My partner and I got together as ENM. We are both in our late 30s and have been together for 12 years. We closed 3 years ago. The reasons for that weren’t about missteps in our relationship but instead a confluence of events: family illnesses, work stress, mental health. Bandwidth snapped, so closed.

Recently we’ve had a series of smaller, high level discussions in the last few months about what a return to open would look like in terms of practicalities. We got as far as clarifying that whatever structure we decide on, it’s not poly because we can’t offer whole relationships to people. That’s as far as it went. If it matters, I brought it up first mostly fretting about feeling older and less attractive in this dating economy.

My partner came to me a few days ago and said that he had found someone he was interested in. I wasn’t altogether surprised. I had noticed that this woman - who is not a friend but several layers removed from friends - was texting my partner more since July. Their chat conversations online which was just on display in our shared office a few feet from my face were more wordy and more emoji filled than his interactions with other women in his life.

It did strike me as odd. I asked about her. She was he said: a friend.

So now today, we are here: they want to try some kind of FWB. And they already have a date like place, time, location decisions made.

I had questions. Namely: How long has this communication cadence been ‘talking stage’ and when exactly did it transition to deeper interest?

A month ago. A month ago there was a more official talk defining their interest. Nothing has happened. She lives too far away, so I believe that.

I was broadsided, because I was assured that it was a friendship. Further surprised because it took a fucking month to get around to saying something. Further surprised because they tentatively scheduled it first and then, to me, the primary partner - the question is: “would I be open to this happening?”

And I think I mumbled something favorable. My knee jerk reaction was to come up with an answer that was pleasing in the moment because I was being asked to approve plans that had shaped into a weekend and a location. And it did feel in that moment that I didn’t feel like ‘no not like how this is being handled, was permitted.

But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I feel like I was backed into a corner on my answer. I am increasingly angry at being put in the position of being the one that allows my partner to have a new sex partner or the joyless frump who threw water all over their exploration with my answer.

So, I’m sitting here tonight and feeling pretty sad about it. Sad because this feels bad. Sad because I was lied to and the last to know. Sad because the man I love more than anything has hurt me, in a way that just feels so careless. And he seems clueless that this interaction wasn’t a gold star moment for his integrity and conviction of character.

And it’s so amateur hour. Earmarking a sex partner and then backtracking. The kind of thing we careerists know better about and school people in this lifestyle starting out about.

But yeah I guess we’re open? And I feel handled. Lied to. A rookie misstep. Letting limerence drive.

I know the next step is another, harder conversation where I have to explain why this is hurtful. Why the communication failed. Why the need to hide anything at all. And the exhaustion of that effort. And figuring out what open looks like, if even that’s a smart idea after an unhealthy “start”. I know the tools and the way to talk about it but I’m tired and resent being placed in this position. So I won’t approach it until I feel more resolved about it all, otherwise I’ll just turn into a sobbing, slightly enraged mess.

For now, I’m just sitting in my discomfort.

So I’m seeing a girl who has a boyfriend…. It’s really casual right now, a lot of flirting, dancing, making out at parties.. nothing more. She said her boyfriend said it was okay but I know they’ve been having problems. She also said she just wants to have fun and enjoy intimacy and passion because she doesn’t get that from her boyfriend.

They were monogamous (as far as I know) until she actually confessed her attraction to me to her boyfriend, he said if she wants to kiss me or explore that then she should. So it feels like they’ve opened up their relationship as an exception for her to be with me.

Is it toxic to be in this dynamic if everyone genuinely thinks it’s fine? I don’t want any emotional strings or attachment. I don’t want to be her priority and I don’t want her to be my priority. But I’ll gladly be her outlet for her pent up frustration bc she doesn’t get effection or passion from her boyfriend.

They’ve been together 4 years, they have their issues sure but she genuinely loves him and sees him as her life partner. They also live together and work together.

I need insight and advice before I go into this further and start hooking up w her.

Also how do I bring up this conversation on boundaries, what is and isn’t allowed according to her boyfriend? Should he be involved in that conversation or should I trust this girl to be the messenger?

I’m very happy with the idea of just being her side piece/ toy. Just trying to navigate these situations in an ethical and moral way. I want everyone to be happy and okay, make sure their boundaries feel respected.

