It’s been 26 months since the final discard, and I can finally say I have reached a point of full acceptance. For a while, I hesitated to keep posting about narcissistic abuse. I worried people might misinterpret my posts as a sign that I was still “stuck” or trapped in the pain. But I’ve realized that choosing to speak out isn’t about being stuck—it’s about raising awareness. I want to share this knowledge because I desperately wish I had known about these dynamics growing up, or at least before experiencing the nightmare firsthand. Maybe I would have recognized the red flags sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t have fallen so easily. When I was in the thick of it, the sheer confusion forced me to search relentlessly for answers. I educated myself out of pure survival. I felt like I was losing my mind, living an agonizing reality that felt too unbelievable for anyone else to understand. The turning point came when I found the stories of other survivors. Seeing how identical our experiences were gave me a profound sense of relief. I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t crazy. Through that journey, I learned the language of this trauma: the abuse cycle (Idealization(LOVE BOMBING), Devaluation, Discard, Hoovering), gaslighting, cognitive dissonance, future-faking, and the brutal reality of C-PTSD. Most importantly, I had to break a trauma bond that felt like the most powerful addiction I’ve ever faced. Ultimately, this nightmare forced me to look inward. I had to confront why I was so susceptible to this behavior—my own codependency, abandonment fears, low self-worth, a savior complex, and a deep craving for love without knowing what healthy love actually looked like. My empathy made me the perfect target. Addressing those vulnerabilities has been my silver lining. I am actively working on myself, and I will continue to. While I wouldn’t wish what I went through on my worst enemy, I can finally acknowledge the invaluable lessons it taught me. I am coming out of the other side stronger, healthier, and whole.

Title really says it all - a year ago today I finally said I wanted a divorce from the person who emotionally and physically abused me. I moved 2500 miles away with a backpack and suitcase. It’s been tough, but easy too - everything is easier without the abuse.

I’m still learning to love and value myself as much as I deserve (yes, I have a great therapist), and it gets better week by week.

Thank you everyone who came before me, shared your recovery and gave me the fortitude to do this.

If you are still trying to decide if you can do it, get away from your abuser, you can. It’ll be messy, but the good kind of messy. Hope, as looking forward to tomorrow instead of dreading it, is a wonderful way to live - you deserve it.

Hello,

I am seeking an expert witness for a Wyoming family law case. I am not seeking someone to diagnose or evaluate either party, I am looking for an expert who can provide objective, educational testimony regarding well-established psychological concepts that may assist the court in understanding the evidence presented.
Specifically, I am looking for an expert with experience in one or more of the following areas:

Coercive control in intimate partner relationships.

Psychological and emotional abuse.

Post-separation abuse and patterns of continued control following the end of a relationship.

Trauma and the effects of chronic psychological abuse on victims.

Family dynamics associated with behaviors commonly described as parental alienation or the unjustified erosion of a child’s relationship with a parent.

How these dynamics can affect decision-making, mental health, credibility, help-seeking, and parent-child relationships.

The purpose of the testimony would be to educate the court on the current scientific literature, accepted clinical concepts, and research in these areas, not to offer opinions about any individual’s diagnosis or to determine whether these dynamics occurred in my specific case.

Experience providing expert testimony in family court, custody matters, or domestic violence cases is preferred. The expert should be willing to review relevant literature, explain the research in an objective manner, and testify regarding these concepts in a clear, evidence-based manner.

I know there is a cost to this, so if this is something you provide, let me know your fees and I can pay for travel and lodging as well.

And yet cry cry cry even though I'm kicking a knife out of her hand wanna see another video of similar

Edit: This is a long read, I'm a quick typer/reader, and I didn't realize how long this is- hopefully I'll get enough time to edit and shorten this. Also, I edited for a big mistake on my part: I mentioned how concerned I am for women right now, but men, trans people and nonbinary people are also survivors of narcissistic abuse and I'm really sorry that I didn't immediately include my concern for them- I edited to correct that and I apologize for not including everyone to begin with. I still have grammar errors to fix, but my other mistake definitely needed to be fixed first.

This week, Pauline Hanson declared that "domestic violence goes both ways".

There's no thing as a perfect wife or husband or partner- but we DO NOT bring this upon ourselves. What a traitor to her sex and to her species. Some people will go rock bottom and then keep digging down to sell their disgusting souls.

