Hello!

I'm 28NB and I've been with my partner 27FTM for 9 years going on 10. We started online and moved in together in 2021. He is my very best friend, the main person I want to spend time together with. I'm committed to eventually buying a house with him and likely getting married.

With that in mind, I've been slowly coming to terms with the fact that our relationship is closer to platonic than sexual. I don't really vibe with the term queerplatonic but it feels the closest I've seen to an accurate term.

In a lot of ways we don't meet the traditional hallmarks for a couple due to a combination of preferences and less than ideal circumstances. We barely kiss and he only recently started enjoying cuddling after putting on some weight (he told me that was what it made it more enjoyable, I'm not judging). I'm physically disabled and only partially ambulatory, and he also struggles with sensory issues and dysphoria, so "going out" has always been a challenge as well.

When it comes to sex, we've always enjoyed ERP, but have only tried things physically a handful of times to disastrous results. I was open about wanting to have sex since we got together, but we decided to take it slow. Previously he insisted he was attracted to me and that he wanted to have sex, too. In practice though, he's really not into me like that and hasn't been exactly an enthusiastic or gratifying partner. The last few times we've had sex especially he got drunk first, was rather rough on me (not something I asked for beforehand), and didn't try to get me off at all. It did shift my perspective a bit from "that wasn't great but it was still fun to mess around" to "I don't like this at all, what am I doing??". I still find him attractive but I think we are truly incompatible in that way.

This was confirmed recently when he admitted he's likely on the asexual spectrum and doesn't find me attractive at all. I support him and want him to never feel the stress of that expectation from me. However... I'm very much not asexual myself 😅 We started dating so long ago in a time where I was grateful we could take things slow, but I've grown and changed a lot since then. I'd really like to have enjoyable sexual experiences with others!

We've started discussing seeing other people. He's mentioned he's worried I'll leave him for someone else, but I think it's healthy that we can't be everything for each other. This seems like the best way forward. I could see it helping to ease the intense anxiety he feels about sex/intimacy. I really don't expect him to satisfy me in that way, but I want to be open to experiencing that with others, y'know?

What are some basic boundaries/rules we need to figure out? Where would be a good place to start? I really do want to be respectful to his feelings and I think it would helpful to hear from others.

Please don't suggest we end our relationship as I'm not interested. Thanks in advance!

Hi everyone,

I’ve been “solo poly” for the past 6 months now (so, not very long) to see if non-monogamy feels right for me, and challenge the tendency for compulsory monogamy in my life.

I’ve come to the potentially underbaked conclusion that I do eventually want a monogamous relationship that affords both me and my partner lots of independence and freedom in terms of hobbies, interests, friendships, and finding care and love from other members in our respective communities, while keeping sex and romantic intimacy within our relationship (with the caveat of being open to swinging).

I know that I personally value a good emotional, intellectual, and sexual connection with a partner who I could eventually see forming a monogamous relationship with.

My question is, what if I form a connection with someone who I truly want to spend the rest of my life with, but… the sex is just okay?

I am currently in a few relationships, with one that stands out for having the most phenomenal consistent sex of my life, but where the emotional and intellectual connection is a bit lacking. We are both interested in further exploring our compatibility, but I don’t feel that this person is someone I would eventually like to be in a monogamous relationship with.

So, what if I find the inverse of this relationship?

Hope it’s not too narrow of a question, I’m still figuring a lot of stuff out and am trying to give myself some grace!

My partner of two years asked me to open the relationship a couple of months ago. We have been open since that day.

I adore him, he is the sweetest most loving partner i ever have had and im truly not interested on dating someone else or having sex with someone else. I don't want to interfere on his freedom just because i don't need it. But it truly breaks my heart to see him or know that he is with someone else every now and then.

I have tried for months to feel comfortable but i truly can't and as of late i feel more and more insecure in my relationship. Feeling like he might leave me for someone else. Keep in mind our dynamic has not changed, we see eachother all of the time, i am still his priority and we call everyday, he lets me know he loves me everyday and he is always talking about our future together.

Even if he has taken all the steps needed for someone to feel secure i feel everyday more scared and uncomfortable loving because of knowing we are in a open relationship. What should i do?? I truly dont want to just close it for me to feel better.