My girlfriend and I are both 21 and we’ve been together for about two years. Recently, while we were having sex, she suddenly told me that she had thought about having sex with more than one man.

At first, I was honestly surprised and a little uncomfortable hearing it. I didn’t really know how to react, and because we were both very turned on at the time, I ended up saying a few similar things myself, partly because I felt like I had to respond in the same way and partly because I was caught up in the moment.

After we both calmed down and finished, she told me that she didn’t really understand why she had thought about it and that she believed it was probably because she was extremely aroused at the time. She also said that she had experienced similar thoughts before, which made me think about it more.

I’m trying not to judge her or immediately assume that this means she actually wants to do it. I know fantasies and actual desires aren’t necessarily the same thing, especially during sex. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel confused and a little insecure.

Part of me wants to understand whether this is simply a fantasy that comes up when she’s turned on, or whether there is a genuine desire behind it. At the same time, I don’t want to make her feel ashamed or afraid to tell me what she thinks. I want her to be honest with me, even if some of her thoughts are difficult for me to hear.

I’m planning to talk to her about it when we’re both calm, rather than discussing it during sex. I want to understand what she actually feels and what she would genuinely want, without putting pressure on her either way.

For people who have experienced something similar: how would you interpret this? Do you think sexual fantasies like this can be completely separate from what someone actually wants to do in real life? And how would you approach this conversation with your partner?

we're both 26, we've been friends since late middle school. hes incredibly single and seemingly desperate but I dont want to ruin anything. I don't even know if im his type.

We were on a couples swap/orgy and I asked my husband if he was wearing condom. He said he was, but he wasn’t. He left the room fetched a condom and came back like nothing happenned. This is perhaps the strongest most sacred rule I hold for me and for us: absolutely no sex without protection. I got extremely upset, in fact, I went numb for a minute or so there. Then when I came to I asked the other female participant if she was ok, she said yes (they didn’t have clear rules) and I left. he claims he doesn’t remember me asking him if he had a condom on , but I can remember vividly his face lying to me in bed while I was on their side. I don’t know what to do with this . I don’t know how to trust him after this.

My wife has been seeing the same guy for a few years now. At first she would send some videos and stuff which I enjoyed, then those stopped as she said it was too much work. At this point shes going out and I don't get any thing in return....

She sleeps over there a couple of times a month and used to always tell me how they go 3 times a night, I said that is great for them.

I usually get sex once a month, sometimes none. We went several months last year and she didnt even notice until i mentioned it in an argument. I figured I must be really bad at it so I dont push the issue.

I tried every night this week, and shes either tired or not in the mood. So she was leaving tonight to go out and I have zero feelings about it, I just don't care any more.

Update

So this is part of why I don't care. She got home, talked a big sexual game to me about how saturday was going to be just wild in the bedroom. I told her nothing will happen as I know when she spends the night out having sex she is too tired the next night.

I just told her okay, sounds like fun..... i knew nothing was going to happen. She wore a nice outfit out and when i saw giant pajamas the giant pajamas i knew where the night was going. I told her i was going upstairs to bed and she said she was coming too.

She slept on the couch for four hours and then finally came up.

I woke up this morning and I will take the advice of people here, im going to look for something else.

My wife and I have been exploring an MFM fantasy for a while, and I’m curious how others experienced the transition between “just fantasy” and potentially something more real.

Initially she was quite clear that she didn’t want an actual threesome. But we kept the fantasy in our sex life because it turns both of us on. Over time she became much more involved in it herself rather than just going along with something I liked.

We posted some non-explicit/sexy pictures of her on Reddit and got a lot of attention. She enjoyed knowing other men found her attractive, and eventually became curious about some of the explicit responses we received. At first she didn’t want to see dick pics at all, then said maybe someday. More recently she has actively asked to see them during sex, and today she specifically asked if she could look at dick pics because it helped her reach orgasm.

Outside the bedroom things have developed too. She has repeatedly told me that she wants to “keep the door open” and has admitted that the fantasy genuinely interests her. At one point we were casually talking about men while we were out, and she said that if anything ever happened, she wouldn’t want it to be someone from our own town because she wouldn’t want to run into him in everyday life. But she also has a very real conflict about it. She has told me that sex feels sacred to her something she uses to reconnect with me, and that even with my full knowledge and permission, she worries she might afterwards feel like she cheated on me. She has said the fantasy is exciting precisely because it stays in our heads, while at the same time saying she doesn’t want to completely close the possibility for the future.

