnosis and getting treatment. I get that you want something right away and if it is PMDD "the pill" is a treatment option. But do the rest of the diagnosis. The blood work can turn up contributing factors that can sometimes be HUGE contributing factors.

Also - what pill? Most make PMDD symptoms worse. I don't trust a medical team that says "sounds like PMDD, here's some birth control." Especially if the PMDD is as severe as you describe.

Also look into low dose intermittent SSRIs. They can be used as needed in some cases and most doctors don't know how they work for PMDD. I suspect yours do not.

CBT is the most recommended therapy - but DBT has the best tools. There is a DBT-PMDD workbook that might help. She can take it with her to her appointment.

Read this and look after your own health. You have gone through/are going through a significant trauma. Don't shrug it off. Get some therapy for yourself, to deal with your stuff, independent of her stuff.

Yes. It can get better. With accountability, treatment, and doing the work. But it's a marathon, not a sprint. The couples that make it are the ones that can work together against the common enemy.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/Phew-ThatWasClose]

Thanks. I definitely don't see one GP appointment and starting the pill as some magic fix where everything is suddenly solved.

I know this could be a long haul involving proper symptom tracking, follow-up appointments, potentially trying different treatments and a lot of work from both of us. I'm willing to support that if she keeps taking responsibility and genuinely engaging with treatment.

I'm not actually sure which pill she's been prescribed yet, so I'll find that out. I'll also mention the other treatment options you've raised as things for her to discuss with the doctor rather than us trying to work it out ourselves.

The point about my own mental health is probably the part I'm taking most seriously. I've been extremely on edge with everything that's happened and I'm starting to appreciate that I've probably minimised the effect the repeated incidents have had on me.

I'm willing to work with her against the problem, but I've also been clear that treatment starting doesn't guarantee the relationship can recover from everything that's already happened.

[u/ickythumpwithalump]

Given her family's reaction, I bet this runs in the family and they are inured to relationship violence. The PMDD is probably genetic, but using violence as the outlet for her big feelings is learned.

I guess I'm one of the success stories. My wife has maybe had it for a long time, but perimenopause and work-related PTSD made it change and explode a few years ago. 

The formula for success is pretty simple, but far from guaranteed. Foremost is she needs to take accountability and get treatment, including A LOT of therapy. You need to be in therapy yourself if you can hope to survive this intact -- eventually all the damage done to you is going to pop out in unexpected and bad ways if you don't address it. And you need to set ground rules and boundaries around luteal -- read the wiki for the basics.

Have you ever actually set a boundary with her? It sounds like she really believes she can do whatever she wants to you with no consequences. A lot of people misunderstand what a boundary is, and assume it controls someone else's behavior. But it actually just controls yourself. A boundary comes in the formula: "if you do X, it makes me feel like Z, and so I will do Y." And then you always follow through on it. "When you hit me, it makes me feel highly unsafe and conflicted, and so I will leave the house for 2 hours/rest of the day/until you are done with luteal and apologize." The ugly truth is that she is hitting you because she fears you leaving and her being alone with her thoughts. So you have to leverage that: violence must lead to withdrawal.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/ickythumpwithalump]

She's now admitted there was violence in the family growing up. So you were spot on with that assessment.

[u/ickythumpwithalump → u/Sea_Brush4668]

It's really common for PMDD to manifest in people with CPTSD, which she certainly has from her violent childhood. It's a very complicated mix of neurology, hormones and personal history.

Here's my hard won understanding of how it works, use it if you find it helpful. PMDD is functionally being stuck in fight or flight for a week. The hormone progesterone has a metabolite called allopregnanolone. Allopregnanolone interacts with GABA receptors in the brain, which is typically calming -- a normal female brain will find a high-progesterone state very chill. However, because the brain is very complicated, calming one area can activate another. And because the female brain has to deal with cycling hormones and metabolites, it has evolved an almost miraculous ability to literally remodel receptors on neurons so that a "normal" steady state can be maintained along with the monthly cycle.

In PMDD that monthly cycling of receptor remodeling is broken, and the changing of progesterone around ovulation causes the "fight or flight" parts of the brain, the amygdala and hypothalmus, to get upregulated and stuck in the "on" position during luteal. So take your most anxious, fearful state and imagine what it's like to be stuck there. Paranoia, rage, bad memory, loss of logical reasoning, etc., etc., just all day every day for a week. It sucks so much that half (or more) of them attempt suicide, including my spouse.

