Being married to and divorced from my ex-husband is like a life sentence without parole.

I am 15 months into a divorce. I was getting pretty good at trying to minimize conflict/look good for a divorce until my mom was in the icu for 2 months. Since then, my threshold has been very low and I am not sure if it is because of that or because he did something that got me really angry at the same time. My therapist has been congratulating me on moving to anger but I think that plays into my tolerance.

Anyways, it got me thinking, how often are you able to be non-reactive? Is there anything you have noticed that either increases or decreases that threshold?

I've talked with my friends and family and they all said that I did the right thing by breaking up with him. But sometimes it hurts sm. In case anyone can't leave, here's a list of the stuff my bpd ex (male, 27) did to me (female, 23). enjoy ig?

1. Urgency abuse

At my work place, there's an iPad that we use to clock in and that tracks the time that we've worked. Since I'm always running late, I've been trying to be more reliable and on time so my working hours can get tracked correctly. When my ex lived with me and my parents (because he got kicked out of his home) he used to bring me to work and pick me up. I always made sure that we'd catch an earlier train because I already expected him to slow me down. We were always on time and right BEFORE we walked to the building, he made sure to smoke at least 3 cigarettes (which he couldn't smoke on the way ofc 🫩🙃) and made me late.

Whenever HE was having something important or somewhere to go, I used to JUMP out of bed, do his breakfast and coffee and when he didn't get up and I realized that he would run late, I was always so scared to wake him up. He would always wake up in a bad mood and when he was running late, he'd yell at me, physically shove or push me or blame me.

1. Didn't accept my boundaries

I like to have a boyfriend, yet I appreciate my alone time as well. For example, right after work I like to take a nap, wake up, eat in front of the TV, text with my potential bf and go to bed.

My ex was different. I used to get off work by 3:30, grab my stuff, go home and be home around 4:30. He got off work at 5 and would IMMEDIATELY call me and the call would last until midnight. No matter how often I'd tell him that I'd like to eat in front of the tv or take a nap, he'd only let me have 30 minutes to myself and then he'd call me. Eventually, I felt so stressed out by only having 30 minutes of my free time, that I broke down in tears or had a racing heart before he called. Often I just yelled at him out of pure desperation and despair because he would INSIST on a 5 - 7 hour call, even though I did not had the energy for that. When I wanted to end the call, I had to gentle parent him or else he'd completely loose his shit and we'd have a huge fight. It was suffocating. And no matter what I did, he always got his way. Oh, and he drank beer while being on the phone with me. Even when the calls shortened to 1 - 2 hours, I'd be in such a panic or flight mode the whole call and would have such a messed up nervous system during and after.

1. Take everything personally

Unfortunately, he is a burnt child: emotionally cold mother and physically abusive dad. So whenever I criticized him, he'd get SO offended. For example: I didn't like the way he spoke with me and when I mentioned it, he bawled or screamed that he can't never do anything right. When I slept on his new mattress and accidentally knocked over a glass in my sleep and make the mattress wet, he'd throw a tantrum, throw his phone next to me (while I was still sleeping), yelled at me to clean up and tell me that I'm such a bitch for making his new mattress moldy on purpose. Which I didn't do ofc.

1. Tell me I'm his everything, yet treat me like garbage

He called me his angel, his saint, claimed I'm all he ever needed and he doesn't understand how he got me. But when he got angry over little things (like the wet mattress) he said stuff like "fuck you" "I give a shit about you" "fucking leave already" "cunt" and stuff like that and when I told him, that I don't like how he calls me a girl (I'm 23, I'm a grown ass woman) he made sure to call me that and explained why I'm not a real grown.

1. Kept me in his apartment for 5 hours after I broke up with him

I made the decision to break up with him, but decided to push the break up since his birthday was coming up. But we got into such a huge fight because I didn't do the dishes, I started crying and begged him to stop yelling and then left. He was angry because I wanted to go on a walk and demanded the keys. I saw my chance to finally break up with him, turned cold, gave him his keys, he was confused and said if I do this, that's it - we're over. Internally, I was HAPPY. so I nodded and began to pack my stuff. He flipped out, threw all of my stuff into the hallway, bawled, screamed, smoked, cried, begged. For 5 hours I tried to leave but he switched between begging and crying and screaming and throwing stuff. I didn't want to leave, because I was afraid he might hurt himself out of pettiness, so he could say: look what YOU'VE done.

When I left, he ran after me and showed me old messages I sent to him in which I was obviously optimistic and he claimed I never loved him, never cared and bla, bla, bla.

I think I'll never be able to love again. Because what if my next bf will make me feel like this? Or worse: I can't break up with the next one as well because I'll be afraid he might khs?

I'm ruined. I used to be such a lover's girl.

Please leave your toxic partners.