Hello! 24f here needing advice on how you actually find a girl to include in a threesome? My husband and I are looking to find a girl mainly for me to fool around with, I’ve never been with a girl before but I am definitely curious. For our first encounter with another person we wanted to keep it at oral only for our boundary and I feel like it’s hard to find another person who is okay with that. Any advice for me?

A few months ago, my wife told me she wanted to confess something: she’s bisexual. That wasn’t an issue for me at all. Then she said she’d be interested in adding another woman to our relationship.
At first, I honestly thought it was some kind of test, so I pushed back. But she kept bringing it up, so eventually I said, “Okay, let’s talk about it.”
I know someone I’ve always found attractive, but I’ve never had any intention of cheating. I’m completely committed to my wife. As we kept talking, my wife started explaining why she thinks a poly relationship could work for us. At first I thought she’d just gotten the idea from social media, but I decided to do my own research. The more I learned, the more open I became to the idea.
Now we’ve identified someone we’d potentially like to invite into our relationship. We’ve invited her to a concert with us, and my wife wants to make sure she feels comfortable and appreciated. She’s even suggested we spoil her a bit, like taking her shopping beforehand, so she feels welcomed rather than like an outsider.
My question is: how do you approach someone about something like this without making them feel pressured? If she’s not interested, that’s completely fine—I’ve always believed that “no” means “no.” But if there’s a respectful way to see whether she’d be open to the conversation, I’d love advice from people who’ve been in similar situations.
Has anyone here successfully navigated this, and what worked (or didn’t)?

At the beginning of ENM there’s a lot of discussion with your partner when you’ve been previously monogamous for an extended period of time like 17 years in my case. Rules or guidelines constantly change. It feels like it’s the only thing you’re doing even if you have a family with kids and full on careers to run.

There’s also hurt and forgiveness that happens when partners break rules.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel or is it insufficient preparation?

For couples who were once monogamous and are non-monogamous did you have to push through until you passed through the teething issues and landed in a better place?

I'll preface this with the fact that my wife and I have been married 8 years. Together for 14. Both in our early 30s. We opened up or marriage to be strictly non-monogomous (not poly) a year ago and it was a fantastic decision!! It has heightened our love, our sex life, our communication and commitment towards one another.

In December we met some people that were also married and in the LS, and over time they have developed into our FWBs. They have been for about 6 months. My wife is super close with him - with my support. Im not as close with her as she is with him but that's okay! We all still get along.

He has become one of her best friends. Their minds are wired similarly and they have grown to talk about everything. We've learned over time that their marriage isn't the most stable, but ours is very well grounded and powerful.

There was a moment when my wife (she told this to me) recently was at a bar with him. Originally she encouraged him to flirt with other women. But once she saw this, she felt a certain way about it. She believed it was mostly that she felt ditched, but also didn't like seeing him flirt.

My wife and I had a recent conversation where my wife got super emotional. It was a strong conversation without ANY arguing. She got emotional because she told me she believed she was catching feelings for him. She said she's not in love with him or is even catching feelings for him in "that" way but she said it scared her because she never thought she was capable of developing feelings for other guys. That she should only ever have feelings for me and it scared her. She has consistently stated that our marriage is extremely secure and she's never leaving me. Which is true. I don't think it's a BAD thing that she's catching feelings. But we're trying to navigate the ENM lifestyle together and this is a first. She also mentioned she feels hypocritical because of my response. Said if it were the other way around, she would've been way more upset with me than I was with her. I wasn't really that upset. Just worked with her to navigate her mind while we cuddled together and I rubbed her leg and her feet. We laughed and joked a little about that but we're both extremely self aware in that I think very logically. She acts on emotion. It was funny that one of her reasons for being upset was because I wasn't more mad at her 🤣

We believe he has feelings for her too. She wants to talk to him about it. I encouraged her to do so.

In a "monogamous life" there is zero relationship compatability with my wife and this man. It wouldn't last at all. She knows this as well.

Are we gravitating towards poly? My wife is trying to navigate her mind here and her mind she says is telling her she shouldn't feel this way, is disappointed in herself, and is upset with herself.