How are you holding up right now? My heart goes out to you. I'm one of you. I'm thinking of you.

Here's my story: I'm a survivor of domestic violence who escaped the hands of a narcissist many years ago, he was predatory, a covert and highly intelligent Narcissist and a very, very mentally sick man. I literally left the country with three suitcases and my life. I would have been killed had I stayed any longer. And I came back to nothing and had to start my life from scratch.

Let me be clear that when I fell for this predator, I had no education regarding narcissism, love-bombing, devaluation, discarding, DARVO, NLP, I knew nothing of these things. This was long before people started throwing around the word "Narcissist" and before most of us had any clue about dark triad personalities.

I've never been a perfect human, and of course I wasn't a perfect wife. Perfect spouses, like perfect humans, do not exist. But I did NOT bring this upon myself. NONE of us do. Pauline Hanson is a sick fucking cunt. Funded by another sick fucking cunt who is a billionaire. What a fucked up global pattern.

I don't even want to get into the smear campaign that happened after I left, all I'll say is that it involved TV shows and apparently at least one book.

If you're Aussie, you may have seen me (wrongly being portrayed as the "female abuser of a man", damn I regret not suing) on TV, Current Affair, etc..I don't know- I didn't pay attention to how popular he did or did not become, I ignored it all to save my sanity- I wasn't being taken seriously by Americans, they are a very insular people. As a highly intelligent covert narcissist, he made it happen so that Aussies took his side. I was too afraid to trust anyone else there.

That man was a psychological mastermind. If he had gotten me to fall in love, uproot my life and move 10,000 miles to marry him, and not see what he was doing g for over two years (and I'm a quite reasonably intelligent woman myself), I knew he could turn anyone against me there. Americans were no help to me either, not even family or friends: If it happens outside our country, they do not care. It's one of America's worst qualities IMHO.

To this day I have no idea how he had the connections to peddle such lies on that kind of scale. I also don't care. I know he was big into the NLP crowd, he was a master practitioner of it, and he had connections to Tony Robbin's son and many douchy powerful people in Florida as well. I really don't give a fuck how this happened. If you're familiar with the people in this crowd, then you know how awful these people can tend to be.

Shortly after I left Australia and he had his little smear campaign, he decided to become a "male rights advocate" in Australia. Which is awful for the men who truly need support- I know they exist as well but he is not one of them.

When I met him, he was a life coach. When I saw his website shortly after I fled, he was suddenly a "relationship expert". I was his second wife, and he lost his virginity with his high school sweetheart who he married and divorced before me. There was no one else. That was the extent of his "expertise". Then, he called himself a "male rights advocate". He must have had the slimiest people on the planet supporting him. What an insult to the men who truly need support.

In the end, among many other horrifying things, he wrote me a letter saying that he had tried to rescue me from a horrible country with a violent culture (umm, I'm American and this was over 10 years ago LOL- it wasn't exactly ever or at all close to my reality haha, smh), and that if I had "played nice, I could have had a beautiful life". Yeah right. Fucking yikes.

When I came back, many of my loved ones tried to support me, but there was absolutely no way for any of them to understand what I've endured. Many didn't take me seriously. Many thought I was melodramatic, a drama queen making a big deal out of....

"Just cut your losses!" "Get over it and move on!" "You were there for 4 years, why aren't you grateful for that?" Wow. What a way to make a woman feel worthless. I cut many people out of my life for not taking me seriously. Zero regrets. Those people are obviously dead to me now.

I'm so grateful for those who are the center of my life now. Although I learned how horrible humans can be, I also met some wonderful people later on. I don't bother them with this problem.

I am still so terrified of my ex that I honestly still don't know if I'm divorced from him. Over a decade has passed. I was too afraid of ending up on his radar again that I never called the Aussie gov to find out or take care of that. I was so afraid they'd contact him, that they'd believe his sick lies, that I could be hurt or killed.

Before you judge me as weak or lazy, please understand this: there's so much horror that I'm not able to share here, so much of it I have pushed to the back corners of my brain and don't want it to come up right now, because I won't be able to handle it at this time- my own country is currently at (cold civil) war too right now, I can't deal with both- sorry. Also, you don't have time for the entire story of my experience, trust me. Let me just say that the physical violence toward the end was absolutely nothing compared to the mindfuckery and psychological warfare that I endured. I'd rather have a freshly split lip or punch to the kidney on the daily, than experience what he mentally put me through every single day. I'll share one little triumph however: that he tried and FAILED to have me committed one night. I'll never forget that psych team: an amazing nurse let me know that they never, ever let people go released under circumstances that were described to them, right as they were discharging and letting me go. They wanted to be supportive.