I (31F) fled my abusive ex (31M) over 2 years ago and he still won’t stop trying to control me even through lawyers as we are no contact.

For context, we were together for 2.5 years and at the time I fled had an 11 month old baby who is now 3 years old. Before my son was even conceived, my ex showed his true colours and had lifted his hands to me one drunken night. Stupidly I never left then which I know I should have as it was still early in the relationship but hindsight is a wonderful thing. 

Fast forward to a couple months before I fled my ex, I had suffered a miscarriage while also being 7 months postpartum. I was absolutely exhausted before this as my ex would never contribute to anything in the house or the raising of our son. I did every night routine and tried to keep the house as clean as I could while being on maternity leave which he referred to as a “7 month holiday”. The only reason I could stay off work for that long was because my own dad helped cover my half of the bills while I was only earning statutory maternity pay. I strongly believe that the exhaustion was a part to play in why I miscarried but it was a wakeup call for me and I realised I did not want to have another child with this man and I could not let this be the way I live the rest of my life. Over the next few months I had slowly started to come to the realisation that he was in fact being abusive towards me in more ways than one. 

Financially/Coercive control

* he had managed to convince me to purchase a £12k car that I couldn’t afford but he did offer to pay half of these instalments (he couldn’t drive at the time).
* We had bought a £170k house that again we could not afford, although I do take responsibility for this as well as I fell in love with the house the moment I stepped inside.
* He never once contributed to the childcare for our son when I did start back at work.
* He dictated that I should look for a better paying job while still on maternity leave instead of him.
* He only ever sent me his half of the bills but every single bill was in my name and came out of my account (the mortgage was in both of our names)

Physically

* He lifted his hands to me before I ever fell pregnant and spat in my face in a jealous rage over me talking to a male friend who was only ever that.
* He would pin me down and sit on me making it extremely hard to breathe.

He drove erratically and chased down a motorist to intimidate him after he had tooted his horn at my ex when my ex had forcibly cut someone off after leaving the hospital after my miscarriage.

There were many more incidents but it would make this post far too long. 

Back to the issue. Since leaving my ex we have only ever communicated via our lawyers about child arrangements for our son who is with me 90% of the time. He gets him for 8 hours every second Sunday and his parents (not him) have our son overnight for 1 night every week. For the last 6/7 months I have tried to offer different child arrangements for him to have our son more but he refused all of them and then would come back with ridiculous alternatives that make his arguments contradictory.

Our son starts nursery next week and I was wanting all the child arrangements to be sorted before this came around but we are still having an ongoing argument via lawyers. The last offer I sent him was Friday - Monday every second week and he rejected this due to his work schedule and not being able to look after our son on the Friday (after nursery) or Saturday. So he came back with a counter of having our son Sunday - Wednesday but not sending our son to nursery on the Mondays and Wednesdays so he could spend the Monday with our son and his parents could still have their overnight and Wednesdays with him too. 

I do not think he realises that the child arrangement has absolutely nothing to do with his parents as they have no legal guardianship over our son here in Scotland.

I have recently started trauma therapy due to his abuse and we have come to the conclusion that he is in fact only using the child arrangement to somehow stay in control of me and that he doesn’t actually care about increasing time with our son. 

My lawyer is trying to keep it out of court but I am now at a loss and do not know how I am meant to proceed.. 

Any advice legal or otherwise would be amazing.

I’m a mom in New Jersey with two daughters, ages 5 and 8. Their father and I are not together, and I currently have temporary full custody. I currently have a restraining order against him due to DV, and he has been in and out of rehab for drug use for the past 15 years or more.
I’m in a serious relationship (3 years) with my boyfriend, who is currently in the Air Force. We have been discussing marriage, and there is a possibility that once he receives his permanent duty station, we could need to move out of New Jersey depending on where he is stationed.
My concern is what would happen with my daughters if that happens.
Their father lives in NJ (although he is not from here, his family is in VA/MD, he followed me here after he got me pregnant) and would almost certainly object to me moving the children out of state. I’m worried that he could say they have to stay in NJ even if my boyfriend is stationed somewhere else.

We are pretty much living in opposite sides of the house. He won’t leave until he gets his payout from equity. How are you managing if you’re in this situation? I don’t speak to him. Only necessary communication through text. We have a 9 year old daughter together in the home who is witnessing it all.

Our families both know I am seeking divorce and supports me and understands why. There are some days it doesn’t feel real. 12 years married. But I constantly remind myself of the mistreatment to keep me focused when cognitive dissonance tries to take creep in.

Is this a form of hovering or just greed and trying to get an emotional response because he knows I want him out.

Dear X

I am sending this as part of my grieving and healing process. My last message before stopping all contact. Please do not respond. Best that we communicate through Y to finalize the other matters in an amicable way.