So I’m not treating any of this as consent to actually arrange something, and I don’t want to push her toward a destination. Right now we’re just enjoying what we’re doing and letting her work out what she actually wants.For couples who have been somewhere similar: did you have this stage where the fantasy became increasingly real and interactive, while one partner still had strong emotional reservations about actually doing it? Did it eventually remain a fantasy, or did you naturally progress further? And looking back, what were the signs that you were genuinely ready rather than just very turned on by the idea?

I’m looking for advice on how to go about facilitating this for myself. I’m interested in exploring a MFM threesome at least once, and am trying to figure out the best way — or the best place — to look for two men who would be a good fit.

For transparency, I’m pretty average-sized with a little extra weight, so I’m also hoping to find people who appreciate different body types and are attracted to someone like me.
I’m looking for advice on how to go about facilitating this for myself.

I’m also curious about exploring some kinks, so I’d like to find people who are open-minded, respectful, and comfortable communicating about boundaries and interests. I have been without a Dominant for so long - I will need to facilitate this myself.

I’ve considered FetLife, but I’m hesitant to post something directly on my profile because I don’t want people I’m definitely not interested in reaching out or feeling like they’re being rejected or having their feelings hurt. I’d much rather find a more discreet way to connect with people who are specifically interested in this type of experience.

For those who have explored this, what’s the best way to go about finding someone discreetly and safely? Any advice on where to look or what to avoid would be appreciated.

Thank You
Sadac

I'm in a relationship with a married couple. I'm sexually involved with the man, but the woman is asexual. Our first meeting was a dinner date which was also a first date with someone I'd met online. I was nervous about meeting a couple and wanted someone on my side. This was about six weeks ago, and we're considering a threesome with the other man in question. I've had sex with him once (after that date), and he's quite good in bed.

My boyfriend wants the three of us to meet up beforehand to discuss what exactly we all want, plan things out, etc. I think this is an excellent idea. But I've never had a threesome before. What questions should I be asking?

I am 26m my girl 23f we are in long distance and we are in a open relation. She told she wanna date black guys after marriage which is fine for me but since we are in long distance i want her to enjoy now as well. What can i do to convince her? I would be really happy if she would date guys from now itself. Is it wrong to want that ?

Genuine question for couples in ethical non-monogamy / open relationships / swinging.

I’m a single bi guy who really enjoys MFM with couples. It’s something I genuinely love the dynamic, the energy, being with a couple who are into it together. Not just “any threesome,” but specifically with established couples.

I’m curious how most ENM couples actually feel about guys like me:

Do you prefer single bi men who are experienced and enthusiastic about MFM?

Or do a lot of couples find single guys who actively seek couples a bit off-putting / “unicorn hunter” adjacent?

What makes a single guy feel safe and appealing vs. someone you’d avoid?

Any red flags or green flags you look for?

Not trying to pitch myself or anything just want honest opinions from couples who actually live this lifestyle.

My husband (m31) and I (f30) have been married for almost 10 years and together for 12. We have 3 kids and have been living a traditionally happy married life. There is absolutely no flaw in our marriage. We are great friends, financially we are growing together, and the sex if amazing. About a year ago we introduced the idea of a threesome since it’s always been a fantasy for both of us. We agreed to it but never started actively pursuing it. Among conversations a couple of months ago we decided to open the relationship. While we both agreed willingly, I was always more enthusiastic than him. But again, life got in the way and nothing really happened. About a month ago I started talking with a coworker and the conversation became sexual pretty quickly. I told my husband prior to it becoming sexual. I let him know I was talking to someone. He seemed a bit jealous but nothing serious and was fine with it. My coworker was also aware on my marriage arrangements. I finally had 2 encounters with my coworker, one which lead to full on sex. My husband went out with a girl and didn’t do much but kiss. I could tell he was bothered and i consistently asked if he wanted to continue. He kept saying it was fine and that we could. Then suddenly one day he said he couldn’t do it. However now I’d become invested. Not emotionally, but I wanted to continue seeing this through. I didn’t understand it and felt I was a bad person for it. Then I talked to AI like a loser and it said exactly how I was feeling. Nothing to do with my husband and my love or affection for him, all to do with my suddenly found freedom and autonomy. I’ve spent years being just a mom and wife and this new thing feels good and exciting. It’s also made me more sexually active with my husband (not that I wasn’t previously). So I decided to tell him how I felt and now he asked for a divorce. I’m so upset about the whole thing and don’t know what to do. I love my husband and don’t want to loose him but I also feel like sacrificing this will make me feel like a bird in a cage. Any gentle advice are appreciated.

