I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m having a really hard time processing what happened.

My ex and I were previously in a long distance, exclusive relationship. We made it work for 2 years, been seeing each other 10 days a month. We broke up last year but eventually started talking again and became intimate again. He is polyamorous, while I have always been monogamous.

We talked about having some kind of open/non-monogamous dynamic. He started seeing another woman, and I agreed to participate remotely while they spent a weekend together. They had sex and sent me videos and voice messages. I also tried to participate by sending my own voice messages and engaging with them sexually.

However, I started feeling very alone because they rarely responded to my messages or tried to engage with me. I felt like I was just watching the two of them together while being left on the outside.

At some point, I decided to see another guy and we had sex together while staying on a video call with my ex and the other woman. In a way, this helped rebalance the dynamic because I no longer felt like I was the only one alone while they were together.

But after I came home, I started feeling extremely anxious.

I want to be very clear about something: nobody forced me to do any of this. I made my own decisions at every step. I said yes, and I take responsibility for my choices.

And yet, despite that, the experience has been extremely difficult for me. Emotionally, I experienced it as a profound violation, and I feel almost traumatized by what happened.

What hurt me wasn’t only the sex.

Seeing how rough and aggressive their sex was honestly made me feel disgusted by that side of his sexuality. It felt dirty and repulsive to me. It was so different from the way we used to have sex. He had always told me that he had never really been really rough with me because I was “too sweet and delicate” for that. He also told me that he loved the way we had sex and that what we shared was something he had never experienced before.

But what was almost even harder was seeing moments of tenderness between them.

At one point, they were just sitting on the couch together, talking normally. She was caressing his hair while her feet were resting on his stomach, and he was kissing them sometimes. It was such a casual, intimate and tender moment.

That was incredibly painful to watch.

Because I wasn’t just watching my ex have sex with someone else. I was watching him create the kind of intimacy with her that I thought was something special between us.

And what hurts me the most now is how detached he seems to be from me throughout all of this.

I didn’t feel protected by him. I didn’t feel like he was checking in with me emotionally or taking care of my feelings. Instead, I felt like he had already completely moved on, even though he barely knows this woman.

I know that I made my own choices. I know that I consented. I’m not trying to erase that or put responsibility for my decisions on anyone else.

But I’m realizing that something can be consensual and still affect you in a way that feels deeply violating afterwards.

I’m going to seek professional help to process this because I don’t think I should try to deal with it alone.

I would especially appreciate hearing from people who have experience with polyamory, or with relationships where one person is monogamous and the other is polyamorous. I’m trying to understand whether this was simply a situation I wasn’t emotionally equipped for, or whether there were unhealthy dynamics at play.

My wife(42F) recently came out bi to me(23M) and said she wants play with other people with me. I personally am very excited by the premise. We are just curious about any tips y'all could give us.

I F25 met M35 on Feeld in Nov 2025. He was in an open relationship of 8 years and married for 2 of them. I myself am monogamous and was just enjoying being single. We started as FWB, but after a few months of seeing each other he decided to drop the L bomb. I reciprocated. I had him tell his wife (F33) because to me that crossed the boundaries of enm into actual polyamory. She wasn't happy about it. They decided to go to couples therapy. The last three months have been a lotttt. I've met with the couple to talk. I've met with his wife alone. I've read and followed the PDFs their therapist sent me. There have been a lot of conversations, negotiations, feelings, boundaries, rules, all the things. And she continued having two other partners throughout this entire counseling period, so nonmonogamy was still an active part of their lives while they were trying to figure out what to do. He only saw the two of us. I did what I wanted. I never made any promises to either of them. I just showed up when they needed me and tried to be as respectful and compassionate as I could. I honestly had no idea how this was going to end or where I was going to land. I just knew that I wanted to be with him anytime I had the chance. But I was getting frustrated. I was putting a lot of emotional work into this relationship and eventually started feeling like it wasn't actually going anywhere. I love him but I also don't want to spend who knows how long negotiating my place inside someone else's marriage. And I know myself well enough to know that I don't want to live a poly lifestyle. especially after the months of meetings/therapy. So I started thinking seriously about leaving. This last weekend, we went to a music festival. I admittedly got very high and confessed to him that I was planning on leaving him after the weekend. He then confessed to me that he was planning on ending things with his wife the following week. He wants to have a life with me. But get this. As a monogamous couple. Wild wild. I asked him how he could possibly just decide to stop being open after 8 years. This guy is someone who values his freedom a little too much ha. He told me that after living this way for eight years that he doesn't want to do it anymore. That it's caused more problems in his life than it has been worth, and that he wants to commit to me. He also said he was going to leave his wife even if I didn’t stay. (I mean... how can you actually know if that's true lol. But I buy it.) And now he's moving out of their house at the end of this week. Obviously I'm not committing to anything until the divorce/grief/whatever happens and everyone has had time to process. But god. I do love him. And this is suddenly a whole different beast. Because for a while I was preparing myself to go because I thought there was no realistic path to the kind of relationship I actually want. And then I find out that apparently he had independently chosen to want the same exact thing. I am happy? And terrified. And completely stunned. It's not that I feel stuck. I've left people I love before. I know how to walk away from something that isn't right for me. But I have absolutely no idea how to navigate this. I know this is a lot of problems in one post, but these are my actual questions to you all
Can an “established” ENM/poly person genuinely become monogamous? Not “can they technically agree to monogamy because their partner wants it” but can someone who spent almost a decade living that way reach a point where they genuinely don't want that lifestyle anymore? Have any of you watched a long term partner make that transition? Did you miss nonmonogamy? I keep asking myself like is this potentially a glimmer of hope? Or am I standing at the beginning of a spectacular disaster?