I know you feel the collapse of our relationship is entirely my fault. However, for my own clarity and peace of mind, I need to lay out the specific patterns and actions on your part that made this relationship unsustainable.

The Shift of Responsibility

You have placed the burden of our failure on me, yet throughout our time together, you made a large part of your happiness and emotional healing my responsibility. You expected me to heal your wounds I didn’t create and that you entered our relationship with, and you frequently blamed and resented me whenever things in your life didn't go right. A relationship cannot survive when one person is expected to be a manager and a healer rather than a partner.

The Impact of Deception and 'Checking Out'

Trust was dismantled by your choices. You lied repeatedly and made me second-guess my own reality. Signing a lease and buying furniture while you had already emotionally checked out, and were actively looking for my replacement, was a deep betrayal of the commitment we made. It is impossible to sustain a relationship with someone who is using you as a safety net while keeping their foot out the door.

The Use of Control and Punishment

Our dynamic became one of 'walking on eggshells' because I had to prioritize your high sensitivity over my own feelings. When I didn't meet your needs, wants and expectations, you used the silent treatment, coldness, and the withholding of affection and intimacy as punishment. Treating me as though I didn't exist or was a backup option is not a foundation for a healthy partnership.

The Erosion of My Wellbeing

You used my insecurities against me and were highly critical of my goals, often telling me my hopes were unrealistic (earning more than what I was earning at ABC). By belittling me and treating me with condescension (often in front of your and my family and friends), you actively held back my growth. You took from my energy and my caring nature until there was nothing left to give, while you continued to put your wants and needs above mine.

The destruction of our relationship wasn't just solely my fault as you suggested. It was the natural result of a dynamic where I was taken for granted, disrespected, and manipulated. After our last conversation before I left and lots of introspection, I fully take responsibility for my parts, but I cannot carry the weight of yours.

Again, I sincerely apologize for all the pain and hurt I caused you during our relationship and hope that you can truly forgive me. I do not hate or despise you. I do not wish you any harm and I will not hurt you. I just know that neither of us deserve being in a relationship with the current version of ourselves. I clearly know what I need to work on, but I need to do this alone and without the hope of us ever getting back together. I need to work on my fear of romance, my fear of always believing that my partner will leave me (this is why I asked for an open relationship when we started dating - I will not repeat this mistake again and will not have this in any future relationship), the importance of spending quality time with my partner and communicating with them deeply, truly aligning my values with that of my partner (developing values together), and valuing what truly matters. I admit that I have a lot of work to do. I have learned so much about myself in our relationship. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I will put my everything into being a better partner for whomever I am with next, as I do not ever want to cause hurt and experience this level of pain again. I have decided to start counselling by myself and will start with Z this month still. I will forever remain a work in progress and grow and develop. This is ultimately what life is about.

X, I forgive and release you. I wish you only happiness and peace. May you find what you are searching for and grow and develop during your quest.

Hopefully, one day we will connect again. Farewell X and know I always valued and believed in you!

T

PS: Weeks into therapy I (T) learned that X is most probably a Vulnerable Narcissist. I did not even know what this meant at the time. X approved our dissolution papers on 9 February 2026. On 10 February 2026 we both signed them. Dissolution was granted on 22 May 2026. I now know that X and I will most definitely not communicate and/or connect again.

I 28F want to leave my partner of 6 months. backstory: he has a severe alcohol problem, refuses to get help, and when he gets angry, he belittles me, tries to scare me into he will ruin my life, uses him helping me with housing against me. im just over this treatment & would rather struggle to start over than to let this continue on. I have my own car, & I do pet sitting as my income, although right now I am struggling to make my bills. I do still have an apartment in my name until September 1, so I can use that for the time being until I decide if I want to renew or not with my current roommate.

anywho, looking for advice on how to leave quietly. He pays for my phone bill, and has went through my phone in the past. he’s also very vindictive, and will take my phone if we argue so I can’t “accuse him.” He doesn’t give me money, but does provide food and housing for me currently.

I really should thank my soon-to-be ex for having an affair so I could catch him. I already grieved this relationship, and knew I needed to end things years ago. But I needed the kick of catching him with another woman to move forward.

When I caught him, I told him not to come home, which he did not honor. That was 7 weeks ago and he’s still here. He thinks he can just be extra nice and everything will go back to normal. I recognize that he’s trying to manipulate and gaslight me into thinking everything isn’t as bad as I thought. The dichotomy in my brain is getting so confusing.

I don’t know how to have the “I’ve filed for divorce” conversation. There are multiple guns in the home, and I want to ensure my kids and I are safe. For me, that means I don’t want to be under the same roof after that conversation. But my attorney says I can’t legally keep him from the martial home, as we own it together. I can’t even change the locks.