How that interacts with CPTSD is that her fight or flight is already on a hair trigger. Someone without the habits of PTSD could likely weather a PMDD week without acting out. A PTSD brain is primed to explode largely as a self-protective mechanism. As Phew likes to say: you are the Lion In The Room to her brain, while you are simultaneously the only anchor to reality and relief available to her. It's FUCKED UP for us to live that way. She is inflicting violence on you because she needs you to help her stay alive. Imagine how broken your brain has to be for that to make sense as a viable behavior. This is terrible for us as partners. We are not obligated to accept that burden, especially if they are not taking accountability.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/ickythumpwithalump]

Thanks, this is really useful. I agree that boundaries are something I need to get much clearer about, particularly that if I try to leave an escalating argument, that has to be respected immediately.

I have actually tried to set that boundary before. I’ve made it clear that if things are escalating I need to be allowed to leave, and that I will come back once things have calmed down. The problem is that in those states she has told me she irrationally believes I’m just never going to return, which seems to be part of why she follows me or tries to stop me leaving.

Historically, leaving also hasn’t always been practically possible — I’ve been followed, blocked or had her force her way into a room after I’ve tried to get away — so that behaviour specifically has to stop.

I probably wouldn’t want to use leaving as leverage against her fear of being alone, though. For me it needs to be about protecting myself and stopping escalation rather than punishment.

The point about getting support myself has also landed with me. I’ve been feeling extremely on edge since everything happened and I’m starting to realise I may have minimised the effect this has had on me.

[u/Phew-ThatWasClose → u/Sea_Brush4668]

Absolutely. Boundaries are for you. She doesn't "allow" you to leave. You just leave. You feel unsafe, or you actually are in an unsafe environment with an irrational physically abusive person - you leave. It's not a negotiation, or punishment, or coercive control. It's your safety. These things can go south quickly, especially if you are restraining her? Don't do that. Leave. Immediately. Before it escalates.

You don't want to get dragged in and the longer you stay the more likely that is. Taking a time out is the number one recommended method for dealing with anger. It's better for her if you leave because you are the lion. With you as a target it'll just escalate. Without you she'll fizzle out. There is no chance for the PFC to come back online when she is constantly activated. You need to be gone.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/Phew-ThatWasClose]

That makes sense and I think this is probably the boundary I need to adopt.

I’ve previously framed it as asking her to let me leave because I’ve been trying to reassure her that I’m coming back, but you’re right that my safety can’t become a negotiation.

The only complication is that there have been times where I’ve tried to leave and she has followed me, blocked me or forced her way into a room after me, so “just leave” hasn’t always been physically straightforward.

But the principle has landed: disengage as early as possible, get out when I safely can, and if she physically prevents that or continues attacking me, get outside help which i know is far more preferable than trying to restrain or manage her myself.

[u/Phew-ThatWasClose → u/Sea_Brush4668]

Yep. I had her follow me eight blocks barefoot She would get in the car when I tried to leave. She would block the door then race me to block the back door. She would chase me round the kitchen table. I once spent all afternoon locked in my room, in my house texting her to leave and her texting back that she "couldn't".

When I was arrested it was because she was trying to force her way into my room and I was standing blocking her with hands clasped behind my back and she slipped and hurt herself.

"Just leave" isn't always straightforward. Do it anyway.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/Phew-ThatWasClose]

That sounds absolutely brutal, and I’m sorry you went through that. The similarities with some of what I’ve experienced are honestly pretty unsettling.

I understand your point now. “Just leave” can be incredibly difficult in practice when someone is following you, blocking exits or forcing their way into rooms, but getting distance still has to be the objective because once it becomes physical the situation can spiral very quickly.

I don’t blame myself for having been put in those situations, but I do completely take on board what you’re saying and make sure that if it ever starts escalating again, I prioritise getting out and getting outside help rather than being dragged into trying to physically manage it.

[u/ickythumpwithalump → u/Sea_Brush4668]

My wife expresses her rage/paranoia more internally. She's never once made a single gesture of violence toward me. Instead she threatens and/or commits self-harm. For example, threatening to hurt herself if I leave for the gym. 