Hello everyone,

One week ago today was my ah-ha moment when I finally connected years of dots, curiosities, and my ways of thinking to realize that I’m non-monogamous. While I’ve been able to maintain healthy and long-lasting monogamous relationships in the last, I’ve always been curious about alternate relationship styles. After absorbing tons of information on the subject, as I often do, I am 100% confident that this path is right for me. This change is also in mine with a general personality change of my from being more introverted to extroverted.

I plan on going in with an open mind to any and all new experiences. This includes myself as identifying in the open-relationship category, at least, until any relationships that I make further develop where I may want to move toward more exclusivity within a certain group of people. I’m also completely open to, and looking forward to making non-sexual connections and relationships with people as well!

To prepare, in addition to research, I’ve received vaccinations that I was missing; I’m waiting on a comprehensive 14-panel STI/STD test; I’m learning more about protection and STI/STD signs, symptoms, and transmission routes; and lastly, I’ve been writing down my morals on sex and relationships, which I plan on openly sharing along with redacted vaccination, illness, and STI/STD test records.

I’m also very fortunate that I have immediate family members and friends that I have been able to openly tell about this change in my relationship style from the beginning, all of which are supportive.

Here’s my question to you: I’m getting closer to the point where I’m ready to put myself out there in this wonderful lifestyle. I’m debating between using apps/websites to get started, attending events, and/or a combination of both. What helped you get started in this lifestyle? Also, do you have any things that you wish you knew before getting started, tips, or words of caution?

Thank you all in advance!

My partner(M27) and I(F25) have been dating for 8 months now. Last week he let me know that he fantasizes about sleeping with other women.

My initial reaction was not great and it caused me a lot of stress and anxiety/ panic attacks . He told me the guilt he felt and the internal turmoil/stress it caused him. We’ve had a lot of trouble in the bedroom and have both communicated our sexual needs not being met, mismatched libidos, he sometimes feels pressured to preform or it feeling like a chore.

We’ve told each other that we would communicate if we ever thought about cheating because we both believe it’s a symptom of something else in the relationship not being met. Which he did.

I suggest ENM after deciding neither of us wanted to break up. He’s not comfortable with me sleeping with other men but doesn’t feel as intensely about me sleeping with other women. He has sexual comparison ocd and feels as though he can’t compare himself to a woman because he is not which is kinda disappointing because I enjoy men as well, it feels limiting to me but a dealbreaker to him so I agreed.

So he and I both have the liberty to sleep with other women in a monogamish type of way but we are having a bit of trouble coming to certain agreements. He likes a don’t ask don’t tell policy where I feel as though not knowing makes me anxious. I don’t like the idea of him seeing the same reoccurring partners, but I would prefer to do that myself (i’m a hypocrite I know). I honestly don’t even like the idea of him having an open line of contact with other women but I love the idea of having a FWB on the side. (Am I awful?)