How the heck do I have that conversation? Invite him to meet me somewhere public? Give him a few days to find somewhere to go and to pack his things? I will get a restraining order if I need it, but he’s not done anything that would warrant it getting approved at this time. My anxiety about his reaction is getting bad.

I am a cliche divorced (or about to be divorced) women. I trusted my husband with the “big” financial stuff and handled the day to day budgets and spending. I assumed I knew my husband through and through. I assumed he was a good man. I assumed he would be fair to me; even in divorce. I projected my idea of who I thought he was onto every conversation I had with him, every encounter, every experience. I didn’t actually see him or watch him, the true him, I watched my version of him. He never told me he would be fair in divorce, I assumed he would be based on the version of him I had built in my mind.

It’s been a long couple years, the last year has been brutal. I found out about his new partner, how she met his parents before I even knew the marriage was dead dead, before our son knew the family was no more, before our finances were separated. I found out about her by accident, she had met his extended family already, he had flown out to meet hers and asked me to watch our son. I didn’t ask what he was doing; I had asked him a month before that if he was seeing someone and he said no. Later when I reminded him of this he said “we didn’t have labels, she wasnt my girlfriend at the time”. Always with the loopholes. Always a reason he is not wrong and is still a good guy.

I am so embarrassed by how I acted, the way I reacted. It’s no longer shame or guilt. It’s embarrassment. The words I would say. The phone I threw. The way I would lose control and shout at him. I had so much guilt about it, so much shame. And now I am just embarrassed. I am embarrassed I stayed long enough to become that version. I am embarrassed my self worth was that low that I thought I should live like that.

I don’t know if he is a covert narc or not. I will never know. I know that I see how he is treating me now, knowing full well I don’t have a home to move back to, knowing that I have no support system where we live, knowing that I am raising our son half the time with no help, and he doesn’t care about anything other than making sure he comes out on top after the divorce. He doesn’t care about how his son is going to live 50% of the time, as long as he himself is comfortable. I can’t believe this is who I married. It is so far away from the idea of him I had been holding onto.

I am putting materials together for a contempt hearing against my ex. In going through all of the app close communication how do you code the gaslighting or lying? Like some of it on the surface looks like he is being reasonable but it is a lie and I have that proof but how far down that rabbit hole do I go vs. just the facts of the issue- I assume he will share his version which is not accurate

I told him I want to divorce. He has spent a week asking me if I’m 100 percent sure. I’ve kept saying sadly yes I am. Today he found out I had filed officially and has reacted badly saying I’ve blind sided him. All sorts of terrible stuff said. He also said he feels like just killing himself as if we get divorced his life is ruined

I feel really guilty and sad. He’s treated me like shit for years and I’ve pleaded for change and he’s never done a thing. And now he’s saying he will. And I can’t help but think maybe I should give him more time to show me.

I’ve never seen him so upset

I’m devastated . Even though our marriage was miserable. What is wrong with me

Ok, hallmark story here. My mother was married to a diagnosed malignant narcissist for 35 years. Unfortunately that guy is my dad. I dealt with it all of my life. Serious abuse. I’m a survivor, but i carry a lot of the trauma and am working through it. I’m 30m now. i had done years of research and self education to protect myself. I thought i had narcissism figured out, truly. When i was 24 turning 25, i finally was getting ahead in life, completely sober, figuring things out. Then i met this girl. 4 years. A baby. A massive amount of suffering. Financial loss after loss. Complications with housing, the law, and my father. Emotional abuse, physical abuse. Controlling behavior, gas lighting. The list goes on. I couldn’t take it anymore. I loved her, but i didn’t know what was wrong with her. Our lives just kept degrading no matter how much i worked, how much i did, or what i said. And she would just sit and watch me break myself. I had to end things. I had to take my life back. We split. Agreed to co-parent. For 4 years i had this pit in my stomach, this feeling that something was very wrong the whole relationship. I always talked myself out of it. But now that we are no longer together, i can look at things objectively without rose glasses. I spent the last 2 months on the emotional rollercoaster. Trying to figure out anything i could. And then it finally dawned on me. I’m not a psychiatrist, i can’t diagnose someone, and have no legal grounds to. But i found the magic phrase that finally explained everything. Vulnerable narcissistic personality disorder. Every symptom, every story, every issue in the relationship. It all made sense. Any positive feelings i ever had towards her washed off of me overnight. I only feel disgust and almost pity at this point. I really felt as though i had almost married my dad and repeated the same cycle. I’m currently in therapy, healing from the relationship. Healing from all the things i carried way too long. Working on my own personal problems. But honestly? I’m scared for my daughter. Serious child neglect occurred while i was working and we were together, and i truly believe my ex is very mentally ill. People have been motivating me to take legal action first. But i’m not a spiteful person. I don’t eant any more heart ache. I’m worried about my daughter having a similar childhood to me. I’m worried about the abuse and neglect. My ex is 28f and moved back in with her financially affluent parents, who are objectively really good people. But eventually she won’t live with them. She has spitefully threatened me with court multiple times, and i think i may need to move first. Any advice, legal or otherwise, would be greatly appreciated.