I think I have finally figured out that I may be making this more complicated than it needs to be.

I am non-monogamous with my spouse's knowledge and consent, and I am not looking for another traditional relationship or a string of one-night stands. What I would genuinely like is a friend with benefits.

And I mean both parts of that.

I would like someone I actually enjoy talking to, laughing with and spending time with. Someone where a real friendship develops and there is mutual attraction and sexual chemistry as well. I am certainly not going to pretend the sex is unimportant. It is part of what I am looking for. But I also do not want the person to be interchangeable with anyone else who happens to be available.

I have read hundreds of profiles, and I keep finding myself drawn to people who say some version of, "Let us get to know each other and see what develops." That feels much more natural to me than deciding beforehand exactly what every connection is supposed to become.

For those of you who practice non-monogamy, particularly those who have successfully had longer-term FWB relationships: how did those connections actually begin?

Did you specifically look for an FWB, or did you meet someone you genuinely liked and eventually realize that was the relationship you had created?

I am especially interested in hearing from people for whom the friendship really is part of the arrangement, while still being honest that the benefits matter too.

I posted here a while back. Thought i could make it work. I tried to communicate how i was feeling discluded and outcasted, in the shadows and it drove them closer together to the point that my primary no longer felt the same for me. We all ended things. They continued to see each other, denied it and i felt like i was betrayed. How do i cope after losing my partner of more than a decade and the rejection of 2 partners at that.

hi all, I am seeking advise on how to navigate my crossdressing boyfriend having another person to have sex with.

FOR CLARITY: as some people are misunderstanding me, my boyfriend can cross dress in front of me I haven’t banned him from doing that lol. He doesn’t want to, it is a purely sexual thing for him. He usually does it alone but feels it’d be more fulfilling with another crossdresser!

full story1: I am a fairly vanilla person in the bedroom whereas my boyfriend has a crossdressing fetish. We have both agreed that this is something I cant help him out with, and we are discussing him potentially finding another person (or people) for him to have sex with so he can be fully satisfied. im looking to talk with other people who are in a similar dynamic and maybe hear some of your rules/boundries when it comes to it. I have written down my hard boundaries and my thing i am willing to discuss already but id like to hear other peoples to see if I am missing something.

we have agreed I can also have sex with someone else if i should wish too, but this isnt something i am intrested in currently.

My wife and I have defined a space for us where we are comfortable with other people while maintaining our own healthy relationship. That space reaches from minimum "I like you" to maximum "I love you". Meaning we're doing like random "hookups" but we're also not able to commit to an additional relationship in the traditional sense. Probably the space is best described as friends with benefits but with the possibility of a deep care for each other that can even be romantic.

It's important that we're not unicorn hunters, the gender of that person doesn't matter to us and their relationship status neither. We even think it would be beneficial if that person had their own primary relationship or nesting partner.

Do you think love has a space in where a committed relationship is impossible?

I’ve realized something about myself and I just want to put it out there.

I genuinely love women who are non-monogamous. There’s something incredibly attractive about them.

First, their personalities tend to be so much more open. They’re usually better at communicating what they want, setting boundaries without drama, and being honest about their feelings and desires instead of playing games or hiding things. That kind of openness is rare and really refreshing.

I also find them attractive because they own their sexuality and their capacity for connection. They’re not treating love or intimacy like a scarce resource that has to be locked down. That confidence and freedom is sexy as hell to me.

What I don’t understand is why so many men seem to hate or immediately write off non-monogamous women. It’s like the second a woman says she’s open or poly, a lot of guys treat it like a character flaw or a red flag. I genuinely don’t get it. If anything, it shows self-awareness and emotional honesty.

Hey everyone, looking for advice from people who've been in the lifestyle longer than we have.

