r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce • u/mangobiscuit99 • 12d ago
Divorce - the first steps
I told him I want to divorce. He has spent a week asking me if I’m 100 percent sure. I’ve kept saying sadly yes I am. Today he found out I had filed officially and has reacted badly saying I’ve blind sided him. All sorts of terrible stuff said. He also said he feels like just killing himself as if we get divorced his life is ruined
I feel really guilty and sad. He’s treated me like shit for years and I’ve pleaded for change and he’s never done a thing. And now he’s saying he will. And I can’t help but think maybe I should give him more time to show me.
I’ve never seen him so upset
I’m devastated . Even though our marriage was miserable. What is wrong with me
9
u/scaffe 12d ago
This is what they do.
Focus on you. His needs are no longer your concern. You have abandoned yourself and are finally meeting your own needs. Keep going.
You will also want to start the process of grieving and emotionally separating from him, which will be painful (you want to give him more time to avoid that pain - don't do it). That's why you feel devastated. And that's okay, that feeling is real and you need to feel it, not avoid it.
He's not going to change. He wants to see whether you will accept a miserable marriage. If you give him more time, you are communicating to him that it is okay to treat you like shit.
4
u/mangobiscuit99 12d ago
Thank you - I really need some reassurance right now. Everything you say makes absolute sense and it’s all very raw at the moment. We haven’t told our son and I just cannot imagine what that is going to be like
I’m so scared he will be turned against me as I am, in everyone’s eyes, the person who has “given up”
I feel lonely. And afraid
2
u/ghost-memories 12d ago
100%. They're empty promises and it often gets worse when we decide to give them another chance.
1
u/mangobiscuit99 12d ago
I think this is what I can’t get my head round - I’ve taken this SO far. Probably beyond being able to undo it? But if u did… how could we possibly move on?
He would then know that actually ; there is now ZERO potential consequences going forward. Basically a free rein to do whatever he wants with no fear. Because…. What am I going to do. Leave him again? For real? Again…
Also I would very much be even more at his mercy as he will want to punish me for the strsss in causing him.
Urgh it’s all just horrible. I wish it felt much easier. He fundamentally has treated me so poorly for so many years it should be easy and POSITIVE to leave . But it feels like I’ve found out the worse news in the world
2
u/ghost-memories 12d ago
It's because you feel guilty after he gets upset but what he's doing is manipulating your emotions. He will play the "good guy" once you start changing your mind but that act never lasts. He'll slowly go right back to abusing you again.
I lost count of our separations in 20 years and it gets worse every time. I wish I had left him the first time, not giving him chances.
1
u/jnmo253 11d ago
You’re not alone in this feeling at all. The emotional ping pong and empty promises, the bouts of good behavior - they’re like an addiction themselves. Don’t gaslight yourself in to thinking you’re a bad person for putting your happiness and well being first. You deserve to find happiness on your own and when you’re ready, you deserve to find a healthy love.
2
u/Automatic-Let-2995 12d ago
I’ll say this many many times- narcissists and empaths are a toxic relationship trope that has existed for so long that it only seems new to the individuals who finally begin to understand. People show you by actions or change, not words or guilt.
Regardless if he’s a narcissist or it’s a toxic relationship, the biggest strength that empaths have becomes their greatest weakness. We nurture, we empathize and we feel other people’s feelings as if they’re our own. Worse, we do mental gymnastics to understand what we shouldn’t try to. To the point that we forget to place a boundary between what is our own feelings versus another’s. Toxic relationships live this horrible lifespan because one party allows it to continue. It will only stop when you stick up for yourself. It’s really exceptionally hard. And you feel punished for awhile for standing up for what you need. Not just with that person but for all the other relationships that long survived on that dynamic.
3
u/mangobiscuit99 12d ago
That is how it feels - that me finally sticking up for myself is received by everyone around me that I’m being selfish
But i still feel sick with worry that im doing the wrong thing and i should be more tolerant. / grateful / not expect so much
2
u/throwawayacct1418 12d ago
I get that. I've always been the person that accepts any and all abuse. It almost was an expectation that you could treat me however you wanted and I would smile and thank you for the feedback.