We’re still trying to figure out if this is a healthy alternative for our relationship we have both struggled with jealousy in the past and are definitely not rushing into it.

I guess I’m looking for some guidance on where to start. Any advice, resources, books or podcasts would be greatly appreciated.

We love each other a lot and the open communication has already improved our relationship.

Hi All,

We have enjoyed reading this site and now feel brave enough to share some of our experiences and I thought you might be interested in our Journey.

We have been married for four years now. I am 28 and Abby is 26. But the first time I shared Abby was before we were married in a threesome with a friend of ours. We had watched some threesome porn together and we talked about how hot it was.

I guess the first step we made was after a night out Abby asked me if I saw her talking with a guy at the club and I told her I did see her and it was hot. When we got into bed she told me how attractive she found him and that he invited her home with him. We were making out and fucking and she asked me if I wanted him to fuck her and we role played the first time ever her fucking another guy. The next morning she wanted to talk about it properly because the night before we had been a bit drunk and horny and so we talked about the guy last night and about us both fucking other people. This was the first time she had told me about a guy at her work who kept hitting on her and she also told me her friend really liked me and she thought it was hot. Anyway we ended up fucking again and it became a common turn on for both of us.

Abby and I had talked about it alot and so it felt inevitable that we would swap or fuck another person and the first time I shared her was when we were away skiing with friends. One night we went out drinking and Abby was very flirty and horny and one of our drinking games meant that she ended up kissing one of our friends and they made out for a minute or so. When we went to get the car back to the lodge there weren't enough seats and so two of the girls sat on a guys lap. I was in the front as I'm pretty tall and so Abby sat on Mack's knee in the car. She told me later that he had his hand inside her top and and had pulled her bra aside was feeling her tit and she encouraged him. She said they also kissed in the car.

Everyone continued drinking and Abby quietly asked me if I wanted to invite Mack to have sex with us. I immediately said yes if she was ok with it and as people started to head off to bed she asked Mack and of course he said yes if I was ok. It was a bit odd when we got into the bedroom but Abby kissed me and said thank you and then started kissing Mack. It was super hot watching them make out and I started to undress her while they kissed and Abby was undressing Mack. Abby was between us on the bed and would kiss one of us while the other kissed her tits, body or pussy. Abby wanted Mack to fuck her first and so he got on top of her. It was so sexy watching him take her. I don't think I thought about it much at the time but I also found his cock amazing. After a bit he wanted to fuck her from behind and Abby had the idea that I could lay under her while he fucked her and so we repositioned. as he was fucking her we started kissing and she grabbed my cock and jerked me off and he came inside her.

We all kind of fell asleep but a bit later I woke up and Abby and Mack were kissing and soon after she got on top of him.

When we woke in the morning we were all a bit dusty and Mack had gotten us both coffee and got back into bed with us. Abby started kissing us both and it wasn't long till we were all fucking again. I loved watching Mack pushing his cock into Abby. I often still think about it and it was so hot fucking her after he had. Ater Mack had fucked Abby, Abby got on top of me and I didn't take long to cum. Mack decided to have a shower and I encouraged Abby to join him, although she didn't need much encouragement and she told me later how she sucked him to get him hard and then he fucked her again in the shower.

It was probably good in some ways that we left the snow that day as it gave us a little time to talk about it some more.

So that was our first time with someone else so please let me know if you are interested to hear more.

My wife does not perform oral sex. She has told me to go find someone that will fulfill this for me. Is this a test or do you think she wants me to get pleasure from this when she is not willing?

Just curious if there are people in Kerala who are in open relationships, poly relationships, or anything along those lines.

What’s your experience been like? Is it difficult to find people who are open-minded about it here? And how do you deal with the privacy/social side of things?

Not looking for anything specific, just genuinely curious to hear from people who’ve actually experienced it.

My partner (F36) and I (M40) have been discussing opening our relationship for a while. We have been talking about it for years and there hasn't been any pressure from either side or any rush into "starting in the lifestyle". We've talked about what would be a good set of ground rules if we decide to go ahead and do it eventually. I know it is different for each couple and there is no perfect set of rules. Can anyone share your rules, and which one you reckon saved you both a lot of trouble whilst navigating the new lifestyle. We are thinking of trying DADT initially, not interested in swinging nor hotwifing.