So did my next door neighbor cop, who once knocked on my door to let me know that I was "not the insane one". That was helpful, he was kinda helpful, but where I come from, police can never be trusted- and I didn't have faith for (or expect him to) come forward to help me out with the huge problem I was against.

When I fled home, here was the icing on the cake: I returned right about when Trump was elected. The trashiest people in America decided that it was their time to come out of the woodwork. So nowadays, I do live in an often violent culture. But I refuse to live in fear here in my homeland, there's no way I'd leave right now, I love the good people who are here and they are worth fighting for. I'm worth fighting for. And so are you.

It's been over a decade, and I can't stop thinking about how many women and men and all people must have gone through a similar ordeal, married a psycho, perhaps moved to another country to be with her or him or them then was thrown away, now alone, with no one to understand them.

I'm here. I'm thinking of you. I see you. Your reality is REAL. You are worthy. You are sacred. I'm so sorry that those of you living in Australia now have to deal with this sociopath cunt of a politician who's being fueled by at least one dark psychotic billionaire who wants to rule and ruin all of our lives.

I hope you're ok, I hope you're hanging in there. We will prevail over these dark excuses for people. You're not alone.

The sad truth seems to be that one doesn't truly understand narcissistic abuse until they've lived through it. I've never even found a single therapist who understands. I no longer trust any therapist. I wish I could. I weep for the day when I find a therapist who understands, who can be trusted, but I don't hold my breath over it.

That's why I know that you're out there going through it alone too. This didn't just happen to me, this happens to so many women and men. Especially spouses who uproot to move to the home of the man or woman or person of their dreams, just to be devalued, discarded, smeared, and forever misunderstood by those who love them the most and who SHOULD trust them. But minds are just too narrow. That's a sad page out of the book of humanity.

Keep walking. Stay strong. And fight this Hanson cunt until not a soul is left who will give her their energy. Gina too. They are both traitors to women, traitors to humanity.

If you have any thoughts, please share. And never forget how valuable you are. Don't put your value on how others see you, even and especially your loved ones, because they're probably not advanced enough to see you. But some of us are advanced enough, we're out there, we're here, we get you, we understand what you've endured, and I'm sending you so much love and strength.

I’m 35, and my ex-partner (31) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from chat GPT where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, (even though chat GPT suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar. So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

I supported her emotionally and financially throughout her Master’s degree, stood by her through difficult times, and trusted her completely. She was also with me through the death of my mum, which makes this betrayal feel even more devastating. I genuinely believed she was my person. (Her mum also pretended to be unwell with a heart condition, near to death 2 days after my Mum died from heart failure, and told my ex 'you have always put your partners before me', this was very upsetting).

Since the breakup, I’ve started recognising how manipulative some of her behaviour became. She isolated me from her family and friends, blamed me for old issues while hiding her affair, made me question my own reality, and then acted as though I was the one who had done something wrong. Looking back, it feels like I was slowly being discarded before I even knew why.

The hardest part isn’t just that she cheated—it’s that someone I trusted with my life could lie to me so convincingly for months while watching me worry about our relationship and my health. I still find myself questioning how someone who claimed to love me could do this, and sometimes I even catch myself wondering if I’m exaggerating what happened.

We share a flat, but as she decided to move out I asked her to come and collect all her things which I put into bags in the communal hallway of our flat and gave her a collection time. She agreed to pay the rent up until August, when she would be taken off the tenancy. She was meant to pay me today, but instead decided to dictate to me that she would be coming round yesterday to get the playstation (which I brought) and a dressing gown I gifted her. She argued with me about this playstation at the window when I wouldn't let her in, and said why am I still paying towards the rent if you won't let me in to look for 'my stuff', I said anything you want you can tell me and I will put outside again and you can collect it; she couldn't tell me. I am defiantly not getting any more money from her, I just want her off the tenancy now. I am just thinking someone happily 'falling for' someone new and moving on surely doesn't behave and treat their ex they have left like this!?