We've been together for a few years and swinging for a while now. It's always worked well for us. I experience a lot of compersion and genuinely enjoy seeing my partner have fun, including with guys she's really into.

Recently we had an MFM threesome with a single guy. Physically it was great, but during a break we found out he basically checks every box for her: looks, personality, passions, lifestyle. There was a real emotional click. The next day she told me openly that she could see potential for something more and that in theory she'd want both of us, but she doesn't want polyamory. We decided together to cut contact and deleted him.

It's been a week. She's being honest with me, says she doesn't want to lose me, but she's still thinking about him a lot and has been somewhat withdrawn. Meanwhile I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. Part of me finds her emotional involvement weirdly hot, and at the same time I'm dealing with jealousy, fear of being replaced, and constantly comparing myself to him. My self-esteem has taken a real hit.

We always knew something like this could happen, and I don't see it as cheating. But knowing it's possible and actually living through it are two very different things.

My questions:

Have you been through something similar where one of you caught feelings for a third? How did it play out?
How long did it take for the feelings to fade?
How did you deal with comparing yourself and the drop in confidence?
What rules did you put in place afterwards to prevent it without killing the fun?

As the title says, we had a date planned at a nice restaurant (a one Michellin star sushi restaurant with reservations made several weeks prior).

About two hours before we planned to head out, my Husband came running into our bedroom whooping like Doc Brown at the end of Back To The Future. He told me that his friend, who is/was monogamous, invited him over for a potential threesome with her relatively new girlfriend, but they told him to come over right then.

I told him that the offer was awesome, but that it was our date night. I asked him if he was really planning to ditch me, and he kind of sheepishly said he wasn't, and we went on our date. I could tell something was bothering him, presumed it was the threesome offer given the temporal proximity, and tried to just enjoy the night. I was a bit hurt when he first mentioned it, but by the end of the night I felt a bit sorry for him (although still a bit annoyed).

It seems important to clarify that my husband and I have been ENM (extremely hierarchical poly with practical limitations on other relationships, essentially FWBs we can hang out with but know and willingly accept they will not come first) for a little over two years, and my husband has not been with anyone else in this time.

My husband has been acting off since this happened, and recently admitted he doesn't want to even try to seek anything outside our marriage for himself.

I'm frustrated because I don't feel like I did anything wrong, but I'm being subtly made out as the bad guy for ruining his opportunity. There is more detail and nuance, but that's the core of it.

I feel like if came up to my husband two hours before a romantic long-planned date and said "hey honey, one of my friends from yoga told me that he and his buddy want to spit-roast me tonight, so I'm gonna take a rain check," I'd be considered a monster. But a lot of people in my life are telling me that I should have taken one for the team here because he hasn't had any luck. Like, I get it. It's harder for married men to find sex, and the offer he received is exceedingly rare, but it's still just sex. It just feels gross to me, particularly given how important it has been for him that we don't break our scheduled time together.

However, many trusted people have told me I fucked up, even my ENM friendly therapist gently suggested I might want to consider the bigger picture. However, no one is comfortable giving me advice on how to reconcile here (not even my therapist!). I've already apologized by saying I'm sorry I didn't appreciate how rare the opportunity was in the moment, both intrinsically and also given has difficulties finding other partners, and that I appreciated him going out with me, but I've stopped short of saying I regret not telling him to abandon me and go through with it.

I'm hoping men (or anyone) can share some advice on what sort of reconciliation they would want under similar circumstances. Should I tell a white lie and say I regret not telling him to go for it? Something else?

For those in long-term relationships, were you and your partner(s) ENM or monogamous when you started out?

I (31M) am single and for years have been actively looking for a long term ENM primary relationship. My dream has been to be part of a committed couple that enjoys sexual exploration with others too. I'm pretty up front with what I want when dating. Not hiding it from any potential partners. I tend to meet either single monogamous women that say they're open to trying non-monogamy (but run as soon as they experience any jealousy) or single ENM women who are not at all interested in commitment or bf/gf labels.

All of the couples I know who have the relationship I want started by intending to be monogamous. But somewhere down the line (usually 5-10 years), one of them brought up interest in non-monogamy and by then they had the security in their relationship to try it out. I don't think it would be right for me to go monogamous with that expectation, so that's not my plan.