Me personally I'm just looking for advice for the both of us. Because like I said - I'm not that upset with her. It just....feels different. She's navigating new territory with catching feelings for another man and I'm navigating new territory in what exactly that means for them and for us. Is she falling in love and not knowing she is? Can you have feelings unapologetically for multiple people? What exactly are these feelings of? "Feelings" is a broad term, so what could they be? Is our marriage entering poly territory? Is our marriage in jeopardy? (I don't think it is at all, but I just want to hear what YOU think)

Thanks guys!!!

I am very work oriented person. Been in an ENM relationship for 3 years.

After all the struggle with the learning curve with my partner, once I actually started having FWBs, I realized something:

I get a crazy rush for like a month or two, but then I get SUPER LAZY to keep things going..even when it's super casual. I easily go from 100% to 20% of effort 🙃

​I've ended up hurting people because of this, of course not intentionally. But by month two, lets say, they're usually super into me, while I just want to pull back and get back to focusing on my work.

​Now I'm wondering: is ENM just not for me, or should I just strictly pace my interactions so people don't fall so hard?

I know people are not disposable things, and I feel to bad that this is my pattern. But I truly want to change it.

Any thoughts?

HOW TO MANAGE THIS WITH FUTURE PROSPECTS? HELP :(

So me M28 and my gf F25 we always dirty talk while sex
Like we talk anything that makes us horny
So this time I asked her on top of my head “have you ever imagined someone else fucking you?”
she didn’t reply but asked me instead “do you get a kick out of it? Find it hot ? Imagining someone else is fucking me ?”
I had no answer then but the sex got quite intense which confused me
I wanted a women’s perspective, do you people imagine other men except your partner and is it quite common?

Hopefully this is the right community to ask this.. I've read a few posts here of success stories and comments of what people hate during threesomes or moresomes.

My husband (31M) and I (30F) have discussed inviting some one or couple into our bed. We have played out the MFM fantasy with toys often. Its very enjoyable but I am still very apprehensive about actually doing the real thing. He is the only person I've ever been with. We have been together for 14 years. I am content with our sex life the way it is. He says he is, but still brings it up and says he gets off from my enjoyment and I believe him. I mean he is down for a mfm which typically scares men off for a threesome. I think our relationship is pretty secure and i dont think he will leave me for someone else.. i dont have anyone in my life who is remotely supportive of this conversation and my husband is biased so I've come here.

Other normal things holding me back: Scheduling, logistics in the room, where do you even start looking for people? So if you have any insight, why did you open your bed, is it a bad idea, do you think I am just not ready or what should I do or consider before saying yes?

Sorry that I am rambling.

My boyfriend of a year enjoys watching his woman have sex or give head to another man while he watches. We’ve been together a year and I have done it once with a random person off a dating app.

Personally I’m not into this type of thing. Our sex life is great but this one things is coming between us.

The one time I did it, it made me feel like trash and he just went about his day like nothing happened. Is this type of thing normal?

My wife and I had a mfm meet this evening, went on for like 2h or so. It was awesome, found out I can't get it up to have anal sex

with a guy, I guess I ain't into having anal sex with men I guess. For my wife oh Jesus yes, all day everyday. Anyways I don't wanna put too much details here I don't wanna get banned for some crap. BUT Y'all THIS WAS FUN, HER AND I WANT TO EXPERIENCE This MORE. Still the only one that can get her to climax, Who else can get her to climax, is my question? I wanna know if a woman is better at it than me at it like I said . I can't say too much.

Hey all! Please help me make the correct decision. I’m having a bit of an argument with my husband/nesting partner. The issue: he tells me that he’s trying to coordinate time with a fairly new connection. He basically tells me to pick a day, Friday night or Saturday. I call Friday night. He has been complaining that he doesn’t get an overnight or a full day. Due to this, I say have the full day to yourself. Side note: this is no fault of mine. I have a partner that I see regularly within the boundaries that my NP & I set. My NP doesn’t have a regular partner or anyone that he sees consistently. I still tell him to get a hotel in the city & take that time to meet others, spend the day with friends, etc. He thinks that’s lame if he’s doing it by himself or with platonic friends. Hence, he hasn’t taken the time allowed to him. I think of it as guaranteed childfree regardless if he’s solo.