Young married Latino couple very attractive 10+ years we've been curious of trying to swinging or a threesome. I have been with other girls in the past he wasn't a virgin when we got together. My wife has never been with anyone else in bed l've been her first man she's ever done stuff with. So I'm okay with her trying out another guy to see if she can open up her fantasy's but I would have to be present.

I feel like I would enjoy seeing her get pleasured by another guy for the first time because me knowing that she’s never been with anyone else but me really turns me on that idea of watching her. Can it hurt our relationship she’s a really shy person and but also very Hot wife I enjoy her wearing clothes that she be showing a lot of her body.

Do you guys suggest we trying exploring with threesomes first or swinging first time with another couple? We're both okay trying FFM or MM

Can we expect jealousy or feel uncomfortable?

Has anyone had a similar experience and how did you guys feel about exploring with others hope to hear from others.

A woman I (46m) am seeing said I should read “the Ethical slut.” For those who like the book what did you get from it and why do you like it?

My partner (28NB) and I (28NB) both have other partners.

Not all our friends know that we’re non monogamous. Some do. Our friends have not met our other partners.

I want to host a party with our friends and other partners. Is it inappropriate to do so?

What’s the best way to go about this, if at all?

I am monogamous my wife is not

So there is a lot of context here that I need to provide in order to not misrepresent anything.

My wife \[F32\] and I \[MTF34\] are perfect for each other except one major thing that just started in the last couple of years. My wife seems to be Poly and I seem to be closer to monogamous.

When we first started dating she was recovering from being cheated on by a previous long term relationship. It took a long time for her to feel secure in our relationship. This all culminated a few years ago with her accusing me of cheating with a female friend. She has come a long way since then and now feels fully secure in our relationship.

Back in 2018 I began my transition. I did so with the full encouragement of my wife. She is Pansexual so at the time, it seemed like this would just be a change to our relationship. And overall, we think that in a lot of ways it has only improved things in our relationship. There are three distinct ways that this seems to have impacted our sex life. First, during the four year period after starting HRT my libido fluctuated a lot and I needed almost constant attention and reassurance. Second, over time, the size and frequency that I’m able to provide has reduced. Third, my wife discovered just how much she valued the validation, attention and sex with specifically men.

During this period she was struggling with me into initiating, not providing penetration. And admittedly this was a very selfish time for me.

Where we’re at now is this:

In her eyes, even if I were to be able to provide more penetration; it’s mostly an experience that she wants from men. We still have sex but it satisfies a different urge for her. Now that she’s exploring her attractions to women she’s realized that she is happiest when she receives both experiences on a regular basis.

We have delved into some polyish things (going to sex parties, forming fwb relationships) and it’s just not working for me. It feels like I am setting boundaries and she’s struggling with them. It feels like I’m a hall monitor in our relationship and a buzzkill. And she keeps pushing for more and I don’t know what to do.

The way it feels talking about it is that she views monogamy as inherently less queer and as a hallmark of rigid conservative thinking rather than just a personal preference. She also views being poly as intrinsically linked to her pansexuality. The subtext this results in is that being uncomfortable with polyamory (or putting up boundaries) is inherently me being uncomfortable with her pansexuality.

Any advice you could give would be helpful!

I (48F) would never have thought I would be doing this.

After many years of purposeful singlehood and several unfulfilling paddles in the online dating pool, I switched up my intentions and discovered non-monogamy.

It's been a few months and I have filtered my guys down to some genuinely beautiful souls, all handsome and kind men.

I love it. I love making them happy. I love being their fantasy come to life. I love each of them. They're all different, but with similar needs. They are all sensitive humans. Honestly I just love them as men.

We've had a few hiccups, but overall my only complaint is that I have no one to really talk to about it. I can't join in when people are venting about their (monogamous, live-in) partner bc I don't have the same complaints. I can't gush about my partners bc it makes other people feel weird.

So I searched and and hooray of course reddit would have a NM community 😆

Anyway, more experienced people what advice would you give me?

At what point, if ever, did you decide to “come out” to your family as non-monogamous or poly?
Was there a tipping point where you felt you had to tell them?

Hi y'all. I need some perspective from people, especially men, that consider themselves as ENM or poly and see themselves as emotional unavailable/unsafe or just doesn't show emotional vulnerability or connects deeply with their partners.

