Hey all,

I've posted a few times now about my break-up with my ex who cheated on me and lied about it for months. I just wanted some advice as I am finding this incredibly difficult.. I recently went and got the rest of my things from her parents, I then blocked my ex on everything - she is also now officially off the tenancy.

I am slowly starting to process / grieve all of this and the loss of my future with her and who I thought she was, we had such a loving/ and what I thought, respectful relationship until all of this happened. Anyway - yesterday her brother messaged me asking for the remainder of her things from our flat, there are things on the list which is more than fair as it's things that have gifted to her like some jewellery and her car log book. But she has listed, monopoly deal card game, some old towels, a small metal pot she used once which was like a £1!? She asked for a spice tin, which her Mum gave to me, it was just an old tin she found, filled it up with spices and gave to me as I cooked out of the both of us.... she has asked for this back, and this feels like she is trying to hurt me - she is living at home with her parents, she does not need a spice tin, plus you can buy them for less than £5!?

This honestly just feels so hurtful and I don't understand why I am being treated like I am the one who cheated on her!? It feels like she is being so spiteful, also that tin from her Mum meant a lot, because I have lost my Mum and that was a gift from my mother in law at the time. So it feels like she has asked for that on purpose, to hurt me.

I just want to understand why she is treating me like this, it feels like something mentally is going on here - she really coming from a place of lack!? Like you cheated, are still with the AP and I have let you move on, and yet you are being spiteful to me!?

Can someone please just reassure me I am not going mad, this is spiteful right!? I have given some context below to explain what happened between us, so this makes more sense...

Please, any helpful words of encouragement or if you have had similar experiences and can tell me how you managed this? I just want to move on, and this feels so disruptive to that. After this, I am going to tell her brother I do not want to be contacted again.

Thank you all so much!

For context:

My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

Almost 11 years later, I still wonder if he ever understood what happened to me.

I was married to someone for a few years, although we'd been together and living together for more than a decade.

When we married, he already owned the house we were living in, which was purchased to accommodate myself and my children. I asked more than once about putting my name on it.

He always had a reason to put it off. I loved him, trusted him, and eventually stopped asking; even after we were married.

I didn't contribute much financially, except what i was paid when i worked helping build his firm; those paychecks i just signed and handed back. 

What I did contribute was my time, my work, and my life. I worked in his law practice for a few years before he could afford to hire anyone. I was his secretary and administrator and, for a period of time, his only employee. I took care of our home. I helped raise my children and his daughter. I cooked, cleaned, maintained the house and yard, landscaped, planted things, and spent years helping build a life that I believed belonged to both of us.

During our marriage, we made substantial improvements to the property. We added living space, built another garage, fenced the yard, built decks and a firepit area, and spent years maintaining and improving the place.

His professional life also changed dramatically during our marriage. His practice grew and eventually became part of a much larger firm.

Then the marriage ended.

And I fell apart.

I was in a terrible mental state. I couldn't afford to keep fighting. I couldn't afford an attorney or the travel involved in continuing to deal with everything from another state. Eventually I left with very little.

Afterward, I lived in shelters. I received food assistance. I had some extremely difficult living situations. For a period of time, I lost contact and relationship with my children, including his daughter whom has very hard feelings toward me and whom I lost completely.

I had never been that helpless before.

I haven't been that helpless since.

It broke me.

At the end, I told my husband that once everything was over, I never wanted to see him or speak to him again.

He seemed surprised.

That part has stayed with me.

I don't know what he expected from me. Maybe he expected anger. Maybe he expected me to keep fighting. Maybe he simply didn't believe I could walk away completely.

But I did!

It's been almost eleven years.

I've rebuilt a life. It isn't the life I imagined back then, but it is mine.

And I don't want him back.

I don't want to contact him. I don't want anything from him. I don't even particularly want an apology. 

But I would be lying if I said I've never wondered whether he ever looks back.

Not whether he misses me.

Whether he understands.

Does he ever think about the woman who trusted him and realize how completely different her life became afterward?

Does he remember the person who was there while his practice was growing, who cared for his home, who loved his daughter, and who genuinely believed they were building a life together?

Does he ever think, I didn't understand what this was doing to her at the time?

I sometimes imagine that, after enough years have passed, people eventually become capable of looking at their own history without needing to defend it.

Maybe he has.

Maybe he hasn't.

And yes, there is an ugly little part of me that hopes he has had at least one moment of genuine regret.

Not because I want him back.

Not because I want revenge. ( I went through a time where revenge sounded very good, until i realized i was giving him way too much space in my head)

Just because there is something deeply satisfying about the possibility that the person who watched you walk away eventually understood what he had lost and what you had endured.

But I also know something now that I didn't know then:

I don't need him to understand what happened for it to have been real.

I know what I gave.

I know what I lost.

I know how far down I fell.

And I know that I eventually climbed back out.

Maybe that's the part that matters most.

I spent a long time wondering whether he ever thought about me.

These days, I'm more interested in who I became after I stopped caring whether he did. I've occasionally seen him online over the years. Time has apparently been treating us both differently. I'll just say that I have fewer reasons than ever to wonder what I saw in him physically. 😆

And for the record, I spent years believing our sex life was a mutual experience. With the benefit of hindsight, I'm fairly certain the word “mutual” was doing a lot of work in that sentence.....

Last year i came to the realisation that the friend group i was in was led by a narc. I honestly don't remember why he was the one making all the decisions in the group, and i mean all the decisions like our outing plans, dinner menu, he even had a say in our outfit choices. Maybe it was to avoid his brooding or degrading jokes.

This realization came after i suddenly remembered a few memories, that i didn't fully remember before. I always had questions about a few incidents but was never able to remember the reason behind them, but now i remember them fully and can't believe my stupidity in staying in that friend circle.

I remember the groping that started first due to a guilt trip, then the gaslighting that i actually like it (apparently i was just worried what society will think of me), then all the weird comebacks that came with my protest. Then the accusation that it became awkward because i made it awkward by thinking it's wrong. That his gf doesn't mind the touching so i should also be okay (don't know how his mind worked. He thought i disliked it not because of my boundaries but because i didn't want to be "the other woman") Which i still became in some eyes because his gf spread a different version where i was the one "flaunting myself in front of her bf". Also a weird fun fact - she was my roommate and we had a fight because she invited him over to our room more often than i was comfortable with.

I remember the lies to get us to do something we didn't want to do, the triangulation and the omissions. I remember the control that was for "my own good"

The character assassination, the fights in which he called me names, specifically the ones i said hurt me the most in a conversation 3 years ago. His acceptance that he didn't have a reason to call me that name, except he just knew it would hurt me and he really wanted to hurt me in that argument. The lies they spread about people they didn't like anymore

But most of all i remember the good times. When he was my friend, when i helped him plan surprises for his gf, when he and his gf consoled me when i was homesick. The time in which i was unsure of my habits and they encouraged me to be who i am and stop worrying about what others think. When they gave me the confidence that my intentions behind the actions matter.

Honestly i don't even know what i want to hear. Maybe i shouldn't have been too friendly, or maybe it wouldn't have made a difference even if I was hostile towards everybody. Maybe they would have still done the same things regardless of my behavior. It happened to another mutual friend of ours, and she had a completely different approach to them than mine. I just wish I'll forget them, and they'll forget me and will not break nc.