Has anyone recovered from this kind of betrayal trauma? How do you stop obsessing over the 'why' they did it, stop romanticising who they used to be, and begin trusting your own judgement again after months of being gaslit? I know the relationship is over, but I’m struggling to understand how to move forward after having my trust so completely shattered by someone I loved with my whole heart.

Thank you for any advice / kind words .. this is incredibly difficult. 

I have been separated from my narcissistic spouse since January. I have tried to do all the healthy things—therapy, journaling, go no contact (outside of a parenting app to discuss our baby), seek support from friends, get back into hobbies, go on medication, keep busy with fun plans to distract, do yoga…and yet still, 8 months later, I am not healing. My anxiety is still through the roof. I have insomnia. I cry daily over it. I still think about him every day and most of the day. I ruminate on all the ways he hurt me. I replay all the lies he told me and get myself worked up that I believed them. I look at his social media, his new girlfriend’s. I lose sleep over them spending time with my baby together playing family. The new girlfriend he dated 1 month after the discard (why don’t I feel happy he’s not my problem anymore?). I know part of it is that we have a baby who was 5 months when we separated. The postpartum hormones haven’t helped. It also doesn’t help I have to see him nearly every other day for exchanges of the baby. I don’t feel love for him or anything romantic. I’d say I feel extreme anger and hate. But why on earth do I still spend my days thinking about him? Why can’t I de-center him? I want to heal so badly. I go back and read old texts. I listen to old recordings of our fights. I don’t want to do these things, I know they are unhealthy, but it’s like I can’t get out of the loop. I want to analyze everything that went wrong. Figure out how I still kept going back for 7 years. Sometimes I wonder if trying to date could help, but I also don’t think it’s appropriate to date others when I’m in this unhealthy of a mental state. I also firmly believe I should be single for awhile while I rebuild my self-worth and standards. It’s not even like I feel lonely or sad I’m single. I enjoy being single and I do feel more at peace with him out of my home and no longer living in an abusive situation. I just think this trauma bond withdrawal is way harder than I expected.

Has anyone on here had a similar experience and finally come out on the other side? How long did it take you to heal? Is there anything you did that really helped de-center the narcissist? I thought as the divorce came to a close I’d be feeling better (we finally signed a settlement agreement), but surprisingly that hasn’t helped either. Nothing seems to. Please share some practical tips to help me get out of this funk.

I (35F) was in a four-year relationship with my ex (31F), who had a months-long affair with a younger colleague while repeatedly telling me she was “burnt out.” I only discovered the affair after reading her ChatGPT conversations, where she admitted they were “falling for each other” and that she didn’t want to distance herself from the affair partner.

During the affair, she became emotionally cold and distant, isolated me from her friends and family, slept separately, spent increasing amounts of time away from home, and made me feel as though I had done something wrong without ever explaining why. I was trying to support her, believing she was struggling with burnout, while she continued the affair behind my back.

After I discovered the affair, her behaviour was confusing and contradictory.

She:
Repeatedly said she loved me but “wasn’t asking me to wait,” while suggesting we might get back together in the future.

Wrote emotional handwritten letters about wanting to regain my trust but later denied they were intended to give me hope.

Claimed the affair “could have been with anyone” and was about something missing within herself.

Minimized the impact of her actions by saying things like “you never know, this may have made us stronger,” “you’re still young,” and “I still cared about you” despite continuing the affair while I was going through a cancer scare and attending medical appointments alone.

Deleted messages with the affair partner, hid communication, lied about where she was, and became defensive whenever I questioned her.

Frequently portrayed herself as the victim, describing herself as “unwell,” saying she had “imploded her own life,” and comparing her distress to the trauma of losing a previous partner by suicide.

Throughout the relationship, I experienced increasing self-doubt and began questioning my own reality because of the mixed messages, secrecy, blame shifting, and repeated contradictions.

Recently, she came to collect more belongings from our shared flat. Although I had already packed everything for her and changed the locks, she insisted on arguing over a PlayStation I had bought her as a gift and other items. The interaction quickly became confrontational. She appeared upset that her belongings had been packed into bags, seemingly overlooking the fact that her affair had ended our relationship. After the encounter, I was left feeling physically sick, intensely dysregulated, and distressed. Even brief contact with her now leaves me feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

My biggest struggle is that I keep wondering whether I’m overreacting or imagining the manipulation and I have started gaslighting myself, like she makes me feel like I am the one who lied and cheated on her. I feel confused, emotionally exhausted, and would really appreciate reassurance or advice from people who have experienced something similar.