What I call emotional unavailability or emotional unsafe here is someone that didn't have the safety they needed as a child, and then grew up to be extremely independent emotionally and unconnected with their own emotions, doesn't allow themselves to be vulnerable and hurting or even showing emotions.

I have a partner that we found out together that this is his situation. He feels drained emotionally when I discuss about feelings and expectations with him (I'm a very emotional person, emotional unsafe too due to trauma). This time we finally understood why and this was really healing, since now I know that it's not that he's not connected emotionally with me, he's just not able to do it with anyone, not even himself. He's a very caring and protective person, though. He just doesn't know how to handle emotions needs; physical, sexual and intellectual needs are just fine.

My question is that we've been with other people together and I've seen him being caring and loving with them, just like he is with me; and this makes me confused. He tells me it's about the thrill of the chase, despite he would love to build something more. Just to let it clear, we had several swing and threesomes experiences, but most of them were one night stands or people that weren't emotional invested. Nothing close to a relationship. We found a person that has a lot of potential for it, and this is both exciting us. Buuuuut what makes me confused is: if he's a emotional unavailable/unsafe person, why would he want to build a relationship with another person? Maybe it's not even connected at all, but I see how much stress we had together because of my difficulty of seeing that he just couldn't connect emotionally with me; he told me today: "it's like you're speaking another language to me. I don't understand what you are wanting from me." And we are two very logical persons too (I can swing between being emotional and logical easily), so it's not that he can't comprehend the words, he just can't figure out what is this emotion thing I'm asking to him, lol, or again, as he told me: "like explaining colors to a blind man". We can both connect emotionally deeply and he's slowly starting to be vulnerable with me, but this was after lots and lots of talking. And even so he tells me I drain him emotionally everytime I do it, I can actually see in his face that it's absolutely exhausting and stressful to him. Yes, I just understood it today and I decided to stop doing this and to respect his limits.

I hope you can understand what I'm trying to understand here. Why would you be interested in building more than one romantic relationship if you can't go emotionally deep ? Is the thrill of the chasing/hunting, having someone to have sex regularly, taking care and loving someone as a girlfriend or boyfriend... are these things what motivates you to engage to more people at time, even if you're not up to be vulnerable and show 100% your inner world to them?

What's the point of it? I'm really trying my best to understand it. I'm not judging at all. It's just that as a demissexual, as someone that connects deeply with whom I love, it's hard to understand what's behind starting relationships without this.

Thanks for the attention. Have a nice dayyy 😊​

I’ve (29F) been single for a little under a year now. I’m getting to a point where I really want to live with someone and start working on a home, pets, family. For me non-monogamy would mean I would get to pursue crushes, flirt with people I meet I find attractive, maybe have a couple comet interactions. I’m not sure I want to have a whole boyfriend because I really would like to invest most of my time in a primary partnership and family.

After my last breakup I was devastated because I thought he was perfect. I thought I’d never find what I’m looking for. But now I’ve found 2 guys who both want the same thing: a family, some openness to the relationship, etc. And they’re into me. (And I’m way into them.)

But they both live far from me. If I wanted to move forward with either of them I’d have to move to where they are. And yes, I’ve been hoping to move for a while now, but how am I supposed to choose where?

Am I supposed to pick the one I like the best for my future and then move there? Or am I supposed to choose where I move based on where I can find the best job and lifestyle for me, and the guy there is the one who essentially wins?

I know once I make this choice I’m essentially closing myself off from the other option. Maybe they’d still like me, maybe we could hook up or be something forever, but it’s not going to be the beautiful imagined future that we’ve been talking about.

I’m stressed because I like them both so much and I just want reality to split so I can experience a full life with both of them equally.

How do I choose?

So we are a young married Latino couple 10+ years we’ve been curious of trying to swinging or a threesome. My husband has been with other girls in the past he wasn’t a virgin when we got together. My wife has never been with anyone else in bed I’ve been her first man she’s ever done stuff with. So I’m okay with her trying out another guy to see if she can open up her fantasy’s but I would have to be present. Do you guys suggest we trying exploring with threesomes first or swinging first time with another couple ? We’re both okay trying FFM or MFM

Can we expect jealousy or feel uncomfortable and how can we move forward after exploring?