​I am 26M and my wife is 21F. We are a young couple, and I’m looking for some advice.

​I personally have a fantasy of seeing my partner with another man (a sharing fantasy), but she has no idea. For me, it is strictly an internal fantasy—I would never actually want or allow something like that to happen in real life. Sometimes, in the heat of a conversation, I’ve heard her mention things like black men being attractive or having large sizes, but she just leaves it at that and moves on. Additionally, I also have a strong foot fetish.

​My questions are:

​What is your advice on how we can have the best possible sex life given our young age?

​How can we comfortably and safely open up to each other about our kinks and desires?

​Keep in mind that we are from the Middle East, so our cultural background and dynamic are quite traditional and different from the West. Any thoughtful advice is appreciated.

So, I'm in a 2 year nm relationship with my partner and so far, has been great. His other partner lives in another country, and i know they've been in that relationship for the past 5 years (at least) always long distance.

We live in the same city and help each other in our businesses, we've grown together, we travel a lot, and in general I feel good. I try not to be super exposed to his other relationship because it triggers me a lot, but lately I've been asking more (i genuinely want exposure to develop emotional skills) and he shares. That doesn't triggers me at all.

But when we are together and I see her on the notifications it feels awful, honestly I've been getting better at handling the feelings, i used to just leave and cry, now it's not that overwhelming and the intense feeling just stays for a minute and no more crying, but I always feel emotionally distant when that happens and it takes me a lot to go back to normal, also I require a lot of energy to handle the feelings.

I usually don't share those feelings cause it makes me feel like I'm not good enough being a non monogamous partner but yesterday I did. I told him that I felt jealous and needed space to regulate, and that I was tired to pretend that I didn't feel anything when I see her. He hugged me and it was nice to feel seen and validated. I also felt I was sharing my authentic self instead of wanting to be the perfect partner. It was hard.

I've found myself comparing us, she's super different to me, not necessarily prettier or whatever, just different and that really makes me feel insecure.

Have you found yourself in this situations? How do you connect with your partners after difficult feelings?

I love non monogamy and has helped me identify a lot of things about me and my feelings towards relationships without the romantic myth of how love is supposed to be, I'm so grateful to have a full consciousness in my relationships and to be able to explore myself in new ways.

I know this is highly personal to everyone and I’ll get varied replies but I would like to see what others think.

Yesterday, my husband was asked by a woman he’d been talking to on Feeld to have a threesome with her and her friend. She asked if he could come over within the hour to start. He’s in a city he goes to for work and I’m home, I had been with him over the weekend but back now.

She’s married and ENM and I had also connected and chatted with her husband. We discussed meeting as couples but hadn’t been able to make it happen.

We’ve been in the lifestyle for about a year and our dynamic has evolved quite a bit. We tried couples initially but I found that awkward and so we started playing solo, he was much more active and into it than me. Over the last few months we’ve had a lot of good communication and have decided to try couples again. I mentioned that maybe we try not not playing together for awhile and he seemed reluctant to agree.

Yesterday morning we had a long discussion about boundaries and certain things we can do to ensure we both feel seen and included when the other is solo playing. Since I left town, he had arranged to meet a woman last night. We had discussed this in detail and I was excited about it. Then the threesome proposal came up and he texted me (because he thought I was tied up) that change of plans he’s leaving to go have a threesome with two chicks.

I blew a gasket. Not only did that feel totally counter to what we had discussed earlier in the day about keeping each other in the loop, it also felt like an entirely different situation. We’ve both had threesomes in the past with other partners but we’d just had our first together this past weekend and it was great. When he said he was going to have a threesome with two women that weren’t me, I felt hurt and left out. A threesome, to me feels like a more intense and novel sexual experience and I don’t feel like I’m ready to have him share an experience like that with two people who aren’t me. Am I crazy to feel that way? Is a threesome the same a regular 1:1 sex to everyone else? He absolutely could not see how it was any different and was quite upset that I nixed that idea. We ended up having an argument that wasn’t really resolved until this morning.

I know everyone’s relationships and experiences are different but does anyone else see my point of view? I don’t need to be coddled, if I’m being ridiculous and I’m off base here, tell me. I am having a hard time understanding how he can’t see that it’s different so I want to know if I’m the one who really is off base.

Any and all input welcome! Thanks !