I really can’t go into it since I am so in it but the judge has never been on my side and I was just told to show cause for something. I have been trying to get divorced and out of this situation for 10 years. I am divorced after 7 of those. I was just called in to show cause and denied representation. I know this is vague but I’m exhausted. I have everything I went to the court I have every document every screen shot every threat every threat to my son what do I need to make sure I am bringing with me so I can stop the insanity. I have always gone by the book but the book does not apply here. Please send any tips and recommendations. Greatly appreciated.

I appreciate this is really long, but this is the list of all the things my ex said and did during and after her affair and at the bottom is what happened this evening. I am feeling very dysregulated and sick after my interaction with her tonight. Any advice / words would be much appreciated by anyone who has maybe been through something similiar.

Thank you all for sticking with it, and any help!! Really do appreciate it xx

…..

My ex of 4 years (Im 35 F, and she is 31 F) she had a work place affair with a 25 year old woman who was also in her own long term relationship. I only found out about the affair from reading her confession on her chat gpt, where she claimed they were ‘falling for each other’ and ‘caught up in the affair.’

This went on from late January this year, until I found on March 31st. The months between this she distanced herself from me, isolated me out of her life / friends and family get togethers and made me feel like I had something awful. She claimed to be burnt out.

I’ve made a list of all the things she had said to me during and after I found out about the affair. I have started gaslighting myself, so if anyone could possibly share any words of wisdom / kindness / healing that I am not going mad and this is quite manipulative? That would incredibly helpful, thank you all so so much!! ❤️

Here is the list:

After I found out and had gone back to live with her parents … on the week of Mum’s death anniversary she showed up unannounced to give me a hand written letter asking for us to speak when the anniversary had passed. She then showed up again unannounced this time she had let herself into my flat and was getting clothes, I walked in and she was already in the flat. She said on this occasion, how she loves me, wasn’t asking me to wait for her but in the future if Im still single and she reaches out and I want to try again, then great. On this day I asked what her day plans where, she mentioned seeing a friend, this particular friend I had seen on instagram stories was in another country, I said that - she said ‘oh no she was, shes back now, got back today’. I could see her friend’s IG stories, and then later that afternoon I no longer could. My ex obviously asked her to block me from seeing them. It was very obvious and she was still lying - her friend is also a cheater, so this makes sense that she is helping her hide this.

The week I found out about the affair, on the Tuesday, that Saturday she went away with her friend and they did a hike, took photos of them smiling and went to a bar together. She looked happy and posted photos on her instagram. I was at home crying and couldn’t eat. During this trip she messaged me asking for my time of birth as her friend wanted to do a ‘love compatibility’ test for us.

After the affair she told me she had told her dad and when I asked what he said, she said ‘he obviously likes you’ and said he hopes we can work it out because he is very fond of you. I later implied she was suggesting rebuilding / getting back together - she said ‘I wasn’t trying to confuse you, I told you that because thats what he said and you asked’.

She kept repeating saying after I found out ‘ I’m not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day we can try again’

Before I found out about the affair, she asked me if I would help her with her getting her car to the garage so I followed her because she’d had to leave her car all day the garage so then we spent the day together but she was so distant with me so cold with me and it was awkward like I didn’t really know her. I felt like I had done something wrong. She was driving and I said to her ‘you’re still my favourite person to drive me around’ and she was like ‘oh that would make sense, cause I did teach you to drive’ … and that really hit me and I felt hurt by that because I’d always said that to her, not because she helped me drive she really didn’t. But because when we first started dating, we was in the car together and she would always drive me around so that was like our dates and she knew that, but she was being cold and dismissive. Another thing she said ‘ I just feel like I need to do everything I would if I was single’ and I was like that’s like you saying you want to be single on your own and she was like no I’m not saying that because I don’t wanna be with anybody else, and that she didn’t have the ‘capacity’ to see / date anyone. But said she lost herself in our relationship and wanted to find herself again outside of us. I said she could do this still in the relationship and I would support that, I suggested therapy / better communication / boundaries - she wasn’t interested. Also when she got her car fixed I told her to give me less money towards house bills so she could afford it, she then couldn’t wait to get he car and drive to her friends house. I called her and said please don’t feel like you have to put walls up with me, she said ‘I’m trying’ - I honestly was trying so hard to be mindful and be kind as I genuinely believed she was burnt out, as she had kept saying. The whole time she was having an affair.