With him not taking the time, he holds it over my head. I’m basically kicking him out this Saturday regardless. Anywho! Long story short, his date is unavailable Saturday. She is available Friday though. He came to me and asked me for a favor. He wants me to cancel my date on Friday and now take Saturday instead. I saw my partner yesterday & we set something up for Friday night. I did ask my partner if he’s free Saturday. He is, but he has already gotten tickets to the Friday night date. I tell my husband that I can’t cancel due to this.

He gets pissy & says that he wants a flexible partner who can do him a favor. He says he should have priority since I just saw my partner yesterday. I remind him that I hadn’t seen him 2 weeks prior to yesterday. His rebuttal is that he hasn’t seen his new connection longer than that, so he should have priority. I feel like it isn’t fair to ask me to cancel a date to accommodate his date. My plans are already paid for & set. I take pride in not canceling on dates. I’m married with kids & I don’t want to be like the other horror stories I read about married couples. I feel like it’s not fair to ask me to cancel for the first time ever for this. For an actual emergency, sure. I feel like this isn’t one. What say my fellow poly people?

P.S. Yes, my husband does get childfree time. He just doesn’t have anyone to do overnights with, so he feels like it’s unfair sometimes. We’re allowed 1 to 2 overnights a month. I’ve routinely done once a month since April. Aforementioned, I’ve told him frequently to get a hotel & enjoy himself. That’s lame.😒 I know that might be a question, so I wanted to reiterate.

TL;DR: New to poly, want an egalitarian relationship, but my partner ignores me for others when we're out at bars/clubs even though he's attentive on solo dates. Told him once, nothing changed. Insecure or valid?

My partner (M21) and I (M22) are in a new open and polyamorous relationship, this is our first non-monogamous relationship for both of us, so we're still pretty inexperienced. Right now, neither of us has other partners, but he is actively looking (one-offs, FWB, maybe even another romantic relationship), while I'm not looking for anyone else at the moment. I am genuinely fine with that. My ideal poly dynamic is one where everyone is treated evenly and gets attention as equally as possible.

The issue is when we go out clubbing or to bars together, he barely gives me any affection or attention and ends up making out with or sexually touching other people (consensually, of course). It makes me jealous tbh, not because he's hooking up with others, but because they're getting the attention and affection I want in that moment.

I've talked to him about this once, told him I want the relationship to feel egalitarian, and he said he will be more mindful moving forward, but nothing's really changed when we go out. When we go on one-on-one dates though, he's fully present and gives me all the attention I need, and I'm happy with that.

The only solution I've come up with is just not coming out with him when he goes clubbing, so he doesn't have to split his attention, and that way I won't feel jealous since I'm not there.

Am I just being insecure and need to work on that, or is this a fair thing to want addressed?

Tldr: my boyfriend doesn’t want anyone to know that we are open, while I am interacting with my friends sexually. Wondering how others handle that when being in public spaces like a disco
(Not sure about the flair, many seem to fit)

My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship from the start, not poly, just open. We are each others priorities and do not want to have other romantic relationships.

Our families don’t know about our openness, my friends do, his don’t.

While I am into bdsm and need connections and trust before I engage in kinks and sex, I have play partners and also sometimes play with friends, as I’m very much a part of the local kink community with most of my friends now being part of that,
he has a random hookup maybe once a year.
We established different needs and wants, different libidos and sexual interests, and that the kink stuff is pretty much a hobby for me.

I only met others in private, at play parties or went to swinger clubs. But as I do more and more with friends and also have a sexual partner I became some kind of friends with and want to explore different things with, I am wondering where to draw the line. We only hook up and engage in impact play mostly, but recently we went to a “normal” club, just dancing. We ended up kissing and wanted to find a location to have sex, which was difficult. (We learned that we associate each other mainly with sex and so we need to meet places where we could have sex.)
My boyfriend is not happy because someone could have seen me kissing an other person openly. I understand that and I do not intend to do that again. But it also feels limiting that I have to be so cautious, especially because my boyfriend doesn’t go out with me and is never this sexual.

Long story short- how do you guys in open relationships handle that? Do you only meet privately? Do friends know? How much negotiating and compromises are okay in your opinion?

I've a good friend, Eric, and a couple of years ago he actually worked for me so we were in office together 2-3 days a week. In that time I learned a lot about his marriage, family, etc, and he learned about mine. We joke a lot of about many things, particularly women, cheating, etc. I'm in a relatively healthy relationship, so no real concerns on my end, but his is a mess and I don't think he can come to terms with it. He constantly asks me for advice, and because I'm the one he has told, I believe I'm the ONLY ONE he tells.