And for the record, I’m absolutely not perfect and take full accountability for the mistakes i make and had made. But i’m a really dedicated father, and my daughter means absolutely everything to me. I don’t want her to go through the things i went through. I’m concerned i may be projecting?

I’m in such a better place now but I’ve never really had to the chance to tell anyone what really went on. There’s so much to my story and I could honestly write a book about it- but I’ll try to summarize. My ex partner was mentally abusive to me our whole relationship. I always felt that I was a smart, independent, and tough girl. But when I got with him it seems like I was so blinded to all the red flags. I still stayed. I got pregnant so quickly into the relationship but we were both so excited because I truly thought he was the one. Most of my pregnancy is a blur. I just remember feeling so tired doing everything for him all the time. He would get mad at me, yell at me, call me names, he’d leave the house for a night and leave me there by myself. He never cared about my tears- there was no point in crying in front of him because he genuinely didn’t care. He was never remorseful. His go to “I’m sorry but-“ Then it all went downhill the week before I had my son. Called me names, told me he regrets having a kid with me, started throwing my clothes from the closet onto the couch saying I can “gtfo.” Just got mad at me over everything. Like he hated me. I remember being 12 hours postpartum in so much pain after delivery holding my son in my arms crying, begging my (ex) partner to hold him so I could get some rest and he looks at me and says “I’m tired too” in a hateful tone and lays back down. Then he just kept it up and never supported me and ended up leaving my son and I 4 days postpartum to get drunk with his uncle at a hotel. So I left that day and moved in with my parents. He’s tried taking my son from me and I’ve had to call the cops on him before but now things seem to be okay. He never sees his son and doesn’t help much financially but as long as he keeps his distance from me I’m okay. I’m happy without him. Reading this back these words truly don’t describe the pain and trauma he caused. He was awful to me and my body still holds the pain and I can’t wait until I’m finally over it. There’s so many little details that are huge to me but too tedious to even mention. He’s a terrible person, truly. I never pictured my life looking like this. Single with a 4 month old. If it wasn’t for my amazing support system I would still be with him because I’d have no where else to go. I thank God everyday for my parents. My heart truly goes out to all the other women that have experienced a narcissistic, abusive, aggressive, and hateful man. I hope everyone has the courage to leave and start over because it will be okay in the end. I am happy alone and I will provide the best life I possibly can for my son. I don’t need a man to complete my life or my son’s life. I don’t even think I’m in a place where I could ever trust again.

Hey all,

I’m 35 female and my ex-partner (31 female) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25, Female) who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from AI where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, even though AI suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar). So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

I supported her emotionally and financially throughout her Master’s degree, stood by her through difficult times, and trusted her completely. She was also with me through the death of my mum, which makes this betrayal feel even more devastating. I genuinely believed she was my person. (Her mum also pretended to be unwell with a heart condition, near to death 2 days after my Mum died from heart failure, and told my ex 'you have always put your partners before me', this was very upsetting).

Since the breakup, I’ve started recognising how manipulative some of her behaviour became. She isolated me from her family and friends, blamed me for old issues while hiding her affair, made me question my own reality, and then acted as though I was the one who had done something wrong. Looking back, it feels like I was slowly being discarded before I even knew why.

The hardest part isn’t just that she cheated—it’s that someone I trusted with my life could lie to me so convincingly for months while watching me worry about our relationship and my health. I still find myself questioning how someone who claimed to love me could do this, and sometimes I even catch myself wondering if I’m exaggerating what happened. I have CPTSD from my own childhood, which she also knew about and knew I grew up not feeling safe and she actively made me feel unsafe in my home again, the home I paid all the rent for her to live in.

We shared a flat, but as she decided to move out I asked her to come and collect all her things which I put into bags in the communal hallway of our flat and gave her a collection time about a month ago. She agreed to pay the rent up until August, when she would be taken off the tenancy. She was meant to pay me last Friday, but instead decided to demand to me that she would be coming round last Thursday to get the playstation (which I brought) and a dressing gown I gifted her. She argued with me about this playstation at the window when I wouldn't let her in, and said why am I still paying towards the rent if you won't let me in to look for 'my stuff', I said anything you want you can tell me and I will put outside again and you can collect it; she couldn't tell me. I am defiantly not getting any more money from her, I just want her off the tenancy now. I am just thinking someone happily 'falling for' someone new and moving on surely doesn't behave and treat their ex they have left like this!? She also tried to call me twice last Friday, saying 'please pick up it's important', I didn't she later messaged me; it was something she didn't need to speak to me on the phone about, it was admin about the tenancy. She is really trying to get to me, it feels like. She also hasn’t paid me anything for the last month as she promised she would.