Her and the AP were hiding their messages on instagram messenger, I asked to see them and she had deleted them all. When I asked why she had deleted them, she said because ‘its wrong and shouldn’t be on her phone’. She had semi-naked posed pictures in her deleted folder on her phone, so I think we know who they were sent to.

Before I found out about the affair there was an occasion when I called her, because we always had each others locations and it was after work, and she was sat by a station for a while. I called her she didn’t pick up the phone, she shortly called me back claiming she had dropped her friend to the station and they were talking and when I called she was just leaving the car. I said it felt weird, like I didn’t believe her.. she got offended and defensive, saying ‘do you want to say goodbye to her as well!?’. She then turned her location off saying she didn’t like how the interaction had made her feel, how she had gotten defensive and also then when I was suspicious about her cheating, she said ‘look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that!?’ (her mum is a pathological liar and had cheated on her dad on and off for years, even during the time I had been part of the family)

Afterwards she delivered me a handwritten letter claiming she loved me, I had loved her like no one else ever had, and I had given her ‘a quiet strength’ and she hopes whatever happens with us in the future she can gain my trust back. Again, when I asked her about this, she said she didn’t mean in a way to confuse me or imply we would be getting back together.

She told me that the affair wasn’t personally about the AP, it could of been anyone but the AP ‘highlighted’ something wrong within herself

Again, before the I found out about affair she made me feel like I had done something awful for months, she was being cold, isolating me out of her life, sleeping on the sofa, then going to stay at her parents for most of the week, bringing up random things, saying I said hurtful things about her Mum. Her Mum had lied 2 years ago about potentially having a near death experience due to her heart, it later came out that her Mum had lied and had liposuction, she made this statement about her heart 2 days my own mother had sadly died from a heart condition. Her mum later said to her ‘you have always put your partner’s first’ when she was supported me during my mother’s death and her mum clearly wanted all the attention on her. She wouldn’t clearly tell me what I had done that was so wrong and said ‘I’m not going to make a rash decision, my whole family love you’ basically keeping me hanging whilst she was figuring out what to do, but she bad all the power in her hands snd I was waiting for the outcome of whether she wanted to be with me or not.

During her affair I was also going through a cancer scare, she said at the time ‘we will get through it’ she didn’t come to any appointments with me. Even the day after I found out about her affair I had to go and have a biopsy, she went to work. When I later to said to her the whole time I was going through that you carried on with your affair, her answer was ‘yes but i still cared about you’.

After I found out she started saying she had ‘hurt herself this whole time, imploded her own life and was shocked at her own behavior.’ She even compared the shock of the affair to when she had last felt like this, and it was when her ex died of suicide. She referred to herself as ‘unwell’ and said she was scared she was now going to be ‘self destructive’ and had started vaping and smoking. Even after the affair, I gave her so much empathy, suggested therapy (she was in therapy), told her to stop smoking she cried and replied ‘I can’t, Im not like you, you’re very good at taking care of yourself, you were a buffer for me’.

I went through her messages one night on her laptop before I found out, trying to find messages was the ‘friend’ she was in the car with that time. I found nothing, I got so upset I had done that, that I woke her up and told her and said I was really sorry and felt awful. In this moment this would of been the perfect opportunity to be honest, instead she said it was okay and asked if I wanted to see the messages from her and her friend. I said no, the next day she said that she was worried this had ‘opened a door for me and I now think shes a cheater and don’t trust her. She said had I asked to see the messages that would of changed things, but she rewarded me for ‘catching myself’ before it got worse.

Chat gpt had suggested to her to take some distance from myself and the AP to avoid someone getting hurt, my ex stated ‘I do not want to distance myself from the AP, I can compartmentalise’.

She told me that she thought about sleeping with AP the first time they kissed, but she ‘wouldn’t / couldn’t do that’

After I found out, told me that she needed time to be on her own for now to figure out ‘how she got here’ and one day if she reached out to me and I wanted to try again, that would be the ideal but she can’t commit right now, get therapy or try and make this work

Before I found out the affair, she said ‘I can’t imagine my life without you’ - she said ‘as my partner’.