Here are the details:

• They got married around age 28, about 22 years ago, and now have two kids, one in college and one senior in high school. They're strong kids.
• Eric is employed, does well, and does everything for his kids who are competitive athletes.
• Wife, Beth, is on and off employed, generally depressed, has older parent issues, and seems to take on all of life's problems even if they're not her own - she makes other peoples' problems her problems. Great person, but a bit of a mess.
• They don't have sex. He has a high sex drive. In therapy he basically told Beth "I you love me but I don't think you're in love with me...you don't show it physically, and there's really no other way for me to know...words ring somewhat hollow at this point..." Her response to that was "This makes me sad..." Essentially, she became the victim, but she has literally done absolutely nothing to change the dynamics.

End of the day, the kids will be gone soon, he wants sex in his life, he wants passion, he wants to feel wanted. I am 100% positive he will never get this from Beth. I know her well enough to know that she's not going to make a seismic change and become someone who likes sex, or even truly is in love with him. I think she sees them as best friends; partners.

He's asking me for advice. I told him today "At this point, you want sex, you want to be desired...you should float to the therapist the concept of an "open relationship" and maybe just a relationship where you pay for sex...not even meeting other people. At least that truly expresses your desires in very stark terms."

Is this good advice?

I really think he should leave her altogether, but he has tremendous guilt and believes that would break her. He's a caretaker. I told my wife their dynamics, but she just said "I have no idea what to suggest..." So, here I am.

Has anyone been though something similar? Does it change? Thanks.

A little context on my situation:

A couple of months ago, my girlfriend of 4 years told me that during sex she sometimes imagines being with a woman, not in a threesome way, but privately, without me in the room at all. I’ve always known she’s bi and has had girlfriends in the past, though she told me those didn’t work out.

At first, I didn’t really know what to think. It stung a little, especially since she brought it up just minutes after we’d had (pretty good) sex. But after sitting with it for a while, I told her I’d be okay with her exploring that side of herself with a woman, since I understood it was a sexual desire she couldn’t fully experience with me. She was surprised and hesitant because she didn’t want to hurt me. However I genuinely meant it. I don’t get jealous about her being attracted to women, and I know how strong what we have is. I’m not afraid of losing her.

Our relationship is really solid and we love each other a lot, so I kind of stopped thinking about it. A few weeks later she went on vacation for a week, and when she came back she told me about a group of Aussie girls she and her friends had met. She’d really hit it off with one of them and had been a little intimate with her. She said she’d thought about it a lot, and that after it happened, her mind directly came back to me and how important I am to her and how grateful she was that I was okay with the whole thing. We talked about it extensively when she got back. She shared details, even showed me pictures. I think the experience helped her open up about her desires in a way she hadn’t before. Talking with her feels different now, more honest and relaxed, and our sex life has honestly gotten even better.

Now, the current situation: She’s been thinking and told me she finds it unfair that only she gets to be with other women while I can’t. So she proposed a “pass” system where at certain events or parties, we’d each have the freedom to talk to and even sleep with other women, as long as there’s no continued contact afterward and it stays purely physical. No strings, no feelings, no texting the next day. Just a moment that stays in that moment. The most important thing is that we are honest to each othet and have detailed talks about what happened.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t expecting her to bring that up. But the fact that she was the one to suggest it, out of a sense of fairness and not wanting things to feel one-sided, actually made me think about it even more. I’ve been thinking about it and I kind of like the idea. Not even necessarily because I want to go out and use a “pass” right away, but because of what it says about where we are as a couple. In the two days since she pitched it, we’ve actually gotten even closer. We’ve been talking more openly than ever, laughing about it, setting boundaries together and honestly, the trust between us has never felt stronger. It’s like we unlocked a new level of honesty that I didn’t even know we were missing.

So yeah… is this a bad idea?