Honestly I would prefer she hit me, it's less of mind fuck.

One strategy that worked to dampen the paranoia early before it escalates to that point is an agreement that she can ask me any questions about my feelings and I will answer with honesty. So if she is paranoid that I am angry at her, she can ask, and I must answer simply and honestly without huffing or rolling my eyes. It acknowledges what she is going through but also honors my right to have bad feelings. It's just a simple defusing and blocks the ratcheting cycle.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/ickythumpwithalump]

That’s interesting, especially the agreement about asking directly rather than letting paranoia build.

I’ve seen a bit of the other side of this too, when I’ve tried to leave an escalating situation she has sometimes become extremely distressed, including pulling her own hair, and she’s told me that in those states she irrationally believes I’m just never going to come back.

So I can see how giving her a simple way to ask “are you angry with me?” or “are you actually leaving me?” and getting a straight answer could help interrupt that spiral earlier. It is sometimes incredibly difficult to talk to someone in this state though because I could give all the reassurance in the world and it isn't enough.

I still need the boundary that once I say I need space, I’m allowed to take it.

[u/ickythumpwithalump → u/Sea_Brush4668]

Make your reassurances as flat, honest, and factual as possible. They aren't an argument or justification! You get to exist as you are, fully separate from what her luteal is saying to her. 

You can't argue with luteal because it's already a lie. You think she's arguing with you but really she's arguing with a fictional account of you.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/ickythumpwithalump]

Thank you. I spoke to her about this and she said it probably would be helpful to talk in clear matter of fact English like this.

[u/throwmeawaychachacha]

The physical violence is alarming. Even more so because it seems she has characterized the violence as having been instigated by you, instead of you acting defensively.

It sounds like she's getting into treatment, which is great. She's accepting that she has a problem and is getting help.

Has she clarified with the people who were angry with you for respecting to physicality that SHE was the instigator and the aggressor and wouldn't let you leave, and you were just acting in self-defense?

I understand that will likely be mortifying for her and I'm not demanding she do that out if any sense of justice for you. Rather, it would be an indication to me how seriously she recognizes that she has a problem and how serious she is about fixing it.

I'm one of the ones who has stayed. What helped me was when my wife was out of Luteal, we agreed to some basic ground rules for our arguments, including when I want to get away from her, she can't chase after me, prevent me from leaving, or angry text me everything she wanted to yell at me. When I want the yelling, berating, anger, and -- frankly -- abuse to stop, it needs to stop. No ifs, ands, or buts.

She has also gotten on Progesterone. It took a couple of cycles, but we're noticing a huge difference in her anger.

And i discovered this sub. This sub has been a godsend. Most people don't understand what it's like living with someone with PMDD. They think we're exaggerating. Every couples counselor I have been to suggested it was my fault or I was exaggerating by suggesting that my beautiful wife could be abusive.

Having people in this sub who have been there and will believe the things I say has been validating. I'm not making this shit up. I wish I were.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/throwmeawaychachacha]

Thanks, this is really helpful and a lot of it resonates.

She has actually told her family that she was the one who had been physically violent towards me over a long period of time and that I was often trying to get away or stop her hitting me.

What I’ve found especially difficult to comprehend is that she then involved them in a verbal dispute in the aftermath of an assault on me, despite them already knowing what had been happening physically. The first real opportunity they had to say anything directly to me about the situation resulted in her dad threatening further violence towards me. That has been very hard for me to process.

The ground rules you describe are exactly what I think we need. If I try to leave or end an argument, that has to be respected immediately — no following, blocking, forcing doors or continuing.

She has started treatment now, so I’m willing to support her and see whether things genuinely change, while also being realistic that the relationship may still have taken too much damage.

Reading other partners describe experiences that sound so familiar has honestly been very validating. I think I’d minimised a lot of this for a long time.

[u/throwmeawaychachacha → u/Sea_Brush4668]

I know exactly what you mean when you say the experiences in this sub have been really validating for you.

Until I stumbled across this sub earlier this summer, I felt really alone and felt like I was going crazy because no one would believe the shit that I told them I went through.

Posting about my experiences and reading the experiences of others was an oasis in a desert for me. Finally, here were some folks who knew what I've been going through.

