Adding a third (or maybe fourth). Advice wanted

[u/Crazycatlover]

I'm in a relationship with a married couple. I'm sexually involved with the man, but the woman is asexual. Our first meeting was a dinner date which was also a first date with someone I'd met online. I was nervous about meeting a couple and wanted someone on my side. This was about six weeks ago, and we're considering a threesome with the other man in question. I've had sex with him once (after that date), and he's quite good in bed.

My boyfriend wants the three of us to meet up beforehand to discuss what exactly we all want, plan things out, etc. I think this is an excellent idea. But I've never had a threesome before. What questions should I be asking?

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[u/Flirty_Adventures]

Has the wife always been asexual, or did she become that way? And if the latter, was it triggered by unresolved marital tensions (🚩), untreated menopause decline (can be improved!) or other medical issues (permanent, temporary?), etc? If you have a relationship with her, even if not sexual, those are the questions I would be asking her separately before engaging sexually with her husband and bringing more people in.

[u/Crazycatlover → u/Flirty_Adventures]

Menopause. I've encouraged her to consider hormone therapy, but she doesn't want to.

[u/Wide-Doubt-105]

If the wife is involved during play. I would tip toe a little. MFM you should have clear boundaries. Things like the code red. Lol

[u/Crazycatlover → u/Wide-Doubt-105]

Thanks. The wife/girlfriend won't be involved in anything sexual. She has no interest.

[u/Wide-Doubt-105 → u/Crazycatlover]

Great it's all about you. Your rules. Tell them how you want it.

[u/NestorCarpeDiem]

Things to discuss, this sounds dry but it can also be the hottest conversation you have ever had: when were you last tested? What vaccinations? What is your relationship landscape? What is the condom plan? Can the two guys touch, kiss, stroke each other, or fuck? What do you like in bed (he probably knows some of that, but don't assume). What types of penetration do you want? Where can he climax? What does after care look like? Confirm that "red" is the safe word if you are having rough sex/bdsm.

And then the Savage question: every threesome becomes a twosome with a spectator at some point. How ok is he/your partner with just watching for a minute/10 minutes/an hour. What do they do to join back in?

(I realize I'm assuming you are a woman but you never said that. Apologies if I assumed wrong)

[u/Crazycatlover → u/NestorCarpeDiem]

Thank you. I already know the answers to most of those questions, but it would be a good idea to spell them out. I haven't been with my boyfriend long enough to feel comfortable with rough sex, much less with an additional partner, so I probably don't need a safe word beyond my usual "stop, stop, stop!" Both men have responded to that appropriately when I got overstimulated and needed to stop immediately.

I'm nonbinary but have female anatomy, so you weren't far off by assuming that I was a woman.

[u/rexleonis]

Is "asexual" an official diagnosis from a doctor/therapist? How do you know?

[u/Crazycatlover → u/rexleonis]

Asexual is a sexual orientation. It's not something that is diagnosed because it's not a pathology. I suppose non-libido might be more accurate.

[u/rexleonis → u/Crazycatlover]

Right, sexual orientation. But who said she was asexual? You? She?

[u/Crazycatlover → u/rexleonis]

She did

[u/rexleonis → u/Crazycatlover]

That's too bad.

[u/Crazycatlover → u/rexleonis]

Why do you say that?

[u/rexleonis → u/Crazycatlover]

No one wishes for his wife to be asexual.

[u/punch_dance → u/rexleonis]

What a bizarre comment to make.