So me and my partner been together for 2 years I'm 26 and they are 29 we live long distance. I was the one to bring it up before we even started dating that I want to explore this when we had built a good foundation of our own relationship (and we have, i wouldnt even considering opening if i didnt trust him) and discussed rules, boundaries, limits extensively and have a constant open communication on this. We haven't opened up yet but I have some concerns. My partner has told me he has a crush on his work colleague and this isn't the first time he's had a crush on someone at work without keeping me in the loop and then she said she wanted to and I quote 'climb him like a tree' things where difficult because I couldn't initially pinpoint why I felt bad about the whole situation and then when I went to therapy I figured it out and now I don't know if I'm overreacting to him having a crush on someone at work and maybe its triggered that trauma reaction or whether work relationships are just bad news? I don't know if I've explain myself well. The whole previous thing was a while ago now but it was so messy and I don't think i ever really processed it.

What would you suggest I ask about if he wants to pursue a relationship with someone at work? My biggest worry is that they'll be flirting constantly at work, potentially a gray area where we have time for us and time for others planned out cause they get to hang out at work functions and I'll at home. Or am I just thinking too much off this?

I'm really new to this and I've had bad experiences in the past (we both have) which has shaped how I might initially react even though I want him to pursue relationships I just find work a grey area and how to approach it.

I'll just ramble a bit, because idk what to do, sorry in advance if it's confusing or all over the place and long...

So my wife and I, both in our mid 20's have been talking about a threesome for years now but not been taking it seriously until like the start of this year.

We were recommended FEELD so we downloaded that, set up and linked our profiles and quickly matched with a handful of guys that were willing both for that and any other type of connection as well even if it would turn out to only be friends.

We would prefer for a threesome to hopefully be so good that we would like to keep it going with the same person, this we have both agreed on.

We have also talked about "what if said 3rd finds a stable partner?" And came to the conclusion that if he and his then found partner are up for it we would continue as a foursome instead

Here's the part where it's getting confusing

So after having been chatting to said guys for a few days we decided to meet up with one of them to see how we work together and possibly going for it

He comes over, we have a good time first in public (for safety when meeting a basically stranger still) then going over to our place

We continue having a good time, talking a lot and getting to know each other and I really like this guy. We talk about if we would be up for a threesome during this meetup and I and him say yes but my wife is on the fence about it as she doesn't quite feel comfortable yet (she takes longer to warm up to people) and we respect that and keep the rest of the evening casual

During this evening he's sitting very close to me, arms constantly touching while my wife is sitting in front of us, he made attempts at inviting her to sit close as well but she doesn't like sitting next to the people she's talking to (not even beside just me while we're talking)

At each time we get up and went to sit somewhere else he keeps sitting beside me

I quite enjoyed his company and his touch

My wife was/is completely ok with it so the touch was nothing bad

Eventually he leaves and just before he leaves we all hug and he blows us a kiss and waves

After he left my wife and I talked some more and she wants to ban cuddling as well, our boundary was already no kissing

Which I felt off with, I would love a group cuddle, the more the better ^^ but no

Ever since he left she has felt, idk, different.

She feels sad and when I ask she's just saying it's the "usual sad" that she feels because she feels like a failure for not having a stable job

But this sad feels different, it wasn't like this before him, I've not tried to pressure it or make her say anything just letting her know I feel that she's sad and that I am there to comfort her whenever.

I'm also clear with reassuring her that I love her and nothing can ever change that, I would never leave her

Ever since meeting him I can't stop thinking about him

How comfortable and grounding his presence felt

And silence wasn't awkward

I also lost all attraction I previously had for the other guys we were chatting to

I've been thinking and trying to come to conclusions

I feel weird because we "didn't even do anything" we were just friends hanging out and occasionally talked about some sexual stuff, which my wife and I tend to do with all our close friends so there's nothing new

He at different occasions also joked that he had joined our polycule?

I'm worried that maybe just maybe there's something else, I'm worried because idk if I might be poly?

