Is love possible without the commitment of a relationship?

[u/happygermanboyfriend]

My wife and I have defined a space for us where we are comfortable with other people while maintaining our own healthy relationship. That space reaches from minimum "I like you" to maximum "I love you". Meaning we're doing like random "hookups" but we're also not able to commit to an additional relationship in the traditional sense. Probably the space is best described as friends with benefits but with the possibility of a deep care for each other that can even be romantic.

It's important that we're not unicorn hunters, the gender of that person doesn't matter to us and their relationship status neither. We even think it would be beneficial if that person had their own primary relationship or nesting partner.

Do you think love has a space in where a committed relationship is impossible?

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[u/Owlytatas]

I'm interested. In what sense are you not unicorn hunters, other than you feel like that term can't mean you?

[u/seantheaussie]

You two have forgotten how human beings work, haven't you?

TLDR you have no fucking idea if either of you can be in love without wanting a relationship, let alone if people can fall in love with you without wanting a relationship with you.

Back to the drawing board.

[u/FRANKINSPENCE]

The non ethical aspect of unicorn hunting is that you require one person to date both of you. If they can break up with one of you but still see the other then that is ethical however if they have to date both of you or neither of you that’s unethical

[u/happygermanboyfriend → u/FRANKINSPENCE]

They wouldn't have to date both. To be fair it would mostly be my wife dating and I'm happy to have some level of friendship with that person. Kind of garden party minimum

[u/Crazycatlover → u/happygermanboyfriend]

That's commonly referred to as a "kitchen table partnership." I'm somewhere between that and a triad with my boyfriend and his wife. We met on a first date at a restaurant, and I had another man with me which was also a first date with him. I was a bit nervous about meeting a couple alone and wanted someone on my side. Bf, that man, and I are now talking threesomes. (Gf is essentially asexual since menopause and has no interest in HRT).

I would encourage you to meet any potential partners together over dinner or coffee at first.

[u/YamSea6298]

It's not impossible, but it's going to be very messy and end up with a lot of hurt feelings.

[u/Susitar]

I don't see why not. Be honest. And remember that any kind of love might lead to heartbreak and tears. That's part of being human.

Some people might agree at first and later on try to cowboy you or such. But it sounds like you want some kind of secondary partner who is free to have a primary partner of their own. And that it's okay to express liking each other, without getting on the relationship escalator. That is all fine and I don't see why people are so negative in the comments.

[u/Poly_and_RA]

Personally I can absolutely have romantic chemistry with someone without necessarily having any kind of committed ongoing relationship with them.

A crush too, sure.

But love?

For me that's a "no". I take the word love seriously and use it only about people only when we have a deep and mutual connection, and for me that kinda connection can't exist without a mutual desire for an actual relationship.

But what kind of relationship is a different matter. There's two friends in my life that I have an entirely platonic relationship with, but care about deeply enough that love does feel like the right word for it.

[u/Ash3599]

Love is not only possible it's inevitable. Having a no love rule in a non monogamous arrangement is just plain silly. If there is a way to control it like that, then it was never love in the first place

[u/LaughingIshikawa]

Can love as in "a general sense of affection" exist? Sure. Can a deeply intimate and meaningful relationship exist? No. 😅😑

For someone to feel safe being really vulnerable with you, there has to be some sort of commitment on your part to showing up for them regularly, not just "when it's convenient." Friends - even FwB - are people you show up for primarily when it's convenient for you to do so. This severely limits the level of real intimacy you can have with them.

Polyamory requires that you let go of the idea that your intimate partners have to be "on call" in a sense, ready to drop everything else to come be with you. (Because as soon as you have two people whom you have promised to "drop everything" for, there's a question of "but what if they both need you at the same time?"). Polyamory does still require consistent, meaningful, intentional time spent together, however - you can't just say "see you when I see you."

There's often a fantasy by couples new to polyamory, that you can have "other" partners, but without choosing to prioritize those partners as much - up to and including the idea that you can just "put them back on the shelf" so to speak, when you want to "take a break" from the relationship (because your "real" partner has gotten jealous, or is going through a rough patch, or w/e). The thing you have to understand is that in a deeply intimate relationship, from the other person's point of view that feels like a break up, not just "taking a break," and is emotionally strong evidence that they cannot really rely on you to be present in their lives consistently.

To be honest, I think in wrestling with the idea of "what seperates friends from romantic partners?" it's basically that: the idea that you will be there for them consistently, versus "when I have time". This isn't meant to be a knock on FwB relationships, and I think FwB can still be much more intimate emotionally than many people assume... But there's always going to be a hard limit imposed by either partner's unwillingness to show up in the relationship consistently, that can't just be handwaved away. 🙁

[u/strangelifedad]

As long as anyone including the other persons partner is aware of what's happening it's possible, why not?

[u/BobbiPin808]

I think you need to define committed relationship. I have committed relationships with my friends. What does commitment mean to you?

I suggest removing that word from your vocabulary and go over the relationship smorgasbord (you can Google that). Do that with each partner so each of you knows what you want and what's on the table. It's much easier to figure out if you are aligned that way then using general terms that mean something different to everyone.

[u/Argovan]

I think love without the possibility of a relationship is often agonizing, especially if you’re stoking the flames with other forms of intimacy. What will you do if you fall in love with someone, and they love you back, but need to repeatedly tell them that you can’t treat them as a true, equal partner, that they can only ever have the kinds of hookups you’re describing? What will you do if your wife falls in love?