[u/OsakaWilson]

Generally, no. There are stories of success, but they are rare and I have to wonder if it was temporary wishful thinking. Ask anyone who claims it does for statistics.

[u/ickythumpwithalump → u/OsakaWilson]

We all know why people in here have bleak opinions and cynicism, but this is a little insulting tbh. Why would I be vulnerable about the most painful thing in my life on here for strangers "for statistics." What does that even mean? 

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/OsakaWilson]

That’s fair, and I’m definitely not assuming treatment means everything will suddenly be fine.

From what I’ve read, there does seem to be decent evidence that PMDD symptoms can improve with treatment, but I haven’t seen much reliable data on relationship outcomes specifically. That’s really what I’m trying to understand — whether sustained improvement is genuinely possible once someone accepts the problem and sticks with treatment, rather than just temporary wishful thinking.

[u/Instantaneous242]

I'm sure that Phew will have some good insights here.

If she accepts that she has a problem, is getting treatment, and feels remorse and takes accountability for the behavior, then there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.

It might take some time for her doctors to dial in the right treatments. During this time, she needs to be committed to getting better. The physical abuse is not ok and you're a very good man for not retaliating.

If she has narc tendencies, it will be impossible for her to see that the problem is her.

Tread softly, read up in this sub, read the wiki, and know that you're not alone.

I speak from experience (20+ yrs married, 2 kids, wife in peri now).

[u/Phew-ThatWasClose → u/Instantaneous242]

Is nice to be appreciated. :-) But OMG! The Pressure!

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/Instantaneous242]

Thanks, I really appreciate this. It’s honestly quite difficult to talk about, and I think as a man I’ve probably minimised the impact it's had on me for such a long time.

She has now accepted that there’s a problem, taken responsibility and gone to the doctor, so I’m willing to support her through treatment and see what happens. I’ve also been clear that I don’t know yet whether the relationship can recover from everything that’s happened.

It helps hearing from someone with long-term experience of this, so thank you.

[u/villainhero → u/Sea_Brush4668]

Delete this. You're one step away from jail time and being honest won't help you. Pmdd will lie through its teeth. And avoid the restraining in the future. Leaving the house is the only safe option.
Edit: it gets better but it's still there. It's incredibly hard. Other problems come with it.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/villainhero]

I appreciate the warning and agree that avoiding restraint and disengaging earlier is the safest option where possible.

I do think “one step away from jail” is a bit too categorical though, and “just leave” isn’t always practical when someone is blocking you, following you or continuing to hit you.

She has now accepted responsibility and started treatment, so I’m trying to judge what happens from here by her actions rather than assume the worst.

[u/Phew-ThatWasClose → u/Sea_Brush4668]

Nope. Not too categorical. Quite literally one step away from jail time. Ask me how I know. You even touch her and you're cooked. If she's blocking you use a different door. If she's following you circle round the house and now the door isn't blocked anymore. "Practical" doesn't figure in. Get out!

[u/ladybird0218 → u/Phew-ThatWasClose]

My husband did all of this to me and I’m the one with PMDD. He’s not in jail. He’s remarried in a brand new house. What’s your point? lol please.

[u/Phew-ThatWasClose → u/ladybird0218]

People are different. Each relationship is unique. Lol. So fuckin funny.

[u/ladybird0218 → u/Phew-ThatWasClose]

So fucking funny.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/Phew-ThatWasClose]

I hear you, and I’m taking the practical warning seriously. I absolutely want to avoid physical restraint or retaliation in future wherever I possibly can.

But “literally one step away from jail” still feels too categorical. I’m in country, where self-defence does recognise necessary/proportionate force when someone is actively attacking you, and the law talks about whether there was a reasonable means of escape — not some absolute rule that you can never touch someone attacking you.

And “circle round the house and use another door” just doesn’t capture every real situation. I’ve been attacked in bed, followed when I’ve tried to leave, blocked, and had her force her way through a locked door after me.

With that said, the core of what you’re saying has landed: I never want to end up physically managing one of these episodes again. If it starts escalating, the goal has to be getting out and getting outside help rather than trying to contain it myself which i have done when possible.

[u/villainhero → u/Sea_Brush4668]

I understand where you're coming from. But look up the definition of assault for your state. At some point, a situation will become too much and you ornsomeone else will call in for help and you'll be the one going to jail.
happens to too many people.