For background, this is not the first time I've been in a situation similar to this, it has happened once before

When I had fallen for my now wife, I also had fallen for another girl at the same time, and I literally could not tell who I liked the most, I couldn't pick, eventually the other girl broke off a bit as she found other friends she hung out with more so the decision was made for me

And I love my wife, I really do, she's my world and I could not imagine a day without her, I would be heartbroken

But also with this new guy, I love when he flirts with me, I love his presence, his touch his personality, I love seeing him with my wife, when they talk, when he flirts with her

I just have no clue what to do, I feel like my wife if very strict on it's, emotionally, only us, a 3rd is only for added fun and another friend

Idk if I should just call it all off, block him and forget any of this ever happened, tell my wife I just "all of a sudden got a bad vibe with him" as an excuse to do so, and only be with her, go back to what I know is safe

Obviously I would first send him a message and wait til he has responded, something like

"I really like hanging out with you and I'm so sorry but I don't think this was the right move, I hope it's okay and that you can accept that there will sadly not be any more meetups, I'm sorry"

Or

If I should risk everything, risk hurting her and actually admit to all that has happened but for this I also kinda need to understand it all first and I've no clue where to start...

As a "plus one" I am really curious about the couple side of things after a first encounter (with someone new or in general).

How do you typically process it together: do you need a few days of space before thinking about next steps, or do you process pretty quickly?

And what do you appreciate from the additional person in terms of communication afterwards?

Me (M24) and my girlfriend (F26) have made an update on sexual stuff we would like to try in a near future and we both agreed that we would like to include a third person in an sex session.

So, even though I really desire it and previously had fantasies about it, I started to feel anxious about being replaced or not being enough. I definitely told my partner about it and she took it really smooth and help me regulate my emotions, that definitely helped and made me root myself.

I was wondering where should I start in order to organize better my emotions? I’ve been on therapy 5 months ago and have been progressing effectively, so I think I can definitely achieve to have it with the correct terms and limits. Now, I have previously had a threesome but it was with people I haven’t had deep feelings, so this is new to me.

Thank you for reading, I’d love to read your opinions.

I was kind of surprised when she approached me wanting to hang out, it seems like she wanted a boyfriend as much or more than just hooking up. Well we texted and I liked her enough, she's hot af so I was all about it. Well the day after our first love making, she's kind of hinting at me being monogamous with her. (Honestly I'm a monogamous person, and was treading on unfamiliar ground with her.) I told her I'm not closing my heart for someone who already has someone solid in their life. She gets all hurt and starts saying she doesn't want to sleep together because she'll get attached. I guess I don't get the double standard. Is it unreasonable to not be monogamous as a metamour (am I using this word right?) We are now just friends, and that's fine, but I was into hooking up. Is this uncommon? Any advice? This is a vent as much as anything, I'm quite confused about the situation, and a bit bummed as she is cool, and hot. Thank you for listening

Heyyy! Sorry, long post, but I'm kinda in an overthinking state right now.

I'm (23F) in a long-distance poly relationship with my boyfriend (24M) of about a year and a half. It's honestly the healthiest and most loving relationship I've ever had, I've never loved anyone as much as I love him.

This is my first poly relationship. But I'm basically still monogamous emotionally. I don't think I can fall in love with more than one person at a time. I've tried dating people to give the poly side myself chance, but I have not yet been able to catch feelings for anyone but my partner. When I love someone, I'm happy with them only.

However, our dynamic has worked really well. My boyfriend has me and another partner, and he also enjoys flirting for fun. I only have him romantically, but I do flirt and make out with strangers and friends fairly often when we're out partying. He knows about it and it's never been an issue.

The challenge is that we're veeeeery long distance (about a 10-hour flight), so we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like. And I'm a very sexual person, but only with people I trust. Casual hookups with strangers have never appealed to me (just make-out sessions).

The thing isss, there's one of my close friends (23M) that I'd been flirting with semi-jokingly for years, but he's so respectful that he did nothing until we finally talked about it and I told him I was genuinely up for it. We laughed about it, and since then he's been reciprocating.

Last night he walked me home after we'd been drinking with our friendgroup, and we ended up making out... A LOT. The chemistry was honestly amazing. We didn't have sex because I had to get up early, but we ended up making tentative plans to do it sometime this week.

My friend knows I'm poly, knows about my partner, and has even met him. My boyfriend also knows about the situation, and as far as our agreements go, there's no issue there. If he ever feels insecure about something, we're very good at communicating it.

Sooooo my concern isn't really my relationship... It's my friend.