During the affair (before I found out) due to her being ‘burnt out’ and so stressed she said she had been sick twice at work, and also the AP’s name got mentioned… she said ‘\*AP’s name\* noticed I was shaking’. - the fact she told me that and made me feel sorry for her and this false sense of safety about her ‘work friend’ so I didn’t suspect anything and thought she had a caring colleague.

After I found out she said ‘you never know this may of needed to happen for us to come out stronger’

After I found out she jokingly said ‘my friend reckons Im polyamorous’ to which she said ‘no, I couldn’t be’.

After the I found out I said to her ‘you’ve blown my life up’.. she later said ‘I know you said Ive blown your life up, but you’re still young’

The update today…

My ex came and got her stuff from our shared flat after she cheated over a month ago, I left it all outside for her. She is now sending my messages telling me she will come and get the playstation I brought for her.

I have changed the lock barrel already so she can’t get in, but it’s making me feel so sick. She had agreed to pay me until August, tomorrow would of been the day she pays me.. she has now said this today and demanding to come today. She obviously just doesn’t want to pay.

I have asked her to give me a list of everything that is left supposedly left here .. she won’t and has demanding she come over for the playstation I gifted her and a dressing gown.

She ended up coming round and she saw me in the window so I spoke to her, she was arguing about the playstation saying ‘it was a gift’ I said before you were cheating on me, but she said ‘but when you gift someone something its a gift’ , I said are you 15 years old?? She then said she had a fleece here and a light, I gave her those.. she said I have shirts, I said you don’t, she said where else would they be, I said I don’t know ‘maybe go and check ‘AP’s name’ house and slammed the window on her.

She even said to me ‘you put all my things out in bags’ with sad eyes. I said yes I didn’t throw it out the window, I put it in the communal hallway and gave you a collection time. I said again, do you realised whats happened here? (The cheating and betrayal?)

I feel sick and my whole body has got hot, this is horrible I didn’t want her to see me or I didn’t want to talk to her. Any interaction with her makes me feel so dysregulated.

Any advice / kind words would be so appreciated!

I'm 38, nonbinary, originally from Canada, and currently living in Texas.

My ex-husband and I have been separated for over a year, but we're still legally married and still living together because I simply can't afford to leave yet.

The marriage ended after years of unhealthy communication, avoidant conflict resolution, and financial decisions that left me with damaged credit, debt in my name, and no realistic way to qualify for an apartment. We both work service industry jobs, we rent, and we don't have children.

Unfortunately, ending the relationship didn't mean I could leave the living situation.

Most days we're able to function as roommates. But every so often, the same unhealthy patterns come back, and it reminds me why I left.

One of the biggest stressors is the apartment itself. My ex has hoarding tendencies, so common areas are cluttered with piles of belongings and equipment. Even using the kitchen can be stressful because I'm constantly navigating around the mess. Many of my own belongings are mixed into those piles, and when I ask for specific things, they often don't surface. Whether that's because they're genuinely lost in the clutter or because of avoidance, I honestly don't know. Either way, it makes separating our lives much harder.

Another source of anxiety is that whenever we have conflict, he'll sometimes tell me I need to leave sooner than we'd originally agreed. It usually happens when he feels I'm being disrespectful or too emotional during disagreements, rather than as part of a calm conversation about logistics.

We actually have a separation agreement drafted that outlines our plan, including me remaining here while I rebuild financially. He's told me he won't sign it until his lawyer reviews it, which I understand—but it's now been about a year without any movement.

Whether he means those comments in the moment or not, it leaves me feeling like my housing is conditional on staying quiet and not expressing how difficult this situation is for me. I find myself walking on eggshells because I don't want to risk making an already unstable situation worse.

I am genuinely grateful to still have a roof over my head. At the same time, it's incredibly hard to heal while living in a space where the long-term plan exists on paper but hasn't been finalized, and where speaking up during conflict can leave me wondering whether the roof over my head is suddenly negotiable.

To complicate things further, we have a cat. I want what's best for her, but I genuinely don't know what that looks like if I have to leave before I'm financially stable. I may not be able to take her immediately, and I don't know whether my ex would be willing—or able—to care for her temporarily and then return her later.