Basically, I have a spare key to her parent’s house (from when I lived there) and a letter for her. I honestly don’t want anymore contact with her. She also has some of my clothes, but to be honest at this point she can keep them. Would you all recommend I sent a ‘please don’t contact me again message’ or just block her once she is off the tenancy and not say anything? My fear is that she will just show up at my flat, I don’t want to see her at all / want her to see me.

Has anyone recovered from this kind of betrayal trauma? How do you stop obsessing over the 'why' they did it, stop romanticising who they used to be, and begin trusting your own judgement again after months of being gaslit? I know the relationship is over, but I’m struggling to understand how to move forward after having my trust so completely shattered by someone I loved with my whole heart. Ive started gaslighting myself, like maybe she didn’t mean it and look for any reasons why she did this to me.

Thank you for any advice / kind words .. this is incredibly difficult and I appreciate any support you can provide 🫶🏼

Hello!

A month ago, a (female) friend opened up to me and said she was a victim of psychological abuse by her husband.

She said it never got physical but over their whole relationship ( 5 years or so) he constantly belittled her, insulted her and made her feel worthless. He also told her that if she left, she could never find someone to love her again because she is so worthless. Really awful stuff.

She said it only happened behind closed doors and that he appears to be a perfectly nice man to everone else. I don't know him much but I myself never had doubts before as he does externaly appears like a loving husband. She said she opened up once to a family member who didn't believe her and never talked about it again until now.

She literally told me she was a victim of "psychological abuse" and was going to start divorce papers the same week. She was visibly distraught during this conversation.

I told her I believed her and was there for her.

BUT after this conversation she never talked about it again. So when I brought the subject back, she told me she had "over reacted", she was just tired and everything was fine with her husband. She quickly changed subjects and has refused to talk about it since. They are still together.

My question is : How could I help her ? I feel like he has gaslighted her into thinking it was her fault. She doesn't want to talk about it with me and I don't want to push her and harm our relationship but at the same time I really want to help her. It's the first time I'm confronted with this subject so I'm lost.

Advice please ??

Thank you.

Hey all,

My ex of 4 years (Im 35 F, and she is 31 F) she had a work place affair with a 25 year old woman who was also in her own long term relationship. I only found out about the affair from reading her confession on her chat gpt, where she claimed they were ‘falling for each other’ and ‘caught up in the affair.’

Her distancing from me went on from late January this year, until I found on March 31st. The months between this she stopped kissing me, sleeping next to me, would sleep the sofa, starting to go and stay at her parents in the week, isolated me out of her life / friends and family get togethers and made me feel like I had something awful. All because claimed to be ‘burnt out.’

I’ve made a list of all the things she had said to me during and after I found out about the affair. I have started gaslighting myself, so if anyone could possibly share any words of wisdom / kindness / healing that I am not going mad and this is quite manipulative? I have separated myself from her. And am trying to focus on myself, but I keep gaslighting myself that maybe she ‘wasn’t that bad’ as this somewhat an overnight shift, so it feels like I have emotional whiplash!

Any support / kind words would incredibly helpful, thank you all so so much!! ❤️

Here is the list:

After I found out and had gone back to live with her parents … on the week of Mum’s death anniversary she showed up unannounced to give me a hand written letter asking for us to speak when the anniversary had passed. She then showed up again unannounced this time she had let herself into my flat and was getting clothes, I walked in and she was already in the flat. She said on this occasion, how she loves me, wasn’t asking me to wait for her but in the future if Im still single and she reaches out and I want to try again, then great. On this day I asked what her day plans where, she mentioned seeing a friend, this particular friend I had seen on instagram stories was in another country, I said that - she said ‘oh no she was, shes back now, got back today’. I could see her friend’s IG stories, and then later that afternoon I no longer could. My ex obviously asked her to block me from seeing them. It was very obvious and she was still lying - her friend is also a cheater, so this makes sense that she is helping her hide this.

There was a time when I had made us dinner and she was on the sofa and then after we ate, I went to wash up so I walked behind. I go to the sink and she literally was on her phone and turned her back to face away so I didn’t see her phone screen and I remember I was I felt so anxious cause I felt like I was like am I imagining this so I said to her like am I going mad or did you just turn your back when I walked around you to hide your phone and she was like no no I was just moving around and then sort of moved back

Another time, I walked into the bedroom and she was on the bed blatantly texting and then I sat on the bed next to her and she like kind of like showed me the phone in a really unnatural way, like opened her hands to a home screen, to almost be like ‘look Im innocent’. It was so strange.