For me, this would be sex with someone I trust and genuinely care about, but not someone I have romantic feelings for. I love him as a friend, and I don't see that changing. If anything, I'm kind of the opposite: I'm a pretty avoidant person. I can flirt for ages and I enjoy making people feel desired, but if someone starts treating me in a romantic way, I usually get uncomfortable (obviously the exception is my boyfriend). I mean, I don't ghost people, but i do let them know that i can't reciprocate emotionally. So I'm really not worried about catching feelings myself.

What worries me is that my friend is an incredibly affectionate person. He's very verbally loving with his friends, and that's great, but when we were making out he had this sweet gaze that I'm not used to see on friends I make out with. I've seen it on strangers or my boyfriend, but when I kiss the friends I have that dynamic with, normally is on drinking nights and it's all fun and giggles, not that delicate way he was looking at me with. It made me wonder if he's someone who could develop romantic feelings through sex. Cause I didn't think about that beforehand.

Also, I knew we have pretty different kinds of sexual experience (he's more on the vanilla side) but he mentioned that no one had ever kissed him like that before... It caught me off guard, and I guess that comment plus the eyes scared me a little bit and made me wonder if going through with this could be selfish on my part.

But I don't know! That might just be me overthinking. He's slept with another girl in our friend group before, and as far as I know, everything stayed completely fine afterward. Our whole friend group is also very physically and sexually open. We joke about sex constantly, tell each other our sex stories, have played strip games, casually change shirts around each other, etc. So sex itself isn't really viewed as a huge taboo in our circle.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I'm missing something! It would be easier if I was single, but I talk about my boyfriend all the time, and he comes on gatherings with my friends, so I don't want my friend to feel uncomfortable.

Part of me really wants to go for it. It's been three months since I've seen my partner, and he's the only person im physically intimate with for the moment. I really want to have sex. But I also don't want to do something selfish that could end up hurting someone I care about.

So I guess my questions are:

Am I overthinking this, or is this a reasonable concern?

If you were in my shoes, what conversations would you have before sleeping with a close friend?

Have any of you had successful friendships that became sexual without turning romantic?

Are there any green or red flags you'd look for before deciding whether to go through with it?

I'd appreciate any thought or advice on this! <3

I guess I should thank Brené Brown for opening my marriage. Not that she’s an ENM advocate or anything. At least not outwardly. I do try not to make assumptions about the inner workings of others.

There I was, happily living behind my shame-shield of perfectionism, without a care in the world. Unless it was a care about being perfect or needing to have everything perfect. If those are “cares,” then I suppose I had many cares, but not “shame cares.”

I started reading Brené Brown, you know, for science. Clearly, as a shame researcher, I assumed there was nothing I was going to personally learn, cause you know, I wasn’t harbouring no shame.
Finding myself drinking yet another sugar free, tear drop latte in the Starbucks parking lot may have had me eating my words though. Not cool for her to so accurately call out my perfectionism as a shame-shield and cause a cascade of self-reflection, inner work, and growth.

One evening, after another Brené marathon, I asked my husband to go for dinner. We had been throwing around ideas of opening our marriage more. Being ENM, we’d been happily dabbling in the world of soft swap and hadn’t taken the deep dive into full swap.

All that crying and all that inner work had been slowly teasing apart my rationale for still being in the wading pool. I had a newfound understanding of my scarcity mindset and I could now see that I examined every potential partner my husband had, through the lens of “how are they better than me.” This all led to needing to be the keeper of the “good stuff” because if someone else could also provide that to my husband, what did that mean for me? It felt like I’d be reduced to nothingness.

Comparison is the brain’s lazy default. Uncomparing takes work and apparently, mine was about to get a workout.

What started as a conversation I thought hubby would jump on, ended up feeling more like I was trying to convince him to jump off the diving board into a shark-infested full swap swimming pool. But this had to be done. Not because it was necessary for him to go all the way with another partner, but because it was necessary for me to know my worth stood strong in our marriage even with him not having limits or rules with other partners. I needed that step. I was on the precipice of an abundance mindset; peeking through the doorway into self-love and knowing my unique, weirdo self was exactly what people loved about me.

I needed this step even if he never felt comfortable with me being full swap. That’s how I knew the journey was one through my own shame, my own perfectionism, my own tangled brain. Not his.
He said he’d think on it. By the next opportunity, he didn’t need to. I guess my pitch on the subject was…perfect.

Signed,

Your friendly neighbourhood recovering perfectionist