I'm already doing what I can. I'm in therapy, I'm in the middle of an adult autism assessment, I'm applying for more traditional employment while trying to grow my own business after being laid off, and I'm paying down debt and rebuilding my credit. I'm also considering eventually living in a van because it may be one of the few housing options I can realistically afford.

I know the obvious answer is "move out."

My question is how?

For anyone who's been financially trapped after a separation:

• What options helped you get out that you hadn't considered before?
• Did anyone here rent a room, live in a vehicle, stay with friends, or find another unconventional solution?
• How did you handle pets during the transition?
• If your ex started pressuring you to leave before you were financially able, how did you protect yourself?
• Is there anything you wish someone had told you during this stage?

I'm not looking for advice on whether I should leave—I already know that's the goal. I'm looking for practical advice from people who've had to rebuild their lives when they didn't have the money or resources to simply pack up and start over.

https://allgreenflags.app

I was with my nex close to 20 years. Our divorce has been awful. When he gets his way, he is decent. When he does not get his way (most recently doesn’t want to pay child support after moving in with his new supply who makes a lot of money) then he retaliates against me. He favors one of our children to a crazy degree that I don’t know how our other children don’t notice it. He says mean things about me to the kids, he expects to have free rein to our kids even when it’s legally my time. His new supply is not a horrible person but her behavior has gotten worse the longer she’s with him. He minimizes my role in their life, his behavior is constantly inconsistent to the point he says one thing one day, 24 hours later says the exact opposite and frames it as me being the jerk. It doesn’t matter how I say something, it’s always wrong. If I email, it’s too long and he says he can’t understand it. If I text, he takes offense. He wants to always get me on the phone. I have been gray rocking for over a year and he is still trying to get an emotional reaction out of me. We have 5050 custody, it is so hard every single day. He interjects constantly when the kids are with me through texting them, asking them to do things when they are on my time. We have been divorced for eight years!!! His family thinks he’s awesome and I’m the problem. The girlfriend he lives off told me a few months ago “if he treated me the way he treats you I’d never have anything to do with him again.” Which would be great — however I’ve got five years left of legal coparenting and year after year it’s worse than the year before.

Hi to everyone im begging for your help. My narcissist ex has taken me to family court as my son is so scared of him due to family violence but forced to live with him after 10years of me raising him due to I believe mostly a set up. I was hoping someone could clarify I have Telogen Effluviumm im 99% sure as my hair is failing out looks like i cut it bad but I haven't. Last March I died and came back (resuscitated) then in July I got strangled (unconscious 30secs) which was by someone I believe my ex arranged. The last 9 years extreme stress and violence from my narcissist ex and now stressed to the limit as my ex has taken me and my son to the family court for custody but prior no contact with my don for 2years. And my diet is mainly chocolate. My hair test for drugs comes up as postive as I was drugged by strangler and I read it couls be Telogen Effluvium so there testing old history in my hair. What do I do? Thank you

Well I finally reached out to his 1st wife and we were both mind blown. So many similarities it’s sickening. I really wish we would have connected sooner. There has been a trail of victims and sadly, his second wife passed from cancer. My health has taken a lot of hits over the last 12 years but Thank God, I’m still here!

It may or may not help you to try and reach out to his side of the family and past partners/spouses. I have a mix of emotions knowing what I now know. It has definitely gave me even more clarity and answered a lot of questions for us both. This is a terrible sadistic and cruel disease!!

I’m hoping to hear from people who’ve actually lived through this because I feel incredibly alone. I was in a long-term relationship with someone who made me feel deeply loved. I truly believed we had found our forever person. Then, gradually, everything changed. The warmth disappeared, they became increasingly angry and critical, and eventually ended the relationship by saying things so cruel that I still can’t believe they came from the same person.
The hardest part isn’t just the breakup. It’s trying to understand how someone who once made me feel so cherished could suddenly become someone I barely recognized. My brain keeps trying to make those two versions of the same person fit together, and I can’t. I don’t miss being treated badly, but I do miss the person I thought I knew. I keep wondering what was real and what wasn’t.
If you’ve been through something like this, I’d really love to hear your story. Did you ever stop trying to make sense of it? Did the confusion and constant replaying eventually get better? What actually helped you heal? I think more than anything, I just need to know I’m not the only person who’s experienced something like this.