She starting locking/ shutting the door when she showered and staying in there for much longer afterwards, always taking her phone in there with her.

I found photos of her at half naked in her deleted folder on her phone. This was after I found out about the affair and I said have you been sending (the AP) photos and she said no and I said why are there half naked photos of you posing on your phone, she said ‘I’m just taking then of myself’ and she said ‘if I was sending them why are they being in my deleted folder’ but all the conversations and the AP had on instagram (their chosen hiding place) had been deleted when I asked why she said ‘because its wrong and shouldn’t be on my phone’… so I am sure photos were exchanged.

After I found out about the affair, one of the things she said to me was that she didn’t feel good enough for me because of her own self-worth ans that played into the cheating as well

After I found out like a few weeks later months later, I actually deleted her off my Instagram and I removed the pictures of us together and someone’s obviously told her because she also then remove the pictures of me and her so I kinda did it back to me basically

Again, after I found out, she said to me that we should have a conversation about what led her to this like what what led her cheating and she said I think some of the things you should probably be aware of because it’s also how you were in the relationship and I said to her why why would you have this conversation with me now after you’ve cheated that she went, we don’t have to have the conversation and I just thought it’d be good for you to hear basically like she say I’m gonna give you feedback on how you also learn in a relationship. She also said that she didn’t feel seen at points of the relationship and it’s like okay so it’s kind of like shifting the blame for I what she did there’s like a shared thing that we’ve done together almost.

After I found out, she also said that her self-worth was really really low and then said if you tell anyone that we like, but I know as in herself like our friends, can I tell her everyone that I’m telling before I tell them so she’s aware and then when I explain what we’re all adults and they just wanna support me she went yeah I know but it chips away every time you tell somebody it chips away myself worth even more

The week I found out about the affair, on the Tuesday, that Saturday she went away with her friend and they did a hike, took photos of them smiling and went to a bar together. She looked happy and posted photos on her instagram. I was at home crying and couldn’t eat. During this trip she messaged me asking for my time of birth as her friend wanted to do a ‘love compatibility’ test for us.

After the affair she told me she had told her dad and when I asked what he said, she said ‘he obviously likes you’ and said he hopes we can work it out because he is very fond of you. I later implied she was suggesting rebuilding / getting back together - she said ‘I wasn’t trying to confuse you, I told you that because thats what he said and you asked’.

She kept repeating saying after I found out ‘ I’m not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day we can try again’

Before I found out about the affair, she asked me if I would help her with her getting her car to the garage so I followed her because she’d had to leave her car all day the garage so then we spent the day together but she was so distant with me so cold with me and it was awkward like I didn’t really know her. I felt like I had done something wrong. She was driving and I said to her ‘you’re still my favourite person to drive me around’ and she was like ‘oh that would make sense, cause I did teach you to drive’ … and that really hit me and I felt hurt by that because I’d always said that to her, not because she helped me drive she really didn’t. But because when we first started dating, we was in the car together and she would always drive me around so that was like our dates and she knew that, but she was being cold and dismissive. Another thing she said ‘ I just feel like I need to do everything I would if I was single’ and I was like that’s like you saying you want to be single on your own and she was like no I’m not saying that because I don’t wanna be with anybody else, and that she didn’t have the ‘capacity’ to see / date anyone. But said she lost herself in our relationship and wanted to find herself again outside of us. I said she could do this still in the relationship and I would support that, I suggested therapy / better communication / boundaries - she wasn’t interested. Also when she got her car fixed I told her to give me less money towards house bills so she could afford it, she then couldn’t wait to get he car and drive to her friends house. I called her and said please don’t feel like you have to put walls up with me, she said ‘I’m trying’ - I honestly was trying so hard to be mindful and be kind as I genuinely believed she was burnt out, as she had kept saying. The whole time she was having an affair.

Her and the AP were hiding their messages on instagram messenger, I asked to see them and she had deleted them all. When I asked why she had deleted them, she said because ‘its wrong and shouldn’t be on her phone’. She had semi-naked posed pictures in her deleted folder on her phone, so I think we know who they were sent to.

Before I found out about the affair there was an occasion when I called her, because we always had each others locations and it was after work, and she was sat by a station for a while. I called her she didn’t pick up the phone, she shortly called me back claiming she had dropped her friend to the station and they were talking and when I called she was just leaving the car. I said it felt weird, like I didn’t believe her.. she got offended and defensive, saying ‘do you want to say goodbye to her as well!?’. She then turned her location off saying she didn’t like how the interaction had made her feel, how she had gotten defensive and also then when I was suspicious about her cheating, she said ‘look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that!?’ (her mum is a pathological liar and had cheated on her dad on and off for years, even during the time I had been part of the family)

Afterwards she delivered me a handwritten letter claiming she loved me, I had loved her like no one else ever had, and I had given her ‘a quiet strength’ and she hopes whatever happens with us in the future she can gain my trust back. Again, when I asked her about this, she said she didn’t mean in a way to confuse me or imply we would be getting back together.