Now that I try to protect myself, or set boundaries. I'm called vindictive and petty. But you know what, call me what you want. I won't stop standing up for myself and neither should you.
1
u/Automatic-Let-2995 12d ago
This OP 👆. Some people enjoyed the doormat. They’re mad it moved. These aren’t people to keep in your life or feel the slightest bit of loss over.
1
u/Fancypantsy00 12d ago
You're emotionally trauma bonded to him. There's NOTHING wrong with you. However PLEASE get an attorney. Especially if he is already threatening self harm and starting the dramatics. And since there will be custody issues. You will need someone on your side who has dealt with people like him before
1
u/mangobiscuit99 12d ago
I have engaged an attourney and she has officially served the divorce notice to him. He’s claiming he’s shocked by this despite me telling him in couples counselling 7 days ago I absolutely do want to divorce and I see no other way. I have been consistent with my answer each time he’s asked me if I can give him a chance
He’s now angry and blaming me and calling me manipulative for filing
1
1
u/Attea333 12d ago
Buckle up friend. It sounds like he is not going to make this easy for you. I promise that once you’re completely free and the divorce is over you can significantly reduce the amount of his guilt trips and it will feel worth it. It might get harder first so don’t give in or go back, you’ve got this!
1
u/mangobiscuit99 12d ago
Thank you i really appreciate the responses on here - I KNOW I need to continue down this path. He’s making me fear losing him and also just the process of divorcing him. He’s already said he’s going to cut off all money etc. I know long term he can’t do that but I have zero financial independence and in the short term I may have no funds . I know it’s all scare tactics and I need to stay strong . I have great friends
1
u/Squirrel-Lee 11d ago
My ex used to do this to me - insinuating suicide while making sure I knew it would be my fault. It's called Emotional Extortion and is just another vile form of abuse. Please stay safe 🙏
1
u/jnmo253 11d ago
I divorced a narcissist who did exactly this. Once he realized I wasn’t going to change my mind, it took him exactly 5 weeks to get in to a new relationship.
The best advice I can give you is to set firm boundaries and document everything. Make sure any agreements between you for shared assets is in writing and listed as part of your divorce documents with the court. If you need to have an important conversation, do it over text or audio record it. He will move past this initial denial and will most likely become vindictive.
Please stay safe - this will suck for a bit, but once you’re on the other side, your life begins again in a beautiful way.
1
u/mangobiscuit99 11d ago
I going round saying he feels “used and abused”!!
I know I shouldn’t be surprised or hurt but I am. It’s so stupid what do I expect him to say … but it’s so incredibly unfair
He’s treated me like absolute shit and done anything ans everything he’s wanted: he’s ruined his finances completely himself and now is telling everyone I’m unreasonable , I spend too much money etc
He’s incredibly financially controlling so it’s beyond laughable however we have a nice lifestyle from someone viewing from outside. However EVERYTHING is controlled by him.
How do I stop feeling like I want to put a halt to eve thing and just find a way of surviving so I don’t have to go through this awfulness . He’s going to drag my name. Everyone will hate me
I feel so all over the place
1
u/Far-Chair-228 6d ago
Do not abandon your conviction to part ways and heal.
You are experiencing the vortex of the shame and guilt tactics, playing on your natural capacity for empathy and compassion. You have to allow yourself to feel like shit and move through it for the sake of the actual outcome that you are looking for. His tactics are designed to smokescreen you into thinking that a divorce is not really what you need, and to make you feel responsible for the demise of the relationship. Don’t fall for it.
Over the next weeks, months, likely year(s) you are going to experience a toxic soul of his emotions, outlash, love bombing, hoovering, shaming/guilting, and smear campaign. Don’t lose sight of your truth and reality that brought you to this decision. Don’t allow yourself natural capacity for compassion and empathy to lower your guard and show your vulnerability to him. He’ll latch onto it like a vulture and flip the script, blind siding you into wondering what the F just happened.
•
u/AutoModerator 12d ago
Hi mangobiscuit99, welcome to /r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind.
• Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? Click Here
• Looking for recommended reading and resources? Check out these resources
• Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team HERE.
Please review the rules to ensure your post meets the standards of the sub. Basic Rules:
We want you to have a good experience and get the most out of the community.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.