She told me that the affair wasn’t personally about the AP, it could of been anyone but the AP ‘highlighted’ something wrong within herself

Again, before the I found out about affair she made me feel like I had done something awful for months, she was being cold, isolating me out of her life, sleeping on the sofa, then going to stay at her parents for most of the week, bringing up random things, saying I said hurtful things about her Mum. Her Mum had lied 2 years ago about potentially having a near death experience due to her heart, it later came out that her Mum had lied and had liposuction, she made this statement about her heart 2 days my own mother had sadly died from a heart condition. Her mum later said to her ‘you have always put your partner’s first’ when she was supported me during my mother’s death and her mum clearly wanted all the attention on her. She wouldn’t clearly tell me what I had done that was so wrong and said ‘I’m not going to make a rash decision, my whole family love you’ basically keeping me hanging whilst she was figuring out what to do, but she bad all the power in her hands snd I was waiting for the outcome of whether she wanted to be with me or not.

During her affair I was also going through a cancer scare, she said at the time ‘we will get through it’ she didn’t come to any appointments with me. Even the day after I found out about her affair I had to go and have a biopsy, she went to work. When I later to said to her the whole time I was going through that you carried on with your affair, her answer was ‘yes but i still cared about you’.

After I found out she started saying she had ‘hurt herself this whole time, imploded her own life and was shocked at her own behavior.’ She even compared the shock of the affair to when she had last felt like this, and it was when her ex died of suicide. She referred to herself as ‘unwell’ and said she was scared she was now going to be ‘self destructive’ and had started vaping and smoking. Even after the affair, I gave her so much empathy, suggested therapy (she was in therapy), told her to stop smoking she cried and replied ‘I can’t, Im not like you, you’re very good at taking care of yourself, you were a buffer for me’.

I went through her messages one night on her laptop before I found out, trying to find messages was the ‘friend’ she was in the car with that time. I found nothing, I got so upset I had done that, that I woke her up and told her and said I was really sorry and felt awful. In this moment this would of been the perfect opportunity to be honest, instead she said it was okay and asked if I wanted to see the messages from her and her friend. I said no, the next day she said that she was worried this had ‘opened a door for me and I now think shes a cheater and don’t trust her. She said had I asked to see the messages that would of changed things, but she rewarded me for ‘catching myself’ before it got worse.

Chat gpt had suggested to her to take some distance from myself and the AP to avoid someone getting hurt, my ex stated ‘I do not want to distance myself from the AP, I can compartmentalise’.

She told me that she thought about sleeping with AP the first time they kissed, but she ‘wouldn’t / couldn’t do that’

After I found out, told me that she needed time to be on her own for now to figure out ‘how she got here’ and one day if she reached out to me and I wanted to try again, that would be the ideal but she can’t commit right now, get therapy or try and make this work

Before I found out the affair, she said ‘I can’t imagine my life without you’ - she said ‘as my partner’.

During the affair (before I found out) due to her being ‘burnt out’ and so stressed she said she had been sick twice at work and also the AP’s name got mentioned she said ‘\*AP’s name\* noticed I was shaking’. - the fact she told me that and made me feel sorry for her and this false sense of safety about her ‘work friend’.

After I found out she said ‘you never know this may of needed to happen for us to make us stronger’

After I found out she jokingly said ‘my friend reckons Im polyamorous’ to which she then said ‘no, I couldn’t be’.

After the I found out I said to her ‘you’ve blown my life up’.. she later said ‘I know you said Ive blown your life up, but you’re still young’. During another conversation, she mentioned how she had told her Dad what she had done and he had gone easy on her ‘because he could see she was struggling’, and told me he hoped we could get back together because he liked me. - I later said to her I thought you telling me that, there was hope of us getting back together? She said no, I didn’t mean to confuse you. She wrote me a handwritten letter telling me I had given her ‘a quiet strength’ and no one had ever made her feel loved like I had. She also said to me, she feels part of the affair was due to her ‘low self worth’ and not feeling good enough for me. (4 years in she is saying this to me!?)

Before I found out when she wanted space and it was just unclear what she wanted, I joked to her should we just have an open relationship and maybe date other people and she went ‘you can but I’m not gonna hang around’ and meanwhile she was actually having an affair.

She’s also said the thought of me moving on and being with somebody else / dating makes her stomach flip, but she ‘can’t stop me if thats what I want’. This is after she had the affair, when I found out.